For months I've struggled with what to put here to describe this blog. I have found the words. This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, who has been crucified and resurrected, who has a lot of stories and no stories.
All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser
1)
Contrary to what the old men said to me during the Men's Retreat in October (ie
it’s the cemetery) this isn't a cold non spiritual place. There are
"really saved" people (and even that classification is starting to be
problematic for me) in this space. Interesting enough, a lot of the dialog here
both in the classroom and in general revolves around my spiritual
formation and developing my relationship with God during this journey. Nobody
has "taken away my Jesus" but actually got me to think deeper about my
relationship to him both within and outside of my own theological box.
Conversely, Seminary isn't anti church. In fact I have yet to meet a person
here who looks down on the church or non-seminary trained folk. This isn't to
say that people like that aren't here, or that everybody here is a true
believer (hell cause you find this outside of Seminary) what I am saying it
isn't this cold, soulless place where we intellectualize God...although we do
think intellectually about God.
2) THEOLOGY MATTERS! I know a modern refrain (esp. in Black Christian spaces)
is relationship over religion, relationship over theology etc. but I am
learning that this kind of thinking, in my opinion, falls short. Theology, to
put it simply, is your operating system in the faith. Do you believe in retribution
theology? Liberation Theology? Orthodox Theology? Hell if you say "I just
do what God says" then that’s your theology. Your operating system will
determine how you act out your FAITH and as such how you (me..us) shows the
presence of God to others. Yeah, theology matters big time. Every question,
every conversation is framed along the lines of "Where is God in
this" and "What's the theology behind it."
3) A mentor told me before I started Seminary that "It ain't bible study
or Sunday school". Nothing could have been truer. This is graduate level biblical
studies. In essence your churches series on say lust really ain't gonna fly
here. I'm not saying toss away your Sunday school lessons per se, I'm just
saying that "what Pastor had said" is not gonna get you very far.
4) Denominations aren't evil. Prior to Seminary I thought of denominations as
gang banging for Christ. But having met and talked to a few folks, having begun
to truly understand the rationale behind them they seem pretty cool. I'm still
unsure if its something I'd do but I can say I have a much greater respect for
them.
5) The Faith has a history that pre dates Constantine and the Catholic Church.
I kinda knew this already and I'm not saying Nicaea wasn't an important event
but there is at least a couple hundred years of history before it got co-opted
for the Romans. When you learn about the great persecutions that befall the
early church mothers and fathers (yes the church had women leaders in the first
couple of centuries as it was developing as an institution. We got this woman
pastor thing all wrong today. Totally.) by the Romans you realize there was a
history and culture that pissed the status quo off and was quite different from
the system that say gave us the Crusades.
6) Pastoral Care IS my calling, but that joint is hard. I've had to learn new
skills and adapt to new paradigms quickly. This is my hardest class and the one
that has blessed me the most. I'd be all day talking about this class but I can
say God is in that classroom as I learn the art and science of helping people
in a Christ like (and professional) way. :-) Giving Honor to my Creator, Who is Forever Praised, Amen In Truth and Transparency, TLT 3/4/2014 1:29pm
Gen. Ross: So get out of the trenches. You should be a Colonel by now, with your record.
Blonsky: No, sir, I'm a fighter, and I'll be one for as long as I can. Mind you, if I took what I had now, and put it in a body that I had ten years ago, that would be someone I wouldn't want to fight
Gen. Ross: [thoughtfully] I think I can arrange something like that...
~The Incredible Hulk
There are four times a year where I enter an almost trance like reflection on what my life has entailed, what it is now, and hopefully were will it be. Ironically, these days each fit into a season so I guess once a season I stop and moreso than I usually do pause and ask myself really hard questions: These days are:
The Day before my Eldest Heir's Birthday (Winter)
Good Friday to Easter/Resurrection Sunday (Spring)
My birthday (Summer)
The day before Middle Heir's birthday (Fall)
It's funny that on this, my 37th birthday, this scene from Marvel's 2008 hit The Incredible Hulk popped into my head on my way to work. I've always loved this scene but I am unsure why. Maybe because it is my secret wish to have one 30 minute conversation with 27 year old me and just pour into him. So, as I got dressed and begin to walk to work, I really got to thinking about the man I was ten years ago and how much I didn't know as opposed to the man I am now and all that I've learned. I asked myself what would I go back and tell that brash young man as he approached his 30th birthday. I imagined me sitting down at a table with him, coffee in my cup and vodka in his (damn Augustfest) with us talking frankly. It's not hard to know what I would tell him. So on August 10th 2002 I would tell that younger me:
that he should stop drinking. Ten years from now alcohol won't even really matter to you and when you do drink its something mellow like plum wine.
listen to his friend Erica. Don't go to that apartment with her ole girl. Ten years from now you will lament that decision almost every day if you do.
