The Beautiful Ones

“Paint a perfect picture, Bring 2 life a vision in ones mind” ~Prince

I was helping my son with his King Tut project when it hit me. It has been months since it happened. I almost didn’t realize it was happening. Then I got that familiar light headedness and buzz.

I saw the world without time. It’s a gift I swear I have. I see things clearer, I remember facts hidden. My aunt swears this is God talking to me, I just think my rationale brain kicks into overdrive, but either way time stops.

And suddenly I’m talking to my father, two years ago. He’s sitting on the side of the bed, right before he bottomed out; right before he gave me my final task. I remember it like it was yesterday. My father said to me:

"Terry, you are the smartest man I know. When you’re thinking clearly there is no better tactical mind. I wish you would get into politics. You’d be great. But you get into so much trouble when you deal with emotion, any emotion. Love, hate, anger, happy, sad, you just don’t do emotions well. If you can step back, and stay away from emotions you’ll be alright.”

And just like that I was back in the living room helping my oldest son with his project. After we finished, I sat down, pulled out a notepad and begin to write things down, piece by piece line by line. I didn’t deal with love or sadness, just hard facts. There was no hyperbole, no wishing just facts. And while I was doing that a song played in my mind.

The Beautiful Ones…by Prince.

And on the bus ride home, there was no emotion, only peace; no lies just truth. And when I walked in the house and sat at the computer there was no bullshit. Just hard logic, and then suddenly I found the answer, hidden in plain sight.

And the lyrics to the Beautiful Ones went through my mind.

I read the words and then I threw up. All over my work clothes. My mother asked if I was alright and I down played it as something I ate. I regained my balance, cleaned myself up and re-read it. And I read it again. And again, each time with less and less emotion until finally I faced the hard truth:

And when I understood the truth, the words to the Beautiful Ones rang louder in my head.

And I threw up again. But this time I had the strength to make it to the bathroom.

I start to dial the phone but think better of it. I hang up. There is no point. I can never build. My institution just can’t match the legacy. Love and logic just don’t mesh.

My stomach does one more flip and I get it under control. I don’t throw up this time. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I remember a basic rule: There is no emotion there is peace.

I lay out my clothes for tomorrow and prep my bag. It doesn’t matter though. I won’t sleep for days now, but hey sleep is overrated.

All while I hum the Beautiful Ones…

I sit back down at the computer to write this blog, to try to clear my head some more when I realize that the space by my keyboard is wet. Am I crying? Damn I am. I’m crying. I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. Yeah. I’m human. Shit stings ya know, but I’ve been through worse and I still am a solider. So I get up and fix a drink. I dry my face.

And I play the Beautiful Ones.

Then reality sinks in. No amount of time, healing or mourning would ever resolve this.

I’ve lost. I hate losing.

And for all the prayers, talk, well wishes and hyperbole, I really was only…..


I feel so sick

The Beautiful Ones indeed.

Straight, No Chaser.
12:30AM
TLT