Revolutions and Rotations: Past as Prologue

Gen. Ross: How old are you, Blonsky, forty-five?

Blonsky: Thirty-nine.

Gen. Ross: That takes a toll, doesn't it?

Blonsky: Yes, it does.

Gen. Ross: So get out of the trenches. You should be a Colonel by now, with your record.

Blonsky: No, sir, I'm a fighter, and I'll be one for as long as I can. Mind you, if I took what I had now, and put it in a body that I had ten years ago, that would be someone I wouldn't want to fight

Gen. Ross: [thoughtfully] I think I can arrange something like that...

~The Incredible Hulk

There are four times a year where I enter an almost trance like reflection on what my life has entailed, what it is now, and hopefully were will it be. Ironically, these days each fit into a season so I guess once a season I stop and moreso than I usually do pause and ask myself really hard questions: These days are:

• The Day before my Eldest Heir's Birthday (Winter)
• Good Friday to Easter/Resurrection Sunday (Spring)
• My birthday (Summer)
• The day before Middle Heir's birthday (Fall)

It's funny that on this, my 37th birthday, this scene from Marvel's 2008 hit The Incredible Hulk popped into my head on my way to work. I've always loved this scene but I am unsure why. Maybe because it is my secret wish to have one 30 minute conversation with 27 year old me and just pour into him. So, as I got dressed and begin to walk to work, I really got to thinking about the man I was ten years ago and how much I didn't know as opposed to the man I am now and all that I've learned. I asked myself what would I go back and tell that brash young man as he approached his 30th birthday. I imagined me sitting down at a table with him, coffee in my cup and vodka in his (damn Augustfest) with us talking frankly. It's not hard to know what I would tell him. So on August 10th 2002 I would tell that younger me:

• that he should stop drinking. Ten years from now alcohol won't even really matter to you and when you do drink its something mellow like plum wine.
• listen to his friend Erica. Don't go to that apartment with her ole girl. Ten years from now you will lament that decision almost every day if you do.
• stop being an angry at your parents. Ten years from now you will crave their presence daily.
• that conversation you are about to have in the park about not being ready for marriage will hurt. But shacking is not the answer. Ten years from now you will see the wisdom in this.
• spend more time with your fellaz (what I used to call my Heirs). Ten years from now you will hate yourself for all the haircuts, potty training and moments missed.
• stop treating your body like garbage with the liquor and bad food. Go back to the only fish diet. If you don't ten years from now you won't be able to get out of bed without limping.
• listen to your woman. Craft you own nieche and brand. OH can be the base but you need something more. Ten years from now it won't even be an OH Black Studies Conference.
• protect your credit score. Ten years from now you'll wish you had.
• don't send that email. Ten years from now she'll sit be hurting over the aftermath of what comes next.
• follow your first mind. Change Sigma chapters immediately. You don't like these guys and they don't like you. If you don't ten years from now you will have a love hate relationship with your frat.
• let go of that Fisk hurt. It's all in the game. Ten years you won't care and nobody else will.
• stop fighting that knot in your stomach that keeps you up at night. That's holy spirit. It's real. It's not a white man's ploy. Get saved. Ten years from now you'll wish you did it ten years ago.

There is so much more I would say but the space won't permit and my ADHD won't allow me to write. However, the above is what I WOULD say for certain; These are the thoughts I would give younger me to help them change from a boy to man. Like Gen Ross would ultimately offer Blonsky, I would give him an injection of a type of super solider serum to help him be better.But the reality of the situation is that there are no do overs when it comes to time. There is no super solider serum either. Those decisions I made by and large are irreversible and on some levels final. I can never take back the email. I can never get back time wasted hating Fisk nor being frustrated with them dudes in INS. My heirs won't go back to being 5 and 3. I can't get that time back with Mom and Pops. This right here is the way those past chapters are going to be written.Yet, that's not all bad. While I have subjected myself to and been subjected by others to ogobs of pain, disappointment, and setbacks, the fact is I'm still here. I've grown, become stronger and still I'm convinced the best is yet to come. Could I have this faith of a Better tomorrow if I erase the sins of yesterday? I don't think so. I needed each and every one of those lessons and scars. I need each and every one of those reminders of what not to do going forward. Besides, who needs a super solider serum when I have something called Grace and Mercy. That and another day to get up again gives me one more chance to correct what messed up (if possible) and press onward.But almost as important as Grace and Mercy is the reality that I have my Heirs and Heiresses and many other young people that I pour into in the course of my work. I can give them the gifts I may not have appreciated and hopefully they can and will do better with them that I did. Hopefully my children will break curses and cycles and do the things I was either to afraid to do or not meant to do. That truth gives me a sense of peace.

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised, Amen.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

8/10/2012

5:31pm CST

The 2010 Retrospective: An Old Dog Learning New Tricks

"Yall must've forgot!"~Roy Jones Jr.
"Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years."~LL Cool Jr.

Let's get the most obvious out the way: 2010 will be defined by the death of my beloved Queen Mother, Maria "Tony" Thomas. She was my best friend, strongest ally, most trusted confidant and head of the council of ten. Queen mother was the one person in the universe (other than COS) who truly understood how my brain worked and what made me tick. Her death forced me to rethink my priorities, spirituality, heirs future, personal goals and political thought on a level never before in my life (and that says a lot because I am very introspective); moreover it was done through a new lens: The eyes of a saved man. Though six months later, there really are no words I can come up with to describe the loss of my family's Moses. I just press forward with zeal and faith I will see her and my father again.

2010 saw me heal with both sides of my family. In a strange way Queen mom's passing forced me to bury old issues. Unnecessary beef is more cows to breed and so it was time to mend those rifts.

2010 was also the year my Spiritual Father, Pastor Gene Olison make his transition to Glory. I admit that my time with Pastor Olison was short, yet it was as profound as any instruction I have ever received from any mentor. For a moment I was sad and regretful that I will be unable to continue to learn from him. Then it was revealed to me that I all needed from him was imparted during our time together. Moreover, he has left a powerful legacy to continue his work: His wife and my new Pastor, the body of Elders, and the 2010 MVP Chief Olison. When I also factor in both of my brothers are Reverends and men of God I think my training will continue just fine. Thus at the very least, regret is removed from the equation. Moreover, if I am filled with uber regret and sadness how will I be able to keep my promise to my COS and her family and be there for them.

2010 saw all of my heirs continue to grow as fine young Christian men and continue to receive lessons in manhood training. I love them all and will do anything to ensure their success. No more needs to be said about that.

2010 will rank up there as one of the most challenging YET blessed years of my life; a continuation of my growth and development. The major difference between 2010 and some of those other years where there were challenges is that I now see myself in a different light. The jaded angry cynic really was clichéd needed to die. Life is meant to be enjoyed. I need to love God and love people. Most importantly I have an unshakable faith in God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. With that faith alone, I can conquer mountains.

In 2009 I started what I thought was a dream career with CPS. In 2010 it saw me practically begging God for a release from that place, and he granted my prayer via a layoff. Prior to my mom's death I was starting to realize the super radical, gotta spend my whole day fighting for liberation, pro Black, debating ever issue TLT was leaving, jaded with the movement, its redundant nature and a whole mess of other stuff. Now definitely after her death that man is gone and in his place is a more somber, spiritual minded dude who simply wants to live by Isisah 58 when it comes to dealing with the issues of society.

2010 saw me end old alliances. I will never forget what we shared, and might even make the special occasion cameo but I do think, at least for this season, I need to be with folks who are more accepting of my walk with Christ. It's business, (My Father's) and not personal.

Most importantly, 2010 saw me rededicate my life to Christ, get serious about my faith, my Word, my religion and truly change my life. I gave up drinking, lewd behavior and in case you ain't noticed there hasn't been one cuss word in my blogs in quite some time.

