Weathering the Storm: The Final Moments of 2009.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"~A Tale of Two Cities.

During the best of times I believed that I would have proposed by now, entering 2010 with a future wife. Then the worst of times came and I believed that I would not see 2010. During this time came a fall.

Then a Crisis.

Then a Duel.

Which lead to a search for a Better Tomorrow.

In which I had to reconstruct memory and reconnect with my true self.

And I got up from that fall, to show myself approved, to prove once and forever that now there is NOBODY who can out perform me in a big name match; that I am not the kind of muthafucker you put into the mid-card but rather one you build the company around. I am the main event.

In 2009 I lost a queen, a kingdom, an army and the best tiger general. But yet I survived. I fucking survived. This in turn lead me to understand I need to/and will live life instead of surviving. I get another chance at redemption and to live.

Howard Hughes said it best:
"I wanna thank you God for giving me one more chance to raise my voice and to say amen!"

It's a song I sing every new year. I am grateful for this. Thank you Jehovah indeed.

With this discernment instead of lsmenting a lost love, I am celebrating with like minded people in a space where my strengths are not seen as weaknesses; I am celebrating a renewed sense of purpose, discernment into who TLT really is, and a clear appreciation of my strength, courage and wisdom. Unlike this moment in NYE's past there is no sadness, but a sense of peace..long overdue and excitement over the seeds of hope that I have planted.

2009 I bid you adieu. I took your best and survived.

*outstreches arms*
Let's see what you got 2010.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-31-2009
11:59pm

The Sun of the Mourning Pt 4: The Debts of Winters Past

"Reverse the day and there you are"~Jay Z

"This man had yet to see his final evening /
but, through his folly, little time was left"~Dante's Aligheri

I do not like this time of the year. I've never been apart or understood the Christmas tradition and honestly it makes me kinda depressed.

It is in this spirit that the thoughts about the battles of the past year that occupy my mental; I walk around downtown, solemnly, trying to map out how I will finally/definitely bounce back from this terrible year of failure, heartbreak, abandonment and betrayal.

The cold chills me to the bone as I stand looking at the sights and sounds of Christmas on State street, each gust of the winter hawk is like a needle pricking my soul reminding me of the ultimate irony of this season. Then in my peripheral I see the most beautiful sight, a bright contrast to this cold day; I smile a little smile as I stand in the window and for a moment remember the good times.

Then without warning the winter winds are replaced by a warm breeze and a tingling feeling in my right hand. I don't bother to look up from the window as I already knew what was happening. I almost expected this moment. I am momentarily unnerved by my comfortable familiarity with this and him, but I quickly move past the movement and take the initiative to speak.

"Been a while. How you doing?"

"Ah well you know me." he replies, voice smoothing as it is raspy. " Lots of stuff to do these days. I know that ego of yours can't believe otherwise but there are others in the world that has my attention.."

I admit I smile. If for no other reason he is a quirky bastard.

"I didn't expect to find you out on today." I state quizzically.

"Why?" he asks even more bewildered.

"The time of the year. I mean all the singing and celebration about the birth of Je...."

He raises his hand. "Ah we don't drop the J-word around me. Besides, look around. This holiday has loooong ceased being about 'him' and more about greed and rampant commercialism. Shit, this is the one time of the year I do my best work. You know better than most that suicides and depression are prevalent during the holiday seasons."

"Touche." I remark looking up our eyes finally meeting. I notice, again with a sense of discomfort that there is no stark contrast in our physical appearance this time. We are both dressed sharply, the only difference is he wearing a lovely royal blue shirt and sweater, a black trench coat and dress hat; I am in rocawear from head to toe but equally clean. This time we both are faded up and adored with a glow.

"Damn" he says with a smirk, "you look fucking great!" extending his right hand.

I take it and although it burns, I shake it firmly.

"Appreciate that. I try."

"Of course." He turns back towards that beautiful sigh, the flowers motioning. "Still fighting your war? I can almost respect that. I mean if I had a woman with an ass like that I'd fight too. Wait I have had women with asses like that...."

"I am fighting no war."