stop being an angry at your parents. Ten years from now you will crave their presence daily.
that conversation you are about to have in the park about not being ready for marriage will hurt. But shacking is not the answer. Ten years from now you will see the wisdom in this.
spend more time with your fellaz (what I used to call my Heirs). Ten years from now you will hate yourself for all the haircuts, potty training and moments missed.
stop treating your body like garbage with the liquor and bad food. Go back to the only fish diet. If you don't ten years from now you won't be able to get out of bed without limping.
listen to your woman. Craft you own nieche and brand. OH can be the base but you need something more. Ten years from now it won't even be an OH Black Studies Conference.
protect your credit score. Ten years from now you'll wish you had.
don't send that email. Ten years from now she'll sit be hurting over the aftermath of what comes next.
follow your first mind. Change Sigma chapters immediately. You don't like these guys and they don't like you. If you don't ten years from now you will have a love hate relationship with your frat.
let go of that Fisk hurt. It's all in the game. Ten years you won't care and nobody else will.
stop fighting that knot in your stomach that keeps you up at night. That's holy spirit. It's real. It's not a white man's ploy. Get saved. Ten years from now you'll wish you did it ten years ago.
There is so much more I would say but the space won't permit and my ADHD won't allow me to write. However, the above is what I WOULD say for certain; These are the thoughts I would give younger me to help them change from a boy to man. Like Gen Ross would ultimately offer Blonsky, I would give him an injection of a type of super solider serum to help him be better.But the reality of the situation is that there are no do overs when it comes to time. There is no super solider serum either. Those decisions I made by and large are irreversible and on some levels final. I can never take back the email. I can never get back time wasted hating Fisk nor being frustrated with them dudes in INS. My heirs won't go back to being 5 and 3. I can't get that time back with Mom and Pops. This right here is the way those past chapters are going to be written.Yet, that's not all bad. While I have subjected myself to and been subjected by others to ogobs of pain, disappointment, and setbacks, the fact is I'm still here. I've grown, become stronger and still I'm convinced the best is yet to come. Could I have this faith of a Better tomorrow if I erase the sins of yesterday? I don't think so. I needed each and every one of those lessons and scars. I need each and every one of those reminders of what not to do going forward. Besides, who needs a super solider serum when I have something called Grace and Mercy. That and another day to get up again gives me one more chance to correct what messed up (if possible) and press onward.But almost as important as Grace and Mercy is the reality that I have my Heirs and Heiresses and many other young people that I pour into in the course of my work. I can give them the gifts I may not have appreciated and hopefully they can and will do better with them that I did. Hopefully my children will break curses and cycles and do the things I was either to afraid to do or not meant to do. That truth gives me a sense of peace.
Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised, Amen.
As most of you probably know I lost my mother last week (7-4-2010). We laid her to rest on Saturday.
I am supposed to be writing a blog chronicling what happened when my mother died, writing thank you letters and filling out cards but I can't find the words.
I can't even organize the notes. I figured I was ready to take this step but I am not.
Give me time.
In the meanwhile go kiss your mother.
Rest easy Queen Mother. I will see you in the morning.
Maria "Tony" Thomas Wife, Mother, Sister, and Servant of Jehovah. April 9, 1952-July 4, 2010
In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, No Chaser (and missing mama) TLT 7-13-2010 3:32pm
"I guess I'm a bad man who tried to be a good father. I don't know. Every man has a right to change, a chance at forgiveness. Ain't that what the good book says?" ~John Marston
I was talking with an old friend of mine about my spiritual journey when he told me I was the embodiment of a famous cliche; I was the old jaded war veteran who had come home from an ugly conflict and became a man of the cloth in order to forget about all that I saw and done during my war. While acknowledging my love for God and his word, as well as conceding that I truly wish to walk in God's light, he did raise the point that it does seem like I'm hiding from those things that torment me, as if I'm hiding from my never ending thorns.
The crazy thing is I can't really deny any of this.
As I've written extensively, 2009 left me a broken man in all areas: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. There was a total war waged last year and when it was over my personal landscape looked as though General Sherman had marched to the sea. So I openly concede when the war ended in my defeat, I packed my bag, locked away my twin pistols and medals, then went to the one place I had overlooked (at worst) or never seriously considered (at best): God's embrace. Like the cliched archetype, I needed to clean my soul to seek deliverance and healing for all that was done to me; I needed give repentance and seek forgiveness for all that I had done to others.
Yet, I don't think I'm hiding or running from thing. I am not inculcating myself in God's word and trying to live according to his righteous standards as a way to hide from uncomfortable realities. I am a realist through and through; coupled with the fact that God hates a coward there really isn't an option to "flee" from reality. I am an open book that operates in truth and transparency. I don't believe I could hide from or behind anything if I tried. Nor am I trying to suddenly change my M.O. to one of "holier than thou." I am no one's judge although I will call out things I see that make no sense to me using my paradigm of logic and faith.
