“All in the Game, Baby!” ~West Baltimore saying
So while I was finally perfecting my recipe for a peanut butter shake (HA! I did it to all you west coast folks who said I’d never do it; I got some fried potatoes to jack next) I was talking on my the phone to my ship about my averting the latest emotional disaster that seems to be the standard in my relationship with the female species. While I was praising myself for not getting involved in an emotional
1) This damn shake is on point.
2) He’s fucking right.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I will fuck any ole crack head. I am not saying that the old 78 yr old chick is finna get some T penis. What I am saying is that most times all a chick gotta do is show some loyalty to my “company”, suck some good penis and well that’s it really. Rarely do I get to know them or they me. As for the ones who do get close, I realize after they got close that this shit aint going to work and I need to get out. But then I just don’t get out. I come up with more excuses than Bush in
But I think that’s men in general actually. After we got off the phone I logged on the computer and went to this popular dating site. I compared about 100 profiles each. You know what I discovered? Women are much more thorough than men. Our profiles (mostly) say shit like “I’m looking for a special lady”. We’ll list physical qualifications and say shit like “no drama”. No wonder we pick bottom of the barrel chicks that disguise themselves as top notch. Sheesh. But the women’s profiles were more accurate than a PhD dissertation. I mean they were clear. “No kids”, “No students” “No big dudes” etc. They outlined various intangible characteristics. Some even got rude if you contacted them. For example I sent a message to this sister who clearly said “NO kids”. I just said Hi. She said thank you, and appreciated my note but she asked for no kids and since I can’t follow directions she was blocking me. I laughed. But it made me think. Women have ground rules before, during, and after a relationship. We just go along and make up shit as things progress. That is so not good. Well after damn near falling into a diabetic coma from the shake I had a realization. I do have ground rules. I just don’t enforce them. So as of this moment, March 4, 2007 at 10:08pm I am enforcing my rules and shall not deviate from them as much as humanly possible. Here are the commandments for dating, keepings and loving me.
(Please be advised that at this time I aint taking apps, but I felt for information purposes you should know.)
10) I am not trying to play daddy to your children. I have my own sons to rear and I have no interest within the first 20 dates of meeting, talking to, looking at, hearing about, or otherwise being forced to take care of “Leroy’s” responsibilities. While things can and do happen and I may be in contact with them early, please don’t expect me to laugh, joke, pick up, hold, or otherwise play daddy. Likewise, I will not do the aforementioned actions. Should we get that far and grow into something more, we will then work out a program along practical lines to facilitate some form of relationship that includes how we handle the children. However, your kids remain your responsibility as my sons are mine. The only thing we are obligated to do in regards to the others children is not beat them or cuss them. The only thing the children are obligated to do is respect us as an adults.
9) Fuck what you heard but looks do matter. Next to the devil convincing the world he doesn’t, this is the biggest lie man kind has been told. While beauty is in the eye of the beholder, some niggaz is just bumblefuck ugly. Sorry. Nothing you can say will alter this opinion. I have certain tastes. I only date women who are African American, African, or from the Diaspora; I don’t want a white chick, a mami, a Chinese lover, or any of that. I love my sisters. I like petite women with apple shaped asses, six packs and perky breasts. OR, I like them with small hips and nice asses. I love glasses and skin color. I like short hair, or if you got hair make sure it is done. Don’t care what style. I DO NOT like “PHAT”, “BBW”, “thick in all the right places”, or any variation therein. I also realize the irony of myself being a big dude and preferring petite women. THAT’S MY CHOICE. It is my sincerest belief that a smaller woman will motivate me to lose weight. In fact that has happened once, where I dropped almost 100 lbs, esp. when I learned that being a fat ass is only cool in the south and
8) You need to be college educated or at the very least, past your sophomore year in college. In fact before I got off my ass and finished, I had this as a rule. It was probably the one rule I enforced, until I allowed some chick to talk me out of it. Why this rule you may ask? Well because there is a certain conversation, socialization, and ambition that comes from educated women that is clearly different from chicks that are not. I like a woman who can think big and envision herself on Wall Street or in the academy or a senator or some shit. I have no further desire for chicks whose SOLE ambition is to be the best nail tech, cashier, hustler, pimpstess, pretty mama, or dick rider respectively. That might impress Duqwan offa the corner but for me I’ll pass. I mean in the next 3 to 4 yrs I’ll have my PhD. What would I look like dating the chick who took my order at Harold’s on 83rd? I also need for you to learn how to speak like an adult, not a BET VJ or the chick offa Hot 92.3. While I am a proud citizen of Negriona, I have since migrated to Afrolantia. I am no longer keen on hearing “papi” “you give me jokes” “namean” “word” “dune” “shits” “bling” or any of that. Learn to talk good ole engrish please. If I desire to relive my hood days or live out my Wire fantasies, I will simply either call one of my BFL brothers or go hang out with my street gang that pretends it’s a fraternity.
