Reflections on Zhuge Liang and Wei Yan: Two guys in a lunatic asylum

"(S)He was a powerful general..."~Raekwon

"Insanity:doing the same thing over and over again and
expecting different results."~Albert Einstein

I lost recently lost a friend. Our season (I believe) has finally ended.

Actually she was more than a friend to me if I can be totally honest, although I don't think she quite discerned that. After a very polemic four year dynamic, the last year full of non stop stress, our foundation finally collapsed. I guess this is the resolution I prayed for having taken the matter to the alter a number of times and earnestly asking God to either resolve our conflict or remove her from my life. I believe he did the latter based on what I am sure were mutual prayers: he ended our season. Of course being humans we compounded this sad moment with words that were straight up evil. I guess then it is as it should be.

So why do I feel like total crap today?

I'll be the first to admit that the dynamic between myself and Wei Yan was far from perfect. We both have committed acts towards each other that would make the U.S. and Al Queda beef seem mild by comparison. I know I have used this woman to further my agenda, I've thrown her under the bus, pulled her in front of a bullet for two for me, actively sought to replace her on numerous occasions in the rudest of manner, I used her for my own needs, at times disregarded hers and didn't always defend her to my most loved ones. Conversely, she has to be one of the single biggest reasons I've lost serious creditability in some circles, namely with T.G.S. during a most critical time last year. She slept with one of my boys, tried to whack me at least twice and during the LSC and DOF joined with the chorus of others that laughed, mocked and danced on my (or so they thought) grave. My closest brother hated her, most of my friends hated her, and at times I hated her. Even as I write this down I have all the reasons right here to be glad this season is over.

So why do I feel like total crap today?

T.G.S. once referred to situations like this as "the bullsheet you know". My Chief of Staff likened my dynamic to an addiction, and my late mother who liked her a lot often worried about our gross dysfunction. It all made sense when I swore for the last time she would tell me to "die" and I would still talk to her. I swore that I would let her ultimatum deadline pass without a word, say my goodbyes and allow her to test the free agent market. I felt good doing it.

But over the weekend I got to remembering the good times, the times where we laughed. The times where we both held each other and discussed the world. I remembered how she helped make the 30th conference a success. I remember how when I gave my luncheon presentation she was the first person to greet me as I collapsed in her arms, tearful that my father couldn't see me shine. I remembered her helping me get to wal-mart to get my dying father what he needed, then begging me to make peace with him before he died (I did and I am thankful for that). I thought of our romantic moments. I thought (and still think) of her children, esp number #3 that I adore as my own. I reflected on how she often worried about my sons and my mother; I remember her checking on the Queen mother often more than I did. I remember all of those things that made us happy and I weigh what good against was bad and I get....

Zero. -100+100=0. I can't fudge the numbers even if I wanted to.

It balances out. It is zero. Our evil equally matches our good and I am not sure that is love. Or if it is love I don't know what that means. I told a dear friend just Friday that I believe strongly in the comparative analysis in situations like this and the question of "why we couldn't get it done in four years" is valid esp when I was thisclose to marrying somebody else in a matter of months. What where we lacking, could we ever obtain it and would the scales ever balance out. I do believe Wei Yan to be a great woman, a beautiful mother and a gentle soul. I am not sure I brought those qualities out in her any more than she brought out the best in me. Elkketia, despite being her one voice of support in my space often said "TLT, yall season is over. Both of you just are keeping it on life support. Only God can save it now." I felt this was right on....

but
today
I feel
like crap.

In church this morning my Pastor talked about the devil using our insecurities to make us second guess God's blessing and decisions. The devil plants these seeds in our head, makes us wanna back track to what we left; we do so then disqualify ourselves from our blessings. He makes us leave too soon or too late and before we know it we've committed spiritual suicide. If this is the resolution that has been set before me based on at least my prayers for an answer, I can't disqualify myself going backwards. I can't allow harsh words on the Internet likening us "to watching paint dry" or "a waste of time and life" to make me feel like I did something wrong. Yall, I tried a million different ways from Sunday to make this work, and neither of us could agree on terms that were "fair market value". It would have been the easy path, the wide road to just settle and I just couldn't; I firmly believe the wide path leads to destruction and settling leads to sinking and after four years our scales equal zero. I know Pastor was correct. I can't second guess this. Still this reminds me of a joke:

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night... one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see he's afraid of falling... So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But, the second guy just shakes his head. He says... he says "What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across."~Joker The Killing Joke 1988

Did I seriously just use a joke from a graphic novel between two mortal enemies to describe this dynamic? My mother would say the proof is in the pudding, right there an answer reveled. Indeed we are mirror images and that might have been the single biggest reason to walk on by(e). It's even scarier when I can find "us" in both historical and fictional dysfunctional dynamics. We're Batman and Joker, Zhuge and Wei Yan, MacArthur and Truman, David and Michal, I mean come on..geesh. That says a lot. A whole lot. And going back to the earlier point: the numbers don't lie. We balanced out...right back to point A.

*pause*
Before I continue, I would like to take this moment to announce the elimination of the S5 position. It has caused more problems that what it is worth; it leads to complex dynamics and it was this position's "ease" that enabled us to lie to each other about what we wanted and agree to a contract that was bullcrap. That initial lie sowed seeds were weren't ready to reap. At 35, I have no need for anything below an S3. It is time to retire and retire that God awful position.

*play*

Perhaps this is the devil trying to get me to move out of my place, get us to move out of our place and disqualify ourselves. If her words are true and she prayed for a resolution as I did then I can only have faith that this is it. I will not second guess God. These feeling of crap will subside. If not I will simply take it to my elders allow their guidance to help me deal (Jas 5:14).

Now, as painful as it is, or as confused as I may be, I can only say:

"I wish you the best in your future endeavors. I.Wil never forget you."

But today....

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised, Amen)

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-15-2010
7:50pm

Weathering the Storm: The Final Moments of 2009.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"~A Tale of Two Cities.

During the best of times I believed that I would have proposed by now, entering 2010 with a future wife. Then the worst of times came and I believed that I would not see 2010. During this time came a fall.

Then a Crisis.

Then a Duel.

Which lead to a search for a Better Tomorrow.

In which I had to reconstruct memory and reconnect with my true self.

And I got up from that fall, to show myself approved, to prove once and forever that now there is NOBODY who can out perform me in a big name match; that I am not the kind of muthafucker you put into the mid-card but rather one you build the company around. I am the main event.

In 2009 I lost a queen, a kingdom, an army and the best tiger general. But yet I survived. I fucking survived. This in turn lead me to understand I need to/and will live life instead of surviving. I get another chance at redemption and to live.

Howard Hughes said it best:
"I wanna thank you God for giving me one more chance to raise my voice and to say amen!"

It's a song I sing every new year. I am grateful for this. Thank you Jehovah indeed.