Instead I consider what I'm doing not only a necessity for true living, spiritual maturity, and growth, but I also know its a safe spot. It's the one place where I can be protected and guarded from my most dangerous adversary: my mind.
I know what you're thinking: "Wait TLT, our biggest adversary is the devil, not our minds." True, but what do you think is one of the main weapons he uses to lure us in? Why did/do our elders say an idle mind is the devil's playground? In my context, if my mind is not kept on the things of God (Jas 1:22), things that are healthy unequivocally spiritually uplifting I will experience the world without time. I will remember and visit places I am struggling to clean out: The Summer of 2008, that negro winning being awarded the throne, trying to balance the never ending beef with congress and "MacArthur" etc. I got so much stuff to clean out in this current wilderness trek that its real easy to stop in the middle of my cleanse and reminiscence on things that should not be called into my heart (Issiah 65:17 NTW).
More so than a an offensive weapon and protection against the darkest corners of my mind, the Word and the instructions therein FINALLY provides me a with a place where things make sense. If the word is a room then I can say that it makes sense in here, it does not make sense out there. Love is unconditional in this space, in the world it is totally based upon a set of conditions. Here I am understood and respected, outside I am ridiculed for who I am. In this room who I am is not as important as who I will be, out there I am forever haunted by sins of yesterday's past. In this place there is healing, out there pain; was there really any other choice for me to make?
Do not be misled; I am no fool. I know that I will have to account for things I done before returning to this room. God and the faith are not some magical goose that I can fall back to after doing all sorts of things for umpteen years. Yet, through his grace those punishments will be light or better yet they won't totally wipe me out. Even if he doesn't I still won't leave this space. If he did nothing else for me he's done enough. His undeserved kindness is sufficient for my life (NWT).
I think about the archetype my friend compared me to and they always seem to have a sad ending. I don't believe my Creator (who is forever praised, AMEN) has a sad ending in store for me. I've enduring the breaking down process, I've submitted to the wilderness trek, I'm working on the bad habits and begging for a new mind; doing these things I will show myself approved. My story won't end in a poetic death but a victorious rise into a true man of God fully equipped for all things.
As I said in January I can only go up...those seeds of hope that are watered and nurtured by faith and God will manifest an upgrade.
~Author's Note: I am not completely back from hiatus but I had to drop this in honor of the up coming Valentine's Day to express some frustration. I wont be back full time until around April~ TLT
"They gotta place self on the main throne before they can have a co-regent... otherwise, they'll keep on fuckin with the Joker"~Ekklektia
Happy Early Valentine's Day!
Sup snarky mofo reading this. I've missed yall so let's get right into it.
I.hate.baby.daddies.
I know what you are thinking: "Um, TLT aren't you a baby daddy?"
I am but at the same time I'm not. I'm not making sense? Well let me explain:
I used to be a baby daddy. I was that nigga who wouldn't treat J-Hawk, my BM, right to save my soul. I was a young cat and honestly I didn't know how to make heads or tails about family, being the man etc. So I messed up, she would get fed up and would try to move on. I really didn't care that she left until she started liking somebody. Then all of a sudden I wanted my family back, I cared, I needed her love etc. I kept these "emotions" until her new interest was dismissed or left and then when I felt what was mine was secure, I went right back to the same shit. This cycle continued until she got fed up and ended it; a few weeks later "The Long Night" hit and I had to grow up and accept some truths about myself and among those truths was that J Hawk and I were better friends and parents than lovers. So we evolved, created an atmosphere of truth and transparency and we made a situation that rivals what Will Smith, Jada Pinket and his baby mama got. It's real, peaceful, and honest. More importantly it has boundaries. Neither of us interferes in the others personal relationships unless: a) Money or property has been stolen/damaged, b) there is some kind of abuse or c) our children are disrespected or harmed. Outside of that, I can say with no hyperbole that neither of us gives two shits what the other does. I mean during the "LSC" and "DOF", J-Hawk didn't interfere or say one word until I went into the hospital for seven days. Then it became her issue because my mental health had failed, and that impacted my ability to be a father to those two heirs. She was concerned and wanted the situation resolved, not for her own gains but for our children. This is the kind of balance and respect I seek when I meet any woman especially after recent events. After the shit I am currently seeing and a meeting I had a lil over a month ago, I've discerned that sisters may not be totally emotionally honest when it comes to being over their baby daddy and that is hella problematic.
I love yall Sistas, but I need for yall to make up your minds. Seriously, this shit with the baby daddy(ies) has gotten outta fucking control. I mean really why do yall even claim single and start looking when you know damn well you still attached to this dude either fiscally, physically, or emotionally. I mean why even start something new when you know damn well as soon as this ass-clown figures out what string of words to put together you're gonna go running right back to him like rats to his pied piper?
