Before Lovers and a Mad Man: Michael Corleone and The Kolinahr.

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."
~ 1 Corinthians 10:13 (ESV)

It's funny how things are affirmed and revealed to you at the most interesting moment.....

A week or so again I was chilling with my buddy Flo-Jo, maxing some veggie tacos, shooting the breeze about high school, arguing over who won the Jay Z and Nas beef, and watching The Godfather. It was one of those afternoons where everything was peaceful and one doesn't really expect to have a "Damascus" moment.

So while we are watching the movie Flo-Jo's face suddenly lights up as if she had an epiphany, turns to me and says "TLT, that's you. You're Michael Coroleone!" Being the coy dude I am I respond "You mean a smooth gangsta mofo that runs a city or two?" She shakes her head and with the most somber face says "No, your emotionally distant."

I dismiss the comment and we finish hanging out. Yet I couldn't get her quip out of my head. That wasn't the first time I had been accused of being emotionally distant. The late Queen Mother often said she feared the LSC/DOF era had left me emotionally broken; she wondered if anything outside of my children/family or my council could ever get to my heart (again). I spent the afternoon reflecting on Flo-Jo's and Queen Mother's commentary.

Later that evening I asked Babymama if she thought I was emotionally distant or capable of loving anyone outside the family. She pondered for a minute then said "Babydaddy, you been through so much b.s., esp that last situation that I do think you've built a wall. So yeah I can see their point." Since Babymama has always been a rude critic of mine, I really took what she said to heart. She does know me.

A few days later I was sitting and talking with my oldest sister and I asked her the same question I asked Babymama. Before I could get the question out good, she responded with "hell yes." Shocked I asked her why she felt that way and she said:

Well, from I've seen every since you and that gal broke up you've been quite distant to any woman that tries to get into your emotional space. You're dismissive, irritated, short tempered, moody, and look for any reason to cancel the deal. Dude, your like a tyrant. I honestly don't think you can love anybody not in the family. You may have forgive and forgotten but it should be clear to anybody with any sense you got a lot of emotional scars and you ain't bit more ready for a woman, let alone marriage.

I almost spit my coffee out. I never noticed this. I just thought things fell apart because things fell apart. I never really thought I was throwing wrenches in my own dynamics. All I knew was these chicks irked me with these rules, trying to change me, the fifty thousand questions, talking about how spoiled they were, asking about my finances, complaining all the darn time, the fourteen calls a day, the wanting to touch me, the interrupting my Xbox/blogging time, and definitely interrupting Daddy-Son time. Any minor annoyance was enough for me to hit ignore when they called. But now with this Damascus moment I had to do what I do so well and self reflect. I've thought about all the women who has either been or tried to be in my emotional space since April of 2009. So with this I've taken the matter to prayer and I realize the following truth:

I have become what I despise the most. I have become an arsehole in love.

*pause*
Somewhere I hear both Ekkletia and the C.O.S. saying "told you so." Be quiet negroes.

*play*
I confess I am saddened by this. I always believed in (at least trying) to be emotionally responsible and having been on the receiving end of some gross emotional responsibility last year or so, that is the last thing I want to be. But the truth, no matter how painful, can't be denied. I am an emotional jerk at worst and at best I have somehow managed to disconnect my emotions from my brain in the area of non-family relationship type love and or emotions.

The crazy thing is I suspected this but wasn't sure. I know I've been accused in recent times of being "unavailable", "distant","difficult", "aloof" and "selfish". I think the last charge struck me the most because the one thing no woman who was associated with me could say was I emotionally selfish. Yet, this adjective has became associated with me. I believe what is being reveled to me is this truth: While I am no longer at a place of bitterness and anger about the heartbreaks, esp last year I am not quite ready to hand my heart over again. Conversely, all of the heartbreaks I have issues has drained me also, so rather than irresponsibly break someone's heart I'd rather not accept someone's heart.

Long story short: I may not be ready for a relationship and I darn sho' ain't ready for a wife, even if being married is something I truly yarn. I need to pray on this more. Being a victim of emotional irresponsibly please believe it is the last thing I want to do is do that to anyone (again).

In the Star Trek mythology there is something called "Kolinahr", a ritual designed to rid Vulcans of emotions. I don't remember which blog I wrote this, but a year or so ago I asked God to help me get in control of my emotions and if I were not obedient, to remove all unnecessary emotion. I am now wondering if God has answered my prayer in an effort to help me focus on the things of God. Considering my never ending skill of attracting emotionally complex, conflicted, compromised and confused women, (which an upcoming blog WILL explore in depth) maybe God has put me in a place to attain my own personal "Kolinahr" until I am ready and completely healed so I can hear his word and follow his direction in finding my wife. Perhaps by utterly removing the one thing I hadn't shown the best discipline am I being prepared for the blessings. As I said though I am still praying on the matter. Until it is revealed anything else is mere speculation.

Still, it is something to really consider.....

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised amen.
In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
10-9-2010
5:32pm

The Longzhong Plan: Parable, Prophesy or just a great story.

Author's Note: The following story and characters is taken from one of my all time favorte books Romance of the Three Kingdoms; the actual text comes from the introduction of the book "Mastering the Art of War" by Thomas Cleary. As the title suggests I think it to be a parable, possibly a prophesy, and a just a damn good read. What you think it means I live up to you. I will simply use the words of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and say "whoever has ears, let them hear" ~TLT

In the spring of 208, member of the imperial family of the Han Dynasty and virtuous warrior Liu Bei, was on the cusp of total defeat. Although he was in command of three of nations strongest and cunning warriors: Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, and Zhao Yun, he lacked a strategist who could rival the wiles of Tsao Tsao, his arch enemy.

Acting upon the advice of an former subject, Liu Bei and his sworn brothers, Guan Yu and Zhange Fei, went to visit the Hidden Dragon, Zhuge Liang. Liu Bei was advised that Zhuge Liang was a mind unrivaled under heaven and would alter his fortunes. (As a side note he was also advised to seek out The Fledgling Phoenix, Pang Tong, should Zhuge Liang been unwilling to serve. Tong was seen as Liang's equal of sorts.)

After seeking out the reclusive genius three times, Liu Bei was finally given an audience. After sitting down Liu Bei said to Zhuge Liang "The house of Han is collapsing; treacherous officials are usurping authority; the emperor is blinded by the dust.” The warrior lord went on to solicit Zhuge’s advice.

In response, Zhuge Liang told Liu Bei the following:

“Ever since the beginning of the current power struggle for what is left of the Han empire, many prefectures and districts have been taken over by such men. If you compare current contenders for national power, one of them - the notorious Tsao Tsao was once an unknown with a small force, yet he was able to overcome another warlord with a much large following. The reason the weaker was able to prevail over the stronger is not simply a matter of celestial timing, but also of human planning. Tsao Tsao now has a million followers; he controls the emperor and gives orders to the lords - he can not really be opposed.”

“Another warlord, in control of the area east of the river, is already
the third generation hegemon there. The territory is rugged and the
people are loyal to him; the intelligent and capable serve in his
employ. He would be a suitable ally, but he cannot be counted on”

“Here there is ease of communications and transport. It is a land
suitable for military operations. If its ruler cannot keep it this
would seem to be a boon to a general. Do you have any interest in it?
To the southwest are precipitous natural barriers beyond which lie
vast fertile plains. That land is called the heavenly precinct, and it
is where the Han dynasty really began.”

“Now the governor of that region is ignorant and weak. To the north is the stronghold of the independent Taoist cult of Celestial Masters. The people are robust and the land is rich, but they do not know how to take care of it. Men of knowledge and ability want to find an
enlightened leader.”

“General, you are a descendant of the imperial family, and are known everywhere for integrity and justice. You gather heroic men and eagerly seek the wise. If you occupy this whole region, guard the crags and defiles, establish good relations with the foreign tribes to
the west and south, make friends with the warlord east of the river, and work to perfect internal organization, then when there is a upheaval in the total political situation and you mobilize your armies, the common people will surely welcome you with food and drink. If you can really do this, hegemony can be established, and the house of Han can be revived.”

