Side Effects of You: Kill Bill

*Author's Note: 4-17-2014. This was intended to be the culmination of a five part series that lead to the Good Friday blog, however after a few Blue Moons, I think creatively, it might be best to start here posting this one first, and place it after the Good Friday Blog. Emotionally, I probably need to dump the emotions tied to the final entry as this has had the most profound impact on me. I've started this entry no less that 20 times and I think tonight in between beers sips and tears I can finish it. Let the weekend of dying and ultimately healing continue. I will return to write the author parts at a later date.
Soli Deo Gloria
TLT

"But what a fool believes he sees
No wise man has the power to reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing

And nothing at all keeps sending him..."

~What a Fool Believes (The Dooby Brothers)

I debated on whether to include this final entry in this series as writing about this topic ALWAYS brings about more complications than being silent. But then I asked myself who is it more complicated for: me or the others in my space whom this topic is uncomfortable. However, the first rule in coming out of retirement was no censorship so I might as well be completely honest and write about this person that has left a side effect on me. I'm not sure side effects are even the most appropriate term. Side effects don't last a long time, unless they are residual. This is more than that. This is a gaping wound.

I thought long and hard about how to frame this situation. I kept asking myself what pop culture reference could I use that conveys the entire scope of our seven years together. Ike and Tina? Nah that's too cliched and intellectually dishonest? Batman and Talia? Close, but their dynamic was often complicated by proxy via Ra's Al Gaul. Then I remembered very simply a conversation she and I had some years ago about our dynamic and I realized I had the perfect example staring me in my face. Who we were, who we are can simply be found in the timeless love story (and yes it was a love story): Kill Bill.

For those of you who have been in a coma or living under a rock, Kill Bill is story about two dysfunctional arse people who took heartbreak and disappointment to the next level. I won't offer a full synopsis in the blog but you can either read it here or go check in out somewhere on the internet. I'll wait while you do that.

You finished? Good...now I can get started.. If you have been following this blog you know I've written about her quiet a few times as she has overlapped a number of seasons. She has been through a number of struggles. Yeah she was a major fixture in my life. Of course I'm talking about none other than Wei Yan. You can read about her here, here, and in a number of other posts. I'm sure if you goggled Wei Yan/Blackthought39 you'd get all the blogs mentioning her.   

So what makes this different. Whelp, to quote a line from the Kill Bill, I've never been able to tell the truth to her and what she meant to me. Honestly, I never told her the truth about anything regarding us to all but three people. Conversely, even now I believe she won't tell the truth about me yet that is all immaterial now. The difference is this there is nothing to be lost or gained because of one painful truth: Wei Yan got married. But more on that in a minute. Let's get started:

In our time together she was THE greatest:

• Student

• Lover

• Friend

• Ally

• Step Mother

• Confidant

• Weapon

• Source of Joy

• Source of Pain

• and ultimately enemy. 

As stated, I've written about our dynamic extensively in this space, perhaps as a way to try to make sense of how two people who loved each other so hard, so deeply could ultimately do so much harm to each other. I've put so much thought into US that this last entry in the series was actually written first. Somehow it just seemed proper and true to work on the side effect that had (and has) the greatest impact on me today. While the others do still run through my mind and spirit every one in a while,  more often and not this one keeps me awake at night. This one makes it impossible to ever listen to John Legend or even watch Kill Bill with the same lens. I've read our emails hundreds of times only last month stop reading that love letter she wrote me after my father died in 2006. Yeah. I read the same letter at least twice a month for the past 8 years.

Perhaps what makes this the so hard to process is that now with the hindsight of maturity and honesty, I can admit to myself that I truly loved her deeply. I loved her more than any other woman. Yeah I thought I loved others, thought others really were the truth and maybe a couple of them were that cold (after I this is a five part series) but Wei Yan was IT. I loved and cared for her. I just didn't know how nor want to know how to care for her by her needs. She become my "thing" and I stopped hearing her as a woman and a person. She used to accuse me of quitting whenever it got hard or whenever she didn't acquiesce to one of my demands to find something easier or as she put it an illusion of better. She often accused me of treating her as a tool or as some kind of pawn in a larger cheese game.

And you know what? She was f'n right. The interesting thing is that no matter how many times I thought I found better, the truth is none was better. None lasted. None out shined her when it counted. In all the attempts to break and replace her only one even came remotely close and ironically she's NOT one of the five. The truth is snarky mofo reading this is that I made a choice to get rid of one of the few people on this planet who loved me unconditionally (even if it was dysfunctional) and now I utterly regret it. This decision haunts my sleep and wrecks my spirit. It's par the course with me in matters of the heart. I get pissed, make an irrational decision and then I'm forced to clean up the mess. But this time there is no clean up. There is nothing. Not ever her children I claimed as my own. Nothing. I am deeply sorry for this.

Don't get me wrong I've FINALLY come to peace with the fact she's married. In the back of my mind and spirit I'm rejoicing that she found someone who could do what I wouldn't do. She found someone to love her and be all that I should have been but I was either to afraid or too stupid to be. I pray her marriage be blessed and long. I'm many things. I am not a hater and I don't wish for the worst. I want this to work.

Yet I'd be lying if I didn't say that I wish this was an alternative universe. In an alternate universe, Wei Yan would walk through the doors of this Starbucks, sit at my table and I'd simply say I forgive you and yes. I'd eat the backlash. I'd eat the losses. I'd eat it all because you know what I'd be where I wanted to be. I'd do everything from giving up Facebook to dueling multiple samurai's to make sure this time would be different.

And I wouldn't give two damns to what anybody thought about it. I'd actually hope and pray she forgave me.

But there are no alternate universes at least that I know of. There is the here and now and the promise of a better tomorrow.

Recently, I ran across a picture of her and her husband on twitter. She looked happy. Genuinely happy. My immediate reaction: I got totally sick. Pucking sick. I haven't been that type of sick in years. I threw up right there on the Red line and 35th. I couldn't even cry. I just puked. Then I went home and killed a six pack of beer. Nothing happened. All was left was me and my grief. 

Grief. Brother MB from school says I gotta get this up offa me. I need to write my Lamentations and leave it at the cross. (It's bad that folks know about her in Seminary. I've discussed her in Pastoral Care, with some students in Old Testament, and with some of the Black Seminarians.) He told me to cry and let it out and tonight I'm going to do that. I've already had a healing come to Jesus moment with another dear friend and now I need to have a moment with the Lord for me. I have no other option if I'm going to close this hole in my spirit and move on with my life. This has to die on Good Friday. It has to go in the tomb. I need to mourn and accept the truth. Castles made of Sand right....boy did I make this on sand.

Wei Yan once told me that the time for honoring myself would soon be over. She wasn't lying.  If I'm using the Kill bill analogy Kiddo got her revenge. She got her justice and Bill...got what he deserved....

Giving Honor to My Creator, Who is Forever Praised Amen
In Truth and Transparency,
TLT
4/19/2014
12:15am
*Originally started 1-31-2014, edited on 3-10-2014, and 3-27-2014. Completed on 4-19-2014

On Rethinking Black Love: Baby Daddy Blues

~Author's Note: I am not completely back from hiatus but I had to drop this in honor of the up coming Valentine's Day to express some frustration. I wont be back full time until around April~ TLT

"They gotta place self on the main throne before they can have a co-regent... otherwise, they'll keep on fuckin with the Joker"~Ekklektia

Happy Early Valentine's Day!

Sup snarky mofo reading this. I've missed yall so let's get right into it.

I.hate.baby.daddies.