"You fight it in your heart. No matter what you construct or de construct you fight this battle in your heart. I told you before you can change the top layer but you are who you are player." He leers forward grinning "I also would like to point out had you taken my help you'd be cuddled up sexy lil thing and not some other man." Letting his voice trail off he finishes "cuddled up with him."

"If she is cuddled up with him it isn't my concern"

"Bullshit and you know it. It haunts the lil sleep you get"

"It's not my concern any longer. I know were I stood during that time. I know my rank. Anything there after is bullshit"

"Ah there it is. TLT insecurity disguised as arrogance. Run that shit elsewhere. I can read hearts remember?"

I look at him nodding slightly, conceding the point without conceding the point.

"Right" he quips rather bluntly.

We stand there for seconds that seem like an eternity and finally he speaks again.

"You're afraid to send them?"

"Yes."

"Why? Doesn't she like lilies?"

"She loves em."

"When was the last time you saw or talked to her?"

"Been a minute."

"Wanna see?"

I turn and look at him but I don't utter a word. I simply make the 'be real' face.

"Seriously, you should see. Man she looks fucking great. You know he's pounding that raw dog. That gotta fuck with you right here" He moves to touch my temple to empathize his point but I knock his hand down while moving back and feel like I just slapped my hand on solid steel.

"Don't start. I said no." I reply, trying to keep my courage up.

Laughing he points out "I would like to remind you that people don't take kindly to folks air boxing in downtown Chicago. I would strongly urge you to chill out..." his words trailing off as a foot patrolman turns the corner eye balling me. I pay it no mind and continue to look down.

He urges again. "Send the flowers. I mean how can he get mad. He got the woman, the pussy, the kingdom. Surely a few dozen lilies from a 'rebuilding' ex won't start a war will it?" he asks with a smirk.

Nodding in agreement and overcome with a sense of 'fuck it' I walk into the store; I notice he tries to stop me; his is speaking in a voice almost that almost is hissing and sounding like crushed glass.

"NO. WAIT! Not that one." He reaches for me but I am just outside his grasp as I walk inside.

I walk into the flower shop but he doesn't follow; His eyes are showing signs of anger and pain; it pains him to look in here. That's when I notice the store is adored with quotes and passages from the bible on the flowers about spiritual warfare.

A middle aged sister comes to the register as I pick up three dozen lilies and bring to the counter.

I smile at her, but she doesn't smile back. She looks at me with the saddest eyes.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Excuse me"

"This." Pointing at the flowers "Why are you sending these? Is this an act of love or are you trying to satisfy your own ego"

"Huh?"

"Don't play dumb Mr. Thomas. It doesn't suit you. I ask again. Why are you sending these?"

I stand there and realize this is similar to the night in the park. Somebody is stepping in on my behalf. Unlike the night in the park I listen but am also shamed. Lowering my head I reply "because I miss her and want her to know she isn't forgotten, even if I am."

"Raise your head my child"

I look up fighting back tears and speak.

"None of what happened was fair. I got screwed."

"Everything that has happened was by his will and your actions. It is as it was meant to be."

"So it was his will I die emotionally?" I ask now in full rage

"Such hyperbole. I think you're stronger now. Maybe then wasn't your time. I merely want you to have faith and discernment. Don't allow that fool outside my window making faces to pervert your love and manipulate your pride. Its time to stop entertaining him. Now I ask again: Why? Ponder for a moment before you answer. Let me be blunt though, I will not allow you to compound this tragedy by letting your ego guide your decisions. Now again I ask why?"

Closing my eyes and removing my ego I think for a moment, a moment in which there is peace. Finally I answer her question.

" I want her to know she's missed and loved. Nothing more or less."

She stares before she answers. "I believe you. I'll send them. May Jah bless this effort."

"Thank you." I turn to walk away.

"Mr. Thomas, remember that night in the park. Remember the warning. He will hurt you. By fighting at all you lost, and will lose more."

I walk out.

As I exit he is looking at me full of disgust and asks "Was the productive?"

"Yes it was in fact."

He stands there for another moment that seems like an eternity, then he finally speaks.

"Walk with me"

"I'd rather not"

"I don't give a fuck. I'm not asking."