Liu Bei agreed, and it turned out as planned.

Zhuge Liang became his top strategists.

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised AMEN)

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-18-2010
12:10pm

Towards a More Perfect Union: Still Rethinking Black Love

"You are a beautiful as Tirzah my darling,
as lovely as Jerusalem,
as majestic as troops with banners.
Turn your eyes from me;
they overwhelm me"~
Song of Solomon 6:4-5(Songs) TNIV

I have no clue as to what it is about the weather turning nice that is so toxic to Black relationships. Perhaps it is the alluring effect of the summer wind blowing freely that touches our primal side making us want to run wild and act like beasts in heat. Or maybe it's the plethora of half dressed chicks and men in body shirts that leave nothing to the imagination and get the blood flowing. What is it that makes us want to drop our "Winter Mami/Papi" and go play for the summer like a fall TV show on hiatus? Perhaps mofo's are tired of being cooped up; just like the old settlers they can finally leave their log cabin of after a long winter of relationships. When the snow melts and they get that desire to go out and explore the world (simple translation: they just tired of you).

I confess I don't have answers to these queries. I guess I am raising them in my never ending (self) dialog on Black love; I am also moved by a number of my friends who seem to be going through these motions at the moment. A few of my guys are ready to dump their girls, several of homie girls are ready to sign them papers, if they haven't out right signed them. It's maddening, especially when I've become the de facto relationship advice go to guy.

*pause*
I would be remiss and intellectually dishonest if I didn't point out that my last few runs crashed and burned and thus I am at a lost as to why they would come to me for help. I reckon I'm good at saving other folks stuff but not myself; or maybe even better I didn't (at the time) have the full set of necessary skills to save/fix/work through my dynamics.
*play*

I have explored Black love a few times in this space among various concepts: political, motivational, and the bluntly crude. However, I have never explored Black Love from a spiritual stand point. I will attempt to do that now.

As I grow in my spiritual walk, I am learning to put God and his righteous laws first; it does not matter what the area is, I need to make sure I use biblical application and spiritual discernment. The Apostle Paul writes in 2 Timothy 3:16-17: "All Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness, that the man of God may be fully competent, completely equipped for every good work (NWT). Thus, using the Scriptures, I decided to find a concise definition of love to frame my argument and naturally that lead me to the definition of love that is outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Here the Apostle Paul is very clear in what makes up the emotions and actions of love: patience, kindness, rejoices in the truth, always protecting, trusting, hoping, and persevering; at the same time he is very clear on what emotions and actions are NOT a part of love: pride, dishonor, self seeking, easily angered, envy, or keeping a record of the evil done. Further in verse eight of the same chapter he reminds us that "love never fails" and in verse thirteen we are told that "the greatest of these (faith, hope and love) is love.

Thus with a firm definition of love in place, the first logical question that Black Love (or those of you bless to be in a relationship based on Black Love) must ask is this: "Does the relationship we have and profess to have operate within the spiritual definition of love? As much as it depends on you (us) are we adhering to the Apostle's wise counsel? Is the dynamic full of trust, kindness, patience, hope, and truth (just to name a few) or is it full of the opposite: anger, selfishness, envy, pettiness, and dishonor? Black Love is like a flower seeking to bloom, and it will thrive off of the former, but will surely die off the latter. If your dynamic does not have the qualities of true love what can be done to infuse or inculcate them into your dynamic? Answering this essential question can be a major help in deciding if what you have is worth saving or fighting for.

Now that we have a spiritual definition of love to use, and we have spiritual examples of how love feels and acts, the next logical step in this formula is understand how our overall thinking effects how we operate with in Black Love. In doing this there are two things that immediately come to mind: what thoughts occupy our mental space and what words come out of our mouth.

In dealing with what occupy our thoughts the most important question to ask is "Are my thoughts where they need to be?" or "Am I thinking about another when I should be thinking about he or she?" It's damn near impossible to have productive Black love if your time is engaging in thoughts of another. I am reminded of the wise counsel our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, offers at Matthew 5:28. Jesus says here: "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart" While Jesus uses a married man's thought as an example his message here is clear: "You think it, you've done it." He didn't mince words or play around in hyperbole. Honestly, and I've been on both sides of this coin, how long do you think one can harbor all kinds of inappropriate thoughts before it effects their relationship. Jesus here wanted us to truly understand the wisdom found at Proverbs 23:7 "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. (KJV)" You can not continue to eat and drink the images, affections and thoughts of another and still keep your mind and spirit with the person you have offered a commitment too. It is only a matter of time before, as Jesus so wonderfully put it, that you are faced with the realization that "no man can serve two masters (Luke 16:13 TNIV)."

Please don't think I am acting holier than thou. That is not my intent. I will state it again for the record: I know this to be true not only because the Bible tells me it is true, but because I have been on both sides of this coin. Believe me when I tell you I know firsthand that as long as you harbor these thoughts, you will try to serve two masters; most importantly it will be only a matter of time before you are confronted in the reality about those naughty desires laid out in James 1:15 "after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." Like the above counsel on adultery, we can apply this to relationships: death in this context is the death our our relationship (and honestly our spiritual well being).

In speaking on the book James, he has offers sound advice for part two of our thought equation. Here James exhorts us to mind our tongue. James advises us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because our anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires" (James 1:19-20 TNIV). With this scripture in mind, is our (yours or mine) version of Black Love filled with all kinds of language and words that bring forth anger and wrath? Do the words we speak reflect love or are there nothing but hurt feelings, pain and suffering. Is the dynamic one of "you so and so" today then tomorrow "I love you? " Such behaviors can not feed love. Words hurt. Words remain. Words once spoken can never be taken back. I would argue most of the demise starts here: a painful word, leads to a wandering mind and then the definition and framework of love gets ignored or removed. Real talk we need to watch what we say; "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" is written in the bible for a reason. Honestly, if we can't watch what we say to our loved ones, which is really easy and simple, then we can't be expected to, and will not do, the really hard things.

The last thing that should be a staple of Black love, using the spiritual paradigm, is regardless if we actually "see" it or not it (Black Love) should be felt, it should be obvious from the things around us, in the same essence that the Creator's (who is forever praised Amen) love engulfs us. I am reminded of the words Paul writes in Romans 1:19-20 where he speaks about how although we have never "seen" God, his invisible qualities "have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made." In essence Paul is saying even though you can't touch it, you know its there from the things you see around you, from the presence it has on your life and how it makes you feel. Should not Black Love be the same thing? If you and your mate don't say a word all afternoon, shouldn't you be able to sit under that person and feel their warmth and love? If you and that person just wake up in the morning and share a glance, should the love not be evident? Even though you can't see a thing doesn't mean you can't see a thing ya know? Does the love you have subscribe to this scriptural message or do you have to struggle to find the energy, find the reason, find something to even apply the above principles, let alone live within the definition outlined in 1 Corinthians. If not then you really need to sit down, take this matter to God in prayer and see if your dynamic can be should saved.

I think I'm stop here. I don't want the blog to be overly preachy. I mean I could talk about the advise Solomon offers in Ecclesiastes or how couples should treat each other in Ephesians but I won't. I will offer and suggest you read those scriptures for yourself to get some understanding in how Black love can truly be saved and not be given just another quick fix transfusion. Like all other areas in our life, if we don't take Black Love to its spiritual and scriptural essence it will die.

I am sure some of you all who are reading this will probably dismiss it as another one of TLT rants or even hide behind the wonderfully flawed post modern notion of "you're single till you're married (I stole this from someone)" or as a frat brother of mine used to say "job applications don't ask if you have a girl. They asked are you married." I implore to rethink this foolishness. Such a position is dangerously post mod and logically unsound. Let me correct a fallacy right here and now: "practice doesn't make perfect." What makes perfect is "Perfect practice" The bad habits and erroneous thinking you have now you will take into your relationship and one day into your marriage and it WILL KILL IT. DEAD.