I know what you are thinking: "Um, TLT aren't you a baby daddy?"

I am but at the same time I'm not. I'm not making sense? Well let me explain:

I used to be a baby daddy. I was that nigga who wouldn't treat J-Hawk, my BM, right to save my soul. I was a young cat and honestly I didn't know how to make heads or tails about family, being the man etc. So I messed up, she would get fed up and would try to move on. I really didn't care that she left until she started liking somebody. Then all of a sudden I wanted my family back, I cared, I needed her love etc. I kept these "emotions" until her new interest was dismissed or left and then when I felt what was mine was secure, I went right back to the same shit. This cycle continued until she got fed up and ended it; a few weeks later "The Long Night" hit and I had to grow up and accept some truths about myself and among those truths was that J Hawk and I were better friends and parents than lovers. So we evolved, created an atmosphere of truth and transparency and we made a situation that rivals what Will Smith, Jada Pinket and his baby mama got. It's real, peaceful, and honest. More importantly it has boundaries. Neither of us interferes in the others personal relationships unless: a) Money or property has been stolen/damaged, b) there is some kind of abuse or c) our children are disrespected or harmed. Outside of that, I can say with no hyperbole that neither of us gives two shits what the other does. I mean during the "LSC" and "DOF", J-Hawk didn't interfere or say one word until I went into the hospital for seven days. Then it became her issue because my mental health had failed, and that impacted my ability to be a father to those two heirs. She was concerned and wanted the situation resolved, not for her own gains but for our children. This is the kind of balance and respect I seek when I meet any woman especially after recent events. After the shit I am currently seeing and a meeting I had a lil over a month ago, I've discerned that sisters may not be totally emotionally honest when it comes to being over their baby daddy and that is hella problematic.

I love yall Sistas, but I need for yall to make up your minds. Seriously, this shit with the baby daddy(ies) has gotten outta fucking control. I mean really why do yall even claim single and start looking when you know damn well you still attached to this dude either fiscally, physically, or emotionally. I mean why even start something new when you know damn well as soon as this ass-clown figures out what string of words to put together you're gonna go running right back to him like rats to his pied piper?

It's not fair to the men who seek to build something meaningful with you (and possibly your children) and honestly it really begs the question of your integrity. I mean just be honest. There is no shame in truth and transparency. If you wanna wait 15 years for him to finally ask you to marry him, be truthful. If you really need his money to survive or pay your rent, be truthful. If you think no other man knows you but him and you know you're gonna forgive every sin he does because hey its all in the past, be honest. Stop acting like you through when you know you're not. That shit makes me cuss.

Now that the emotional clouds have been lifted, I am thinking/processing on all cylinders and honestly some of the shit I'm hearing, seeing, and living defies logic. Why do you need to have access to his money? Why do you need that information? That is some married couple shit right there. J-Hawk is my G, my buddy and one of my best friends, but I am sure she'll laugh in my face if I asked for access to or information about her money and would press charges if she knew I had such access/information to her money and vice versa. Tell me again why it fucking matters what he thinks about us dating? Why would should we/I be concerned about what he thinks about me/us when the last time we spoke was almost 20 years ago? Again I'm sure J-Hawk would utterly spit hot coffee at me if I crossed such a boundary. Why is he living in your house for the past six months? Ha comedy. If I stayed at BM's house more that two days she's putting my shit on the back porch. I'm a pretty fucking intelligent dude, so explain to me why I can't express love in front of your family cause it would get back to him? If you wanna marry me then why does it matter what he thinks? I can only imagine the look BM would have is somebody suggested she hide an important (sic) facet of her life to make me, the fallen king, happy or kept ignorant or both.

I guess what bothers me is that as a former scummy baby daddy, I know for a fact these niggraz don't want yall and just get a thrill knowing they can have this measure of control over your lives. They (and I when I was doing this) could give two fucks about putting the "family" back together or any of that other bullshit. This shit is about territory. He can't deal, like I couldn't deal, with another niggra all up in the woman he believes is his. So in order to remove that man, he plays on the one aspect that you are soft for, the kids, and you just give in. You shit on and shit can the brother who is doing right, for the one who promises to do right? So he gets back and does what? The same shit he did when you left. He's right back to lying, slapping you around, texting his ex, pissing away the money, ignoring your emotions, ignoring you, not fucking you right, blah blah blah and he's now even more extra because he knows you will get rid of a true king to eat his shit. He knows he has a infinite get out of jail free card. He knows he can fuck up, let you think you wanna leave, come back with tears and pleas of family and in a week you'll be sucking his dick and the cycle continues: wash, rinse, repeat.

Yeah our love life does reflect our real politics. I digress though.

Really Queens how many Kings are you gonna let go in your life because you can't stop fucking or fucking with the Joker? How many second, third, fourteenth chances you gone give the negro who has shown he can't do it and at the same time deny the brother who is doing it real chances? It doesn't take a whole day to recognize sunshine and honestly if he was going to do right and wife you up he would have done so. You don't fight to get back into a place to stay "babydaddy". Let me give you an example: There are three exes I have that if I ever got back with (assuming I am single if the chance arouse) I would marry a week after reconnecting. Why? Because you don't come back to be in the same spot. You come back to do better. Brett Farve didn't come back just to play football. He came back to win a fucking ring. So when you give him his fifty-fifth chance is he talking the championship? I seriously doubt it. I am willing to bet these convos ain't even happening. If these talks are happening, I'm sure it's the whole "when I'm ready/ I aint ready" type convo. As a former scummy baby daddy I can tell you that nothing makes his dick harder than to know he got control over you like that. He's laughing, your delusional and the good dude is kinda salty.

After taking time off to reflect after an emotional meeting (well it was emotional for me) I recently with an old friend, (in this meeting it was confirmed that she decided to give her baby daddy chance number 4,591) I was forced to take stock and look at my last committed relationship, my last few dating experiences and last attempted dating experiences. What I have discerned is that the these damn baby daddy dynamics are the major obstacles to anything serious I want to build, and its forcing me to put further barriers in place to prevent me from being hurt again or given the short end of the emotional stick. I am tired of the Baby Daddy Blues and I need to figure out a way to stay out of situations that will lead to me having BDB. But by putting up these barriers I am shortchanging possibly a good sister who might really want to be true, and might truly have an understanding of how this shit is done like me and J-Hawk has figured out.

Shit maybe Mary Mitchell is right. Maybe yall do need to just marry your baby daddies and get it over with. Oh wait. He's bullshitting on that. My bad.

I don't know. I am trying to figure all this out. I guess right now all I am asking the sisters I encounter (past, present and future) if you know you still got hopes and dreams for that Joker to be the King, don't waste my time, energy or emotions. Don't talk about building anything with me if you even got a minuscule hope that he comes around. Just leave me the along and wait around for him to do whatever he will do and let me be on my way.

Let's all act in truth and transparency.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
2-06-2010
9:16AM

Truth and Transparency: The FIRST Rant of 2010

"You want it to be one way..but it's another"~ Marlo Stanfield

You know I should have written the year end review the way I had originally planned, but true to the form of 2009, I kinda held back to make sure I didn't piss anybody off, hurt any feelings or otherwise create any more messes that I would have to clean up in 2010.

One of the more interesting phenomenon of celebrating a new year is our obsession to leave the past behind without reconciling any of the events, people or emotions that came with the previous year. It's like we believe that somehow at 12:01am on New Year's day we can just close our eyes and the events that lead us to this space and place would somehow disappear.

Oh snarky mofo reading this if only it were that easy.

