Side Effects of You: Kill Bill

*Author's Note: 4-17-2014. This was intended to be the culmination of a five part series that lead to the Good Friday blog, however after a few Blue Moons, I think creatively, it might be best to start here posting this one first, and place it after the Good Friday Blog. Emotionally, I probably need to dump the emotions tied to the final entry as this has had the most profound impact on me. I've started this entry no less that 20 times and I think tonight in between beers sips and tears I can finish it. Let the weekend of dying and ultimately healing continue. I will return to write the author parts at a later date.
Soli Deo Gloria
TLT

"But what a fool believes he sees
No wise man has the power to reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing

And nothing at all keeps sending him..."

~What a Fool Believes (The Dooby Brothers)

I debated on whether to include this final entry in this series as writing about this topic ALWAYS brings about more complications than being silent. But then I asked myself who is it more complicated for: me or the others in my space whom this topic is uncomfortable. However, the first rule in coming out of retirement was no censorship so I might as well be completely honest and write about this person that has left a side effect on me. I'm not sure side effects are even the most appropriate term. Side effects don't last a long time, unless they are residual. This is more than that. This is a gaping wound.

I thought long and hard about how to frame this situation. I kept asking myself what pop culture reference could I use that conveys the entire scope of our seven years together. Ike and Tina? Nah that's too cliched and intellectually dishonest? Batman and Talia? Close, but their dynamic was often complicated by proxy via Ra's Al Gaul. Then I remembered very simply a conversation she and I had some years ago about our dynamic and I realized I had the perfect example staring me in my face. Who we were, who we are can simply be found in the timeless love story (and yes it was a love story): Kill Bill.

For those of you who have been in a coma or living under a rock, Kill Bill is story about two dysfunctional arse people who took heartbreak and disappointment to the next level. I won't offer a full synopsis in the blog but you can either read it here or go check in out somewhere on the internet. I'll wait while you do that.

You finished? Good...now I can get started.. If you have been following this blog you know I've written about her quiet a few times as she has overlapped a number of seasons. She has been through a number of struggles. Yeah she was a major fixture in my life. Of course I'm talking about none other than Wei Yan. You can read about her here, here, and in a number of other posts. I'm sure if you goggled Wei Yan/Blackthought39 you'd get all the blogs mentioning her.   

So what makes this different. Whelp, to quote a line from the Kill Bill, I've never been able to tell the truth to her and what she meant to me. Honestly, I never told her the truth about anything regarding us to all but three people. Conversely, even now I believe she won't tell the truth about me yet that is all immaterial now. The difference is this there is nothing to be lost or gained because of one painful truth: Wei Yan got married. But more on that in a minute. Let's get started:

In our time together she was THE greatest:

• Student

• Lover

• Friend

• Ally

• Step Mother

• Confidant

• Weapon

• Source of Joy

• Source of Pain

• and ultimately enemy. 

As stated, I've written about our dynamic extensively in this space, perhaps as a way to try to make sense of how two people who loved each other so hard, so deeply could ultimately do so much harm to each other. I've put so much thought into US that this last entry in the series was actually written first. Somehow it just seemed proper and true to work on the side effect that had (and has) the greatest impact on me today. While the others do still run through my mind and spirit every one in a while,  more often and not this one keeps me awake at night. This one makes it impossible to ever listen to John Legend or even watch Kill Bill with the same lens. I've read our emails hundreds of times only last month stop reading that love letter she wrote me after my father died in 2006. Yeah. I read the same letter at least twice a month for the past 8 years.

Perhaps what makes this the so hard to process is that now with the hindsight of maturity and honesty, I can admit to myself that I truly loved her deeply. I loved her more than any other woman. Yeah I thought I loved others, thought others really were the truth and maybe a couple of them were that cold (after I this is a five part series) but Wei Yan was IT. I loved and cared for her. I just didn't know how nor want to know how to care for her by her needs. She become my "thing" and I stopped hearing her as a woman and a person. She used to accuse me of quitting whenever it got hard or whenever she didn't acquiesce to one of my demands to find something easier or as she put it an illusion of better. She often accused me of treating her as a tool or as some kind of pawn in a larger cheese game.

And you know what? She was f'n right. The interesting thing is that no matter how many times I thought I found better, the truth is none was better. None lasted. None out shined her when it counted. In all the attempts to break and replace her only one even came remotely close and ironically she's NOT one of the five. The truth is snarky mofo reading this is that I made a choice to get rid of one of the few people on this planet who loved me unconditionally (even if it was dysfunctional) and now I utterly regret it. This decision haunts my sleep and wrecks my spirit. It's par the course with me in matters of the heart. I get pissed, make an irrational decision and then I'm forced to clean up the mess. But this time there is no clean up. There is nothing. Not ever her children I claimed as my own. Nothing. I am deeply sorry for this.

Don't get me wrong I've FINALLY come to peace with the fact she's married. In the back of my mind and spirit I'm rejoicing that she found someone who could do what I wouldn't do. She found someone to love her and be all that I should have been but I was either to afraid or too stupid to be. I pray her marriage be blessed and long. I'm many things. I am not a hater and I don't wish for the worst. I want this to work.

Yet I'd be lying if I didn't say that I wish this was an alternative universe. In an alternate universe, Wei Yan would walk through the doors of this Starbucks, sit at my table and I'd simply say I forgive you and yes. I'd eat the backlash. I'd eat the losses. I'd eat it all because you know what I'd be where I wanted to be. I'd do everything from giving up Facebook to dueling multiple samurai's to make sure this time would be different.

And I wouldn't give two damns to what anybody thought about it. I'd actually hope and pray she forgave me.

But there are no alternate universes at least that I know of. There is the here and now and the promise of a better tomorrow.

Recently, I ran across a picture of her and her husband on twitter. She looked happy. Genuinely happy. My immediate reaction: I got totally sick. Pucking sick. I haven't been that type of sick in years. I threw up right there on the Red line and 35th. I couldn't even cry. I just puked. Then I went home and killed a six pack of beer. Nothing happened. All was left was me and my grief. 

Grief. Brother MB from school says I gotta get this up offa me. I need to write my Lamentations and leave it at the cross. (It's bad that folks know about her in Seminary. I've discussed her in Pastoral Care, with some students in Old Testament, and with some of the Black Seminarians.) He told me to cry and let it out and tonight I'm going to do that. I've already had a healing come to Jesus moment with another dear friend and now I need to have a moment with the Lord for me. I have no other option if I'm going to close this hole in my spirit and move on with my life. This has to die on Good Friday. It has to go in the tomb. I need to mourn and accept the truth. Castles made of Sand right....boy did I make this on sand.

Wei Yan once told me that the time for honoring myself would soon be over. She wasn't lying.  If I'm using the Kill bill analogy Kiddo got her revenge. She got her justice and Bill...got what he deserved....

Giving Honor to My Creator, Who is Forever Praised Amen
In Truth and Transparency,
TLT
4/19/2014
12:15am
*Originally started 1-31-2014, edited on 3-10-2014, and 3-27-2014. Completed on 4-19-2014

Revolutions and Rotations: Past as Prologue

Gen. Ross: How old are you, Blonsky, forty-five?

Blonsky: Thirty-nine.

Gen. Ross: That takes a toll, doesn't it?

