Revolutions and Rotations: Past as Prologue

Gen. Ross: How old are you, Blonsky, forty-five?

Blonsky: Thirty-nine.

Gen. Ross: That takes a toll, doesn't it?

Blonsky: Yes, it does.

Gen. Ross: So get out of the trenches. You should be a Colonel by now, with your record.

Blonsky: No, sir, I'm a fighter, and I'll be one for as long as I can. Mind you, if I took what I had now, and put it in a body that I had ten years ago, that would be someone I wouldn't want to fight

Gen. Ross: [thoughtfully] I think I can arrange something like that...

~The Incredible Hulk

There are four times a year where I enter an almost trance like reflection on what my life has entailed, what it is now, and hopefully were will it be. Ironically, these days each fit into a season so I guess once a season I stop and moreso than I usually do pause and ask myself really hard questions: These days are:

• The Day before my Eldest Heir's Birthday (Winter)
• Good Friday to Easter/Resurrection Sunday (Spring)
• My birthday (Summer)
• The day before Middle Heir's birthday (Fall)

It's funny that on this, my 37th birthday, this scene from Marvel's 2008 hit The Incredible Hulk popped into my head on my way to work. I've always loved this scene but I am unsure why. Maybe because it is my secret wish to have one 30 minute conversation with 27 year old me and just pour into him. So, as I got dressed and begin to walk to work, I really got to thinking about the man I was ten years ago and how much I didn't know as opposed to the man I am now and all that I've learned. I asked myself what would I go back and tell that brash young man as he approached his 30th birthday. I imagined me sitting down at a table with him, coffee in my cup and vodka in his (damn Augustfest) with us talking frankly. It's not hard to know what I would tell him. So on August 10th 2002 I would tell that younger me:

• that he should stop drinking. Ten years from now alcohol won't even really matter to you and when you do drink its something mellow like plum wine.
• listen to his friend Erica. Don't go to that apartment with her ole girl. Ten years from now you will lament that decision almost every day if you do.
• stop being an angry at your parents. Ten years from now you will crave their presence daily.
• that conversation you are about to have in the park about not being ready for marriage will hurt. But shacking is not the answer. Ten years from now you will see the wisdom in this.
• spend more time with your fellaz (what I used to call my Heirs). Ten years from now you will hate yourself for all the haircuts, potty training and moments missed.
• stop treating your body like garbage with the liquor and bad food. Go back to the only fish diet. If you don't ten years from now you won't be able to get out of bed without limping.
• listen to your woman. Craft you own nieche and brand. OH can be the base but you need something more. Ten years from now it won't even be an OH Black Studies Conference.
• protect your credit score. Ten years from now you'll wish you had.
• don't send that email. Ten years from now she'll sit be hurting over the aftermath of what comes next.
• follow your first mind. Change Sigma chapters immediately. You don't like these guys and they don't like you. If you don't ten years from now you will have a love hate relationship with your frat.
• let go of that Fisk hurt. It's all in the game. Ten years you won't care and nobody else will.
• stop fighting that knot in your stomach that keeps you up at night. That's holy spirit. It's real. It's not a white man's ploy. Get saved. Ten years from now you'll wish you did it ten years ago.

There is so much more I would say but the space won't permit and my ADHD won't allow me to write. However, the above is what I WOULD say for certain; These are the thoughts I would give younger me to help them change from a boy to man. Like Gen Ross would ultimately offer Blonsky, I would give him an injection of a type of super solider serum to help him be better.But the reality of the situation is that there are no do overs when it comes to time. There is no super solider serum either. Those decisions I made by and large are irreversible and on some levels final. I can never take back the email. I can never get back time wasted hating Fisk nor being frustrated with them dudes in INS. My heirs won't go back to being 5 and 3. I can't get that time back with Mom and Pops. This right here is the way those past chapters are going to be written.Yet, that's not all bad. While I have subjected myself to and been subjected by others to ogobs of pain, disappointment, and setbacks, the fact is I'm still here. I've grown, become stronger and still I'm convinced the best is yet to come. Could I have this faith of a Better tomorrow if I erase the sins of yesterday? I don't think so. I needed each and every one of those lessons and scars. I need each and every one of those reminders of what not to do going forward. Besides, who needs a super solider serum when I have something called Grace and Mercy. That and another day to get up again gives me one more chance to correct what messed up (if possible) and press onward.But almost as important as Grace and Mercy is the reality that I have my Heirs and Heiresses and many other young people that I pour into in the course of my work. I can give them the gifts I may not have appreciated and hopefully they can and will do better with them that I did. Hopefully my children will break curses and cycles and do the things I was either to afraid to do or not meant to do. That truth gives me a sense of peace.

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised, Amen.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

8/10/2012

5:31pm CST

Before Lovers and a Mad Man: Michael Corleone and The Kolinahr.

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."
~ 1 Corinthians 10:13 (ESV)

It's funny how things are affirmed and revealed to you at the most interesting moment.....

A week or so again I was chilling with my buddy Flo-Jo, maxing some veggie tacos, shooting the breeze about high school, arguing over who won the Jay Z and Nas beef, and watching The Godfather. It was one of those afternoons where everything was peaceful and one doesn't really expect to have a "Damascus" moment.

So while we are watching the movie Flo-Jo's face suddenly lights up as if she had an epiphany, turns to me and says "TLT, that's you. You're Michael Coroleone!" Being the coy dude I am I respond "You mean a smooth gangsta mofo that runs a city or two?" She shakes her head and with the most somber face says "No, your emotionally distant."

I dismiss the comment and we finish hanging out. Yet I couldn't get her quip out of my head. That wasn't the first time I had been accused of being emotionally distant. The late Queen Mother often said she feared the LSC/DOF era had left me emotionally broken; she wondered if anything outside of my children/family or my council could ever get to my heart (again). I spent the afternoon reflecting on Flo-Jo's and Queen Mother's commentary.

Later that evening I asked Babymama if she thought I was emotionally distant or capable of loving anyone outside the family. She pondered for a minute then said "Babydaddy, you been through so much b.s., esp that last situation that I do think you've built a wall. So yeah I can see their point." Since Babymama has always been a rude critic of mine, I really took what she said to heart. She does know me.

A few days later I was sitting and talking with my oldest sister and I asked her the same question I asked Babymama. Before I could get the question out good, she responded with "hell yes." Shocked I asked her why she felt that way and she said:

Well, from I've seen every since you and that gal broke up you've been quite distant to any woman that tries to get into your emotional space. You're dismissive, irritated, short tempered, moody, and look for any reason to cancel the deal. Dude, your like a tyrant. I honestly don't think you can love anybody not in the family. You may have forgive and forgotten but it should be clear to anybody with any sense you got a lot of emotional scars and you ain't bit more ready for a woman, let alone marriage.

