Revolutions and Rotations: Starting Back at One

So you been on fast train, and it's gone off the rails" 

~Fast Train by Solomon Burke

This month I celebrated my 38th birthday. Like countless birthdays before it, I am celebrating the revolution and rotation in the aftermath of a crisis, specifically losing my gig at Philander Smith College and having to reverse relocate back to Chicago. While my birthday itself was fabulous, the rest of this season has left me lacking words. I just know that  I am wounded, hurt, and embarrassed.

 Yet at the same time I don't understand these feelings. Surely I have overcome so much and beaten odds worse than this. In fact in my entire life I have only failed to "answer the bell" once, and that was the heartbreak courtesy of the Gypsy Soror (that lead me running to Christ). I survived two parents death,  I have been fired before, and I have been on the bench before. So why is this current situation thisclose to making me tap out? What the hell is wrong with me that I am in a funk and depression over a relatively light situation?

Is it because I fell like a total failure? I never expected to return to Chicago with everything reset to zero. I always expected to return at the top. I cried for years to get to the big dance and when I did, after two years I wash out? What is going through the mind of my natural and adopted children? My peers? My enemies? I am afraid to know. I won't discuss this with my heirs and I haven't reached out seriously to any of my PSC babies. I worry how I look in their eyes.

I am struggling with the notion of pride. My sons and I are in need yet I won't ask for help. Serious help. I can bs ask for stuff on Facebook all day, but real stuff I just can't. Men don't ask for help right? We solider through. We press. All we got is our word, our rep, and our pride. Yet the Bible teaches pride is a bad thing. God hates the proud. I am confused by this. Can I ask for others hand and it not be tossed back in my face? My manhood and competency questioned? What lesson is this for the boys? I don't know.

I am struggling with anger. Yeah I made some mistakes, naturally and spiritually, but did you have to reset it back to zero Lord? What did I do to have to return to a place I ran from, and return broken and defeated no less? I know I thought about moving back at one point but I could have sworn you said no. So why bring me back now? Like this? Clearly I missed a lesson so what is it?  I get my calling isn't on that front of struggle anymore. I know what you want me to do with my gift and talents. But how can I do it now? 

I swear this must be how Barksdale felt in season 3 of The Wire. Or more historically this gotta be how Liu Bei felt as he laid depressed and dying at Bai Castle after the battle of Yi Ling. How can one be so close yet so far from the title? Man this stuff can wreck faith and that's the one thing I can't afford to lose as it will undoubtedly lead to the sickness unto death. But I swear if this was The Wire...the montage from season 3 would totally fit my mood (Solomon Burke's "Fast Train").  

I get as long as I am alive I have another day to do it right. I get the story isn't finished. I get something greater later and all that, but right now I am so disconnected it aint funny. I have no clue where to start and can't get enough quiet time to think. I need to figure this thing out because my familia, my friends, and my heirs are watching. My testimony is on trial here. Yeah in the natural and in the spiritual streets are watching. I just gotta figure out where to start because as of this writing I am at zero on all levels and descending rapidly. 

I guess I can start here:

Thank you God for another year. Thank you for my heirs and heiress. Thank you for my PSC babies. Thank you for my network.  Thank you for people who love me. Thank you for an awesome first six months. Thank you for giving me a blessed and special birthday. Just thank you. I love you. I am yours. 

Giving honor to my creator, who is forever praised amen,

In truth and transparency 

Already

TLT

8-25-2013

8:15pm 

Towards a More Perfect Union: Still Rethinking Black Love

"You are a beautiful as Tirzah my darling,
as lovely as Jerusalem,
as majestic as troops with banners.
Turn your eyes from me;
they overwhelm me"~
Song of Solomon 6:4-5(Songs) TNIV

I have no clue as to what it is about the weather turning nice that is so toxic to Black relationships. Perhaps it is the alluring effect of the summer wind blowing freely that touches our primal side making us want to run wild and act like beasts in heat. Or maybe it's the plethora of half dressed chicks and men in body shirts that leave nothing to the imagination and get the blood flowing. What is it that makes us want to drop our "Winter Mami/Papi" and go play for the summer like a fall TV show on hiatus? Perhaps mofo's are tired of being cooped up; just like the old settlers they can finally leave their log cabin of after a long winter of relationships. When the snow melts and they get that desire to go out and explore the world (simple translation: they just tired of you).

I confess I don't have answers to these queries. I guess I am raising them in my never ending (self) dialog on Black love; I am also moved by a number of my friends who seem to be going through these motions at the moment. A few of my guys are ready to dump their girls, several of homie girls are ready to sign them papers, if they haven't out right signed them. It's maddening, especially when I've become the de facto relationship advice go to guy.

*pause*
I would be remiss and intellectually dishonest if I didn't point out that my last few runs crashed and burned and thus I am at a lost as to why they would come to me for help. I reckon I'm good at saving other folks stuff but not myself; or maybe even better I didn't (at the time) have the full set of necessary skills to save/fix/work through my dynamics.
*play*

I have explored Black love a few times in this space among various concepts: political, motivational, and the bluntly crude. However, I have never explored Black Love from a spiritual stand point. I will attempt to do that now.

As I grow in my spiritual walk, I am learning to put God and his righteous laws first; it does not matter what the area is, I need to make sure I use biblical application and spiritual discernment. The Apostle Paul writes in 2 Timothy 3:16-17: "All Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness, that the man of God may be fully competent, completely equipped for every good work (NWT). Thus, using the Scriptures, I decided to find a concise definition of love to frame my argument and naturally that lead me to the definition of love that is outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Here the Apostle Paul is very clear in what makes up the emotions and actions of love: patience, kindness, rejoices in the truth, always protecting, trusting, hoping, and persevering; at the same time he is very clear on what emotions and actions are NOT a part of love: pride, dishonor, self seeking, easily angered, envy, or keeping a record of the evil done. Further in verse eight of the same chapter he reminds us that "love never fails" and in verse thirteen we are told that "the greatest of these (faith, hope and love) is love.

Thus with a firm definition of love in place, the first logical question that Black Love (or those of you bless to be in a relationship based on Black Love) must ask is this: "Does the relationship we have and profess to have operate within the spiritual definition of love? As much as it depends on you (us) are we adhering to the Apostle's wise counsel? Is the dynamic full of trust, kindness, patience, hope, and truth (just to name a few) or is it full of the opposite: anger, selfishness, envy, pettiness, and dishonor? Black Love is like a flower seeking to bloom, and it will thrive off of the former, but will surely die off the latter. If your dynamic does not have the qualities of true love what can be done to infuse or inculcate them into your dynamic? Answering this essential question can be a major help in deciding if what you have is worth saving or fighting for.

Now that we have a spiritual definition of love to use, and we have spiritual examples of how love feels and acts, the next logical step in this formula is understand how our overall thinking effects how we operate with in Black Love. In doing this there are two things that immediately come to mind: what thoughts occupy our mental space and what words come out of our mouth.

In dealing with what occupy our thoughts the most important question to ask is "Are my thoughts where they need to be?" or "Am I thinking about another when I should be thinking about he or she?" It's damn near impossible to have productive Black love if your time is engaging in thoughts of another. I am reminded of the wise counsel our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, offers at Matthew 5:28. Jesus says here: "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart" While Jesus uses a married man's thought as an example his message here is clear: "You think it, you've done it." He didn't mince words or play around in hyperbole. Honestly, and I've been on both sides of this coin, how long do you think one can harbor all kinds of inappropriate thoughts before it effects their relationship. Jesus here wanted us to truly understand the wisdom found at Proverbs 23:7 "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. (KJV)" You can not continue to eat and drink the images, affections and thoughts of another and still keep your mind and spirit with the person you have offered a commitment too. It is only a matter of time before, as Jesus so wonderfully put it, that you are faced with the realization that "no man can serve two masters (Luke 16:13 TNIV)."