It's not fair to the men who seek to build something meaningful with you (and possibly your children) and honestly it really begs the question of your integrity. I mean just be honest. There is no shame in truth and transparency. If you wanna wait 15 years for him to finally ask you to marry him, be truthful. If you really need his money to survive or pay your rent, be truthful. If you think no other man knows you but him and you know you're gonna forgive every sin he does because hey its all in the past, be honest. Stop acting like you through when you know you're not. That shit makes me cuss.
Now that the emotional clouds have been lifted, I am thinking/processing on all cylinders and honestly some of the shit I'm hearing, seeing, and living defies logic. Why do you need to have access to his money? Why do you need that information? That is some married couple shit right there. J-Hawk is my G, my buddy and one of my best friends, but I am sure she'll laugh in my face if I asked for access to or information about her money and would press charges if she knew I had such access/information to her money and vice versa. Tell me again why it fucking matters what he thinks about us dating? Why would should we/I be concerned about what he thinks about me/us when the last time we spoke was almost 20 years ago? Again I'm sure J-Hawk would utterly spit hot coffee at me if I crossed such a boundary. Why is he living in your house for the past six months? Ha comedy. If I stayed at BM's house more that two days she's putting my shit on the back porch. I'm a pretty fucking intelligent dude, so explain to me why I can't express love in front of your family cause it would get back to him? If you wanna marry me then why does it matter what he thinks? I can only imagine the look BM would have is somebody suggested she hide an important (sic) facet of her life to make me, the fallen king, happy or kept ignorant or both.
I guess what bothers me is that as a former scummy baby daddy, I know for a fact these niggraz don't want yall and just get a thrill knowing they can have this measure of control over your lives. They (and I when I was doing this) could give two fucks about putting the "family" back together or any of that other bullshit. This shit is about territory. He can't deal, like I couldn't deal, with another niggra all up in the woman he believes is his. So in order to remove that man, he plays on the one aspect that you are soft for, the kids, and you just give in. You shit on and shit can the brother who is doing right, for the one who promises to do right? So he gets back and does what? The same shit he did when you left. He's right back to lying, slapping you around, texting his ex, pissing away the money, ignoring your emotions, ignoring you, not fucking you right, blah blah blah and he's now even more extra because he knows you will get rid of a true king to eat his shit. He knows he has a infinite get out of jail free card. He knows he can fuck up, let you think you wanna leave, come back with tears and pleas of family and in a week you'll be sucking his dick and the cycle continues: wash, rinse, repeat.
Yeah our love life does reflect our real politics. I digress though.
Really Queens how many Kings are you gonna let go in your life because you can't stop fucking or fucking with the Joker? How many second, third, fourteenth chances you gone give the negro who has shown he can't do it and at the same time deny the brother who is doing it real chances? It doesn't take a whole day to recognize sunshine and honestly if he was going to do right and wife you up he would have done so. You don't fight to get back into a place to stay "babydaddy". Let me give you an example: There are three exes I have that if I ever got back with (assuming I am single if the chance arouse) I would marry a week after reconnecting. Why? Because you don't come back to be in the same spot. You come back to do better. Brett Farve didn't come back just to play football. He came back to win a fucking ring. So when you give him his fifty-fifth chance is he talking the championship? I seriously doubt it. I am willing to bet these convos ain't even happening. If these talks are happening, I'm sure it's the whole "when I'm ready/ I aint ready" type convo. As a former scummy baby daddy I can tell you that nothing makes his dick harder than to know he got control over you like that. He's laughing, your delusional and the good dude is kinda salty.
After taking time off to reflect after an emotional meeting (well it was emotional for me) I recently with an old friend, (in this meeting it was confirmed that she decided to give her baby daddy chance number 4,591) I was forced to take stock and look at my last committed relationship, my last few dating experiences and last attempted dating experiences. What I have discerned is that the these damn baby daddy dynamics are the major obstacles to anything serious I want to build, and its forcing me to put further barriers in place to prevent me from being hurt again or given the short end of the emotional stick. I am tired of the Baby Daddy Blues and I need to figure out a way to stay out of situations that will lead to me having BDB. But by putting up these barriers I am shortchanging possibly a good sister who might really want to be true, and might truly have an understanding of how this shit is done like me and J-Hawk has figured out.
Shit maybe Mary Mitchell is right. Maybe yall do need to just marry your baby daddies and get it over with. Oh wait. He's bullshitting on that. My bad.
I don't know. I am trying to figure all this out. I guess right now all I am asking the sisters I encounter (past, present and future) if you know you still got hopes and dreams for that Joker to be the King, don't waste my time, energy or emotions. Don't talk about building anything with me if you even got a minuscule hope that he comes around. Just leave me the along and wait around for him to do whatever he will do and let me be on my way.