After the love related fiasco of 2009 (a year in which I fought on a lie in one dynamic and fought against an innocent woman in the other) I can say 2010 showed me the importance of seeking the God and listening to his word and the people he put into my space. While I still want to be married I am no longer going to ignore obvious shenanigans or engage in unhealthy banter/behavior/dynamics. I will find my Deborah if I remain obedient and stay in position.

In 2009 I was pushed to my limits spiritually, mentally and emotionally; I barely was able to answer the bell to carry on and many of the challenges I faced I failed utterly. I crawled into 2010 a beaten man. But as Pastor used to say "Failure ain't final." I made one heck of a comeback and in this wilderness season, I showed not only did this solider had a few more tricks up his sleeve, but he remembered some old ones as well.

Those seeds of hope and faith (as well as my heirs) are growing along just nice. I won't have to be in this wilderness much longer.

The line is moving.

I am so ready for the next round. *ding, ding*

Giving Honor to my Creator who is forever praised, Amen.

In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-30-2010
4:15am

The 2010 MVP

Ambassador Sarek: Kirk, I thank you. What you have done is...
Kirk: What I have done, I had to do.
Ambassador Sarek: But at what cost ? Your ship. Your son.
Kirk: If I hadn't tried, the cost would have been my soul.
~Admiral Kirk to Ambassador Sarek on why he risked everything to save Captain Spock, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

I wrestled with writing this little ode because the person it honors abhors loud and extra behavior by Negroes, and having seen her check such Negroes I really didn't want to draw her ire. Yet, I felt willing to risk it because I wanted to pay her as much respect in public as I do in private; I'm a firm believer in giving both public and private props where applicable. But still I debated a whole week (two if you count the bout of writers block) if writing this was appropriate.

Yet, not to write this would be a travesty of sorts considering I have written about MVP's who a) in retrospect shouldn't have gotten the award and b) ain't done half of what this person has done in my life. So this year's winner is gonna have to suck it up and endure this moment of extraneous and read (while smiling) their tribute blog.

In fairness this one was over before it really began....which is shocking because I honestly thought it would be impossible to top last years winners. Yet, by May this competition was in the bag; actually it wasn't even a competition it was just me completing the process so nobody could cry foul. It was sorta like the Rahm ballot hearings but on a more personal and meaningful level.

When I think of the 2010 MVP, I often ask myself why I didn't select this person sooner. She is intelligent, wise, caring, a Woman of God, giving, a great reader of people and (with no disrespect) blunt to the point being rude. I could go on about her qualities but then that would only be redundant; just know this sister is as good as they get.

While I was brainstorming this blog, I realized though I didn't see her skills or understand our friendship because I wasn't ready. I would not have recognized the wisdom and favor that my friend has brought on my life. I needed the soul breaking of 2009 to make me ready to listen in 2010. I guess this is what the Bible means when it speaks of a (set) time for favor to come (Ps 102:13 KJV). It wasn't time and I needed to be in a position to receive and finally get it.

NOW, I am aware AND appreciative of what this friendship means to me. This year's MVP is not only my BFF but my Chief of Staff. I once told her father that if I ever got my own company or became an Alderman (or something) that she would be my COS in theory as well as reality; she would be my right hand because there isn't anyone I believe I trust as much on the planet. Our friendship proves that men and women can be friends, there is love in the Kingdom and that truly virtue and wisdom come from a woman.

So without further adieu: Congratulations to 2010 MVP: Nonie Olison.

Per the custom, here is your thank you note.

COS,

I owe you. Words can not express my gratitude for you coming back for me. I mean it. Thank you for coming back for me. At a time in my life when folks didn't know how to help me, when people seemed to think I lost it, when I thought I lost it, you never quit on me. I know you don't like it when I say this, but I swear had you not been on maternity leave the LSC and DOF would not have happened. I would not have experienced that soul breaking moment. You would have saw through her/it/our nonsense and called it. But I guess then we wouldn't have be here? I guess you are right: I needed that to get to this place. So I'll accept 2009 as a corner needed to turn and in the process I can hear my BFF's and God's voice.

I love our how friendship has evolved and grown. I love how we can have open and honest dialog. I appreciate how you keep me honest without condemnation, yet you are straight forward enough to offer insight on actions that don't represent God,the Kingdom, my heirs, or myself. This is rare among people our age. I was laughing with a friend last night and she acknowledged that truly you are the COS and all roads to the throne come through Olison town.

I couldn't agree more.

I know at times I can be difficult and appear selfish to you and your needs as my bff; I can be too Terrance-centric. Trust and believe that is not the case. I am well aware you need encouragement and uplifting as well, but at times I make the mistake of forgetting even the best needs a hug and a Word every now and then. I've been working on that and hopefully it has manifested itself.

Dear friend I know right now you are going through a difficult season. This season is going to test you and push you. I have been there twice. But as God and those three elders are my witnesses, I will stand with you and help you through as you have done with me. The hubby and the kids are blessed to have you and I hope if God sees fit he will bless me with a wife of your caliber. Just as you stood tall with me on both occasions, I will stand tall with you. Your family, esp our Pastor Mama CO has my loyalty and best performance of duty.

I am not sure if you are a Trekkie but I picked the above quote from Star Trek because like Admiral Kirk going back for his friend Captain Spock, you coming back for me was a great risk also. I was as self destructive as it got and you reaching back could have gone so many different ways. But that kind of selflessness is what defines you and your family; you saw the best in me and figured out how to get your friend to press towards the mark of the high calling. Again, thank you dear friend.

COS, I don't want to be overly long, in part because there are no words to stress what you mean to me. I just needed to say and write to you dear friend what I promised. I look forward to big things in 2011 and I am glad we are going to make this journey together. Indeed, the line is moving.

One more time, Congratulations 2010 MVP!

*pause*

And before you ask Naw Negro ain't no U.S. money is attached to this award like in sports. I mean I can pay you in link dollars but mostly your financial compensation is in Kingdom money.

*play*

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised, Amen

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser

TLT
12-29-2010
1:31:15AM

The Longzhong Plan: Parable, Prophesy or just a great story.

Author's Note: The following story and characters is taken from one of my all time favorte books Romance of the Three Kingdoms; the actual text comes from the introduction of the book "Mastering the Art of War" by Thomas Cleary. As the title suggests I think it to be a parable, possibly a prophesy, and a just a damn good read. What you think it means I live up to you. I will simply use the words of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and say "whoever has ears, let them hear" ~TLT

In the spring of 208, member of the imperial family of the Han Dynasty and virtuous warrior Liu Bei, was on the cusp of total defeat. Although he was in command of three of nations strongest and cunning warriors: Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, and Zhao Yun, he lacked a strategist who could rival the wiles of Tsao Tsao, his arch enemy.

Acting upon the advice of an former subject, Liu Bei and his sworn brothers, Guan Yu and Zhange Fei, went to visit the Hidden Dragon, Zhuge Liang. Liu Bei was advised that Zhuge Liang was a mind unrivaled under heaven and would alter his fortunes. (As a side note he was also advised to seek out The Fledgling Phoenix, Pang Tong, should Zhuge Liang been unwilling to serve. Tong was seen as Liang's equal of sorts.)

After seeking out the reclusive genius three times, Liu Bei was finally given an audience. After sitting down Liu Bei said to Zhuge Liang "The house of Han is collapsing; treacherous officials are usurping authority; the emperor is blinded by the dust.” The warrior lord went on to solicit Zhuge’s advice.

In response, Zhuge Liang told Liu Bei the following:

“Ever since the beginning of the current power struggle for what is left of the Han empire, many prefectures and districts have been taken over by such men. If you compare current contenders for national power, one of them - the notorious Tsao Tsao was once an unknown with a small force, yet he was able to overcome another warlord with a much large following. The reason the weaker was able to prevail over the stronger is not simply a matter of celestial timing, but also of human planning. Tsao Tsao now has a million followers; he controls the emperor and gives orders to the lords - he can not really be opposed.”