The real truth is that despite all of our lofty proclamations to "leave the past behind" without reconciling any events or people we are simply setting ourselves up to have a rehash of the previous years events. I would submit that instead of closing our eyes and flying away to the land of make believe, the new year, esp the first month is a perfect time to de-classify files, achieve closure and then move forward. These things are essential in gaining closure, growth and ultimately writing history.

It was this narrow minded thinking that got me into the shit in 2009 and early in 2010 got old wounds reopening and feelings of bitterness, angst, hurt and all other synonyms bubbling to the surface. So I might as well deal with it now with truth and transparency the old wounds that somehow came running back in the early days of 2010.

If this blog were a real person I'd choke the shit out him. Seriously, it causes more pain than its worth, yet at the same time it is as one person put it "my bible" and its guar-damn-teed that the answer is found within these pages. I would agree with that. While I will take the occasional creative liberty, while I will sometimes hide folks name there is no hyperbole in this bitch here. How it plays out in the real world is how I write it here. My shit is concise and you don't have to guess. This space is rude, honest, painful, funny, sexy, and fucking well written. This is why every now and then I will write something that causes such a shit storm that I need to pause and address what was said. For example when I wrote the piece about my honor after being told I was fake, the dialog was hot and heavy. I deleted most of the comments cause they were just rude and only I can be rude in this space. Yes indeed, there are times when I drop a gem so good its gonna start a riot.

It seems the last entry in the "Reconstructing Memory" Series will be the next riot starter.

In the past 48 hrs I've been told my blog was "disrespectful", "judgmental" "harsh" "arrogant" "bitter", "part of a larger plot" , "games" and all sorts of other things.

My official response:
Are you serious? Fuck all yall. That's real talk there.

Disrespectful? My piece is disrespectful because I raised the point that I felt like a rebound? Really? Well I guess its disrespectful then because I do/did feel like a rebound, and judging from the information gathered, since party A went back to that space after we ended then that makes us *drum roll* a fucking rebound. How else can I feel when I was told shit like "not to show excitement cause it will get back to him" or introduced as "friend" and "frat brother", yet we planning a future and blending children. The entire world knew from hour one of day one who that person was, where they stood in my life, EVERYBODY knew who party A was. There was no question, no ambiguity. I was "all in" from the start. I didn't need to heal, soft peddle, hide, go around, and if then. She was (the) Queen. Everybody else was...well regular people. Now I dare any muthafucka to say that was matched.

*taps* I'll wait.

*stops taping*
Fucking exactly. It wasn't. Now, as I finish healing and begin to reflect I'm wrong for feeling like a glorified place holder? Really? I did shit right and by the book. That one can't complain. Nobody can complain. I got shit canned for defending my emotional space. I may have did it a bit rough, but all I was doing was fighting for something I thought wanted me. How is that wrong? What really fucks with me is this person also laid then entire LSC/Duel/break up in my lap. Really? Please tell me what great sin I committed that deserved me to be dumped then banished and treated like I didn't fucking exist. Oh wait I sent a rude email in that mentioned hate, and yes I showed up unannounced. Oh yeah I wouldn't take that bullshit laying down and took it to the mattress and fought. Oh wait. I was wrong for reaching out to "her", the enemy. So that got me banned? Wait. I'm sorry. Yeah we left out the part of the story bout me being so fucking out of it mentally, so hurt and despondent that my dear "friends" felt the way to help me was to bounce. So I reached out, for help clarity and answers. I went to the one person who fought and clawed for something they wanted and I believed understood. So fucking what. What did that have to do with me and Party A? Really? Even if I did reconnect....man let me stop. My reconnection had jack shit to do with nothing. Niggaz did what they wanted cause they wanted to and I gave them the excuse. Me and that friend are still struggling to define our friendship; party and her "ghost" are a family. You tell me how the shit looks. So I again raise the question what were these great sins to be banished and forgotten? Sins, yes. Cardinal sins. Hell naw. Maybe on some far away planet. Who knows. But on earth, I know niggraz have been forgiven for much worse.

Speaking of my friend I'm say this once and forever. Is the Ret Gen an ass? Yup. Did she try to whack me? Well yes. Does she play CIA games with people? Yes. Rowdy? Yes Dangerous? Yes. Was she one of the few people to respond when I needed a helping hand? Yes. Was she the one who helped me not kill my fool self in June? Hell fucking yes. These aren't contradictions. These are facts. I need for my friends who hate on my healing friendship with said General to ponder this real cute question: "If I had to go to somebody so wicked (their words, not mine) what does that say about my support network and loved ones?"

Yup. You sucked.

At one point in history this was my ace, the tip of my spear, my Tiger General. If we could ever get past the bullshit and sort through what went wrong and deal in accountability she will go back to being those things. Not a moment before we healed and made amends and not a moment after. I'll say it again: The General was/is/will always be a fucking asshole. Always. But at the end of the day she was something most of you were not: (insert word here).

Speaking of Generals, yo for real get over yourself. I've absolved what we did wrong and hold myself accountable for my mistakes. But real talk you ain't Cindy Lou. It's like the CIA telling the KGB they are victims. It's like Wei Yan acting like Zhuge Liang didn't like him in a vacuum. You fucked up too. As I stated above you're used as reason #1 why I couldn't go back and yet I defended my potential friendship/friendship with you. But I'm playing games. Oh you mean games like hacking, sleeping with best friends, using police tails, emotional warfare, fiscal warfare and shame? Those kinds of games? Pffft. I told you. This is my process and while I want us to reconstruct I wasn't going to deal with the mood swings and the breakdowns. Let's both get over it. Move on. Stop it. For real. If I was on some shit you would know. You've been my greatest student, best friend and worst enemy. We said we was moving beyond that. So I'm need to you make this shit easy ya dig.

You know Just Dre told me to post what I felt cause it was gonna come back. I should have. But now I've dealt with it and ready to finish the wonderful journey of my 35th year. Nothing is gonna break the heart of this champion. Nothing.

I always love and welcome readers. I even love the occasional riot. I'm just letting it be known though the days of soft peddling and compromise, esp when it comes to this space are done. If my words are to public, blunt, rude, or "tells the business" I suggest you....pray? I don't know.

I just know I will remain

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
1-8-2010
12:00pm

A Better Tomorrow: Allies and Agendas.

"I don't demand nothing I don't demand of myself:

Honesty, Loyalty, Friends and then wealth."

~ Jay Z

I started this entry on May 7th 2009. It was supposed to be an entry in The Love Supreme Series, but I put it off, unsure if I was being unfair and letting my pain cloud my judgement.

I worked on it some more in August, (after the fiasco that was my birthday party) as well as really reflecting on what happened, without some of the extra emotions during the LSC and while in the DOF. Actually, it was sparked by something W.Y. said in one of her more, uh "insightful" moments : "So basically you mad they didn't cry and help you chase after ___'s woman." It was a rudeness typical of her, but still made me truly think for a second.

Hell yeah I wanted them to cry and mourn with me. Even more I expected them to follow with or at least join me in the breach. I don't demand nothing of them I wouldn't demand of myself.

Ask The Tech.

Ask C.V.

Ask any one of them would I have rushed to the front lines with or without their request. Ask any one of them would I have not provided an emotional space to heal, regardless of what I personally thought. I don't think I got that in return and I say that will no malice or ill will.

I recently shared a lot of what happened in 2009 with my new Chief of Staff (and my other unofficial editor who was out on maternity leave during the LSC and DOF) and she being the insightful PhD she is pointed out some very interesting facts; She also pointed out some very interesting problematics. For the third time in almost six months I really had to step back and reflect on where I stood with them and they with me.