Please don't think I am acting holier than thou. That is not my intent. I will state it again for the record: I know this to be true not only because the Bible tells me it is true, but because I have been on both sides of this coin. Believe me when I tell you I know firsthand that as long as you harbor these thoughts, you will try to serve two masters; most importantly it will be only a matter of time before you are confronted in the reality about those naughty desires laid out in James 1:15 "after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." Like the above counsel on adultery, we can apply this to relationships: death in this context is the death our our relationship (and honestly our spiritual well being).

In speaking on the book James, he has offers sound advice for part two of our thought equation. Here James exhorts us to mind our tongue. James advises us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because our anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires" (James 1:19-20 TNIV). With this scripture in mind, is our (yours or mine) version of Black Love filled with all kinds of language and words that bring forth anger and wrath? Do the words we speak reflect love or are there nothing but hurt feelings, pain and suffering. Is the dynamic one of "you so and so" today then tomorrow "I love you? " Such behaviors can not feed love. Words hurt. Words remain. Words once spoken can never be taken back. I would argue most of the demise starts here: a painful word, leads to a wandering mind and then the definition and framework of love gets ignored or removed. Real talk we need to watch what we say; "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" is written in the bible for a reason. Honestly, if we can't watch what we say to our loved ones, which is really easy and simple, then we can't be expected to, and will not do, the really hard things.

The last thing that should be a staple of Black love, using the spiritual paradigm, is regardless if we actually "see" it or not it (Black Love) should be felt, it should be obvious from the things around us, in the same essence that the Creator's (who is forever praised Amen) love engulfs us. I am reminded of the words Paul writes in Romans 1:19-20 where he speaks about how although we have never "seen" God, his invisible qualities "have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made." In essence Paul is saying even though you can't touch it, you know its there from the things you see around you, from the presence it has on your life and how it makes you feel. Should not Black Love be the same thing? If you and your mate don't say a word all afternoon, shouldn't you be able to sit under that person and feel their warmth and love? If you and that person just wake up in the morning and share a glance, should the love not be evident? Even though you can't see a thing doesn't mean you can't see a thing ya know? Does the love you have subscribe to this scriptural message or do you have to struggle to find the energy, find the reason, find something to even apply the above principles, let alone live within the definition outlined in 1 Corinthians. If not then you really need to sit down, take this matter to God in prayer and see if your dynamic can be should saved.

I think I'm stop here. I don't want the blog to be overly preachy. I mean I could talk about the advise Solomon offers in Ecclesiastes or how couples should treat each other in Ephesians but I won't. I will offer and suggest you read those scriptures for yourself to get some understanding in how Black love can truly be saved and not be given just another quick fix transfusion. Like all other areas in our life, if we don't take Black Love to its spiritual and scriptural essence it will die.

I am sure some of you all who are reading this will probably dismiss it as another one of TLT rants or even hide behind the wonderfully flawed post modern notion of "you're single till you're married (I stole this from someone)" or as a frat brother of mine used to say "job applications don't ask if you have a girl. They asked are you married." I implore to rethink this foolishness. Such a position is dangerously post mod and logically unsound. Let me correct a fallacy right here and now: "practice doesn't make perfect." What makes perfect is "Perfect practice" The bad habits and erroneous thinking you have now you will take into your relationship and one day into your marriage and it WILL KILL IT. DEAD.

Before I end this, I want to encourage you all to read Solomon's "Song of Songs." While thinking about my aforementioned friends and their relationship woes, I feel asleep listening to the version recorded on "The Bible Experience" and I can tell you that was Black Love at its finest. I suggest finding "The Bible Experience" or reading the "Song of Songs (TNIV version is the best)" to really see what it means to have a spiritualyl productive love. It motivated me to write a blog.

What will in motivate you to do?

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5/12/2010
8:51PM

The Duel of Fates: Egos and Super Egos

"A House Divided Against itself can not stand"~President Abraham Lincoln

I was eating alone in the bar the other night when I noticed two brothers sitting behind me one eating coffee and the other drinking vodka. They seemed to be engaged in a most heated conversation I had a chance to overhear...

"You don't look well. What's wrong"

"I'm just frustrated that's all. This shit got me sad, angry and annoyed all at once."

"I understand. But what's done is done. We cant chance the past"

"No but we can be granted a chance at redemption."

"Redemption isn't a right, as the old adage goes, it's a privilege."

"That's bullshit and you know it. Everybody has a right to redeem themselves!"

"Redemption comes from within. Outside acknowledgment isn't a prerequisite."

"So why then do we seek it from Jehovah?"

"I would hardly call the the creator of worlds an outside acknowledgment. I mean God is in you is he not?"

"You and that intellectual coyness. I hate that shit."

"But I am right."

The twin drinking vodka drinks it down in one gulp. He motions to the waitress. She comes over.

"Bring me another, and this time I'd like vodka with my cranberry juice please"

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Nope. There is never enough."

"Isn't that the attitude that got us here?"

"Nope it's that over analytical mind. Had you just spoke up in the beginning"

"It wasn't time."

"Man go on with that mess"

The waitress brings over the vodka...which has a pink hue and some more coffee. The mellow brother thanks her and continues on....

"For the record, it was your emotional outburst that got us here, and for the record it was the old outburst of old that was used as a character reference."

"And it was that insane moral code of yours that told you to reactivate that nut which killed the rest of the credibility."

"A moral code you SHARE by the way. But I'll eat that. Sometimes I do shit when that is morally praise worthy but not morally obligatory"

"Heh. You mean you do extra shit to feel good about yourself at night."

The vodka drinker takes a drink and then lowers his head......

"What is to be done brother?"

"Nothing."

"Don't tell me knowing. You're the smartest guy I know"

"Which is why I said nothing. I've crunched the numbers and ran the plots. We've got to accept this fate"

The the vodka drinker looks up with tears in his eyes and on his face....

"Rule 99"

The other brother shakes his head

"Stay on her mind. If it was only that simple now....I'm mean I'm sure..."

"Why cant it be that simple sir?"

"Let me finish. I'm sure we stay on her mind. She's lying if she says otherwise and you're delusional if we believe that lie. The issue is not on us per se, but on her to look from a different lens."

"Man you talk to much. Seriously. Does she think on it or not."

"I do believe I answered it."

The brother again takes his vodka to the head and suddenly jumps up....

"Fuck this. I'm going to go call her, go over there something..."

The other brother stands up to intercept him. He puts his hand on his chest

"I can not allow you to do this. It was ill advised action like this that put the whole series of events into motion. You do this..."

"Get your hands offa me...."

"You do this and it gets worse. Please. Listen."

The angry brother pushes the calmer one's hand away and sits down...

"You're full of shit"

"No you're drunk and emotional. I need for you to listen. Look we've been fighting each other for almost 6 months. Countries can't withstand a 6 month civil war. Do you think we can? A house divided can not stand. Seriously. It's not a matter of you being right or me being right. It's a matter of what's right. Brother, what's right is for us to accept this. Together we can do what we want. That is what got us to the dance. That perfect blend. But we started fighting over methodology, intellect vs emotion, smooth vs cool. All the shit that didn't matter. We both are the best and we both should have worked together. The minute we started fighting we got depressed and both of us made mistakes. Now it's not our time. I need your skills in other areas. I know it hurts. I'm lonely too. I'm sad too. I feel the injustice too. But I fight through that shit. Right now though, I want to stop fighting with my other half okay?"

The other brother nods in agreement. The rational words seem to have soothed his anger and sadness...

"You're right. It's not fair. There is no justice. I am angry. I am lonely. But I can't force my way it...that would make me like "her." So OK I'll chill...So what's next for us?"

The other brother smiles, beginnings to speak but his words are inaudible. I can't hear him. Wiping their tears away the brothers embrace, pay for the check and leave...

"Sir are you ready to order?"

I look up and the waitress is staring at me.