Before I end this, I want to encourage you all to read Solomon's "Song of Songs." While thinking about my aforementioned friends and their relationship woes, I feel asleep listening to the version recorded on "The Bible Experience" and I can tell you that was Black Love at its finest. I suggest finding "The Bible Experience" or reading the "Song of Songs (TNIV version is the best)" to really see what it means to have a spiritualyl productive love. It motivated me to write a blog.

What will in motivate you to do?

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5/12/2010
8:51PM

The Wildreness Trek and Entering My Joshua Moment

"You're not crazy, you're just dizzy from

going around that mountain so many times" ~CO

I would be lying if I said I didn't at times look back on the events of last year and not experience a sense of anger and bitterness that sometimes defy logic and is hard to put into words. Depending on the day, there are times where I feel/felt that I was screwed in a manner that would make Bret Hart feel totally sorry for me. There are moments where I would swear, if I asked, that I got the most half ass chance in history; professional wrestling would call me a "transitional champion" but in the dating world I think I would be called...

Never-mind. Such thoughts are unproductive and really aren't gonna resolve anything.

Yet, as real as those feelings can be (and at times are), I must admit they come about visiting spaces and places I have no discernible reason going or as my mama would say "ain't got no business being there." In a twisted sense of irony, I used to admonish folks for doing that, realizing the dangers in making judgments or drawing conclusions esp when you don't have all the information or knew the whole story. Still I guess that is a part of sin and imperfection to do that; I confess being in this role (at times) helps me understand the mind set of others who struggled to overcome whatever thorn in their flesh they (we) have to dealt with.

It was in a moment of brooding reflection that my mind allowed itself to wander and I got to see the world without time and realized that I was in the same position in the Spring/Summer of 2008 that I was in 2009; it was scary when I realized that almost to the letter the same players were involved in that drama. A love lock down, a sudden departure, being passed over for the wider path, and a couple of insane suitors. I mean it was letter for letter the same situation. Suddenly I realized that Soror Sage was right, as wonderfully intelligent as I am most days, I hadn't learned a damn thing in my travels and I really needed to figure out how I got from there to there and not moved one friggin iota on more than one occasion.

With this Chinese riddle on my mind I walked into worship this morning trying to figure out how I got trapped in ground hog day mode. As I sat in there, I listened to a wonderful woman of God ask us how long are we gonna walk in circles in the forest lost, trying to find our way home with bread crumbs. She asked when we going to stop using things that didn't work (i.e. the bread crumbs) and finally listen to the directions God is trying to give us. I stood there taking this in and for the first time in almost four months I begin to let go of my emotions and praised him with tears and a thankful heart. I'm not doing it her words proper justice; you had to have been there to hear her spiritual plea for us to return to God and let him lead.

As powerful as that was, nothing could have prepared me for the sermon I heard next.

This morning "CO" preached on reaching the Joshua moment of our lives, where we finally move into the "Promised Land." However, before this can happen we all must, almost without fail,wander in our own wilderness, and depending on what we needed to learn or get rid of that time may be brief or like the Israelites in the bible forty years.

For those of you who are biblically challenged here's the back story:

• Jehovah delivers the Israelites out of Egypt starting with the 10 plagues* and ending with the drowning of the Egyptian army at the Red Sea.
• It's supposed to be like an five-eleven day journey to the Promised Land of Canaan but....
• Israel shows no faith, no gratitude, no loyalty so as a punishment for their continued sins God lets them wander in the wilderness for forty years so the cowardly, unfaithful elders could die off, and new faithful ones who could be trained and ready to do God's will could be born. This lead to...
• the death of Moses and the ascension of his right hand man Joshua to head of Israel as they moved to claim the Promise Land. It should be noted that of all the Israelites who left Egypt only Joshua and Caleb were old enough to remember life in captivity. It should be also noted (thanks Ellektia) that Moses HAD to die off to prepare for a change in leadership

Got all of that? If not you can read the the account in Exodus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, and Joshua respectively.

CO explain that the time in the wilderness can be a punishment, but it can also be a moment to learn what to do when you reach the promise land; what habits of mind to take with you, how to discern what should matter and most importantly that in the promised land you will have to work and be strong in the faith; it is when we are comfortable do we get lazy and forget about God. In what probably was the best sermon I've heard this year (beating out the Valentine's Day Sermon) she described that we are not unlike the Israelites, namely Joshua, in that we will have to go through some things in order to be ready for the Promised Land. Joshua was on the front lines of that battle, Joshua snuck into Canaan to scout the land, Joshua had to be both loyal to God and Moses, the list goes on. I mean now that I think about it she's right, Moses, like most administrators, really did have it rough, but Joshua like a true solider had to bear the brunt of grunt work.

Guess what good people? Before we can get into our Promised Land, we will have to do some grunt work as well. We're gonna have to learn from, listen to and carry the water of the Moses' in our lives so we can know how to lead and when we ascend to leadership. We are going to have to have courage, keep God's word and be ready to clean our space of those who don't who don't share our faith and visions (like the nations surrounding Israel) I mean when we read the opening verses in the book of Joshua, we can get a clear blueprint of what has to be done before we get to the promised land. Check it out. Jehovah tells the Israelites in no uncertain terms that the old way, represented by Moses is dead. He let them know that while the covenant was still in place, the way the covenant was implemented was changed. He urged Joshua to be brave (no less than three times) to keep his laws and to fulfill all that they were promised and ordered to.

Again, this blog won't do the sermon proper justice and I won't exactly try to re-create it in this space, but again it got me to thinking about my riddle.

Outside of the revelation that history had repeated itself last year, I wondered for the first time if this was a apart of the divine plan. My Minister of the Interior (and co-MVP) often told me there was no way God was going to give me one of his daughters until I dealt with all I needed to deal with. She used to say, much to my irritation, that I was not ready for the "promised land". I used to scoff at that notion, often citing how long I've been in the wilderness and that my time was now.

I learned the hard way that my time and my concept of growth was not the same as the God's.

Like the Israelites of old, God stopped me at the border and sent me around the mountain one more time. No matter how many times I went skipping to the border joyfully proclaiming "I'm ready", or thinking it was my moment, my heavenly Father knew that I wasn't ready (or to be intellectually honest the situation wasn't ready), and one more trait had to die off in the wilderness. I had to kill off the traits of: insecurity, arrogance, jealousy; and in its place had to be born the traits of: Security, humbleness, and most importantly faith.

I've gone around the mountain so many times I'm actually friggin dizzy, so dizzy folks think I'm crazy. I now see that I'm not (that) crazy. I really am just dizzy from going around the mountains so many times.

Not trying to be presumptuous, I am sure my lingering feelings of occasional anger and bitterness is earning me another trip around the mountain. There is no way he is going to allow me to enter the promised land and have my Joshua moment cursing at another man's blessing. There is no way I can have that Joshua moment being resentful; it shows I am ungrateful for what I have now and zero faith in where he will take me. I know I need to pray for discernment, to lose these improper emotions and unGodly thoughts on current wilderness trek around the mountain because honestly I don't want to hear those very familiar words: "Gone around that mountain one more time." Moreover I need to do so not out of requirement, but out of love, as the Apostle Paul implores us to do.

This can only be done by following the instructions the Creator (who is forever praised Amen) gave to Joshua:

"Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

He didn't instruct him to mourn, be bitter and keep an account of the evil done. He didn't instruct him to be angry at another man's blessings, or be afraid to move on. This isn't even up for discussion.

I will learn this during this journey around the mountain.....I ain't trying to go back around. This mountain is huge.

In Truth and Transparency
Straight, No Chaser,
TLT
4/25/2010
7:15pm

A Sinner's Prayer....and Atonement.