Central to reflection is the question "Am I being unfair?" I'm sure Ekklektia would argue so. She has often ascertained the roles and responsibilities I ascribed to them were ones that they neither had the skills nor understanding to tackle. In essence, I can't penalize them for a job they didn't know how to do. I have taken this wise council under consideration. Another Familia member has defended that it wasn't their responsibility to assist. I also took this under consideration.

But as I reflect on the whirlwind that was 2009, it is only natural that I look to my primary network of friends, La Familia, and see how they stacked up and assisted during the LSC and subsequent duel. Fair or not it is a necessary evil. While I am always in the midst of self reflection, sometimes I also need to stop and look at the external pieces and see where they fit. It truly makes no sense to review my internal while ignoring my external and vice versa.

But at the same time I am also hesitant. Hearing the above cautions and having lost one friend this year to the madness, I really am/was not keen on the possibility of losing any more. Yet not to look at the entire spectrum would be emotionally and intellectually dishonest, something I vowed I would not be even if it made more people angry. With this solemn truth in mind I began to look at ,with objective eyes, those who are in my inner circle. To this end I designed three questions which weighted heavily on my decision:

1) Are we on the same page in terms of world view, outlooks, and the terms of input and out put in our friendship?

2) During the LSC and subsequent DOF did they stand with me? Did they advocate and fight for me? If yes was it an earnest and serious commitment? Or was it a half assed attempt in order to just say "we tried, but it didn't work" Let me simplify: When my character and motivations were called into question and ultimately challenged did you, in clear and concise language offer a defense, clarification, etc or was the response something along the lines of " you know how he is." "Do you" or "I know girl". Was I defended and advocated for as I would advocate for others?

3) While I acknowledge my emotional well being is my responsibility and priority, the African centered thought stresses the village support and affirmations to those in need. Where you a shoulder to cry on? Was there concern over me? Or when my healing didn't fit your process was I left to my own devices. Simply put: "Regardless of what you thought of my mental state or the genesis did I have your support?"

If I soft peddle this answer then I can say yes, or even excuse the ones where the answer is no.

If I am honest and pure then the answer, as painful as it would be a no. With this comes and even more painful realization.

It is time to walk away from the active friendship and role in La Familia. It is time that I restructure my inner circle to make sure it includes those who would fight with me and for me, those who don't find my intellect a flaw and more importantly those who would provide me with an emotionally safe place should any other life crisis occurs. I can not find that here. Indeed, gone is the familia and replaced with a lovely council of ten, men and women who showed themselves approved during the LSC and DOF.

I am careful in my word usage. I said active friendship(s). I can never stop being a friend. I will never not answer a call or return a text. But in terms of hanging out, confiding in, or even sharing in victories or defeats on a constant basis, that role is not for me. We had a great run. We had a great comeback but now, I need to move on. It's almost not personal.

It's not the easiest of decisions but it is one that has to be made.

It's crazy though, that I spent years wanting it, dreaming about it and when it finally happens I am in a place of discomfort. It's just another causality I suppose in 2009.

As I finally complete this page, I do want to say thank you for all the years and memories. I do want to say that I love you all. I do want to thank you for those moments that will forever make me smile.

I think we're all gonna be better for this. I really do. This like everything else I've done for the past couple of months is in hopes of a Better Tomorrow.

Yall are loved. In spite of it all.

Until all are one.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-13-2009

5:55pm

The Sun Of The Mourning Pt.3: Altered Deals and Saving Grace

"Man I gotta get my soul right"~ Jay Z

It's 69 degrees and the wind is blowing perfectly from the east. Each slight breeze is a gentle massage on my skin. Anybody who knows me knows I love weather like this; the perfect 69 degrees reminds me of Nashville and when time was simpler and with a small pang of guilt life in the B.C. era.

I stood in the park enjoying the late night breeze, mediating on the weeks events; completing the meaning and struggling to find balance. Of course this moment towards balance was complicated by the swigs of Effen Black Cherry I was taking. Still the slight buzz and breeze continued to take over my body and relax my tight muscles. I was able to see the world, without time, and attempt to make sense out of my life.

As I stood there humming the lyrics to People Get Ready by Curtis Mayfield, the breeze that had so relaxed me stopped; in its place a gust of heat that seemed to turn this quiet night into a 99 degree day. Without missing a sip I turned and saw him walking towards me, each step a perfect stride, sporting a cream polo, blazer and jeans, and hair faded to the 9's. Par the course, he was the perfect mirror image to my current ragged state. I took another swig of vodka and tried to, as humanly possible, prepare myself for tonight's encounter.

"Good Evening Mr. Thomas" he said in an all to familiar voice, her voice, each step pronounced by the sounds of his feet hitting the pavement.

I don't speak. I take another swig of vodka.

He walks right up and stands next to me.

"The camp of a defeated army. Boy I never get tired of this scene. It's something poetically funny about seeing the hopes and dreams of people so determined smashed into bits don't you agree?"

I still don't respond. Instead I take another sip.

He points at the flask and laughs. "No Seagram's Apple tonight? Man a nigga get a job and now he wanna buy Effen, bougie muthafucka".

I still don't respond.

"Guess who I saw tonight? Heh she was looking good. Smelled good too. He got to be hitting that good and raw. I wonder if he stares with the same intensity..."

He is cut off by my sloppy swing. The first one grazes him, but the second is easily deflected as he blocks my arm and kicks my left leg out.

"Liquid Courage has been the downfall of many men. Don't let it be yours. Now pick yourself up. Somebody walks by and they'll see a drunk man in the grass." He extends his hand to help me up. "Let's play nice tonight Mr. Thomas." Every time he fucking says that I wanna scream but I don't let it show on my face.

Shaking off his punch and struggling for breath I finally speak to him.

"You're interrupting my meditations" I say as I finally take his hand and come to my feet.

"Meditations? Who? You? LOL. Ha Com.e.dy. Mr. Thomas you don't mediate. You brood. If you truly were meditating you would have discerned the answer by now."

"I'm so not in the mood for you."

"Why is that? You deal with strangers on your blog. What makes me different. At least you can see me."

"Can we get to the point? Does my "test" start now?

He laughs and it is a deep soul moving laugh. "No, I've changed my mind. No test for you."

"Interesting and why is that?"

"Simply you're not broken enough. I need you a lil more dilapidated than this."

I make a face and look at him "It doesn't get worse than this."

"Man, you don't know how bad it's going to get".

I walk right up to his face and tell him "Fuck you."

"Oh you mean like..." his words drift off. "You ALWAYS set yourself up for that."

"I heard you're a liar" and I turn and walk away.

He chuckles. "Stop talking to baptists. They'll steer you always steer you wrong."

He is beside me again, moving as if he teleported.

"Look Mr. Thomas, I got a deal for you. A better deal. Even you wont be able to say no to this one".

Sighing frustratedly and in a mocking tone I respond "Do an act of worship to me and all the kingdoms will be mine right?" For the first time in any of our encounters I laugh at HIM. I turn to keep walking.

His face gives away his annoyance. "Even better."

I keep walking.

"What could a man do with a 72 hr advance notice? Better yet Mr. Thomas what would you DO with a 72 hr advance notice" he asks curiously.

My stride slows and then stops. I turn around to face him. I am now feeling the full effects of the vodka and the world is blurry and unstable. The only thing I can see clearly is him.

"I could do miracles and prevent disasters with that kind of head start"

He pulls out his golden apple and takes a bite.