Blonsky: Yes, it does.

Gen. Ross: So get out of the trenches. You should be a Colonel by now, with your record.

Blonsky: No, sir, I'm a fighter, and I'll be one for as long as I can. Mind you, if I took what I had now, and put it in a body that I had ten years ago, that would be someone I wouldn't want to fight

Gen. Ross: [thoughtfully] I think I can arrange something like that...

~The Incredible Hulk

There are four times a year where I enter an almost trance like reflection on what my life has entailed, what it is now, and hopefully were will it be. Ironically, these days each fit into a season so I guess once a season I stop and moreso than I usually do pause and ask myself really hard questions: These days are:

• The Day before my Eldest Heir's Birthday (Winter)
• Good Friday to Easter/Resurrection Sunday (Spring)
• My birthday (Summer)
• The day before Middle Heir's birthday (Fall)

It's funny that on this, my 37th birthday, this scene from Marvel's 2008 hit The Incredible Hulk popped into my head on my way to work. I've always loved this scene but I am unsure why. Maybe because it is my secret wish to have one 30 minute conversation with 27 year old me and just pour into him. So, as I got dressed and begin to walk to work, I really got to thinking about the man I was ten years ago and how much I didn't know as opposed to the man I am now and all that I've learned. I asked myself what would I go back and tell that brash young man as he approached his 30th birthday. I imagined me sitting down at a table with him, coffee in my cup and vodka in his (damn Augustfest) with us talking frankly. It's not hard to know what I would tell him. So on August 10th 2002 I would tell that younger me:

• that he should stop drinking. Ten years from now alcohol won't even really matter to you and when you do drink its something mellow like plum wine.
• listen to his friend Erica. Don't go to that apartment with her ole girl. Ten years from now you will lament that decision almost every day if you do.
• stop being an angry at your parents. Ten years from now you will crave their presence daily.
• that conversation you are about to have in the park about not being ready for marriage will hurt. But shacking is not the answer. Ten years from now you will see the wisdom in this.
• spend more time with your fellaz (what I used to call my Heirs). Ten years from now you will hate yourself for all the haircuts, potty training and moments missed.
• stop treating your body like garbage with the liquor and bad food. Go back to the only fish diet. If you don't ten years from now you won't be able to get out of bed without limping.
• listen to your woman. Craft you own nieche and brand. OH can be the base but you need something more. Ten years from now it won't even be an OH Black Studies Conference.
• protect your credit score. Ten years from now you'll wish you had.
• don't send that email. Ten years from now she'll sit be hurting over the aftermath of what comes next.
• follow your first mind. Change Sigma chapters immediately. You don't like these guys and they don't like you. If you don't ten years from now you will have a love hate relationship with your frat.
• let go of that Fisk hurt. It's all in the game. Ten years you won't care and nobody else will.
• stop fighting that knot in your stomach that keeps you up at night. That's holy spirit. It's real. It's not a white man's ploy. Get saved. Ten years from now you'll wish you did it ten years ago.

There is so much more I would say but the space won't permit and my ADHD won't allow me to write. However, the above is what I WOULD say for certain; These are the thoughts I would give younger me to help them change from a boy to man. Like Gen Ross would ultimately offer Blonsky, I would give him an injection of a type of super solider serum to help him be better.But the reality of the situation is that there are no do overs when it comes to time. There is no super solider serum either. Those decisions I made by and large are irreversible and on some levels final. I can never take back the email. I can never get back time wasted hating Fisk nor being frustrated with them dudes in INS. My heirs won't go back to being 5 and 3. I can't get that time back with Mom and Pops. This right here is the way those past chapters are going to be written.Yet, that's not all bad. While I have subjected myself to and been subjected by others to ogobs of pain, disappointment, and setbacks, the fact is I'm still here. I've grown, become stronger and still I'm convinced the best is yet to come. Could I have this faith of a Better tomorrow if I erase the sins of yesterday? I don't think so. I needed each and every one of those lessons and scars. I need each and every one of those reminders of what not to do going forward. Besides, who needs a super solider serum when I have something called Grace and Mercy. That and another day to get up again gives me one more chance to correct what messed up (if possible) and press onward.But almost as important as Grace and Mercy is the reality that I have my Heirs and Heiresses and many other young people that I pour into in the course of my work. I can give them the gifts I may not have appreciated and hopefully they can and will do better with them that I did. Hopefully my children will break curses and cycles and do the things I was either to afraid to do or not meant to do. That truth gives me a sense of peace.

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised, Amen.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

8/10/2012

5:31pm CST

Revolutions and Rotations: Broken then Healed

"God can heal, He can deliver.
He can mend your brokenness.
He has a miracle to fit your needs,
once you trust Him, you will receive."
~Broken, But Healed by Byron Cage

Today is August 10th and it my 35th birthday.

I have survived and grown another year.

Like the past five birthdays, this one comes after a major tragedy: the death of my beloved Queen Mother Tony Thomas. Her untimely passing on the 4th of July has left this something of a solemn birthday; she not being here physically to celebrate 35 years of life, love and friendship does kill my mood just a bit.

Comparatively speaking, as unjust, unfair, and down right horrid as the "LSC" and "DOF" was, losing my Queen Mother is far worse. Despite my best efforts, NO words can accurately give life to this lost (and honestly I don't want you to know how this feels). However, unlike the aforementioned tragedy (and the birthdays that followed), I am NOW equipped with something I never had (or rather never thought to use): belief in God and faith in the promises set forth in his word. In this season of EARNESTLY putting God first and trying to live right, I am becoming "fully competent, completely equipped to handle every good work (2 Timothy 3:17 NWT)." For the first time since my 29th birthday, I woke up feeling blessed. I will continue to smile and thank Jehovah (Yahweh) for another year and press towards the mark of the high calling (Philippians 3:14 KJV).

Despite feeling blessed, I woke up with thankful tears in my eyes that God delivered me from myself, from the machinations of the devil, and the swamp of despond. I think back, with a bit of shame, to where I was emotionally and mentally last year: drunk, vulgar, angry at the world for an injustice done to me, giving lip service to God but with no real dedication, crying over one woman who didn't want me and seeking comfort in the arms of another woman who I had no business with nor should have used like that. What a wretched man I was; though I am still far from perfect.

I am under no illusions that my change was through the power of Holy Spirit and the grace of God alone. As I stated many times (and you all agreed) I am a highly intelligent brother, full of perseverance, full of honor, and full of strength. Yet under my own...whatever, I was unable to tap into anything in my repertoire to overcome the challenges before me. I was powerless. But, as the Apostle Paul writes, at just the right time when I was powerless, God stepped in, healed my mind and heart then guided my steps to him; God has given me all what I need to get up and press forward, and if I continue to seek Him first then He will give me what I need to conquer so much more (Matt 6:33 TNIV).

But now, on this my 35th birthday, I will go visit my mother's grave and lay flowers. I will hug, kiss and play with my sons. I will go to church and praise the Lord for all he has done for me: He kept me from sinking. Instead of a vulgar party I can barely afford, being drunk and full of bitterness or any of that other stuff, I will spend my 35th birthday surrounded by the things and people of God, behaving in a manner of a man who is walking in the spirit (Galatians 5:22 TNIV).

