Anointed

“Now he was a ruddy, a young man with beautiful eyes and handsome in appearance.
Then Jehovah said “Get up, anoint him, for this is he!”

~ 1st Samuel 16:12

One of my favorite bible stories is the story of King David. I love the account of David, esp. his ascension to the throne because I truly empathize and even understand what its like to be anointed, but have to wait to be installed as King. I can truly feel his pain as he watches Saul muck up totally, but he can’t act because technically Saul is still the King chosen by Jah. It had to suck all those years.

Wait, you don’t know what I’m talking about? So not only are you a snarky mofo reading this you’re a heathen too? Sheesh.

Ok…here’s a quick back story.

Back in the day Israel was ruled by judges, men and women who over saw them, sorta like a congress, but more biblical like. Well one morning the Israelites get the brilliant idea that judges suck, and want to be ruled by one man, a king. So Jah sends his prophet Samuel to select a King, and Samuel selects a young man named Saul. Saul of course was the best of the best at this point.

Well as things go, Saul gets big headed or goes crazy (depending on who you ask) and pisses Jah off real good. So Jah tells Saul that he’s gonna take his kingdom one day and give it to someone more worthy. Jah instructs Samuel to go select another and Samuel anoints David as King. Of course David, despite being anointed and much better than Saul can’t take over yet. So basically David has to sit on the sidelines and wait, all while doing wonderful things for the country like killing Goliath and playing Saul’s right hand man. Saul, now officially in hating mode, tries to kill David. But instead of whacking Saul, David flees and waits until his time. Saul ultimately kills himself while in battle, and then David has to whup on the last of his sons to FINALLY get what was promised to him.

*sigh* I know how David felt. I was anointed and had to wait for “Saul” to finally be removed. It is an arduous process indeed.

But eventually David did become king, and what a king he made.
Well at least till he had dude killed. That was dirty, but other than that he was good.

So now, few thousand years later like King David before me, I can finally take my throne, (after being anointed two years ago). I can finally have what was ordained to be mine, to build with and love.

I AM NOW KING.

This is a most beautiful kingdom, it is everything I imagined. It truly tantalizes every fucking sense I have. Its almost overwhelming if it weren’t so serene.

This must be a dream.

No, not a dream. This is happiness right here.

I sit down on my throne and relax. For the first time in my life I have not a care in the world.

Well there probably are cares, but who cares. I’m trying to get my BP down.

I know there are enemies.

But I will no longer seek them out

I know there are naysayer’s

But I will not let their words dilute me.

I will simply be the King, one day at a time, one challenge at a time one moment at a time.

Let me stress this point again: while there are challenges, some of the necessary, some of them present due immaturity and ignorance I will not concrete on them.

My mental health and blood pressure demands that I don’t.

I’ve waited and worked a long time to be here. I’ve overcome challenges and ghosts. I’ve over come internal and external doubt.

This is my world to make and make it I shall.

I stand at the balcony and look at all that is now mine to have, hold, love and protect. I don’t smile, not yet. I close my eyes and breathe in. I nod and enjoy the fact that I was the Soul Survivor, the one who stands above all the rest and was chosen.

I walk through the halls, and against I look at the murals of the Kings before me, all good men I’m sure but I am better than each one of them. I am something they are not.

This realization makes me smile. The people don’t see it yet, but they most certainly will.

I sit on my throne and drink my vodka.

I close my eyes and enjoy my new station.

I AM KING.

And will be for a long time…

Straight, No Chaser
2-14-2009
12:01AM

Balance of Power

With Great Power comes greater responsibility. ~Ben Parker

Confession: I am a manipulator. I am. Sometimes it done with malicious intent and sometimes its not; however that does not escape the reality that I have manipulated people and events into my visions, agenda and ultimately my goals. Truthfully I have gotten so adept at doing it I don’t even realize when I’m doing it and it takes my loved ones to speak up and call me on it.

