Balance of Power

With Great Power comes greater responsibility. ~Ben Parker

Confession: I am a manipulator. I am. Sometimes it done with malicious intent and sometimes its not; however that does not escape the reality that I have manipulated people and events into my visions, agenda and ultimately my goals. Truthfully I have gotten so adept at doing it I don’t even realize when I’m doing it and it takes my loved ones to speak up and call me on it.

Confession: Up until very recently, I saw the world and the people in it as pieces of chess board. In fact, back in the day I used to have a chess board set up and would move it; each piece representing somebody and the board a goal at that particular time. Pawns, rooks, kings and queens were all present. It seems kind of silly now, but the truth is I saw the world in that manner.

Confession: I have read and studied almost every tome on the art of politics and deception. The 48 Laws of Power, The 36 Stratagems of Ancient China, The Art of War, Mastering the Art of War, The Tao Of Deception, How to win friends and influence people, In Search of Goodpussy and even The Bible. Yes overly sanctified Baptist reading this the bible is fully of ways and lessons in how to pimp the system. How else could the Apostle Paul be “all things to all men” and an Apostle to the nations? Right. Mull that over and get back to me.

Confession: I am futurist or at least try to be. By using lessons of the past, by studying the present I try to seek out and find solutions to problems before they come into being, I try to predict or at least use logical conclusions, what is the next event or action in a sequence. I think this truly is a gift from Jah, and it helps me make sound judgments. I call it “The World without time”.

Confession: In fact, as evil as this sound, this has served me well it my life. It has kept me one step above enemies; it has helped me be invaluable to my loved ones. Honestly when I abandoned the use of the above mentioned lessons, I’ve gotten into the MOST trouble. This is especially true in my love life. The moment I stop looking at the dynamic in a logical sense and romanticize then all hell breaks lose.

Problem: However, being a manipulator on any level has major consequences. One even when you are acting in an altruistic manner, your words, actions and agenda is questioned. I think this was a major obstacle between me and Queen a couple of months back. She just didn’t know what the hell I was on. Another unintended side effect is generally people blame you for shit you didn’t do or even know about; in effect you become the perfect target for folk’s flaws, failures and/or every other generally bad thing that has happened to them in the past 12 months. But more importantly, what happens when your soul fills up and you can no longer stomach they way you operate? What happens when you can no longer ignore the cries and pleas of people you hurt? See I too have been an asshole in love and an asshole in general and I sleep with (although the nightmares have slowed tremendously) guilt and regret of those people and emotions I used to achieve my goals.

Recently an ex 00 of mine tried to commit suicide. While my queen and my queen mother informed me I held no responsibility for this situation a great friend of mine didn’t offer such absolution. In essence she let me know that I had used a bunch of people, she included, to keep my kingdom together until I got what I wanted and moved on to where I wanted to be. She let me know that I was responsible for this mess, insomuch that I “taught” the young lady to be manipulative and I taught her how to pull these antics; but more importantly she let me know that this young lady had every right to be angry and hurt because I tossed her away when her usefulness ran out and when my Queen came to claim her throne. She went on to offer an analogy I would understand totally: Wei Yan had snapped and become a rogue agent and I held full responsibility because I didn’t take care of her mental (or rather be mindful of it) and didn’t bring her out the field properly. While she did conceded that the choice to take ones life was her own, she wasn’t going to let me off the hook easy either.

I really thought about that. I heard the pain in her voice. I truly listened. I went back and reviewed a lot of emails and texts from folks who were hurt. I did burn a lot of people with this situation. Far too many to name.

While I will offer no apologies for choosing my Queen, while I offer no apologies on loving who I love ultimately, I will say first thank you all for what you have done. Trust me in was appreciated. I will also say that I am TRULY sorry for my methods in ending our dynamics. I could have done it a bit more tactful. More importantly, I’m sorry for treating you as political objects and not people who loved, cried and cared. I do believe part of the early struggles with me and my Queen was karma, I needed to experience if only for a moment, the pain you have (had).

*pause*

This isn’t to imply my Queen used me as a political tool, but rather to state I know the hurt and pain of wanting something you think is out of reach.

*play*

Resolved: This is why I am going through a personal Glasnost and Perestroika in my new relationship. No more master’s of the universe games. I admit its hard and its scary leaving things to chance and to Jah. My whole life I’ve had to claw and scratch and make a way out of no way and now be asked to “go wid the flow” is uttering frightening. I see why countries go crazy when they have to lower their guard and trust each other.

However, my style has not really served me well in love and friendships. I do truly crave that component. So I as much as I can, one day at a time I’m going to be honest, and open no matter the consequences. My mind is a gift from Jah, and I truly need to use it better.

Otherwise…I’ll end up like all the other great manipulators in history: alone, confused and betrayed.

And that scares me more than anything else.

TLT

Straight, No Chaser

Feb 10^th 2009

12:01am