"I think so."

She chuckles kinda nervously. "I thought you were one of those drunk guys that come in here and fall asleep. I ready to call the police."

I look at my phone and I had been at the table almost 25 minutes with just the coffee and bread on my table. Embarrassed I immediately apologize.

"I am so sorry. I am ready to order. I just got lost in my thoughts".

The waitress smiles. "You looked like you were lost in your thoughts. Whatever it is, I hope you work it out."

"If only it were that simple."

"It is that simple. Do you pray?"

"Sometimes and other times I try"

"Then you need to try harder. Whatever it is that's eating you is killing you. And that pisses the lord off. I ain't gonna preach, but I'll pray for you. Now what you gone eat...."

I smile and order....and remember to pray when my food arrives.

This Duel of Fates has reached its climax....and soon the end.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

9-6-2009

11:30pm

The Sun Of The Mourning Pt.3: Altered Deals and Saving Grace

"Man I gotta get my soul right"~ Jay Z

It's 69 degrees and the wind is blowing perfectly from the east. Each slight breeze is a gentle massage on my skin. Anybody who knows me knows I love weather like this; the perfect 69 degrees reminds me of Nashville and when time was simpler and with a small pang of guilt life in the B.C. era.

I stood in the park enjoying the late night breeze, mediating on the weeks events; completing the meaning and struggling to find balance. Of course this moment towards balance was complicated by the swigs of Effen Black Cherry I was taking. Still the slight buzz and breeze continued to take over my body and relax my tight muscles. I was able to see the world, without time, and attempt to make sense out of my life.

As I stood there humming the lyrics to People Get Ready by Curtis Mayfield, the breeze that had so relaxed me stopped; in its place a gust of heat that seemed to turn this quiet night into a 99 degree day. Without missing a sip I turned and saw him walking towards me, each step a perfect stride, sporting a cream polo, blazer and jeans, and hair faded to the 9's. Par the course, he was the perfect mirror image to my current ragged state. I took another swig of vodka and tried to, as humanly possible, prepare myself for tonight's encounter.

"Good Evening Mr. Thomas" he said in an all to familiar voice, her voice, each step pronounced by the sounds of his feet hitting the pavement.

I don't speak. I take another swig of vodka.

He walks right up and stands next to me.

"The camp of a defeated army. Boy I never get tired of this scene. It's something poetically funny about seeing the hopes and dreams of people so determined smashed into bits don't you agree?"

I still don't respond. Instead I take another sip.

He points at the flask and laughs. "No Seagram's Apple tonight? Man a nigga get a job and now he wanna buy Effen, bougie muthafucka".

I still don't respond.

"Guess who I saw tonight? Heh she was looking good. Smelled good too. He got to be hitting that good and raw. I wonder if he stares with the same intensity..."

He is cut off by my sloppy swing. The first one grazes him, but the second is easily deflected as he blocks my arm and kicks my left leg out.

"Liquid Courage has been the downfall of many men. Don't let it be yours. Now pick yourself up. Somebody walks by and they'll see a drunk man in the grass." He extends his hand to help me up. "Let's play nice tonight Mr. Thomas." Every time he fucking says that I wanna scream but I don't let it show on my face.

Shaking off his punch and struggling for breath I finally speak to him.

"You're interrupting my meditations" I say as I finally take his hand and come to my feet.

"Meditations? Who? You? LOL. Ha Com.e.dy. Mr. Thomas you don't mediate. You brood. If you truly were meditating you would have discerned the answer by now."

"I'm so not in the mood for you."

"Why is that? You deal with strangers on your blog. What makes me different. At least you can see me."

"Can we get to the point? Does my "test" start now?

He laughs and it is a deep soul moving laugh. "No, I've changed my mind. No test for you."

"Interesting and why is that?"

"Simply you're not broken enough. I need you a lil more dilapidated than this."

I make a face and look at him "It doesn't get worse than this."

"Man, you don't know how bad it's going to get".

I walk right up to his face and tell him "Fuck you."

"Oh you mean like..." his words drift off. "You ALWAYS set yourself up for that."

"I heard you're a liar" and I turn and walk away.

He chuckles. "Stop talking to baptists. They'll steer you always steer you wrong."

He is beside me again, moving as if he teleported.

"Look Mr. Thomas, I got a deal for you. A better deal. Even you wont be able to say no to this one".

Sighing frustratedly and in a mocking tone I respond "Do an act of worship to me and all the kingdoms will be mine right?" For the first time in any of our encounters I laugh at HIM. I turn to keep walking.

His face gives away his annoyance. "Even better."

I keep walking.

"What could a man do with a 72 hr advance notice? Better yet Mr. Thomas what would you DO with a 72 hr advance notice" he asks curiously.

My stride slows and then stops. I turn around to face him. I am now feeling the full effects of the vodka and the world is blurry and unstable. The only thing I can see clearly is him.

"I could do miracles and prevent disasters with that kind of head start"

He pulls out his golden apple and takes a bite.

"I know. 72 hrs. That's a big lead"

My feet begin to move and I don't know why; he was away but now in this blurry world he's the only thing that is clear, close and not moving in circles.

"So what are you saying?" I ask my voice no longer strong, the whine I've come to hate returning...

"I am saying to give me what I want and when you wake up it will be April 2nd."

"2009?"

"Yes April 1st 2009. And the only trick will be you will know what is gonna happen...up until April 5. I'm offering you a reboot, a do over, and a cheat sheet"

I try to swallow and the lump in my throat hurts. I take a swig of vodka and there is no more. Did he just offer me a do over? A chance to prevent it all? I pull out BH2, hoping for a sign. My phone is dead.

Smirking he says "Oh I turned that off. I don't want us to be interrupted. What were you looking for Mr. Thomas? A sign? From him? You've done it his way. And what did you get? What have you gotten? Some other man fucking your wife? Ridicule? I'm offering you a fucking do over and you're standing there looking dofus like. Take the fucking deal Terrance. He tilts his head. If not for you do it for the boys." As he finishes his smirk turns into a full smile.

I feel the tears flowing from my eyes, I feel the hurt inside and I feel it all overwhelming me. My chest wants to explode, my head hurts and my right hand is extending.

I do what until that moment is unthinkable. I give him my right hand. I take the apple from him.

He takes my hand and it burns as I grasp his. The pain is a necessary side effect "No tricks?" I ask.

"None. When you open your eyes it will be April 2nd and you'll have all the knowledge you need."

I nod.

"Now you need to kneel".

I feel my legs giving out and my body going heavy. This is wrong, but right, its necessary. I've done it right and got nothing. Why not try him I reason?

Suddenly he turns and looks. His face blazing with anger. He lets my hand go and I notice he expression isn't anger but fear. Something has made afraid.

"We finish this later."

And then he is gone....

I stand in the park unsure of how to feel. He had me. He won. Why did he let me go. What MADE him let me go.

I decide its finally time to go home. I'm standing in the middle of a park on 79th drunk and that is a sure "get your ass locked up" combination.

I stumble across to the bus stop and there is an elderly sister I assume is one of the many hobo's riding the 79th street bus at 3am. I speak politely so she won't think I'm a threat and mess around and mace me or something, thereby making my crazy night worse.

"Good evening ma'am"

She smiles and speaks in a peaceful almost southern tone

"Hi baby." As if she's studying me, she asks "you OK? its to late for you to be out. Your wife is gonna be mad if something happens to you. Ain't nothing out this late but trouble"

"I don't have a wife, not any more at least" I say. Then I add "I'm already in trouble"

She nods "Yeah that's why I screamed for that man you was fighting and arguing with to leave you alone. He looked like he was gonna hurt you"

Now my face is puzzled. "What man?" I ask trying to be coy

"That evil man over there. Had I not said something he surely was gonna hurt you."

Suddenly my buzz is gone. Now I am wondering if ......