"Thank you for keeping me resolute, when all around me seemed lost" ~Eli
It's time. I dreaded this day and tired to find a hundred reasons not to go forward with this decision, but I couldn't find nary a one. But honestly even if I found those reasons it IS time I take this step back. As I said in December, I have written the world's longest love letter, poured my heart and soul into this blog and I truly need to take time off this to finish reconstructing memory, reconnecting with history, and finally doing whatever it is God wants me to do. More importantly, it is time I finish my process of healing, in private, and clean up any lingering messes I made in 2009.
I will be back, when all are one. I am not sure when that one will be; although I know it will be.
As I depart, I leave you with this track by Al Green, which I got from one of the opening sequences in "The Book of Eli". I think it will serve as a PROPER closing in this chapter of Straight, No Chaser just as it served its purpose in the opening sequences of that wonderful, spiritual epic; We both share in an underlying theme of healing. Like Eli, I need to finish my journey.
I thank you all for your love and support. I WILL see you soon.
"Never stop fighting till the fight is done." ~Elliot Ness
2009-A year I will long remember.
I had planned on proposing on New Year's Eve. I was going to do it right before the BFL toast (or whatever toast we would be having). I had every intention of starting 2010 with her as my fiance and my family life finally together.
I had begun saving for a ring. I was thinking of wedding concepts so when it came time for her to plan the wedding I wouldn't be the typical male bump on the log.
Of course as you are undoubtedly aware, those dreams were smashed to pieces in perfect storm of depression, stubbornness, mis-communication, and angst that was the LSC (and by extension the DOF), which has the dubious honor of being the darkest and most unjust time of my lfe.
Subsequently, during the months that followed and the accompanying emotions I had made the decision not to suffer any more setbacks or let downs. So depressed and heartbroken was I that it was not outside the sphere of reality for me to have made the ridiculous and equally selfish decision to commit the ultimate act of surrender. Thankfully most of despair passed and I scrapped those plans. I give credit to Jehovah for not leaving me when my faith seems to give out. That more than anything is the reason why I know I was able to scrap those plans.
Before I did understand the saying "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."
Trust me I understand it now.
Even as I publish this retrospective of 2009, this piece you are reading is not what I planned. I had written something harsh, a tome to let the world know how badly I was hurt and let down by the various people whom I love(d) so dearly. It was a beautifully written lamentation of the dark year of my life. Yeah I was gonna make this blog cry as I so love to say.
However, I refuse to end 2009 like that. I will not end with the blogspot's version of Tupac's "Machiavelli" album; a well written, creatively sound, but extremely disturbed piece of work.
There is no question I lost in a major way this year. Anybody who can't discern that or questions that or even disagrees with this assessment needs their head checked. It is also a known fact I need to take time and rebuild. This is why recreating my historical memory is essential to my healing.
But at the same time I have learned so much, endured so much, survived so much and gained so much in 2009; despite my soul breaking losses I did eventually make it to one knee and I did begin my process of getting back on my feet. That in itself is a blessing. It also proves my assertion that when it matters I'm a solider. I will never surrender, quit or give in....even when I think I'm going to.
I realize even in the shadow of those losses there are rays of bright light that shine through. I FINALLY have the career I want. I have honed my skills as a writer. My new inner circle will now be full of people who share similar world views and aspirations, as well as my victories and struggles. MOST importantly I am blessed with loving, intelligent, wonderful, awe inspiring sons. Their existence continues to fill me with energy and provide me with the seeds of hope.
With those seeds of hope I know, if for no other reason that after this year I can only go up; I eagerly await the harvest of 2010. If my dream and castle burned, then out of those ashes will arise a man, stronger than anything ever seen, more focused and determined.
I will never again lose like I did this year. There is NO Greater weapon than a prepared mind. Believe you and me, I am preparing my mind.
Thank you for taking this journey with me blogspot and snarkymofo reading this.
It's 69 degrees and the wind is blowing perfectly from the east. Each slight breeze is a gentle massage on my skin. Anybody who knows me knows I love weather like this; the perfect 69 degrees reminds me of Nashville and when time was simpler and with a small pang of guilt life in the B.C. era.
I stood in the park enjoying the late night breeze, mediating on the weeks events; completing the meaning and struggling to find balance. Of course this moment towards balance was complicated by the swigs of Effen Black Cherry I was taking. Still the slight buzz and breeze continued to take over my body and relax my tight muscles. I was able to see the world, without time, and attempt to make sense out of my life.
As I stood there humming the lyrics to People Get Ready by Curtis Mayfield, the breeze that had so relaxed me stopped; in its place a gust of heat that seemed to turn this quiet night into a 99 degree day. Without missing a sip I turned and saw him walking towards me, each step a perfect stride, sporting a cream polo, blazer and jeans, and hair faded to the 9's. Par the course, he was the perfect mirror image to my current ragged state. I took another swig of vodka and tried to, as humanly possible, prepare myself for tonight's encounter.
