So you been on fast train, and it's gone off the rails"
~Fast Train by Solomon Burke
This month I celebrated my 38th birthday. Like countless birthdays before it, I am celebrating the revolution and rotation in the aftermath of a crisis, specifically losing my gig at Philander Smith College and having to reverse relocate back to Chicago. While my birthday itself was fabulous, the rest of this season has left me lacking words. I just know that I am wounded, hurt, and embarrassed.
Yet at the same time I don't understand these feelings. Surely I have overcome so much and beaten odds worse than this. In fact in my entire life I have only failed to "answer the bell" once, and that was the heartbreak courtesy of the Gypsy Soror (that lead me running to Christ). I survived two parents death, I have been fired before, and I have been on the bench before. So why is this current situation thisclose to making me tap out? What the hell is wrong with me that I am in a funk and depression over a relatively light situation?
Is it because I fell like a total failure? I never expected to return to Chicago with everything reset to zero. I always expected to return at the top. I cried for years to get to the big dance and when I did, after two years I wash out? What is going through the mind of my natural and adopted children? My peers? My enemies? I am afraid to know. I won't discuss this with my heirs and I haven't reached out seriously to any of my PSC babies. I worry how I look in their eyes.
I am struggling with the notion of pride. My sons and I are in need yet I won't ask for help. Serious help. I can bs ask for stuff on Facebook all day, but real stuff I just can't. Men don't ask for help right? We solider through. We press. All we got is our word, our rep, and our pride. Yet the Bible teaches pride is a bad thing. God hates the proud. I am confused by this. Can I ask for others hand and it not be tossed back in my face? My manhood and competency questioned? What lesson is this for the boys? I don't know.
I am struggling with anger. Yeah I made some mistakes, naturally and spiritually, but did you have to reset it back to zero Lord? What did I do to have to return to a place I ran from, and return broken and defeated no less? I know I thought about moving back at one point but I could have sworn you said no. So why bring me back now? Like this? Clearly I missed a lesson so what is it? I get my calling isn't on that front of struggle anymore. I know what you want me to do with my gift and talents. But how can I do it now?
I swear this must be how Barksdale felt in season 3 of The Wire. Or more historically this gotta be how Liu Bei felt as he laid depressed and dying at Bai Castle after the battle of Yi Ling. How can one be so close yet so far from the title? Man this stuff can wreck faith and that's the one thing I can't afford to lose as it will undoubtedly lead to the sickness unto death. But I swear if this was The Wire...the montage from season 3 would totally fit my mood (Solomon Burke's "Fast Train").
I get as long as I am alive I have another day to do it right. I get the story isn't finished. I get something greater later and all that, but right now I am so disconnected it aint funny. I have no clue where to start and can't get enough quiet time to think. I need to figure this thing out because my familia, my friends, and my heirs are watching. My testimony is on trial here. Yeah in the natural and in the spiritual streets are watching. I just gotta figure out where to start because as of this writing I am at zero on all levels and descending rapidly.
I guess I can start here:
Thank you God for another year. Thank you for my heirs and heiress. Thank you for my PSC babies. Thank you for my network. Thank you for people who love me. Thank you for an awesome first six months. Thank you for giving me a blessed and special birthday. Just thank you. I love you. I am yours.
Giving honor to my creator, who is forever praised amen,
In truth and transparency
Already
TLT
8-25-2013
8:15pm
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