I almost spit my coffee out. I never noticed this. I just thought things fell apart because things fell apart. I never really thought I was throwing wrenches in my own dynamics. All I knew was these chicks irked me with these rules, trying to change me, the fifty thousand questions, talking about how spoiled they were, asking about my finances, complaining all the darn time, the fourteen calls a day, the wanting to touch me, the interrupting my Xbox/blogging time, and definitely interrupting Daddy-Son time. Any minor annoyance was enough for me to hit ignore when they called. But now with this Damascus moment I had to do what I do so well and self reflect. I've thought about all the women who has either been or tried to be in my emotional space since April of 2009. So with this I've taken the matter to prayer and I realize the following truth:

I have become what I despise the most. I have become an arsehole in love.

*pause*
Somewhere I hear both Ekkletia and the C.O.S. saying "told you so." Be quiet negroes.

*play*
I confess I am saddened by this. I always believed in (at least trying) to be emotionally responsible and having been on the receiving end of some gross emotional responsibility last year or so, that is the last thing I want to be. But the truth, no matter how painful, can't be denied. I am an emotional jerk at worst and at best I have somehow managed to disconnect my emotions from my brain in the area of non-family relationship type love and or emotions.

The crazy thing is I suspected this but wasn't sure. I know I've been accused in recent times of being "unavailable", "distant","difficult", "aloof" and "selfish". I think the last charge struck me the most because the one thing no woman who was associated with me could say was I emotionally selfish. Yet, this adjective has became associated with me. I believe what is being reveled to me is this truth: While I am no longer at a place of bitterness and anger about the heartbreaks, esp last year I am not quite ready to hand my heart over again. Conversely, all of the heartbreaks I have issues has drained me also, so rather than irresponsibly break someone's heart I'd rather not accept someone's heart.

Long story short: I may not be ready for a relationship and I darn sho' ain't ready for a wife, even if being married is something I truly yarn. I need to pray on this more. Being a victim of emotional irresponsibly please believe it is the last thing I want to do is do that to anyone (again).

In the Star Trek mythology there is something called "Kolinahr", a ritual designed to rid Vulcans of emotions. I don't remember which blog I wrote this, but a year or so ago I asked God to help me get in control of my emotions and if I were not obedient, to remove all unnecessary emotion. I am now wondering if God has answered my prayer in an effort to help me focus on the things of God. Considering my never ending skill of attracting emotionally complex, conflicted, compromised and confused women, (which an upcoming blog WILL explore in depth) maybe God has put me in a place to attain my own personal "Kolinahr" until I am ready and completely healed so I can hear his word and follow his direction in finding my wife. Perhaps by utterly removing the one thing I hadn't shown the best discipline am I being prepared for the blessings. As I said though I am still praying on the matter. Until it is revealed anything else is mere speculation.

Still, it is something to really consider.....

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised amen.
In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
10-9-2010
5:32pm

Wrestlemania 19

"The tongue has the power of life and death, those who love it will eat its fruit"

~Proverbs 18:21(TNIV)

Recently, while working on my "Faith and paradigms" piece, I went and looked at some of my writings from April from last year. Now if you know me or have been following this blog for any length of time, then you know I am probably the most introspective cat you know. Thus, I was curious to see if I evolved at all; I wanted to walk through time and look at my mental during this trying period. I always said that was the major purpose for writing so much then, to document history and have a real time record of the challenges I was going through. I didn't go through the entire spectrum mind you, but rather I concentrated my retrospective on the first month, April, when all that began.

In what could be considered pure creative genius (or sheer desperation and lunacy) I clocked an amazing 29 blogs for that month. 29 blogs out of 30 days. Think about it: 29 straight blogs about a love lost, the struggles of healing, trying to find faith, seeking understanding, and all kinds of depressing stuff. Don't get me wrong, those works were brilliant, they were honest, at times snarky and funny as they were soul wrenching, but still they just showed a side of me in pain that I don't think anybody has ever seen before.

Last year, when I was discussing my heart and fortitude I compared myself to the great (and sadly now retired) HBK Shawn Michaels. I said that moment in time was my Wrestlemania 14. To quickly recap, Wrestlemania 14 was the last match HBK had before he left (at the time we thought for good) to have back surgery. He performed his behind off in that match and he did it hurt, he did it even though he was emotionally spent, and he did it because he was a true champion.

Likewise, as hard as I fell, as hurt as I was I endured and kept going. April was my very own Wrestlemania 14, the moment when I thought I was broken for good and headed towards retirement way ahead of schedule.

With this in mind imagine our surprise in the summer of 2002 when Shawn Michaels returned to the ring at Summerslam. It was like he didn't lose a step. He came back and performed at a level that rivaled and surpassed where he was when he left. More importantly, he came back with a sense of maturity and sense of peace that could only be described as inspirational.

Even more inspirational than his Summerslam match was his classic five-star match with Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania 19. This match erased any lingering doubts that HBK had not only returned, he returned better than before. If you haven't seen this match or don't know what the heck I'm rambling about I've left the link here.

Of course *sexy smile* this moment, this resurrection and return, is my Summerslam. It is my time to return to life better, stronger and wiser when I left. It is my time to come back to what I love, those I love, doing what I love and show my growth as a man, faith as Christian, and skills as a writer.

I know what you're thinking: "Big talk mofo. Sure you say you found your faith again, sure claim you got that swag back, sure you are declaring you back on you square but this is all talk. Do something to make us believe negro!"

You know snarky mofo's you gotta point. I do need to do something big. I gotta do something to prove to you guys that I am really serious.

What I am about to undertake will be my Wrestlemania 19. It will be show and prove that I am back, better than ever with my God giving me the strength to do this and all things. I am going to match my April output in writing with a twist: I am not going to write about anything somber, depressing, relating to heartbreak, meetings with the devil, or any other form of that I did during last year. I am going to show and prove once and forever that not only can I write when I am happy and feelin' fine, I am going to show and prove that I am connected to my Lord and Savior (who is for ever praised AMEN) and I am drawing on his energy for new creative inspiration.

Don't get it twisted I am not claiming to be a holy roller or Jesus freak or anything like that. This blog won't become blogspot's 700 club. I am just hella excited about re-connecting with my faith and being back on good terms with my God. I'm occasionally drop some sad/oh wow/make you wanna cry gem. OK, maybe a little more than occasionally. You can never really get rid of the classics.

Except this month. This month I am going to show that if I can function in the darkness I can function and want to function in the light. I understand now what Donald Lawrence (taken from Proverbs 18:21) was speaking when he sung: "One Word Away..the power of life and death is in what you say!" I didn't understand this in the midst of last year.

I understand that now. Last April I spent so much time with my head low in April shows. This year I am going to out stretch my arms and dance with faith feet in the rain.

I will have my Wrestlemania 19.

I hope you enjoy this ride.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-07-2010
3:11pm

A Better Tomorrow: Yesterday's Joy, Today's Anger

"I keep forgetting" ~Michael McDonald

Shut up snarky mofo reading this. I have a perfectly good explanation for my post.