"I'm so that God still hears a sinner's prayer"~Deitrick Haddon

Recently a ghost from my past found me (thanks to my Zeta Tribute blog), to check and see how I have been living the past few years since our brief internship. She felt inclined to reach out because she was shocked that I acknowledged (due to some of my immaturity) we didn't do to well. Curiosity can be like that I guess, it can make you re-visit spaces that otherwise we wouldn't go back to. I am sure this was no different.

As we progressed in the conversation, I explained to her some of my journeys since we last parted company; I also shared with her my (at the time) budding spiritual change and how part of that was confessing sins and leaving it with God. She asked me if I truly was sorry for how I acted towards her and I told her I was. She then asked if I was going to go back and apologize to all of the women I hurt and I let her know that I was not going to do such a thing. I made the point that I left the matter with God, I confessed, and if he saw fit to give me his grace I would accept its (like one has a choice). This isn't a negro version of "My Name is Earl" and I was not going to traverse the country trying to correct karma.

Judging from her text response, and I could be wrong, she didn't seem convinced. I think she felt, like most people would, that I needed to and should go back and make atonement to every single individual otherwise I wronged otherwise my change and redemption wouldn't be valid. Of course from my understanding of the Word doesn't tell me that or even really requires that of me but it did beg a very real question.

In the opening lines of the beautiful song "Sinner's Prayer" Deitrick Haddon sings:

I walked to the church ya'll
on a Sunday morning
stood outside contemplating
whether I should walk through the door
you see a lot of folks know me
from way back when
people holding me to
all those past sins....

...which describes my feelings to the letter. After the utter madness of last year, in which I walked away more bruised, scared, and spiritually dead than anybody else, I do sometimes worry as I pray, go to church and try to actually manifest change in my life if those in my space will accept and believe this moment of awakening; to be honest I also slightly worry if my critics will find this change true. I am sure nothing would please them more than me failing in trying to draw closer to Jesus and live out the life he has promised me. Negroes have a nasty habit of dancing and spiting on my grave.

But I'm not so worried about my critics as I am worried about people in my circle who often treat spiritual matters as something of a fad. I admit folks always swearing they gone do right. I keep hearing about the "old Terrance", or the "Terrance of a few years ago" or even how I was broken last year and asked how a sudden change can happen "all of a sudden."

*pause* And I assure you this did not happen "all of a sudden". This has been a long real process.

*play*

My desire to do better is often met with in different skepticism and it does make doing what I need to do a little harder.

But I can't let this stop me ya know?

I accept that my past is relevant. I often argued that if you forget your past then you don't know your future. I do believe the past can be (if allowed) prologue. I am not saying that if I made a mistake or hurt somebody it should be swept over. NOT AT ALL. But let me illustrate: A person can not get caught stealing from a friend and a few months later attempt to come around and not offer any apology or restitution. But what if that friend who was caught apologizes and then says that they have given the matter to God and demonstrates this change with faith and good works? Can we really still hold that past over such a person? Could we deny that transformation is real based solely on our anger? Will not their faith and actions prove its own point? Should that person care or even try to persuade us? Surely not! At the same time if a person returns engaged in the same ole type of shenanigans they were before then yes you may have to look at the historical record. In essence what I am saying is that I have reaped what I've sown, I've paid the price and now it is time for me to move forward with my life and my walk as a man of God. As arrogant as it sounds (which is not my intent) I really can't be worried that I didn't atone for every little sin because as I said in the beginning I've made peace with who I needed too, My Lord and Savior, and anything else is kinda pointless.

I think what motivates me in this position is the counsel found a Romans 3:23 in which the Apostle Paul writes "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"; with this wisdom I understand that no matter how bad I've been there are others who have been equally scummy. In this regard I am no different than most people. But it's the Apostle's words in the following verse that lets me know that regardless of how people see my change, this process is real and God approved. Paul goes on to write: "and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came through Christ Jesus." This makes me smile because I understand that in spite of my errors and even in lieu of the (dis)approval of others, my process (grounded in faith) is God approved. As morally praiseworthy as it is to go back and say "Hey I'm sorry" to everybody I hurt it is not morally obligatory. I said I was sorry to who I needed too and with the rest of it I took to God.

Of course grace and forgiveness doesn't give me a free card to go out and commit old sins new ways repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over. Again Paul's counsel is wise in this regard. He tells us: "we are those who died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?" I keep this mind because a major part of this or any shift/ behavior change is the abandonment of ideas and concepts that led to the darkness, the fall and ultimately to the selfish acts which may have hurt others and in fact did hurt others.

The old Terrance is quickly dying off, mortally wounded in a war that should not have been. In his place will rise a man who was broken, but healed, a sinner seeking grace through faith and achieving success everyday.

I can not change what I have done in the past, I can only control what I do now and KNOW that it will impact who I will be in the future...

And that IS and WILL be as a man of God, walking in faith and righteousness...

I sincerely pray that is good enough for you folks...it's good enough for me

And certainly good enough for my Creator (who is forever praised Amen).

In truth and transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-09-2010
4:45pm

Reconstructing Memory: On Accountablity, Avon, and Lies.

"If it's a lie, then we fight on that lie"~Slim Charles.

"I gotta clean up what I messed up"~Canton Spirituals

"If you repeat a lie long enough, it becomes truth."~Joseph Goebbels

Memory Build 2.0
File Upload: Accountability
Begin Memory Sync:

In one of the most compelling scenes in season 3 of "The Wire", Avon Barkdale sits in his office lamenting the death of his best friend and former confidant Stringer Bell. While his reflecting on the course that brought him to that moment, Slim Charles, his chief enforcer, comes into the room to ensure him they will get revenge on Marlo Stanfield, the rival dealer they suspect of taking out Stringer Bell. After listening to Charles guarantee of revenge, Avon informs Slim Charles that Marlo was not responsible, the party responsible could not be dealt with and he did not wish to wage war with Stanfield. While sympathizing with his boss, Slim Charles informs him that once a war is waged it can not be unwaged until there is a victor, even if that war was/is fought on a lie.

While watching that episode this morning I began to reflect, through out my work day, on some of the events of 2009, this time with the rabid emotions gone and my pure intellect now returning to full steam. I begin to do what I do best and review a lot of situations, trying to discern what, if any, of the messes I made needed fixing. Each time I thought, I removed more and more emotion until I had what was left. I am sure we all know the logic axiom: "If you eliminate the impossible what you have left, no matter how improbable, is the truth." The truth, no matter how improbable is this:

Last year I waged a total war based off of a lie, and like the fictional Avon, or the historical Lyndon Johnson, once involved in that war I had no recourse, no out but to continue and to fight.

Wait, was the past nine months REALLY a lie? I'm beginning to believe, in the depths of my soul, yes it was.

It was on a lie....a wonderfully repeated lie.

It was a lie that was a beautiful illusion that gave me a sense of peace I shall forever be grateful for.

Yet as beautiful as the lie was, as peaceful as the illusion, that does not negate the reality that my war had its consequences. Like the Barkdale's on "The Wire" my proverbial empire now lay in ruin, it's glory days behind them. Like President Johnson, I have lost credibility and must work diligently to restore the honor lost from waging a war nobody wanted and had no moral standing. With this realization I got angry, then calm and finally I smiled. I had attained another area of peace and more importantly, I remember a vital component of my memory: Accountability.

Accountability.

Memory Sync in progress.

50% complete. Please wait.

Constructing Accountability Matrix:

With this reconstructing file as well as everything else I've seen, read, heard and THOUGHT about, I must admit I made some mistakes in 2009 on a personal and professional front. While I am not offering blanket absolution NOR am I retconning anything, I will say that I erred in a lot of ways.