It hits me that for the first time since he appeared to me almost a year ago, his smugness is gone. He seems..desperate. But for what I am unable to discern. I just know I'm the confident one and he's the nervous one. I try to block my thoughts before he can read them but to no avail.

"Don't get cocky boy. I remember when this summer you were a whining bitch crying for her while she was off fucking someone else. Don't you dare get arrogant with me". He raises his hand and motions for a cab. As one pulls up to the curb, I notice the tint on the windows but cant make out who's driving. It's as if the world has gone blurry, even him, the one thing I used to see clearly. As I scan the block the only thing clean now is the flower shop.

"Get in" he says as he motions to the car.

I step into the cab, unsure of what will come next, but cautious because I keep hearing that voice in my head that will tell me "he will hurt you." I drown it own though, because I am curious. He intrigues me. He always does.

He gets into the car and slams the door. That's when I notice his smooth, swagger filled look is gone and now he looks like I did when we first met. Or was it that night in the back yard. I can't remember. I just know something has changed. He looks raggedy and tired as hell.

Speaking forcefully he asks "Look, I can't believe you're going to sit here and take this shit, like some chump. You were robbed, you were cheated, the lesser man is fucking your wife and you're going to take it?"

Leaning, back with all the confidence in the world I answer: "I would love to fight back but what will be will be. I can't go back to that. I'm reconstru..."

"Bullshit!" he yells his words cutting me off. "All I need is an act of worship, one little act, and you'll be there, April 2nd and you can prevent this. " Extending his hand to me he says "don't regret this moment. For once be a man."

My right hand burns, and I am reminded of how close I came. Shaking my head no, I look at him and smile. I remember a line she once told me, something that has gave me a sense of peace in the flower shop and has helped me reconstruct and move forward. I speak these words to him "when things where good you made me feel better than the best feeling."

He rolls his eyes in frustration and sighs.

"Fair enough."

"Can I go now?"

"Sure. At least be a man and shake my hand"

In my heart I know this a bad idea, but I cant help myself. My honor demands I shake his hand and I do. Like that night in the park it burns. He smiles, his eyes dancing with fire, and as his swagger returns he leans close to me, not releasing my hand and he speaks in her voice.

"Mr. Thomas?"

Unnerved and trying not to show it I answer "Yes?"

"You OWE me a test...."

As I try to pull away I fall unconscious, his laughter and the words "sleep" the last thing I hear.

I awaken pulled over on the side of the road. I can't see outside the windows, and my phone is flashing with a message. I open and begin reading with his voice in my head.

TLT,
I offered you a chance to reclaim that which you couldn't keep and all you had to do was bow down and give me an act of worship. I offered you something you can never have on your own and you rejected it and for what? Him? His promises? Where was he when you were on your knees. Did he try to help?

It doesn't matter now. You may not have agreed to my offer but you did agree that night to the test. I think now I shall collect. Survive the night and you are free to go. Fail, and you'll learn Inferno isn't just a book you like.

See ya soon
~Star

To my horror I realize he was right. I had agreed to his test during our first encounter, and now he had me.

My test had begun.

To Be Continued.......

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-24-2009
9:30pm

Reconstructing Memory: The Heart of a Champion

"Nobody can out perform him in big name matches"~Jim Ross

Memory Build 1.0
File Upload: Resiliency/Tenacity
Begin Memory Sync:

The other night I had the wonderful experience of watching classic WWE(F) matches with my heirs and bonding over the golden time in pro wrestling known as the Monday Wars. Without getting into the whole back story this was an exciting time for the business as three companies: WWE(F), WCW, and ECW battled for supremacy in/on their respective Monday night programs. During this throw back moment I got a chance to see my favorite wrestler in action: "The Heartbreak Kid" (HBK) Shawn Michaels. Now most people make the mistake and think my favorite wrestler is either Ric Flair, The Rock or even Kevin Nash. Those are all performers I enjoy (in that order), but none of them compares to HBK.

If you haven't discerned by now I am a HUGE fan of professional wrestling. The emotions and actual matches are a beautiful melody that only well a guy like me can enjoy. There something about the story lines and the performances by the wrestlers that I find enjoyable and at times (in a case of life and art imitating each other) I find some real life lessons.