Confession: Up until very recently, I saw the world and the people in it as pieces of chess board. In fact, back in the day I used to have a chess board set up and would move it; each piece representing somebody and the board a goal at that particular time. Pawns, rooks, kings and queens were all present. It seems kind of silly now, but the truth is I saw the world in that manner.

Confession: I have read and studied almost every tome on the art of politics and deception. The 48 Laws of Power, The 36 Stratagems of Ancient China, The Art of War, Mastering the Art of War, The Tao Of Deception, How to win friends and influence people, In Search of Goodpussy and even The Bible. Yes overly sanctified Baptist reading this the bible is fully of ways and lessons in how to pimp the system. How else could the Apostle Paul be “all things to all men” and an Apostle to the nations? Right. Mull that over and get back to me.

Confession: I am futurist or at least try to be. By using lessons of the past, by studying the present I try to seek out and find solutions to problems before they come into being, I try to predict or at least use logical conclusions, what is the next event or action in a sequence. I think this truly is a gift from Jah, and it helps me make sound judgments. I call it “The World without time”.

Confession: In fact, as evil as this sound, this has served me well it my life. It has kept me one step above enemies; it has helped me be invaluable to my loved ones. Honestly when I abandoned the use of the above mentioned lessons, I’ve gotten into the MOST trouble. This is especially true in my love life. The moment I stop looking at the dynamic in a logical sense and romanticize then all hell breaks lose.

Problem: However, being a manipulator on any level has major consequences. One even when you are acting in an altruistic manner, your words, actions and agenda is questioned. I think this was a major obstacle between me and Queen a couple of months back. She just didn’t know what the hell I was on. Another unintended side effect is generally people blame you for shit you didn’t do or even know about; in effect you become the perfect target for folk’s flaws, failures and/or every other generally bad thing that has happened to them in the past 12 months. But more importantly, what happens when your soul fills up and you can no longer stomach they way you operate? What happens when you can no longer ignore the cries and pleas of people you hurt? See I too have been an asshole in love and an asshole in general and I sleep with (although the nightmares have slowed tremendously) guilt and regret of those people and emotions I used to achieve my goals.

Recently an ex 00 of mine tried to commit suicide. While my queen and my queen mother informed me I held no responsibility for this situation a great friend of mine didn’t offer such absolution. In essence she let me know that I had used a bunch of people, she included, to keep my kingdom together until I got what I wanted and moved on to where I wanted to be. She let me know that I was responsible for this mess, insomuch that I “taught” the young lady to be manipulative and I taught her how to pull these antics; but more importantly she let me know that this young lady had every right to be angry and hurt because I tossed her away when her usefulness ran out and when my Queen came to claim her throne. She went on to offer an analogy I would understand totally: Wei Yan had snapped and become a rogue agent and I held full responsibility because I didn’t take care of her mental (or rather be mindful of it) and didn’t bring her out the field properly. While she did conceded that the choice to take ones life was her own, she wasn’t going to let me off the hook easy either.

I really thought about that. I heard the pain in her voice. I truly listened. I went back and reviewed a lot of emails and texts from folks who were hurt. I did burn a lot of people with this situation. Far too many to name.

While I will offer no apologies for choosing my Queen, while I offer no apologies on loving who I love ultimately, I will say first thank you all for what you have done. Trust me in was appreciated. I will also say that I am TRULY sorry for my methods in ending our dynamics. I could have done it a bit more tactful. More importantly, I’m sorry for treating you as political objects and not people who loved, cried and cared. I do believe part of the early struggles with me and my Queen was karma, I needed to experience if only for a moment, the pain you have (had).

*pause*

This isn’t to imply my Queen used me as a political tool, but rather to state I know the hurt and pain of wanting something you think is out of reach.