From this point of view, then I am rethinking a lot of things, for example a certain rebellion that was waged from the moment I put her on the throne. Did the Ret. General see or know something I didn't? She often said she did. She implored me from Day 5 not to allow myself to be a rebound or give over my emotions because I would never defeat the ghosts before me and I would lose. I dismissed her caution as mere hating, even though it was in line with other members of my council. Like Avon, I ignored a Stringer Bell like warning about beefing over a "territory" I had neither the insight to gain and if I did succeed the muscle to keep. My inability to hear wisdom, to see the pieces beyond my own needs and interpretations lead me to a moment like Avon that I could not back out of and almost brought me to ruin. What further makes me have to stand up and be accountable was I felt in my bones that those assessments might be correct. I ignored intel, intelligence and my gut and lost.

A week or so ago I raised the possibility, in a tongue in cheek/crude humor fashion that after all that has been revealed I really was nothing more than a glorified place holder. While the response was less than diplomatic the answers were more telling, there was no denial just sorta kick rocks response. I accept that as well because as funny as my statement was it was out of place. The fact is there will never been a meeting of the minds on the events of 2009, instead the option by one has been to sweep in under the rug and return to the space that they truly want to be; the other party feel down and took for ever to get back up much to the dismay of everybody. There was little or no accountability present.

I didn't listen in 2008. That mistake lead me into the shitstorm that was 2009. The errors in 2009 almost cost me my life.

I shant make this mistake again.

No more wars.

No more wars based on lies.

Hell no more lies. No matter how beautiful or peaceful. I am too emotionally honest to engage in that kind of behavior.

Like all wars, mine has ended and now I am dealing with the fall out, the emotional scars, the hurt feelings and the friendships ruined or strained. Again, I can't issue a blanket absolution; there were folks who were just fucking bogus to me regardless of if I fought on a lie or not.

But still I need to be accountable for this war and clean up what I've messed up.

My honor demands no less than accountability.

File Uploaded

Memory Sync Completed

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
1-4-2010
5:18pm

A Better Tomorrow: Allies and Agendas.

"I don't demand nothing I don't demand of myself:

Honesty, Loyalty, Friends and then wealth."

~ Jay Z

I started this entry on May 7th 2009. It was supposed to be an entry in The Love Supreme Series, but I put it off, unsure if I was being unfair and letting my pain cloud my judgement.

I worked on it some more in August, (after the fiasco that was my birthday party) as well as really reflecting on what happened, without some of the extra emotions during the LSC and while in the DOF. Actually, it was sparked by something W.Y. said in one of her more, uh "insightful" moments : "So basically you mad they didn't cry and help you chase after ___'s woman." It was a rudeness typical of her, but still made me truly think for a second.

Hell yeah I wanted them to cry and mourn with me. Even more I expected them to follow with or at least join me in the breach. I don't demand nothing of them I wouldn't demand of myself.

Ask The Tech.

Ask C.V.

Ask any one of them would I have rushed to the front lines with or without their request. Ask any one of them would I have not provided an emotional space to heal, regardless of what I personally thought. I don't think I got that in return and I say that will no malice or ill will.

I recently shared a lot of what happened in 2009 with my new Chief of Staff (and my other unofficial editor who was out on maternity leave during the LSC and DOF) and she being the insightful PhD she is pointed out some very interesting facts; She also pointed out some very interesting problematics. For the third time in almost six months I really had to step back and reflect on where I stood with them and they with me.

Central to reflection is the question "Am I being unfair?" I'm sure Ekklektia would argue so. She has often ascertained the roles and responsibilities I ascribed to them were ones that they neither had the skills nor understanding to tackle. In essence, I can't penalize them for a job they didn't know how to do. I have taken this wise council under consideration. Another Familia member has defended that it wasn't their responsibility to assist. I also took this under consideration.

But as I reflect on the whirlwind that was 2009, it is only natural that I look to my primary network of friends, La Familia, and see how they stacked up and assisted during the LSC and subsequent duel. Fair or not it is a necessary evil. While I am always in the midst of self reflection, sometimes I also need to stop and look at the external pieces and see where they fit. It truly makes no sense to review my internal while ignoring my external and vice versa.

But at the same time I am also hesitant. Hearing the above cautions and having lost one friend this year to the madness, I really am/was not keen on the possibility of losing any more. Yet not to look at the entire spectrum would be emotionally and intellectually dishonest, something I vowed I would not be even if it made more people angry. With this solemn truth in mind I began to look at ,with objective eyes, those who are in my inner circle. To this end I designed three questions which weighted heavily on my decision:

1) Are we on the same page in terms of world view, outlooks, and the terms of input and out put in our friendship?

2) During the LSC and subsequent DOF did they stand with me? Did they advocate and fight for me? If yes was it an earnest and serious commitment? Or was it a half assed attempt in order to just say "we tried, but it didn't work" Let me simplify: When my character and motivations were called into question and ultimately challenged did you, in clear and concise language offer a defense, clarification, etc or was the response something along the lines of " you know how he is." "Do you" or "I know girl". Was I defended and advocated for as I would advocate for others?

3) While I acknowledge my emotional well being is my responsibility and priority, the African centered thought stresses the village support and affirmations to those in need. Where you a shoulder to cry on? Was there concern over me? Or when my healing didn't fit your process was I left to my own devices. Simply put: "Regardless of what you thought of my mental state or the genesis did I have your support?"

If I soft peddle this answer then I can say yes, or even excuse the ones where the answer is no.

If I am honest and pure then the answer, as painful as it would be a no. With this comes and even more painful realization.

It is time to walk away from the active friendship and role in La Familia. It is time that I restructure my inner circle to make sure it includes those who would fight with me and for me, those who don't find my intellect a flaw and more importantly those who would provide me with an emotionally safe place should any other life crisis occurs. I can not find that here. Indeed, gone is the familia and replaced with a lovely council of ten, men and women who showed themselves approved during the LSC and DOF.

I am careful in my word usage. I said active friendship(s). I can never stop being a friend. I will never not answer a call or return a text. But in terms of hanging out, confiding in, or even sharing in victories or defeats on a constant basis, that role is not for me. We had a great run. We had a great comeback but now, I need to move on. It's almost not personal.

It's not the easiest of decisions but it is one that has to be made.

It's crazy though, that I spent years wanting it, dreaming about it and when it finally happens I am in a place of discomfort. It's just another causality I suppose in 2009.

As I finally complete this page, I do want to say thank you for all the years and memories. I do want to say that I love you all. I do want to thank you for those moments that will forever make me smile.

I think we're all gonna be better for this. I really do. This like everything else I've done for the past couple of months is in hopes of a Better Tomorrow.

Yall are loved. In spite of it all.

Until all are one.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-13-2009

5:55pm

A Better Tomorrow: Yesterday's Joy, Today's Anger

"I keep forgetting" ~Michael McDonald

Shut up snarky mofo reading this. I have a perfectly good explanation for my post.

I tried to stay away but one of my few remaining friends (who I've discussed the following blog with) told me I need to write to release some built up sadness and anger. Since this anger had been inside of me for lil over a month I figured I had to do something to release it.

I know I said December 30th 2009, but I also realized I had so much to say that my retrospective would have been six pages long. But I've never been concerned with length before and honestly that isn't why I am writing tonight.

Tonight, I am remembering one year ago. I smile. I laugh. I cry. I then try to bury the emotions but they bubble to the surface. My failures and fears explode and I realize some things. I realize:

I am angry.
I am bitter.
I am alone.

With these realizations I also realize that I am utterly clueless.

I have no clue how to move forward. As I sit and reflect upon 2009 I realized my worst fear had come true. I am alone, I am confused, and I have been betrayed, abandoned, forgotten and all those other words.

I have no clue how to move forward from a soul breaking experience, in which I gave my all only to be treated like a...I don't have the words. I did it by the book and in return I was misunderstood, vilified, and banished.

I have no clue how to reconcile with my Familia, who despite their pleas to the contrary, truly did nothing during the Crisis, during my mental break, and even now. I have no idea how to love them back when I believe in my heart they left me and could give two shits about my plight.

I have no clue how to forgive those who profess to love and care for me, yet leave me because I don't act according to their rules, heal their way, or bark at their beckon call.