With this said, there is nobody, in this author's humble opinion, better than good ole HBK. From the ladder match at Wrestlemania 10, to the Iron Man Match at Wrestlemania 12 to the most recent match at Wrestlemania 25, HBK has never failed to perform. I don't think he has ever had a bad match. In fact so strong is his dedication to not be out performed lead Jim Ross to remark that "Nobody can outperform him (HBK) in big name matches." Yeah, even thinking about HBK makes me smile.

My affinity for HBK goes deeper than his in ring performance however. Shawn Michaels is impressive to me because he has overcome some much in his personal life. He has been a lighting rod of controversy such to a point he once remarked "I knew there were a lot of stories out there about me but I didn't know that so many weren't true." HBK has been through it all and he has remained resilient through these challenges. From his battles with pain killer addiction, back stage politics, womanizing, as well as a near career ending back injury to his subsequent conversion to Christianity and character redemption has shaped him into a leader among his peers. Consider his performance at Wrestlemania 14 that illustrates his heart and soul. This event is widely acceptable as the one where he showed his true character, wrestling with a severe back injury yet, doing his part to ensure the company moved forward. I know for me it was the event were I truly began to appreciate his greatness. During the match you can literally see his face grimace in pain, yet he still performed at his best. Indeed, if there is any performer that shows he is a Soul Survivor it is Shawn Michaels.

Soul.Survivor.

Memory Sync in progress.

50% complete. Please wait.

Constructing Soul Survivor Matrix:

Soul Survivor. She called me that once. Ekklettia called me that. She said I had more lives than a cat. In fact just about everybody I know talks about my resilience. The very qualities I love in HBK are qualities I embody. There is no quit in me, there is no surrender. I will not stay down long. I will not lose, even if I lose.

Somehow, somewhere, during my "war' this year I forgot this basic truth. I have something called heart. Or guts. Or intestinal fortitude. While I will not absolve those who left me behind, I will say I can understand their confusion. They didn't know how to respond to the man with more heart than anybody they knew, who will not be out performed well being out perfomed. While their response is/was flawed, I do understand their confusion.

Hell I am confused by it myself.

But the fact of the matter is sitting here with my sons allowed me to remember, the first file in reconstructing and reconnecting with my historical memory. I am a fucking Survivor. I am a Soul Survivor and I don't lie down for anyone or anything.

The LSC and DOF was my Wrestlemania 14. It was the moment where I had to do what I had to do, even though I was hurt, tired, confused, and left behind. It was my moment to put on a big name match. It was my moment to become immortal.

History will ultimately decide if I meet these moments. As I upload this file, I am reminded about this quality as a Soul Survivor.

As 2009 draws to a close and I stagger to my feet, flexing and smiling I am remembering that TLT doesn't give up.

I am a Soul Survivor.

2010 will (re-)affirm this. It will be mine. I will shine once again.

And like my favorite wrestler I will be back, better than ever.

File Uploaded

Memory Sync Completed

Straight, No Chaser,

TLT

12-13-2009

11:00pm

A Better Tomorrow: Allies and Agendas.

"I don't demand nothing I don't demand of myself:

Honesty, Loyalty, Friends and then wealth."

~ Jay Z

I started this entry on May 7th 2009. It was supposed to be an entry in The Love Supreme Series, but I put it off, unsure if I was being unfair and letting my pain cloud my judgement.

I worked on it some more in August, (after the fiasco that was my birthday party) as well as really reflecting on what happened, without some of the extra emotions during the LSC and while in the DOF. Actually, it was sparked by something W.Y. said in one of her more, uh "insightful" moments : "So basically you mad they didn't cry and help you chase after ___'s woman." It was a rudeness typical of her, but still made me truly think for a second.

Hell yeah I wanted them to cry and mourn with me. Even more I expected them to follow with or at least join me in the breach. I don't demand nothing of them I wouldn't demand of myself.

Ask The Tech.

Ask C.V.

Ask any one of them would I have rushed to the front lines with or without their request. Ask any one of them would I have not provided an emotional space to heal, regardless of what I personally thought. I don't think I got that in return and I say that will no malice or ill will.