With this discernment instead of lsmenting a lost love, I am celebrating with like minded people in a space where my strengths are not seen as weaknesses; I am celebrating a renewed sense of purpose, discernment into who TLT really is, and a clear appreciation of my strength, courage and wisdom. Unlike this moment in NYE's past there is no sadness, but a sense of peace..long overdue and excitement over the seeds of hope that I have planted.

2009 I bid you adieu. I took your best and survived.

*outstreches arms*
Let's see what you got 2010.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-31-2009
11:59pm

A Better Tomorrow: Yesterday's Joy, Today's Anger

"I keep forgetting" ~Michael McDonald

Shut up snarky mofo reading this. I have a perfectly good explanation for my post.

I tried to stay away but one of my few remaining friends (who I've discussed the following blog with) told me I need to write to release some built up sadness and anger. Since this anger had been inside of me for lil over a month I figured I had to do something to release it.

I know I said December 30th 2009, but I also realized I had so much to say that my retrospective would have been six pages long. But I've never been concerned with length before and honestly that isn't why I am writing tonight.

Tonight, I am remembering one year ago. I smile. I laugh. I cry. I then try to bury the emotions but they bubble to the surface. My failures and fears explode and I realize some things. I realize:

I am angry.
I am bitter.
I am alone.

With these realizations I also realize that I am utterly clueless.

I have no clue how to move forward. As I sit and reflect upon 2009 I realized my worst fear had come true. I am alone, I am confused, and I have been betrayed, abandoned, forgotten and all those other words.

I have no clue how to move forward from a soul breaking experience, in which I gave my all only to be treated like a...I don't have the words. I did it by the book and in return I was misunderstood, vilified, and banished.

I have no clue how to reconcile with my Familia, who despite their pleas to the contrary, truly did nothing during the Crisis, during my mental break, and even now. I have no idea how to love them back when I believe in my heart they left me and could give two shits about my plight.

I have no clue how to forgive those who profess to love and care for me, yet leave me because I don't act according to their rules, heal their way, or bark at their beckon call.

I have no clue how to restore my honor, which I believe I lost during this time. I didn't mean to beg, I didn't mean to fall down, all I wanted to do is be heard and be given a fair chance. I am angry with myself and with her because I don't think either of us took my emotional and mental health under consideration in the moves we made or didn't make.

I also realize I am hella lonely.

I am lonely as my faith is shattered. I have spent almost 8 months begging for a miracle, asking for a sign, praying to be healed, trying to study his word only to be meet with nothing, a vast emptiness in my soul. I now believe he does not hear me anymore.

I am lonely once I leave work. While I am at work with those kids I am loving it. But at 4:02pm a dread overcomes me, and I remember that I am lonely and angry.

I also realize with being clueless and lonely will come/came bitterness.

I am extremely bitter I am probably the only one carrying scars. I haven't been able to date, smile, believe in love, or any of the joy that comes with that. There was no picking up and moving on for me. There was no new interest or old flame. Hell most of the old flames immediately took great joy in my failing and falling (isn't that right?), so even I wanted to run to a safety net there was none. It was me and Roxi Reynolds. Mostly, I am bitter I no longer believe in unconditional Black love nor do I think I will ever find a wife, esp since the woman who I wanted to be my wife walked away and never looked back. I am bitter that I, like King David, won't get to build a temple. Instead I have to prepare my Solomons for the building work.

I am bitter I poured my heart and soul into my writing only to be ridiculed and clowned; only to be met with scorn and a lack of respect. I admit at times this blog was a love letter and a manifesto but still they were my feelings and they got uberly pissed on.

Man I am just angry and bitter....and that makes me lonely.

I miss my smile. I miss my swag.

I miss my arrogant walk. I miss loving Black love.

I miss my friends. I miss my life.

I miss my respect.

I miss faith.

Exactly one year ago life was absolutely amazing. Things had begun to be on point and turn around for the better. The road had begun....and now a year later that road lies in ruins.

Few Friends
No BFL
No Generals
No (the) Queen

Only a handful of remaining advisers, who seek to help me out of this moment.

Where the fuck did it all go? I don't know.

I just know today I am angry as hell and the only person I can talk to about it is my keyboard, this page and God.

Somehow I don't think none of em gives two shits.

Of course this could be the frustration, anger and sadness because of the day. I don't know.

I just know right now I feel forgotten, abandoned, disrespected and alone.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
11-14-2009
12:01am

The Sun Of The Mourning Pt.3: Altered Deals and Saving Grace

"Man I gotta get my soul right"~ Jay Z

It's 69 degrees and the wind is blowing perfectly from the east. Each slight breeze is a gentle massage on my skin. Anybody who knows me knows I love weather like this; the perfect 69 degrees reminds me of Nashville and when time was simpler and with a small pang of guilt life in the B.C. era.

I stood in the park enjoying the late night breeze, mediating on the weeks events; completing the meaning and struggling to find balance. Of course this moment towards balance was complicated by the swigs of Effen Black Cherry I was taking. Still the slight buzz and breeze continued to take over my body and relax my tight muscles. I was able to see the world, without time, and attempt to make sense out of my life.

As I stood there humming the lyrics to People Get Ready by Curtis Mayfield, the breeze that had so relaxed me stopped; in its place a gust of heat that seemed to turn this quiet night into a 99 degree day. Without missing a sip I turned and saw him walking towards me, each step a perfect stride, sporting a cream polo, blazer and jeans, and hair faded to the 9's. Par the course, he was the perfect mirror image to my current ragged state. I took another swig of vodka and tried to, as humanly possible, prepare myself for tonight's encounter.

"Good Evening Mr. Thomas" he said in an all to familiar voice, her voice, each step pronounced by the sounds of his feet hitting the pavement.

I don't speak. I take another swig of vodka.

He walks right up and stands next to me.

"The camp of a defeated army. Boy I never get tired of this scene. It's something poetically funny about seeing the hopes and dreams of people so determined smashed into bits don't you agree?"

I still don't respond. Instead I take another sip.

He points at the flask and laughs. "No Seagram's Apple tonight? Man a nigga get a job and now he wanna buy Effen, bougie muthafucka".

I still don't respond.

"Guess who I saw tonight? Heh she was looking good. Smelled good too. He got to be hitting that good and raw. I wonder if he stares with the same intensity..."

He is cut off by my sloppy swing. The first one grazes him, but the second is easily deflected as he blocks my arm and kicks my left leg out.

"Liquid Courage has been the downfall of many men. Don't let it be yours. Now pick yourself up. Somebody walks by and they'll see a drunk man in the grass." He extends his hand to help me up. "Let's play nice tonight Mr. Thomas." Every time he fucking says that I wanna scream but I don't let it show on my face.

Shaking off his punch and struggling for breath I finally speak to him.

"You're interrupting my meditations" I say as I finally take his hand and come to my feet.

"Meditations? Who? You? LOL. Ha Com.e.dy. Mr. Thomas you don't mediate. You brood. If you truly were meditating you would have discerned the answer by now."

"I'm so not in the mood for you."