I can not predict or even stop challenges from happening in my life. I can and will however be responsible for how I respond. I am decreeing in this season of change that last year was the last time I will spend the day of my birth in mourning, angry, a drunkard, or even bitter over the wrongs I have been dealt. From this year on, no matter the challenges that come prior, on this day I will celebrate family, love, life, and most importantly I will Bless the Lord.

Byron Cage was so on point with his song. He CAN mend your (and mine) brokenness..once you trust him you WILL receive.

I love progress. Now, if he finds me worthy, I hope next year I am blessed with a wife to spend this day with. I have faith that he will.

Giving honor to my Creator (who is FOREVER praised Amen) for the lessons learned, meanings made and healing experienced this year.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
8-10-2010
8:15am

The Legend of TLT....Reconsidered

"Better than the best"~ T.G.S.

A couple of years back I wrote a piece entitled "The Legend of TLT" in which I discussed who I was, and how I came to be with the intent on letting my budding Myspace blog fans get an insight into me and how this little brain of my works. I confess I don't actually remember writing that essay, at the time I believe I wrote it (2006-2007) I was struggling heavily with drinking and probably penned it in one of those more "relaxed" moments (if I was a betting man I'd say I DID write it while drunk off my behind).

Utter drunkenness aside, apparently this piece along with my "Declaration of Independence" (I know penned in a drunken rage), and my "Top Ten" ground rules really helped people see who I am and in some strange way increased my fan base and endeared people to lil ole me. Sadly in a moment of impulse behavior, I deleted the original site of this and my Myspace blogs without saving those items; the only remnant is the aforementioned "Top Ten" (this was only saved because I emailed it to a friend to review and found it when I was trying to move some emails to my Blackberry.) and a rough draft of the declaration I sent to Soror Sage back in 2005. (which I might just retro post). I confess I would love to see those fine essays again in completed form, if for no other reason than to see where my head was at this time in my life and reflect; I've even scoured the internet to see if somehow some where they were saved or moved around and sadly they weren't. I wanted to use them to write sorta of an update on my TLT thesis statement, and because I am a stickler for cannon and try to keep retcon's to a minimum, I wanted to use it as a guide of sorts to see how much I've grown (tons) and if, as Soror Sage once quipped, history has repeated itself (it has).

However, even the loss of some of my classic work comes a chance to do something good. Without that guide I am forced to rethink things on their own merits and get discernment through Holy Spirit as to who I am and how I came to be. It gives me a moment to pray for understanding about various things like love, because as much as I thought I knew about love and relationships, 2009 showed me I didn't know jack. If anything I learned in 2009 that sometimes the best man doesn't win, sometimes people willfully chose the wider, easier and familiar path and most importantly there is nothing you can do about it. Wait I refuse to believe that is the only lesson that can be discerned about who I am...is that I am a grateful loser? I scoff at that notion, of me being a loser especially a grateful one.

No..there is much more to me than the LSC and the DOF. There is no way in hell that those periods, as painful as they were, can or should be the defining moments in what made me a man. In fact I'm a pretty amazing man if I do say so myself. I am not trying to be haughty or puffed up with pride, but I am one helluva brother that has overcome so much in my loving career.

Yet I don't want to be defined by "comebacks." As used to this narrative as my people have become, it really isn't flattering when you are the one who always has to "fight back." Is my career really gonna be defined by kip-ups and saving grace (as opposed to SAVING GRACE)? I mean the first couple of times you mount a comeback is inspirational; anytime thereafter you are a half arsed planner who has to find loop holes to get out of a jam.

Surely I am not defined by the evil(s) I've done. As I said the other day I've taken all that to the Sovereign of the Universe and I really don't need to make that the focal point of who I am as a man.

Perhaps I am thinking too much and who I truly am lies in the description of my blogs. At the very introduction I write:

*pause*
Soror Sage is really is gonna clown me. She once told me only an arrogant sucker punk quotes or herself in a context like this.
*play*

...This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, who has been crucified and resurrected, who has a lot of stories and no stories.

All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser

Well that was kinda vague, even if it is well written. But this is closer to the truth than anything else I have written on this subject. I have been on one helluva journey. I have done a lot. Yet if I am truly honest about all of this my actuality has not met my potential for a myriad of reasons. I have a lot of stories folks wanna hear and judging from the response this blog has gotten at times there are stories that others don't want to hear or wish would go away. The most endearing truth is even though I have tried to invoke a spiritual motif by using the words crucified and resurrected, the truth is that I'm probably up there with your typical soap opera or comic book character than some biblical one with the amount of times I've been killed out of the story lines only to come back. It makes me kinda dizzy.

But while the above quip comes close it doesn't due me justice...total justice. I mean how can I NOT discuss my renewed faith and bliss that I'm feeling being in the loving embrace of God reading and absorbing everything I can. Perhaps I should add this line: " ...A man who struggled with, rejected, and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, who is forever praised Amen."

OK..we're getting closer. What else should I add. Let try this: "...the journey of a man who loves his children and his family; who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies."
That's a little closer.

Of course my brilliant intellect and my kind heart are my strongest assets, yet the are so often in conflict. I need a plank on that as well. Here's a good line: "a man who seeks to learn as much as he can, while realizing he knows nothing at all."

We're getting there.

Let's see how all of this looks with a slight rearrangement:

This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, a man who loves his children and his family, who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies, who seeks to learn as much as he can while realizing he may know nothing at all, who struggled with, rejected and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, (who is forever praised Amen), who has been crucified and resurrected, and lastly, who has a lot of stories and no stories, All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser.

Hmmm I like that. *Note to self: Make sure you post this in the about me section~TLT*

But even as I type that I realize that I don't want to be a legend anymore. I simply want, in this 35th year of living, is love my heirs, worship my God and finally live life to the fullest; I want my actuality to meet my potential and I want to make God proud. While writing my my Legend I realize the simple truth is I'm just a man...

Not as bad as some, but better than enough.
And most importantly showing myself approved in God's sight.

In truth and transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-11-2010
6:23pm

A Sinner's Prayer....and Atonement.

"I'm so that God still hears a sinner's prayer"~Deitrick Haddon

Recently a ghost from my past found me (thanks to my Zeta Tribute blog), to check and see how I have been living the past few years since our brief internship. She felt inclined to reach out because she was shocked that I acknowledged (due to some of my immaturity) we didn't do to well. Curiosity can be like that I guess, it can make you re-visit spaces that otherwise we wouldn't go back to. I am sure this was no different.

As we progressed in the conversation, I explained to her some of my journeys since we last parted company; I also shared with her my (at the time) budding spiritual change and how part of that was confessing sins and leaving it with God. She asked me if I truly was sorry for how I acted towards her and I told her I was. She then asked if I was going to go back and apologize to all of the women I hurt and I let her know that I was not going to do such a thing. I made the point that I left the matter with God, I confessed, and if he saw fit to give me his grace I would accept its (like one has a choice). This isn't a negro version of "My Name is Earl" and I was not going to traverse the country trying to correct karma.

Judging from her text response, and I could be wrong, she didn't seem convinced. I think she felt, like most people would, that I needed to and should go back and make atonement to every single individual otherwise I wronged otherwise my change and redemption wouldn't be valid. Of course from my understanding of the Word doesn't tell me that or even really requires that of me but it did beg a very real question.

