"You want it to be one way..but it's another"~ Marlo Stanfield
You know I should have written the year end review the way I had originally planned, but true to the form of 2009, I kinda held back to make sure I didn't piss anybody off, hurt any feelings or otherwise create any more messes that I would have to clean up in 2010.
One of the more interesting phenomenon of celebrating a new year is our obsession to leave the past behind without reconciling any of the events, people or emotions that came with the previous year. It's like we believe that somehow at 12:01am on New Year's day we can just close our eyes and the events that lead us to this space and place would somehow disappear.
Oh snarky mofo reading this if only it were that easy.
The real truth is that despite all of our lofty proclamations to "leave the past behind" without reconciling any events or people we are simply setting ourselves up to have a rehash of the previous years events. I would submit that instead of closing our eyes and flying away to the land of make believe, the new year, esp the first month is a perfect time to de-classify files, achieve closure and then move forward. These things are essential in gaining closure, growth and ultimately writing history.
It was this narrow minded thinking that got me into the shit in 2009 and early in 2010 got old wounds reopening and feelings of bitterness, angst, hurt and all other synonyms bubbling to the surface. So I might as well deal with it now with truth and transparency the old wounds that somehow came running back in the early days of 2010.
If this blog were a real person I'd choke the shit out him. Seriously, it causes more pain than its worth, yet at the same time it is as one person put it "my bible" and its guar-damn-teed that the answer is found within these pages. I would agree with that. While I will take the occasional creative liberty, while I will sometimes hide folks name there is no hyperbole in this bitch here. How it plays out in the real world is how I write it here. My shit is concise and you don't have to guess. This space is rude, honest, painful, funny, sexy, and fucking well written. This is why every now and then I will write something that causes such a shit storm that I need to pause and address what was said. For example when I wrote the piece about my honor after being told I was fake, the dialog was hot and heavy. I deleted most of the comments cause they were just rude and only I can be rude in this space. Yes indeed, there are times when I drop a gem so good its gonna start a riot.
It seems the last entry in the "Reconstructing Memory" Series will be the next riot starter.
In the past 48 hrs I've been told my blog was "disrespectful", "judgmental" "harsh" "arrogant" "bitter", "part of a larger plot" , "games" and all sorts of other things.
My official response:
Are you serious? Fuck all yall. That's real talk there.
Disrespectful? My piece is disrespectful because I raised the point that I felt like a rebound? Really? Well I guess its disrespectful then because I do/did feel like a rebound, and judging from the information gathered, since party A went back to that space after we ended then that makes us *drum roll* a fucking rebound. How else can I feel when I was told shit like "not to show excitement cause it will get back to him" or introduced as "friend" and "frat brother", yet we planning a future and blending children. The entire world knew from hour one of day one who that person was, where they stood in my life, EVERYBODY knew who party A was. There was no question, no ambiguity. I was "all in" from the start. I didn't need to heal, soft peddle, hide, go around, and if then. She was (the) Queen. Everybody else was...well regular people. Now I dare any muthafucka to say that was matched.
*taps* I'll wait.
*stops taping*
Fucking exactly. It wasn't. Now, as I finish healing and begin to reflect I'm wrong for feeling like a glorified place holder? Really? I did shit right and by the book. That one can't complain. Nobody can complain. I got shit canned for defending my emotional space. I may have did it a bit rough, but all I was doing was fighting for something I thought wanted me. How is that wrong? What really fucks with me is this person also laid then entire LSC/Duel/break up in my lap. Really? Please tell me what great sin I committed that deserved me to be dumped then banished and treated like I didn't fucking exist. Oh wait I sent a rude email in that mentioned hate, and yes I showed up unannounced. Oh yeah I wouldn't take that bullshit laying down and took it to the mattress and fought. Oh wait. I was wrong for reaching out to "her", the enemy. So that got me banned? Wait. I'm sorry. Yeah we left out the part of the story bout me being so fucking out of it mentally, so hurt and despondent that my dear "friends" felt the way to help me was to bounce. So I reached out, for help clarity and answers. I went to the one person who fought and clawed for something they wanted and I believed understood. So fucking what. What did that have to do with me and Party A? Really? Even if I did reconnect....man let me stop. My reconnection had jack shit to do with nothing. Niggaz did what they wanted cause they wanted to and I gave them the excuse. Me and that friend are still struggling to define our friendship; party and her "ghost" are a family. You tell me how the shit looks. So I again raise the question what were these great sins to be banished and forgotten? Sins, yes. Cardinal sins. Hell naw. Maybe on some far away planet. Who knows. But on earth, I know niggraz have been forgiven for much worse.
Speaking of my friend I'm say this once and forever. Is the Ret Gen an ass? Yup. Did she try to whack me? Well yes. Does she play CIA games with people? Yes. Rowdy? Yes Dangerous? Yes. Was she one of the few people to respond when I needed a helping hand? Yes. Was she the one who helped me not kill my fool self in June? Hell fucking yes. These aren't contradictions. These are facts. I need for my friends who hate on my healing friendship with said General to ponder this real cute question: "If I had to go to somebody so wicked (their words, not mine) what does that say about my support network and loved ones?"
Yup. You sucked.
At one point in history this was my ace, the tip of my spear, my Tiger General. If we could ever get past the bullshit and sort through what went wrong and deal in accountability she will go back to being those things. Not a moment before we healed and made amends and not a moment after. I'll say it again: The General was/is/will always be a fucking asshole. Always. But at the end of the day she was something most of you were not: (insert word here).
Speaking of Generals, yo for real get over yourself. I've absolved what we did wrong and hold myself accountable for my mistakes. But real talk you ain't Cindy Lou. It's like the CIA telling the KGB they are victims. It's like Wei Yan acting like Zhuge Liang didn't like him in a vacuum. You fucked up too. As I stated above you're used as reason #1 why I couldn't go back and yet I defended my potential friendship/friendship with you. But I'm playing games. Oh you mean games like hacking, sleeping with best friends, using police tails, emotional warfare, fiscal warfare and shame? Those kinds of games? Pffft. I told you. This is my process and while I want us to reconstruct I wasn't going to deal with the mood swings and the breakdowns. Let's both get over it. Move on. Stop it. For real. If I was on some shit you would know. You've been my greatest student, best friend and worst enemy. We said we was moving beyond that. So I'm need to you make this shit easy ya dig.
You know Just Dre told me to post what I felt cause it was gonna come back. I should have. But now I've dealt with it and ready to finish the wonderful journey of my 35th year. Nothing is gonna break the heart of this champion. Nothing.
I always love and welcome readers. I even love the occasional riot. I'm just letting it be known though the days of soft peddling and compromise, esp when it comes to this space are done. If my words are to public, blunt, rude, or "tells the business" I suggest you....pray? I don't know.
I just know I will remain
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
1-8-2010
12:00pm
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