She walks up and touches my face. "Mr. Thomas, Mr. Thomas I know this is hard. I know this hurts but it is going to be better. You're not forgotten, disliked, hated and you ARE LOVED and thought about. Do not believe his lies.

She turns and begins to walk away. "Your soul depends on you remembering this. Baby the Duel of Fates is real"

I stand there stunned and in amazement. "Thank you" I say now tearful again.

She smiles. "You're welcome baby. One more thing. Have you discerned how he gets to you? Have you figured out what gives him the in path?"

"Thinking about her?"

"No. Your thoughts are love. He uses that as the red herring. When you discern how he gets to you, then you'll stop leaving him that opening."

She walks away and I lose her in the darkness....

Suddenly my phone buzzes and I get a text message. It's an old message but now it's in my new file.

"Mr. Thomas only Jehovah truly knows."

I shake my head when I realize that I was saved by an angel. I was about to yield and I was had to be saved.

That doesn't make me feel to good.

I go home and go to bed. I hold my young son as I try to make sense of tonight's events and how I was about to, had given in only to be saved. This will fuck with me for a while...this situation will fuck with me for a while. Man I gotta get my soul right...before I mess up my WHOLE life.

I need to figure out his in....

And prepare for the next encounter

The Duel of Fates Rages on.........

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-1-2009
5:30am

The Duel of Fates: On Thy Honor

"All you have is your word and your reputation, with it you have an open line....without it you are finished." ~Brother Mouzone.

In her excellent advice for the next man after our breakup, the legendary Soror/Sage Nickjack wrote a piece (which she lent to me a few years later) called "The Lament." In this great piece she offers advice for the next man based on the problems/solutions/quirks we had that lead to our demise. Even though I was the root cause of some of these new rules, I respected them and vowed I would use them in my next serious relationship. As we all know that would occur two years later when I got with my(the) Queen.

Trying to finally get past, as humanly possible the L.S.C. I decide to utilize rule #15 of the Lament, not in an effort to hurt; in fact I started my questions of with the statements I didn't know and my feelings my be wrong. I stressed my questions and what I thought wasn't the gospel.

Indeed the bible says keep knocking and asking and I did. She answered the ultimate question , and it, as I suspected, is one that I may not be able to repair be able to repair with a lot of work, honor and blessings from Jehovah. What is the issue?

The issue at hand is one of integrity.

My integrity. I live and die by it. This is NOT to say I am perfect; I have played political games in my life to advance my agenda or the common good as I saw it. In my younger days I had no qualms about playing both sides against the middle to achieve my end. Yet even when playing my master's of the universe games I would caution the people around me to mind their surroundings and check all sources. Rarely, if ever, did I just do some ruthless shit without some kind of advance notice.

But those were my younger days; in my adult years I speak truth to power, I tell you where I stand and what's up (even if the other party ignores or opts to hear only the comfortable parts); I also let you know that I, in the words of Nickjack, reserve the right to change my mind should the situation warrant it. I have even asked my loved ones to call me out on my behavior should I fall back into old behavior, not out of malice, but out of habits and inculcation.

So when I read her email I truly was taken back to emotional point one, because that was the LAST thing I expected to read. As I read her words, as the tears of frustration flowed from my eyes I could only think "What have I done to give her this impression?"

It's not like I haven't been called a "fake" before; but generally that label was thrown as a guilt trip by women upset I didn't fall for their machinations or reversed myself on where I felt they should be in my life. So in fairness I have heard "Terrance you mislead me" and my typical response is to ask them to show where I made such a promise, in context, and if it was said did they get the memo retracting or correcting such a position. Generally this will end the conversation.

But to read these words from her was like wow. There was a lot more to the email, but in essence I was told I was a phony, a fake, and somebody who misrepresented myself.

I have thought about this for the past couple of days and I was shock. Had I compromised myself so much that I had lost the respect of my loved ones? Was the snarky "anonymous" poster right? This bothered me deeply, I heard and received her hurt and disappointment but still, I had to really pray on this matter. As always Jehovah sent the answer in the form of a Black Studies quote: "The village knows the truth."

I decided I would ask a couple of villagers who served with me on the front lines of the years; who both were active participants during the L.S.C. and casual observers, but with top secret access. I asked these four people willing to accept their voice as a guide post in this matter. Perhaps they saw the same thing she saw, perhaps not. While I have my own take I do believe the community has a voice and insight.

The first elder of my village I asked was Mr. President, my best friend of 20 plus years was I a fake and a phony. When I posed the question he laughed hard, he barely get his response out. He was fair. He was balanced. Am I an ass? Yes. Can I be moody? Yes. Can I be an insecure and at times petty man? Absolutely. But phony would never be a word associated with me. He also went on to say that even with my character flaws there is no other dude he would have on the front lines with him. He also went on to say that part of the problem was serve lack of "over standing". Neither of us, in his opinion really stepped back and gave the other the benefit of the doubt. We expected too much in six months, rather we didn't expect a storm, let alone one of that magnitude to hit. I did somethings in confusion and hurt; she probably did too but at the end of the day the question he raised (and I believe is central) is and should be "do we still love each other and is it worth the fight."

The next village elder I questioned was the mother of my children aka "Babymama." Again I posed the question with a different variance "Did my actions during LSC and afterward leave you with the idea I was phony?" Her face was one for the record books. I would like to point out the Babymama is my harshest rudest critic, someone who really has no qualms in letting me know I suck daily. So her response probably carried more weight than anybody else. She argued along the lines of Mr. President, but also added that a desperate man does desperate things. She pointed out that once that moment passed, she knew the same ole firm stern ass would return. She also added like Mr. President that the assessment offered wasn't fair; it was made without accurate information. If I was phony she pointed out I wouldn't still be loving her (the) Queen, if I was phony I wouldn't be trying to repair the friendships and the problems. She also argued that NOBODY in their right mind reveals all so early in a dynamic and that some things gotta be learned over time. Babymama articulated that my initial presentation is so flawless, that most people take that to be the whole of the man, yet when I am hit with a depression or a challenge and they see the other side of me they might not understand or know how to respond. She pointed out that's/this when you seek information, talk to other loved ones and accept the people we love are multidimensional. She even complimented me; in a snarky way she pointed out even at my worst, I wasn't a phony.

The third elder I asked was my younger Brother Zhang Fei. When I posed the question to him his response was quite blunt "What idiot asked that question?" I told him it wasn't an "idiot" and shared with him the concerns brought to my attention. He nodded and said "you've been fickle, can be fickle. You're a young Mr. Burns. But like him you're not phony." But he ALSO was balanced and pointed out her anger in reactivating Wei Yan, for whatever reason, was justified, he let me know that whether anybody admitted it or not it made me at best look dizzy and at worst very suspect. He let me know that as long as she remained active, no matter how much she "did" or "how much she claims she loves you" that I would forever suffer a credibility problem. He also affirmed though that this assessment was made in error and wondered what factors keep her from truly seeing the truth.

The last person I asked was my good friend Ishamariablanca, who over the past 3 years I have shared some of my deepest thoughts and strongest fear with. In fact, although she was one of the ones I kinda dissed for (the) Queen her response has been dignified and respectful; she never once challenged the throne nor spoke evil of it. She has been very honest in her praise and blunt in her critique of how we both handled the L.S.C. In effect she pointed out that I have (at least that was the goal) tried to find answers, solutions, and evolve during the L.S.C. She stated that if any questions as to how I felt or my motivations can be found in right here in Straight, No Chaser, a real time journal of this period. She pointed out that acted in ways that where morally complex and praise worthy, these same actions were not morally obligatory. Since I wasn't obligated to do certain things, but did because I felt it was the honorable thing to do, my intentions where misread or just plain vilified. From her POV I was a depressed, heartbroken, confused, pussywhupped dude searching for answers, and I shouldn't be penalized for trying everything to keep the woman I love and kingdom we were building from ruin, as long as I wasnt lying, killing, stealing, and other sorts of felonies. She affired to most people, that is not the sign of a phony man, but one who truly was willing to do whatever to make that which he believes in succedd. Like the other three she let it be known that as honorable as it was to grant Wei Yan a file review, my name, reputation, and integrity would always be questioned not because she is a bad person, on the contrary, but rather we did so much evil shit to each other only a sadist would continue in such a mannerof friendship. Since sadist isn't another word associated with me she suggested (like all the rest) I terminate that friendship permanently.