“Another warlord, in control of the area east of the river, is already
the third generation hegemon there. The territory is rugged and the
people are loyal to him; the intelligent and capable serve in his
employ. He would be a suitable ally, but he cannot be counted on”

“Here there is ease of communications and transport. It is a land
suitable for military operations. If its ruler cannot keep it this
would seem to be a boon to a general. Do you have any interest in it?
To the southwest are precipitous natural barriers beyond which lie
vast fertile plains. That land is called the heavenly precinct, and it
is where the Han dynasty really began.”

“Now the governor of that region is ignorant and weak. To the north is the stronghold of the independent Taoist cult of Celestial Masters. The people are robust and the land is rich, but they do not know how to take care of it. Men of knowledge and ability want to find an
enlightened leader.”

“General, you are a descendant of the imperial family, and are known everywhere for integrity and justice. You gather heroic men and eagerly seek the wise. If you occupy this whole region, guard the crags and defiles, establish good relations with the foreign tribes to
the west and south, make friends with the warlord east of the river, and work to perfect internal organization, then when there is a upheaval in the total political situation and you mobilize your armies, the common people will surely welcome you with food and drink. If you can really do this, hegemony can be established, and the house of Han can be revived.”

Liu Bei agreed, and it turned out as planned.

Zhuge Liang became his top strategists.

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised AMEN)

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-18-2010
12:10pm

Peace, Upgrades and Redemption: Finding comfort and solace in Faith

"I guess I'm a bad man who tried to be a good father. I don't know.
Every man has a right to change, a chance at forgiveness.
Ain't that what the good book says?"
~John Marston

I was talking with an old friend of mine about my
spiritual journey when he told me I was the embodiment of a famous cliche; I was the old jaded war veteran who had come home from an ugly conflict and became a man of the cloth in order to forget about all that I saw and done during my war. While acknowledging my love for God and his word, as well as conceding that I truly wish to walk in God's light, he did raise the point that it does seem like I'm hiding from those things that torment me, as if I'm hiding from my never ending thorns.

The crazy thing is I can't really deny any of this.

As I've written extensively, 2009 left me a broken man in all areas: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. There was a total war waged last year and when it was over my personal landscape looked as though General Sherman had marched to the sea. So I openly concede when the war ended in my defeat, I packed my bag, locked away my twin pistols and medals, then went to the one place I had overlooked (at worst) or never seriously considered (at best): God's embrace. Like the cliched archetype, I needed to clean my soul to seek deliverance and healing for all that was done to me; I needed give repentance and seek forgiveness for all that I had done to others.

Yet, I don't think I'm hiding or running from thing. I am not inculcating myself in God's word and trying to live according to his righteous standards as a way to hide from uncomfortable realities. I am a realist through and through; coupled with the fact that God hates a coward there really isn't an option to "flee" from reality. I am an open book that operates in truth and transparency. I don't believe I could hide from or behind anything if I tried. Nor am I trying to suddenly change my M.O. to one of "holier than thou." I am no one's judge although I will call out things I see that make no sense to me using my paradigm of logic and faith.

Instead I consider what I'm doing not only a necessity for true living, spiritual maturity, and growth, but I also know its a safe spot. It's the one place where I can be protected and guarded from my most dangerous adversary: my mind.

I know what you're thinking: "Wait TLT, our biggest adversary is the devil, not our minds." True, but what do you think is one of the main weapons he uses to lure us in? Why did/do our elders say an idle mind is the devil's playground? In my context, if my mind is not kept on the things of God (Jas 1:22), things that are healthy unequivocally spiritually uplifting I will experience the world without time. I will remember and visit places I am struggling to clean out: The Summer of 2008, that negro winning being awarded the throne, trying to balance the never ending beef with congress and "MacArthur" etc. I got so much stuff to clean out in this current wilderness trek that its real easy to stop in the middle of my cleanse and reminiscence on things that should not be called into my heart (Issiah 65:17 NTW).

More so than a an offensive weapon and protection against the darkest corners of my mind, the Word and the instructions therein FINALLY provides me a with a place where things make sense. If the word is a room then I can say that it makes sense in here, it does not make sense out there. Love is unconditional in this space, in the world it is totally based upon a set of conditions. Here I am understood and respected, outside I am ridiculed for who I am. In this room who I am is not as important as who I will be, out there I am forever haunted by sins of yesterday's past. In this place there is healing, out there pain; was there really any other choice for me to make?

Do not be misled; I am no fool. I know that I will have to account for things I done before returning to this room. God and the faith are not some magical goose that I can fall back to after doing all sorts of things for umpteen years. Yet, through his grace those punishments will be light or better yet they won't totally wipe me out. Even if he doesn't I still won't leave this space. If he did nothing else for me he's done enough. His undeserved kindness is sufficient for my life (NWT).

I think about the archetype my friend compared me to and they always seem to have a sad ending. I don't believe my Creator (who is forever praised, AMEN) has a sad ending in store for me. I've enduring the breaking down process, I've submitted to the wilderness trek, I'm working on the bad habits and begging for a new mind; doing these things I will show myself approved. My story won't end in a poetic death but a victorious rise into a true man of God fully equipped for all things.

As I said in January I can only go up...those seeds of hope that are watered and nurtured by faith and God will manifest an upgrade.

Ain't nothing else really needs saying...

In Truth and Transparency

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
6-02-2010
3:45pm

Towards a More Perfect Union: Still Rethinking Black Love

"You are a beautiful as Tirzah my darling,
as lovely as Jerusalem,
as majestic as troops with banners.
Turn your eyes from me;
they overwhelm me"~
Song of Solomon 6:4-5(Songs) TNIV

I have no clue as to what it is about the weather turning nice that is so toxic to Black relationships. Perhaps it is the alluring effect of the summer wind blowing freely that touches our primal side making us want to run wild and act like beasts in heat. Or maybe it's the plethora of half dressed chicks and men in body shirts that leave nothing to the imagination and get the blood flowing. What is it that makes us want to drop our "Winter Mami/Papi" and go play for the summer like a fall TV show on hiatus? Perhaps mofo's are tired of being cooped up; just like the old settlers they can finally leave their log cabin of after a long winter of relationships. When the snow melts and they get that desire to go out and explore the world (simple translation: they just tired of you).

I confess I don't have answers to these queries. I guess I am raising them in my never ending (self) dialog on Black love; I am also moved by a number of my friends who seem to be going through these motions at the moment. A few of my guys are ready to dump their girls, several of homie girls are ready to sign them papers, if they haven't out right signed them. It's maddening, especially when I've become the de facto relationship advice go to guy.

*pause*
I would be remiss and intellectually dishonest if I didn't point out that my last few runs crashed and burned and thus I am at a lost as to why they would come to me for help. I reckon I'm good at saving other folks stuff but not myself; or maybe even better I didn't (at the time) have the full set of necessary skills to save/fix/work through my dynamics.
*play*

I have explored Black love a few times in this space among various concepts: political, motivational, and the bluntly crude. However, I have never explored Black Love from a spiritual stand point. I will attempt to do that now.

As I grow in my spiritual walk, I am learning to put God and his righteous laws first; it does not matter what the area is, I need to make sure I use biblical application and spiritual discernment. The Apostle Paul writes in 2 Timothy 3:16-17: "All Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness, that the man of God may be fully competent, completely equipped for every good work (NWT). Thus, using the Scriptures, I decided to find a concise definition of love to frame my argument and naturally that lead me to the definition of love that is outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Here the Apostle Paul is very clear in what makes up the emotions and actions of love: patience, kindness, rejoices in the truth, always protecting, trusting, hoping, and persevering; at the same time he is very clear on what emotions and actions are NOT a part of love: pride, dishonor, self seeking, easily angered, envy, or keeping a record of the evil done. Further in verse eight of the same chapter he reminds us that "love never fails" and in verse thirteen we are told that "the greatest of these (faith, hope and love) is love.