In the opening lines of the beautiful song "Sinner's Prayer" Deitrick Haddon sings:

I walked to the church ya'll
on a Sunday morning
stood outside contemplating
whether I should walk through the door
you see a lot of folks know me
from way back when
people holding me to
all those past sins....

...which describes my feelings to the letter. After the utter madness of last year, in which I walked away more bruised, scared, and spiritually dead than anybody else, I do sometimes worry as I pray, go to church and try to actually manifest change in my life if those in my space will accept and believe this moment of awakening; to be honest I also slightly worry if my critics will find this change true. I am sure nothing would please them more than me failing in trying to draw closer to Jesus and live out the life he has promised me. Negroes have a nasty habit of dancing and spiting on my grave.

But I'm not so worried about my critics as I am worried about people in my circle who often treat spiritual matters as something of a fad. I admit folks always swearing they gone do right. I keep hearing about the "old Terrance", or the "Terrance of a few years ago" or even how I was broken last year and asked how a sudden change can happen "all of a sudden."

*pause* And I assure you this did not happen "all of a sudden". This has been a long real process.

*play*

My desire to do better is often met with in different skepticism and it does make doing what I need to do a little harder.

But I can't let this stop me ya know?

I accept that my past is relevant. I often argued that if you forget your past then you don't know your future. I do believe the past can be (if allowed) prologue. I am not saying that if I made a mistake or hurt somebody it should be swept over. NOT AT ALL. But let me illustrate: A person can not get caught stealing from a friend and a few months later attempt to come around and not offer any apology or restitution. But what if that friend who was caught apologizes and then says that they have given the matter to God and demonstrates this change with faith and good works? Can we really still hold that past over such a person? Could we deny that transformation is real based solely on our anger? Will not their faith and actions prove its own point? Should that person care or even try to persuade us? Surely not! At the same time if a person returns engaged in the same ole type of shenanigans they were before then yes you may have to look at the historical record. In essence what I am saying is that I have reaped what I've sown, I've paid the price and now it is time for me to move forward with my life and my walk as a man of God. As arrogant as it sounds (which is not my intent) I really can't be worried that I didn't atone for every little sin because as I said in the beginning I've made peace with who I needed too, My Lord and Savior, and anything else is kinda pointless.

I think what motivates me in this position is the counsel found a Romans 3:23 in which the Apostle Paul writes "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"; with this wisdom I understand that no matter how bad I've been there are others who have been equally scummy. In this regard I am no different than most people. But it's the Apostle's words in the following verse that lets me know that regardless of how people see my change, this process is real and God approved. Paul goes on to write: "and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came through Christ Jesus." This makes me smile because I understand that in spite of my errors and even in lieu of the (dis)approval of others, my process (grounded in faith) is God approved. As morally praiseworthy as it is to go back and say "Hey I'm sorry" to everybody I hurt it is not morally obligatory. I said I was sorry to who I needed too and with the rest of it I took to God.

Of course grace and forgiveness doesn't give me a free card to go out and commit old sins new ways repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over. Again Paul's counsel is wise in this regard. He tells us: "we are those who died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?" I keep this mind because a major part of this or any shift/ behavior change is the abandonment of ideas and concepts that led to the darkness, the fall and ultimately to the selfish acts which may have hurt others and in fact did hurt others.

The old Terrance is quickly dying off, mortally wounded in a war that should not have been. In his place will rise a man who was broken, but healed, a sinner seeking grace through faith and achieving success everyday.

I can not change what I have done in the past, I can only control what I do now and KNOW that it will impact who I will be in the future...

And that IS and WILL be as a man of God, walking in faith and righteousness...

I sincerely pray that is good enough for you folks...it's good enough for me

And certainly good enough for my Creator (who is forever praised Amen).

In truth and transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-09-2010
4:45pm

Reconstructing Memory: The Heart of a Champion

"Nobody can out perform him in big name matches"~Jim Ross

Memory Build 1.0
File Upload: Resiliency/Tenacity
Begin Memory Sync:

The other night I had the wonderful experience of watching classic WWE(F) matches with my heirs and bonding over the golden time in pro wrestling known as the Monday Wars. Without getting into the whole back story this was an exciting time for the business as three companies: WWE(F), WCW, and ECW battled for supremacy in/on their respective Monday night programs. During this throw back moment I got a chance to see my favorite wrestler in action: "The Heartbreak Kid" (HBK) Shawn Michaels. Now most people make the mistake and think my favorite wrestler is either Ric Flair, The Rock or even Kevin Nash. Those are all performers I enjoy (in that order), but none of them compares to HBK.

If you haven't discerned by now I am a HUGE fan of professional wrestling. The emotions and actual matches are a beautiful melody that only well a guy like me can enjoy. There something about the story lines and the performances by the wrestlers that I find enjoyable and at times (in a case of life and art imitating each other) I find some real life lessons.

With this said, there is nobody, in this author's humble opinion, better than good ole HBK. From the ladder match at Wrestlemania 10, to the Iron Man Match at Wrestlemania 12 to the most recent match at Wrestlemania 25, HBK has never failed to perform. I don't think he has ever had a bad match. In fact so strong is his dedication to not be out performed lead Jim Ross to remark that "Nobody can outperform him (HBK) in big name matches." Yeah, even thinking about HBK makes me smile.

My affinity for HBK goes deeper than his in ring performance however. Shawn Michaels is impressive to me because he has overcome some much in his personal life. He has been a lighting rod of controversy such to a point he once remarked "I knew there were a lot of stories out there about me but I didn't know that so many weren't true." HBK has been through it all and he has remained resilient through these challenges. From his battles with pain killer addiction, back stage politics, womanizing, as well as a near career ending back injury to his subsequent conversion to Christianity and character redemption has shaped him into a leader among his peers. Consider his performance at Wrestlemania 14 that illustrates his heart and soul. This event is widely acceptable as the one where he showed his true character, wrestling with a severe back injury yet, doing his part to ensure the company moved forward. I know for me it was the event were I truly began to appreciate his greatness. During the match you can literally see his face grimace in pain, yet he still performed at his best. Indeed, if there is any performer that shows he is a Soul Survivor it is Shawn Michaels.

Soul.Survivor.

Memory Sync in progress.

50% complete. Please wait.

Constructing Soul Survivor Matrix:

Soul Survivor. She called me that once. Ekklettia called me that. She said I had more lives than a cat. In fact just about everybody I know talks about my resilience. The very qualities I love in HBK are qualities I embody. There is no quit in me, there is no surrender. I will not stay down long. I will not lose, even if I lose.

Somehow, somewhere, during my "war' this year I forgot this basic truth. I have something called heart. Or guts. Or intestinal fortitude. While I will not absolve those who left me behind, I will say I can understand their confusion. They didn't know how to respond to the man with more heart than anybody they knew, who will not be out performed well being out perfomed. While their response is/was flawed, I do understand their confusion.

Hell I am confused by it myself.

But the fact of the matter is sitting here with my sons allowed me to remember, the first file in reconstructing and reconnecting with my historical memory. I am a fucking Survivor. I am a Soul Survivor and I don't lie down for anyone or anything.

The LSC and DOF was my Wrestlemania 14. It was the moment where I had to do what I had to do, even though I was hurt, tired, confused, and left behind. It was my moment to put on a big name match. It was my moment to become immortal.