*play*

Resolved: This is why I am going through a personal Glasnost and Perestroika in my new relationship. No more master’s of the universe games. I admit its hard and its scary leaving things to chance and to Jah. My whole life I’ve had to claw and scratch and make a way out of no way and now be asked to “go wid the flow” is uttering frightening. I see why countries go crazy when they have to lower their guard and trust each other.

However, my style has not really served me well in love and friendships. I do truly crave that component. So I as much as I can, one day at a time I’m going to be honest, and open no matter the consequences. My mind is a gift from Jah, and I truly need to use it better.

Otherwise…I’ll end up like all the other great manipulators in history: alone, confused and betrayed.

And that scares me more than anything else.

TLT

Straight, No Chaser

Feb 10^th 2009

12:01am

A Simple Truth

Musiq said it best...I reprint his words here....

Half Crazy~Musiq

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
la la

Never thought that we would ever be more than friends
Now I'm all confused cause for you I have deeper feelings
We both thought it was cool to cross the line
And I was convinced it would be alright
Now things are strange, nothings the same
And really I just want my friend back

And my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (oh can't get you out of my system)
And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on (holding on)
Said my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (can't get you out of my system)
And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on (yeah)

I'd hate walk away from you as if this never existed
Cause when we kissed the moment after I looked at you different
Lately I gotta watch what I say
Cause you take things personally nowadays
You used to laugh now you get mad
Damn I just want my friend back

And my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (oh can't get you out of my system)
And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on (holding on)
Said my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (can't get you out of my system)
And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on

oh oh oh oh oh yeah
What happened to the one I used to know (oh yeah yeah)
The one I used to laugh and joke with
The one I used to tell all my secrets
We used to chill and be down for whatever whenever together yeah

And my mind's gone half crazy (oh) cause I can't leave you alone (I'm going half crazy baby)
And I'm wondering if it's worth me (oh) holding on (over you)
Said my mind's gone half crazy (yeah) cause I can't leave you alone (and I just don't know)
And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on (said I just don't know what to do now)
we used to chill (yeah) we used to hang
we used to do we used to do some many things together (yeah)
yeah yeah yeah yeah
oh oh
yeah
oh oh oh

TLT
Straight, No Chaser,
1/22/09
12:01am

Blessed are those who Struggle: Rethinking Black Love

"Blessed are those who Struggle” ~ The Last Poets

First a simple definition is in order: Post Modernism. Without getting all academic, Post Modernism can simply be defined as everything is relevant and has a place; and thus rejects the traditional values of hierarchy and importance. Most scholars consider, especially among the youth, this to be a post modern era.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading and studying on the concept of Black love these past few months, the academic side of me is trying to understand why the intuition that should be chief among us is often given the LEAST work, or baring that, so easily given up on. Recently, I’ve purchased “In this life together” by the ultimate Black Couple: The late Ossie Davis and his widow Ruby Dee. Let me assure you that only I’m only two chapters in and already I’ve learned so much about what makes a Black relationship. In conjunction with the book, I finally got a chance to finish reading this month’s Ebony Magazine with the beautiful picture of President and Mrs. Obama in an intimate pose adoring its cover. This issue, their annual Black couple issue, explores prominent Black couples and takes it one step further by exploring the impact the Obamas’ have and will have on Black relationships during this time and the post Obama era.. Normally my cynical nature wouldn’t have finished a magazine like that but since being challenged by OOM to rethink my whole “love is war formula”, I gave it a spin.

I don’t think a magazine has ever made me cry so hard as those articles. I was amazed, I was floored, and I was impressed. Most important it made me think. I realized where my formula failed.

It lacked a human component. I treated it like I was exploring “forms of governments” and didn’t explore all the way. In short it was devoid of emotion. I am not backing away from my theory that war, politics and love aren’t different. I am backing away from the notion that a purely political outlook is essential to survival.

See, in this day and age our politics aren’t flawed because for the sake of being flawed. Our politics were/ is flawed because we became apathetic or fearful. We’ve become fearful and apathetic because we think everything matters and thus there should be easy. These feelings were/are brought on by adaptations of a “Post Modern” outlook.