"I know. 72 hrs. That's a big lead"

My feet begin to move and I don't know why; he was away but now in this blurry world he's the only thing that is clear, close and not moving in circles.

"So what are you saying?" I ask my voice no longer strong, the whine I've come to hate returning...

"I am saying to give me what I want and when you wake up it will be April 2nd."

"2009?"

"Yes April 1st 2009. And the only trick will be you will know what is gonna happen...up until April 5. I'm offering you a reboot, a do over, and a cheat sheet"

I try to swallow and the lump in my throat hurts. I take a swig of vodka and there is no more. Did he just offer me a do over? A chance to prevent it all? I pull out BH2, hoping for a sign. My phone is dead.

Smirking he says "Oh I turned that off. I don't want us to be interrupted. What were you looking for Mr. Thomas? A sign? From him? You've done it his way. And what did you get? What have you gotten? Some other man fucking your wife? Ridicule? I'm offering you a fucking do over and you're standing there looking dofus like. Take the fucking deal Terrance. He tilts his head. If not for you do it for the boys." As he finishes his smirk turns into a full smile.

I feel the tears flowing from my eyes, I feel the hurt inside and I feel it all overwhelming me. My chest wants to explode, my head hurts and my right hand is extending.

I do what until that moment is unthinkable. I give him my right hand. I take the apple from him.

He takes my hand and it burns as I grasp his. The pain is a necessary side effect "No tricks?" I ask.

"None. When you open your eyes it will be April 2nd and you'll have all the knowledge you need."

I nod.

"Now you need to kneel".

I feel my legs giving out and my body going heavy. This is wrong, but right, its necessary. I've done it right and got nothing. Why not try him I reason?

Suddenly he turns and looks. His face blazing with anger. He lets my hand go and I notice he expression isn't anger but fear. Something has made afraid.

"We finish this later."

And then he is gone....

I stand in the park unsure of how to feel. He had me. He won. Why did he let me go. What MADE him let me go.

I decide its finally time to go home. I'm standing in the middle of a park on 79th drunk and that is a sure "get your ass locked up" combination.

I stumble across to the bus stop and there is an elderly sister I assume is one of the many hobo's riding the 79th street bus at 3am. I speak politely so she won't think I'm a threat and mess around and mace me or something, thereby making my crazy night worse.

"Good evening ma'am"

She smiles and speaks in a peaceful almost southern tone

"Hi baby." As if she's studying me, she asks "you OK? its to late for you to be out. Your wife is gonna be mad if something happens to you. Ain't nothing out this late but trouble"

"I don't have a wife, not any more at least" I say. Then I add "I'm already in trouble"

She nods "Yeah that's why I screamed for that man you was fighting and arguing with to leave you alone. He looked like he was gonna hurt you"

Now my face is puzzled. "What man?" I ask trying to be coy

"That evil man over there. Had I not said something he surely was gonna hurt you."

Suddenly my buzz is gone. Now I am wondering if ......

She walks up and touches my face. "Mr. Thomas, Mr. Thomas I know this is hard. I know this hurts but it is going to be better. You're not forgotten, disliked, hated and you ARE LOVED and thought about. Do not believe his lies.

She turns and begins to walk away. "Your soul depends on you remembering this. Baby the Duel of Fates is real"

I stand there stunned and in amazement. "Thank you" I say now tearful again.

She smiles. "You're welcome baby. One more thing. Have you discerned how he gets to you? Have you figured out what gives him the in path?"

"Thinking about her?"

"No. Your thoughts are love. He uses that as the red herring. When you discern how he gets to you, then you'll stop leaving him that opening."

She walks away and I lose her in the darkness....

Suddenly my phone buzzes and I get a text message. It's an old message but now it's in my new file.

"Mr. Thomas only Jehovah truly knows."

I shake my head when I realize that I was saved by an angel. I was about to yield and I was had to be saved.

That doesn't make me feel to good.

I go home and go to bed. I hold my young son as I try to make sense of tonight's events and how I was about to, had given in only to be saved. This will fuck with me for a while...this situation will fuck with me for a while. Man I gotta get my soul right...before I mess up my WHOLE life.

I need to figure out his in....

And prepare for the next encounter

The Duel of Fates Rages on.........

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-1-2009
5:30am

The Duel of Fates: The Winds of Change.

"T will all due respect"~[Classified: Security Protocols Activated]

Just got a text message that hurt like hell and kinda got me twisted.

No long blog today. It is a very emotional afternoon that will and can be summed up in a simple question I was asked today:

"Will you be like King Saul, fighting the winds of change, cursing the heavens, being disobedient and seeking the help of the "Star" forever tarnishing your legacy?"

OR

"Will you be like Moses, standing tall, accepting the change, leaving with dignity, decency and enjoying the view of the promise land with your legacy secure?"




Tis the Duel of Fates....

Saul or Moses.....

TLT
8-5-2009
12:40pm

Prologue to a Duel

"In order to reconcile the external, we must first reconcile the internal" ~BlackThought39

In this Duel of Fates I will have to choose:

Life or Knowledge

Knowledge or Wisdom

Forgiveness or Anger

War or Peace

Acceptance or Defiance

Reality or Illusions

Past or Present

Present or Future

Happiness or Honor

Pride or Humility


I will have to reconcile:

I am a King No Longer..a banished HIT silenced and forgotten; but seeking to be remembered and heard.

I created a problem and now that problem doesn't heed my solutions.

I am both strong and emotional.

I am stupid and intelligent.

I am happy yet sad.

I am complex yet simple.

I am strong yet fearful.

There are no expectations within the expectations.


In this Duel of Fates I will:

Have to make war with a General to create peace

Shrink in order to expand

Cry in order to smile.

Kneel in order to stand

Stand Still in order to move.


In this Duel of Fates I will have to either accept Jah or the Sun.

In this Duel of Fates......

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
7-29-2009
12:06AM

The Sun of the Mourning Pt.2:Knowledge and Wisdom

"But he got a righteous cause for sinning"~ Jay Z

My hands wouldn't stop shaking as I raced home, ashamed of my actions but even more surprised that I just did the unthinkable. It was the hardest ride I've ever taken, probably harder than that lonely ride home I took on April 4th; this ride was made worse because I had violated my honor code and word. Making it home was an act of Jah, a miracle, because not only did I have to fight the urge to throw up, I also had to fight a dizziness and darkness slowly overtaking me.

I pulled up in front of my house barely able to contain the bitter vomit filling my throat and mouth. As I opened the door everything I've ever eaten came up with a fury brought on by a sense of illness only a man like me could muster at a time like this. I catch my breath for a moment and I throw up again. And again. And again; each time shaking my body and hurting my stomach and throat.

Finally I got a reprieve, and I was able to compose myself long enough to get out, lock up the car and walk to the house. I make it to the door when the vomiting spells came again and I rush to my back yard dropping to my knees. This time my throwing up spells are compounded by tears flowing from my eyes, now adding the bitter taste of salt to the bile filling my mouth. I see the reflection of myself in a small puddle of water. I can't make out the image; I just see the dark silhouette of a man who had just broke one of his own commandments and now had to add that to the laundry list of things to haunt his soul.

As I try to gain composure of my body I felt hot, I felt dizzy and then I felt the darkness embrace me and calm me. I shook my head in disbelief because I knew this feeling; I knew who this was and what he wanted and this time I was afraid I may not be strong enough to fight him off. He was coming to collect on our agreement made at our first meeting.

He walked up to me right as I started throwing up, my vomit landing on his shoes. I try to turn away but can't. Oddly enough he doesn't get angry.