I reflected on each off these comments; not that they re-created my self notions, but rather re-affirmed them. I have said it ad nausea, but the L.S.C. was a defining moment, was a soul breaking moment and I was struggling for answers. But as I stated in the first entry on my depression, this blog has been a real time documentation. I wanted to keep those emotions locked into time and I did just that. I have shared my self reflections. I spoke of my doubt. I spoke of my fear. (Imagine a man with no fear now faced with it.) I spoke on my confusion. I spoke on my rolling emotions. I spoke on why I reactivated Wei Yan, even if the end result was problematic and even if I was gonna get hella bad press. In that same piece I acknowledged I wasn't consistent (in the first sentence mind you). I explained my erratic emotional let downs and where do I go from here. As Ishamariablanca pointed out this blog has been an emotional road map and you can walk away with many thoughts regarding it, but one thing you can not say in truth, honesty, and good conscious is that it is phony, fake, or full of lies. Even if my verbal answers were/are long winded and confusing, my writing is clear. This bible of Terrance (even when I am taking creative liberties) is the truth. It may not be my emotions or feelings today but you have without a doubt answers to what I was feeling or thought in historical context.

It hurts me to no end to know she thinks I was a "faker". It really does kill me. What we had wasn't fake. It was real. It was the best. It was hit by an unexpected perfect storm of doubt, depression, fear, and b.s.

*pause*
And my explusion from Fisk was over a botched cyber protest. None of the other b.s even mattered. FYI, the sister everbody swears I beat up came to defend me at my trial and gave me the money to get home when Fisk put my shit in garbage bags, blankets and sheets, gave me 50 dollars on a 340 dollar trip and threw me in a squad car with hand cuffs. Thank you KSW
TLT
*play*

It can be saved, repair or even rebuilt anew with patience, honesty, discernment, and a bottle of vodka. But with regrets that is not on me. The decision must be made to look at me in proper context, a man who is both a hero and villain, who can handle the best of problems and if overwhelmed with fold or if I will continued to be seen as a fake. Six months was not a LOT of time to try to discern the other's true nature; anything I didn't speak on or didn't talk about was either unimportant or forgotten. Any information and updates were given as I got them. The village can affirm this, I swear to this and Jehovah knows it to be true.

I am many things. I have been many things I will be many things. But fake isn't one of them.
A fake man wouldn't still fight almost 150 days after the fact for a concept they didn't believe is true; for a love they thought wasn't worth it.

Real talk right there

and sorry for the length

The Duel of Fates Rages on....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-20-2009
12:35am

Briefly.......

I was told by some snarky mofo readers that I have been slipping on the blogs. I'm sorry yall but honestly I ain't got much to write about, well I do but really there is only so much I wanna write about my emotional state. Maybe I'll publish the piece on the new Batman game iono.

I am also taking time to re-center quickly. I think this moment would be called a relapse, as the anger has returned and it seems we're back to not answering questions or asking to many questions or asking the wrong questions.

I don't know. I just need a moment to re-center, chill on the mountain, get the visual out of my head and get back to building my small cabin. This has been a hard week(end) indeed.

The job is still going well and I just got a new XBOX360. My sons are happy and healthy loving their new school. So emotional land mines aside things are progressing over.

Aight, I just wanted to do a quick drop in. I'll publish some more by Saturday.

I promise

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-18-2009
5:53

Prologue to a Duel

"In order to reconcile the external, we must first reconcile the internal" ~BlackThought39

In this Duel of Fates I will have to choose:

Life or Knowledge

Knowledge or Wisdom

Forgiveness or Anger

War or Peace

Acceptance or Defiance

Reality or Illusions

Past or Present

Present or Future

Happiness or Honor

Pride or Humility


I will have to reconcile:

I am a King No Longer..a banished HIT silenced and forgotten; but seeking to be remembered and heard.

I created a problem and now that problem doesn't heed my solutions.

I am both strong and emotional.

I am stupid and intelligent.

I am happy yet sad.

I am complex yet simple.

I am strong yet fearful.

There are no expectations within the expectations.


In this Duel of Fates I will:

Have to make war with a General to create peace

Shrink in order to expand

Cry in order to smile.

Kneel in order to stand

Stand Still in order to move.


In this Duel of Fates I will have to either accept Jah or the Sun.

In this Duel of Fates......

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
7-29-2009
12:06AM

The Sun of the Mourning Pt.2:Knowledge and Wisdom

"But he got a righteous cause for sinning"~ Jay Z

My hands wouldn't stop shaking as I raced home, ashamed of my actions but even more surprised that I just did the unthinkable. It was the hardest ride I've ever taken, probably harder than that lonely ride home I took on April 4th; this ride was made worse because I had violated my honor code and word. Making it home was an act of Jah, a miracle, because not only did I have to fight the urge to throw up, I also had to fight a dizziness and darkness slowly overtaking me.

I pulled up in front of my house barely able to contain the bitter vomit filling my throat and mouth. As I opened the door everything I've ever eaten came up with a fury brought on by a sense of illness only a man like me could muster at a time like this. I catch my breath for a moment and I throw up again. And again. And again; each time shaking my body and hurting my stomach and throat.

Finally I got a reprieve, and I was able to compose myself long enough to get out, lock up the car and walk to the house. I make it to the door when the vomiting spells came again and I rush to my back yard dropping to my knees. This time my throwing up spells are compounded by tears flowing from my eyes, now adding the bitter taste of salt to the bile filling my mouth. I see the reflection of myself in a small puddle of water. I can't make out the image; I just see the dark silhouette of a man who had just broke one of his own commandments and now had to add that to the laundry list of things to haunt his soul.

As I try to gain composure of my body I felt hot, I felt dizzy and then I felt the darkness embrace me and calm me. I shook my head in disbelief because I knew this feeling; I knew who this was and what he wanted and this time I was afraid I may not be strong enough to fight him off. He was coming to collect on our agreement made at our first meeting.

He walked up to me right as I started throwing up, my vomit landing on his shoes. I try to turn away but can't. Oddly enough he doesn't get angry.

"Wow. These are my favorite Tims. How you gone throw up on them?" he asks matter of factly.

"My bad. Upset stomach" I respond wiping my mouth.

"Not a problem Mr. Thomas." he answers, motioning towards his shoes and erasing the nastiness like an erase on a pencil. Somehow he manages to sound like the only person to call me what without sounding like that person. It's as if he is running his nails on a chalkboard.

"Been a while since I've seen you. Last time we meet you were here..." and he pauses...his voice caring a sense of snarky irony "in almost the same state lamenting the same problem. Wow. How is that for progress?"

"Fuck you" I say struggling to get up.

"No don't fuck me. I ain't the one you wanna fuck" he says. His voice full of arrogance and crude humor.

I look him in my eye and there he stands. A mirror image of me, wearing a Black button up shirt, dark jeans and Timberland's with the sharpest haircut I've seen ever.

He's also eating a golden apple and holding a bottle of water.

"Looks like you've lost a ton of fluids. You wanna bite?" as he extends his apple to me.

"You know I don't want that shit" I say my anger boiling.

"You sure. You could use it." he pushes it towards me. This time I slowly accept it and take a bite. "Heh. That apple has gotten so many people in trouble. Folks always wanna know."

I realize that I have taken a bite of the apple that destroyed paradise, the fruit of knowledge, a bit of spiritual irony because the acquisition of knowledge (or non acquisition) at the wrong time can destroy paradise. I spit it out.

