Mirror, Mirror

"Jim, I just watched my planet get destroyed.
I am emotionally compromised."
~ Old Spock to Kirk regarding his alternate self.

"If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything" ~Malcolm X

"We will never surrender." ~Winston Churchill

Part of the difficulties I am having during the "Love Supreme" crisis is my inability to make accurate command decisions or tactical maneuvers. In large part, I have become emotionally compromised and thus often created more problems than I am able to resolve because this emotional compromise often made me have conflicting, fluctuating policies. In an emotional moment I would agree to "A", then a day or so later removed my intellect and honor code would kick in and I would have to reverse that policy or agreement to "B". Or I would say "no" only to realize the logical answer would have been to say "yes".

Needless to say this gives the appearance of total instability and makes it hard to honor what you say or take serious your word. Once this happen you've effectively lost the ability to command....the situation, respect, or anything else. I'll explain this further a bit later in another blog.

But this morning's topic isn't about so much policy reversals as it is about knowing when as, Kenny Rogers so eloquently sung "knowing when to fold them"; it is about in the wisdom found in "The 36 Stratagems of Ancient China" to retreat when necessary for survival. What was about me that when faced with what is clearly going to be a Kobayashi Muru situation, I refuse to fall back. It's not just my love life that I've done this, it has also occurred in my academic career (as evident by lower grades from insulted professors) my professional career (as indicated by the zillion write ups and occasional shit canning), and was present in my earlier aborted walk to Jehovah (as evidenced by my rebellious nature hindering my advancement). In simpler terms, what is it about me that once I believe I have the moral high ground, I lose the ability to "shut the fuck up" and will continue with my "struggle"? What is it about me where I'd win the argument but lose the war. Why do I need to be heard, even when being heard may not be the best policy course. I struggled with understanding; as water seeks its own level, I knew there would be at least two people in my life who shared this same virtue or flaw.

One was my mother. She doesn't know WHEN to shut up. She is going to prove her point and be right even if it means she's the only one in the room once she's done. I asked her why, and she admitted freely this could be seen as a character flaw. But she also, as I expected, stated that her dedication to Jehovah was as such that she had to speak truth to power, like Jesus did; as one of his follower's she couldn't hide from the her responsibility to be as truthful as humanly possible and not pull punches, esp among friends and family. She reasoned if you can't speak honestly to your loved ones then who can you be honest with? Fair enough. But mom's reason isn't exactly mine, I'm nowhere the spiritual creature she is. So I searched again and then I found the one person who's skill set mirrored mine, whose temperament mirrored mine, and who in the face of obvious defeat fought tooth and nail to be heard, even if it meant losing it all.

I needed to talk to Ret. Gen. Wei Yan.

I invited her to the park to sit and talk with me. We've had a fragile peace since I found out she wasn't the blog vandal and her alibis regarding some other actions checked out. I still consider her a great friend and at one time she was the best solider on the team. However, our relationship is strained, there is an aura of distrust and anger; condescension and arrogance. But even through all of this, she does have an excellent handle on my thought process and if I thought she wouldn't kill me at the first chance I'd actually have her as my number one. She is my mirror image.


As she walked to the bench we exchanged smiles and sat down. I had been reading my Watchtower and she wanted to make sure I wasn't trying to convert her. Once I assured her it wasn't I asked her a simple and direct question:

"General, why do we fight?"

She sat there and laughed. "We fight because we're right. We fight for what we believe in. We fight because not to fight is cowardice and we aren't cowards. We may lose, but we can sleep well knowing that we gave as good as we got, we didn't walk away or run. We stood our ground. "

I sat there taking it all in. It made sense. So I asked "Does that apply to love?" General made a face that can only be described as "what the fuck" and said "It definitely applies to that. I realize that I wont be your woman, but I fought the good fight and I'm at peace. We're friends, good friends even if you wont admit it. I fought for what I believed in and I'm OK with that."

"But now you're in my shoes. You have to decide for yourself if this fight has been worth it. My fight was. I can't advise you on this. Conflict of interest. Just remember Prime Minister that sometimes its a matter of Principle. It's the principle we stand on. You used to stand out because you had that honor code, you stood on principle, you didn't betray your beliefs for a greater good. But sadly you've allowed this situation and your beloved BFL to make you forget that. I know it got tiresome being the only one standing, the only one fighting but that made you sexy. That made you different from all these niggaz out here. You used to be THE man and A man."

I sat back. "That's ego talking General, because you lost." She smirked and retorted "According to my Intel so have you. Now who's operating on ego?" I smiled. She's a snarky mofo indeed. "Of course you're going to second guess me. You never approved of me and Queen. You never knelled before the throne." She leaned forward and said "No, you've spent the past two months second guessing yourself. Outside of my intel I read your well written, snarky blogs. And I no, I wont kneel EVER. It's the principle of the matter. I assure you, if or when she gets her a new boo you wont kneel either PM. " She laughed. "It's good we're having this convo. It means you're thinking again. I'm glad you're almost back to your old self. I wish I could say good luck. I'll just say be careful. "

She got up to walk away. I walked her to her apt and we shared a few laughs and ate some Mexican corn. I told my mirror image that she IS a good friend and I appreciated her talking to me. (Forgiveness is truly a Christan concept and liberating. I'll remember that.) As we hugged she whispered something I used to live by, but somehow forgotten:

"Terrance, there IS NO greater weapon than a prepared mind. Then she stepped back and added or spirit. See ya in the funny papers."

As I walked home, thinking clearer, less emotion and more intellect I begin to critically analyze the past two months, each time removing more and more emotion. Thabiti, my friend was correct the other day....it does get clearer with each passing day.

Who would have thought all I had to do was look in the mirror.

I didn't.

I gotta start my morning walk.

Enjoy the day blogspot and snarky mofo's reading this....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-25-2009
5:28am