Thus with a firm definition of love in place, the first logical question that Black Love (or those of you bless to be in a relationship based on Black Love) must ask is this: "Does the relationship we have and profess to have operate within the spiritual definition of love? As much as it depends on you (us) are we adhering to the Apostle's wise counsel? Is the dynamic full of trust, kindness, patience, hope, and truth (just to name a few) or is it full of the opposite: anger, selfishness, envy, pettiness, and dishonor? Black Love is like a flower seeking to bloom, and it will thrive off of the former, but will surely die off the latter. If your dynamic does not have the qualities of true love what can be done to infuse or inculcate them into your dynamic? Answering this essential question can be a major help in deciding if what you have is worth saving or fighting for.

Now that we have a spiritual definition of love to use, and we have spiritual examples of how love feels and acts, the next logical step in this formula is understand how our overall thinking effects how we operate with in Black Love. In doing this there are two things that immediately come to mind: what thoughts occupy our mental space and what words come out of our mouth.

In dealing with what occupy our thoughts the most important question to ask is "Are my thoughts where they need to be?" or "Am I thinking about another when I should be thinking about he or she?" It's damn near impossible to have productive Black love if your time is engaging in thoughts of another. I am reminded of the wise counsel our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, offers at Matthew 5:28. Jesus says here: "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart" While Jesus uses a married man's thought as an example his message here is clear: "You think it, you've done it." He didn't mince words or play around in hyperbole. Honestly, and I've been on both sides of this coin, how long do you think one can harbor all kinds of inappropriate thoughts before it effects their relationship. Jesus here wanted us to truly understand the wisdom found at Proverbs 23:7 "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. (KJV)" You can not continue to eat and drink the images, affections and thoughts of another and still keep your mind and spirit with the person you have offered a commitment too. It is only a matter of time before, as Jesus so wonderfully put it, that you are faced with the realization that "no man can serve two masters (Luke 16:13 TNIV)."

Please don't think I am acting holier than thou. That is not my intent. I will state it again for the record: I know this to be true not only because the Bible tells me it is true, but because I have been on both sides of this coin. Believe me when I tell you I know firsthand that as long as you harbor these thoughts, you will try to serve two masters; most importantly it will be only a matter of time before you are confronted in the reality about those naughty desires laid out in James 1:15 "after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." Like the above counsel on adultery, we can apply this to relationships: death in this context is the death our our relationship (and honestly our spiritual well being).

In speaking on the book James, he has offers sound advice for part two of our thought equation. Here James exhorts us to mind our tongue. James advises us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because our anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires" (James 1:19-20 TNIV). With this scripture in mind, is our (yours or mine) version of Black Love filled with all kinds of language and words that bring forth anger and wrath? Do the words we speak reflect love or are there nothing but hurt feelings, pain and suffering. Is the dynamic one of "you so and so" today then tomorrow "I love you? " Such behaviors can not feed love. Words hurt. Words remain. Words once spoken can never be taken back. I would argue most of the demise starts here: a painful word, leads to a wandering mind and then the definition and framework of love gets ignored or removed. Real talk we need to watch what we say; "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" is written in the bible for a reason. Honestly, if we can't watch what we say to our loved ones, which is really easy and simple, then we can't be expected to, and will not do, the really hard things.

The last thing that should be a staple of Black love, using the spiritual paradigm, is regardless if we actually "see" it or not it (Black Love) should be felt, it should be obvious from the things around us, in the same essence that the Creator's (who is forever praised Amen) love engulfs us. I am reminded of the words Paul writes in Romans 1:19-20 where he speaks about how although we have never "seen" God, his invisible qualities "have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made." In essence Paul is saying even though you can't touch it, you know its there from the things you see around you, from the presence it has on your life and how it makes you feel. Should not Black Love be the same thing? If you and your mate don't say a word all afternoon, shouldn't you be able to sit under that person and feel their warmth and love? If you and that person just wake up in the morning and share a glance, should the love not be evident? Even though you can't see a thing doesn't mean you can't see a thing ya know? Does the love you have subscribe to this scriptural message or do you have to struggle to find the energy, find the reason, find something to even apply the above principles, let alone live within the definition outlined in 1 Corinthians. If not then you really need to sit down, take this matter to God in prayer and see if your dynamic can be should saved.

I think I'm stop here. I don't want the blog to be overly preachy. I mean I could talk about the advise Solomon offers in Ecclesiastes or how couples should treat each other in Ephesians but I won't. I will offer and suggest you read those scriptures for yourself to get some understanding in how Black love can truly be saved and not be given just another quick fix transfusion. Like all other areas in our life, if we don't take Black Love to its spiritual and scriptural essence it will die.

I am sure some of you all who are reading this will probably dismiss it as another one of TLT rants or even hide behind the wonderfully flawed post modern notion of "you're single till you're married (I stole this from someone)" or as a frat brother of mine used to say "job applications don't ask if you have a girl. They asked are you married." I implore to rethink this foolishness. Such a position is dangerously post mod and logically unsound. Let me correct a fallacy right here and now: "practice doesn't make perfect." What makes perfect is "Perfect practice" The bad habits and erroneous thinking you have now you will take into your relationship and one day into your marriage and it WILL KILL IT. DEAD.

Before I end this, I want to encourage you all to read Solomon's "Song of Songs." While thinking about my aforementioned friends and their relationship woes, I feel asleep listening to the version recorded on "The Bible Experience" and I can tell you that was Black Love at its finest. I suggest finding "The Bible Experience" or reading the "Song of Songs (TNIV version is the best)" to really see what it means to have a spiritualyl productive love. It motivated me to write a blog.

What will in motivate you to do?

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5/12/2010
8:51PM

Consecration Camp

"Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."~Ephesians 6:11 (TNIV)

"This means everlasting life, their taking in knowledge of you, the only true God, and of the one whom you sent forth, Jesus Christ."
~ John 17:3 (NWT)

As I grow in my current spiritual walk (or MORE accurately the current trip around my mountain) there are two ideas that often occupy my space, one from the secular and the other from the spiritual, though both are interchangeable. First, in Philippians 3:14, the Apostle Paul exhorts us to "press towards the mark of the high calling." While Paul was speaking in a spiritual context, it can and should be applied to everyday living; in all we do we need to strive to the be the best. Just because nobody is perfect that is a horrible reason not to move towards perfection. The second is the often quoted (and abused) passage from The Art of War where the great general Sun Tzu advised us to "know ourselves and our enemies." Obviously, we can flip this to apply to our daily struggle with those things that seek to devour us on a spiritual level. I mean how can we resist and combat the devil if we don't know what he's capable or more importantly what WE are capable of doing. Sure, we can do all things through with faith and proper application, but still it's always good to know what your baseline skill set is.

*pause*
Please don't nobody tell me that as a Christian I ain't supposed to "study war no more." Our faith is adorned with the language of war i.e. "complete suit of armor (more on that later)", battling with principalities, and of course erry negro church in north America uses some variation of "onward Christan soldiers" or "Soldiers for Christ". Thanks!
*play*

With this as a backdrop, I recently participated in my new church home's "spring cleaning", a consecration and fast designed to clean out the mental, emotional, physical and most importantly spiritual garbage/junk that had accumulated in our space. As you can see I used both the terms garbage and junk because as we all know not everything we keep past the due date is inherently bad, yet keeping these things can cause just as much problems as actual garbage in terms of holding on to something for far too long. Like the proverbial spring cleaning everybody goes through we were tasked with getting rid of that stuff that has accumulated and stayed (good or bad) past its due date. We were challenged to adhere to a liquid diet the first three days, a meatless diet for two weeks, a fruits and vegetable diet for one week and finally a liquid diet for the final week. In addition we were supposed to clean up our physical space and our spiritual, mental, and emotional space via prayer and supplication. I confess I struggled with the actual physical cleaning aspects, so I won't go into that here, what I will discuss is what I learned on other levels during my time in Consecration Camp.