I tried to stay away but one of my few remaining friends (who I've discussed the following blog with) told me I need to write to release some built up sadness and anger. Since this anger had been inside of me for lil over a month I figured I had to do something to release it.

I know I said December 30th 2009, but I also realized I had so much to say that my retrospective would have been six pages long. But I've never been concerned with length before and honestly that isn't why I am writing tonight.

Tonight, I am remembering one year ago. I smile. I laugh. I cry. I then try to bury the emotions but they bubble to the surface. My failures and fears explode and I realize some things. I realize:

I am angry.
I am bitter.
I am alone.

With these realizations I also realize that I am utterly clueless.

I have no clue how to move forward. As I sit and reflect upon 2009 I realized my worst fear had come true. I am alone, I am confused, and I have been betrayed, abandoned, forgotten and all those other words.

I have no clue how to move forward from a soul breaking experience, in which I gave my all only to be treated like a...I don't have the words. I did it by the book and in return I was misunderstood, vilified, and banished.

I have no clue how to reconcile with my Familia, who despite their pleas to the contrary, truly did nothing during the Crisis, during my mental break, and even now. I have no idea how to love them back when I believe in my heart they left me and could give two shits about my plight.

I have no clue how to forgive those who profess to love and care for me, yet leave me because I don't act according to their rules, heal their way, or bark at their beckon call.

I have no clue how to restore my honor, which I believe I lost during this time. I didn't mean to beg, I didn't mean to fall down, all I wanted to do is be heard and be given a fair chance. I am angry with myself and with her because I don't think either of us took my emotional and mental health under consideration in the moves we made or didn't make.

I also realize I am hella lonely.

I am lonely as my faith is shattered. I have spent almost 8 months begging for a miracle, asking for a sign, praying to be healed, trying to study his word only to be meet with nothing, a vast emptiness in my soul. I now believe he does not hear me anymore.

I am lonely once I leave work. While I am at work with those kids I am loving it. But at 4:02pm a dread overcomes me, and I remember that I am lonely and angry.

I also realize with being clueless and lonely will come/came bitterness.

I am extremely bitter I am probably the only one carrying scars. I haven't been able to date, smile, believe in love, or any of the joy that comes with that. There was no picking up and moving on for me. There was no new interest or old flame. Hell most of the old flames immediately took great joy in my failing and falling (isn't that right?), so even I wanted to run to a safety net there was none. It was me and Roxi Reynolds. Mostly, I am bitter I no longer believe in unconditional Black love nor do I think I will ever find a wife, esp since the woman who I wanted to be my wife walked away and never looked back. I am bitter that I, like King David, won't get to build a temple. Instead I have to prepare my Solomons for the building work.

I am bitter I poured my heart and soul into my writing only to be ridiculed and clowned; only to be met with scorn and a lack of respect. I admit at times this blog was a love letter and a manifesto but still they were my feelings and they got uberly pissed on.

Man I am just angry and bitter....and that makes me lonely.

I miss my smile. I miss my swag.

I miss my arrogant walk. I miss loving Black love.

I miss my friends. I miss my life.

I miss my respect.

I miss faith.

Exactly one year ago life was absolutely amazing. Things had begun to be on point and turn around for the better. The road had begun....and now a year later that road lies in ruins.

Few Friends
No BFL
No Generals
No (the) Queen

Only a handful of remaining advisers, who seek to help me out of this moment.

Where the fuck did it all go? I don't know.

I just know today I am angry as hell and the only person I can talk to about it is my keyboard, this page and God.

Somehow I don't think none of em gives two shits.

Of course this could be the frustration, anger and sadness because of the day. I don't know.

I just know right now I feel forgotten, abandoned, disrespected and alone.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
11-14-2009
12:01am

The Duel of Fates: Egos and Super Egos

"A House Divided Against itself can not stand"~President Abraham Lincoln

I was eating alone in the bar the other night when I noticed two brothers sitting behind me one eating coffee and the other drinking vodka. They seemed to be engaged in a most heated conversation I had a chance to overhear...

"You don't look well. What's wrong"

"I'm just frustrated that's all. This shit got me sad, angry and annoyed all at once."

"I understand. But what's done is done. We cant chance the past"

"No but we can be granted a chance at redemption."

"Redemption isn't a right, as the old adage goes, it's a privilege."

"That's bullshit and you know it. Everybody has a right to redeem themselves!"

"Redemption comes from within. Outside acknowledgment isn't a prerequisite."

"So why then do we seek it from Jehovah?"

"I would hardly call the the creator of worlds an outside acknowledgment. I mean God is in you is he not?"

"You and that intellectual coyness. I hate that shit."

"But I am right."

The twin drinking vodka drinks it down in one gulp. He motions to the waitress. She comes over.

"Bring me another, and this time I'd like vodka with my cranberry juice please"

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Nope. There is never enough."

"Isn't that the attitude that got us here?"

"Nope it's that over analytical mind. Had you just spoke up in the beginning"

"It wasn't time."

"Man go on with that mess"

The waitress brings over the vodka...which has a pink hue and some more coffee. The mellow brother thanks her and continues on....

"For the record, it was your emotional outburst that got us here, and for the record it was the old outburst of old that was used as a character reference."

"And it was that insane moral code of yours that told you to reactivate that nut which killed the rest of the credibility."

"A moral code you SHARE by the way. But I'll eat that. Sometimes I do shit when that is morally praise worthy but not morally obligatory"

"Heh. You mean you do extra shit to feel good about yourself at night."

The vodka drinker takes a drink and then lowers his head......

"What is to be done brother?"

"Nothing."

"Don't tell me knowing. You're the smartest guy I know"

"Which is why I said nothing. I've crunched the numbers and ran the plots. We've got to accept this fate"

The the vodka drinker looks up with tears in his eyes and on his face....

"Rule 99"

The other brother shakes his head

"Stay on her mind. If it was only that simple now....I'm mean I'm sure..."

"Why cant it be that simple sir?"

"Let me finish. I'm sure we stay on her mind. She's lying if she says otherwise and you're delusional if we believe that lie. The issue is not on us per se, but on her to look from a different lens."

"Man you talk to much. Seriously. Does she think on it or not."

"I do believe I answered it."

The brother again takes his vodka to the head and suddenly jumps up....

"Fuck this. I'm going to go call her, go over there something..."

The other brother stands up to intercept him. He puts his hand on his chest

"I can not allow you to do this. It was ill advised action like this that put the whole series of events into motion. You do this..."

"Get your hands offa me...."

"You do this and it gets worse. Please. Listen."

The angry brother pushes the calmer one's hand away and sits down...

