The Apology

*author's note: This is an old adage about throwing a brick into a pack of dogs and the hit one yelling. Before you email me or leave a snarky comment just realize it wont validate your point of view but mine. Just FYI. TLT*

I apologize
Oh, believe me I do
I apologize
Honest and true
Because I know I was wrong
So I sing you this song
And I'm tryin' to get through
To make it up to you, yeah ~Anita Baker

You know snarky mofo reading this I feel bad. Why you ask? Well I feel bad because I wronged a bunch of people. I hurt a lot of people and then shrugged my shoulder. That makes me an asshole ya know?

But I couldn't help it. I swear it. I mean have you seen how deep her eyes are? Or how illuminating her smile is? Have you felt her touch? Or engaged her in a conversation about Black love, politics or just some good nigga shit?

No? Then you don't understand. I have enjoyed each one of those things and it is simply divine.

How else do you think she got the name Black Heroin?

Think about it. I named her after Heroin. That says a lot.

Yeah, I am kinda addicted.

I know you (and you know who you are) that once a mofo is addicted man..he starts selling radios, old clothes, cereal boxes, pussy all kinds of shit. Wait I can't sell pussy. But you get my point.

Morally, I am inclined to do something to rectify this problem. So let me issue this heartfelt apology, that I hope once and for all will put any questions of who what when how and why she got the throne and you got well...the turtle wax.

As point of house keeping and future reference I encourage you to read the blog called " The Lament: Suggestions for the next one" and remember that. Apply it to the next man you come across.

I am not trying to be sarcastic. Ok I am. But I'm a bit annoyed by all of the antics involving my queen and I. I mean for real I am happy. I am at peace, and while it is not a perfect peace, it is still a wonderful place. It is obviously more than what you were able to provide.

Ponder that for a moment.

But, ishamariablanca had a point. I did hurt you. I did kinda just through folks under the bus. So I would be a total ass if I didnt acknowledge your pain. She advised me just issue an apology. I think I will do that now.

*pause*
ishamariablanca, this doesn't apply to you. I know you were hurt as well but instead of lashing out you embraced my new queen, showed the throne respect and worked to evolve into a friendship. I truly appreciate that. I know you and your new king will do well. Ashe.

*play*

So this is dedicated to those out there who are hating, bitter, upset, leaving anonymous messages and other petty antics.

Let me also say that should by some random act of the universe your feet hurrying off to badness does manage to end my new dynamic please rest easy in this even, even simpler truth:

She IS the queen, even for a moment. You never were, even for a moment.

So without further adieu...

I apologize:

for you not having what it takes to claim the throne.
for you not understanding what I was saying even if I made it plain.
for you not touching my heart in the truest sense.
you weren't lady enough.
you weren't positive enough.
you couldn't make up your mind.
you made your mind up too soon.
for not being smart enough.
for you thinking it was owed to you.
that you didn't get a return on your investment. It's a volatile market. Investments are not FDIC insured.
that you think by hating on the current queen will get you promoted. It wont.
that you think by plotting on my queen you can break us up. I assure you she's hardheaded. She's more likely to marry me than leave me. I know. I deal with it daily.
you spent more time trying to be queens of old than doing what you needed to do. I can tell you from experience it was more annoying than endearing.
that you didn't get it.


I really apologize that I am happy.

and I am sorry that you're not.

;-)

Straight, No Chaser

TLT
3-24-2009
2:30pm

When Doves Cry OR Stubborn Colored People in Love Or Two tribes...I confess a title eludes me...

Maybe I'm just 2 demanding
Maybe I'm just like my father 2 bold
Maybe I'm just like my mother
She's never satisfied (she's never satisfied).
~Prince "When Doves Cry"

It's a beautiful scenario complicated by three problems.

• How do you lower your ego in a dynamic and work towards the best?
• Can one ever "turn off" their warrior mode?
• Why don't baptists read?

OK its actually two complicated problems but I always wanted to know the last one.

I've spent the past 24hrs struggling with the basic principles of patience, asking myself over and over again was it truly as it seemed or was I being set up for a fall or as my friends love to say "an unintentional heartbreak".

*Pause*
For the record I don't believe in "unintentional" heartbreaks; I truly believe each one is at the core an evil moment of hedonism. People feign ignorance, but I have found the act has been planned a million times over yet nobody wants to deal with the fall out. So what better rationale than to feign ignorance.

*Play*

As I sit and think of this from my pure mind I don't think malice is at the core. I do think patience and the desire to heal is. I do think that the last dynamic hurt so much, tired her out that she just cant wid me, even if she wanted to. Yet love compels her to try. I respect than more than I let on because when I was healing from 2005-06 I wasn't going to be in any relationship, regardless of what I saw. I kept my options open and my feelings locked away. This part of the reason why on my side of the aisle my decision to enter a relationship was met with utter hatered and bitterness (sadness mostly); I for so long said I would not enter into a relationship until certain conditions were met internally and externally in my life. When those conditions where met I made a choice outside of the box.