See, because we’ve abandoned a lot of the traditions that made us who we are, we have become in effect lazy. We love the wrong things. I’ll expound more on that in a bit, but basically we’ve forgotten how to struggle in an effort to be chic, cool, or hip. Like our politics/life we no longer want to struggle. If love is a meal then we certainly don’t want to make it from scratch, pouring in ingredients of faith, hope, love and work. Instead we want a “just add and stir” kind of life, ala a cheap cake mix and then get upset and the shitty results.

The one thing I discerned from that issue and the book is you have to fight for what you want, fight to make the relationship what it is. Now of course there are obvious expectations: an abusive mate, a crack head mate, a mate who abuses children. Those are exceptions, not the rule. I am talking about the will and desire to make it work, blend career and home, good times and bad, sickness and health. All of that requires two strong individuals, who are willing to work for a common goal. The one thing I didn’t get from my readings was a concept of ease. There was drama, there was sadness but ultimately what mattered was the team and they made it do what it do.

So how does this tie in to “Post Modernism?” It ties in because Post Modernism or as I like to call it the “Rebirth of the rebirth of Cool" has destroyed traditional hierarchies of what really matters and ultimately how do you get there.

I’ve seen people bleed, cry, and sweat for their Sorority, but not for the man they love. I’ve seen them throw in the towel on somebody they profess to care about, but will fight for the love of their org. I’ve seen men not go home to their wives, who they claim they would “die for” so they can go to the strip club with their frat brothers. I’ve seen people put money into their churches but ignore homes. I’ve seen people let those they love walk out of their life in order to appear cool, as opposed to just letting emotions and honesty guide them. I’ve seen fathers love their jobs and their abstract notions more than their kids. Shit I’ve seen it all. In short, I’ve seen Black love given up for things that will not keep you warm at night, grow old with you, raise kids with you, or even be there in ten years. I think about that last point every time I’m with my youngest son, and I wish I could get those first two years back. There isn’t even a conference any more ya know?

See, while not perfect, the elders and older Black people understood what was important. They understood hierarchy and that some shit when put up against those we love isn’t important. Old school frat boys knew when to go home, old school sorority gals knew when to say no their the sisters so they could be with the one the love. They understood you had to feed your kids before the church, they understood, as David Ruffin so smoothly let us know, that it’s OK to beg.

But we’ve forgotten that. Post Modernism has made us forget what’s important, who’s important and why. Post Modernism has made “in love” the truth, and “true love” the fallacy, and like our politics given us a faulty idea that there is an easy button. And when we press that easy button and there is no fairy tale we become jaded, and want to quit. We want to yield and then come up with a thousands reasons why.

There is no easy button. Ossie and Ruby knew that, President and Mrs. Obama knows that, Will and Jada know that, hell even fictional Back couples like Florida and James and the Black Panther and Storm know that. Love is work. It can be chaos. But you are aware dear reader that this beautiful universe and life itself comes from Chaos?

I guess I’m a little thinking about this stuff because I’m a little hurt and disappointed. I’ve been recently told by two people close to me that: “My concept of love was stuck in the 60’s” and “My persistence bothers them sometimes”.

To the first critique I say “Probably, but couples were happier then, divorce wasn’t a reality and we had a Black Family. I’d rather be stuck in the sixties than live this bullshit today." Heh, The President and First Lady got a sixties relationship ya dig. To the second critique I say “If I can be persistent about things that can’t truly love me back then why not be persistent about something that can?" I’ve spent my whole life chasing an abstract: Black Freedom. I think I can put energy into something not abstract.

I make no apologies about that. I just pray my community quickly 86’s post modernism. Perhaps the Obamas’ will show us the path.

The Last Poets once said “Blessed are those who struggle”. There is power in that statement. There is power because it is truth. I was once told nothing easy is worth having.

