"Give it a rest sir"~Author Unknown,
but a player for the opposite team
"All the pieces matter" ~Lester Freeman
but a player for the opposite team
"All the pieces matter" ~Lester Freeman
Yesterday marked the 150th day of my campaign to be heard, seen, and re-evaluated. Like my comic book idol Batman I had planned on leaving holding a solemn vigil to
However, in the best laid plans of mice and men that was not to be....
I got a text message yesterday morning from my dear Brother Andre informing me that the woman that helped raise him, his grandmother, had made her transition. Brother Andre is one of my dearest friends, a council member, and we have gone the entire circle of ambivalence, enemies and ultimately allies. If I can use pop culture as a reference: He is Superman to my Batman. In a sense of life imitating art our friend has evolved as such. So naturally when I learned he lost his grandmother, it immediately put my "mourning" on hold. Dre faced this day with dignity and courage; while he is undoubtedly in pain he has kept his cool, something I haven't done often enough, and stood tall. We had drinks last night and he accepted his reality, no matter how shitty it makes him feel. In our conversation he reminded me that he and I had gone through so much more, that while we are hurting at all times we must remember that we are Black Studies, we are a part of a legacy and we are children of Armstead. That only requires we hold our head high, even in the face of utter defeat and swag. Pity and self loathing rarely are sexy qualities in a Prime Minister. I have done, I think, a little too much of pity and self loathing. I can only reflect so much before it turns into brooding and brooding is never good for the soul. Until all are one I'm going to drink with my friend, remember his grandmother who supported our work in Black Studies with a gentle smile and kind words, remember how he hugged me when my own father died and do what I do best, Stand by my friends.
At the same time in the same place:
My new friend, Soror Shulamite Woman (L.R.J) is leaving for a fresh start in MS. It's funny to type my new friend because this Soror used to loathe me; rather she hated my public persona of a rebel without a cause and pause I use to hide behind during the Nicole era. Somehow we began speaking on FB, my status messages showing her that I was no longer a rambunctious ass, but a multifaceted brother. During the next two months, we have drawn close, sharing joys and pains; secrets and insight. In looking at my Soror celebrate her departure, I realized that our friendship was another chance at redemption; another chance to do it over and right, another chance to affirm my word is bond. I succeeded in doing all of those things and earned another night of sleep. I will forever love my Soror for this moment, a chance to go from Saul to Paul and to heal wounds. More importantly her leaving reminded me of a time past, when I got real scummy at a neighborhood party with some of the local "organization members" and just was off my square. One of the elders of the group, walked up to me put his arms on my shoulders and said "Lawyerman (my old hood nickname) this aint for you. You had enough and its time to go." He walked me through the gang way that lead to our houses and I went home. Last night I used same story to convey to her that I was proud she was stepping and out leaving all the hurt behind, and the nonsense and starting over. Touching her on the shoulders I echoed the same words and wished her godspeed and let her know what this friendship meant to me. In a moment of brilliance she looked at me and repeated me back "it's not for you T." I understood. Later in the evening she sent me a text reminding of my worth and quality. It's heartwarming when people truly see you for who you are and not what they want you to be.
It's funny that while we were celebrating, a friend of hers, one who wishes to be her king became upset at the fact she's leaving and he never got his chance. Instead of forgoing those emotions to celebrate with the woman he loves and enjoy that moment he sat outside and in the corner, he sulked, he brooded, he pouted and outside of the moments of compassion and concern when she went and checked on him, she was not going to allow that to stop her night. She was sadden by the fact he was hurt, but she had to move on.
I thought about me and (the) Queen (my Black Butterfly) and wondered if that is how she sees me...a brooding giant who can't/couldn't stop long enough to enjoy the moment. I wondered if that was how the village saw me, an annoying whiner who just couldn't accept reality. Either way I didn't want to be like that and seeing how it looks from a difference perspective made me understand that like all those years ago I have had enough, this may not be for me and it is time to go home.