First, and I learned this about two weeks in is that fast and consecration is a private matter between you and God. In Matthew 6:16-18, Jesus tells us to not behave as the "hypocrites do" twisting our faces and in essence announcing it to the world. He tells us to put our best face forward, as our Heavenly Father will reward our humility and does not dig anybody's grandiosity.

Second, I learned that this really is a battle between the flesh and spirit. I've heard old religious folks say this for a coons age, but it wasn't until this recent exercise that I understood it. I didn't pick this up until the start of week three, but still it was an important lesson to gather. I mean the first two weeks were murder on me; I didn't even want to cook for my heirs. The smell and touch of meat drove me insane. I practically hid from, ran from, and was angry toward, any and all discussions about meat. I often just rolled into a ball moaning for the Lord to protect me. I realize now this is both impractical and unrealistic as it shows I didn't understand the power of prayer (or His word for that matter) and it shows I didn't have any faith. Contrary to what many Christians think, running scared from a problem isn't a demonstration of faith, it's cowardice and God, whether we want to hear it or not, hates a coward. During those moments where I was around flesh I should have prayed, meditated, asked for strength then went into my Word. This not only applies to cooking meat while fasting, but really any situation that runs counter to the will of the Creator (who is forever praised AMEN). This does not mean I should go out and find all sorts of situations to get myself into and then cry for him to help me; such a mentality is not biblical, but at the same time knowing he won't tempt me anymore than I can't bear (esp. since he doesn't temp us with evil at all), I can rest assured that when faced with these or any future crisis's that faith, prayer, and the Word will get me through or at the very least make his power perfect in my weakness.

The third lesson I learned was fellowship was extremely important. Surrounding yourself with people who share(d) your goals, spirituality, and faith (or at the very least didn't try to oppose you) makes consecration that much easier. With this cleanse I had the total support of not only my church, but it also my Baby Mama (who supported and participated with me). I didn't' surround myself with folks who were against my journey, made fun of my trying to get closer to God, or even actively oppose me. One of my favorite scriptures reads: "Do not be mislead. Bad association spoils useful habits." (1 Cor 15:33 NWT) I am thankful to God for the wonderful, new support (old support in Baby Mama) in my life now.

The fourth was a new, accurate, assessment of weakness. *smile* I won't get into that here, I mean I love yall, but sharing my weakness in this blog is a bit much. I will simply say if I don't get a handle on these thorns in my flesh then it will cost my spiritual life. Trust me when I say I am praying often (trying to make it daily) to help me get a handle on that which makes me weak. With the truth in knowing myself, I can win victories and press towards the mark of the high calling.

In the book of Ephesians (6:11-18) the Apostle Paul instructs us to "put on the full armor of God": the belt (loin gird) of truth, breastplate of righteousness, feet fitted with the gospel of peace, shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. With this armor I am ready (or at least should be) for/to combat the machinations of the devil, whether I bring it on myself due to lack of discernment or the daily testing he gives us. When I decided to go back to God,seriously and with zeal, I automatically gained two pieces of this armor: the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation. Granted they needed a bit of polish and strengthening but still I got these first. The rest of the suit, however, had to be gained through consecration, and will be strength-ed through prayer, supplication and being a disciple of Jesus.

I mentioned in my last blog, my feet can not walk the path of anger, they have to walk in peace. I can't shake my fist at what I perceive to be past injustices(or real injustices), hold on to the bitterness, and claim to walk in peace. By the same token, I have to even let go of those good times; as those memories only serve to hold space in my heart and prevent God from sending me that woman who will love me deeply, honestly, and properly. This also applies not just to things of my recent past, but things in my deep past. Those memories, good and bad serve to undermine my peace; either I am lament lost or daydreaming about good times long gone. I can't have that any further.

In gaining the belt, or loin gird of truth, I accept the truth about my weaknesses. It is important that I respond accordingly. Sun Tzu said it better than Paul on this subject "if you know yourself and your enemy you won't lose in a hundred battles." Now that I concisely know what my thorns are, I need to seek Holy Spirit in developing a plan of action and do, as much as it depends on me, my best to stay out of those situations. The truth will set us free, it will also protect our most vulnerable points if we allow it.

My path, my acquiring accurate knowledge, walking in faith and following Jesus are all within God's will and thus I gained the breastplate of righteousness. In essence my path is righteous, even if I am not always such. The breastplate will keep my heart pure and just and ensure I stay righteous. Like the helmet which guards my mind, the breast plate will cover the other aspects of my emotions, namely my heart.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly is I truly learned (or am learning) how to use the only offensive weapon in my arsenal: The Word of God. It is a real military truism that no matter how sound a defense is, it will falter under a constant barrage of an enemy attack. The best defense is a strong offense and real talk you don't get better than the Word of God. I learned during this past month that reading, studying and drawing on the Word is essential. On days I did well I was in the word, either reading it or listening to The Bible Experience. On days I struggled, I neither listened to, read, nor picked up my word. Without my sword, I am finished. It is essential I kept it close to me. All the other parts of the armor won't do me good with out my Sword in which to fight off my enemy.

The past thirty days have helped me draw closer to God, understand my potential and get answers and clarity, even more so than when I use my physical intellectual mind.

Now if I could only discern what my Father wants me to do with this nagging desire to go to Seminary.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-10-2010
11:04am

I did too much didn't I?

"As it is You boast in your arrogant schemes.
All such boasting is evil."~ James 4:16 (TNIV)

OK...um...yeah.

So I made the brilliant (sic) decision to challenge myself to match last year's April blog output in sorta a "I'll show you" attitude which in turn led me to make some pretty bold predictions. Of course, as with most things the hyperbole doesn't necessarily meet up with reality. I guess this is what the bible writer James meant when he advised against "boasting in your arrogant schemes"

I see now the issue isn't my writing skills but rather A) the energy I was drawing on and b) how that same energy effected my time. In essence, I'm not mopping around crying over how unfair I was treated, drinking vodka and listening ad nausea to "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Whithers but rather praising, worshiping and walking with God, being with my heirs, and working with kids who make me want to do more than drink Vodka. I decided for spiritual, emotional, and mental reasons to kip up and do what the rest of the world was doing....enjoy the hell out my time on this planet.

I also made the mistake of locking myself into a paradigm. I really don't want my blog to become the 700 club, yet at the same time I'm experiencing a spiritual awaking that I never had before (even in all my years of "studying"); after sharing my pain I should and will share my joy.

You really would laugh if knew how many saved drafts I have on this thing. I will get the spirit, start writing a brilliant piece, then realize I don't want to sit in front of the computer anymore, save it with the promise of coming back to it, then go live life. Next thing I know I've gotten five or six drafts and well behind my projected outcome. Oh and on top of that I got a bold prediction to make come true. Man I can be such a queef.

Ironically though I find this to be most excellent.

I am glad Jah (who is forever praised Amen) has removed me from the place and space where my only emotional outlet was blogspot; I'm glad I am removed from the mental and emotional arena where my snarky loyal readers took more interest (even if that interest wasn't always altruistic) than those in my life.

My life...it feels so frigging good to have it back.

With all of this said, I really am not ready to abandon my personal challenge. I have 19 days left to pull out a miracle and I intend on doing just that.

But even if I don't I'm damn proud of my discoveries, recoveries and lifestyle change...

You have no clue how truly thankful I am for this.

In truth and transparency
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-10-2010
2:13pm

Scared, No Skills or Both: Exploring Communication in Relationships.