"Wow. These are my favorite Tims. How you gone throw up on them?" he asks matter of factly.

"My bad. Upset stomach" I respond wiping my mouth.

"Not a problem Mr. Thomas." he answers, motioning towards his shoes and erasing the nastiness like an erase on a pencil. Somehow he manages to sound like the only person to call me what without sounding like that person. It's as if he is running his nails on a chalkboard.

"Been a while since I've seen you. Last time we meet you were here..." and he pauses...his voice caring a sense of snarky irony "in almost the same state lamenting the same problem. Wow. How is that for progress?"

"Fuck you" I say struggling to get up.

"No don't fuck me. I ain't the one you wanna fuck" he says. His voice full of arrogance and crude humor.

I look him in my eye and there he stands. A mirror image of me, wearing a Black button up shirt, dark jeans and Timberland's with the sharpest haircut I've seen ever.

He's also eating a golden apple and holding a bottle of water.

"Looks like you've lost a ton of fluids. You wanna bite?" as he extends his apple to me.

"You know I don't want that shit" I say my anger boiling.

"You sure. You could use it." he pushes it towards me. This time I slowly accept it and take a bite. "Heh. That apple has gotten so many people in trouble. Folks always wanna know."

I realize that I have taken a bite of the apple that destroyed paradise, the fruit of knowledge, a bit of spiritual irony because the acquisition of knowledge (or non acquisition) at the wrong time can destroy paradise. I spit it out.

"Such theatrics. Don't be so gay. Don't you want to know?" He asks.

"No. I don't." I say as I struggle to sit on the stairs. He walks up to me and touches my cheek.

It's a familiar touch one that gives me shivers but is so uncomfortable coming from him.

"You are such a fucking liar. If you didn't want to know you wouldn't have________________. I mean wow. I expected such a thing from that lil general of yours, but your the Prime Minister. Wow!". Of course he puts "Prime Minister" in air quotes to add an effect. Shaking his head he continues. "It's only natural to want to know. I mean you're locked out. I've seen her. I'd wanna know who was touching that skin too. I assure you he's having fun."

"That's Wei Yan logic...." I say.

"And she's your mirror image" he chimes in and cuts me off. "You use the same logic too accept maybe you're a bit more.....grounded. Maybe."

I growl at him. " I am nothing like her. There are similarities yes. We're similar but NOT the same. She's crazy." I answer.

He cuts me off again. "No she's brilliant and she understands that these rules you've built are tired defense mechanisms of a man who truly wants to cut lose. Unlike you, for all your bravado, she is prepared to do what must be done." Then he laughs and adds "The student has out mastered the teacher."

Enraged I swing at him, but unlike our first encounter he doens't allow me to touch him. He easily deflects my sloppy punch by grabbing my hand and brings me to my knees.

"I tire of this T. You're not Jacob. You don't get to contend with this angel and live. Why can't you be honest?" he asks applying more and more pressure with each syllable.

Barely able to talk from the pain I try to formulate an answer "I have an honor code and rules. You don't break the rules". It feels like my hand is going to explode.

"Really? Interesting." he says as he loosens his grip. Suddenly he taps into my latent gift "The world without time" and he transports me to the moment when I send the Facebook message. "Where were the rules then?" He asks. I try to knock on the window and speak and tell that fool in the car to stop. But I can't. I can only cry as I watch him hit send. I close my eyes and suddenly I'm on her porch, anger in her eyes and she won't listen. I try to step up and intervene but I cant move. I watch the young man leave the porch dejected, knowing he has no idea of what is to come.

He let's my hand go. I am sitting on the ground crying now.

"Where were the rules and that prepared mind then Mr. Thomas?"

I muster enough to say "Fuck you! You don't get to call me that"

"Ah Fuck me? Like he's doing her?" he asks. Then he leans closer "I wonder what she calls him?"

With a quickness I never experienced I am able to gain balance and I get one good kick into his ribs and it stuns him nothing more. He laughs.

"Excellent T. Excellent T! Now let's use this for some real shit. You owe me a test. You think you ready for it. Same terms apply."

"I catch my breath and I sigh. "Yes. I've been ready. You didn't follow up."

"You think I'm going to tell you when I am gonna test you? Nah that would make this Duel of Fates shit soooooo pointless. Oh by the way you have a message on BH2."

I look down at my phone and there is a message. I open it and it's a blog.

With as much cruelty he can muster he asks me "Still think you gonna get YOUR file review?"

I close my eyes and end the message. I say to him "whenever you're ready."

He laughs again...this time his voice like crush glass. "Nah. You need sleep" His laughter and my slumping on the stairs are the last thing I awaken an hour later sweaty and stinking of vomit.

Drained, ashamed, sad and dejected I go in the house, take a long shower and lay in the bed. I'm tired. I am. I haven't had a bad day like this in a month or so and his visit only made it worse. I close my eyes and try to get some sleep, but I can't. In the early stages of the Duel of Fates I have lost a friend and I will sense there will be more loses to come. He also makes sense. The probability of my file review is low, and if past is prologue and a blueprint it may not bode well even if I did. This is not the reconciliation of opposites I have envisioned.

I toss and turn for a moment when my phone beeps and I get a text message. It simply reads "Don't read to much into the blog T. I know you. In your Duel of Fates things will seem like something they are not. Just keep praying to Jah for discernment and how to handle these trying times. The best preparation is to not to focus on being prepared. With love M_________"

I close my eyes and say a prayer to Jehovah. That message was right on time. It was honest. It was his gift to me; a reminder of how to act in these moments that will surely happen again. I will need him during this Duel of Fates.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

4-28-2009

12:01pm

On Black Men, Depression and Life Pt.1: An Introduction

There are many factors to consider when discussing depression in the Black Community:

• First, because of the racism in psychology and non profit there is not a lot of work done on the Black mind, as it relates to mental health, society and our stations
• Second, how the concept of mental health is treated against cultural norms, IE the church and how one address problems
• Third, the stigma of admitting one has mental health issues and how it impacts the best and worst of us in the Black Community.

Before I start this discussion let me first be open and honest: I suffer from clinical depression. So not only is this an academic piece, it is a personal one, written by a man who is currently in the middle of a major depression and struggling with answers. I understand that by opening saying that to the general public in particular and the Black Community in specific I am going to be subject to extreme judgments, ridicule, fear, banishment and anything else we can think of.

So why then openly talk about it? Well I honestly have learned during the Love Supreme Crisis that the Black Community does not understand depression. This was evident how my network responded: at best I was told to pray it away, at worst clowned. It was even more evident in how (the) queen looked(s) at me; she really believes me to be some kind of monster hell bent on making her unhappy and hell bent on spreading sadness. Neither of these paradigms are true. To be concise, a majority of our people depression honestly believe that depression is caused by one of three things: A lack of FAITH, low self-esteem and/or a lack of toughness. Depression as seen in the Black community is nothing more than the blues, part of our lot in life, side effects of our racial oppression and really needs to be taken in stride and with that one "has to keep their head up."

I understand that. Again, in my own personal context, depression has been oft times dismissed as a quirk, something to set me up for jokes later, and really nothing more than "T" being weak. Even now at a time where I truly need spiritual and emotional uplifting I am surrounded, like Job, by a series of "troublesome comforters"; men and women who offer their opinion regardless of the facts laid out before them. In their eyes all of this "depression" is over a woman, I need to move on and suck it up. I'll admit this was the final straw in a series of unfortunate events, the knockout blow to a wobbly boxer. I also think it is the focus because it is the most public of my trials; matters of the heart always garners attention.