"You're full of shit"

"No you're drunk and emotional. I need for you to listen. Look we've been fighting each other for almost 6 months. Countries can't withstand a 6 month civil war. Do you think we can? A house divided can not stand. Seriously. It's not a matter of you being right or me being right. It's a matter of what's right. Brother, what's right is for us to accept this. Together we can do what we want. That is what got us to the dance. That perfect blend. But we started fighting over methodology, intellect vs emotion, smooth vs cool. All the shit that didn't matter. We both are the best and we both should have worked together. The minute we started fighting we got depressed and both of us made mistakes. Now it's not our time. I need your skills in other areas. I know it hurts. I'm lonely too. I'm sad too. I feel the injustice too. But I fight through that shit. Right now though, I want to stop fighting with my other half okay?"

The other brother nods in agreement. The rational words seem to have soothed his anger and sadness...

"You're right. It's not fair. There is no justice. I am angry. I am lonely. But I can't force my way it...that would make me like "her." So OK I'll chill...So what's next for us?"

The other brother smiles, beginnings to speak but his words are inaudible. I can't hear him. Wiping their tears away the brothers embrace, pay for the check and leave...

"Sir are you ready to order?"

I look up and the waitress is staring at me.

"I think so."

She chuckles kinda nervously. "I thought you were one of those drunk guys that come in here and fall asleep. I ready to call the police."

I look at my phone and I had been at the table almost 25 minutes with just the coffee and bread on my table. Embarrassed I immediately apologize.

"I am so sorry. I am ready to order. I just got lost in my thoughts".

The waitress smiles. "You looked like you were lost in your thoughts. Whatever it is, I hope you work it out."

"If only it were that simple."

"It is that simple. Do you pray?"

"Sometimes and other times I try"

"Then you need to try harder. Whatever it is that's eating you is killing you. And that pisses the lord off. I ain't gonna preach, but I'll pray for you. Now what you gone eat...."

I smile and order....and remember to pray when my food arrives.

This Duel of Fates has reached its climax....and soon the end.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

9-6-2009

11:30pm

The Duel of Fates: A Better Tomorrow

Author's Note: This blog is dedicated all of those who over the past week helped me believe in a Better Tomorrow, specifically four people who have in one way or another helped shape my current mind set: My Son Centrell, Brother Andre Russell, Soror L.R.Jones, and an old friend. ~TLT

"Give it a rest sir"~Author Unknown,
but a player for the opposite team

"All the pieces matter" ~Lester Freeman

Yesterday marked the 150th day of my campaign to be heard, seen, and re-evaluated. Like my comic book idol Batman I had planned on leaving holding a solemn vigil to reflect brood on the past five months. Indeed, this situation is my Jason Todd, my Robin suit in the Batcave, forever emotionally changing me.

However, in the best laid plans of mice and men that was not to be....

I got a text message yesterday morning from my dear Brother Andre informing me that the woman that helped raise him, his grandmother, had made her transition. Brother Andre is one of my dearest friends, a council member, and we have gone the entire circle of ambivalence, enemies and ultimately allies. If I can use pop culture as a reference: He is Superman to my Batman. In a sense of life imitating art our friend has evolved as such. So naturally when I learned he lost his grandmother, it immediately put my "mourning" on hold. Dre faced this day with dignity and courage; while he is undoubtedly in pain he has kept his cool, something I haven't done often enough, and stood tall. We had drinks last night and he accepted his reality, no matter how shitty it makes him feel. In our conversation he reminded me that he and I had gone through so much more, that while we are hurting at all times we must remember that we are Black Studies, we are a part of a legacy and we are children of Armstead. That only requires we hold our head high, even in the face of utter defeat and swag. Pity and self loathing rarely are sexy qualities in a Prime Minister. I have done, I think, a little too much of pity and self loathing. I can only reflect so much before it turns into brooding and brooding is never good for the soul. Until all are one I'm going to drink with my friend, remember his grandmother who supported our work in Black Studies with a gentle smile and kind words, remember how he hugged me when my own father died and do what I do best, Stand by my friends.

At the same time in the same place:

My new friend, Soror Shulamite Woman (L.R.J) is leaving for a fresh start in MS. It's funny to type my new friend because this Soror used to loathe me; rather she hated my public persona of a rebel without a cause and pause I use to hide behind during the Nicole era. Somehow we began speaking on FB, my status messages showing her that I was no longer a rambunctious ass, but a multifaceted brother. During the next two months, we have drawn close, sharing joys and pains; secrets and insight. In looking at my Soror celebrate her departure, I realized that our friendship was another chance at redemption; another chance to do it over and right, another chance to affirm my word is bond. I succeeded in doing all of those things and earned another night of sleep. I will forever love my Soror for this moment, a chance to go from Saul to Paul and to heal wounds. More importantly her leaving reminded me of a time past, when I got real scummy at a neighborhood party with some of the local "organization members" and just was off my square. One of the elders of the group, walked up to me put his arms on my shoulders and said "Lawyerman (my old hood nickname) this aint for you. You had enough and its time to go." He walked me through the gang way that lead to our houses and I went home. Last night I used same story to convey to her that I was proud she was stepping and out leaving all the hurt behind, and the nonsense and starting over. Touching her on the shoulders I echoed the same words and wished her godspeed and let her know what this friendship meant to me. In a moment of brilliance she looked at me and repeated me back "it's not for you T." I understood. Later in the evening she sent me a text reminding of my worth and quality. It's heartwarming when people truly see you for who you are and not what they want you to be.

It's funny that while we were celebrating, a friend of hers, one who wishes to be her king became upset at the fact she's leaving and he never got his chance. Instead of forgoing those emotions to celebrate with the woman he loves and enjoy that moment he sat outside and in the corner, he sulked, he brooded, he pouted and outside of the moments of compassion and concern when she went and checked on him, she was not going to allow that to stop her night. She was sadden by the fact he was hurt, but she had to move on.

I thought about me and (the) Queen (my Black Butterfly) and wondered if that is how she sees me...a brooding giant who can't/couldn't stop long enough to enjoy the moment. I wondered if that was how the village saw me, an annoying whiner who just couldn't accept reality. Either way I didn't want to be like that and seeing how it looks from a difference perspective made me understand that like all those years ago I have had enough, this may not be for me and it is time to go home.

I will miss my friend's physical presence, but thanks to Facebook and Blackberry we will never be apart. I pray MS is good to her; Jehovah knows she earned it. More importantly I will NEVER forget how she gave me hope and redemption when I didn't quite have either. She proved to me that when given a chance at redemption I could and would indeed show my worth.

Bye my dear Soror. You are loved and will be missed.

Earlier that day...

My oldest heir came to me with a couple of problems. He was having the good old 7th grade relationship complications; you know the kind of relationships where they like you at 8am but by lunch time thanks to friends and grade school politics they no longer like you. He confided in me that his feelings were hurt and that he didn't know what he did wrong. In short he told me all he did was like the girl and be nice and now he was having the worst two days of his life. He asked me what should he do. I offered a number of suggestions for him and to him, but the irony was that after listening my advice he asked did any of this work on (the)Queen. Taken aback, I realized that I had not been a good role model for him in the area of love. I have spent so much time lamenting my issues I have not properly begun his training on Black love and its its complicated forms. Seeing him hurt and not having any definite answers he felt he could trust made me realize that I needed to increase his training and move him towards manhood before he gets to deep into the madness that is teenage relationships.