In this regard she is better than I. She is at least offering the chance. I didn't do that.

I am accepting part of my struggles in what should be a perfect situation is that I am distrustful. My time as the "Prime Minister" and "Commander" respectively has made me see shit that would turn you white snarky mofo reading this. I have burned villages and in turn had mine burned. So I am very weary of the slightest misstep, because I don't know if its a sign of aggression or just well nothing. I think I'm a reflection of my country, which is probably why I understand it so much. No person or institution should have to live out its days on DefCon 1. I am no different. I'm just a man. And as a man my heart cant take the strain. Its insane to find enemies where there are none, and while I no longer "seek" out such things I do admittedly read into everything.

A fatal flaw perhaps?

I know she loves me. We're truly amazing. Yet I also know she's healing and I cant push her to not be tired. Nor can I continue to expect her to retcon her past at the expense of our present. Right now I admit I'm being insecure and selfish; that kind of thought goes against the very core of who I am. Besides the whole "get up and try again no matter how beat down" is stuff that only works in a rocky movie, never in real life. People who are unreasonably exhausted or pushed to hard for no reason just quit and I need to be careful that my vision and goal doesn't outmatch my capabilities nor her patience.

Or mine for that matter.

There is a taoist/buddist concept of letting go and having no expectations. I think you baptists out there call it "letting some go, if it returns to you then it was your".

For the record baptist reading this that IS the DUMBEST logic I've heard. I lost ten dollars this weekend, is that gonna come back? Pffft.

Sorry I forgot what I was talking about. Oh. I think for now I'm just going to enjoy love. No more talks of the future or the past, which is damn near impossible for a guy like me, but not improbable. Instead I will try to enjoy the moments, and find something to do in between the moments, to keep things productive and moving forward.

My arrogance admittedly is just as much of a problem as her hard hardheadedness. I do think I have all the answers when I don't have them. Sometimes I wonder even if I had them would she listen.

That actually makes her kinda cute yall ya know?

But that's a blog for another day...

Today's blog is about how two people who love each create patience and make a new world.

It requires energy and it requires something I've never done before...

close my eyes...take her hand and leap...the evidence of things unseen. I'm doing better tho, at first I didnt even acknowledge faith ya know..

*steps to ledge holding hands*

BFL niggaz, BFL

Straight, No Chaser

TLT
3-23-2009
12:40AM

An Even Simpler Truth

“Let a Bitch* Know”~ Unknown

Last night at the BFL reunion I discussed some of the complexities of our dynamic with the counsel. It was refreshing, I truly missed their many different voices and insights; but all offered the same conclusion: I need to show you more what you mean.

Your new friend and Brother Jay offered the best insight; I mean he’s been my boy for almost 30 years. He let me know that by far you were the best thing to happen to me (of course he had to massage this by saying other than BM who gave me the boys) and let me know that part of the problem is not you, but rather old wounds coming open. Lil sis also offered that while I am a problem solver there are times when you have to not worry about the problem, but instead deal with the moment.

As I drank ogoobs amount of vodka and laughed, there was emptiness there. Your presence was truly missed. Ever member who didn’t meet you wanted to meet you and RJ, it seems your position as Queen has been certified by the electoral college.

However, as I sit at Jay’s computer and watch the laugher and even talked about Lonnie who just yacked all over Jay and Brina’s rug, I do think about our earlier conversation.

I may not show enough. So hell bent am I on fixing problems that I forget to enjoy the moment.

For that my Queen I am sorry.

You once wrote a lovely piece about how amazing we are. I think that plan, like Zhuge Liang’s Longzong plan thousands of years ago, was a perfect verse over a fat ass beat. It defined what we need to do.

[Classified] I have never truly had happiness before you. I know I may not show it or talk about it, I wish you could have seen those who know me best last night talk about it. Every facet of my life has improved: money, health, children, friendship and outlook. While we have different managerial styles that may irk each other from time to time the fact remains that YOU are the one I want to be with, THIS dynamic matters most to me and I don’t care who knows it. I have placed you on the throne and all others will submit and respect it.

But this isn’t about all others.

This is about me trying to convince you that despite my concerns that is not an indication of unhappiness. Can I think too much? Yes. Do I worry? Yes. But all of that is simply indication this happiness is real and I want to protect it.

From your smile to your touch to the way you make CJ come out of his shell and calm Debo down; to the way you encourage me and offer me looks of reproof to how you were able to join the multi facets of my life and not disrupt to the way you kiss and hug me are all reasons why I love the shit out of you and will herald and defend it even again the world.