"Such theatrics. Don't be so gay. Don't you want to know?" He asks.

"No. I don't." I say as I struggle to sit on the stairs. He walks up to me and touches my cheek.

It's a familiar touch one that gives me shivers but is so uncomfortable coming from him.

"You are such a fucking liar. If you didn't want to know you wouldn't have________________. I mean wow. I expected such a thing from that lil general of yours, but your the Prime Minister. Wow!". Of course he puts "Prime Minister" in air quotes to add an effect. Shaking his head he continues. "It's only natural to want to know. I mean you're locked out. I've seen her. I'd wanna know who was touching that skin too. I assure you he's having fun."

"That's Wei Yan logic...." I say.

"And she's your mirror image" he chimes in and cuts me off. "You use the same logic too accept maybe you're a bit more.....grounded. Maybe."

I growl at him. " I am nothing like her. There are similarities yes. We're similar but NOT the same. She's crazy." I answer.

He cuts me off again. "No she's brilliant and she understands that these rules you've built are tired defense mechanisms of a man who truly wants to cut lose. Unlike you, for all your bravado, she is prepared to do what must be done." Then he laughs and adds "The student has out mastered the teacher."

Enraged I swing at him, but unlike our first encounter he doens't allow me to touch him. He easily deflects my sloppy punch by grabbing my hand and brings me to my knees.

"I tire of this T. You're not Jacob. You don't get to contend with this angel and live. Why can't you be honest?" he asks applying more and more pressure with each syllable.

Barely able to talk from the pain I try to formulate an answer "I have an honor code and rules. You don't break the rules". It feels like my hand is going to explode.

"Really? Interesting." he says as he loosens his grip. Suddenly he taps into my latent gift "The world without time" and he transports me to the moment when I send the Facebook message. "Where were the rules then?" He asks. I try to knock on the window and speak and tell that fool in the car to stop. But I can't. I can only cry as I watch him hit send. I close my eyes and suddenly I'm on her porch, anger in her eyes and she won't listen. I try to step up and intervene but I cant move. I watch the young man leave the porch dejected, knowing he has no idea of what is to come.

He let's my hand go. I am sitting on the ground crying now.

"Where were the rules and that prepared mind then Mr. Thomas?"

I muster enough to say "Fuck you! You don't get to call me that"

"Ah Fuck me? Like he's doing her?" he asks. Then he leans closer "I wonder what she calls him?"

With a quickness I never experienced I am able to gain balance and I get one good kick into his ribs and it stuns him nothing more. He laughs.

"Excellent T. Excellent T! Now let's use this for some real shit. You owe me a test. You think you ready for it. Same terms apply."

"I catch my breath and I sigh. "Yes. I've been ready. You didn't follow up."

"You think I'm going to tell you when I am gonna test you? Nah that would make this Duel of Fates shit soooooo pointless. Oh by the way you have a message on BH2."

I look down at my phone and there is a message. I open it and it's a blog.

With as much cruelty he can muster he asks me "Still think you gonna get YOUR file review?"

I close my eyes and end the message. I say to him "whenever you're ready."

He laughs again...this time his voice like crush glass. "Nah. You need sleep" His laughter and my slumping on the stairs are the last thing I awaken an hour later sweaty and stinking of vomit.

Drained, ashamed, sad and dejected I go in the house, take a long shower and lay in the bed. I'm tired. I am. I haven't had a bad day like this in a month or so and his visit only made it worse. I close my eyes and try to get some sleep, but I can't. In the early stages of the Duel of Fates I have lost a friend and I will sense there will be more loses to come. He also makes sense. The probability of my file review is low, and if past is prologue and a blueprint it may not bode well even if I did. This is not the reconciliation of opposites I have envisioned.

I toss and turn for a moment when my phone beeps and I get a text message. It simply reads "Don't read to much into the blog T. I know you. In your Duel of Fates things will seem like something they are not. Just keep praying to Jah for discernment and how to handle these trying times. The best preparation is to not to focus on being prepared. With love M_________"

I close my eyes and say a prayer to Jehovah. That message was right on time. It was honest. It was his gift to me; a reminder of how to act in these moments that will surely happen again. I will need him during this Duel of Fates.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

4-28-2009

12:01pm

On Black Men, Depression and Life Pt.5: Aftermath

"Thank God for Granting Me this moment of Clarity" ~Jay Z

This is going to be a long post so let's get right to the heart of the matter:

Let's take inventory of the impact of "The Love Supreme Crisis": 90 days in duration, 1 hospital stay, a weight gain of 30+ lbs, copious amounts of vodka consumed, 4 lost friends, one friendship under review, a strained network, and of course a major love lost.

"The Love Supreme Crisis" has become/was/is the most difficult time in my life to date, harder than when my father died (A Death In Family/Sins of the Father) more painful than my breakup with Nicole (The Long Night) and more confusing than the 2006-7 year (The Second Renaissance). My faith, my maturity, my dedication, my reason, my intellect, and my courage has been/is being tested. Some of these tests I passed (even if at times I bent the rules), some of them I didn't (when I should have bent the rules); indeed the very definition of who I am already and who I will become may be very well grounded in this moment in time.

I had no idea that when I went to bed on April 3rd 2009 the world I would awaken to would be forever changed, that I would be forever changed. I had no idea that the depression would engulf my like a singularity in space (Black hole for you lay people) and change history. Granted, the seeds and signs of the storm had been coming long before April 3rd. But like the Federal Government, I didn't really appreciate the magnitude of my personal hurricane Katrina, that perfect storm of personal, professional, and emotional crisises. Now like how this nation must live with the aftermath and legacy of Hurricane Katrina, I am trying to live with an sort out that Perfect Storm that was the Love Supreme Crisis and the after waves and shocks that ripped through my life.

The eye of the storm has passed and the most difficult times are over. I am able to sit back and think with some degree of clarity. This enables me to petition Jehovah for discernment in matters where I had no discernment. My time uh....incapacitated was well spent. I was able to make some very difficult decisions on my life. It is fitting that I end this series with this entry, I think it brings it full circle. I hope this post will clear up any misconceptions, answer any questions and ultimately set a policy on who I am and how I came to be. This also will serve as an apology of sorts, to my loved ones and loyal readers. I apologize for not taking care of myself, for being ashamed of my illness and not taking time out sooner. I am working to correct the aftermath of this very difficult time in my life.

So let's get on with it:

On why I went public with my Depression:
There is a concern among my peers as to me speaking openly about my mental illness. They fear I will be castigated and labeled, misunderstood and abused. I appreciate their concern. I really do, yet it was for those very reasons I decided to speak honestly about how I am feeling and who I am. I suffer from clinical depression. I could have cancer in the balls. I got off light. Consider: If I had cancer, lumps or some other physical malady, I would be screaming from the roof tops at the peak of my voice trying to get people to educate themselves, donate, join support groups etc. Yet since mental illness is taboo in the Black Community I am supposed to sit in the dark and suffer? That defies reason. My Black Studies Training mandates I educate, my social science education mandates I educate and it is my responsibility as a Christian and servant of Jehovah to educate. This last point important as faith is a major component in the Black Community; generally where the church goes so does the people. I think people should be reminded of the words found in 2 Corinthians 7:5, 6. Here the Apostle Paul speaks of trials that vexed his mental spirit: " when we arrived in Macedonia, our flesh got no relief . . . There were fights without, fears within." Also compare this to the counsel found at Proverbs 12:25: Anxious care in the heart of the man is what will cause it to bow down, but the good word is what makes it rejoice." Ain't no shame. My goal is to provide education and the good word.