"Why is that? You deal with strangers on your blog. What makes me different. At least you can see me."

"Can we get to the point? Does my "test" start now?

He laughs and it is a deep soul moving laugh. "No, I've changed my mind. No test for you."

"Interesting and why is that?"

"Simply you're not broken enough. I need you a lil more dilapidated than this."

I make a face and look at him "It doesn't get worse than this."

"Man, you don't know how bad it's going to get".

I walk right up to his face and tell him "Fuck you."

"Oh you mean like..." his words drift off. "You ALWAYS set yourself up for that."

"I heard you're a liar" and I turn and walk away.

He chuckles. "Stop talking to baptists. They'll steer you always steer you wrong."

He is beside me again, moving as if he teleported.

"Look Mr. Thomas, I got a deal for you. A better deal. Even you wont be able to say no to this one".

Sighing frustratedly and in a mocking tone I respond "Do an act of worship to me and all the kingdoms will be mine right?" For the first time in any of our encounters I laugh at HIM. I turn to keep walking.

His face gives away his annoyance. "Even better."

I keep walking.

"What could a man do with a 72 hr advance notice? Better yet Mr. Thomas what would you DO with a 72 hr advance notice" he asks curiously.

My stride slows and then stops. I turn around to face him. I am now feeling the full effects of the vodka and the world is blurry and unstable. The only thing I can see clearly is him.

"I could do miracles and prevent disasters with that kind of head start"

He pulls out his golden apple and takes a bite.

"I know. 72 hrs. That's a big lead"

My feet begin to move and I don't know why; he was away but now in this blurry world he's the only thing that is clear, close and not moving in circles.

"So what are you saying?" I ask my voice no longer strong, the whine I've come to hate returning...

"I am saying to give me what I want and when you wake up it will be April 2nd."

"2009?"

"Yes April 1st 2009. And the only trick will be you will know what is gonna happen...up until April 5. I'm offering you a reboot, a do over, and a cheat sheet"

I try to swallow and the lump in my throat hurts. I take a swig of vodka and there is no more. Did he just offer me a do over? A chance to prevent it all? I pull out BH2, hoping for a sign. My phone is dead.

Smirking he says "Oh I turned that off. I don't want us to be interrupted. What were you looking for Mr. Thomas? A sign? From him? You've done it his way. And what did you get? What have you gotten? Some other man fucking your wife? Ridicule? I'm offering you a fucking do over and you're standing there looking dofus like. Take the fucking deal Terrance. He tilts his head. If not for you do it for the boys." As he finishes his smirk turns into a full smile.

I feel the tears flowing from my eyes, I feel the hurt inside and I feel it all overwhelming me. My chest wants to explode, my head hurts and my right hand is extending.

I do what until that moment is unthinkable. I give him my right hand. I take the apple from him.

He takes my hand and it burns as I grasp his. The pain is a necessary side effect "No tricks?" I ask.

"None. When you open your eyes it will be April 2nd and you'll have all the knowledge you need."

I nod.

"Now you need to kneel".

I feel my legs giving out and my body going heavy. This is wrong, but right, its necessary. I've done it right and got nothing. Why not try him I reason?

Suddenly he turns and looks. His face blazing with anger. He lets my hand go and I notice he expression isn't anger but fear. Something has made afraid.

"We finish this later."

And then he is gone....

I stand in the park unsure of how to feel. He had me. He won. Why did he let me go. What MADE him let me go.

I decide its finally time to go home. I'm standing in the middle of a park on 79th drunk and that is a sure "get your ass locked up" combination.

I stumble across to the bus stop and there is an elderly sister I assume is one of the many hobo's riding the 79th street bus at 3am. I speak politely so she won't think I'm a threat and mess around and mace me or something, thereby making my crazy night worse.

"Good evening ma'am"

She smiles and speaks in a peaceful almost southern tone

"Hi baby." As if she's studying me, she asks "you OK? its to late for you to be out. Your wife is gonna be mad if something happens to you. Ain't nothing out this late but trouble"

"I don't have a wife, not any more at least" I say. Then I add "I'm already in trouble"

She nods "Yeah that's why I screamed for that man you was fighting and arguing with to leave you alone. He looked like he was gonna hurt you"

Now my face is puzzled. "What man?" I ask trying to be coy

"That evil man over there. Had I not said something he surely was gonna hurt you."

Suddenly my buzz is gone. Now I am wondering if ......

She walks up and touches my face. "Mr. Thomas, Mr. Thomas I know this is hard. I know this hurts but it is going to be better. You're not forgotten, disliked, hated and you ARE LOVED and thought about. Do not believe his lies.

She turns and begins to walk away. "Your soul depends on you remembering this. Baby the Duel of Fates is real"

I stand there stunned and in amazement. "Thank you" I say now tearful again.

She smiles. "You're welcome baby. One more thing. Have you discerned how he gets to you? Have you figured out what gives him the in path?"

"Thinking about her?"

"No. Your thoughts are love. He uses that as the red herring. When you discern how he gets to you, then you'll stop leaving him that opening."

She walks away and I lose her in the darkness....

Suddenly my phone buzzes and I get a text message. It's an old message but now it's in my new file.

"Mr. Thomas only Jehovah truly knows."

I shake my head when I realize that I was saved by an angel. I was about to yield and I was had to be saved.

That doesn't make me feel to good.

I go home and go to bed. I hold my young son as I try to make sense of tonight's events and how I was about to, had given in only to be saved. This will fuck with me for a while...this situation will fuck with me for a while. Man I gotta get my soul right...before I mess up my WHOLE life.

I need to figure out his in....

And prepare for the next encounter

The Duel of Fates Rages on.........

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-1-2009
5:30am

The Duel of Fates: Unintended Consequences and The Breaking Of Will

"But this time...is different"~ Batman

I felt like Biggie, wondering who the hell is this calling me at 7:15am. I didn't look at the number assuming the only lunatic to call me would be one of my young people and I honestly prayed that it wasn't because the ONLY time on of them call that early is to tell me they're either locked up or somebody died. Either way I was in the mood for it because hump day blues left me totally fucked up.

I answer half professional half sleep.

"This is Terrance"

The voice responds "Good morning Prime Minister". Instantly I recognize the voice and laugh because its my former student, lover and current great friend "Red". Red is a legend in my world a retired counsel member. Our history is quite complex; we're like the friend my anonymous poster said she had, but now really great friends. She married a great guy and all is well. Sadly the sails of life has kept communication apart and we really hadn't spoken nor seen each other minute but I know for a fact she's a snarky mofo who reads this fine piece of work I call a blog. I also know her eyes go else were.

"Do you realize what time it is?

"Yeah it's the time when normal people get up"

"We both know I ain't normal people"

"LOL. No. You're not. But look wake up, we need to talk".

I sit up on the couch, having feel asleep playing Batman: Arkham Asylum for the XBox360 (good ole product placement) and I tell her to shoot.

"T, you know I love you. But I'mma need to you stop"

"Stop what?"