That applies to my health, my career and my politics.

It definitely applies to my love life.

Fuck post modernism.

I like my life, in all facets,
Straight, No Chaser.
TLT
1-19-2009
12:01am

Happy Founders Day Zeta Phi Beta 2009: Keeping it Honest

"Black Women will make the revolution"~Eldridge Cleaver

On the current cover of Ebony magazine there is a truly beautiful picture of President and Mrs. Obama with the title "Real Love". It is the kind of picture that in a few months if not already will be sold in picture frames; definitely in years to come it will sit among the classics. I will admit it made me stop and take pause about how I viewed love and life in the paradigm of politics in war. There was nothing political about this picture. It was truly Black love at its finest.

However, that moment didn't last long as I remembered that President Obama, as brilliant and wonderful as he is, is truly a product of Chicago politics and has the potential to be as crocked as the letter S.I wondered how he stayed out of all of the scandals plaguing Illinois politicians. How can a man with boundless ambition not get caught up with (at least anything we can prove) the likes of Bobby Rush, Crazy Rod, King Richie the III, Tony Rezko, and the rest of the colorful cast that occupies the Chicago landscape. It really seemed like that he might be the second coming. It seemed frigging impossible to me.

Then it hit me as I looked at Michelle Obama. She’s the reason. She has kept him honest and grounded. She, being the quintessential Black Woman, was not and is not going to have her family, race, or legacy tainted by her husband’s shenanigans. She is Southside born and raised; she knows the Chicago hustle and knows she got to keep Mr. President out of the nonsense, and I isn’t mad at her. Truth be told that is what makes the Black Love dichotomy so beautiful, the fact that our queens make us men when we sometimes forget how to be men.

So it’s on that note let me say:

HAPPY FOUNDER’S DAY TO THE

LADIES OF ZETA PHI BETA SORORITY INC.

89 years in the game, 89 years of keeping men of Sigma honest. Yeah, I said and I believe it. I’ve seen it first hand in my time in the Blue and White family, it is the Sorors through good times and bad times that keep the men of Sigma honest. From admonishments to handle our business or that kind warning about a man interested in the MAB, yall are often the voice of reason in the family, the ones who make us take a second look, even when we try to close our eyes. I wonder how many times did Arizona keep Charles honest, or how many times the lovely five keep the wonderful three honest. I’m sure it was more times than any of will ever know. I’m sure like Michelle Obama, they had to help temper their ambitions with honesty.

Personally, and I find this to be no surprise with the except of three women, all the women in my life who make sure that Terrance the man does not become Terrance the Prime Minister or some Chinese superhero has been Sorors. Whenever I go into a rant or tirade about how much I truly don’t like my brothers, they remind me that tis not good speech, not a sexy thing and quite dishonest. From love to work, from education to child rearing, my Sorors have been the voice a reason. It’s like having a whole organization of Mrs. Obamas, there to make sure my ambition does not trump my honesty. So this blog, this public thank you is a written testament to my appreciation on how you all have helped keep me honest through kindness, wisdom and just generally being there for me. This tribute is for you. Thank you:

Sorors Maiya and Mosi, my west coast Sorors, who always know when to leave me a kind word or blurb,

Soror Desire: for keeping me real, and making sure that my voice never shakes even when I am tired,

Soror Michele:for being there with a kind word or one of encouragement,

Sorors from Tau Psi Zeta: for Dec 22^nd 2006. Please understand that means suction for life, anytime, anything, anywhere.

Soror KJ: It’s funny that I remembered this at the sip, but it was your initial encouragement (when you were with your brother and Milton) and not the meeting with Talae, that Verizon that helped me find the way. I was working at Verizon in the Plaza then and I remember those words: “If you want it then do it.” I appreciate you and your honestly in regards to this family,

Soror Joy T: for being the relationship’s guru guru. Every time I talk to you I learn something new and remember something old. You keep it in simple terms and make me think outside the box. One day we gone write that book ya know?

