The Beautiful Ones

“Paint a perfect picture, Bring 2 life a vision in ones mind” ~Prince

I was helping my son with his King Tut project when it hit me. It has been months since it happened. I almost didn’t realize it was happening. Then I got that familiar light headedness and buzz.

I saw the world without time. It’s a gift I swear I have. I see things clearer, I remember facts hidden. My aunt swears this is God talking to me, I just think my rationale brain kicks into overdrive, but either way time stops.

And suddenly I’m talking to my father, two years ago. He’s sitting on the side of the bed, right before he bottomed out; right before he gave me my final task. I remember it like it was yesterday. My father said to me:

"Terry, you are the smartest man I know. When you’re thinking clearly there is no better tactical mind. I wish you would get into politics. You’d be great. But you get into so much trouble when you deal with emotion, any emotion. Love, hate, anger, happy, sad, you just don’t do emotions well. If you can step back, and stay away from emotions you’ll be alright.”

And just like that I was back in the living room helping my oldest son with his project. After we finished, I sat down, pulled out a notepad and begin to write things down, piece by piece line by line. I didn’t deal with love or sadness, just hard facts. There was no hyperbole, no wishing just facts. And while I was doing that a song played in my mind.

The Beautiful Ones…by Prince.

And on the bus ride home, there was no emotion, only peace; no lies just truth. And when I walked in the house and sat at the computer there was no bullshit. Just hard logic, and then suddenly I found the answer, hidden in plain sight.

And the lyrics to the Beautiful Ones went through my mind.

I read the words and then I threw up. All over my work clothes. My mother asked if I was alright and I down played it as something I ate. I regained my balance, cleaned myself up and re-read it. And I read it again. And again, each time with less and less emotion until finally I faced the hard truth:

And when I understood the truth, the words to the Beautiful Ones rang louder in my head.

And I threw up again. But this time I had the strength to make it to the bathroom.

I start to dial the phone but think better of it. I hang up. There is no point. I can never build. My institution just can’t match the legacy. Love and logic just don’t mesh.

My stomach does one more flip and I get it under control. I don’t throw up this time. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I remember a basic rule: There is no emotion there is peace.

I lay out my clothes for tomorrow and prep my bag. It doesn’t matter though. I won’t sleep for days now, but hey sleep is overrated.

All while I hum the Beautiful Ones…

I sit back down at the computer to write this blog, to try to clear my head some more when I realize that the space by my keyboard is wet. Am I crying? Damn I am. I’m crying. I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. Yeah. I’m human. Shit stings ya know, but I’ve been through worse and I still am a solider. So I get up and fix a drink. I dry my face.

And I play the Beautiful Ones.

Then reality sinks in. No amount of time, healing or mourning would ever resolve this.

I’ve lost. I hate losing.

And for all the prayers, talk, well wishes and hyperbole, I really was only…..


I feel so sick

The Beautiful Ones indeed.

Straight, No Chaser.
12:30AM
TLT

Gods and Generals Part II: "The Kobayashi Muru"

“How we deal with death is as least as important as how we deal with life”
~Admiral James T Kirk.

It is called the Kobayashi Muru. In the Star Trek universe, it is the ultimate test of character, a no win scenario designed to test ones reaction to an unwinnable problem, creative thinking and ultimately how one deals with winning and losing. The Kobayashi Muru was the last test a cadet took before graduating Starfleet and was look at with the most serious of eyes. Here Wikipedia offers a concise definition of what the test entails:

In this final exam a cadet is faced with a decision:
• Attempt to rescue the Kobayashi's crew and passengers, which involves violating the Neutral Zone and potentially provoking the Klingons into hostile action or an all-out war; or
• Abandon the Kobayashi, potentially preventing war but leaving the crew and passengers to die.

If the cadet chooses to save the Kobayashi, the scenario progresses quickly. The bridge officers notify the cadet that they are in violation of the treaty, which is duly noted in the log. As the starship enters the Neutral Zone, the communications officer loses contact with the crippled vessel. Klingon starships then appear on an intercept course. Attempts to contact them are met with radio silence; indeed, their only response is to open fire, with devastating results. There is no way to win the resulting battle, especially as the computer is allowed to "cheat" to guarantee victory; the simulation ends with the understanding that the cadet's ship has been lost with all hands. The objective of the test is not for the cadet to outfight the opponent, but rather to test the cadet's behavior and thought processes in the face of insurmountable odds or circumstances.

I’ve always been fascinated by the notion of a Kobayashi Muru; in fact most sci fi nerds and fans still use it as a phrase to describe a fucked up situation. I know I do. But more important it fascinated me because I have two flaws that really make me an interesting character:

I don’t handle fear well

AND

I hate losing.

And right now, this AM I have both of those emotions.

Right now I’m trying to build an institution, trying to make it do what it do as Ray Charles would say, yet fear of losing (how’s that for a combo) is clouding my thought process. Sometimes I wonder, with all of the ghosts around am I engaged in a Kobayashi Muru, because the more I sit and think the more I am wondering if failure is what awaits me at the end of the tunnel.

Fear of losing. Man those compound emotions suck.