I will miss my friend's physical presence, but thanks to Facebook and Blackberry we will never be apart. I pray MS is good to her; Jehovah knows she earned it. More importantly I will NEVER forget how she gave me hope and redemption when I didn't quite have either. She proved to me that when given a chance at redemption I could and would indeed show my worth.
Bye my dear Soror. You are loved and will be missed.
Earlier that day...
My oldest heir came to me with a couple of problems. He was having the good old 7th grade relationship complications; you know the kind of relationships where they like you at 8am but by lunch time thanks to friends and grade school politics they no longer like you. He confided in me that his feelings were hurt and that he didn't know what he did wrong. In short he told me all he did was like the girl and be nice and now he was having the worst two days of his life. He asked me what should he do. I offered a number of suggestions for him and to him, but the irony was that after listening my advice he asked did any of this work on (the)Queen. Taken aback, I realized that I had not been a good role model for him in the area of love. I have spent so much time lamenting my issues I have not properly begun his training on Black love and its its complicated forms. Seeing him hurt and not having any definite answers he felt he could trust made me realize that I needed to increase his training and move him towards manhood before he gets to deep into the madness that is teenage relationships.
The second problem he encountered was one of betrayal. We learned his new "friend" and locker partner stole his phone and then later came back and stole his replacement sim card. Again he came to me with answers on why friends hurt each other, why friends can't stay/be nice and how should he get over it. Again I realized I have not imparted wisdom on him, more importantly what answers have I discerned while all of the meditations brooding I have done. I have a son about to enter his teenage years in the City of Chicago and as hurt as I am; as tired as I am I can no longer afford to not pay attention to (or pay more attention) to his training as the trials he will face. My sons deserve no less than my full attention.
Indeed all the pieces matter....
I spoke with my therapist on Wed, who understands my inability "get over it", in fact she gave me the Maze song to help verbalize some of my emotions. As I lamented and talked about the (un)fairness of this situation, she asked me a simple question: "Terrance did you and have you done everything possible to make this situation work. Answer that honestly then the rest will come you." So over the next two days I scoured my old emails, cards, and letters over and over and each time I removed more and more emotion. I realized I made some mistakes. I fucked somethings up, but at the same time none of them were "crimes of intention". They were as I have always said out of ignance than malice. Still in spite of those snafus I gave it all my love with every fiber of my being. I still love it with every fiber of my being. I had nothing to work out and I was ready from day one to build the kingdom. Even as the Black hounds of depression slowly caught up and ultimately over taken me I reminded dedicated to the kingdom and nothing not even the rebellious generals, potential "responsibilities" or unsupportive friends and family altered that truth or made me waiver from that. In short I would have died for that kingdom but ultimately lived for the kingdom that was to be built. This isn't to say that other parties wasn't equally invested; I shant speak for or try to speak for them as tempting as it may be. I believe in my heart they were and evidence supports this. My issue these past 5 months, esp the last month or so was the refusal to see the paradigm with new information; in spite of all that was reveled my honor code and my character was challenged and my integrity was still called in question. Once I asked a former lover with whom I had difficulty (or it was asked of me) "If an imperfect dynamic can make one feel perfect or great what happens if both parties perfect that dynamic?" That was my central question now and IT remains my question now . If I made you feel that good (better than the best) and I wasn't even 60%, what would happen now at say 85%? It's a valid question. It deserves(d) a valid answer.
Yet it needs two people to explore and the hard truth is I have been told that the other party isn't interested in reviewing or answering that question. When compared to the revelations I've seen in the past day I am forced to agree with my snarky mofo comment. It is time to seriously give it a rest. My war to be heard has had a negative effect, it has been seen as character flaw, it has been seen as everything but what it's supposed to be and it honestly the only person who is caring on this level is me. I say this not out of arrogance or snark; it's just a simple truth I am helluva lot more intense than most people. Thus it stands to reason this would effect me in greater detail. But at the same time I can't really apologize for my war or my pain. I can't apologize for my feelings esp when all I heard constantly is the notions of "my, me, mine." Thus in real time and talk fuck whoever cant and wouldn't understand this. I know when I stand before Jehovah and he asks me about the LSC and the Duel I will be able to say to him that I succeed in some areas, faltered in others but I gave it 100 plus 10.