Soror Lillet: My chief counsel, my attorney my friend. We’ve been rolling for 5 years strong and I appreciate you now like I did then. Thank you reminding me that sometimes I need to relax and enjoy things. Thank you for listening when I need a friend. We’ve gone through a ton of shit together and I’m glad I had you to travel with me,

Soror Nickia: Wow, you didn’t end this years’ blog. I’m sure that makes you smile. Still you are a very important friend and probably the most honest person around me. We don’t talk often but when we do you hold me up to the mirror, like your song, and force me to see that which I try to ignore. I am happy I’ve gone from deifying you to accepting you as a person with limitations and feelings. I’m glad you said what you said the other night. I so appreciate you. I learned a lout during our internship together and even more during our friendship. You need to write a book too damn it,

Soror Noelle: 2008 was a test of our friendship and our bond. But we stayed honest and true; we stayed real. We evolved and grew to be so much more than what either of us could have expected. Even though we don’t hang like we used to it is always a pleasure to get a text or call; an admonishment about not going to church or a question about Black Politics. We will open that joint Bordering School,

Soror AJ: A true sister, and lovely wife. Ben has to know what precious pearl he has. You are always there when I need someone to talk to and a reason I still come around the Chicago family. You promote me, chastise me, correct me and really remind me of what the family her is supposed to be about. I truly cant wait till we take that first joint vacation together. Like your chapter sisters, you my friendship for life, and my mother still owes you dinner for the repast. She never has forgotten either. Thank you sister!

Soror Leslie: My pledge mom, my friend, my confidant. I am SO glad we reconnect, so glad you are my pledge mom, so glad you are in my life. I was thinking this am about how when Nicole was power tripping and I got to work, you came to my aid. I still remember her face and horror when you dropped the keys and car off in the driveway and helped me keep my job. I remember the times you and “him” came to get me, let me cry, sleep, work through, and otherwise heal. I remember how we could always call each other. I am glad we are back connected and I can’t wait to teach the boy all the bad shit in the world. Thank you mom for being there for me!

Soror Black Heroin [Classified], it’s amazing we’ve been friends for two years. It seemed like only yesterday I was drunk rambling at the sip, thinking how lovely your eyes were (are) and how wonderful you smiled. Of course let you tell it I was much ruder than I remember but still you saw something. We grew and developed, became friends. You were there for me and vice versa. Finally we are here I can say that your arrival couldn’t come at a better time; for you reminded me that it was only dark because I had my eyes closed. You reminded me to open my eyes and enjoy the sun. It will truly be a pleasure to have the flyest Zeta in the game rocking my chain.

And yes I’m trying to get back to the 2002 flow.

Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Inc. showing men of Sigma and the Black community love and keeping us honest for 89 years. Who could ask for a better and stronger bond?

I know I couldn’t. These women keep me honest when its so easy to not be.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

1-16-2009

12:01am

The Sun of the Mourning Pt.1: Confrontation

“Lord forgive him' he got them dark forces in him"-Jay Z

I sat in my room on my futon looking at my phone, staring at the picture we took at Borders, trying to figure out what happened. I have had many setbacks in my career but I don't think one has stung like this primarily because I waited so long and my chance cut short.

I felt a darkness come over me; a darkness I hadn't felt in quite sometime. Let me not rely on lyrical devices, I felt like killing myself and that feeling intensified the more I sat there.

I closed my eyes and tried to shake these emotions but I couldn't, I was in a lonely place of dying and at that point there seemed to be no escape. Honestly I wasn't trying to escape either. I just closed my eyes as this cloud enveloped my mind and heart.

But as real as these emotions were I should not have suddenly changed. A moment ago I was enjoying the happy times and now, I was ready to slit my wrists with the razor on my stand. Something was wrong.

As I slowly opened my eyes I finally understood.