I recently shared a lot of what happened in 2009 with my new Chief of Staff (and my other unofficial editor who was out on maternity leave during the LSC and DOF) and she being the insightful PhD she is pointed out some very interesting facts; She also pointed out some very interesting problematics. For the third time in almost six months I really had to step back and reflect on where I stood with them and they with me.

Central to reflection is the question "Am I being unfair?" I'm sure Ekklektia would argue so. She has often ascertained the roles and responsibilities I ascribed to them were ones that they neither had the skills nor understanding to tackle. In essence, I can't penalize them for a job they didn't know how to do. I have taken this wise council under consideration. Another Familia member has defended that it wasn't their responsibility to assist. I also took this under consideration.

But as I reflect on the whirlwind that was 2009, it is only natural that I look to my primary network of friends, La Familia, and see how they stacked up and assisted during the LSC and subsequent duel. Fair or not it is a necessary evil. While I am always in the midst of self reflection, sometimes I also need to stop and look at the external pieces and see where they fit. It truly makes no sense to review my internal while ignoring my external and vice versa.

But at the same time I am also hesitant. Hearing the above cautions and having lost one friend this year to the madness, I really am/was not keen on the possibility of losing any more. Yet not to look at the entire spectrum would be emotionally and intellectually dishonest, something I vowed I would not be even if it made more people angry. With this solemn truth in mind I began to look at ,with objective eyes, those who are in my inner circle. To this end I designed three questions which weighted heavily on my decision:

1) Are we on the same page in terms of world view, outlooks, and the terms of input and out put in our friendship?

2) During the LSC and subsequent DOF did they stand with me? Did they advocate and fight for me? If yes was it an earnest and serious commitment? Or was it a half assed attempt in order to just say "we tried, but it didn't work" Let me simplify: When my character and motivations were called into question and ultimately challenged did you, in clear and concise language offer a defense, clarification, etc or was the response something along the lines of " you know how he is." "Do you" or "I know girl". Was I defended and advocated for as I would advocate for others?

3) While I acknowledge my emotional well being is my responsibility and priority, the African centered thought stresses the village support and affirmations to those in need. Where you a shoulder to cry on? Was there concern over me? Or when my healing didn't fit your process was I left to my own devices. Simply put: "Regardless of what you thought of my mental state or the genesis did I have your support?"

If I soft peddle this answer then I can say yes, or even excuse the ones where the answer is no.

If I am honest and pure then the answer, as painful as it would be a no. With this comes and even more painful realization.

It is time to walk away from the active friendship and role in La Familia. It is time that I restructure my inner circle to make sure it includes those who would fight with me and for me, those who don't find my intellect a flaw and more importantly those who would provide me with an emotionally safe place should any other life crisis occurs. I can not find that here. Indeed, gone is the familia and replaced with a lovely council of ten, men and women who showed themselves approved during the LSC and DOF.

I am careful in my word usage. I said active friendship(s). I can never stop being a friend. I will never not answer a call or return a text. But in terms of hanging out, confiding in, or even sharing in victories or defeats on a constant basis, that role is not for me. We had a great run. We had a great comeback but now, I need to move on. It's almost not personal.

It's not the easiest of decisions but it is one that has to be made.

It's crazy though, that I spent years wanting it, dreaming about it and when it finally happens I am in a place of discomfort. It's just another causality I suppose in 2009.

As I finally complete this page, I do want to say thank you for all the years and memories. I do want to say that I love you all. I do want to thank you for those moments that will forever make me smile.

I think we're all gonna be better for this. I really do. This like everything else I've done for the past couple of months is in hopes of a Better Tomorrow.

Yall are loved. In spite of it all.

Until all are one.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-13-2009

5:55pm

A Better Tomorrow: Until All Are One.

"Now in the game where only time will tell, survived the droughts I wish you well. Survive the droughts, I wish you well. How sick am I? I wish health. I wish you wheels. I wish you wealth. I wish you insight so you can see for yourself."~Jay Z

"All good things they say never last." ~Prince

Happy Holidays to all,

Take a walk with me...