However do not be mislead; losing (the) Queen was a major painful event, but by no means it is the only event. That is one of the reasons I am undertaking this task. I want people to understand this isn't some love sick moment. This shit was coming on before April 4th. I want people to see that depression isn't something you wish away, pray away or ignore. It is serious like cancer or heart disease and must be tackled openly. It is my hope that my that talking about it from the in the moment perspective will change some ideas on depression in Black men and help you all help us and not turn away.

There is one other reason, and perhaps the most important reason I am writing this series: I want it to be my living testament, my account of the Love Supreme removed from the emotions of the earlier blogs, but no less honest and candid. I did not properly document my journey before, during and after "The Long Night". I regret that. But now, this current crisis which I am putting under the "Love Supreme" banner has surpassed that in sadness and despair. Even as I write this I feel alone, empty and very sad. There are days I want to put a gun in my mouth and do it, and there are days I want to keep fighting. There are days when I think about my life and get so sad, I weep bitterly and there are days when I try to find the good things, like my sons about my life.

My sons are the ultimate reason behind this series, because should I fall I know that I will be vilified and branded. I want something written in real time by me to show that I was neither weak nor selfish; I was just a man who lost a lot of friends, a loved one and in the process died emotionally. I want them to know that I fought until the final bell and that I would never ever have quit on them unless there was no more fight. So this is, should the worse happen, my written testament to CJ and Debo. Of course, I'm not aspiring for the worst.

Let me reiterate: I also write because I hope my words can touch someone else in need. I know about this isolation, I know about this darkness. We are apart of a rich culture, being African Americans yet in that culture is a lot of ignorance. Mental Health challenges often are scorned as I said before and even admitting to them violates two major Black Tenets: Keep praying and suffer in silence.

There isn't a lot of help for us, but yet the signs are all in our community. To the "happy" people in our community, we're just low self esteem having, non positive, evil weirdos who deserve to be locked in a corner. Depression is the antithesis of Black Manhood and Blackness, we're not supposed to be phased.

But we are phased deeply. We're not monsters or killers. We ain't gonna hurt nobody (if I had a dime for every time I've heard that in regards to my depression or any other man's depression I'd buy a sports team) in fact is scientifically proven we're more likely to harm ourselves than anybody else. We are simple men who just stay sad longer, hurt longer and work harder navigating the mine field of life.

I sound like an after school special. I just know that clinical depression is real and I think for those of you who are open minded will appreciate this journey and come away with something rich and helpful....

I am also aware that there are those who continue to see me as a villain, a crazed weak man. I cant worry about that audience.

One final thought: This blog has been in the works for some time, and each time I've tried as much as I could to remove more and more self serving emotions. This IS NOT an attempt to sway or convince anybody, it is not about her. I am not trying to cast blame or make people feel sorry for me. I am only trying to educate.

Enjoy the next few blogs. There are my stories. This is my confession, walk with me on this journey.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

6-17-2009

11:30am

You Do Know God Hates A Coward Right?

" I knew you were a punk you will not publish that comment cause it is the truth you aint got nothing but you ridin people bout what they did not supply you. you gone 50 with nuttin so how those tire tracks feel " ~ Author Unknown (however judging by the venom spit it is someone who is truly scorned by me)

This is just one of the daily non snarky comments that grace my blog and sadly at times graces the blog of (the)Queen. At first I took them as annoying blips by women who were hurt, but now I'm kinda feeling sorry for the pour soul. Why? Well as emotional as Straight, No Chaser has been the past four months, by no means has it been a testament to "sadness". In fact I talk about my love for my sons and my God. I talk about my hopes and dreams of the future and yes since it is a traumatic experience losing the woman I wanted to marry I wax on about that too. But what I don't do and will never do is spit venom at her. I know at times a lot of my blogs seem like I'm taking shots; I'm not. I'm working through "the ways of the nation", trying to re-center myself and find a solution to a complex problem and if I'm lucky recenter myself and reclaim my soul mate.....when I am ready. While not materially rich, I am rich in other ways a fact, even at my lowest, I have never for gotten. More importantly, even if I dont have "anything" now as you claim, I do have something you'll never have: memories of a great relationship (albeit complicated) and a sense of peace. How ya like them Apples?


No, I'm not a punk however I do believe I've dedicated far too much energy to people who leave snarky, smart mouthed comments on BOTH our blogs, yet have no courage or heart to sign them. Seriously, if you have all this insight into me, she, or whatever sign your name. Open a dialogue. Don't hide.
I have been many things in my stellar career. I have had set backs and fear. I have not acted out of uncertainty. But the one thing I have never been is a coward. I don't honor them. I don't listen to them and honestly I think Jah's words on cowards can be found at 2 Timothy 1:7 and Revelations 21:8.


So no I am no longer posting anonymous comments from fake profiles or no names. You got something to say, then speak on it. Sign your name and let's dialogue. Stop vandalizing her blog. YOUR WORDS HAVE NO IMPACT ON WHATEVER THE DYNAMIC WAS OR WILL BE. Your simply a bitter person who just need to work that out.

Even with all the sadness and depression and struggles I can say the one emotion I've never had is bitterness. If she has moved on, if I never see her again I shant vandalize her blog, I shant harass her on email or twitter and I shant hate. I SHALL in the words of Destiny's Child "wish(ing) her to be bless, no stress and LOTS of happiness.

Perhaps you should do that too....

Now...dust those tracks off your back, pick yourself up and move forward. I am trying to earnestly through Jehovah, therapy, prayer and supplication. I suggest you do the same..because love laying there is just not sexy...or helping either of us.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
6-07-2009
1:38pm

Mirror, Mirror

"Jim, I just watched my planet get destroyed.
I am emotionally compromised."
~ Old Spock to Kirk regarding his alternate self.

"If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything" ~Malcolm X

"We will never surrender." ~Winston Churchill

Part of the difficulties I am having during the "Love Supreme" crisis is my inability to make accurate command decisions or tactical maneuvers. In large part, I have become emotionally compromised and thus often created more problems than I am able to resolve because this emotional compromise often made me have conflicting, fluctuating policies. In an emotional moment I would agree to "A", then a day or so later removed my intellect and honor code would kick in and I would have to reverse that policy or agreement to "B". Or I would say "no" only to realize the logical answer would have been to say "yes".

Needless to say this gives the appearance of total instability and makes it hard to honor what you say or take serious your word. Once this happen you've effectively lost the ability to command....the situation, respect, or anything else. I'll explain this further a bit later in another blog.

But this morning's topic isn't about so much policy reversals as it is about knowing when as, Kenny Rogers so eloquently sung "knowing when to fold them"; it is about in the wisdom found in "The 36 Stratagems of Ancient China" to retreat when necessary for survival. What was about me that when faced with what is clearly going to be a Kobayashi Muru situation, I refuse to fall back. It's not just my love life that I've done this, it has also occurred in my academic career (as evident by lower grades from insulted professors) my professional career (as indicated by the zillion write ups and occasional shit canning), and was present in my earlier aborted walk to Jehovah (as evidenced by my rebellious nature hindering my advancement). In simpler terms, what is it about me that once I believe I have the moral high ground, I lose the ability to "shut the fuck up" and will continue with my "struggle"? What is it about me where I'd win the argument but lose the war. Why do I need to be heard, even when being heard may not be the best policy course. I struggled with understanding; as water seeks its own level, I knew there would be at least two people in my life who shared this same virtue or flaw.