History will ultimately decide if I meet these moments. As I upload this file, I am reminded about this quality as a Soul Survivor.

As 2009 draws to a close and I stagger to my feet, flexing and smiling I am remembering that TLT doesn't give up.

I am a Soul Survivor.

2010 will (re-)affirm this. It will be mine. I will shine once again.

And like my favorite wrestler I will be back, better than ever.

File Uploaded

Memory Sync Completed

Straight, No Chaser,

TLT

12-13-2009

11:00pm

The Duel of Fates: Wilderness Trek

Don't feel like writing much tonight.

I just want to go home.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-2-2009
1:29a

Revolutions and Rotations: Boys to Men

"These ARE the things that change boys to MEN"
~New Edition

Today is August 10th 2009 and it is my 34th birthday. It has been a long calender year indeed.

It is funny in the revolutions and rotations we call life that I would be almost in the exact same spot I was one year ago today. While my financial situation is a bit different, I am still on the front lines helping my heirs adjust to life (again/always) in their new school, an inner city school and teach them how to survive.

This would mark the 4th straight birthday I am celebrating as a single man, and honestly I would like to have a birthday again where I can celebrate with one woman, get birthday sex from one woman, indulge in one wonderful conversation with one woman and then catch a nap.

This will also mark the 4th straight year my birthday has come following some kind of MAJOR crisis or test, this year it follows the well documented and powerful "Love Supreme Crisis". To put it into context, image if your birthday fell on 9-11 or the day after the levees broke. It would kind of dampen the mood a bit. Dealing with the fall out of my own 9-11/Hurricane Katrina has left me both trying to ensure I had a festive birthday, but also hella reflective on the battles I have won, defeats I have suffered and the joy and pain intrinsic to our time on this planet. Indeed this past calender year has led me in a complete emotional circle as just like last year I had/have to deal with (or not deal with) the emotional complexities of losing someone near and dear to my heart only more intense. Without question this day will be one of reflection and contemplation on the things that change boys to men and wondering if I am truly a man.

HOWEVER, in spite of the aforementioned there is much to celebrate. I am walking toward Jehovah, a bit slow, stumbling, but walking non the less. I DID help my heirs with their transitions from suburban life into city life, we WILL meet the challenge of the new school like the soldiers we are, I am working again and outside of a brief uh....incapacitation in June my health is pretty friggin good. My parenting relationship with BM is perfect and even new responsibility is agreeing to my terms laid out. My friendship with Wei Yan seems salvageable, I have healed with my father's side of my family, and my crew is back together. Each challenge that was laid before me this year was/ has been meet, with/to the best of my ability plus 20%. While I might have fallen short in some goals, I failed in none because I always answered the bell. I will continue to keep fighting and pressing towards that mark of the higher calling.

Wow 34 years old? I shiver sometimes when I think about it; all that I have seen and done, the dead and incarcerated homies who aren't here anymore or whose birthdays now are a reminder of the painful errors of their life. It is in these sobering moments that I find joy, not in their pain but rather I understand my blessings. I understand who I am and how I came to be and that MAN who stands before you now, scars and all, has nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to fear, nothing to really hold me back. In this Duel of Fates, even as it continues, I am learning I have a strength I may not have tapped before and it is that strength that I will survive the next calander year and beyond. Jay Z once sung:

You know my story
I been through it all
Nights I felt like dying
But I ain't crying
What didn't kill me
Made me strong as Iron
Oh.My.God.

HOV had a point and I agree. After this year I can say with no ego that I am fucking adamantium.

As I sit on the mountain top, enjoying the view of the promise land and an early morning shot of vodka, I think of all that I have been through. I thank Jehovah deeply for not leaving me in the hands of the of the "star' even as I was unsure of what to do. Coming to this mountain top has given me a sense of peace, and while I am sure the "star" will test me again, while I am sure I may have doubts again, I know I will not fall or lose. That much I am certain of.

The Legend of Terrance L Thomas is secure. My legacy is secure. My reality and my future are also secure, even if ever evolving. My past and present being reconciled. Good, bad and ugly all things are where they are even if it blows at times.

New Edition was right. Growing up can be a pain and you're not a man until you come of age.

Good to know I've been a MAN for a long time.

Before I forget: Thank you ALL for your love, support, critiques, and up-building. You have helped me get through this year indeed.

Tis time for me to go enjoy my birthday...


Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-10-2009
6:45am

PS
Enjoy the music...

"Reflections, Retirement and Star Trek" OR "A Creative Way To Admit It's Time For A Mental Health Break."

*Author's Note: In celebration of my renewed love for the Star Trek Franchise, I am going to be using a lot of analogies from the Star Trek universe. Where possible I will include a link to make it a little more digestible. ~TLT*

" A commanding officer must relieve himself of command if the mission at hand leaves them emotionally compromised. "
~Starfleet Regulation 619

I am officially burned out. I realized this as I sat in the Hall last night, trying to gain control of my rolling emotions, struggling to digest the spiritual food I was being given. I was able to take in some information, I was able to give thanks to Jehovah for another day, but honestly may head and heart was in turbulence. Actually, this realization came earlier in the day, when I was talking with a friend and she said something to me and I got so upset the only thing I could do was cry. It is a known fact I don't cry openly and for me to respond that was not in my character.

I also became concerned when my anger returned. As I stated before anger is the FIRST stage of grief, and a week or so ago I was in between the forth and fifth stage, so for me to return right back to square one is clearly proof positive that I need to take a step back and heal.

Heal. Man I've been trying to do that for about 4 years now, since I lost all of my crew and ship of the Constitution Class USS Envoy back in 2005. I should have taken time off then. But in order to prove myself ready I took another command, over the Space Station Carson in the western sector. But the staff and I just didn't meld and I was transferred out.

I spent the next two years at Starfleet Academy as instructor, passing up one command post after another until I met a fine officer named Yan. Although other instructors called her arrogant, untrustworthy and reckless, I saw great promise in her. I felt she had to be the stuff legends were made of. Somehow, to this day I'm not sure, she convinced me to get back in the captain's chair. So when I finally agreed to take command off the Defiant class ship USS Joniyah, I made her my first officer. Inititally I was skeptical about serving on a ship that functioned only a warship, the lack of diversity irked me but still the call of battle lured me back. However, my colleagues critique of First Officer Yan provided correct, she was abrasive, prone to disobey orders, and overly ambitious. Yet for all these flaws, she was one of the best first officers in Starfleet so I kept her on. This would prove to be fatal at the Battle of OH, where the her disobeying a direct order would cause us to lose the ship to the Kenborg; we had to auto destruct. This got her suspended from Starfleet and got me a nice dressing down in my file after an inquiry.

For the next couple of months, I considered resigning my commission and taking time off to mentally recharge. I had come pretty close to doing so when an offer came up that I could not refuse. The newest and best ship in the Federation had finally been finished and was in need of a Captain and command crew. After a serious of fortunate events I was offer command of the Sovereign class USS Zassfrana. I immediately jumped at the chance. This command would for a time resurrect my career and renew my energy.