"Don't be an ass"

"You know I can't do that"

"Actually you can but you don't want to. But you really ain't gotta choice no more."

"Red"

In anger she cuts me off. She begins to layout her concerns for me and my health. She lays out why it won't work and tells me the obvious answer is none of the above. In essence she is pleading with me not to continue and for good measure she tells me how I am mentally killing myself.

I absorb her pleas and I listen; but my response was as it has always been. "Thank you, but my mind is made up. I have no choice but to fight"

By now she is crying and I can hear it in her voice she is worried.

"Nothing can be gained from this battlefield. You remember telling me that when me and his name who isn't spoken broke up. It hurt, but you were right. So now I'm telling you my old teacher "nothing can be gained here".

"Its too early in the AM. Can we finish this later?"

"No. Have you seen the latest piece of intel?" she asks in a flustered voice.

"No, contrary to popular belief that isn't the first thing I do in the am"

"I think you should check it out now. I'll wait."

I go to my laptop which snary preteen left up and I gather my intel"

"You there?"

"Yeah I'm here. I'm reading now"

At this point I am now wishing it was a lunatic or one of the kids. The shit hits me like a ton of bricks and I taste traces of vomit but I fight it off.

"T?"

"Unintended consequence of war. Balance will return"

"Isn't that present in all wars PM? Yours was no different. So you ain't said nothing. Wait are you shittying me? It's is there in black and white. What more do you need to hear and read? Will seeing make you a believer? Or maybe another breaking point. Look, if you continue would you be any different from Yan? Only a fool keeps knocking on a door where he ain't wanted. There are sisters who would love to fuck with you, die to be with you. Why then fight for the one who ain't feeling you ever? You know better. I know you know better cause you trained me"

"It's a little more complex......"

"Yi Liang. You're now fighting an unjust and immoral war"

"That's not fair"

"But it applies. Or better yet, you can run all of Baltimore, but Avon gotta have his corners."

I sit silently. I look at the screen one more time and I log off.

"PM?"

"I'm here. I need to go so I can get the kids off for school."

"I understand, and I'm sorry. You are a godsend Terrance. I just need for you to remember it. Go heal. I love you bro"

"Thank you and I love you too..."

In just 7 mins and 42 seconds Thursday August 27th 2009 is officially shot to hell.

I go through my morning ritual as if in a trance....my mind cant even think straight.

I make coffee.

I take a shower.

I help my heirs get organized.

I try to eat a bagel. I can't

My coffee tastes bitter.

My youngest heir wont cooperate.

I call off work. Don't wanna do it today.

My heirs leave and I go sit on a back porch...the drizzle annoying me. I reflect on all that I have read seen and done.

I reflect on this blog, my conversations her, my debates with Yan, the counsel of BFL, Rev Dr, my bible study, every moment of the past 142 days and it finally hits me...summed up in one line...

Finally I throw up.

By now I've gotten two text messages asking me am I alright and what my next move will be.

My next move..will...be...to...use the advice I gave Yan....

Of 36 Stratagems, only one will work....36 itself.

I walk in the house and the Queen Mother is up.

"You look tired. Is everything alright?"

I kiss her on the forehead and tell her as good as its going to be and smile at her. I turn and walk to the den she yells to me "Pray to Jehovah!"

I try to pray but I can't. I can't find the words. Perhaps I will later..they always do come to me.

I do think I've picked on helluva time to try to quit drinking. Jackass.

Instead and fittingly considering my fixation on this damn game (which I'm about to play now) I remember Batman #497......and the images therein...which describes how this "Bane" of hurt and frustration (even if unintentional) has managed to break this Dark Knight.


It's over..............

And somewhere the "Star" is laughing his ass off.....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-27-2009
9:45am

120

Indeed.

The Struggle, Journey and Mission Continues......

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-4-2009
12:01am

Prologue to a Duel

"In order to reconcile the external, we must first reconcile the internal" ~BlackThought39

In this Duel of Fates I will have to choose:

Life or Knowledge

Knowledge or Wisdom

Forgiveness or Anger

War or Peace

Acceptance or Defiance

Reality or Illusions

Past or Present

Present or Future

Happiness or Honor

Pride or Humility


I will have to reconcile:

I am a King No Longer..a banished HIT silenced and forgotten; but seeking to be remembered and heard.

I created a problem and now that problem doesn't heed my solutions.

I am both strong and emotional.

I am stupid and intelligent.

I am happy yet sad.

I am complex yet simple.

I am strong yet fearful.

There are no expectations within the expectations.


In this Duel of Fates I will:

Have to make war with a General to create peace

Shrink in order to expand

Cry in order to smile.

Kneel in order to stand

Stand Still in order to move.


In this Duel of Fates I will have to either accept Jah or the Sun.

In this Duel of Fates......

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
7-29-2009
12:06AM

The Sun of the Mourning Pt.2:Knowledge and Wisdom

"But he got a righteous cause for sinning"~ Jay Z

My hands wouldn't stop shaking as I raced home, ashamed of my actions but even more surprised that I just did the unthinkable. It was the hardest ride I've ever taken, probably harder than that lonely ride home I took on April 4th; this ride was made worse because I had violated my honor code and word. Making it home was an act of Jah, a miracle, because not only did I have to fight the urge to throw up, I also had to fight a dizziness and darkness slowly overtaking me.

I pulled up in front of my house barely able to contain the bitter vomit filling my throat and mouth. As I opened the door everything I've ever eaten came up with a fury brought on by a sense of illness only a man like me could muster at a time like this. I catch my breath for a moment and I throw up again. And again. And again; each time shaking my body and hurting my stomach and throat.

Finally I got a reprieve, and I was able to compose myself long enough to get out, lock up the car and walk to the house. I make it to the door when the vomiting spells came again and I rush to my back yard dropping to my knees. This time my throwing up spells are compounded by tears flowing from my eyes, now adding the bitter taste of salt to the bile filling my mouth. I see the reflection of myself in a small puddle of water. I can't make out the image; I just see the dark silhouette of a man who had just broke one of his own commandments and now had to add that to the laundry list of things to haunt his soul.

As I try to gain composure of my body I felt hot, I felt dizzy and then I felt the darkness embrace me and calm me. I shook my head in disbelief because I knew this feeling; I knew who this was and what he wanted and this time I was afraid I may not be strong enough to fight him off. He was coming to collect on our agreement made at our first meeting.

He walked up to me right as I started throwing up, my vomit landing on his shoes. I try to turn away but can't. Oddly enough he doesn't get angry.

"Wow. These are my favorite Tims. How you gone throw up on them?" he asks matter of factly.

"My bad. Upset stomach" I respond wiping my mouth.

"Not a problem Mr. Thomas." he answers, motioning towards his shoes and erasing the nastiness like an erase on a pencil. Somehow he manages to sound like the only person to call me what without sounding like that person. It's as if he is running his nails on a chalkboard.