"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No';
anything beyond this comes from the evil one."~Matt 5:37 (NIV)

So this afternoon I became engaged in the conversation about "communication" in relationships with two of my beloved sisters on the Council of Ten. Each seemed to be annoyed with the man in their lives who, for whatever reason, seemed unable to effectively communicate; in some cases these men either flat out lied or avoid the conversation on some very serious issues. Since we support each other readily in ALL matters they sought out me for advise on "why do men behave this way."

I confess that as a man who is an excellent, straightforward communicator, that their questions left me dumbfounded. I'm old school and I was trained men should be upfront and say what's on their mind (with respect and tact). I was taught that men shouldn't be afraid to communicate; seriously what is the other party gonna do? Kick your butt? So to me (and I mean their guys no real disrespect) these dudes weren't men or rather weren't acting like men in those moments and I had no logical or illogical answer for them.

I don't want to, in my time spiritual rebirth, to imply all of my communication has been flawless. It has not. On this very blog I have sometimes conveyed the wrong message or allowed the wrong emotion to guide my thinking. I assure you that I've also dropped the ball in my personal life. Shit just last year in a moment of emotional immaturity and using the wrong communication technique I....

Well you know THAT story...

However my point isn't necessary about the flaws of communication. Those things happen. My commentary is on the men who don't communicate and don't try to communicate. Yeah sometimes, due to imperfection and ignance we get the communication wrong but still I think it's downright horrible not to try to communicate.

*pause*
But if I really want to be intellectually honest (I do), then I need to right now include the sisters in this lil rant because yall, can be equally horrible communicators.
*play*

So what is at the heart of this problem. What makes people double talk, hide, refuse to speak up and all other sorts of nonsense. What makes a person hide from or ignore conversations the other person in that shared space deem important.

I thought about this briefly, looking at my own life as a model; I compared my actions on both sides of the fence in an attempt to discern what really is at work during these times.

The answer in my view is quite simple: People who engage in this behavior are emotionally immature as well as emotional cowards. I concede I don't know which is worst: being emotionally immature or an emotional coward. I mean I've been emotionally immature, yet I have never been an emotional coward.

Yet, in this regard they do go hand and hand. 98% of the folks who are emotionally immature I would bet are also emotional cowards and generally this leads to emotional abuse. These people lack the maturity (and by extension the skills) to effectively outline their needs and wants. They don't know how to communicate and problem solve so they hide from any emotional entanglement outside of the basic primal emotions that come out during sex or when they are tearing down the other party emotionally.

*pause*
In another moment of intellectual honesty, I must confess there have been two women in my past, Soror Sage and The Nurse, who would on the surface have fit the notion of an emotional coward (on paper) but that really wasn't the deal. In both of these cases, the sisters dodged conversations with me because they felt my skills at persuasion where that damn good I would have gotten them to reverse their position and come back to something they felt wasn't healthy. Rather than do that, these wonder women simply avoided me. It was crude but effective. I reckon my persuasion skills ARE that good ;-).
*play*

Like physical cowards, they know they can't hang so they dodge, hide, avoid, play sick, speak Spanish and do all sorts of other nonsense to stay out of the emotional dialogue. Of course when hiding doesn't work, like in the physical they resort to violently outward antics in the emotional (and I reckon mental) realm. In a sense it makes them seem double-minded, on the one hand they often profess undying love, swear to God, promise to die for you, etc but on the other hand they avoid (again unless they trying to have sex or bully you into leaving the conversation) the most essential component to a relationship: effective, honest, communication. It is my sincere belief that until we/they/us tackle this notion of emotional immaturity and emotional cowardice then we won't be able to touch the notions of lack of emotion, unsatisfied emotions, or even emotional abuse. We will continue to be on that hamster wheel, trying to convince the other of the worthiness of our emotional needs and space.

Of course this begs the question of why we as humans keep investing in these junk bonds offered by people who take one of our most prized components and utterly crap on them. Do we feel we can't do better? Do we lack the skills to move on? Do we lack the courage? Are we that sexually whupped? I do not know and there isn't enough space here to even divulge into this here. I will simply submit that at some point we all have to look at this aspect and answer the very hard question on whether our returns are meeting our investments.

Like most things I argue that too is tied into fear, and that fear comes from an immature handling of a perceived lack of skills. More importantly when one lacks faith they fall into this habit of taking mess.

But again, I don't to explore that here. Maybe in another blog. For now I will simply tell my sisters to force the conversation, make these men be men and guard your hearts.

More importantly, I would tell them to act, as always, in truth and transparency about their needs.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-8-2010
8:00pm

Wrestlemania 19

"The tongue has the power of life and death, those who love it will eat its fruit"

~Proverbs 18:21(TNIV)

Recently, while working on my "Faith and paradigms" piece, I went and looked at some of my writings from April from last year. Now if you know me or have been following this blog for any length of time, then you know I am probably the most introspective cat you know. Thus, I was curious to see if I evolved at all; I wanted to walk through time and look at my mental during this trying period. I always said that was the major purpose for writing so much then, to document history and have a real time record of the challenges I was going through. I didn't go through the entire spectrum mind you, but rather I concentrated my retrospective on the first month, April, when all that began.

In what could be considered pure creative genius (or sheer desperation and lunacy) I clocked an amazing 29 blogs for that month. 29 blogs out of 30 days. Think about it: 29 straight blogs about a love lost, the struggles of healing, trying to find faith, seeking understanding, and all kinds of depressing stuff. Don't get me wrong, those works were brilliant, they were honest, at times snarky and funny as they were soul wrenching, but still they just showed a side of me in pain that I don't think anybody has ever seen before.

Last year, when I was discussing my heart and fortitude I compared myself to the great (and sadly now retired) HBK Shawn Michaels. I said that moment in time was my Wrestlemania 14. To quickly recap, Wrestlemania 14 was the last match HBK had before he left (at the time we thought for good) to have back surgery. He performed his behind off in that match and he did it hurt, he did it even though he was emotionally spent, and he did it because he was a true champion.

Likewise, as hard as I fell, as hurt as I was I endured and kept going. April was my very own Wrestlemania 14, the moment when I thought I was broken for good and headed towards retirement way ahead of schedule.

With this in mind imagine our surprise in the summer of 2002 when Shawn Michaels returned to the ring at Summerslam. It was like he didn't lose a step. He came back and performed at a level that rivaled and surpassed where he was when he left. More importantly, he came back with a sense of maturity and sense of peace that could only be described as inspirational.

Even more inspirational than his Summerslam match was his classic five-star match with Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania 19. This match erased any lingering doubts that HBK had not only returned, he returned better than before. If you haven't seen this match or don't know what the heck I'm rambling about I've left the link here.

Of course *sexy smile* this moment, this resurrection and return, is my Summerslam. It is my time to return to life better, stronger and wiser when I left. It is my time to come back to what I love, those I love, doing what I love and show my growth as a man, faith as Christian, and skills as a writer.

I know what you're thinking: "Big talk mofo. Sure you say you found your faith again, sure claim you got that swag back, sure you are declaring you back on you square but this is all talk. Do something to make us believe negro!"

You know snarky mofo's you gotta point. I do need to do something big. I gotta do something to prove to you guys that I am really serious.

What I am about to undertake will be my Wrestlemania 19. It will be show and prove that I am back, better than ever with my God giving me the strength to do this and all things. I am going to match my April output in writing with a twist: I am not going to write about anything somber, depressing, relating to heartbreak, meetings with the devil, or any other form of that I did during last year. I am going to show and prove once and forever that not only can I write when I am happy and feelin' fine, I am going to show and prove that I am connected to my Lord and Savior (who is for ever praised AMEN) and I am drawing on his energy for new creative inspiration.

Don't get it twisted I am not claiming to be a holy roller or Jesus freak or anything like that. This blog won't become blogspot's 700 club. I am just hella excited about re-connecting with my faith and being back on good terms with my God. I'm occasionally drop some sad/oh wow/make you wanna cry gem. OK, maybe a little more than occasionally. You can never really get rid of the classics.

