Reflections on Zhuge Liang and Wei Yan: Two guys in a lunatic asylum

"(S)He was a powerful general..."~Raekwon

"Insanity:doing the same thing over and over again and
expecting different results."~Albert Einstein

I lost recently lost a friend. Our season (I believe) has finally ended.

Actually she was more than a friend to me if I can be totally honest, although I don't think she quite discerned that. After a very polemic four year dynamic, the last year full of non stop stress, our foundation finally collapsed. I guess this is the resolution I prayed for having taken the matter to the alter a number of times and earnestly asking God to either resolve our conflict or remove her from my life. I believe he did the latter based on what I am sure were mutual prayers: he ended our season. Of course being humans we compounded this sad moment with words that were straight up evil. I guess then it is as it should be.

So why do I feel like total crap today?

I'll be the first to admit that the dynamic between myself and Wei Yan was far from perfect. We both have committed acts towards each other that would make the U.S. and Al Queda beef seem mild by comparison. I know I have used this woman to further my agenda, I've thrown her under the bus, pulled her in front of a bullet for two for me, actively sought to replace her on numerous occasions in the rudest of manner, I used her for my own needs, at times disregarded hers and didn't always defend her to my most loved ones. Conversely, she has to be one of the single biggest reasons I've lost serious creditability in some circles, namely with T.G.S. during a most critical time last year. She slept with one of my boys, tried to whack me at least twice and during the LSC and DOF joined with the chorus of others that laughed, mocked and danced on my (or so they thought) grave. My closest brother hated her, most of my friends hated her, and at times I hated her. Even as I write this down I have all the reasons right here to be glad this season is over.

So why do I feel like total crap today?

T.G.S. once referred to situations like this as "the bullsheet you know". My Chief of Staff likened my dynamic to an addiction, and my late mother who liked her a lot often worried about our gross dysfunction. It all made sense when I swore for the last time she would tell me to "die" and I would still talk to her. I swore that I would let her ultimatum deadline pass without a word, say my goodbyes and allow her to test the free agent market. I felt good doing it.

But over the weekend I got to remembering the good times, the times where we laughed. The times where we both held each other and discussed the world. I remembered how she helped make the 30th conference a success. I remember how when I gave my luncheon presentation she was the first person to greet me as I collapsed in her arms, tearful that my father couldn't see me shine. I remembered her helping me get to wal-mart to get my dying father what he needed, then begging me to make peace with him before he died (I did and I am thankful for that). I thought of our romantic moments. I thought (and still think) of her children, esp number #3 that I adore as my own. I reflected on how she often worried about my sons and my mother; I remember her checking on the Queen mother often more than I did. I remember all of those things that made us happy and I weigh what good against was bad and I get....

Zero. -100+100=0. I can't fudge the numbers even if I wanted to.

It balances out. It is zero. Our evil equally matches our good and I am not sure that is love. Or if it is love I don't know what that means. I told a dear friend just Friday that I believe strongly in the comparative analysis in situations like this and the question of "why we couldn't get it done in four years" is valid esp when I was thisclose to marrying somebody else in a matter of months. What where we lacking, could we ever obtain it and would the scales ever balance out. I do believe Wei Yan to be a great woman, a beautiful mother and a gentle soul. I am not sure I brought those qualities out in her any more than she brought out the best in me. Elkketia, despite being her one voice of support in my space often said "TLT, yall season is over. Both of you just are keeping it on life support. Only God can save it now." I felt this was right on....

but
today
I feel
like crap.

In church this morning my Pastor talked about the devil using our insecurities to make us second guess God's blessing and decisions. The devil plants these seeds in our head, makes us wanna back track to what we left; we do so then disqualify ourselves from our blessings. He makes us leave too soon or too late and before we know it we've committed spiritual suicide. If this is the resolution that has been set before me based on at least my prayers for an answer, I can't disqualify myself going backwards. I can't allow harsh words on the Internet likening us "to watching paint dry" or "a waste of time and life" to make me feel like I did something wrong. Yall, I tried a million different ways from Sunday to make this work, and neither of us could agree on terms that were "fair market value". It would have been the easy path, the wide road to just settle and I just couldn't; I firmly believe the wide path leads to destruction and settling leads to sinking and after four years our scales equal zero. I know Pastor was correct. I can't second guess this. Still this reminds me of a joke:

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night... one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see he's afraid of falling... So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But, the second guy just shakes his head. He says... he says "What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across."~Joker The Killing Joke 1988

Did I seriously just use a joke from a graphic novel between two mortal enemies to describe this dynamic? My mother would say the proof is in the pudding, right there an answer reveled. Indeed we are mirror images and that might have been the single biggest reason to walk on by(e). It's even scarier when I can find "us" in both historical and fictional dysfunctional dynamics. We're Batman and Joker, Zhuge and Wei Yan, MacArthur and Truman, David and Michal, I mean come on..geesh. That says a lot. A whole lot. And going back to the earlier point: the numbers don't lie. We balanced out...right back to point A.

*pause*
Before I continue, I would like to take this moment to announce the elimination of the S5 position. It has caused more problems that what it is worth; it leads to complex dynamics and it was this position's "ease" that enabled us to lie to each other about what we wanted and agree to a contract that was bullcrap. That initial lie sowed seeds were weren't ready to reap. At 35, I have no need for anything below an S3. It is time to retire and retire that God awful position.

*play*

Perhaps this is the devil trying to get me to move out of my place, get us to move out of our place and disqualify ourselves. If her words are true and she prayed for a resolution as I did then I can only have faith that this is it. I will not second guess God. These feeling of crap will subside. If not I will simply take it to my elders allow their guidance to help me deal (Jas 5:14).

Now, as painful as it is, or as confused as I may be, I can only say:

"I wish you the best in your future endeavors. I.Wil never forget you."

But today....

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised, Amen)

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-15-2010
7:50pm