When placed in context of the lessons of standing tall, knowing when it's no longer for you, and the reallocation of resources to a more important objective, I think that it really is time to move forward. I'm not predicting over night, but I am saying it's time. No need to retreat to mountains or hide. No need to be bitter. No need to keep knocking at doors that slam in my face. She is loved..(present tense "ed" not past tense "ed") and if she ever wanted to come back I would do it in a heartbeat, (shame and pride and all that other Post Mod b.s. be damned) but the fact of the matter is this quest has the potential to spin out of control and even though I've mostly blogged and self lamented it still has had far reaching effects. A supporter of writing suggested that I no longer count the days of my lost, but instead count the days of aspiring for "A Better Tomorrow". I think that's the goal esp when I have sons that need me at my best.
One moment and day at a time that will be my goal.
A Breaking Point
Late last night I sat down with an old friend to have a drink or two; it was my way of giving that person a final goodbye that I believe I deserved and was denied during the LSC: a quiet one on one relaxed discussion over drinks; a goodbye date if you will. There were no delusions or false expectations that person would be allowed back into my life. We were not going to discuss us and I might have even given her some had she acted right. It was my intent to give that person one normal night the last night to end on a positive note as a counterbalance to all the negativity we had given each other.
As we sat in the car during that moment of silence that comes with these situations I did the drunk people nod, I closed my eyes for a moment. I slumped in my seat as I had done hundreds of times before hoping to catch a quick catnap to sleep some of the copious amounts of vodka off and to give her a chance to collect her thoughts. Suddenly my old friend who was sitting behind me (she had stated earlier she didn't want to sit next to me and I thought nothing of it) grabbed me in a martial arts choke hold, one I taught her and one that is quite lethal. Normally I could have escaped but my condition and my seating position gave her the higher ground, the weight advantage and basically she had me.
She had me dead to rights.
As air left my body, my thoughts went to my sons, my family, (the)Queen. I said a quick prayer to Jehovah to protect my loved ones and to have mercy on her. I accepted the finality of the situation. She slightly let her grip go, enough for me to speak, barely, but not enough for me to get free and damn sure still lethal, albeit slowly. She then whispered to me "I hate you. Why? After all did you chose her. Will you die for her now?"
I didn't respond. She tightens the hold.
"Answer me Prime Minister !"
"Because of shit like this." I barely can get the words out.
She leans back and I feel my larynx crushing...slowly...and painfully..
I manage to speak into the universe "I love you sons. I am sorry" This angers her.
"You wanna die?" asks as she begins to lean back.
"NO" I whisper. I now realize her grip is again loosened some more. Now its just cracking my neck as opposed to chocking me out right quickly. However, I am getting dizzy and I am losing consciousness.
"You wanted to die for her, you won't die for me"
"No. Tell my boys I'm sorry". She now puts her full weight and strength into the hold.
"This isn't about them you self righteous bastard. This is about us. Look at what you've done to me"
The pain begins to be too much. I utter what I believe will be my last words. "This hurts. Do it or don't."
There is a pause and I believe she gets ready to do it when she lets me go.
Crying hysterically, she asks "Do you hate me?"
By now I've managed to crawl out the car, neck hurt and bruised thankful for the air.
"No. Now leave...." I gasp.
Tearful she stands over me and says "Train them not to be like you." She then disappears into the night.
I decide not to press charges, a decision most will not understand. I created that monster and I realized that I moved her into further insanity with my decisions. The truth is very second I brought her back I set myself up for this moment and I only survived it through Jehovah and a pang of consciousness.
Last Night the General had me. One more snap and this blog becomes way more popular than it is. My sons don't have a dad and her children don't have a mom.
I can not and will not vilify a hurt woman, when I know I've played a part either intentional or unintentional. I understand her mental state and should have taken certain precautions and let her go. I hope today she is seeking professional help, I hope she prayed hard. I hope she has, for her children's sake realized that there is nothing here any more and I truly hope for her she has a Better Tomorrow. As for me I've learned my lesson and it affirmed my decision was right and proper. More than I, she needs to heal and strive for that better tomorrow.