"Good Evening Mr. Thomas" he said in an all to familiar voice, her voice, each step pronounced by the sounds of his feet hitting the pavement.
I don't speak. I take another swig of vodka.
He walks right up and stands next to me.
"The camp of a defeated army. Boy I never get tired of this scene. It's something poetically funny about seeing the hopes and dreams of people so determined smashed into bits don't you agree?"
I still don't respond. Instead I take another sip.
He points at the flask and laughs. "No Seagram's Apple tonight? Man a nigga get a job and now he wanna buy Effen, bougie muthafucka".
I still don't respond.
"Guess who I saw tonight? Heh she was looking good. Smelled good too. He got to be hitting that good and raw. I wonder if he stares with the same intensity..."
He is cut off by my sloppy swing. The first one grazes him, but the second is easily deflected as he blocks my arm and kicks my left leg out.
"Liquid Courage has been the downfall of many men. Don't let it be yours. Now pick yourself up. Somebody walks by and they'll see a drunk man in the grass." He extends his hand to help me up. "Let's play nice tonight Mr. Thomas." Every time he fucking says that I wanna scream but I don't let it show on my face.
Shaking off his punch and struggling for breath I finally speak to him.
"You're interrupting my meditations" I say as I finally take his hand and come to my feet.
"Meditations? Who? You? LOL. Ha Com.e.dy. Mr. Thomas you don't mediate. You brood. If you truly were meditating you would have discerned the answer by now."
"I'm so not in the mood for you."
"Why is that? You deal with strangers on your blog. What makes me different. At least you can see me."
"Can we get to the point? Does my "test" start now?
He laughs and it is a deep soul moving laugh. "No, I've changed my mind. No test for you."
"Interesting and why is that?"
"Simply you're not broken enough. I need you a lil more dilapidated than this."
I make a face and look at him "It doesn't get worse than this."
"Man, you don't know how bad it's going to get".
I walk right up to his face and tell him "Fuck you."
"Oh you mean like..." his words drift off. "You ALWAYS set yourself up for that."
"I heard you're a liar" and I turn and walk away.
He chuckles. "Stop talking to baptists. They'll steer you always steer you wrong."
He is beside me again, moving as if he teleported.
"Look Mr. Thomas, I got a deal for you. A better deal. Even you wont be able to say no to this one".
Sighing frustratedly and in a mocking tone I respond "Do an act of worship to me and all the kingdoms will be mine right?" For the first time in any of our encounters I laugh at HIM. I turn to keep walking.
His face gives away his annoyance. "Even better."
I keep walking.
"What could a man do with a 72 hr advance notice? Better yet Mr. Thomas what would you DO with a 72 hr advance notice" he asks curiously.
My stride slows and then stops. I turn around to face him. I am now feeling the full effects of the vodka and the world is blurry and unstable. The only thing I can see clearly is him.
"I could do miracles and prevent disasters with that kind of head start"
He pulls out his golden apple and takes a bite.
"I know. 72 hrs. That's a big lead"
My feet begin to move and I don't know why; he was away but now in this blurry world he's the only thing that is clear, close and not moving in circles.
"So what are you saying?" I ask my voice no longer strong, the whine I've come to hate returning...
"I am saying to give me what I want and when you wake up it will be April 2nd."
"2009?"
"Yes April 1st 2009. And the only trick will be you will know what is gonna happen...up until April 5. I'm offering you a reboot, a do over, and a cheat sheet"
I try to swallow and the lump in my throat hurts. I take a swig of vodka and there is no more. Did he just offer me a do over? A chance to prevent it all? I pull out BH2, hoping for a sign. My phone is dead.
Smirking he says "Oh I turned that off. I don't want us to be interrupted. What were you looking for Mr. Thomas? A sign? From him? You've done it his way. And what did you get? What have you gotten? Some other man fucking your wife? Ridicule? I'm offering you a fucking do over and you're standing there looking dofus like. Take the fucking deal Terrance. He tilts his head. If not for you do it for the boys." As he finishes his smirk turns into a full smile.
I feel the tears flowing from my eyes, I feel the hurt inside and I feel it all overwhelming me. My chest wants to explode, my head hurts and my right hand is extending.
I do what until that moment is unthinkable. I give him my right hand. I take the apple from him.
He takes my hand and it burns as I grasp his. The pain is a necessary side effect "No tricks?" I ask.
"None. When you open your eyes it will be April 2nd and you'll have all the knowledge you need."
I nod.
"Now you need to kneel".
I feel my legs giving out and my body going heavy. This is wrong, but right, its necessary. I've done it right and got nothing. Why not try him I reason?