The second problem he encountered was one of betrayal. We learned his new "friend" and locker partner stole his phone and then later came back and stole his replacement sim card. Again he came to me with answers on why friends hurt each other, why friends can't stay/be nice and how should he get over it. Again I realized I have not imparted wisdom on him, more importantly what answers have I discerned while all of the meditations brooding I have done. I have a son about to enter his teenage years in the City of Chicago and as hurt as I am; as tired as I am I can no longer afford to not pay attention to (or pay more attention) to his training as the trials he will face. My sons deserve no less than my full attention.

Indeed all the pieces matter....

I spoke with my therapist on Wed, who understands my inability "get over it", in fact she gave me the Maze song to help verbalize some of my emotions. As I lamented and talked about the (un)fairness of this situation, she asked me a simple question: "Terrance did you and have you done everything possible to make this situation work. Answer that honestly then the rest will come you." So over the next two days I scoured my old emails, cards, and letters over and over and each time I removed more and more emotion. I realized I made some mistakes. I fucked somethings up, but at the same time none of them were "crimes of intention". They were as I have always said out of ignance than malice. Still in spite of those snafus I gave it all my love with every fiber of my being. I still love it with every fiber of my being. I had nothing to work out and I was ready from day one to build the kingdom. Even as the Black hounds of depression slowly caught up and ultimately over taken me I reminded dedicated to the kingdom and nothing not even the rebellious generals, potential "responsibilities" or unsupportive friends and family altered that truth or made me waiver from that. In short I would have died for that kingdom but ultimately lived for the kingdom that was to be built. This isn't to say that other parties wasn't equally invested; I shant speak for or try to speak for them as tempting as it may be. I believe in my heart they were and evidence supports this. My issue these past 5 months, esp the last month or so was the refusal to see the paradigm with new information; in spite of all that was reveled my honor code and my character was challenged and my integrity was still called in question. Once I asked a former lover with whom I had difficulty (or it was asked of me) "If an imperfect dynamic can make one feel perfect or great what happens if both parties perfect that dynamic?" That was my central question now and IT remains my question now . If I made you feel that good (better than the best) and I wasn't even 60%, what would happen now at say 85%? It's a valid question. It deserves(d) a valid answer.

Yet it needs two people to explore and the hard truth is I have been told that the other party isn't interested in reviewing or answering that question. When compared to the revelations I've seen in the past day I am forced to agree with my snarky mofo comment. It is time to seriously give it a rest. My war to be heard has had a negative effect, it has been seen as character flaw, it has been seen as everything but what it's supposed to be and it honestly the only person who is caring on this level is me. I say this not out of arrogance or snark; it's just a simple truth I am helluva lot more intense than most people. Thus it stands to reason this would effect me in greater detail. But at the same time I can't really apologize for my war or my pain. I can't apologize for my feelings esp when all I heard constantly is the notions of "my, me, mine." Thus in real time and talk fuck whoever cant and wouldn't understand this. I know when I stand before Jehovah and he asks me about the LSC and the Duel I will be able to say to him that I succeed in some areas, faltered in others but I gave it 100 plus 10.

When placed in context of the lessons of standing tall, knowing when it's no longer for you, and the reallocation of resources to a more important objective, I think that it really is time to move forward. I'm not predicting over night, but I am saying it's time. No need to retreat to mountains or hide. No need to be bitter. No need to keep knocking at doors that slam in my face. She is loved..(present tense "ed" not past tense "ed") and if she ever wanted to come back I would do it in a heartbeat, (shame and pride and all that other Post Mod b.s. be damned) but the fact of the matter is this quest has the potential to spin out of control and even though I've mostly blogged and self lamented it still has had far reaching effects. A supporter of writing suggested that I no longer count the days of my lost, but instead count the days of aspiring for "A Better Tomorrow". I think that's the goal esp when I have sons that need me at my best.

One moment and day at a time that will be my goal.

A Breaking Point

Late last night I sat down with an old friend to have a drink or two; it was my way of giving that person a final goodbye that I believe I deserved and was denied during the LSC: a quiet one on one relaxed discussion over drinks; a goodbye date if you will. There were no delusions or false expectations that person would be allowed back into my life. We were not going to discuss us and I might have even given her some had she acted right. It was my intent to give that person one normal night the last night to end on a positive note as a counterbalance to all the negativity we had given each other.

As we sat in the car during that moment of silence that comes with these situations I did the drunk people nod, I closed my eyes for a moment. I slumped in my seat as I had done hundreds of times before hoping to catch a quick catnap to sleep some of the copious amounts of vodka off and to give her a chance to collect her thoughts. Suddenly my old friend who was sitting behind me (she had stated earlier she didn't want to sit next to me and I thought nothing of it) grabbed me in a martial arts choke hold, one I taught her and one that is quite lethal. Normally I could have escaped but my condition and my seating position gave her the higher ground, the weight advantage and basically she had me.

She had me dead to rights.

As air left my body, my thoughts went to my sons, my family, (the)Queen. I said a quick prayer to Jehovah to protect my loved ones and to have mercy on her. I accepted the finality of the situation. She slightly let her grip go, enough for me to speak, barely, but not enough for me to get free and damn sure still lethal, albeit slowly. She then whispered to me "I hate you. Why? After all did you chose her. Will you die for her now?"

I didn't respond. She tightens the hold.

"Answer me Prime Minister !"

"Because of shit like this." I barely can get the words out.

She leans back and I feel my larynx crushing...slowly...and painfully..

I manage to speak into the universe "I love you sons. I am sorry" This angers her.

"You wanna die?" asks as she begins to lean back.

"NO" I whisper. I now realize her grip is again loosened some more. Now its just cracking my neck as opposed to chocking me out right quickly. However, I am getting dizzy and I am losing consciousness.

"You wanted to die for her, you won't die for me"

"No. Tell my boys I'm sorry". She now puts her full weight and strength into the hold.

"This isn't about them you self righteous bastard. This is about us. Look at what you've done to me"

The pain begins to be too much. I utter what I believe will be my last words. "This hurts. Do it or don't."

There is a pause and I believe she gets ready to do it when she lets me go.

Crying hysterically, she asks "Do you hate me?"

By now I've managed to crawl out the car, neck hurt and bruised thankful for the air.

"No. Now leave...." I gasp.

Tearful she stands over me and says "Train them not to be like you." She then disappears into the night.

I decide not to press charges, a decision most will not understand. I created that monster and I realized that I moved her into further insanity with my decisions. The truth is very second I brought her back I set myself up for this moment and I only survived it through Jehovah and a pang of consciousness.

Last Night the General had me. One more snap and this blog becomes way more popular than it is. My sons don't have a dad and her children don't have a mom.