A Better Tomorrow. That's one helluva goal for me to strive for. After the last two days/nights I realize that any other goal is crazy and will undoubtedly bring me to ruin.
I can't have that. I'm better than that and its time I once again find a way to show it...one moment and day at a time
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-5-2009
1:05pm
6 comments:
I really am interested in knowing what therapist would advocate this behavior? Now, I don't have any personal experience with depression or therapy, but aren't they supposed to help and assist in ways to usher you through a trial. Instead you get a song about not getting over the problem? I am glad that through your Soror's situation you were able to view yourself and how you looked. There is nothing worse that going after something that is a lost cause. I hope you have truly learned your lesson. You have children that require your attention. Continue to look to God for guidance and strength.
@UY
Advocate what behavior? The first rule in threapy/social service/education is meet people where they are and help them climb. Perhaps she should have used the "shame" or "ridicule" method you and AP seem to advocate.
The purpose of the song I have surmissed is to let me know she's been there and is not talking theory. In fact that is why I am so comfortable with her. She advocates I take my time, slowly heal and deal with all emotions.
Losing cause? That is truly dependant on the POV. Some would argue the mission of Black Studies/Black liberation is a lost cause...I would not.
How I looked? I didnt say I looked like that I posed a question. :-)
It's funny though that folks still pick and chose what they want...and Ishamaria/Elkketia is correct: No matter what I write about somehow they will only focus on the parts where I talk bout Black Butterfly. Damn the fact I was almost killed...what I say bout her is important.
Pure. comedy.
Pure...
TLT
There is a disturbing thread running through all of your pain and these crazy chicks. I hope to God that you were able to listen to that Angel of yours and figure it out. Somethings, no matter how good they feel at the moment, are no good for you.
As for you being assaulted in your own car -- it was not that you were wrong for seeking closure that led to that assault. It's that you let your guard down and became prey as you allowed yourself to succumb to that drank. You owe yourself so much more than that. You owe your sons so much more than that.
You are right, Mr. Thomas, there are angels waiting for you. Some of those angels are waiting for you in the beyond, praying that you do right by yourself so that they don't see you too soon. Some of those angels are here in your midst, waiting for you to figure it out, to realize that you are built for the road ahead, to see the beauty in yourself. We're praying that your better tomorrow brings a better you.
But wouldn't it be better if you were given a song or passage, or pamphlet or whatever about the rebuilding of self worth and encourgement on how to OVERCOME said situaition? I have read your anonymous poster's comments and I can see their POV. While it truly is not my intent to ridicule or shame anyone, I do think however, the a level of sterness and tough love is in order. I stand in agreement with you about professionals meeting you in your current state, however I just can't get over (no pun intended) the fact that she would use a love song that would probably add to the sadness. I'm that's like a person going to AA meetings and having the therapist take them out for a drink.
I mean really your biggest encourager is you afterall. And if you are not ready or even not willling to sincerely address your own issues, there really isn't any amount of therapy that can help.
@UY.
Here's the ticket tho...I never said in what context. I mean its my therapy session for Christ sakes. I trust this sister a great deal. All I said was that she told me of a song and I used it.
This is why it's assumed your goal isn't necessary to contribute to the academic discourse this wonderful piece of work oft times kicks off but to ridicule and clown. I mean I put a paragraph and a half about me and Black Butterfly and talked about a ton of other stuff and you zoooooomed right in on that. It does make you look like one of the burned ones who are more than eager to dance on the grave of my relationship....
Lastly, I think this post was about healing and moving forward..with an underlying theme of redemption. It was about consequences and the challenges of building a better tomorrow. Where was it written that I didn't want or will move forward
:D
TLT
This T is very excellent. While I understood what I needed to do was for me, I never realized what my journey meant to me. I thank you for this T. You're the upstanding dude, given time the right person will see that. Given time
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