Gen. Ross: How old are you, Blonsky, forty-five?
Blonsky: Thirty-nine.
Gen. Ross: That takes a toll, doesn't it?
Blonsky: Yes, it does.
Gen. Ross: So get out of the trenches. You should be a Colonel by now, with your record.
Blonsky: No, sir, I'm a fighter, and I'll be one for as long as I can. Mind you, if I took what I had now, and put it in a body that I had ten years ago, that would be someone I wouldn't want to fight
Gen. Ross: [thoughtfully] I think I can arrange something like that...
~The Incredible Hulk
There are four times a year where I enter an almost trance like reflection on what my life has entailed, what it is now, and hopefully were will it be. Ironically, these days each fit into a season so I guess once a season I stop and moreso than I usually do pause and ask myself really hard questions: These days are:
- The Day before my Eldest Heir's Birthday (Winter)
- Good Friday to Easter/Resurrection Sunday (Spring)
- My birthday (Summer)
- The day before Middle Heir's birthday (Fall)
It's funny that on this, my 37th birthday, this scene from Marvel's 2008 hit The Incredible Hulk popped into my head on my way to work. I've always loved this scene but I am unsure why. Maybe because it is my secret wish to have one 30 minute conversation with 27 year old me and just pour into him. So, as I got dressed and begin to walk to work, I really got to thinking about the man I was ten years ago and how much I didn't know as opposed to the man I am now and all that I've learned. I asked myself what would I go back and tell that brash young man as he approached his 30th birthday. I imagined me sitting down at a table with him, coffee in my cup and vodka in his (damn Augustfest) with us talking frankly. It's not hard to know what I would tell him. So on August 10th 2002 I would tell that younger me:
- that he should stop drinking. Ten years from now alcohol won't even really matter to you and when you do drink its something mellow like plum wine.
- listen to his friend Erica. Don't go to that apartment with her ole girl. Ten years from now you will lament that decision almost every day if you do.
- stop being an angry at your parents. Ten years from now you will crave their presence daily.
- that conversation you are about to have in the park about not being ready for marriage will hurt. But shacking is not the answer. Ten years from now you will see the wisdom in this.
- spend more time with your fellaz (what I used to call my Heirs). Ten years from now you will hate yourself for all the haircuts, potty training and moments missed.
- stop treating your body like garbage with the liquor and bad food. Go back to the only fish diet. If you don't ten years from now you won't be able to get out of bed without limping.
- listen to your woman. Craft you own nieche and brand. OH can be the base but you need something more. Ten years from now it won't even be an OH Black Studies Conference.
- protect your credit score. Ten years from now you'll wish you had.
- don't send that email. Ten years from now she'll sit be hurting over the aftermath of what comes next.
- follow your first mind. Change Sigma chapters immediately. You don't like these guys and they don't like you. If you don't ten years from now you will have a love hate relationship with your frat.
- let go of that Fisk hurt. It's all in the game. Ten years you won't care and nobody else will.
- stop fighting that knot in your stomach that keeps you up at night. That's holy spirit. It's real. It's not a white man's ploy. Get saved. Ten years from now you'll wish you did it ten years ago.
There is so much more I would say but the space won't permit and my ADHD won't allow me to write. However, the above is what I WOULD say for certain; These are the thoughts I would give younger me to help them change from a boy to man. Like Gen Ross would ultimately offer Blonsky, I would give him an injection of a type of super solider serum to help him be better.But the reality of the situation is that there are no do overs when it comes to time. There is no super solider serum either. Those decisions I made by and large are irreversible and on some levels final. I can never take back the email. I can never get back time wasted hating Fisk nor being frustrated with them dudes in INS. My heirs won't go back to being 5 and 3. I can't get that time back with Mom and Pops. This right here is the way those past chapters are going to be written.Yet, that's not all bad. While I have subjected myself to and been subjected by others to ogobs of pain, disappointment, and setbacks, the fact is I'm still here. I've grown, become stronger and still I'm convinced the best is yet to come. Could I have this faith of a Better tomorrow if I erase the sins of yesterday? I don't think so. I needed each and every one of those lessons and scars. I need each and every one of those reminders of what not to do going forward. Besides, who needs a super solider serum when I have something called Grace and Mercy. That and another day to get up again gives me one more chance to correct what messed up (if possible) and press onward.But almost as important as Grace and Mercy is the reality that I have my Heirs and Heiresses and many other young people that I pour into in the course of my work. I can give them the gifts I may not have appreciated and hopefully they can and will do better with them that I did. Hopefully my children will break curses and cycles and do the things I was either to afraid to do or not meant to do. That truth gives me a sense of peace.
Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised, Amen.
In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8/10/2012
5:31pm CST