I can not and will not vilify a hurt woman, when I know I've played a part either intentional or unintentional. I understand her mental state and should have taken certain precautions and let her go. I hope today she is seeking professional help, I hope she prayed hard. I hope she has, for her children's sake realized that there is nothing here any more and I truly hope for her she has a Better Tomorrow. As for me I've learned my lesson and it affirmed my decision was right and proper. More than I, she needs to heal and strive for that better tomorrow.

A Better Tomorrow. That's one helluva goal for me to strive for. After the last two days/nights I realize that any other goal is crazy and will undoubtedly bring me to ruin.

I can't have that. I'm better than that and its time I once again find a way to show it...one moment and day at a time

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-5-2009
1:05pm

150

Maze (with the help of Joe) can express what this day means much better than I can....

without further adieu, yet another simple TRUTH.....

I Can't Get Over You

I know I bought it on myself
I owe no blame to no one else
And now I realize
I can't get over you
And though I do my very best
I just can't find happiness
And it's all because
I can't get over you

Hey baby why oh why
Thinking of you makes me cry
Matter how I try
I'm gonna love you by and by
By and by baby

Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
I don't know what to do I
Can't get over you

I guess you'll always have a part
Somewhere deep in my heart
It's just to hard to hide
I can't get over you
I tried to lose myself in song
But the ties are much to strong
What I'm I going to do
I can't get over you

It makes feel so bad
Messin up the love we had
There's one thing I know
I will always love you so
Love you so baby Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
I can't get over you
I can't get over you
I can't get over you
I can't get over you

Thanks Maze...I owe you one...
(I would have used you Jackie, but I figured Maze and Joe was a lil better)

The struggle continues, in spirit, when physical is not appropriate,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-4-2009
12:30am

The Duel of Fates: Early Encounters

To be continued.....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-29-2009
12:41am

The Duel of Fates: The Winds of Change.

"T will all due respect"~[Classified: Security Protocols Activated]

Just got a text message that hurt like hell and kinda got me twisted.

No long blog today. It is a very emotional afternoon that will and can be summed up in a simple question I was asked today:

"Will you be like King Saul, fighting the winds of change, cursing the heavens, being disobedient and seeking the help of the "Star" forever tarnishing your legacy?"

OR

"Will you be like Moses, standing tall, accepting the change, leaving with dignity, decency and enjoying the view of the promise land with your legacy secure?"




Tis the Duel of Fates....

Saul or Moses.....

TLT
8-5-2009
12:40pm

120

Indeed.

The Struggle, Journey and Mission Continues......

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-4-2009
12:01am

Prologue to a Duel

"In order to reconcile the external, we must first reconcile the internal" ~BlackThought39

In this Duel of Fates I will have to choose:

Life or Knowledge

Knowledge or Wisdom

Forgiveness or Anger

War or Peace

Acceptance or Defiance

Reality or Illusions

Past or Present

Present or Future

Happiness or Honor

Pride or Humility


I will have to reconcile:

I am a King No Longer..a banished HIT silenced and forgotten; but seeking to be remembered and heard.

I created a problem and now that problem doesn't heed my solutions.

I am both strong and emotional.

I am stupid and intelligent.

I am happy yet sad.

I am complex yet simple.

I am strong yet fearful.

There are no expectations within the expectations.


In this Duel of Fates I will:

Have to make war with a General to create peace

Shrink in order to expand

Cry in order to smile.

Kneel in order to stand

Stand Still in order to move.


In this Duel of Fates I will have to either accept Jah or the Sun.

In this Duel of Fates......

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
7-29-2009
12:06AM

On Black Men, Depression and Life Pt 4: Things Fall Apart and the Rebuilding of Self

"These walls have a sobering effect" ~TLT

I knew it was going to happen. I was warned that if I continued to fight this war and push myself my engine would finally conk out. I was told to accept the changes and get over it; to accept that she wasn't coming back and to pray until I healed. I was advised to monitor my associations, not to make deals with devils and to take some time off.

I didn't listen and finally the Battle Weary Solider fell. My engine gave out. I was broken.

Almost 2 months past the time when I should have I finally took the mental health break I needed and had to and checked into a "facility", nothing high tech or overly locked down, but someplace where I could restore my mind, cry and heal...in peace.

It is now time to truly begin the long (perhaps) and much needed (indeed) process of healing. The Love Supreme Crisis and all of its contents and variations almost killed me; rather I almost allowed it to kill me.

S0 what finally pushed me to the point, that point where I was about to do something I would regret, do something that would leave a legacy I could never erase?

I simply read something and it hurt. To keep with my Star Trek motif: I took a shot to my hull that basically wrecked my ship, the thought of "him" in that place drives me crazy...rather it did. I just couldn't accept it. I couldn't believe that after all the assurances to the contrary, the ultimate mind fuck had happened, that she went back. In essence I felt devastated, I assumed the worst case scenario had happened and I just lost it. I was hurt beyond repair and I just couldn't function. You add this news to of my new "responsibility" to my life, the mounting debt and my already depressed mental state and you have a fall. But you know what: I needed that fall, I needed to finally give out and I needed to go. My emotions were rolling and I was making myself sick and tired.

So I begin to put my machinations in order, called two friends and just left. For six days I didn't have any contact with the outside world, no Blackberry, no Facebook, no blog. It was just me, Jehovah, therapy and some real good cries.

It was a well needed respite, a moment to begin to heal in earnest; to reevaluate old and develop new coping skills. The last point is important as sometimes our lives and coping skills become like our shampoo; use them long enough and they no longer get the job done like they should. I was able to re-set some buttons. While I was uh...immobilized I took a personal inventory. I was able to assets my strengths and weaknesses; to truly find out who I am and how I can to be. I learned that my emotions are one my strengths, a source of incredible power, second only to my logic. I learned that I am a natural leader. And I learned that when most people scream "to blessed to be stressed" that usually means to scared to care.

But I also learned that my greatest weakness is my arrogance, that I am too bound by rules and traditions and there are times were the needs of the many don't outweigh the needs of the one. I can and should say no; and while I have been hurt by people carrying flagging the "individualism" banner, not everybody who does so will hurt me, nor is it a reason to abandon my individuality. I have accepted that being broke sucks, yet it doesn't make me less of man, that new responsibilities aren't bad and that despite what the Black Community and Church says depression is real.

I also learned that is OK, perfectly OK to mourn (the) Queen, her loss has reverberated through my life. It is OK to take my time to heal. It is OK to cry and not go to fast. In fact I learned if I didn't do these things then my emotions probably wasn't real to begin with.

Take my time and mourn. I've never done that, hell I barely mourn. But I think I'm going to head that in earnest. I am just come out of the eye of the storm; "The Love Supreme Crisis" was the darkest time in my life to this point, worst than "The Long Night", more frustrating than the "Second Renaissance", and even sadder than "A Death in the Family". It touched my soul, broke me and redefined me all at once. As painful as it is/was, I am and will be a better man for it.