"Been a while since I've seen you. Last time we meet you were here..." and he pauses...his voice caring a sense of snarky irony "in almost the same state lamenting the same problem. Wow. How is that for progress?"

"Fuck you" I say struggling to get up.

"No don't fuck me. I ain't the one you wanna fuck" he says. His voice full of arrogance and crude humor.

I look him in my eye and there he stands. A mirror image of me, wearing a Black button up shirt, dark jeans and Timberland's with the sharpest haircut I've seen ever.

He's also eating a golden apple and holding a bottle of water.

"Looks like you've lost a ton of fluids. You wanna bite?" as he extends his apple to me.

"You know I don't want that shit" I say my anger boiling.

"You sure. You could use it." he pushes it towards me. This time I slowly accept it and take a bite. "Heh. That apple has gotten so many people in trouble. Folks always wanna know."

I realize that I have taken a bite of the apple that destroyed paradise, the fruit of knowledge, a bit of spiritual irony because the acquisition of knowledge (or non acquisition) at the wrong time can destroy paradise. I spit it out.

"Such theatrics. Don't be so gay. Don't you want to know?" He asks.

"No. I don't." I say as I struggle to sit on the stairs. He walks up to me and touches my cheek.

It's a familiar touch one that gives me shivers but is so uncomfortable coming from him.

"You are such a fucking liar. If you didn't want to know you wouldn't have________________. I mean wow. I expected such a thing from that lil general of yours, but your the Prime Minister. Wow!". Of course he puts "Prime Minister" in air quotes to add an effect. Shaking his head he continues. "It's only natural to want to know. I mean you're locked out. I've seen her. I'd wanna know who was touching that skin too. I assure you he's having fun."

"That's Wei Yan logic...." I say.

"And she's your mirror image" he chimes in and cuts me off. "You use the same logic too accept maybe you're a bit more.....grounded. Maybe."

I growl at him. " I am nothing like her. There are similarities yes. We're similar but NOT the same. She's crazy." I answer.

He cuts me off again. "No she's brilliant and she understands that these rules you've built are tired defense mechanisms of a man who truly wants to cut lose. Unlike you, for all your bravado, she is prepared to do what must be done." Then he laughs and adds "The student has out mastered the teacher."

Enraged I swing at him, but unlike our first encounter he doens't allow me to touch him. He easily deflects my sloppy punch by grabbing my hand and brings me to my knees.

"I tire of this T. You're not Jacob. You don't get to contend with this angel and live. Why can't you be honest?" he asks applying more and more pressure with each syllable.

Barely able to talk from the pain I try to formulate an answer "I have an honor code and rules. You don't break the rules". It feels like my hand is going to explode.

"Really? Interesting." he says as he loosens his grip. Suddenly he taps into my latent gift "The world without time" and he transports me to the moment when I send the Facebook message. "Where were the rules then?" He asks. I try to knock on the window and speak and tell that fool in the car to stop. But I can't. I can only cry as I watch him hit send. I close my eyes and suddenly I'm on her porch, anger in her eyes and she won't listen. I try to step up and intervene but I cant move. I watch the young man leave the porch dejected, knowing he has no idea of what is to come.

He let's my hand go. I am sitting on the ground crying now.

"Where were the rules and that prepared mind then Mr. Thomas?"

I muster enough to say "Fuck you! You don't get to call me that"

"Ah Fuck me? Like he's doing her?" he asks. Then he leans closer "I wonder what she calls him?"

With a quickness I never experienced I am able to gain balance and I get one good kick into his ribs and it stuns him nothing more. He laughs.

"Excellent T. Excellent T! Now let's use this for some real shit. You owe me a test. You think you ready for it. Same terms apply."

"I catch my breath and I sigh. "Yes. I've been ready. You didn't follow up."

"You think I'm going to tell you when I am gonna test you? Nah that would make this Duel of Fates shit soooooo pointless. Oh by the way you have a message on BH2."

I look down at my phone and there is a message. I open it and it's a blog.

With as much cruelty he can muster he asks me "Still think you gonna get YOUR file review?"

I close my eyes and end the message. I say to him "whenever you're ready."

He laughs again...this time his voice like crush glass. "Nah. You need sleep" His laughter and my slumping on the stairs are the last thing I awaken an hour later sweaty and stinking of vomit.

Drained, ashamed, sad and dejected I go in the house, take a long shower and lay in the bed. I'm tired. I am. I haven't had a bad day like this in a month or so and his visit only made it worse. I close my eyes and try to get some sleep, but I can't. In the early stages of the Duel of Fates I have lost a friend and I will sense there will be more loses to come. He also makes sense. The probability of my file review is low, and if past is prologue and a blueprint it may not bode well even if I did. This is not the reconciliation of opposites I have envisioned.

I toss and turn for a moment when my phone beeps and I get a text message. It simply reads "Don't read to much into the blog T. I know you. In your Duel of Fates things will seem like something they are not. Just keep praying to Jah for discernment and how to handle these trying times. The best preparation is to not to focus on being prepared. With love M_________"

I close my eyes and say a prayer to Jehovah. That message was right on time. It was honest. It was his gift to me; a reminder of how to act in these moments that will surely happen again. I will need him during this Duel of Fates.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

4-28-2009

12:01pm

Yet ANOTHER Weekend Update.....

Sup Snarky Mofo Reading this...

100th Post:
With the "Past as Prologue" post, Straight, No Chaser reached its 100th blog. Man that's incredible when you consider that before October of 2008, I rarely touched this thing, not because I wasn't writing but because I posted most of my work on Myspace. As I begin to tire of Myspace, I moved my work over here and have gotten love and support that you couldn't imagine. Thank you.

This blog is my heart. It is my written testament of my life, legacy, journeys and battles. Together we survived a lot, most recently the Love Supreme Crisis. Thank you dearly for walking with me. With out question this is probably the most accurate gauge of where I am mentally. Indeed, you wanna know what's on my head and heart Straight, No Chaser is a damn good insight.

Someone near and dear to my heart told me I do my best writing when I am angry or in pain. I see that is true because in this year alone I've logged 78 posts (half of that in the first month of the crisis) in 2009. I want to work on that because while I do my best work when I am carrying a lot, I don't want (and never intended it to be) Straight, No Chaser to be a testament to sadness and pain, but rather life, love, and growth.

Hi Ho Hi Ho its off to work I go:
Yes I am back in the workforce as a case manager for a service provider hub here in Chicago. Although a temporary assignment with room to grow (and grow I shall) it feels so good to be back doing what I love: serving the people. It is a wonderful feeling to know you've impacted or tried to impact on a person's life; to know my words my have had and made a difference. As I said in an earlier post and will further clarify in a later one...I am through with side gigs just to say I have one. The last non field related gig I had helped push me to the edge and I am not doing that again. It's social service/education or bust for me. Real talk.



