The Duel of Fates: Mental Vertigo

*Sigh* It's raining again......

And the rain accompanied me on my morning drive...even as I cried.

I think I cried. It feels more like a vertigo...like my mind is swirling.

A.P. said I should be exhausted. I probably am and ignoring it.

I'm dizzy. I guess 8 hrs of sleep in 72 hours will do that. Even if you remove the Batman equation I have seen, heard, and discussed enough to deny any man rest. I do believe it is safe to say I am "deliriously exhausted".

I should be home again sleeping. I've canceled most of participants post tests. I really cant listen to whining of snarky teenagers who don't want to work. Conversely I am sure they don't want to deal with a grouchy old man whose pissed he cant get his woman back, who's sons are irking him to death and whose job is acting reeeeaaalll slow.

Of course I can't sleep. I have an interview in a hour and a half. I am so unprepared. I am wondering how many redbulls I am going to have to suck down to get up to 40%.

Walking down the hall to my office is errie. It seems like the door keeps moving out of reach. All of my co-workers seem extra today and they wont shut that fucking FM radio off. Is this love song morning? What the hell?

Did I say I'm dizzy?

One of my more adoring and adorable co workers ask me if I have been crying. Damn, I think the swag shades would hide this. I tell her more than any normal person should and smile.

Four site visits this afternoon. I'll end my day in the field.

Phone rings. Oh joy more love advice.

I swear the next *points at you all* mofo that asks me if "she is mourning like you; if her life is unhappy like you are" will be kicked in the chest, choked with a plastic bag or have your identity stolen. Maybe all three. Her response doesn't invalidate my emotion.

Oh and I'm praying my son's school doesn't call again.

Is this Friday blues? Who the fuck has Friday blues?

I miss my Batman game......that makes me happy :D

Last night my mother told me to stop blogging for two months. I told her it's my only outlet.

She said write Jehovah a letter.

I'll do that too.....

Dear Jehovah:

You know I don't want to be sad over this
or angry
or hurt
or frustrated

I damn sure don't wanna piss off ANYBODY ELSE...from her to Yan to BFL

But how can I do that and keep emotional integrity?

Please advise

Thanks,

Trying to be your loyal servant in Jesus' name
TLT

I need to get up and head to this interview...my legs don't work...

My hands stopped too....I guess they are tired of the keyboard.

And please don't let my son's school call today. Those ignant coons will get it

And so will he.

I've been a on Burger King kick...shit's so not healthy but that's all I want.

Ugh...it's still raining...

I'm dizzy...

But I want this new job....so I'm suck down some espresso AND redbull...wash my face and go get my shit.

then afterwards I'll find a parking lot, crawl in the back of the van and sleep...

Then come back....and listen to the kids whine.....

and uh....hmmm ramble over.


Straight No Chaser
TLT
8-28-2009
11:45am

Hump Day Blues......

It's Hump Day.

I have the blues.

It's raining.

My work contract still hasn't been renewed.

The Joker keeps mocking me on that game

Oh and did I mention it's raining?

I've come to hate the rain now

It used to be a sign of beautiful things

But now each drop serves as a reminder of this battle...this...on.going.struggle.to.be.heard

Fairly...

The Joker keeps mocking me cause I cant find Dr.Young. Sick bastard.

The stress of not knowing if I will be kept or not.

Why cant people, personal and professional, answer in a timely manner.

Bills wont wait till September 30th

And it won't stop raining.

Mother nature is an evil bitch. She probably laughs too...

Did I mention my blog was a source of contention

Got an email from an upset ex...whatever..not woman, tired of my words.

Yet my words keep the bottle out of my hand; keep my eyes dry

Oh that's right TLT aint supposed to be hurt.

I guess my words bring the pain that is difficult

Or repressed

or complex

Or intense

or passionate

Or ignored

to the surface.

Cute.

But since the night, all I've had was this pen...

it frees my mind...keeps "him" away and the voices silent.

The pen..got me through the Night when Nicole broke up our potential family for a high school love

The pen...got me through the confusion of the Second Renaissance when Soror/Sage had enough

and had to move on...while I healed

The pen...is getting me through the crisis when the one I so love

doesn't think so

or understand so

or believe so

The pen is with me on the ocean, in those lonely nights, when voices are there...

And I am half crazy....

The pen has helped my broken wings, become Beautiful wings...

even when I gotta fill out my prescription....

The pen reminds me when I forget

We're not in love anymore..

Or we're not speaking on it.

The pen has helped me with Generals

Who rebel

Who are hurt

Who can't heal

and rightfully so.....

The Pen encourages me to fight even as I tell others not to fight

Or when people tell me my fight is fruitless...

or to leave her/it/that alone

that all under heaven can't be obtained

to

But the pen is stronger than the sword..

It protects my heart from the cold world

The pen keeps me from ninja kicking my boss

When he talks out of body at me like I am 5

And comforts me as I weep at night

Ooops I said cry. The Prime Minister doesn't weep

But TLT does

And hard

And ugly

I want to weep now

But can't weep in front of CHA kids

I'll lose their respect

Or maybe earn more

At least it stopped raining.

But I shouldn't hate the rain.

Ruffin said rain drops will hide my teardrops

Then maybe I should go outside and cry

And Scream and Shout

And ask Jehovah for help...

But no I pick up the Pen...

And I write, as I have always done

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-26-2009
9:56am

*posted at 3:03pm...thanks rough day*