I have no clue how to restore my honor, which I believe I lost during this time. I didn't mean to beg, I didn't mean to fall down, all I wanted to do is be heard and be given a fair chance. I am angry with myself and with her because I don't think either of us took my emotional and mental health under consideration in the moves we made or didn't make.

I also realize I am hella lonely.

I am lonely as my faith is shattered. I have spent almost 8 months begging for a miracle, asking for a sign, praying to be healed, trying to study his word only to be meet with nothing, a vast emptiness in my soul. I now believe he does not hear me anymore.

I am lonely once I leave work. While I am at work with those kids I am loving it. But at 4:02pm a dread overcomes me, and I remember that I am lonely and angry.

I also realize with being clueless and lonely will come/came bitterness.

I am extremely bitter I am probably the only one carrying scars. I haven't been able to date, smile, believe in love, or any of the joy that comes with that. There was no picking up and moving on for me. There was no new interest or old flame. Hell most of the old flames immediately took great joy in my failing and falling (isn't that right?), so even I wanted to run to a safety net there was none. It was me and Roxi Reynolds. Mostly, I am bitter I no longer believe in unconditional Black love nor do I think I will ever find a wife, esp since the woman who I wanted to be my wife walked away and never looked back. I am bitter that I, like King David, won't get to build a temple. Instead I have to prepare my Solomons for the building work.

I am bitter I poured my heart and soul into my writing only to be ridiculed and clowned; only to be met with scorn and a lack of respect. I admit at times this blog was a love letter and a manifesto but still they were my feelings and they got uberly pissed on.

Man I am just angry and bitter....and that makes me lonely.

I miss my smile. I miss my swag.

I miss my arrogant walk. I miss loving Black love.

I miss my friends. I miss my life.

I miss my respect.

I miss faith.

Exactly one year ago life was absolutely amazing. Things had begun to be on point and turn around for the better. The road had begun....and now a year later that road lies in ruins.

Few Friends
No BFL
No Generals
No (the) Queen

Only a handful of remaining advisers, who seek to help me out of this moment.

Where the fuck did it all go? I don't know.

I just know today I am angry as hell and the only person I can talk to about it is my keyboard, this page and God.

Somehow I don't think none of em gives two shits.

Of course this could be the frustration, anger and sadness because of the day. I don't know.

I just know right now I feel forgotten, abandoned, disrespected and alone.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
11-14-2009
12:01am

Lonely Knight

Silent Knight Lonely

Weary alone on the field

Trying to Survive

Overwhelming odds

Surrounded from every side

There are few allies

Fickle friendships

Concerned only with their needs

Tired I grow here

Overwhelming odds

Surrounded on every side

There are no allies

Silent Knight Lonely

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

10-09-2009

12:01AM

The Duel of Fates: Egos and Super Egos

"A House Divided Against itself can not stand"~President Abraham Lincoln

I was eating alone in the bar the other night when I noticed two brothers sitting behind me one eating coffee and the other drinking vodka. They seemed to be engaged in a most heated conversation I had a chance to overhear...

"You don't look well. What's wrong"

"I'm just frustrated that's all. This shit got me sad, angry and annoyed all at once."

"I understand. But what's done is done. We cant chance the past"

"No but we can be granted a chance at redemption."

"Redemption isn't a right, as the old adage goes, it's a privilege."

"That's bullshit and you know it. Everybody has a right to redeem themselves!"

"Redemption comes from within. Outside acknowledgment isn't a prerequisite."

"So why then do we seek it from Jehovah?"

"I would hardly call the the creator of worlds an outside acknowledgment. I mean God is in you is he not?"

"You and that intellectual coyness. I hate that shit."

"But I am right."

The twin drinking vodka drinks it down in one gulp. He motions to the waitress. She comes over.

"Bring me another, and this time I'd like vodka with my cranberry juice please"

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Nope. There is never enough."

"Isn't that the attitude that got us here?"

"Nope it's that over analytical mind. Had you just spoke up in the beginning"

"It wasn't time."

"Man go on with that mess"

The waitress brings over the vodka...which has a pink hue and some more coffee. The mellow brother thanks her and continues on....

"For the record, it was your emotional outburst that got us here, and for the record it was the old outburst of old that was used as a character reference."

"And it was that insane moral code of yours that told you to reactivate that nut which killed the rest of the credibility."

"A moral code you SHARE by the way. But I'll eat that. Sometimes I do shit when that is morally praise worthy but not morally obligatory"

"Heh. You mean you do extra shit to feel good about yourself at night."

The vodka drinker takes a drink and then lowers his head......

"What is to be done brother?"

"Nothing."

"Don't tell me knowing. You're the smartest guy I know"

"Which is why I said nothing. I've crunched the numbers and ran the plots. We've got to accept this fate"

The the vodka drinker looks up with tears in his eyes and on his face....

"Rule 99"

The other brother shakes his head

"Stay on her mind. If it was only that simple now....I'm mean I'm sure..."

"Why cant it be that simple sir?"

"Let me finish. I'm sure we stay on her mind. She's lying if she says otherwise and you're delusional if we believe that lie. The issue is not on us per se, but on her to look from a different lens."

"Man you talk to much. Seriously. Does she think on it or not."

"I do believe I answered it."

The brother again takes his vodka to the head and suddenly jumps up....

"Fuck this. I'm going to go call her, go over there something..."

The other brother stands up to intercept him. He puts his hand on his chest

"I can not allow you to do this. It was ill advised action like this that put the whole series of events into motion. You do this..."

"Get your hands offa me...."

"You do this and it gets worse. Please. Listen."

The angry brother pushes the calmer one's hand away and sits down...

"You're full of shit"

"No you're drunk and emotional. I need for you to listen. Look we've been fighting each other for almost 6 months. Countries can't withstand a 6 month civil war. Do you think we can? A house divided can not stand. Seriously. It's not a matter of you being right or me being right. It's a matter of what's right. Brother, what's right is for us to accept this. Together we can do what we want. That is what got us to the dance. That perfect blend. But we started fighting over methodology, intellect vs emotion, smooth vs cool. All the shit that didn't matter. We both are the best and we both should have worked together. The minute we started fighting we got depressed and both of us made mistakes. Now it's not our time. I need your skills in other areas. I know it hurts. I'm lonely too. I'm sad too. I feel the injustice too. But I fight through that shit. Right now though, I want to stop fighting with my other half okay?"

The other brother nods in agreement. The rational words seem to have soothed his anger and sadness...

"You're right. It's not fair. There is no justice. I am angry. I am lonely. But I can't force my way it...that would make me like "her." So OK I'll chill...So what's next for us?"

The other brother smiles, beginnings to speak but his words are inaudible. I can't hear him. Wiping their tears away the brothers embrace, pay for the check and leave...

"Sir are you ready to order?"

I look up and the waitress is staring at me.

"I think so."

She chuckles kinda nervously. "I thought you were one of those drunk guys that come in here and fall asleep. I ready to call the police."

I look at my phone and I had been at the table almost 25 minutes with just the coffee and bread on my table. Embarrassed I immediately apologize.

"I am so sorry. I am ready to order. I just got lost in my thoughts".

The waitress smiles. "You looked like you were lost in your thoughts. Whatever it is, I hope you work it out."

"If only it were that simple."

"It is that simple. Do you pray?"

"Sometimes and other times I try"

"Then you need to try harder. Whatever it is that's eating you is killing you. And that pisses the lord off. I ain't gonna preach, but I'll pray for you. Now what you gone eat...."

I smile and order....and remember to pray when my food arrives.

This Duel of Fates has reached its climax....and soon the end.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

9-6-2009

11:30pm

The Duel of Fates: Wilderness Trek

Don't feel like writing much tonight.

I just want to go home.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-2-2009
1:29a

The Sun Of The Mourning Pt.3: Altered Deals and Saving Grace

"Man I gotta get my soul right"~ Jay Z

It's 69 degrees and the wind is blowing perfectly from the east. Each slight breeze is a gentle massage on my skin. Anybody who knows me knows I love weather like this; the perfect 69 degrees reminds me of Nashville and when time was simpler and with a small pang of guilt life in the B.C. era.