When I sat down to write my first piece on Blackplanet discussing how becoming a member of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc. made me feel, I had no idea almost eight years later I would have become a budding author who had the power of the pen just as I had the power of the tongue. When I wrote that rough piece, I didn't think that the concept of blogging would ever be something I did or got into(even though in fairness blogging wasn't a big thing back then). All I was trying to do was convey my feelings to the world; I wanted my non Greek friends to understand and appreciate the sincerity and dedication of me becoming a man of Sigma.

I noticed that I like writing and while I didn't do it often, I did it enough and every now and then I put out some gems, yet I was still no where near the man I would become. Those joints were rough.

When the period of my life dubbed "The Long Night" began I wrote to help me through that. I didn't put any of that stuff I wrote on the net, but instead inside a notebook I have to this day. I really didn't have discernment nor tack back then and honestly I was afraid of what others might think of me. My fear of shame kept me from posting what was on my heart and head. However, writing helped me through that chaotic times and served as a therapeutic outlet.

I got through that and time marched on. I moved into a new phase of my life. Thanks to Myspace and their blog function, I was able to begin to write about some of the complications of "The Second Renaissance" in early 2006. This was the moment in time where I finally decided to be more than The Emperor's student but rather forge my own way in life, love and my career. I blogged a lot during that time; in fact a lot of my fans on this site feel in love with my writing then. Regrettably, I took down those blogs to appease a friend who felt I shared to much of our business in my writings. This regret is compounded when I lost the disk drive the files were stored on. I resolved never to allow myself to be edited or censored like that again.

It was not until I watched my father die in late 2006 that my writing truly developed and evolved. I was able to channel the pain and frustration of "A Death in the Family" into some powerful pieces, sadly these were lost when I deleted the aforementioned Myspace account without saving them. Only one of the original entries from that series entitled "Sins of the Father" remain. Even with that, I credit my time on Myspace with teaching me how to channel my words and make the blog cry, when I could not or would not.

Throughout 2007 and 2008 I often wrote about my personal challenges as well as political observations. I talked about returning to Black Studies and for the first time in my life outlined what I wanted in a woman. I even wrote a couple of political pieces dealing with the meteoric rise of Barack Obama en route to the Presidency and the how the initial reluctance of the Black middle class irked me to no end. This piece made me, for a moment, an internet sensation. It also affirmed to me that I have a gift for deep scholarly thought as Mr. Allen (The Emperor) had so often spoke of. Conversely, if the Obama piece made me a sensation in the political realm the equally infamous "Relationship Hierarchy for Black Folks" gave me a name in the relationship boards and on spots like Black Planet. The success of these two pieces caused me to become a pseudo celebrity and but also showed me I was a well rounded brother.

Throughout 2008, I spoke of my challenges like Wei Yan's defection and helping my sons readjust. But in my opinion, it wasn't until October of 2008 when I finally connected with (the)Queen that I truly blossomed as a writer. Without going into details of this, as many of you have been on board during that journey, I finally understood life, love, writing as well as the power of life and death in pen. I don't want to be misleading or coy with words, I was already a damn good writer. This moment just provided me with the clarity and motivation to see how it called connected which made me rise in skills.

By now you're asking "where the hell are you going with this?"

I've gone over my writing "career" to let you know how much your support over the past seven years has meant to me. I thank you for allowing my to share my world with you, to heal, to laugh, to cry. In fact, you all had insight to what probably the world's longest love letter the "Love Supreme" and "Duel of Fates" series. I will admit that at times I used to this blog to speak to her, I am not sure she heard but I felt the pen would succeed were my words and times actions had not. You had through this blog, a window into my soul as I tried to regain a piece of Eden and the one component I feel/felt would make my dynasty complete. It made many people angry, it made many more cry; I am sure she has mixed feelings about my writing but it must be stated with no hyperbole that without this blog I would have not made it. I needed this outlet. I needed the banter and exchange of ideas this blog brought.

I also retraced my history prepare you for what comes next. In January 2010, after the Zeta Phi Beta annual tribute I will be retiring the blog. While I will not delete it out of respect for those who have supported me and would like to read some of the classics, I will not post anything new.