The Blackberry 8900:
I FINALLY got my phone. I am the PROUD owner of the Blackberry 8900! Thank you Jehovah! First he blesses me with the aforementioned new job, then he gives me the phone? For real? Man I need to study harder. Admittedly I broke the bank on the 8900, affectionately known as Black Heroin 2 (BH2) but you know what it was worth it. BH2 has a sleek design, a 3.2 mega pixel camera, updated applications, 5 hr talk time battery sweet Black Jesus this phone is great. I sleep with it and wipe it with a cloth daily. I have retired my old one, giving it a well deserved rest. It did me well. It really did.



Rebuilding:
It is what is supposed to be slow, carefully and difficult. I wouldn't want it any other way. Those whose files are under review are being done so with an open heart, prayer, and fairness. Those who I need to reconcile with have been reconciled. BFL09 still runs shit. And those who I seek to reconcile with must allow me the moment to do so. These intellectual and moral complications aside everything should be up and running at peak efficiency by end of September or early mid October...which would be utterly ironic.


Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc.
*sigh* First we making Betas, then we accept Bill Clinton and Al Sharpton as honorary members? This is their reward for standing in the way of history...as anti Obamaites? We reward them with our letters...and niggaz wonder why I rep the BFL and not the PBS. Help me Black Jesus.


Random Thought:
Does Bambi miss Thumper now they are in different parts of the forest?








My Birthday:
Since baptism probably will happen this winter I have decided to have my first and only birthday party of my life. If we're friends on Facebook you'll find it there. If not then it will more than likely be on August 8th at the Green Dolphin. I am looking to make it a color party. Any suggestions? It's funny when I think about a conversation I had last year with one of My Minister of the Interior: 33 was a defining year for me. Indeed.



Aight, with that I am gonna lay it down. The next blog "Duel of Fates" should be up by Friday.

Happy Monday Blogspot!

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
7-20-2009
1:25am

Mirror, Mirror

"Jim, I just watched my planet get destroyed.
I am emotionally compromised."
~ Old Spock to Kirk regarding his alternate self.

"If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything" ~Malcolm X

"We will never surrender." ~Winston Churchill

Part of the difficulties I am having during the "Love Supreme" crisis is my inability to make accurate command decisions or tactical maneuvers. In large part, I have become emotionally compromised and thus often created more problems than I am able to resolve because this emotional compromise often made me have conflicting, fluctuating policies. In an emotional moment I would agree to "A", then a day or so later removed my intellect and honor code would kick in and I would have to reverse that policy or agreement to "B". Or I would say "no" only to realize the logical answer would have been to say "yes".

Needless to say this gives the appearance of total instability and makes it hard to honor what you say or take serious your word. Once this happen you've effectively lost the ability to command....the situation, respect, or anything else. I'll explain this further a bit later in another blog.

But this morning's topic isn't about so much policy reversals as it is about knowing when as, Kenny Rogers so eloquently sung "knowing when to fold them"; it is about in the wisdom found in "The 36 Stratagems of Ancient China" to retreat when necessary for survival. What was about me that when faced with what is clearly going to be a Kobayashi Muru situation, I refuse to fall back. It's not just my love life that I've done this, it has also occurred in my academic career (as evident by lower grades from insulted professors) my professional career (as indicated by the zillion write ups and occasional shit canning), and was present in my earlier aborted walk to Jehovah (as evidenced by my rebellious nature hindering my advancement). In simpler terms, what is it about me that once I believe I have the moral high ground, I lose the ability to "shut the fuck up" and will continue with my "struggle"? What is it about me where I'd win the argument but lose the war. Why do I need to be heard, even when being heard may not be the best policy course. I struggled with understanding; as water seeks its own level, I knew there would be at least two people in my life who shared this same virtue or flaw.

One was my mother. She doesn't know WHEN to shut up. She is going to prove her point and be right even if it means she's the only one in the room once she's done. I asked her why, and she admitted freely this could be seen as a character flaw. But she also, as I expected, stated that her dedication to Jehovah was as such that she had to speak truth to power, like Jesus did; as one of his follower's she couldn't hide from the her responsibility to be as truthful as humanly possible and not pull punches, esp among friends and family. She reasoned if you can't speak honestly to your loved ones then who can you be honest with? Fair enough. But mom's reason isn't exactly mine, I'm nowhere the spiritual creature she is. So I searched again and then I found the one person who's skill set mirrored mine, whose temperament mirrored mine, and who in the face of obvious defeat fought tooth and nail to be heard, even if it meant losing it all.

I needed to talk to Ret. Gen. Wei Yan.

I invited her to the park to sit and talk with me. We've had a fragile peace since I found out she wasn't the blog vandal and her alibis regarding some other actions checked out. I still consider her a great friend and at one time she was the best solider on the team. However, our relationship is strained, there is an aura of distrust and anger; condescension and arrogance. But even through all of this, she does have an excellent handle on my thought process and if I thought she wouldn't kill me at the first chance I'd actually have her as my number one. She is my mirror image.


As she walked to the bench we exchanged smiles and sat down. I had been reading my Watchtower and she wanted to make sure I wasn't trying to convert her. Once I assured her it wasn't I asked her a simple and direct question:

"General, why do we fight?"

She sat there and laughed. "We fight because we're right. We fight for what we believe in. We fight because not to fight is cowardice and we aren't cowards. We may lose, but we can sleep well knowing that we gave as good as we got, we didn't walk away or run. We stood our ground. "

I sat there taking it all in. It made sense. So I asked "Does that apply to love?" General made a face that can only be described as "what the fuck" and said "It definitely applies to that. I realize that I wont be your woman, but I fought the good fight and I'm at peace. We're friends, good friends even if you wont admit it. I fought for what I believed in and I'm OK with that."

"But now you're in my shoes. You have to decide for yourself if this fight has been worth it. My fight was. I can't advise you on this. Conflict of interest. Just remember Prime Minister that sometimes its a matter of Principle. It's the principle we stand on. You used to stand out because you had that honor code, you stood on principle, you didn't betray your beliefs for a greater good. But sadly you've allowed this situation and your beloved BFL to make you forget that. I know it got tiresome being the only one standing, the only one fighting but that made you sexy. That made you different from all these niggaz out here. You used to be THE man and A man."

I sat back. "That's ego talking General, because you lost." She smirked and retorted "According to my Intel so have you. Now who's operating on ego?" I smiled. She's a snarky mofo indeed. "Of course you're going to second guess me. You never approved of me and Queen. You never knelled before the throne." She leaned forward and said "No, you've spent the past two months second guessing yourself. Outside of my intel I read your well written, snarky blogs. And I no, I wont kneel EVER. It's the principle of the matter. I assure you, if or when she gets her a new boo you wont kneel either PM. " She laughed. "It's good we're having this convo. It means you're thinking again. I'm glad you're almost back to your old self. I wish I could say good luck. I'll just say be careful. "

She got up to walk away. I walked her to her apt and we shared a few laughs and ate some Mexican corn. I told my mirror image that she IS a good friend and I appreciated her talking to me. (Forgiveness is truly a Christan concept and liberating. I'll remember that.) As we hugged she whispered something I used to live by, but somehow forgotten:

"Terrance, there IS NO greater weapon than a prepared mind. Then she stepped back and added or spirit. See ya in the funny papers."