Except this month. This month I am going to show that if I can function in the darkness I can function and want to function in the light. I understand now what Donald Lawrence (taken from Proverbs 18:21) was speaking when he sung: "One Word Away..the power of life and death is in what you say!" I didn't understand this in the midst of last year.

I understand that now. Last April I spent so much time with my head low in April shows. This year I am going to out stretch my arms and dance with faith feet in the rain.

I will have my Wrestlemania 19.

I hope you enjoy this ride.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-07-2010
3:11pm

On Faith and Shifting Paradigms

"I wonder what would happen when you stop being scared and truly ask God for direction"

~Minister of the Interior

So....

Last night I wrote about my "Resurrection Sunday"experience and I, as expected, was meet with some pretty positive remarks. I absolutely love it when my uplifting stuff gets this kinda praise because it just shows me that I don't suffer from what I call the "Mary J/Marvin Gaye" syndrome. What is that you ask? Well its a snarky way of asking if outside of the sad/complex/sexual paradigm present in my writing does all the other TLT work suck? Apparently not. I guess I've gotten over the "I can't write unless I'm sad" hump. I have to give God the glory for this, as my time away allowed me to truly shift my world view without sacrificing the concept and strength of Straight, No Chaser.

However, I don't think it was my writing skills but rather the subject matter that garnered the shocks of awe therein. I am sure a blog entitled "Resurrection Sunday" from a guy who has professed on a number of occasions to be a supporter of and walking towards the path of being a Jehovah's Witness (JW) raised more than a few eyebrows. Equally, I reckon a such a spiritual blog from a cat who spent seventy-five percent of 2009 in darkness, despair and depression caused some mouths to drop; in fairness it's kinda hard, as my dear Minister of the Interior once commented, NOT to read some of my work and assume I was at best a heathen and at worst some new age religion or atheist.

Let me dispel this myth once and for all time: I was born and raised in the Jehovah's Witness denomination. Despite some misleading and incorrect information out there and spread about them, JW's are in fact a part of the Christian family. Agreed, they often do things apart and antithetical to mainstream Christianity, however this doesn't negate the fact that they are a denomination of Christianity. With this fact in mind let me state for the record that I EMPATHICALLY AND WITHOUT QUESTION BELIEVE IN GOD. I AM NOT AN ATHEIST NOR APART OF SOME NEW AGE MOVEMENT. I am and shall always be a Christian and will always follow and adhere to the tenants of Christianity as outlined in the Holy Bible.

But if this is true, it doesn't quite explain how and why someone who all but affirmed unwavering loyalty to this denomination (even to a point of kicking off family civil wars) ended up writing a piece full of images and language that runs counter to the JW lexicon.

The answer is quite simple. I am no longer seeking to be a member of that denomination and decided to step out and finish my spiritual journey in the context of exploring broader Christianity.

Let me do this another way: Like Malcolm X, I am leaving a branch of my faith that indeed gave me the initial training I needed, but at the same time was restrictive to my growth in the essential three: faith, hope and love.

I'll pause a moment and let this sink in.....

*pause*
I wonder when they are going to bring out a new Romance of the Three Kingdoms game?

*play*
As I was saying, much like Malcolm X, I am embarking on my own hajji, my own Damascus journey to draw closer to God and understand his words and requirements. I needed to step out of my spiritual box and see what the rest of the spectrum was like.

Yet, this doesn't explain the "why". Why did I shift? Why did I walk away?

I can't say when it began. Maybe it was that afternoon I sat in Borders in the fall of 2006 and read Crisis of Conscience by Raymond Frantz. Maybe reading his words and listening to the account of one of the JW's governing body talk about the pitfalls and problematics really shock my core.

Or maybe it was the fact that after I started my study, no JW I met could explain to me what happened in 1975, at least honestly. Nobody was willing to explain this outside of "it wasn't us but some apostate." Failure to acknowledge mistakes or errors really turn me off.

Could it been the fact that I've seen the same behaviors in the organization that I saw in the "world". With rare exceptions I saw the same petty egos, nepotism, hustlers and women that I was told to run from in the world.

Was it the fact that in order to be one, as rational as it may seem, also seemed to go against bible training? Why did I have to study first to profess belief my faith in God and the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ?

Maybe it was that time I went to church with Wei Yan. I remember going to church with her and being so afraid, having been taught all my life that tongues, holy ghosting, and call and response where evil. I remember Wei Yan trying to explain this wasn't evil but gifts from God to me but I didn't want to listen. Yet there was something so beautiful about that service I never forgot.

Perhaps all of these things laid dormant in the back of my mind. I'm often told that faith and intellect are a bad combo; I don't agree with that but I am guessing I questioned myself right out of my faith.

BUT.....

The real truth is my faith died during LSC and DOF. As one snarky mofo commenter posted a while ago my faith wasn't working and I needed to rethink my position.

During this time I found no comfort in the path I was on, no hope, no alleviation from the pain and it made me think truly about what it was I believed in and why was I on the path of being a JW. I was going through the motions, bible study, going to the Hall, reading the material but on the inside, spiritually I was dead.

I'm not sure who that reflects poorly on: Me or them, what I do know is I needed a major paradigm shift. I began to talk with people I trusted about the matter, people like my CO-MVP's, my brother, Rev. Dr. Wonder Woman, my Chief of Staff and Ekklektia. Each one affirmed what I felt and could not tap: I AM a man of God, I sought to do his will but I needed to restart my faith. They advised me to seek the truth of God on my own and leave behind the regimentation of being a JW. One of my co-MVP's phrased it best: I began to worship out of loyalty to my mother and fear of crossing the line than out of faith. What would happened if I asked God to take that fear from me and guide my steps?

I pondered this long and hard. I asked God for direction.

He answered it in the form of an old friend that had come back into my space. This sister encouraged me and begged me to go to church with her, not unlike my other friends who advised and asked this of me. Maybe it was the fact we were in a dating dynamic, maybe it was she really didn't know the extent of my lack of faith and didn't pressure me, but whatever the reasons, she found the words to get me to at least try one more time going to church. I remember taking these feelings of fear with me when I went into the church with N.R who got me to relax and open up (and for this I am forever grateful).

In spite of these fears, it was a marvelous experience. I was touched. Even moreso those praying and offering prophesy knew what I had going on inside of me. They understood. The brother that put the oil on my head knew. His words calmed my spirit. It made me open up. For the first time in years I felt a connection, I felt the divine presence. I felt God. So I went to church a few more times with N.R. each time soaking it up. I begin to ask everybody I knew questions and absorb as much material as I could. Finally it made sense...again. I got my connection back. I healed and was ready to leave my box and explore the larger landscape of Christianity.

In essence, I defied my fears jumped the fence and found a beautiful world. I found a world that helped me heal and get arise alive in faith, hope and love. Trust me when I tell you that it was scary as heck jumping that fence and looking into something I was raised was wrong and not productive. Trust me when I say that took faith.

I don't want this post to appear to be anti- JW because it's not. ALL denominations from Roman Catholic to Southern Baptist have their errors and potential problematics. JW's are no exception. I am merely stating that denomination is no longer for me. I look at them the same way Malcolm X looked the NOI: I am VERY grateful for the ground work laid, the intital training and introduction to God, but I needed to do something else for a number of reasons. Unlike Malcolm X though I'm not going to bash them as he did the NOI. I have no reason to. They are not my enemy. Besides, My mother and several good friends remain connected to that organization. Can I truly bash my mother or them? No! Honestly, mainstream Christianity could learn (and has already taken quiet as it's kept) a few things from them: dedication to learning the bible and not relying on the interpretation of others, a serious outreach ministry, separation of the pulpit and politics, an examination of a lot of these so called Christian holidays and lastly at least understanding where the name Jehovah (YHWH) comes from. At the same time JW's can learn a whole lot from mainstream Christianity like how to keep your faith and intellect, how to explore the deeper meanings of the bible, how understand poetic devices as opposed to literal readings in the bible and how to reach out across the isle. The boxes aren't aren't always necessary within the faith.