7) You have to believe in a God and at least try to actively practice something. If I can get up and say a prayer you can too. I also want to make it know that your belief is your belief. For the record I am a believer in the Jehovah’s Witness doctrine; if I were not that I’d be a Buddhist for certain. Please don’t don’t try to force Pastor Paulie’s views on me. If I wanna learn bout what Pastor Lonnie Love said I’ll go to his sports stadium church and be entertained. I don’t need your help. Conversely I won’t leave watchtowers lying around the bathroom ok? You know now that I think about it I don’t want another woman who is CME (Christmas, Mother’s Day and Easter) or Baptist. Wait, that’s actually the same thing. Without question yall are the most ignant, pastor loving, giving your money too, and non bible reading women in
6) We have to be sexually compatible. No more chicks that only know doggystyle or just getting their pussy ate. That shit is only hot in a lil kim video. I am a freak. I like licking, and sticking, and all that good stuff. You HAVE to want to give and receive oral sex. Women who don’t suck dick are destined to be either lonely or like dinosaurs. Work out whatever issues you have because if your sex drive and skills aint up YOU’RE DONE!
5) Please make sure your canon (history for the slow people) is accurate and concise cause I am going to check you out. If you say you were a stripper, you should be able to back that up. If you say you sold drugs, tell me some tales. If you say you once were a ninja show me some moves. I can back up my past. You will know who the fuck I am. The only people with foggy pasts are nut jobs and CIA agents.
4) Please keep your family in check. I’m going to be fair here. My mother is my chief advisor and best friend. HOWEVER, SHE DOES NOT DRAW POLICY. If you cant keep your mama, daddy, cousin, bitter sister, brother etc from actively being our business I will dismiss you. I have no desire to entertain your family or defend myself again them. That shit went out a year or so ago. In this same breathe please keep your whorish, lonely single friends out of our business; and definitely tell them to stop with the invites to single events and or hating on what we have. This will also get you dumped and your girlfriend slapped. HARD.
3) While I am not married to the old school per se, I do see value in it. To wit I open doors, fix shit, fight off hooligans, and pay the occasional bill. However, I am also flexible enough to cook, rub your feet, wash your hair etc. But I am not going to accept in any way shape form or fashion a nagging ass woman who got to be always right; loud and obtuse, and likes to just plain cut off a man’s balls. Angry, smart mouth nagging chicks are lonely chicks. It is not natural for a woman to nag a man. I aint saying I get to slap you, or you cant speak your peace. I am saying though you just aint gonna talk to me like that. If you gotta do all that naggin to change me or cause you unhappy then you need to take your ass home. Nagging, liberated women are usually single, bitter women. While I’m on the subject of naggin women, let me bring up my other bane: spoiled ass women. No you don’t get your way all the time. I don’t care how daddy did it, or your ex who was a football player, or dude who was a baller that got you whatever you wanted. I don’t care what you’re used to. We are dating now. You need to work within this paradigm. What’s that you say? You’re independent? Ok that’s great. Now get your independent ass away from me QUESTION?
2) Please have in your life that which you are demanding of me. If you are demanding that I have my own place, car, career, etc then make sure you have it too. I you come to me on some “do better” shit and YOU living with mama, I’m clown. When women do that, it makes us men think you are only after us for money or to rescue you. I am not doing either. So ask yourself this question: Do I have what I am about to ask him to have or acquire? If the answer is no, then shut up and enjoy the meal.
1) I don’t do clingy, emotionally dependant, co-dependant or any various therein. I am finally drama free. Perhaps in my twenties (ok I’m lying this past summer) I would have enjoyed the roller coaster. But as I approach mid thirties, I am not interested. If you got drama, issues, beefs, etc please don’t bring them to me. It took me far to long to get this shit right and you aint gonna mess it up. I don’t mind drama that comes from time and being a couple; however I will not start off sorting through your bull. I can refer you to a great therapist and decent out patience clinic.
I know this is going to come off offensive to some and arrogant to others, But I’m sorry. After years of getting it work, I need to set shit in order to get it right…
After all who is gonna take care of me but me?
Nobody
And that is Straight, No Chaser
TLT
3-4-2007
10:08pm