As I walked home, thinking clearer, less emotion and more intellect I begin to critically analyze the past two months, each time removing more and more emotion. Thabiti, my friend was correct the other day....it does get clearer with each passing day.

Who would have thought all I had to do was look in the mirror.

I didn't.

I gotta start my morning walk.

Enjoy the day blogspot and snarky mofo's reading this....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-25-2009
5:28am

The Weekend Update...and its ONLY Sunday.

Quick hits:

Doing the damn thing..........

Despite not being able (or rather unwilling) to focus and study, I managed to pass my basic skills exam which enables me to now pursue in earnest teaching opportunities. I am excited about this recent development in my life as I have longed to teach but was both too lazy and afraid to get off my arse and make it so. Heh. Can you imagine me molding young minds?

I can too.

Celebrations........

Much love to my familia BFL09 for the celebration last night. What started as a game night ended up being a party throw in my favor and even some old school mofos came through and made it special. Despite the difficulties that was April and the "Love Supreme" crisis, you all have shown the true meaning of friendships and even when I made it hard stood by me. Again I love you all so much.

Diamonds.are.forever...and so is my BFL.

Spiritual Progress........

My walk to Jehovah is going smoothly, must different than before. I am (trying to) inculcate (Det 6:4-9) the lessons, I keep on knocking and seeking (Mat 7:7) because more than anything else this is the most important journey I've gone on. All things being equal I should be baptised by the fall or at the latest by years end. I truly await this new chapter in my life.

A Lil Short.....

After three weeks I deep sixed my cleanse. While I am going to continue the colon cleansing aspect, the no drinking/eating only fish went straight out the window in large part thanks to the aforementioned celebration we had last night and in large part to my alcoholic gene. In spite coming up almost three weeks short I am proud that I managed to complete the time I did, as I was often chastised for not having given up anything...well never mind. I did well. Good job TLT.

Captain, there is another Bird of Prey de-cloaking off starboard.....

Just when I thought I whupped one challenge I learn something new and find out a truth that is gonna shake up some shit. While I am not ready to reveal this yet, all I can say is I need to make sure I'm at peak efficiency because this sumabitch I'm drop will not be for the weak. Enough of that...

~Fin

All right blogspot and snarky mofo reading this, I need to get ready for the Hall, shake off the lingering effects of a night full of Black Russians and ready my sons for fahter-son activities.

Enjoy your day and the sun...

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-24-2009
10:31am

Another Simple Truth...But then again isnt the truth always so simple?

A beautiful song I took time to truly listened to for the first time.....

When It Hurts ~Avant.

Can you take me telling you the truth
When I know the situation is shadiest
But my girl, will you...
Believe when I say I knew that you be tripping

So I slept out in my ride in the driveway
So before we get into the things that we shouldn't do
Imma need your undivided attention
Cause it's fantasies and reality
Baby which one are we living in, oh

When it hurts, will we still be
The same two lovers
All over each other
When it hurts, will we still see
What we got together
Promise that we'll never
Never ever be
Temporary (Not Another)
Ordinary (Uh uh)
We should change people's definition of love
So forget what you heard
The only way that this will work
Is if you love me when it hurts
Can you love me when it hurts

I don't wanna blend in
With every other relationship that be falling in and out girl (Not us)
I knew that I tripped
Cause every time we argued
I think about having someone on the side girl

So before we get into the things that we shouldn't do
I'm a need your undivided attention
Cause it's fantasies and reality
Baby which one are we living in, oh

When it hurts, will we still be
The same two lovers
All over each other
When it hurts, will we still see
What we got together
Promise that we'll never
Never ever be
Temporary (Not Another)
Ordinary (Nuh uh)
We should change people's definition of love
So forget what you heard
The only way that this will work
You gotta love me when it hurts

Babygirl we gotta face it
There'll be times that we let each other down
And on the days that you ain't feeling me
Will you be able to stick around
Cause anything worth having's worth fighting for
If we really want this thing to work
We gotta go to war
Girl, I'm in this thing
I mean really in this thing
But through the tears will you still be here

When it hurts, will we still be
The same two lovers
All over each other
When it hurts, will we still see
What we got together
Promise that we'll never
Never ever be
Temporary (Not Another)
Ordinary (Nuh uh)
I wanna change people's definition of love
So forget what you heard
Cause the only way that this will work
Is if you love me when it hurts (When it hurts)

When it hurts (When it hurts)
Do you love me when it hurts
Girl when it hurts (When it hurts)
When it hurts (When it hurts)
Do you love me when it hurts
When it hurts (When it hurts)
When it hurts (When it hurts)
Do you love me when it hurts
When it hurts (When it hurts)
When it hurts (When it hurts)
Will you love me when it hurts

Straight, No Chaser,
TLT
5-21-2009
9:49pm

A Love Supreme Pt. 2: Voices

"I hear voices in my head, they come to me, they understand...they talk to me" ~Randy Orton

"The lonely loner seems to free his mind at night"~Kid Cudi

"Sometimes It feels like Everything Is passin' me by... My ship has gone and sailed away" ~K Jon

I am not sure if I was sleep or awake. It all seemed so real. I believe the term is lucid (thanks Dre). I was washing dishes, singing to myself and I heard a familiar voice, one that I have come to love and adore asking me "Are you OK Mr. Thomas?" I turn around and see her standing there..locs back and smiling. I hear the boys in the room playing. I move to touch her and nothing happens.

Phone beeps. An email. I hear the young sun say my name. I respond.

Nothing. Phone buzzes. I pick it hoping for the best. Unknown Caller.

Not quite a nightmare. A lucid dream. A few steps from a nightmare.

Night 6. I've eaten, I'm out of vodka and like that Lenny Williams song where he "Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh" for about 6 minutes I'm tired of my video games and books. I cant stand the radio, because it seems all they banter about is that dumb ass Steve Harvey book or remedial concepts on love.

God I'd kill for some vodka.

I got up out of my bed and walked to the bathroom. My mother was on the computer doing her bible study when she asked "another nightmare". I told her no, that the nightmares haven't returned and she said nodded in approval. She asked me to come listen to a talk by one of the Brothers at the Hall on relationships. It is a good talk. I'll use some of it in a later blog.

I realize at this point I am not "heartbroken". I am not "crushed" but rather sad and disappointed. I am sad and disappointed that it wouldn't click or rather we lacked discernment to make it click. I'm disappointed that I still struggle with arrogance and intellectual coyness.

I AM worried and nervous; worried that I am already forgotten and nervous that I will never get that chance again. I know in my heart this is what I want but honestly the days of uber depression are gone, well gone when it comes to matters of the heart. Yeah I may sleep a few days to clear my head, maybe mope but nobody else will send me to the hospital. This revelation makes me smile.