I stood in the park enjoying the late night breeze, mediating on the weeks events; completing the meaning and struggling to find balance. Of course this moment towards balance was complicated by the swigs of Effen Black Cherry I was taking. Still the slight buzz and breeze continued to take over my body and relax my tight muscles. I was able to see the world, without time, and attempt to make sense out of my life.

As I stood there humming the lyrics to People Get Ready by Curtis Mayfield, the breeze that had so relaxed me stopped; in its place a gust of heat that seemed to turn this quiet night into a 99 degree day. Without missing a sip I turned and saw him walking towards me, each step a perfect stride, sporting a cream polo, blazer and jeans, and hair faded to the 9's. Par the course, he was the perfect mirror image to my current ragged state. I took another swig of vodka and tried to, as humanly possible, prepare myself for tonight's encounter.

"Good Evening Mr. Thomas" he said in an all to familiar voice, her voice, each step pronounced by the sounds of his feet hitting the pavement.

I don't speak. I take another swig of vodka.

He walks right up and stands next to me.

"The camp of a defeated army. Boy I never get tired of this scene. It's something poetically funny about seeing the hopes and dreams of people so determined smashed into bits don't you agree?"

I still don't respond. Instead I take another sip.

He points at the flask and laughs. "No Seagram's Apple tonight? Man a nigga get a job and now he wanna buy Effen, bougie muthafucka".

I still don't respond.

"Guess who I saw tonight? Heh she was looking good. Smelled good too. He got to be hitting that good and raw. I wonder if he stares with the same intensity..."

He is cut off by my sloppy swing. The first one grazes him, but the second is easily deflected as he blocks my arm and kicks my left leg out.

"Liquid Courage has been the downfall of many men. Don't let it be yours. Now pick yourself up. Somebody walks by and they'll see a drunk man in the grass." He extends his hand to help me up. "Let's play nice tonight Mr. Thomas." Every time he fucking says that I wanna scream but I don't let it show on my face.

Shaking off his punch and struggling for breath I finally speak to him.

"You're interrupting my meditations" I say as I finally take his hand and come to my feet.

"Meditations? Who? You? LOL. Ha Com.e.dy. Mr. Thomas you don't mediate. You brood. If you truly were meditating you would have discerned the answer by now."

"I'm so not in the mood for you."

"Why is that? You deal with strangers on your blog. What makes me different. At least you can see me."

"Can we get to the point? Does my "test" start now?

He laughs and it is a deep soul moving laugh. "No, I've changed my mind. No test for you."

"Interesting and why is that?"

"Simply you're not broken enough. I need you a lil more dilapidated than this."

I make a face and look at him "It doesn't get worse than this."

"Man, you don't know how bad it's going to get".

I walk right up to his face and tell him "Fuck you."

"Oh you mean like..." his words drift off. "You ALWAYS set yourself up for that."

"I heard you're a liar" and I turn and walk away.

He chuckles. "Stop talking to baptists. They'll steer you always steer you wrong."

He is beside me again, moving as if he teleported.

"Look Mr. Thomas, I got a deal for you. A better deal. Even you wont be able to say no to this one".

Sighing frustratedly and in a mocking tone I respond "Do an act of worship to me and all the kingdoms will be mine right?" For the first time in any of our encounters I laugh at HIM. I turn to keep walking.

His face gives away his annoyance. "Even better."

I keep walking.

"What could a man do with a 72 hr advance notice? Better yet Mr. Thomas what would you DO with a 72 hr advance notice" he asks curiously.

My stride slows and then stops. I turn around to face him. I am now feeling the full effects of the vodka and the world is blurry and unstable. The only thing I can see clearly is him.

"I could do miracles and prevent disasters with that kind of head start"

He pulls out his golden apple and takes a bite.

"I know. 72 hrs. That's a big lead"

My feet begin to move and I don't know why; he was away but now in this blurry world he's the only thing that is clear, close and not moving in circles.

"So what are you saying?" I ask my voice no longer strong, the whine I've come to hate returning...

"I am saying to give me what I want and when you wake up it will be April 2nd."

"2009?"

"Yes April 1st 2009. And the only trick will be you will know what is gonna happen...up until April 5. I'm offering you a reboot, a do over, and a cheat sheet"

I try to swallow and the lump in my throat hurts. I take a swig of vodka and there is no more. Did he just offer me a do over? A chance to prevent it all? I pull out BH2, hoping for a sign. My phone is dead.

Smirking he says "Oh I turned that off. I don't want us to be interrupted. What were you looking for Mr. Thomas? A sign? From him? You've done it his way. And what did you get? What have you gotten? Some other man fucking your wife? Ridicule? I'm offering you a fucking do over and you're standing there looking dofus like. Take the fucking deal Terrance. He tilts his head. If not for you do it for the boys." As he finishes his smirk turns into a full smile.

I feel the tears flowing from my eyes, I feel the hurt inside and I feel it all overwhelming me. My chest wants to explode, my head hurts and my right hand is extending.

I do what until that moment is unthinkable. I give him my right hand. I take the apple from him.

He takes my hand and it burns as I grasp his. The pain is a necessary side effect "No tricks?" I ask.

"None. When you open your eyes it will be April 2nd and you'll have all the knowledge you need."

I nod.

"Now you need to kneel".

I feel my legs giving out and my body going heavy. This is wrong, but right, its necessary. I've done it right and got nothing. Why not try him I reason?

Suddenly he turns and looks. His face blazing with anger. He lets my hand go and I notice he expression isn't anger but fear. Something has made afraid.

"We finish this later."

And then he is gone....

I stand in the park unsure of how to feel. He had me. He won. Why did he let me go. What MADE him let me go.

I decide its finally time to go home. I'm standing in the middle of a park on 79th drunk and that is a sure "get your ass locked up" combination.

I stumble across to the bus stop and there is an elderly sister I assume is one of the many hobo's riding the 79th street bus at 3am. I speak politely so she won't think I'm a threat and mess around and mace me or something, thereby making my crazy night worse.

"Good evening ma'am"

She smiles and speaks in a peaceful almost southern tone

"Hi baby." As if she's studying me, she asks "you OK? its to late for you to be out. Your wife is gonna be mad if something happens to you. Ain't nothing out this late but trouble"

"I don't have a wife, not any more at least" I say. Then I add "I'm already in trouble"

She nods "Yeah that's why I screamed for that man you was fighting and arguing with to leave you alone. He looked like he was gonna hurt you"

Now my face is puzzled. "What man?" I ask trying to be coy

"That evil man over there. Had I not said something he surely was gonna hurt you."

Suddenly my buzz is gone. Now I am wondering if ......

She walks up and touches my face. "Mr. Thomas, Mr. Thomas I know this is hard. I know this hurts but it is going to be better. You're not forgotten, disliked, hated and you ARE LOVED and thought about. Do not believe his lies.

She turns and begins to walk away. "Your soul depends on you remembering this. Baby the Duel of Fates is real"

I stand there stunned and in amazement. "Thank you" I say now tearful again.

She smiles. "You're welcome baby. One more thing. Have you discerned how he gets to you? Have you figured out what gives him the in path?"

"Thinking about her?"

"No. Your thoughts are love. He uses that as the red herring. When you discern how he gets to you, then you'll stop leaving him that opening."

She walks away and I lose her in the darkness....

Suddenly my phone buzzes and I get a text message. It's an old message but now it's in my new file.

"Mr. Thomas only Jehovah truly knows."

I shake my head when I realize that I was saved by an angel. I was about to yield and I was had to be saved.

That doesn't make me feel to good.

I go home and go to bed. I hold my young son as I try to make sense of tonight's events and how I was about to, had given in only to be saved. This will fuck with me for a while...this situation will fuck with me for a while. Man I gotta get my soul right...before I mess up my WHOLE life.