I think this is best as I continue to heal, reconnect and reconstruct my historical memory and try to grow. I need to go do some other things, maybe finally write my book, something. I don't think I can or should spend any more time writing about my heartache. Right now I just don't have anything new to talk about and I promised myself that if Straight, No Chaser ever lost its balance I needed to hang it up. If we really want to be honest and frank, this decision about 5 months late. I appreciate the gems I dropped, even the "morbid" ones, I am happy for the lessons learned and meanings made, truly. But I want Straight, No Chaser to regain that balance and until I regain it, if I ever regain it, then its time I walk away.

I laugh at this one dimensional style my blog has taken because I remember in one of our more intimate playful moments, (the)Queen remarked on my reduced writing (as she is/was a ardent supporter) and said "You can only write when you're sad or upset. I'm quit you to make sure you keep writing." and giggle. Little did we know that horrible moment would be fall us one month later and I haven't stopped writing since. But my shit's gotten redundant. As an intellectual and creative mind I cant have that.

I need to step back. I need that balance back.

But until that day, if that day ever comes, I am retired.

Please understand. I appreciate and thank you all.

Wishing you the best in 2010,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-5-2009
12:01am

Of Mice and Men: The Seeds of Hope and the Journey of 2009

"Never stop fighting till the fight is done."
~Elliot Ness

2009-A year I will long remember.

I had planned on proposing on New Year's Eve. I was going to do it right before the BFL toast (or whatever toast we would be having). I had every intention of starting 2010 with her as my fiance and my family life finally together.

I had begun saving for a ring. I was thinking of wedding concepts so when it came time for her to plan the wedding I wouldn't be the typical male bump on the log.

Of course as you are undoubtedly aware, those dreams were smashed to pieces in perfect storm of depression, stubbornness, mis-communication, and angst that was the LSC (and by extension the DOF), which has the dubious honor of being the darkest and most unjust time of my lfe.

Subsequently, during the months that followed and the accompanying emotions I had made the decision not to suffer any more setbacks or let downs. So depressed and heartbroken was I that it was not outside the sphere of reality for me to have made the ridiculous and equally selfish decision to commit the ultimate act of surrender. Thankfully most of despair passed and I scrapped those plans. I give credit to Jehovah for not leaving me when my faith seems to give out. That more than anything is the reason why I know I was able to scrap those plans.

Before I did understand the saying "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."

Trust me I understand it now.

Even as I publish this retrospective of 2009, this piece you are reading is not what I planned. I had written something harsh, a tome to let the world know how badly I was hurt and let down by the various people whom I love(d) so dearly. It was a beautifully written lamentation of the dark year of my life. Yeah I was gonna make this blog cry as I so love to say.

However, I refuse to end 2009 like that. I will not end with the blogspot's version of Tupac's "Machiavelli" album; a well written, creatively sound, but extremely disturbed piece of work.

There is no question I lost in a major way this year. Anybody who can't discern that or questions that or even disagrees with this assessment needs their head checked. It is also a known fact I need to take time and rebuild. This is why recreating my historical memory is essential to my healing.

But at the same time I have learned so much, endured so much, survived so much and gained so much in 2009; despite my soul breaking losses I did eventually make it to one knee and I did begin my process of getting back on my feet. That in itself is a blessing. It also proves my assertion that when it matters I'm a solider. I will never surrender, quit or give in....even when I think I'm going to.

I realize even in the shadow of those losses there are rays of bright light that shine through. I FINALLY have the career I want. I have honed my skills as a writer. My new inner circle will now be full of people who share similar world views and aspirations, as well as my victories and struggles. MOST importantly I am blessed with loving, intelligent, wonderful, awe inspiring sons. Their existence continues to fill me with energy and provide me with the seeds of hope.

With those seeds of hope I know, if for no other reason that after this year I can only go up; I eagerly await the harvest of 2010. If my dream and castle burned, then out of those ashes will arise a man, stronger than anything ever seen, more focused and determined.

I will never again lose like I did this year. There is NO Greater weapon than a prepared mind. Believe you and me, I am preparing my mind.

Thank you for taking this journey with me blogspot and snarky mofo reading this.

Until all are one and restored.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-2-2009
9:10pm