"I keep forgetting" ~Michael McDonald
Shut up snarky mofo reading this. I have a perfectly good explanation for my post.
I tried to stay away but one of my few remaining friends (who I've discussed the following blog with) told me I need to write to release some built up sadness and anger. Since this anger had been inside of me for lil over a month I figured I had to do something to release it.
I know I said December 30th 2009, but I also realized I had so much to say that my retrospective would have been six pages long. But I've never been concerned with length before and honestly that isn't why I am writing tonight.
Tonight, I am remembering one year ago. I smile. I laugh. I cry. I then try to bury the emotions but they bubble to the surface. My failures and fears explode and I realize some things. I realize:
I am angry.
I am bitter.
I am alone.
With these realizations I also realize that I am utterly clueless.
I have no clue how to move forward. As I sit and reflect upon 2009 I realized my worst fear had come true. I am alone, I am confused, and I have been betrayed, abandoned, forgotten and all those other words.
I have no clue how to move forward from a soul breaking experience, in which I gave my all only to be treated like a...I don't have the words. I did it by the book and in return I was misunderstood, vilified, and banished.
I have no clue how to reconcile with my Familia, who despite their pleas to the contrary, truly did nothing during the Crisis, during my mental break, and even now. I have no idea how to love them back when I believe in my heart they left me and could give two shits about my plight.
I have no clue how to forgive those who profess to love and care for me, yet leave me because I don't act according to their rules, heal their way, or bark at their beckon call.
I have no clue how to restore my honor, which I believe I lost during this time. I didn't mean to beg, I didn't mean to fall down, all I wanted to do is be heard and be given a fair chance. I am angry with myself and with her because I don't think either of us took my emotional and mental health under consideration in the moves we made or didn't make.
I also realize I am hella lonely.
I am lonely as my faith is shattered. I have spent almost 8 months begging for a miracle, asking for a sign, praying to be healed, trying to study his word only to be meet with nothing, a vast emptiness in my soul. I now believe he does not hear me anymore.
I am lonely once I leave work. While I am at work with those kids I am loving it. But at 4:02pm a dread overcomes me, and I remember that I am lonely and angry.
I also realize with being clueless and lonely will come/came bitterness.
I am extremely bitter I am probably the only one carrying scars. I haven't been able to date, smile, believe in love, or any of the joy that comes with that. There was no picking up and moving on for me. There was no new interest or old flame. Hell most of the old flames immediately took great joy in my failing and falling (isn't that right?), so even I wanted to run to a safety net there was none. It was me and Roxi Reynolds. Mostly, I am bitter I no longer believe in unconditional Black love nor do I think I will ever find a wife, esp since the woman who I wanted to be my wife walked away and never looked back. I am bitter that I, like King David, won't get to build a temple. Instead I have to prepare my Solomons for the building work.
I am bitter I poured my heart and soul into my writing only to be ridiculed and clowned; only to be met with scorn and a lack of respect. I admit at times this blog was a love letter and a manifesto but still they were my feelings and they got uberly pissed on.
Man I am just angry and bitter....and that makes me lonely.
I miss my smile. I miss my swag.
I miss my arrogant walk. I miss loving Black love.
I miss my friends. I miss my life.
I miss my respect.
I miss faith.
Exactly one year ago life was absolutely amazing. Things had begun to be on point and turn around for the better. The road had begun....and now a year later that road lies in ruins.
Few Friends
No BFL
No Generals
No (the) Queen
Only a handful of remaining advisers, who seek to help me out of this moment.
Where the fuck did it all go? I don't know.
I just know today I am angry as hell and the only person I can talk to about it is my keyboard, this page and God.
Somehow I don't think none of em gives two shits.
Of course this could be the frustration, anger and sadness because of the day. I don't know.
I just know right now I feel forgotten, abandoned, disrespected and alone.
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
11-14-2009
12:01am
1 comment:
I care.
And I have always cared, always loved you, will always be there for you. Even when I was angry, hurt and pretty much where you are now, I cared enough to come out of that and try to help you. Black love is more than the love between black couples, and in some cases at least, it is unconditional.
But that's not the problem, is it? I understand that when the person you love isn't loving you back, or returning the energy that you are putting out, it can be frustrating to say the least. The fact that other people did not respond the way that you thought they should have doesn't mean they (or God) stopped caring. People do not know how to respond to strong emotions, especially from men. Sometimes, it seems easier to just walk away and let you have your moment. Or to tell you to buck up, it'll be alright. You have a lot of intellectual friends, but not all are therapists, T. Sometimes a word "out of season" or out of place can be just as damaging as saying nothing at all, so many people decide to keep it to themselves.
In the end, no matter who loves or does not love you, the responsibility for your emotions is your own and belongs to no one else. So, regardless of whether or not she is in pain or wearing scars, you have to decide whether or not you will heal. God can only work in your life as He is allowed to. Stop struggling in your mind, and you will see Him move in your life.
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