There he was standing in my room, eating a golden apple, smirking. A mirror image of me but perfect, he was wearing a blue shirt and sweater vest, hair cut to perfection and 40lbs lighter than me, a stark contrast to my ragged look, rough beard and tired brown sweater.

Our eyes locked for what seemed like an eternity; then he extended his apple and spoke, voice calm and still.

"Wanna bite?" he asked

"No thanks" I replied. "It'll probably kill me."

He laughed hard. "You insult me T. If that were my goal I'd been done it. I was just offering you a piece of fruit. This still your favorite right?

"You know it is." I reply annoyed by his snarky tone.

"Of course. That's the upside to being able to read hearts. But seriously if you ate more of this and less mattsons, you'd look like me."

"What can I help you with" I ask cutting to the chase.

"Shit. I was just checking on you. I got the notion you were finna do something wild like kill yourself and I wanted to talk ya out of it"

I shake my head in disbelief." I'm touched. But um wouldn't it help you if I did?"

"Not one bit. Sure I"d have your soul for certain, but that way is not fun. Besides it would only cement your selfish rep. I wanna do something better."

"I'm so not listening to this bullshit." I get up and walk out.

He picks up my phone and looks at the picture.
"She is fine. And yall look good together. Lovely eyes. Heh I guess all the time in the world turned out to be just a couple of months hahaha". His laughed and comments pierce me and I stop dead in my tracks.

He starts to speak "but I can..." but before he can finish I grab him by his sweater and say "You.Out.Now!"

And he finishes his sentence anyway "get her back for you. Lemme make you a drink T.You look like you could use one."

I let him go and walk out the room. He makes my apple vodka straight up and on the rocks.

I go into the front room and sit on the couch, head hung low. He hands me my drink. I look at it and take it, drinking it straight down.

"Thirsty much?" he quips

"Yeah. And you're bullshitting me. If it was meant to be Jah would give it to me"

He scoffs and turns the picture to me.

"Pffft. Yeah and not without a cost or some twist. Like when you're 85 and about to die. He's funny like that "

"This may be true, but you want something too. And as good as it sounds I don't think she'd be into a punked out devil worshipper"

"You watch too many movies. I am not talking about that. I am merely asking that in exchange for a second chance, you live as the man you truly are sans the moral and honor bullshit. You live free. You truly be happy and do what you want to do."

"I've out grown those hedonist tendencies. I'm a changed man. So my answer is no. “I reply trying to convince both of us.

"Pffft. No you haven't. What was it Jay-Z said? Oh you can change the top layer...but you are who you are player."

"NO!" I yell as I get up and storm pass him taking my drink and snatching my phone out of his hands. I go back into my room and flop on the futon.

He follows me calmly, more gliding than walking. "Fair enough. How about this: A contest. Winner take all. You survive and she's yours. You lose and you're mine. No tricks."

I shake my head and sip some more vodka, the bittersweet taste burning my throat.

"Winner take all? No tricks?" I clarify

"Winner take all. No tricks" he says and extends his hand.

I take his hand. "Agreed." I sit back down, take another sip and sigh. He hands me my phone back and says “She does have some pretty eyes."

I take the phone back and look at the picture one more time. "Indeed she does. Indeed. I'm ready. Let's get this shit over with." I don't bother looking at him, instead studying my picture.

"Nah" he says in voice that I would almost call sympathetic if I didn't know better. He turns and begins walking out of my room, "you look like you you need's a good nights sleep first. When was the last time you fucking slept?"

"Its been a week." I respond.

He stops at the door with his back to me. "T?"

"Yeah?" I answer, still not looking up, taking another sip and now looking at a different picture.

His voice changes. It’s low and harsh like crushed glass. "Sleep."

The last thing I see is her smile and the last thing I hear is his laugh and my glass hitting the floor, as I slump on the bed.

To be continued........

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
1-10-2009
12:01am

G.O.M.A.B.