Regardless my path is set. I will find me a nice church home and worship my God. I am going to continue to press towards the mark, continue to learn his word and cultivate my faith. While I am more than willing to do this in the confines of the Christian faith, I am unwilling to do so in the box of a denomination and human dogma, esp when there are unanswered questions.

In Romans 1:16-17 the Apostle Paul writes:

"I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God who brings salvation to everyone who believes...For in the Gospel the righteousness of God is revealed-a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: The righteous will live by faith."

It is with this faith that I reconnected and will now continue to walk in God's light, do his will and be a better man. With faith in God I have done and can continue to do these and all things...

And only the mistakes have been mine.

Be blessed!

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-5-2010
4:30pm

Truth and Transparency: The FIRST Rant of 2010

"You want it to be one way..but it's another"~ Marlo Stanfield

You know I should have written the year end review the way I had originally planned, but true to the form of 2009, I kinda held back to make sure I didn't piss anybody off, hurt any feelings or otherwise create any more messes that I would have to clean up in 2010.

One of the more interesting phenomenon of celebrating a new year is our obsession to leave the past behind without reconciling any of the events, people or emotions that came with the previous year. It's like we believe that somehow at 12:01am on New Year's day we can just close our eyes and the events that lead us to this space and place would somehow disappear.

Oh snarky mofo reading this if only it were that easy.

The real truth is that despite all of our lofty proclamations to "leave the past behind" without reconciling any events or people we are simply setting ourselves up to have a rehash of the previous years events. I would submit that instead of closing our eyes and flying away to the land of make believe, the new year, esp the first month is a perfect time to de-classify files, achieve closure and then move forward. These things are essential in gaining closure, growth and ultimately writing history.

It was this narrow minded thinking that got me into the shit in 2009 and early in 2010 got old wounds reopening and feelings of bitterness, angst, hurt and all other synonyms bubbling to the surface. So I might as well deal with it now with truth and transparency the old wounds that somehow came running back in the early days of 2010.

If this blog were a real person I'd choke the shit out him. Seriously, it causes more pain than its worth, yet at the same time it is as one person put it "my bible" and its guar-damn-teed that the answer is found within these pages. I would agree with that. While I will take the occasional creative liberty, while I will sometimes hide folks name there is no hyperbole in this bitch here. How it plays out in the real world is how I write it here. My shit is concise and you don't have to guess. This space is rude, honest, painful, funny, sexy, and fucking well written. This is why every now and then I will write something that causes such a shit storm that I need to pause and address what was said. For example when I wrote the piece about my honor after being told I was fake, the dialog was hot and heavy. I deleted most of the comments cause they were just rude and only I can be rude in this space. Yes indeed, there are times when I drop a gem so good its gonna start a riot.

It seems the last entry in the "Reconstructing Memory" Series will be the next riot starter.

In the past 48 hrs I've been told my blog was "disrespectful", "judgmental" "harsh" "arrogant" "bitter", "part of a larger plot" , "games" and all sorts of other things.

My official response:
Are you serious? Fuck all yall. That's real talk there.

Disrespectful? My piece is disrespectful because I raised the point that I felt like a rebound? Really? Well I guess its disrespectful then because I do/did feel like a rebound, and judging from the information gathered, since party A went back to that space after we ended then that makes us *drum roll* a fucking rebound. How else can I feel when I was told shit like "not to show excitement cause it will get back to him" or introduced as "friend" and "frat brother", yet we planning a future and blending children. The entire world knew from hour one of day one who that person was, where they stood in my life, EVERYBODY knew who party A was. There was no question, no ambiguity. I was "all in" from the start. I didn't need to heal, soft peddle, hide, go around, and if then. She was (the) Queen. Everybody else was...well regular people. Now I dare any muthafucka to say that was matched.

*taps* I'll wait.

*stops taping*
Fucking exactly. It wasn't. Now, as I finish healing and begin to reflect I'm wrong for feeling like a glorified place holder? Really? I did shit right and by the book. That one can't complain. Nobody can complain. I got shit canned for defending my emotional space. I may have did it a bit rough, but all I was doing was fighting for something I thought wanted me. How is that wrong? What really fucks with me is this person also laid then entire LSC/Duel/break up in my lap. Really? Please tell me what great sin I committed that deserved me to be dumped then banished and treated like I didn't fucking exist. Oh wait I sent a rude email in that mentioned hate, and yes I showed up unannounced. Oh yeah I wouldn't take that bullshit laying down and took it to the mattress and fought. Oh wait. I was wrong for reaching out to "her", the enemy. So that got me banned? Wait. I'm sorry. Yeah we left out the part of the story bout me being so fucking out of it mentally, so hurt and despondent that my dear "friends" felt the way to help me was to bounce. So I reached out, for help clarity and answers. I went to the one person who fought and clawed for something they wanted and I believed understood. So fucking what. What did that have to do with me and Party A? Really? Even if I did reconnect....man let me stop. My reconnection had jack shit to do with nothing. Niggaz did what they wanted cause they wanted to and I gave them the excuse. Me and that friend are still struggling to define our friendship; party and her "ghost" are a family. You tell me how the shit looks. So I again raise the question what were these great sins to be banished and forgotten? Sins, yes. Cardinal sins. Hell naw. Maybe on some far away planet. Who knows. But on earth, I know niggraz have been forgiven for much worse.

Speaking of my friend I'm say this once and forever. Is the Ret Gen an ass? Yup. Did she try to whack me? Well yes. Does she play CIA games with people? Yes. Rowdy? Yes Dangerous? Yes. Was she one of the few people to respond when I needed a helping hand? Yes. Was she the one who helped me not kill my fool self in June? Hell fucking yes. These aren't contradictions. These are facts. I need for my friends who hate on my healing friendship with said General to ponder this real cute question: "If I had to go to somebody so wicked (their words, not mine) what does that say about my support network and loved ones?"

Yup. You sucked.

At one point in history this was my ace, the tip of my spear, my Tiger General. If we could ever get past the bullshit and sort through what went wrong and deal in accountability she will go back to being those things. Not a moment before we healed and made amends and not a moment after. I'll say it again: The General was/is/will always be a fucking asshole. Always. But at the end of the day she was something most of you were not: (insert word here).

Speaking of Generals, yo for real get over yourself. I've absolved what we did wrong and hold myself accountable for my mistakes. But real talk you ain't Cindy Lou. It's like the CIA telling the KGB they are victims. It's like Wei Yan acting like Zhuge Liang didn't like him in a vacuum. You fucked up too. As I stated above you're used as reason #1 why I couldn't go back and yet I defended my potential friendship/friendship with you. But I'm playing games. Oh you mean games like hacking, sleeping with best friends, using police tails, emotional warfare, fiscal warfare and shame? Those kinds of games? Pffft. I told you. This is my process and while I want us to reconstruct I wasn't going to deal with the mood swings and the breakdowns. Let's both get over it. Move on. Stop it. For real. If I was on some shit you would know. You've been my greatest student, best friend and worst enemy. We said we was moving beyond that. So I'm need to you make this shit easy ya dig.

You know Just Dre told me to post what I felt cause it was gonna come back. I should have. But now I've dealt with it and ready to finish the wonderful journey of my 35th year. Nothing is gonna break the heart of this champion. Nothing.

I always love and welcome readers. I even love the occasional riot. I'm just letting it be known though the days of soft peddling and compromise, esp when it comes to this space are done. If my words are to public, blunt, rude, or "tells the business" I suggest you....pray? I don't know.

I just know I will remain

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
1-8-2010
12:00pm