A Love Supreme Pt. 2: Voices

"I hear voices in my head, they come to me, they understand...they talk to me" ~Randy Orton

"The lonely loner seems to free his mind at night"~Kid Cudi

"Sometimes It feels like Everything Is passin' me by... My ship has gone and sailed away" ~K Jon

I am not sure if I was sleep or awake. It all seemed so real. I believe the term is lucid (thanks Dre). I was washing dishes, singing to myself and I heard a familiar voice, one that I have come to love and adore asking me "Are you OK Mr. Thomas?" I turn around and see her standing there..locs back and smiling. I hear the boys in the room playing. I move to touch her and nothing happens.

Phone beeps. An email. I hear the young sun say my name. I respond.

Nothing. Phone buzzes. I pick it hoping for the best. Unknown Caller.

Not quite a nightmare. A lucid dream. A few steps from a nightmare.

Night 6. I've eaten, I'm out of vodka and like that Lenny Williams song where he "Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh" for about 6 minutes I'm tired of my video games and books. I cant stand the radio, because it seems all they banter about is that dumb ass Steve Harvey book or remedial concepts on love.

God I'd kill for some vodka.

I got up out of my bed and walked to the bathroom. My mother was on the computer doing her bible study when she asked "another nightmare". I told her no, that the nightmares haven't returned and she said nodded in approval. She asked me to come listen to a talk by one of the Brothers at the Hall on relationships. It is a good talk. I'll use some of it in a later blog.

I realize at this point I am not "heartbroken". I am not "crushed" but rather sad and disappointed. I am sad and disappointed that it wouldn't click or rather we lacked discernment to make it click. I'm disappointed that I still struggle with arrogance and intellectual coyness.

I AM worried and nervous; worried that I am already forgotten and nervous that I will never get that chance again. I know in my heart this is what I want but honestly the days of uber depression are gone, well gone when it comes to matters of the heart. Yeah I may sleep a few days to clear my head, maybe mope but nobody else will send me to the hospital. This revelation makes me smile.

Yet, I hear voices...I kept hearing "Mr. Thomas" and it does make me long. It does make me want to hug her and look at her. I miss our banter, our convo. I realize its just been a week or so, but when you have someone like that...their divine presence is easily missed. I keep hearing the laughter of children.

I also hear voices..telling me that this was too hard and the simple solution, the easiest solution is to forget about the past six months and return to a place of comfort. A seductive offer, but while it may be the quicker path, it is not the best path.

I keep hearing voices that tell me that not to worry. Every great dynamic had its bumps. Even Michelle had to call Barack to the fire; its arrogant to think I would be different.

Voices...They come to me...they understand...

I am lonely right now and I believe that is complicating matters. Well I have chosen isolation because I hate platitudes. I hate the other fish in the sea speech. I hate the it will get better speech. I hate keep your head up etc all from people hugged up and giddy.

In a sense I lost my best friend or rather am distanced from it and it hurts ya know. I was able to think..well about everything except us. Things were clear...except with us...friggin irony and well...I miss playing in her locs.

In a way I thank Jah for the other challenges: my suns school situation, me trying to build the resources to move, AUSL, all that. It keeps me focused. But in the moments between moments I realize that I am missing that piece.

Yeah K Jon I am out there on the ocean....and I cant swim. Ain't that a bitch.

Who gets up at three am and thinks of shit like this. A Lonely loner.

Its funny those songs would play first on my computer. They describe it too a "T".

I pull up the poem by Langston Hughes "A Dream Deferred":



What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?
Good question, Langston good question.

Or does it really matter. Bane would argue "Dreams are lies we tell ourselves when we sleep"

Stevie says "Dreams do come true."


Iono. All this thinking got my head hurting and I gotta drive two snarky kids to school in the am.

I'm try to sleep now...but still...I hear voices...trying to free my mind at night...out there on the ocean.

Heh. God I'm good with a lyrical blade.

That makes me smile.
Still...

I miss her and little sun. I do.

Rest easy blogspot.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-09-2009
3:36AM (written)
(posted 10:07am damn wow cable.)