"I love Phi Beta Sigma, I just hate the niggaz in it."~ TLT

I gave her my weekend schedule with the straightest face. "I need Friday and Saturday for the re dedication and the champagne sip."

"You have got to be kidding" said my baby mama in the most rudest of ways. "You still claim that?" As she held back her laughter I couldn't help but really ponder her words. She's not the only one who questions it. I mean I've been asked at least a thousand times on why I even claim membership.

It's really simple. It’s not hard, and despite what any snarky mofo thinks I really do love my organization. With that said

"Happy founders day to the men of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc. 95 years of being the sum of all things is no small feat. G.O.M.A.B.

Wait you didn’t know that I was a man of Sigma? There can only be two reasons for that:

A) You've never paid close attention
B) I'm doing my job.

I am a member of Phi Beta Sigma. I am a brother of Phi Beta Sigma. I've been one since that fateful morning where I cried on April 3rd 2002 at 3:18:12am. I've loved it 6 years before that.

I love it today. I love the principles. I sing the song at some point during the day. I often recite the 12 inch rule. I'll will defend it against the world. I love the royal blue and pure white. I tried to live by the 12 inch rule and the one I love the most: best performance of duty. I go over history and facts in my head as I go about my daily routine.

I love its rich history and culture. I love the fact it was the first BGLO to have a chapter in African, to introduce legislation against anti lynching, and at the corner stone of the Harlem Renaissance. I love the fact it was at the fore front of the civil rights movement and the Black Power Movement. I love it single handedly ran the Million Man March. Shit I love PBS. I really do.

All of my heroes are men of Sigma. Alain Leroy Locke, Dr. Huey P Newton, Mayor Harold Washington, A. Philip Randolph, Hosea Walker, Ben Muhammad, The Temptations, Blair Underwood and Emmitt Smith; all men of character, race pride, excellence and dignity. Its funny that before I became a Sigma, all of these men where heroes, hell my father used to work for the late Mayor. So if it was good enough for them, then it was good enough for me.

I love the concept of brotherhood, scholarship and service, for it truly through that order will we achieve liberation. The concept of culture for service and service to humanity is fundamental in understanding that we, Black people, are the movers and shakers and must claim what we want and at the same time serve.

Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc, is indeed the people's frat. The founders of my wondrous band really were ahead of their time. It is no wonder that PBS is truly the sum of all things.

Shit to be honest and I mean this as no exaggeration, Phi Beta Sigma is Black Studies and it is Black History.

And to be apart of that means my legacy within Black Studies is cemented. Its on more piece of a larger puzzle, one more reason to affirm why "I am Black Studies".

"But if you feel that strongly Terrance, why aren’t you active"?

Good question Snarky mofo reading this.

I'm not active simply because I hate the niggaz in it. I also believe that my inability to make Sigma define me, rather I define it keeps me away. I believe there are far to many little boys who've experienced nothing and use this to make them feel whole. But that's a blog for another day.

Today I'm not active because I just don’t see the legacy anymore. I see my org that cant decide if it wants to be dark skinned Alphas or literate Ques. I see my org unable to decide if its a street gang or a frat.

I see far to many men using my org as some kind of low budget business and not a brotherhood.

And I simply refuse to be apart of it. Like my relationship with Fisk, I will take what I can, throw away the rest; I will build when needed, serve when asked but keep my distance.

I will do so until we stop making betas and living out our crip fantasies, I will do so until we stop coming up with weak ass social service projects.

I will do so until I feel different.

But the truth is I made a pledge and took and oath. I promised God I would do right by this and I have not. The truth is I get back into the game.

The truth is even if I don’t need Sigma, even if my heart pumps Red, Black and Green and not blue, even if I was a man before I became a MABster, PBS needs me.

and I miss it.

God I love Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc,

and sometimes even the niggaz in it.

Happy Founders Day Brothers!

TLT

Straight, No Chaser

4-09-2008

12:01am