The problem though was that Starfleet wasn't quite ready for a cowboy Captain and wanted me to take it slow. I was ready to take the ship to warp 9 but again I was asked until all parties were tested and ready to go slow. My constant rushing and putting the ship into what Starfleet considered dangerous situations only strained my command more. Finally, after disobeying direct orders and engaging a hostile force at the Back of the yards summits, I was relieved of Command. That shit hurt to lose the best ship in the fleet. I was asked to take a few months off an return to duty, but instead..I only made things worse. Finally it was suggested that I take a medical leave according to regulation 619. I think its time.

I haven't done that in a while, creatively write. But as fun as that exercise was in, it does state a truth. Its time for me to walk away, seriously for a while and heal. For the past 60 days, I have been emotionally compromised, trying to find a solution to a new and life shaking problem, opening my heart and my mind in an effort make something work, and trying to maintain my energy and strength as a father of two beautiful sons. In spite of migraines, chest pains, depression and other maladies I kept pressing forward, I've ignored these problems for years and even after Jehovah told me to sit my arse down I kept defying him until finally succumb to my injuries. Let me be even more frank, I should have walked my ass into a hospital a month ago, but fear of appearing weak, fear of losing, not wanting to leave my sons behind with no help forced me to keep going. I knew my tank was on empty that Friday before the love lock down weekend, but I lacked the words to tell her, I felt it would run her away. I felt that my sons mother would feel abandoned by me or rather I was shirking duties; she lost both parents in 2008 and kept on going. Here I was needed to fold over a situation most people feel isn't important.

But the fact of the matter is this, and a few others are very important to me. Although she often forgets it, I was stung by Wei Yan this summer, maybe not to THIS degree but still I was upset at her dealing with Ken. Truth is when I care, I care and there is nothing I cant do about it. If not caring is part of the definition of being a true man in this era then I respectful decline the label of true man and reject the included definition. Even now I'm not sure what stops me from walking into EMHC for two or three weeks and healing, perhaps its pride, perhaps I want to truly try to learn about Jehovah's restorative powers. I just know today my grief has reset itself at one. I am no longer ashamed of this, and no longer will run from it despite cries from my "people" that I am a "pussy", "weak", "irritanting", "whinnying" or no "longer a man." Its funny from a community that professes Christian faith and love they seem to forget the counsel found at 2 Timothy 3:1 which states: "But know this, in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here." This is apart of the system of things. Hell even Jesus gives me permission to mourn in laying out the 9 happinesses in Matthew 5:1-11. In verse 4 Jesus states "Happy are those who mourn, since they will be comforted." I need to heal. Seriously. The warning of Nickjack came true: the patchwork healing wasn't going to last because in a face of a serious crisis, which a Love Supreme was, I would break.

So I'm doing what any true man will do. I'm counting my loses and accepting I cant answer the bell no more. I pray, dearly, that my friends and family understand. But if I never heal, my sons wont ever be properly trained.

I want to state for the record, that no matter what happens I don't hold anybody responsible. My mental health is my responsibility and while there were factors, while I do believe people could have been more considerate it is my responsibility.

Today, I'm going to call EMHC and take that mental break and deal with the fall out later. Perhaps one day, when I'm fully restored with the combination of secular and spiritual healing I will be whole again. But today..these rolling emotions show me the truth. Its time to retire.


*Lays Captain's rank on the desk*

Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
5-27-2009
1:21pm

Checking In

What's up Snarky Mofo reading this? Nothing much on this end other than I decided to take few days off from writing just to clear my head, gain control of the rolling emotions (which this week is hovering between anger and angst) or at the very least work through them and continue my wonderful walk towards Jehovah.

The storm itself has passed, and while there are still the occasional Grey skies and rain (argh I hate the rain. Mother nature is a rude beeyoch) things aren't that bad and is kinda looking up. Two interviews, teaching possibilities and of course the love of snarky preteen and wild child make it good times, in spite of.

I also believe that I have found the final elements in what caused that perfect Storm which was "A Love Supreme": interpretations and a lack of a higher moral compass. I will go into that in a later piece when my thoughts are a bit clearer.

OK this piece is getting longer than I expected. Just wanted to drop a line from the Blackberry while stuck in traffic and say PEACE, LOVE and SOOOOOUUUULLLLL.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-28-2009
4:01pm

Another Simple Truth...But then again isnt the truth always so simple?

A beautiful song I took time to truly listened to for the first time.....

When It Hurts ~Avant.

Can you take me telling you the truth
When I know the situation is shadiest
But my girl, will you...
Believe when I say I knew that you be tripping

So I slept out in my ride in the driveway
So before we get into the things that we shouldn't do
Imma need your undivided attention
Cause it's fantasies and reality
Baby which one are we living in, oh

When it hurts, will we still be
The same two lovers
All over each other
When it hurts, will we still see
What we got together
Promise that we'll never
Never ever be
Temporary (Not Another)
Ordinary (Uh uh)
We should change people's definition of love
So forget what you heard
The only way that this will work
Is if you love me when it hurts
Can you love me when it hurts

I don't wanna blend in
With every other relationship that be falling in and out girl (Not us)
I knew that I tripped
Cause every time we argued
I think about having someone on the side girl

So before we get into the things that we shouldn't do
I'm a need your undivided attention
Cause it's fantasies and reality
Baby which one are we living in, oh

When it hurts, will we still be
The same two lovers
All over each other
When it hurts, will we still see
What we got together
Promise that we'll never
Never ever be
Temporary (Not Another)
Ordinary (Nuh uh)
We should change people's definition of love
So forget what you heard
The only way that this will work
You gotta love me when it hurts

Babygirl we gotta face it
There'll be times that we let each other down
And on the days that you ain't feeling me
Will you be able to stick around
Cause anything worth having's worth fighting for
If we really want this thing to work
We gotta go to war
Girl, I'm in this thing
I mean really in this thing
But through the tears will you still be here

When it hurts, will we still be
The same two lovers
All over each other
When it hurts, will we still see
What we got together
Promise that we'll never
Never ever be
Temporary (Not Another)
Ordinary (Nuh uh)
I wanna change people's definition of love
So forget what you heard
Cause the only way that this will work
Is if you love me when it hurts (When it hurts)

When it hurts (When it hurts)
Do you love me when it hurts
Girl when it hurts (When it hurts)
When it hurts (When it hurts)
Do you love me when it hurts
When it hurts (When it hurts)
When it hurts (When it hurts)
Do you love me when it hurts
When it hurts (When it hurts)
When it hurts (When it hurts)
Will you love me when it hurts

Straight, No Chaser,
TLT
5-21-2009
9:49pm

Teach Me Cause I'm SOOOOOO Confused Right Now.

"But know this, in the last days
critical times hard to deal with will be here"
~ 2 Timothy 3:1

I've often wondered if I am a man outside of time, out of place. I've felt that way for a long time. I believe I first encountered this feeling around 2004, when I attended a better yourself workshop. I listened as, well at least my POV, all the keys to living a "happy" life revolved around pissing on people. DO you. Make you happy. Etc. Immediately, being the over analytical snarky mofo I raised my hand and asked "What happens if doing you hurts the community. I mean a crack head is doing what makes him happy when he robs your mama, should that be allowed." I remember the presenter hee hawing about for an answer and dismissing me as thinking too much.

I've wrestled with that notion for sometime, because I have seen and admittedly done shit that made me happy at the expense of the the community and other people. I am told to do me. I don't know.