But here’s the catch to the Kobayashi Muru. You had to do something. Not responding or not acting wasn’t an option, you either helped or you didn’t. There no ignore option or change your mind option.

Love is like politics and politics is war. Therefore, love is war. It’s almost funny when you think about it; the notion that in love there can be a Kobayashi Muru.

It’s scary.

But like the cadets of the academy, I must take this exam. I must see where this goes. My love is real and my dedication is real and even if I lose I must be able to say I gave it my best.

But who the fuck wants to lose? Or even ponder it.

I wonder if I can alter this test like Admiral Kirk did.

Nah, unfortunately I can’t. However I can be brave in the face of all this.

What more can I do…

“Helmsman make course for the neutral zone and the Kobayashi Muru”

Straight, No Chaser.

TLT
11-26-2008
11:45pm

Ghost Rider

“The things he chose to leave behind were sorrows of the past”~
A Line from the poem “The Race” written by Terrance L Thomas circa 1991.

I HATE GHOSTS.

No, I’m not talking about the kinds of ghosts that occupy your typical horror movie or quack job’s fantasy; I am talking about the ghosts that occupy our mental space and emotional sphere. I am talking about the kinds of ghosts that find strength and solace in our memories.

Indeed I hate ghosts.

I think that is why I’ve spent my days battling ghosts. I find them troublesome and rude. I think they occupy too much time. They hold back progress. Ghosts in effect suck. My best friend thinks it’s a futile effort to battle them, but not me. I see this as a natural progress in our growth.

I.hate.ghosts.

I’ve gone up against plenty of ghosts in my day, some easy to beat other which have beaten me, but somehow I’ve always managed to walk away. Indeed, I hate ghosts.

For the first time in a while I’m ready to truly love again, to truly be happy and do the damn thing. I am smiling. I think this is truly “it”. Yet before I can move forward I have to battle one more time against a ghost I’ve never battled before, for this ghost is not just any ole phantom but rather one with a legacy and institution.

And how do you fight those things?

I’ve always argued that politics and relationships are really the same thing. Consider how hard it must be for a man like Obama to come after a man like Bush. The expectations are so high it has got to kill him. Or think of what it was like for Truman who came after Roosevelt, a President so popular he was elected 4 times. Those ghosts ran amuck. I know they are running amok now.

And this is where I am, coming behind a flawed and failed institution, trying to build a new one. Yet those ghosts occupy my hallway. They are like a suffocating cloud invading my every breath. They are problematic.

I was told that I shouldn’t worry about my predecessors, as we each are different. I was told that will only prevent me from doing my job, and complicate matters. I don’t see it like that though, because only be overcoming the past can I move into the future.

I hate Ghosts. I hate battling them. I hate they are here.

But if I don’t vanquish them…who will.

Straight No Chaser,
TLT

11-24-2008
3:15pm

731 Days to Mission Accomplished

“Olympic Torch Flaming Burns so sweet; the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat”

~U-God “Triumph" from the album "Wu Tang Forever" 1999

Two years. That’s how long it has taken me to get to this point. Two years. Do we realize what happened in two years? How much time is that in the world? Shit two years ago Obama wasnt even being taken serious enough to be a long shot for the Presidency. He was laughed at. Now he’s the President-Elect. Two years ago gas prices had just hit 3 dollars, now its back down to just under 2. Two years ago, Black Studies was alive at Olive Harvey, now it’s a faint memory.

Of course this blog isn’t a retrospective of history, but rather to show how much life has evolved in two years. So imagine, in spite of all that has happened in those two years, to dedicate oneself, either actively or passively to such a goal. Image you are always thinking of obtaining that which you crave for; (even while you engage in other ideas or actions on a daily basis.

Now imagine if you will finally being in striking distance of that goal. Imagine having a chance to touch and hold what you prayed for. What would you do to be successful?

This is the question I am wrestling with now, trying to find a balance between faith and fate, taking a chance and taking charge. My life, esp. in recent seasons has seen its shares of sweet victories and agonizing defeats. Simply put I understand what drives the flame of that torch.

After two years of struggle, ups and downs, set backs, etc I am finally in a place to build that institution. Yet I am afraid. I am afraid I will lose out. I am afraid I will blow it. I am afraid that when it’s all said and done my vision my not be shared and I may be, as an old friend used to say, putting two on ten. Its humbling as it is painful.

So how does an old solider like myself find the balance in understanding what is in my ability to control and what is not. I keep thinking of that serenity prayer…something about god giving me the strength to change what I cant, leave alone what I cant and knowing the difference.

But do I truly understand “Knowing the difference”? LOL. I really don’t think I do. I just know my head and heart are dedicated and I want to build. I’ve accepted I will make mistakes, annoy, falter, cry and bleed. I accept that as part of the process.

But still I didn’t wait two years not to give it my all; not to try to go all out.

A new chapter is beginning and I didn’t get resurrected to fail. I didn’t find the fountain of youth to remain the same place.

So I close my eyes and press on. Either this is the correct action or the wrong action. Either way I will know the morning after.

That is Straight, No Chaser.

TLT

11-22-2008

3:58:34pm