Revolutions and Rotations

You haven't been "T" in quiet some time and honestly Terrance I miss my friend."~Simply Red

A friend from high school asked me a very simple question, but knowing him it had a deeper meaning (as he was always a deep thinker): " really in to Star Wars, huh? ". Of course the answer is yes. I am not just a fan of movies and the occasional game, but I also watch the lil cartoons, read novels and give George Lucas extra money as a member of the hyperspace fan club. So yes I'm familiar in with the tales of the Jedi vs Sith.

But it isn't that love that dictated my name change, but rather conversations with people close to me, the village, that has forced me to step back and re think some major things in my life. It has forced me in this special year of 33, to ask what have I done, and more importantly have I forgotten who I am.

Who am I. Three simple words, asked as a question or made as a statement, carry implications and power. They force you to look deep within your self and face demons.

In truth, I haven't "been" The Prime Minister in quite some time. I lost my confidence before I became The Emperor's Prime Minister. My brothers warned me, urged me to step back. Dre urged me to smile and laugh, Buck urged me to get my mean streak back, hell Dan urged me to look at my legacy. In truth I listened when it was comfortable, and discounted it when it was not. In doing this I forgot the first rule of of seeking sage advice "knowing when to take advice is the first part of seeking advice". As I reflect on 33 years, in particular the last 5-10, I realize that in short I may have lost my swagger.

No, that's not honest. I have lost my swagger. And my smile.

Therein lies the reason for the name change. Its obvious that I am no longer capable of being "Prime Minister". The only person I was fooling was myself. It is time I am honest about who I am. Most importantly it is time I stepped back and asked what do I need to do to get back to being "The Prime Minister".

The very first Tiger General, Simply Red, called me for my birthday. Yet in her well wishes she expressed worry, she expressed sadness. She asked where was that man who walked into a room and commanded respect. She asked where was that man who went after what he wanted. She asked where was that profound positive thinker who had confidence. She even told me that Wei Yan's defection, while partly my fault, was part of a bigger problem: My lack of discernment since the Nicole era in who I let in my heart and inner circle. She told me to take some time to think it over and get back to that man.

*pause* Thank you Red. The bible says he that finds a wife finds a good thing and Will has found a good thing! I wish you all many years and blessings"

*play*

I needed time to reflect on all of this anyway. Honestly I have no answers and that is probably the most frustrating part in all of this. A lack of why.

But its time I found out why.

Being the Leo that I am I need to do something with a flair of the dramatic, but at the same time was symbolic at least to me. I thought about using "Afro Samurai", yet I found that symbolism to be to sad, (at least at this stage) and empty, outside of his quest for revenge. It is not revenge I am seeking but true healing. There were other symbols, but I felt the Jedi and all it stands for was the perfect symbol of where I am. Yet in even a Jedi knows when to hide and when to remain still. This is what makes the story of Obi Wan waiting in the shadows for Luke to come of age so enticing. He waited. He watched, he listened, he reflected, then he acted. I need to follow that course as I come to a point of introspection, growth and finally some healing and closure.

Of course, somebody is gonna ask me about the church and why not use Jesus or some other religious icon. That's fair question and here's an honest answer: While those things carry power and are real, they are also clichéd. Every negro in trouble grabs a cross, posts John 3:16 or something else. Even in my state of transition "clichéd" is not something I can muster. More importantly this symbolism needs not be "powerful" for the masses, it just needed to be for me. I have no qualms about explaining what it means (which is the next blog) but at the same time....well you know ;-)

One day, hopefully soon, I shall return to being the Prime Minister. I will fulfill all that I need to fulfill. But today I am not the "Prime Minister". I am a Jedi, listening and watching, reflecting and growing.

The Prime Minister will return..soon, but not yet.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

Battle Weary

By even fighting at all, the Jedi lost~Star Wars Revenge of the Novelization

I am tired. So tired. I have been at war for as long as I can remember. I am tired of the dark thoughts, betrayals and disappointments. I am tired of let downs and set backs. I am just tired.

Its hard to be betrayed, its hard to be abandoned. Its hard to lose, esp on a consistent basis. It gets tiresome. It really does...

There was a time, I could close my eyes, see the world without time and discern what was going to happen. I could tell friends from foes, those who truly loved me from those who didn't. I was able to smile.

Now when I close my eyes I feel nothing but sadness. I feel empty. I feel as if God has left me, and in the place of his spirit is an empty shell alone. I try to touch the power I once had, call upon my gifts and there is no response. War drains a man and dirties up the universe I suppose.

The ancient Samurai believed in the concept of Seppuku, also know as Hari-Kari. It was an act given to a defeated General to regain their honor. It is something most people don't understand, but yet there is something beautiful about it.

Part of me wonders if I ever really recovered from the fall out in 05. I know Nickia would argue I've been runnin on fums sine then, only rarely refilling my tanks, and never past a quarter. I am wondering if that is correct. I never have even truly mourned the lost of my father, whom I miss dearly.

People expect so much from me. It is a fugged up burden of intellect and ambition. They expect me to always get over it, deal with it, think of a plan. I am not supposed to hurt or be wounded. My friends think I should be knocked down a beg. I guess that is why my boy turned on me recently. His betrayal, as well as that of Wei Yan's only affirmed that maybe I am an outdated model. I don't know. Time as always will tell. I do know today, on the eve of my 33 birthday I can take it or leave it.

I'm tired of losing, esp that which I love. I am tired of people forcing their desires on me. I am tired of over bearing expectations, women who don't love enough, women who love to much, other people's kids, bills etc.

Shit I am tired.

Maybe if I had a playstation I wouldn't think about this stuff. I doubt it. But maybe.

But I don't. Today I have memories and pain. Vodka and headache medicane. Revenge and passion.

I also have an understanding of the Bushido.

and I wrestle with the obvious truth.

I am tired

That is Straight, No Chaser

TLT

8-9-2008