I'm at a cross roads because I've learned that the qualities I thought made me a fine man: compassion, loyalty, honor, dignity, adherence to order and rules, loving and giving nature in fact where seen as weakness and seen as "suffocating","insecurities", "possessiveness".

This realization utterly messes with one's...man I don't even have the words. I thought that was wanted desired in a King, in a Teacher, Head, etc. To learn that those things are weird and one needs to be carefree, not give a fuck, or whatever this new post modern shit is utterly dishearting. Honestly, its shit like this that makes you stab yourself and commit seppiko me really question my dedication to the concept of Black love and wonder if I should just go straight into the ministry. I do remember a scripture by the Apostle Paul advocating we stay single and dedicate our lives to Jah in 1 Cor 7:27-34. Everyday that counsel seems more and more logical, given my qualities as a man, and the reality I'm facing in Black love. (Of course being the sex addict I am, I have no early clue as to how I could survive sans sex and not fornicate which would make the whole serving Jehovah right concept go out the window.)

All I know is in the beginning I was told "I need A, B, and C." I looked at my skill set and said "Hey I can provide A, B, C, as well as D, E, and F." I did that and now I am being made out as some kind of weak man, a villain for loving someone. That fucking hurts. Like hell. OK..I can be the villain I'll admit that. But weak? No. Pussy whupped? Debatable. Crazy? Most assuredly not.....yet.

Also in the interest of fairness perhaps it isn't the qualities but my implementation of those qualities. I might not be doing it right. But I mean how do you love? Nurture? Show admiration? Is there a text book? A cool way to do it? I'm utterly fucking confused. I really am. Musiq's song "Teach Me" comes to mind:

I was told the true definition of a man was to never cry
Work till you tired (yeah) got to provide (yeah)
Always be the rock for my fam, protect them by all means
(and give you the things that you need, baby)
Our relationship is (suffering) trying to give you (what I never had)
You say I don't know to love you baby
Well I say show me the way
I keep my feelings (deep inside I)
Shadow them (with my pride eye)
I'm trying desperately baby just work with me

I just don't know snarky mofo reading this. What am I doing wrong? How can loving someone be wrong?

It has got to be implementation. But as I said how do you implement love?

It's crushing to know you gave your best and then it wasn't good enough. It's crushing to know the qualities you believe are lacking in the community are seen in such a negative light.

I refuse to believe this is the truth. I cannot. It has to be implementation. But I don't know how to implement.

Teach me Jah. Please do because I'm not understanding and lack of understanding mixed with grief can put a man's mind in a horrible place. I am questioning myself and my worth. Irony. Fucking irony. This is so familiar. I've seen this before but cant place it where. I didn't live it but I've seen it. I'd settle for the crying to come back over this feeling I swear.

This one is gonna fuck with me all day. ALL day.

I'm go try to enjoy the sun and forget.

Enjoy the day blogspot.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-20-2009
9:25am

Faith, Friendships, and Futures.

"I know there's confusion.
But Jah's gonna see you through yeah.
Peace, AFTER Revolution. But you'll pay tho...."
~ Other Side of the Game

I've always liked the above quote. I always seem to remember it during challenging life defining moments, and the moments in between moments, to let me know that no matter what there will be a positive change, Peace after the Revolution...even if I got pay a little for it.

Peace is a component of freedom and I heard somewhere that freedom isn't free. ;-) In my never ending quest for peace, or at least a permanent peace, I've been forced to pay a few dues.

But the purpose of this blog isnt to wax on about the prices I've paid but rather just to let you snarky mofo reading this that I've been doing ok, each day a little better than before because if nothing else I am a soul survivor and that is what we do.

I've found a certain peace in fatherhood. I can't explain the immense joy I have in being with Snarky Pre-teen and Wild Child. Its funny to see them interact, both possessing my extreme qualities as their main qualities. Its like watching my two sides talk to each other.

The detox (modified) and liquor break seems to help my spirits. Hopefully by the end of this process I will have gone back to my diet of only fish and poultry, with the eventual move to only fish, then vegetarian. I've neglected my diet for some time and I think as embark on everything else I might as well put that in order. My lunch of Caesars Salad, tea and rice affirms this shift.

I am continuing my journey towards Jehovah, and I admit its harder than I expected. My pride, in conjunction with starting this walk with a faith level of like 1.5% makes letting go and letting Jah difficult. I am trying though, and I am well aware of the counsel found at Hebrews 13:7 "...who have spoken the word of God to you, and as you contemplate how [their] conduct turns out imitate [their] faith." In essence I need to be minded on this walk that what I say and how I act will be monitored. As real as my emotions and feelings are, even at their lowest, I cant allow them to not properly reflect a man who is walking towards and will one day be a complete Christian man. I am being watched, esp by my suns and I need to make sure I am at best even when I am not.

I need to also repair the rift I've created with BFL. I was chastised for my cold behavior towards them yesterday by a number of people; the truth is they are working diligently to help me out of the darkness, help me combat this new creature. I can not disrespect a ten plus year relationship by scapegoating them.

Well that's it, I'm going to finish watching Star Trek and enjoy my day. I'll most definitely let all know when my teaching scores arrive..

Pressing forward and answering the bell

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-17-2009
9:07am

Pride and Consequences

"That's pride fuckin' with you. Fuck Pride! It only hurts, never helps."
~Marcellus Wallace

Shut up snarky mofo reading this. It seems my uh "fishing" trip got canceled. So I'm back to blogging.

OK seriously, I realized after a withdrawal induced mania last night that I've come to rely on this lil blog to help me think things through. I do believe that writing offering me a release second only to prayer. It helps me process and honestly talk it through to hypothetical mofos who may or may not be reading. Still, I imagine what a lot of my readers would say and that would gives me a sense of comfort.

So...

Pride:

Against better judgment I came back to Facebook. Honestly, staying away was best for my mental health, but peer pressure brought me back. My honor and inner strength was questioned and in order to prove folks wrong I logged back on to join my family.

Proverbs 16:18 IMMEDIATELY comes to mind: Pride is before a crash, and a haughty spirit before stumbling. I just learned that yes, that sting is VERY real. So are the bruises that come from the fall.

It made me take pause and question who my friends really are and what is their motivation. I say this because when the inevitable fall out from my "withdrawals" occur, I am often left alone or my emotions shrugged off. I can count on one hand the folks who truly bothered to understand me and where I am right now, most dismiss it as a weak moment and I should get over it. The rest seek to manipulate this time for their own ends and agendas.

No wonder I went, as my mom said, running back to Jehovah. It's also ironic because I used to consider people who did this as weak and unable to handle shit. I see now my ignorance was astounding.

I'm now weighing if I should leave Facebook all together. It's obvious I can't handle the sights and sounds on that site. It only makes me sad which isn't a problem. What is the problem is how I'm often left to pick up pieces of a man, tired and without much assistance.

Riddles:

Query: How do you ask a question you KNOW will only make matters worse without making matters worst?

The obvious answer is not to ask the question. But what happens when what you see and read begs questions.

Again an obvious answer is stop reading. But I think it's too late for that.

I want to ask someone a question but I am weighing the cost and honestly I've asked before. Yet something in my spirit and instincts are telling me that contrary to what I want the fact is I am being slowly phased out, I am being forgotten and she does have a new boo. (Irony alert)

As I drawer closer to Jehovah, the son will try his best to stop me by striking at an obvious weak point. I also realize the son of the mourning tricks are many, I realize that my judgment has been very clouded and honestly the first answer is probably the truth.