Suddenly he turns and looks. His face blazing with anger. He lets my hand go and I notice he expression isn't anger but fear. Something has made afraid.
"We finish this later."
And then he is gone....
I stand in the park unsure of how to feel. He had me. He won. Why did he let me go. What MADE him let me go.
I decide its finally time to go home. I'm standing in the middle of a park on 79th drunk and that is a sure "get your ass locked up" combination.
I stumble across to the bus stop and there is an elderly sister I assume is one of the many hobo's riding the 79th street bus at 3am. I speak politely so she won't think I'm a threat and mess around and mace me or something, thereby making my crazy night worse.
"Good evening ma'am"
She smiles and speaks in a peaceful almost southern tone
"Hi baby." As if she's studying me, she asks "you OK? its to late for you to be out. Your wife is gonna be mad if something happens to you. Ain't nothing out this late but trouble"
"I don't have a wife, not any more at least" I say. Then I add "I'm already in trouble"
She nods "Yeah that's why I screamed for that man you was fighting and arguing with to leave you alone. He looked like he was gonna hurt you"
Now my face is puzzled. "What man?" I ask trying to be coy
"That evil man over there. Had I not said something he surely was gonna hurt you."
Suddenly my buzz is gone. Now I am wondering if ......
She walks up and touches my face. "Mr. Thomas, Mr. Thomas I know this is hard. I know this hurts but it is going to be better. You're not forgotten, disliked, hated and you ARE LOVED and thought about. Do not believe his lies.
She turns and begins to walk away. "Your soul depends on you remembering this. Baby the Duel of Fates is real"
I stand there stunned and in amazement. "Thank you" I say now tearful again.
She smiles. "You're welcome baby. One more thing. Have you discerned how he gets to you? Have you figured out what gives him the in path?"
"Thinking about her?"
"No. Your thoughts are love. He uses that as the red herring. When you discern how he gets to you, then you'll stop leaving him that opening."
She walks away and I lose her in the darkness....
Suddenly my phone buzzes and I get a text message. It's an old message but now it's in my new file.
"Mr. Thomas only Jehovah truly knows."
I shake my head when I realize that I was saved by an angel. I was about to yield and I was had to be saved.
That doesn't make me feel to good.
I go home and go to bed. I hold my young son as I try to make sense of tonight's events and how I was about to, had given in only to be saved. This will fuck with me for a while...this situation will fuck with me for a while. Man I gotta get my soul right...before I mess up my WHOLE life.
I wasn't going to do a weekend update, partly because I have two unfinished pieces sitting in my drafts that I could be working on, but also I think it is uber depressing to get a dispatch from the front lines of a beleaguered, defeated army. I mean seriously you ever see those old films of generals surrendering, leaders yielding and other sorts of giving up? It makes you wanna cry. I mean look at this here. Or this here. No better yet how about this one. That is how my house looks and feels this morning. And for the historically deficient, I just compared this shit to the end of the Civil War, the Japanese surrendering on the Missouri, and the fall of Saigon. But in spite of these feelings that doesn't remove my responsibility for a weekend update.
On my current career situation: I have interviewed with a couple of social service agencies, looking for alternative certification route and as a final option will find a MA program in either Public Administration or Political Science. As I stated back in April I aced my Basic Skills tests to that gives me a ton of negotiating room.
I would love to stay with the organization I'm with but since my current contract ends on Sept 30th, and I haven't heard anything about my status in any form I must only conclude that I am not up for renewal and have to take my skills and brilliance else were. Again, this search and mission is made easier by the fact that I am not returning to retail nor any bullshit gigs. Unlike my personal life my professional one is pretty much cut and dry.
The Wei Yan Situation It's funny how this topic has moved to the front of the conversation since the piece "On Thy Honor"; esp when you consider that the MAIN THEME of that topic wasn't the termination of generals but rather a testimony/testament/character reference by those who knew me best and to provide a counter point to an assessment of my persona was I know was flawed by someone I so love and revere, even outside the context of an "US".
Yet a lot of people took that post as a justification of my friendship, or lack thereof with the Ret. General. One of the aforementioned drafts deals with why I ended our friendship this time around and I'm still debating on hitting the "Publish Post" button; I know the creature and I know she reads and it will only get ugly(er). But keeping true to myself I might have to file this one under the "they'll get over it tab." I think it's a story that needs to be told and a situation that requires some light. So yeah, look for that complete post in the next week and a half or so. I will say this right here and now: Yes, she helped me at a very critical moment. I appreciate that and I'm sure my love(d) ones do as well. It was that reason why I wiped her original sins clean. Let me add that I no longer see her as a villain, nor will I vilify her. There was an small element of political expediency present in my decision. I know for a fact she would have never submitted to the throne and I was also aware that had she come back (the)Queen wouldn't had tolerated her presence one bit. With that said in order to get (the) Queen back to the table, I removed the one thing I believe(d) irked her outside of my blog and drunken rambling emails. But do not be mislead: Even if you remove (the)Queen factor, Ret. Gen got her own self removed; like McCarthy during Korea she just wouldn't listen and was hell bent on me healing her way. In essence she helped then turned around and worked against the healing program because I would not in her words "forget about her". That created conflict, that brought the toxic nature back and finally a decision had to be made in the best interests of both our sanity, our family and the larger picture. Like I said it's more complex than "she vs. her" or some high school paradigm.
