Battle Weary

By even fighting at all, the Jedi lost~Star Wars Revenge of the Novelization

I am tired. So tired. I have been at war for as long as I can remember. I am tired of the dark thoughts, betrayals and disappointments. I am tired of let downs and set backs. I am just tired.

Its hard to be betrayed, its hard to be abandoned. Its hard to lose, esp on a consistent basis. It gets tiresome. It really does...

There was a time, I could close my eyes, see the world without time and discern what was going to happen. I could tell friends from foes, those who truly loved me from those who didn't. I was able to smile.

Now when I close my eyes I feel nothing but sadness. I feel empty. I feel as if God has left me, and in the place of his spirit is an empty shell alone. I try to touch the power I once had, call upon my gifts and there is no response. War drains a man and dirties up the universe I suppose.

The ancient Samurai believed in the concept of Seppuku, also know as Hari-Kari. It was an act given to a defeated General to regain their honor. It is something most people don't understand, but yet there is something beautiful about it.

Part of me wonders if I ever really recovered from the fall out in 05. I know Nickia would argue I've been runnin on fums sine then, only rarely refilling my tanks, and never past a quarter. I am wondering if that is correct. I never have even truly mourned the lost of my father, whom I miss dearly.

People expect so much from me. It is a fugged up burden of intellect and ambition. They expect me to always get over it, deal with it, think of a plan. I am not supposed to hurt or be wounded. My friends think I should be knocked down a beg. I guess that is why my boy turned on me recently. His betrayal, as well as that of Wei Yan's only affirmed that maybe I am an outdated model. I don't know. Time as always will tell. I do know today, on the eve of my 33 birthday I can take it or leave it.

I'm tired of losing, esp that which I love. I am tired of people forcing their desires on me. I am tired of over bearing expectations, women who don't love enough, women who love to much, other people's kids, bills etc.

Shit I am tired.

Maybe if I had a playstation I wouldn't think about this stuff. I doubt it. But maybe.

But I don't. Today I have memories and pain. Vodka and headache medicane. Revenge and passion.

I also have an understanding of the Bushido.

and I wrestle with the obvious truth.

I am tired

That is Straight, No Chaser

TLT

8-9-2008