“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”
~Friedrich Nietzsche
It’s been no secret that the past four years have helped me develop and grow in ways that I could never have imagined; each year representing a challenge to a segment of my manhood and character. In 2005 I had my whole world shattered and had to rebuild (trial of the spirit), in 2006 I had to deal with the loss of a parent and inherent his throne (trial of leadership), 2007 ushered in a fiscal crisis from which I am just recovering (trial of perseverance) and in 2008 I was forced to serve and give myself in totally to my sons and their well being during a time of death and loss (trial of character) and well as get my physical and mental health in order (trial of the flesh)
My Minister of the Interior told me earlier this year that I should endure as this year would be extra special because this was my 33rd year, and 33 is a number of importance. From the Masonic Order to Christian doctrine 33 is symbol of perfection. Indeed our lord and savior began his work in his 33rd year and it changed the world. I am often told that my time is coming and my mark will be made. I admit I'm a tad bit impatient for this, but I still await that moment and accept its challenge willing. I saw this constantly throughout the year as the previous tests resurfaced in a number of different ways. I had to make decisions which broke hearts, I had to watch the death of the Olive Harvey Black Studies Department, and I had to go to war with someone I should not have had gone to war with. Indeed when the various challenges arose I meet each one head on, successful in some, not so successful in others. Even in the final hours of 2008 I was had two trials before me: one of love and one of arrogance. Regrettably I only passed one. I need to work on that arrogance thing.
Lessons learned. Meanings made. Personality Profile updated and adapted.
2008 wasn't a total loss, and it is not my intent to make it seem like such. There were some victories. I FINALLY got the fatherhood thing down pat, I made peace with my sons mother and we became a great friends, I endured a betrayal by my then S5 (aka Executive Assistant see relationship hierarchy blog for definition) which pushed me as close to the darkness as I had come since Nicole, I got my health and depression under control, lower my blood pressure, lost weight, found a gig and discovered love again. Indeed 2008 was the best of times and the worst of times.
I learned in 2008 that I still hadn't conquered my inability to handle confusion, fear, and losing. I learned I am still impatient and despite my best public persona I am not the Prime Minister Zhuge Liang, I am not James Bond, I am not Malcolm X or anybody else. While those are the ingredients of the “Perfect Terrance Martini” they are not who I am, nor do they truly tell how I came to be. Perhaps in 2009 I will listen to my friend and brother Dre who once told me “Perhaps its time I just became Terrance” It’s something to consider and truly ponder these last few days of 2008.
The most important lesson I learned that however is that I am a great man, an intellectual, a wonderful father, king and worthy of love. I learned I had limitations, I hurt, I cry, mourn. In short, I learned I am human.
Human. Hmmm an interesting concept.
Its one I've learned and earned.
I am simply Terrance.
And this year I grew stronger simply with that revelation..
That is straight, no chaser
TLT
12-27-2008
4:15pm
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
(P.S. As you can see this is the first blog written and posted via the Blackberry. God I love this phone)
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