Yet, I hear voices...I kept hearing "Mr. Thomas" and it does make me long. It does make me want to hug her and look at her. I miss our banter, our convo. I realize its just been a week or so, but when you have someone like that...their divine presence is easily missed. I keep hearing the laughter of children.

I also hear voices..telling me that this was too hard and the simple solution, the easiest solution is to forget about the past six months and return to a place of comfort. A seductive offer, but while it may be the quicker path, it is not the best path.

I keep hearing voices that tell me that not to worry. Every great dynamic had its bumps. Even Michelle had to call Barack to the fire; its arrogant to think I would be different.

Voices...They come to me...they understand...

I am lonely right now and I believe that is complicating matters. Well I have chosen isolation because I hate platitudes. I hate the other fish in the sea speech. I hate the it will get better speech. I hate keep your head up etc all from people hugged up and giddy.

In a sense I lost my best friend or rather am distanced from it and it hurts ya know. I was able to think..well about everything except us. Things were clear...except with us...friggin irony and well...I miss playing in her locs.

In a way I thank Jah for the other challenges: my suns school situation, me trying to build the resources to move, AUSL, all that. It keeps me focused. But in the moments between moments I realize that I am missing that piece.

Yeah K Jon I am out there on the ocean....and I cant swim. Ain't that a bitch.

Who gets up at three am and thinks of shit like this. A Lonely loner.

Its funny those songs would play first on my computer. They describe it too a "T".

I pull up the poem by Langston Hughes "A Dream Deferred":



What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?
Good question, Langston good question.

Or does it really matter. Bane would argue "Dreams are lies we tell ourselves when we sleep"

Stevie says "Dreams do come true."


Iono. All this thinking got my head hurting and I gotta drive two snarky kids to school in the am.

I'm try to sleep now...but still...I hear voices...trying to free my mind at night...out there on the ocean.

Heh. God I'm good with a lyrical blade.

That makes me smile.
Still...

I miss her and little sun. I do.

Rest easy blogspot.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-09-2009
3:36AM (written)
(posted 10:07am damn wow cable.)

The 2008 Awards

"The Jokes write themselves" ~Soror Sage

Before I announce the 2008 MVP, the one friend who stood above all the rest and helped me in ways no other could, I would like to send a few shout outs to the people and moment who made this year laughable, fucked up, interesting, etc. These are the highlights and low lights of 2008. Enjoy

Gayest Myspace Moment: (TIE) Terrance and Devin.

My brother Devin getting a message from some dude calling himself "Sexyboo". It worst than delicious, it worst than some random instant message, its just gay.

The other one goes to me, for adding random people for my game applications without checking profiles and discovering some of these doods were apart of National Homo Associations, advocating gay park sex and a bunch of other stuff. Indeed, I was totally shocked.

Kindest Act: Shannon Burns

After discovering my boy was giving my then Executive Assistant the Jim Dean, I was floored. His not giving a fuck and her betrayal really put me in a fucked up mood. Of course all of this went down 48hrs before my birthday. Without any plans and seemingly no one to talk to, a friend took me to dinner at 10:30pm just so I can have a birthday event.

Best Gift: The XBOX 360

As I said in an earlier blog, I was a broke ass in the early part of this year. Being Mr. Mom and having for a time no social life made me revert back to the primal stage. So I get the brilliant idea to buy me a next gen console for my birthday. But there was one small problem; I had a very limited income. So I went to several members of my online family and requested instead of the usual bottles of vodka they would usually send each person donate 50 dollars to my pay pal account. While most of my online fam scoffed at the notion, enough did put on so I could get my my Xbox360. I truly appreciated this.

Best Evening: (TIE: My Birthday, the Friday Night Ride and the Four Hour drinking session)

As I stated earlier my birthday was totally wrecked and I had planned on sitting in the house drinking and crying. However Baby Mama, lil Sister Janae, Brina D, and my boy Jarmelle all decided that was wack and put in to take me to Dave and Busters. The ensuing comedy, my Avon Barksdale impersonations and winning the shake maker made this a night to remember.

The Friday Night Ride and the Four Hour Drinking sessions are [CLASSIFIED: S3 or Emperor's Eyes Only]. Sorry bout that. Just know it won.

Biggest Flop: Baby Mama's sister.

She was supposed to come up here when baby mama's mother got sick and help out. When grandma (as the kids called her) died she was supposed to provide a stable backup and relief system for babymama. She was supposed to be a big sister. Instead she turned out to be the most negative, simple minded slack jawed yokel on the planet. From running the air 24-7, to sitting in the dark 24-7 and watching CSI, to sitting on my space 24-7 to eating 6 months of groceries in 4 hrs to running up the phone bills to one hundred thousand trillion she was just ugh. A kinder me would call her uncivilized and depressed. A less kind me would call her a sponge and a hobo. Guess which Terrance is typing this? Right. Fucking sponge

Most Perseverance: Baby Mama.

Anybody who loses both their Father and Mother in a span of six months, deal with the planning of memorial services, deal with a hardheaded baby daddy, and deal with a fucking sponge of a sister and endures a whole host of comedic characters wins this one hands down. She truly has not even had time to mourn her loses. She met each challenge well and I'm proud she is the mother of my children and a friend. Good shit Rhonda, good shit.

Best Vacation: (TIE: State of the Black World and The BMW Meet and Greet)

It was a wonderful experience visiting New Orleans, seeing the Aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, looking at the rebuilding and hanging out with Maisha and Dan. It was also a classic moment when we went to the National Obama Hater Convention that was the Tavis Smiley State of the Black Union Convention. I guess my time at OH and its intellectual strength spoiled me, because there was nothing of substance of value to be found there. I'm glad Dick Gregory checked them ape coons. For real. I'm even happier Obama won. Made all them haters look stupid. We see you. Hi Haters.

The Meet and Greet was a gift from a friend and I can tell you it was one for the record books. I swear to Black Jesus its one thing to get to know someone on the net, but to party with them in person, LAWD. I'm still dying to get back to that B Smith Sunday Brunch. What a day.

Best Professional Moment: Presenting at the National Council on Black Studies Conference.

That was a weekend to remember. My Emperor was honored, I went big time and we both got mad love. Its moments like that make me appreciate him and Black Studies

Biggest Regret: The Text Message.

A trial in both patience and arrogance. I am wondering if I will ever recover from that.

The Nigga I learned to Listen to: Andre C Russell.

He warned me. He told me. I didn't listen and got burned. You'd think with all the history we have, with him being my boy I'd listened Dre. But nooo. I'm the "Prime Minister" I'm "smarter" than everybody. No I was an ass. From the facebook and myspace status messages to leaving her alone he was right, and each time I didn't listen I shot myself in the foot. I'm a hard headed fucker. Now I need his help one mo' gin.

Fucking Nerd. I love him though.

I hope you've enjoyed a quick glance into my life. These were the times that make me, well me. By no means are they all of them, just a simple glance into what made this year special.

Year 33. An interesting time indeed.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-28-2008

5:25pm