Shutting my blog down Com.e.dy. Stop emailing, stop implying, stop asking. It ain't happening. I am not doing it. No way. If I didnt consider it when the Queen Mother suggested it, what change DO you have. I shouldn't have shut down the first myspace blog, but I did so trying to maintain a peace, heal a friendship and in the process lost some classic material as well as an introspective into my life at a certain point and time. I concede at times I am careless on this thing, other times I really don't think my words have that much impact. But if what I am told is true and now my blog is being debated in class that means I got a lot more folks reading than my "subscriber" tab would indicate and I need to be a tadbit careful...but not much.
The important thing to remember about my blog, even when I was writing political (which by the way I'll be doing again shortly) is it is about my life from my P.O.V. It is not a gospel, it is not meant to be a definitive statement of events but rather how I see, thought, think, feel and react to the situations in my life....Straight No Chaser. If I'm not allowed that right then damn....
The Breaking of the Dark Knight I wrote a couple of days ago how I finally think, as painful as it is to do, gotta give up my campaign. It sucks, it's not fair, its painful, emotional, bitter, sad, not fair and whole bunch of other words that make my chest hurt but the fact of the matter is that a) I am moving towards a (re) burnout and b) My struggle is not being viewed in a proper context I believe and I am running the risk of forever losing, tarnishing (more) my legacy and at the worst being hated or disliked. Since none of those were agenda items or goals I was trying to obtain this means that I, gotta stop. I'm have to take a page out Ekklektia/Ishamariablanca's book and step back, yield and accept this is Jehovah's will even if it hurts. If there is someone on the her throne, I need to bow before it. I have seen and participated in the banning of generals who don't get with the program. Prime Ministers are not above banning either (Thanks to Soror/Sage for that ugly moment).
*sigh*
Let's remove all the hyperbole and just get blunt: True love isn't about being a bull in a china shop. If (the) Queen or anybody else *points at all you mofos* don't know my heart, thoughts and feelings then honestly...I have no words. I cant force way back and I cant debate my way back. I fought the good fight and now...it's time to...do...something. I admit I don't know. I do know though Mirrors are real and I honestly don't wanna be banned. With that said, I'm sorry if my actions or my words, or my blogs have been hurtful, or crude; as I stated above that was not my intent. I am neither phony nor fake, crazy nor bitter. I am a simple man who just simply wanted to go home.
And there will still be plenty for me to do and write about....
Aight I'm going back to play Batman... oh wait speaking of Batman
On Batman Arkham Asylum: This is the greatest game ever made in the history of Batman games. I swear Jehovah was in the room with the developers as they made this piece of art. I mean damn. So far I'm 66% complete, I've survived Bane's nonsense, Scarecrow's fear toxic, and Killer Croc's sewers; I wont even speak on the Joker's henchmen and the Riddler's challenges.
They even set up a website based off of a site they mention in the background: www.Arkhamcare.com/prices
To all those affected by my inconsistencies, hurt by my choices and unsure of my integrity esp (the) Queen. It's a small gesture, harder than you may think to accomplish, that I remembered from a time when life was simple and I'm sorry fixed problems. May this innocent gesture soften your hearts to complex problems.
1.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
2.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
3.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
4.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
5.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
6.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
7.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
8.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
9.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
10.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
11.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
12.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
13.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
14.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
15.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
16.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
17.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
18.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
19.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
20.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
21.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
22.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
23.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
24.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
25.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
26.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
27.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
28.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
29.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
30.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
31.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
32.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
33.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
34.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
35.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
36.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
37.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
38.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
39.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
40.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
41.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
42.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
43.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
44.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
45.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
46.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
47.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
48.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
49.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
50.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
51.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
52.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
53.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
54.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
55.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
56.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
57.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
58.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
59.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
60.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
61.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
62.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
63.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
64.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
65.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
66.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
67.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
68.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
69.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
70.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
71.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
72.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
73.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
74.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
75.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
76.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
77.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
78.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
79.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
80.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
81.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
82.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
83.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
84.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
85.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
86.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
87.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
88.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
89.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
90.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
91.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
92.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
93.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
94.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
95.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
96.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
97.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
98.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
99.I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
100. I am SO SORRY I didn't listen and made a mess of things. I WILL NOT do it again.