On General Wei Yan's status:
This probably the most controversial decision but I think it also the most fair decision. Let's me be frank, Yan and I have a most polemic friendship, our dynamic can/could at times be very toxic. I think its safe to say that she and I put the CIA/KBG to shame. I am very disappointed at her early disrespect of (the) Queen and that dynamic. But in this admission I need to be forthright, she was not the blog vandal, her alibis, supporting documentation and witnesses affirm that she wasn't around; I also had to use discernment in this matter (or as much as I can muster): Ain't shit subtle about Yan. She's a bull in China shop. Hiding and doing things behind anonymity isn't her style, in fact subtly isn't in her vocab. More importantly, and this is important for all of you whole claim to love me and want my best interests to know this truth: It was Yan who found the words to get me to check into the hospital. It was Yan on two occasions who talked me out of suicide or rather didn't allow me to explore those thoughts. This isn't a slight to the familia or to Ishamariablanca or anybody else that was there for me; I am just saying that she found the right combination of words to make it stick. This means at the very least she is granted absolution for the sins of 2008. While a romantic dynamic isn't an option at this point (for reasons I will explain later) her rank and her exact place at the table is under review. All I can say now is that she will be given something I don't believe I've been given/ being given in my situation with (the) Queen: a fair hearing with ALL of the evidence presented.

On My Faith and Denomination:
I am studying to become one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I believe this is the best spiritual path for me, the only spiritual path for me. My decision is solid and cannot be open to discussion or debate.

On my relationship with BFL09/Familia:
I am aware that during this crisis my relationship with BFL09 was strained during the Love Supreme Crisis. I am sure they didn't understand my conviction or my battle; I didn't understand that inability to throw themselves into the fight with me. Yet in spite of our difficulties and differences they are still my family. I am still a member of BFL09. I am still the Commander. No matter what I am their family and I am theirs. All the dumb shit aside, I would never leave my famila. Respect our conglomerate.

On Why I Reached Out for Help via Emissaries:
A major question/concern is why I used to "emissaries" "agents" and "intermediaries" to speak to (the) Queen during the height of this crisis. I used them quite simply because they were able/supposed to articulate things I could not. They were able/supposed to be my voice of clarity and reason when I had neither clarity nor reason. To quote an old Vulcan proverb: Only Nixon can go to China. In essence it was the logical thing to do when my target audience believed(s) that I had lost my mind; just like in court an advocate to speak the language. Sometimes I chose the right people for this sensitive mission, sometimes I didn't use discernment in who I asked. I merely wanted my voice to be truly heard and not drowned out by the vision of me on the porch or whatever else had made it into her head. I will not apologize for this tactic. It was not a breach of homeland security, shit we both blogged our our dynamic and anybody with a 11th grade reasoning ability and reading level can put together what happened. I do regret some of those I asked didn't tell me no; I'd rather they not undertaken the mission rather than agree to it then bash me. That is so dishonorable. But still I do believe that the use of these advocates were a tactically sound, albeit morally complex maneuver.

On My Potential "Responsibility":
Second only to the impact of losing (the) Queen is the news that I have a new responsibility. I heard rumors of this situation for sometime, but paid them little to no mind because I was at a place in life where I simply thought it was a case of the devil being hella busy to derail my happiness. Well come to find out the devil was being hella busy and still managed to disrupt my happiness. All I can say is if it is true, then I will embrace this new responsibility with open arms and full dedication: with the condition that the other party understands there is a system in place that works, its a damn near perfect system and they (the new responsibilities) must adhere to the rules already in place. In short the system will not bend for them, they will have to conform and adhere to the rules of the system. If that can not be done then I will only do the legal minimum. The idea that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one definitely applies in this context.

On My Next Career Moves:
I would like to announce I am officially broke again, so I need to get back on the hustle. HOWEVER, working that dead end gig at CS helped drag me into a depression, so I've decided to throw myself into getting into the education/social service field. I realize its going to be problematic not taking any ole job to work, but honestly I'd rather be broke than crazy. So I am no longer allowing myself to be sidetracked just to say I have a job. Right now its teacher/counseling or bust.

On Dating and Black Love:

This is going to be tricky, as I don't want to put too much in this section because of the upcoming 90 day Love Supreme blog. However, I will say that I am currently not interested in entering another committed relationship. I need time to heal from a MAJOR LOVE LOSS, to recenter and work through some lingering hurt and confusion. I don't think it would be wise to even entertain the notion of "relationship". I said and did a lot of things which need to be reconciled; to wit I declared (the) Queen to be my soulmate and the one in public and in private. I was moving towards making that a reality in my personal life. She was given stop mom responsibilities among my children. All of this needs to be reconciled. So then in this context how can I, a mere three months after the storm/crisis begin(an), be ready to move on and love another? To me that is so....ugh. That is not my style. My honor code believes that if I were to just get over it and move on with ease then I really didn't mean shit I said and did to begin with. Real Love can't be dismantled in 90 days, you cant just forget about something that powerful and move on to the next conquest. That's like falling from a 9 story building then getting up and walking away. That shit ain't happening. So at least for me, because of the emotional, mental, spiritual, and every other kind of "al" investment, I need to heal, rebuild then contemplate moving on, but because of the level of emotion I poured into that dynamic, it certainly ain't gonna happen in 180 days, let alone 90 days. Again to do so would show I didn't mean it to begin with (in my eyes). This time has also forced me to rethink some of my theories on Black Love, primarily is it unconditional and will the notion of struggle ever return. I am forced to answer the question of "what happens when you learn a complication wasn't the fault of anyone?" "Do you give it another chance, a fair review or do we stick with our convictions because it is the easy path?" "Can we really stand the rain esp when its something like mental health?" "Do we consider the strength of our words to our loved ones?" I really have a lot of thinking to do this summer on this. But as of right now in spite of the complications I am still convinced the key to saving our community lies in Black Love and the dynamic between men and women.

Aight I gotta run.

I'll see you again on the 4th.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

7-01-2009

2:35pm

On Black Men, Depression and Life Pt 2: A Critical Analysis of The Love Supreme Crisis

"I miss you" ~Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes

It has been 76 days, 15 hrs and umpteen minutes since the Love Supreme Crisis began and while I am still in the midst of this I now have some understanding as to what happened, even if I was powerless to stop it. I now understand there was no malice involved, just a series of mis-communication and complications. It was as Murphy's Law states: "Anything that can go wrong will"; a series of unfortunate events if you will.

Put another way it was (a) the perfect storm. Consider the following:

• Two people with the same agenda but with extremely different methods of achieving the goals.
• Two people with certain mental and emotional quirks, IE she was drained from her previous dynamic and I lack patience to wait a while.
• The conflicting beliefs on the role of individualism in relationships
• My depression and all that it comes with it.

Each of these elements alone would probably have little or no impact, the notable exceptions are 3 and 4 respectively. But combined each one greatly enhanced the other until it reached a boiling point.

If you're new to this blog you're probably asking what is the "Love Supreme Crisis". I will attempt to answer this before I go any further.

My time and dynamic with (the) Queen was given the code name of "A Love Supreme" (inspired by the John Coltrane album of the same name) by me because our journey to be one took place over four parts similar to the album. These parts were Pursuance, Acknowledgement, Psalm and Resolution (the album's format is different). Each of these parts spoke to our journey over the initial two years we tried to make something happen. Pursuance, for example spoke of how we always seem to find each other and to try, no matter what. Acknowledgement speaks to when we finally admitted how we felt and how we believed each other to be our soul mate. It also speaks to us recognizing the truth that we both resurrected each other after some trying times; indeed she single handedly brought by my confidence back. Psalm represents the powerful words we spoke during some trying times in the beginning to re-affirm our faith, and lastly Resolution was our decision to go at it full steam.

