This blog is dedicated to the lovely women of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Inc. whose love, assistance and finer womanhood helped my family through this difficult time. Sorors, I will never forget or be able to repay that debt. ~TLT
Can you see, with your mind’s eye,
Peoples dwelling together?
Sorrow has passed. Peace at last!
Life without tears and pain.
Sing out with joy of heart.
You too can have a part.
Live for the day when you’ll say:
‘Life without end—at last!’-Kingdom Melody #15
I have sat at this computer for the past 8 hours, alternating between this blog, my Star Wars games, and looking over pictures and letters from my past. I have not slept in damn near a week. Time it seems has completely stopped. Or that’s how it feels. All of this is so damn surreal. I feel slightly guilty for wanting to sleep. But how can I think of sleep when the machinations of the wicked are around, with feet hurrying to run to badness (Proverbs 6:18)? Suddenly as if on cue my random thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the rain hitting the window, yet the sun coming through the dining room window. I laugh at the irony. Just like in life, pop’s has managed to merge to joy and pain, sunshine and rain. I am told it’s a gift I have. I doubt it. Still it’s enough to break the trance I am in. I take a deep breath and stand up. My sister comes out of her room. She asks why I haven’t been to sleep. I tell her I can’t sleep. Not today.
Today is my daddy’s funeral.
I get dresses quickly, fielding calls and helping my mother. She can’t stand. I have to remind her that this is something we have to do. My younger brother is upset. He can’t tie a tie. Like my father before me, I show him. He comments on how I look just like dad. I used to hate to her that, but now prettier words have never been spoken. The tears are sometimes broken by laughter of my father and his shenanigans. I promise my mother I won’t leave her side. I promise her that we will make it through the day.
Then the phone rings. It’s the limo driver. My mother almost faints. My stomach turns. My brother helps my mother gather her composure. The walk to the car seems to take forever. The limo driver, Mr. Wilson greets our family. I thank him. We file into the limo. My mother sinks into her seats and laments “O Jehovah, please help me”. I hold her hand. This is insane. But I have to keep it strong. I have a promise to uphold. I hug her and smile. She takes a deep breathe. The limo pulls off.
On the drive to the Kingdom Hall, I notice the sun shines through the rain clouds. Again I think of my father. It is reassuring. There we are greeted by well wishers and family, I am greeted by a few frat brothers, and my son’s mother. She asks me do I want her to take the boys in. I tell her “No, this is a walk the Thomas men must take together”.
A sister who helped my mother into the Truth walks my mother to the front, my brothers lead my sister and I lead my sons. This is the longest walk I have ever had to take. My oldest son’s hand is shaking; his youngest son’s hand is sweating. I lead them to the second row. There I offer them the choice; they can join me on the front row, or sit behind me with Mommy. Centrell decides to stay with his mother, over come by sorrow. I am not mad. He loved his “paw-paw”, and “paw-paw” loved him, being the first born grandson. I nod touch his cheek, and allow him to sit. I tear up. My youngest son Devin, my solider stands up and asks to sit with me. I allow him to do so. Devin is like me. He’s a front line, into the fire kind of guy.
The funeral begins. I can’t even describe the feelings, I can’t describe the scene. I just know that we are saying good bye to the one man I loved, the one man who I respect and feared.
I wish I could describe in detail what it was like to pallbearer for my father. As his caretaker the last two years, it was an honor to finally get to that place, to walk him to his quiet resting place. It felt good to see the brothers working towards the common good.
As the coffin goes into the ground, my brother Devin, gets on his knees and kisses it. It was a picture worth a thousand words. As I walk back to the car, my emotions swell, and as I get into the car I begin to cry harder than I ever did in life. I allow myself to mourn, as the pain has finally passed. Embracing in his arms, my brother whispers to me “It’s your kingdom now, I am your student. Can you unify the land or go out like Liu Chan (Google search it).” I catch my breathe. I nod. I have nothing to be ashamed of.
The morning he died, a dear friend said to me that I had nothing to be sad about, as I served him well. I made his final months comfortable. That put it all into perspective. It really did.
I finished my task. I served him WELL.
Goodnight Dear Father, I will see you in the morning!
And that is Straight No Chaser!
TLT
Dec 22, 2006
11:48pm
