On Rethinking Black Love: Baby Daddy Blues

~Author's Note: I am not completely back from hiatus but I had to drop this in honor of the up coming Valentine's Day to express some frustration. I wont be back full time until around April~ TLT

"They gotta place self on the main throne before they can have a co-regent... otherwise, they'll keep on fuckin with the Joker"~Ekklektia

Happy Early Valentine's Day!

Sup snarky mofo reading this. I've missed yall so let's get right into it.

I.hate.baby.daddies.

I know what you are thinking: "Um, TLT aren't you a baby daddy?"

I am but at the same time I'm not. I'm not making sense? Well let me explain:

I used to be a baby daddy. I was that nigga who wouldn't treat J-Hawk, my BM, right to save my soul. I was a young cat and honestly I didn't know how to make heads or tails about family, being the man etc. So I messed up, she would get fed up and would try to move on. I really didn't care that she left until she started liking somebody. Then all of a sudden I wanted my family back, I cared, I needed her love etc. I kept these "emotions" until her new interest was dismissed or left and then when I felt what was mine was secure, I went right back to the same shit. This cycle continued until she got fed up and ended it; a few weeks later "The Long Night" hit and I had to grow up and accept some truths about myself and among those truths was that J Hawk and I were better friends and parents than lovers. So we evolved, created an atmosphere of truth and transparency and we made a situation that rivals what Will Smith, Jada Pinket and his baby mama got. It's real, peaceful, and honest. More importantly it has boundaries. Neither of us interferes in the others personal relationships unless: a) Money or property has been stolen/damaged, b) there is some kind of abuse or c) our children are disrespected or harmed. Outside of that, I can say with no hyperbole that neither of us gives two shits what the other does. I mean during the "LSC" and "DOF", J-Hawk didn't interfere or say one word until I went into the hospital for seven days. Then it became her issue because my mental health had failed, and that impacted my ability to be a father to those two heirs. She was concerned and wanted the situation resolved, not for her own gains but for our children. This is the kind of balance and respect I seek when I meet any woman especially after recent events. After the shit I am currently seeing and a meeting I had a lil over a month ago, I've discerned that sisters may not be totally emotionally honest when it comes to being over their baby daddy and that is hella problematic.

I love yall Sistas, but I need for yall to make up your minds. Seriously, this shit with the baby daddy(ies) has gotten outta fucking control. I mean really why do yall even claim single and start looking when you know damn well you still attached to this dude either fiscally, physically, or emotionally. I mean why even start something new when you know damn well as soon as this ass-clown figures out what string of words to put together you're gonna go running right back to him like rats to his pied piper?

It's not fair to the men who seek to build something meaningful with you (and possibly your children) and honestly it really begs the question of your integrity. I mean just be honest. There is no shame in truth and transparency. If you wanna wait 15 years for him to finally ask you to marry him, be truthful. If you really need his money to survive or pay your rent, be truthful. If you think no other man knows you but him and you know you're gonna forgive every sin he does because hey its all in the past, be honest. Stop acting like you through when you know you're not. That shit makes me cuss.

Now that the emotional clouds have been lifted, I am thinking/processing on all cylinders and honestly some of the shit I'm hearing, seeing, and living defies logic. Why do you need to have access to his money? Why do you need that information? That is some married couple shit right there. J-Hawk is my G, my buddy and one of my best friends, but I am sure she'll laugh in my face if I asked for access to or information about her money and would press charges if she knew I had such access/information to her money and vice versa. Tell me again why it fucking matters what he thinks about us dating? Why would should we/I be concerned about what he thinks about me/us when the last time we spoke was almost 20 years ago? Again I'm sure J-Hawk would utterly spit hot coffee at me if I crossed such a boundary. Why is he living in your house for the past six months? Ha comedy. If I stayed at BM's house more that two days she's putting my shit on the back porch. I'm a pretty fucking intelligent dude, so explain to me why I can't express love in front of your family cause it would get back to him? If you wanna marry me then why does it matter what he thinks? I can only imagine the look BM would have is somebody suggested she hide an important (sic) facet of her life to make me, the fallen king, happy or kept ignorant or both.

I guess what bothers me is that as a former scummy baby daddy, I know for a fact these niggraz don't want yall and just get a thrill knowing they can have this measure of control over your lives. They (and I when I was doing this) could give two fucks about putting the "family" back together or any of that other bullshit. This shit is about territory. He can't deal, like I couldn't deal, with another niggra all up in the woman he believes is his. So in order to remove that man, he plays on the one aspect that you are soft for, the kids, and you just give in. You shit on and shit can the brother who is doing right, for the one who promises to do right? So he gets back and does what? The same shit he did when you left. He's right back to lying, slapping you around, texting his ex, pissing away the money, ignoring your emotions, ignoring you, not fucking you right, blah blah blah and he's now even more extra because he knows you will get rid of a true king to eat his shit. He knows he has a infinite get out of jail free card. He knows he can fuck up, let you think you wanna leave, come back with tears and pleas of family and in a week you'll be sucking his dick and the cycle continues: wash, rinse, repeat.

Yeah our love life does reflect our real politics. I digress though.

Really Queens how many Kings are you gonna let go in your life because you can't stop fucking or fucking with the Joker? How many second, third, fourteenth chances you gone give the negro who has shown he can't do it and at the same time deny the brother who is doing it real chances? It doesn't take a whole day to recognize sunshine and honestly if he was going to do right and wife you up he would have done so. You don't fight to get back into a place to stay "babydaddy". Let me give you an example: There are three exes I have that if I ever got back with (assuming I am single if the chance arouse) I would marry a week after reconnecting. Why? Because you don't come back to be in the same spot. You come back to do better. Brett Farve didn't come back just to play football. He came back to win a fucking ring. So when you give him his fifty-fifth chance is he talking the championship? I seriously doubt it. I am willing to bet these convos ain't even happening. If these talks are happening, I'm sure it's the whole "when I'm ready/ I aint ready" type convo. As a former scummy baby daddy I can tell you that nothing makes his dick harder than to know he got control over you like that. He's laughing, your delusional and the good dude is kinda salty.

After taking time off to reflect after an emotional meeting (well it was emotional for me) I recently with an old friend, (in this meeting it was confirmed that she decided to give her baby daddy chance number 4,591) I was forced to take stock and look at my last committed relationship, my last few dating experiences and last attempted dating experiences. What I have discerned is that the these damn baby daddy dynamics are the major obstacles to anything serious I want to build, and its forcing me to put further barriers in place to prevent me from being hurt again or given the short end of the emotional stick. I am tired of the Baby Daddy Blues and I need to figure out a way to stay out of situations that will lead to me having BDB. But by putting up these barriers I am shortchanging possibly a good sister who might really want to be true, and might truly have an understanding of how this shit is done like me and J-Hawk has figured out.

Shit maybe Mary Mitchell is right. Maybe yall do need to just marry your baby daddies and get it over with. Oh wait. He's bullshitting on that. My bad.

I don't know. I am trying to figure all this out. I guess right now all I am asking the sisters I encounter (past, present and future) if you know you still got hopes and dreams for that Joker to be the King, don't waste my time, energy or emotions. Don't talk about building anything with me if you even got a minuscule hope that he comes around. Just leave me the along and wait around for him to do whatever he will do and let me be on my way.

Let's all act in truth and transparency.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
2-06-2010
9:16AM