I need to figure out his in....

And prepare for the next encounter

The Duel of Fates Rages on.........

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-1-2009
5:30am

The Duel of Fates: The Winds of Change.

"T will all due respect"~[Classified: Security Protocols Activated]

Just got a text message that hurt like hell and kinda got me twisted.

No long blog today. It is a very emotional afternoon that will and can be summed up in a simple question I was asked today:

"Will you be like King Saul, fighting the winds of change, cursing the heavens, being disobedient and seeking the help of the "Star" forever tarnishing your legacy?"

OR

"Will you be like Moses, standing tall, accepting the change, leaving with dignity, decency and enjoying the view of the promise land with your legacy secure?"




Tis the Duel of Fates....

Saul or Moses.....

TLT
8-5-2009
12:40pm

Document THIS Pt.3: Unconfirmed Reports

"See what I had heard"~Inner City Saying

Let's take a walk snarky mofo reading this.....come see the world without time with me.

Circa: 1996
Place: Fisk University Nashville TN
Location: Shane Hall.

We were going to go to a super bowl party thrown by my friend Devin's dad. My date to this lovely event was supposed to be my then girlfriend K.S.W. Well she wasn't exactly my girlfriend, we were in that kind of limbo only the immature and the young get into; where we were doing all the things of a couple, but not taking the label of a couple. Unknown to me she was exploring options while keeping me close, leading me to believe the things we were doing we going to help us work out whatever 19 year old love problems we had. Well the night of the Super Bowl party I go to pick her up and head out. But she wasn't there. She never called. She didn't leave a word. She just stood me up. With my 19 year old brain I opted to instead of keeping it moving, to sit around and wait. I almost missed the party had Devin, being the friend he was not came back to get me.

The next morning she calls me to tell me she went out and stayed with a friend, the second time she had stood me up in like a week or send me off to explore one of her options. Upset, I went over to her dorm room with the intent on giving her the best cussing out my young brain could muster. When I got there, we exchanged typical 19 year old nastiness. I lost the exchange. In a moment of stupid young lion bravado I snatched her car keys and left. I went to the library to read a couple of chapters of Romance of Three Kingdoms, went and bought a comic book from Kroger's and then I went to my dorm room to eat a sandwich. In all, I was gone about 30-45 mins. Suddenly, it was a knock at my door and crazy Mike, a fellow RA, was at my door. He got a call at the front desk from another RA over at Shane that the police we called and en route to me. So again with Leo pride I walked over to the Shane security office, told my side of the story and put my hands on my head ready to be arrested. An older officer clearly sickened by EVERYBODY's antics told me to "take my hands off my dumb ass head" He took the keys out of my pocket and handed them to K.S.W. He then turned to me and said "This is the stupidest reason to ruin your life. There will be better reasons. This ain't one of them (God knows he wasn't lying). He then pointed to K.S.W. and said "young brother this woman stood you up and made you look stupid. She isn't worth your tears. Why would you go to jail on a woman who don't respect you. Respect yourself and not do this over her." He then turned to K.S.W. and said "you need to be careful with these silly games. The next man might not just take your keys." She turned and left. I was held back a little bit until she pulled off and then let go. As I left the office the rumors as only a Black College like Fisk could create has circulated that I beat her and stole her car. In my young hubris I sucked up my notoriety and fame. I did not realize that it would create an urban legend which would come back to hunt me some 13 years later.

I have often reflected on that event, its stupidity of my youth and this one stands out for a number of reasons; my first girlfriend out of my house and my inability to handle a relationship in those close quarters. I mean I had girlfriends in high school, but I didn't see them 24/7 and I didn't have to keep seeing them once school let out esp. after we broke up. I learned I had a obscene fixation with justice. My action wasn't designed to "steal" her car. In fact it should be stated again that I walked around but never set foot in that car. I wanted her to understand inconvenience and selfishness. But most importantly this event earned me the label of "woman beater". Like I said earlier in my youth I thought the "rep" of being a real hard ass that stood up to the po-po's was cool and sexy; what I didn't know was that also attached was the concept that I was a young Ike Turner.

So why am I opening this file now? I mean it's been 13 years and generally anybody with a life couldn't/wouldn't and shouldn't give a shit about a pissant couple from 1996. Well the reason I recanting this story is because this trivial shit came back to bite me in my ass.

If you recall from the first two essays in this series, I discussed how (the) Queen had come up with the ludicrous notion that I was going to hurt her. Well in the aftermath of all the nonsense, pain, growth, hustle, and sadness that was/is, The Love Supreme Crisis, (the) Queen having already dethroned me suddenly hit me with a banning that would have made the old apartheid South Africa government jealous. Suddenly I wasn't the HIT with beautiful eyes but the a poor Rick James mixed with OJ Simpson. After the BFL09 cinco de mayo, although I received an occasional text or blog comment (the) Queen just wouldn't talk, see or unban me.

I've often wondered why she would think I was a demon, a man capable of whupping on her when I wouldn't even kiss her without her permission, use her bathroom without her permission, or even...well never mind all that. Fact is the LAST thing, my depression supreme aside, that I would ever do it hit her or any woman. Well there was one woman I hit but she hit me first and with a bottle. I digress. Fact is I was seen as an animal.

I've often wondered why even with the evidence that I was just a depressed pussy whupped heart broken man that I couldn't get another file review with the new evidence presented. Well I got my wish.

Recently a memo came across my desk that informed me that someone I thought was a friend and supporter of the kingdom had gone to the queen to offer assistance, prayer and help. Mind you all I did was ask for a strengthening prayer. This person whom I wasn't even friends with at Fisk (and come to think of it wasn't cool with K.S.W. either) tells (the)Queen that I beat up my girlfriend, pissed in her plants and otherwise did all sorts of cray rude shit to her. In fact I was asked point blank by my source had I committed such an evil act. I was floored and hurt. So not only was I convinced on incomplete evidence I gotta contend with fabricated, unconfirmed reports? Are you fucking serious? I realize during the height of my depression I made some serious errors in judgment, I might have even looked a bit crazy but damn was it that deep.

The memo went on to clown me for not revealing my past and being dishonest. I was called into question and the validity of my manhood and realness was challenged. In short I was read the riot act.

All because of a stupid urban legend designed to make me look like want gone ape shit. For real? Wow. There was a time, pre Duel of Fates I would have gone on a cussing out spree. But as I try to do things differently, as I try to grow and reconcile contradictions I simply write it off. I will correct the mistakes, because that is a doozy to have on your record and keep it moving. Such it the paradox of being a big emotional negro.

I must admit, moments like this make it so much easier to walk the path of the Star. I mean damn. I realize the past is very important but I also realize, like a man fresh out the joint, that sometimes we just want to be looked at by our present actions. I mean I said it before, the fairest formula is Past Sins vs Present Heroics.

This makes my quest and fight for a fair review all the more intense. I was removed because of a a misunderstanding and banished off of an unconfirmed report. In fairness to (the) Queen, there was a whole lot going on and honestly I was like so close to being a bablling fool. But still with the connection to my mom, BFL09, and Dr. Devin (who by the way was there in that room with me) the truth could have been discerned.

In one of her more candid moments of brilliance, when she wasn't plotting to take over the world, Ret. Gen Yan once quipped "Sometimes people just wanna convict you out of punishment. I mean you piss them off and you gotta pay for that." I think that is the case, and at the root of all this nonsense, this 120 days of suckation with (the) Queen that I pissed her off on a sacred day and now I gotta get my ass whupped. I mean I've done it to others, tis would be arrogant to think it wouldn't happen to me.

*sigh* Indeed, all of this fits right into the Duel of Fates. For what must be reconciled is the love I know that's there, versus the piss offness and disappointment. Indeed, like me the choice of Jehovah (love) or the Star (My pride and her stubbornness) are in mortal combat.

And we gotta lovely unconfirmed report to thank for all the bullshit...this lovely Duel now before us...

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-3-2009
12:01am