But even in those tears, there is a path to self healing. On June 20th 2009, I finally sat down...to tired to continue and today, almost 7 days later, I come out of a place of healing, my eyes returned to normal, my smile returning and for the first time in a long while consistent clarity.

Its a nice day and I've so dearly missed my children. I do think I am going to stop here prepare to visit them...in a moment.

I'll post my final thoughts on the 90 day anniversary...on July 4th

But right NOW I will have some toast and tea, sit in the Sun, talk to Jehovah, pray for my friends, pray for (the) Queen, my children..and have one last cry...before as Brian McKnight once said "I leave it all behind ".

See you in a few days blogspot...
;-)

It is good to be home.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
06-26-2009
2:31pm

You Do Know God Hates A Coward Right?

" I knew you were a punk you will not publish that comment cause it is the truth you aint got nothing but you ridin people bout what they did not supply you. you gone 50 with nuttin so how those tire tracks feel " ~ Author Unknown (however judging by the venom spit it is someone who is truly scorned by me)

This is just one of the daily non snarky comments that grace my blog and sadly at times graces the blog of (the)Queen. At first I took them as annoying blips by women who were hurt, but now I'm kinda feeling sorry for the pour soul. Why? Well as emotional as Straight, No Chaser has been the past four months, by no means has it been a testament to "sadness". In fact I talk about my love for my sons and my God. I talk about my hopes and dreams of the future and yes since it is a traumatic experience losing the woman I wanted to marry I wax on about that too. But what I don't do and will never do is spit venom at her. I know at times a lot of my blogs seem like I'm taking shots; I'm not. I'm working through "the ways of the nation", trying to re-center myself and find a solution to a complex problem and if I'm lucky recenter myself and reclaim my soul mate.....when I am ready. While not materially rich, I am rich in other ways a fact, even at my lowest, I have never for gotten. More importantly, even if I dont have "anything" now as you claim, I do have something you'll never have: memories of a great relationship (albeit complicated) and a sense of peace. How ya like them Apples?


No, I'm not a punk however I do believe I've dedicated far too much energy to people who leave snarky, smart mouthed comments on BOTH our blogs, yet have no courage or heart to sign them. Seriously, if you have all this insight into me, she, or whatever sign your name. Open a dialogue. Don't hide.
I have been many things in my stellar career. I have had set backs and fear. I have not acted out of uncertainty. But the one thing I have never been is a coward. I don't honor them. I don't listen to them and honestly I think Jah's words on cowards can be found at 2 Timothy 1:7 and Revelations 21:8.


So no I am no longer posting anonymous comments from fake profiles or no names. You got something to say, then speak on it. Sign your name and let's dialogue. Stop vandalizing her blog. YOUR WORDS HAVE NO IMPACT ON WHATEVER THE DYNAMIC WAS OR WILL BE. Your simply a bitter person who just need to work that out.

Even with all the sadness and depression and struggles I can say the one emotion I've never had is bitterness. If she has moved on, if I never see her again I shant vandalize her blog, I shant harass her on email or twitter and I shant hate. I SHALL in the words of Destiny's Child "wish(ing) her to be bless, no stress and LOTS of happiness.

Perhaps you should do that too....

Now...dust those tracks off your back, pick yourself up and move forward. I am trying to earnestly through Jehovah, therapy, prayer and supplication. I suggest you do the same..because love laying there is just not sexy...or helping either of us.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
6-07-2009
1:38pm

The Weekend Update...and its ONLY Sunday.

Quick hits:

Doing the damn thing..........

Despite not being able (or rather unwilling) to focus and study, I managed to pass my basic skills exam which enables me to now pursue in earnest teaching opportunities. I am excited about this recent development in my life as I have longed to teach but was both too lazy and afraid to get off my arse and make it so. Heh. Can you imagine me molding young minds?

I can too.

Celebrations........

Much love to my familia BFL09 for the celebration last night. What started as a game night ended up being a party throw in my favor and even some old school mofos came through and made it special. Despite the difficulties that was April and the "Love Supreme" crisis, you all have shown the true meaning of friendships and even when I made it hard stood by me. Again I love you all so much.

Diamonds.are.forever...and so is my BFL.

Spiritual Progress........

My walk to Jehovah is going smoothly, must different than before. I am (trying to) inculcate (Det 6:4-9) the lessons, I keep on knocking and seeking (Mat 7:7) because more than anything else this is the most important journey I've gone on. All things being equal I should be baptised by the fall or at the latest by years end. I truly await this new chapter in my life.

A Lil Short.....

After three weeks I deep sixed my cleanse. While I am going to continue the colon cleansing aspect, the no drinking/eating only fish went straight out the window in large part thanks to the aforementioned celebration we had last night and in large part to my alcoholic gene. In spite coming up almost three weeks short I am proud that I managed to complete the time I did, as I was often chastised for not having given up anything...well never mind. I did well. Good job TLT.

Captain, there is another Bird of Prey de-cloaking off starboard.....

Just when I thought I whupped one challenge I learn something new and find out a truth that is gonna shake up some shit. While I am not ready to reveal this yet, all I can say is I need to make sure I'm at peak efficiency because this sumabitch I'm drop will not be for the weak. Enough of that...

~Fin

All right blogspot and snarky mofo reading this, I need to get ready for the Hall, shake off the lingering effects of a night full of Black Russians and ready my sons for fahter-son activities.

Enjoy your day and the sun...

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-24-2009
10:31am

Another Simple Truth...But then again isnt the truth always so simple?

A beautiful song I took time to truly listened to for the first time.....

When It Hurts ~Avant.

Can you take me telling you the truth
When I know the situation is shadiest
But my girl, will you...
Believe when I say I knew that you be tripping

So I slept out in my ride in the driveway
So before we get into the things that we shouldn't do
Imma need your undivided attention
Cause it's fantasies and reality
Baby which one are we living in, oh

When it hurts, will we still be
The same two lovers
All over each other
When it hurts, will we still see
What we got together
Promise that we'll never
Never ever be
Temporary (Not Another)
Ordinary (Uh uh)
We should change people's definition of love
So forget what you heard
The only way that this will work
Is if you love me when it hurts
Can you love me when it hurts

I don't wanna blend in
With every other relationship that be falling in and out girl (Not us)
I knew that I tripped
Cause every time we argued
I think about having someone on the side girl

So before we get into the things that we shouldn't do
I'm a need your undivided attention
Cause it's fantasies and reality
Baby which one are we living in, oh

When it hurts, will we still be
The same two lovers
All over each other
When it hurts, will we still see
What we got together
Promise that we'll never
Never ever be
Temporary (Not Another)
Ordinary (Nuh uh)
We should change people's definition of love
So forget what you heard
The only way that this will work
You gotta love me when it hurts

Babygirl we gotta face it
There'll be times that we let each other down
And on the days that you ain't feeling me
Will you be able to stick around
Cause anything worth having's worth fighting for
If we really want this thing to work
We gotta go to war
Girl, I'm in this thing
I mean really in this thing
But through the tears will you still be here

When it hurts, will we still be
The same two lovers
All over each other
When it hurts, will we still see
What we got together
Promise that we'll never
Never ever be
Temporary (Not Another)
Ordinary (Nuh uh)
I wanna change people's definition of love
So forget what you heard
Cause the only way that this will work
Is if you love me when it hurts (When it hurts)

When it hurts (When it hurts)
Do you love me when it hurts
Girl when it hurts (When it hurts)
When it hurts (When it hurts)
Do you love me when it hurts
When it hurts (When it hurts)
When it hurts (When it hurts)
Do you love me when it hurts
When it hurts (When it hurts)
When it hurts (When it hurts)
Will you love me when it hurts

Straight, No Chaser,
TLT
5-21-2009
9:49pm

In the middle of the Night.....