So as you can see with one of the greatest Jazz albums as our guide, we had the makings and were supposed to be "A Love Supreme". Without recounting a lot of history, I will say that even though it was a bit problematic at times, this was the happiest time of my life; a moment of peace and bliss...even when I cried. Understanding that "Blessed are those who struggle", we affirmed we would over come the greatest of distances and the longest of years. Everybody who was in our presence appreciated and knew we were the baddest Black couple this side of Barack and Michelle. We were going to be on the cover of Ebony for their Black Couple issue. We were gonna be a power Black couple, we were gonna change peoples definition of love. We were gonna shut the fucking party down do you here me? So naturally when we had a (the) Love Lockdown weekend on April 4th, it because a crisis; my ship had gone and sailed away and with it her voice.

In retrospect, even had I been able to totally eliminate the first 3 problems and problematics, #4 still would have posed a challenge. In fact the seeds for this was planted that night in Borders when I tried to explain depression to her and how it made me feel. As I looked into her eyes and saw them dance with both love and concern, I knew I was possibly planting an ugly seed that would spring forth at the most inopportune time. I looked at the concern on her face and my worries were confirmed when she asked me the universal depression question "You're not gonna jap out or hurt anybody? You ain't never been locked up have you?" Although I smiled and gently answered the question in the negative, I realized in horror that the first time we had a major falling out or I lost my temper in earnest I would be seen as a monster. Future events would prove me correct.

So of course it begs the question of why tell her in the first place. Well I told her because I felt she had a right to know, she was talking about seriously marrying me and I believed she should know about my strengths and my weaknesses. My depression and its realities is apart of that. I had anticipated a depression coming for the holidays, as I was born and raised a Jehovah's Witness I really feel isolated during that time of the year. So basically it was my way of saying "Hey love look, I'm not crazy and I know its a lot the first few months, but its gonna be a bit hectic over the next few weeks." However, in my intellectual honesty I didn't consider a number of things: did she understand clinical depression, if not did she want to understand clinical depression and in a worst case scenario would she be able to endure the storm? I basically just laid it all out without critical assessment. In this moment, I didn't articulate it well enough and I know I planted the wrong seeds.

The second miscue came while I was helping her pack to move and we started discussing old relationships. In conversation she mentioned she left her previous boyfriend because he had gotten depressed and unbearable. I admit I don't remember her exact words as I was too busy staring at her ass, but I didn't speak up and open a dialog. I didn't tell her about the darkness in my soul that rears in ugly head sometimes. Instead I shut up in fear of losing her.

The holidays came and went and while their were bumps in the road I do believe it wasn't a full blown episode. I think there were moments that was depression related, I also believe most of that was two stubborn people trying to force their will on the other, in short we were being hella mean to each other. After the holiday bumps things were good with us, it was indeed a Love Supreme. Or so I thought.

I realized that something was wrong when I started drinking heavily again. That was the first sign. I was trying to dull the pain. I was doing it so hard and heavy (the) Queen commented that "I was drinking irresponsibly". The second sign was that unless I was in the presence of her and our collective sons I generally was not happy. I needed to be with my heirs or her and her sun, preferably both to have a sense of peace. The final sign was my irritability has returned, the minor of things sent me over the edge.

Looking back, I realized that I had not taken my mental health seriously and for a moment I actually forgotten to take care of my illness. This allowed the stress of a dead end job, the difficulty of fixing my credit, the possibility of having a third child by a woman I neither liked nor wanted, an old ex actively trying to disrupt my relationship and the cadre of naysayers to slowly ebb away at the protective hedge I had around me and before I knew it I was depressed although I wouldn't use that word.

I used phrases like "stressed" "tired" and "working to better our relationship". I knew something was wrong and often looked within self to see if I could ascertain the problem. However, my arrogance wouldn't allow me to entertain the notion that I had fallen into a depression, (not now and not with her) brought on by reckless drinking, fucking around with Yohimbe in rude amounts (which I learned brings on panic attacks and anxiety), let me also pause that it was a drug I didn't need and of course stress. I was afraid to try to stress this to my Queen because she is always preaching positivity and happiness and I was honestly afraid that by admitting I was falling into a depression she would leave, like I believed she had done her ex. I am NOT saying she did that or that is what happened, I am merely saying that conversation left me too afraid to probe. So I as humanly possible (and in retrospect not quietly as I thought) I opted to suffer in silence and pray it would pass.

For the most part that plan worked, except when I had said "panic attacks" (see above) and pushed for her to marry me daily we were OK. I had the best Valentine's Day in my life and we were fucking great. Finally, a wedding was in sight and with the woman I had tried for two years to connect with. Problematics aside, Jehovah was blessing my efforts.

However, three things would bring on my depression full swing. First was a request made of me during our first family game night. Again had I been at peak efficiency mentally I assure you I would have shaken the request off, laughed or left. Probably left but there would have been no way I would have allowed it to severely compromise my hull (inner self and shell). The second was learning my zeal was seen by a lot of members in her camp as aggressive, overbearing, and arrogant. For the first time I begin to question my place and role in her life. Again, all normal problems that without the other factors could have been fixed. The final straw, while not brought on by her but I felt it effected her was losing my shitty job. I finally was working and stupid call center shenanigans with hours and such lead to them cutting me. I was hurt because I was trying to fix my credit and move; I needed this lil gig until I took my teachers exam (which I have since passed, yay me), get a teaching gig and further build for my lil family. I also believed a man should help his woman/wife and when I sat at her table unable to help her with her phone bill as I PROMISED, I just melted away. It was hard feeling like a King when I couldn't help; my paranoia from the Nicole era lead me to believe if you don't take care of your woman somebody else will and I just couldn't have that.

But I didn't have the coping mechanisms in place, I had neglected my mental health in a public lie, trying to be brave and act like I didn't have this pack of Black hounds nipping at my heels. I didn't go to my friends for help and again out of some misguided fear I didn't tell (the) Queen. With each day the combination of these factors lead me down a dark path until finally she asked me if I was happy and should we take a break. I knew she was right. I needed to re-center but since I wasn't thinking clearly, since I was now mentally burnt out I thought I was being dumped so she could pursue a happy man and move on. Truth be told, by the time April 4th hit I was an emotional mess. I should have agreed with her assessment and I should have taken my ass to a hospital to heal. But I didn't. I felt going was "weak", nobody would understand and I would lose her for good.

Fucking Ironic right?

Needless to say and if you read some of the links and the Love Supreme series from April and May, you will see that we had a series of further complicated events including one shitty email, several uncomfortable conversations and finally she believing I am a threat to her and some kind of nut. I believe she drew those conclusions because of earlier conversations when I botched talking about my illness and when I refused to be honest even when I was falling fast.

I was afraid to admit to my future(?) wife I was depressed. I needed help. Indeed depression, as John Head wrote in his book on depression and Black men "complications relationships." What would have happened had I been completely honest? Would she had stayed? Would we be healing now together? Would I be up all night lonely, crying and missing both my woman, lover and friend? I don't know.

For the longest time I thought the break up brought on the depression but now I see that it was there already, it had come back. Losing her just removed the barriers and locks I had to keep it in check. I now see it was the final gust of wind to a fragile deck of cards.

So now, I struggle with the lost of a loved one, openly grieving trying to find a place of healing to get over this, but considering that neither of us had all the details, all of the truth and definitely didn't treat each other so unfairly I cant move forward because I believe we ended prematurely.

I don't know if as K Jon sung "if this world is really round then hopefully my ship will come around". I don't know if she even thinks about me, I would like to assume I am on her mind as much as she is on mine. What I do know is in spite of it all I want her to be happy and smile. I do.

I'm pontificating to much and if I keep writing I'll mess up my final entry. I do know today, missing her is a cause of major sadness and I'll never be able to tell her (at least right now) what really happened and how sorry I am for not taking care of myself, if not for her but for the boys. I simply just fell down.

Indeed depression can if let unchecked overcome Black love. Perhaps we'll all learn from this and emerge stronger.

I hope.

But tonight I'm going to listen to some old R&B and remember how I had true Black Love and how my depression cost me that love...

and I will cry freely.

Until the next entry

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
6-18-2009
4:04am