One was my mother. She doesn't know WHEN to shut up. She is going to prove her point and be right even if it means she's the only one in the room once she's done. I asked her why, and she admitted freely this could be seen as a character flaw. But she also, as I expected, stated that her dedication to Jehovah was as such that she had to speak truth to power, like Jesus did; as one of his follower's she couldn't hide from the her responsibility to be as truthful as humanly possible and not pull punches, esp among friends and family. She reasoned if you can't speak honestly to your loved ones then who can you be honest with? Fair enough. But mom's reason isn't exactly mine, I'm nowhere the spiritual creature she is. So I searched again and then I found the one person who's skill set mirrored mine, whose temperament mirrored mine, and who in the face of obvious defeat fought tooth and nail to be heard, even if it meant losing it all.

I needed to talk to Ret. Gen. Wei Yan.

I invited her to the park to sit and talk with me. We've had a fragile peace since I found out she wasn't the blog vandal and her alibis regarding some other actions checked out. I still consider her a great friend and at one time she was the best solider on the team. However, our relationship is strained, there is an aura of distrust and anger; condescension and arrogance. But even through all of this, she does have an excellent handle on my thought process and if I thought she wouldn't kill me at the first chance I'd actually have her as my number one. She is my mirror image.


As she walked to the bench we exchanged smiles and sat down. I had been reading my Watchtower and she wanted to make sure I wasn't trying to convert her. Once I assured her it wasn't I asked her a simple and direct question:

"General, why do we fight?"

She sat there and laughed. "We fight because we're right. We fight for what we believe in. We fight because not to fight is cowardice and we aren't cowards. We may lose, but we can sleep well knowing that we gave as good as we got, we didn't walk away or run. We stood our ground. "

I sat there taking it all in. It made sense. So I asked "Does that apply to love?" General made a face that can only be described as "what the fuck" and said "It definitely applies to that. I realize that I wont be your woman, but I fought the good fight and I'm at peace. We're friends, good friends even if you wont admit it. I fought for what I believed in and I'm OK with that."

"But now you're in my shoes. You have to decide for yourself if this fight has been worth it. My fight was. I can't advise you on this. Conflict of interest. Just remember Prime Minister that sometimes its a matter of Principle. It's the principle we stand on. You used to stand out because you had that honor code, you stood on principle, you didn't betray your beliefs for a greater good. But sadly you've allowed this situation and your beloved BFL to make you forget that. I know it got tiresome being the only one standing, the only one fighting but that made you sexy. That made you different from all these niggaz out here. You used to be THE man and A man."

I sat back. "That's ego talking General, because you lost." She smirked and retorted "According to my Intel so have you. Now who's operating on ego?" I smiled. She's a snarky mofo indeed. "Of course you're going to second guess me. You never approved of me and Queen. You never knelled before the throne." She leaned forward and said "No, you've spent the past two months second guessing yourself. Outside of my intel I read your well written, snarky blogs. And I no, I wont kneel EVER. It's the principle of the matter. I assure you, if or when she gets her a new boo you wont kneel either PM. " She laughed. "It's good we're having this convo. It means you're thinking again. I'm glad you're almost back to your old self. I wish I could say good luck. I'll just say be careful. "

She got up to walk away. I walked her to her apt and we shared a few laughs and ate some Mexican corn. I told my mirror image that she IS a good friend and I appreciated her talking to me. (Forgiveness is truly a Christan concept and liberating. I'll remember that.) As we hugged she whispered something I used to live by, but somehow forgotten:

"Terrance, there IS NO greater weapon than a prepared mind. Then she stepped back and added or spirit. See ya in the funny papers."

As I walked home, thinking clearer, less emotion and more intellect I begin to critically analyze the past two months, each time removing more and more emotion. Thabiti, my friend was correct the other day....it does get clearer with each passing day.

Who would have thought all I had to do was look in the mirror.

I didn't.

I gotta start my morning walk.

Enjoy the day blogspot and snarky mofo's reading this....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-25-2009
5:28am

Teach Me Cause I'm SOOOOOO Confused Right Now.

"But know this, in the last days
critical times hard to deal with will be here"
~ 2 Timothy 3:1

I've often wondered if I am a man outside of time, out of place. I've felt that way for a long time. I believe I first encountered this feeling around 2004, when I attended a better yourself workshop. I listened as, well at least my POV, all the keys to living a "happy" life revolved around pissing on people. DO you. Make you happy. Etc. Immediately, being the over analytical snarky mofo I raised my hand and asked "What happens if doing you hurts the community. I mean a crack head is doing what makes him happy when he robs your mama, should that be allowed." I remember the presenter hee hawing about for an answer and dismissing me as thinking too much.

I've wrestled with that notion for sometime, because I have seen and admittedly done shit that made me happy at the expense of the the community and other people. I am told to do me. I don't know.

I'm at a cross roads because I've learned that the qualities I thought made me a fine man: compassion, loyalty, honor, dignity, adherence to order and rules, loving and giving nature in fact where seen as weakness and seen as "suffocating","insecurities", "possessiveness".

This realization utterly messes with one's...man I don't even have the words. I thought that was wanted desired in a King, in a Teacher, Head, etc. To learn that those things are weird and one needs to be carefree, not give a fuck, or whatever this new post modern shit is utterly dishearting. Honestly, its shit like this that makes you stab yourself and commit seppiko me really question my dedication to the concept of Black love and wonder if I should just go straight into the ministry. I do remember a scripture by the Apostle Paul advocating we stay single and dedicate our lives to Jah in 1 Cor 7:27-34. Everyday that counsel seems more and more logical, given my qualities as a man, and the reality I'm facing in Black love. (Of course being the sex addict I am, I have no early clue as to how I could survive sans sex and not fornicate which would make the whole serving Jehovah right concept go out the window.)

All I know is in the beginning I was told "I need A, B, and C." I looked at my skill set and said "Hey I can provide A, B, C, as well as D, E, and F." I did that and now I am being made out as some kind of weak man, a villain for loving someone. That fucking hurts. Like hell. OK..I can be the villain I'll admit that. But weak? No. Pussy whupped? Debatable. Crazy? Most assuredly not.....yet.

Also in the interest of fairness perhaps it isn't the qualities but my implementation of those qualities. I might not be doing it right. But I mean how do you love? Nurture? Show admiration? Is there a text book? A cool way to do it? I'm utterly fucking confused. I really am. Musiq's song "Teach Me" comes to mind:

I was told the true definition of a man was to never cry
Work till you tired (yeah) got to provide (yeah)
Always be the rock for my fam, protect them by all means
(and give you the things that you need, baby)
Our relationship is (suffering) trying to give you (what I never had)
You say I don't know to love you baby
Well I say show me the way
I keep my feelings (deep inside I)
Shadow them (with my pride eye)
I'm trying desperately baby just work with me

I just don't know snarky mofo reading this. What am I doing wrong? How can loving someone be wrong?

It has got to be implementation. But as I said how do you implement love?

It's crushing to know you gave your best and then it wasn't good enough. It's crushing to know the qualities you believe are lacking in the community are seen in such a negative light.

I refuse to believe this is the truth. I cannot. It has to be implementation. But I don't know how to implement.

Teach me Jah. Please do because I'm not understanding and lack of understanding mixed with grief can put a man's mind in a horrible place. I am questioning myself and my worth. Irony. Fucking irony. This is so familiar. I've seen this before but cant place it where. I didn't live it but I've seen it. I'd settle for the crying to come back over this feeling I swear.

This one is gonna fuck with me all day. ALL day.

I'm go try to enjoy the sun and forget.

Enjoy the day blogspot.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-20-2009
9:25am