Couldn't sleep so I thought I'd write.....

Heirs to the throne:

I gotta thank Jehovah for my children. I mean they truly inspire me and motivate me. After the Saturday I had, I just wanted to lay in bed and well I wrote how I felt and wont sully this blog with those thoughts. It's amazing that no matter how down I get Snarky Pre Teen and Wild Child are there to pick me up and encourage me. You combine that with the wisdom that is my Queen Mother Tony and it is very had to stay in a dark place. I managed to get out a smile or two, I even managed to eat a bite with my fluctuating appetite. I truly love my suns, my sons, my heirs, my legacy my polar opposites. Sometimes, while asking where would I be if...I need to remind myself that life with them is a never ending blessing. I don't want them to use their young energy to restore me all the time, but I ain't gonna lie days like yesterday was a welcome jolt.

Thanks Guys....


Who Do I write for...

A comment was left on my blog asking if I write for attention or if I write hoping she's reading. Well I guess the answer is in an albeit snarky manner is yes I write for attention and yes I hope she's reading and no I don't write for attention and I hope she's isn't reading.. Confused? I figured you would be. Let me explain. I'm a blogger, so by definition I want people to read what I write, I have what I believe to be insight on the notion and institution of Black love and want to share with all you people who may or may not be reading. But even if nobody does read this or stops reading this blogging is a very therapeutic release for me. 9 times out of 10, I feel a helluva lot better once I finish blogging. In terms of her, well yes I hope she reads. Since we're not speaking and I seem to always say something overly emotional or gay when we talk I think the blog is, as of right now, the best insight into my mind. This blog is an insight in to my heart, mind, conscious and soul. But at the same time its not a propaganda tool, and I'd rather she not read often or any of my other "subjects" because the Hawthorne Effect is real and when you know people are watching you tend to say and do the right thing in order to achieve a goal. Straight, No Chaser is not a political tool, nor a propaganda item. It's my free therapy and I will do whatever to keep it that way. Speaking of her...

She really don't love you, let her go...

I hear this often and honestly I need to stop letting folks tell me that. I am a firm believer that love is not created overnight, nor can it be destroyed. So while we aren't talking, while my imagination is running wild over here on the South Side, I can't honestly say she don't still love a negro to death. This ain't about love but...about...honestly...I ain't figured that part out. I am going to have to be very careful who I accept council from because the last two times I've listened to this hearsay I've gotten in trouble big time (the situation with Nickjack and the situation with W.Y.). Sometimes you gotta follow your gut and my gut tells me......
well never mind that snarky mofo reading this. Now if I can only get my ADD under control long enough to fix...whatever...I don't know it's 3 in the am.

Just get over it...

Another of my recent favorites and it took an old (new) friend to remind me that our spirits and emotions react to things differently. I could be more positive, less dramatic and listen more but these "minor" flaws do not negate the validity of my emotions and anybody who minimizes how I feel and the pain I'm in now really ain't down for me. I'll keep that in mind...

Technology

I FINALLY MASTERING BLOGGING FROM THE BLACKBERRY. It's linked together. So now I can stop using voice recorder and napkins to jot down ideas. Man you gotta love technology.

OK, my cocoa just kicked in. I'm lay it down again.

Nite Blogspot

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-11-2009
3:45am

Happy Mother's Day Sisters

"Women (mothers) will make the Revolution" ~Eldridge Leroy Cleaver

Today is Mother's Day, one of the central holidays in the Black Church and by extension the community (along with Christmas and Easter hence CME denomination), a time when most of the average people decide on this one day to actually eat or talk with their mother, go take up all the good seats at the good restaurants they know they cant' afford and bombard the airwaves with shitty poems and limericks dedicated to their mother. This piece is so NOT for you.

But rather you snarky mofo reading this. YOU actually LOVE your mother. You actually talk to her, listen to her, seek her wisdom and try everything in your power to be a solid offspring. This day, while a "holiday", is really just a regular part of your week when you just gotta deal with a few more folks in church and a lil more crowed restaurant. This blog IS dedicated to you.

YOU have kept close the commandment found at Exodus 20:12, you understand that Mama is the first teacher and usually the last teacher. You understand that outside of Jah himself, the one arm you can go cry on the one person to or talk to is Mama.

YOU understand that Mama is a the primary caregiver. Yeah Dad's get all the "props" for providing and protecting but really have you seen dad try to make a birthday cake or lift a car to save a younging like mama? OK, I've never seen the last part either but I'm certain it happened somewhere.

YOU understand that your relationship with your children will determine how they handle other relationships, you understand that they watch you and will adapt and learn.

Simply YOU understand and appreciate the importance of the Queen Mother.

I know I do. I cried with my mama last night. Damn I love me some Tony.

To those of who whose mama is awaiting resurrection, this is for YOU as well, because I know when she was here, you held her down, loved her, even when yall fought. She lives on through you and will do so until time immortal.

And of course to the Single Black Mother's, the new age mothers, the ones who endure, the ones Fantasia sung about...the baby mamas. Thank you. Thank you for doing it when we did not, could not or didn't know how. I've always argued father's get a learning curve. Yall do not.

Thank you for enduring months of bullshit child support payments or no payments. Thank you for not clowning the botched birthdays, missed doctors appointments, and school musicals.

Thank you for remaining friends even after the romantic notion died. I know that as evil as my Baby mama can be, she's been a friggin rock for me during this time. I envy and appreciate this bootleg Mrs. Spock, because in the face of losing BOTH parents in 2008 she didn't bat an eye nor share a tear with the world. She held strong, cried her tears in private and kept it moving. It is a lesson both I and our suns could use. OK just me and Centrell. Debo is a vulcan too.

Thank you for letting us grow.

Thank you for being mother and father.

So on this day, as you push past the CME crowd, as you endure loud ignant banter from the table behind you, simply slide your mama a wink, tell her you love her and continue on. This day is nothing special to you because you have always....

Loved your mama...




Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-10-2009
8:30am