Correction the first answer is the truth. I need to be moved by faith and not by sight.

I just need to hear that I'm missed and loved. But as I once told someone what you need might not be best for me or the situation. Its honest but it doesn't take the sting off. (Irony alert)

I don't know. I realize this is an extreme moment of irony and karma. I also am beginning to believe Jehovah will lead me out of it.

Consequences:
So as a result of my pride I opened myself up to riddles and questions and fucked around and had a withdrawal attack. Truth is this is my path and my struggle and while I do have those that support, I also accept I'm own my own. Truly it is just me and Jehovah. I have resolved not to ask the question, but rather I will pray on it and try to have faith. I may not ever hear it again but I will try to find solace in the fact that I once was. I am struggling today whether to leave that site alone because every time I see the banter my mind will wander, (like my banter used to annoy her) and then with....drawals...and..then loneliness and then the cycle starts all over again..

Butch was right. Pride always hurts, it never helps.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-2-2009
12:27pm

A Love Supreme: Resolutions

Morning Blogspot and snarky mofo's reading this. Yesterday turned out to be a very positive day in spite of some mild emotional bumps I took. Before I begin I gotta give a shout out to my elders, Ishamariablanca and my younger brother who let me lounge on the Xbox360 while I waited on a phone interview. That truly was a therapeutic three hours of my life ya dig?

So this morning's topic is resolutions.

Late yesterday I talked on the phone with my elder Uncle C.M. who is our relationship guru in Black Studies. I mean this man is utterly brilliant. I've adopted a lot of policies from him like the ability to compromise (there was a time I didn't compromise in a relationship at.all.), best leadership (which seeks to dismantle gender roles which may not be in the best interest of the relationship)* and not going to sleep angry. I had already forwarded him the file on me and [classified] so when I sat down with him he had a LOT of things to say. I really was thankful for this because I truly believe our generation really don't know much, we're arrogant and not built for protracted struggle, that's part of the reason we cant save our communities. The elders are, but sadly their getting older and cant function on the front lines...damn I digressed. My apologies. Basically, what I'm saying is in certain matters and the heart is one of them, I try to actively seek the wisdom of people who've been married and happy for a number of years. My single, bitter, homies can't offer much insight. I mean really. I know you dudes. BFL niggaz.

Uncle C.M's insight was bittersweet. He affirmed my belief that this could work. He is usually right on the money. He affirmed that there is "no easy button." Yet he affirmed that my notion of struggle, is rooted in an arrogance I carry, being the "Soul Survivor" and "Comeback Kid". In fact his exact words to me were "You are very arrogant. You've won a few battles, you've done some things that most people didn't expect you to, but you're not the smartest muthafucka in the room."

Damn.

But I can see that. I've done that often in my dating scenarios and I damn sure did it in my relationship too. I do believe surviving the longest night and the build up to the longest night gives me insight and discernment. I do think most folks would have folded. But really how do I know that? More importantly, while it might have been traumatic, it most certainly IS NOT the only situation one has to overcome.

Good point. Guilty as charged.

What he said the basic problem was is that neither of us was willing to make the sacrifice required in a relationship: Individuality. While laughing, he mentioned he never seen to people who profess to love each other so much use the words I, Me, My. He pointed out that for my hyperbole, I was not willing to give up my rigid defense system needed in a new dynamic, while some shit said and done was definitely difficult I should have washed over it. But my arrogance and unwillingness to surrender that part my individuality was not productive.

Our conversation was three hours, but here's what i got from the notes, and yes I took notes because he truly is a scholar and when a scholar speaks you take notes. Here's the main points:

• You can't have a dynamic with both parties have one foot out the door. In terms of me, that one foot out the door was waiting on "the problem" to arise, and when something connected to what I saw as a problem arouse, I freaked out.
  
• While compromise is important, what's equally important is knowing what to compromise. In essence, my policy reversals were not in line with my personality she grown to know and it really makes me look unstable. Its admirable to seek the middle ground but I need to be mindful always when and where to apply this.
• I need to stay off the net, blogging aside. In fact I'm going to take a break from that. He reminded me things get lost in translation and there is a such thing as a couple who is too connected to the net. He told me point blank there is a serious problem if you update Facebook or blog first thing in the AM and not call your mate.
  
• Get over it. He said that to me several times about a number of situations. I've heard that before from a female elder in terms of us. He told me in essence I need to get over "petty" insults, and reminded me I was trained in the house of OH, and most of the stuff I've bitched about isn't even petty insulted but miscues. Miscues happen in new dynamics.
• Neither one of us had to acknowledge or rather deal with the other's past for any reason, or the issues that may arise. Our focus was/should have been the present. That (or past) was our past and our cross to bear. So no she didn't have to understand my crazy anonymous blog stalkers any more than I had to acknowledge her past. I had to understand it but acknowledge didn't need to be in our repertoire.
• In terms of co parenting, I need to mind my business. As long no abuse place was taking or they were creeping behind my back that need not be my active concern.
• This is long.
• Not talking about the problem won't make it go away, and one of us needs to stop the b.s. and call or email. We wrote and put a lot of beautiful things in the universe in front of the creator; we need to resolve that in nothing more than to save the friendship and to ensure our boys stay connected. *folds arms. I ain't calling*
• Get over ourselves. I've heard this at least 60 times but the way he said it was like really painful. He laid a critique out to honest and brutal I ain't gonna post it, but basically said it ain't that serious for either of us, and there are couples with real problems going through real shit and all this new age theatrics aside it ain't that serious. None of it.
  

"Terrance, you both need to get over yourself, ok, ok. Seriously there are real problems couples go through and what I'm saying is this isn't one of them. Get over yourself".

That line stays with me. Ishamariablanca said it, my mother aunt said it, BFL said it. I mean a few comments which I didn't post said it. Get over yourself. Ourselves.

As crazy as this shit has been, and its been a while ride, when I look at it from the lens of other people, my loved ones who are gonna tell me truth like The Emperor or the Uncle I can see that.
These men have gone through some real shit, and honestly our complexities ain't shit to them. I felt bad wasting 3 hrs of his life when it was really simple. We need to sit down, hold hands, talk it over and say as middle sun advocated I'm sorry. Before anything else we had a beautiful friendship, more important we are two stubborn coons who love each other. That warrants a sit down, like adults, with a couple of bottles and get it ALL OUT. As Uncle said we'll either come out of this meeting stronger and back on track, or at the very least saved the friendship.
Stubbornness is really not a productive trait, neither is my self righteous snarky posturing at this moment.

I guess that is why I entitled this resolution. I do think once the anger and emotion, my wonderfully rolling emotions subside then we'll truly be alright. Today, as much as human possible and logical, I am over it...in terms of being mad. I'm sad that I've lost two weeks on this nonsense, I'm sad my suns missed their friend, but anger and disappointment is finished.

I am sorry and I do apologize.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-16-2009
10:20am


*Author's note: This was supposed to be a two part piece about a conversation I had with two people yesterday about how I did them, but suddenly I got lazy and I decided I'll comeback later. Its nice outside and posting to you people is making me miss my day.

:D

TLT*