So this is my public declaration, a small attempt to show you that I do care, written in real time after all of the banter between me, Janay, J Boogie and Baby mama.

My love, my queen, my friend, we have world to build.

I have never forgotten that task.

Even when I cry.

I realized that in my drunken stupor I have waxed on, and my writing is being interrupted by clips from Kid with the Golden Arm so I will simplify this message:

I love you more than you know. Now what must I do to let you know.

Ask and I will answer

Straight, NO Chaser

TLT

3-21-2009

3:15am

*Author’s Note-By no means am I calling MY Queen a bitch. However, this hood statement was offered today as a way of driving home a point and I use it here for that reason only.*

A Brief Note on Evolution

"The Times They are a changing"~ Bob Dylan

Recently, I had the honor of introducing my Queen to a facet of my life that’s rarely seen by folks who don’t hold a special place; folks who I believe can handle the information shared and visions seen. I took my Queen to a BFL drinking party.

Now I’m sure snarky mofo reading this you have two questions: a) what in the hell is BFL? And b) why is this important?

Well let me answer you. BFL is a group of brothers who originally got together in the mid/late 1990’s and developed a bond that in spite of all challenges would stand the test of time. I mean think of the dudes who wrote The Pack, but more ghetto, grimy and sans the happy ending; in spite of these minor flaws though we were unequivocally the shit. You name it and we did it. In fact I’m convinced the state of Illinois came up with at least 33 different laws during our heyday in an attempt to scuttle our activities.

Yes indeed we were scholars, gentlemen, drunkards, fornicators, heathens, and your basic stuck up assholes. We were some wheelin and dealin, jet flying, limousine riding kiss the girls and make them crying (wooooooo) type dudes, except we didn’t have jets and limousines.

Ok we were hood, but we were the shit and I’d put us up against any hood crew short of the Barksdales and Stanfields.

Ok, sorry I digress. BFL makes me excited even all these years later ya know? Anyway I felt it was time for my Queen to see this side of me since the only side she had seen up until that point was my more emotional combative side. I believed it was good for her to hear and see, unrehearsed and unbiased, from people who seen me at my best and worst. I wanted her to know there was more to me than the philosophical thinker who waxes on about love.

And you know what? I was sooo right. She enjoyed ever moment of it and affirmed that hearing and learning that only made her want me more. Heh, the power of BFL is still reigning supreme. We are hot. BFL reunion in 09. Watch for it.

Wait I’m digressing. My apologies again.

So a couple of weeks later we are getting ready to go to Chinatown and enjoy some fine Chinese cuisine when she basically asked me, as only she could, when did I become so “emotional”; but her face and tone was more like “Wow you’ve certainly bitched up over the years”. I didn’t answer, but chuckled. I decided to make this blog my response to her honest, even if subtly rude question.

And I still love the hell out of her before any snarky mofo reading this asks.

But the funny thing is she isn’t the only one who’s made that query of me. Babymama and my brother also made that inquiry of me. It’s funny when they bring up my solutions to problems, esp my younger brother who I trained on my “kick ass first, ask questions later” type mentality. It now flusters him that I often wait and gather information than just start smiting mofo’s.

So let me answer this question once and for all. Why did Terrance (Commander Black) change?

Well there are three primary reasons which prompted my change. Well its not so much as I’ve changed as I’ve evolved. I needed to evolve, as all creatures do to survive. In essence I couldn’t continue to operate with the cold, callous view towards life and the people in it. Those actions and attitudes have consequences and as I grow older and seek (rather having now obtained) peace, I can’t have that fucked with by some cruel action of yesteryear that wants to come back and seek vengeance. I have finally grown to discern the wisdom in the truth “you reap what you sow” and honestly I want a different type harvest. The second cause was I couldn’t reasonably expect my loved ones to trust and love me when I am treating the rest of the world as my own personal toilet. NLJ once said it best (as was echoed by Baby mama and others) “If you treat other people like garbage, it’s only a matter of time before you turn on me despite what you say”. That really struck me because I remember Nicole and I promising never to hurt no matter and vowing to only “clown” people in the street, but it was only a matter of time before we brought our full arsenal to bear on each other. I think more than anything else, being on the losing end of that encounter really made me step back and think; it showed me what the aftermath of a scorched earth policy has on the people in village.

Lastly, I realized that my gross individualism and selfish attitude was a by product of not a superior nature but really insecurity. I often dismissed and hurt people for fear of being hurt, for fear of commitment, for fear of living up to my true potential. Like every other mean spirited petty tyrant/person on the planet my insecurities came out in the form of gross selfishness and arseholeness. In short I was spoiled, weak and immature. This isn’t to say I was a “punk” underneath, far from it; my being a punk was that I truly never learned about life, love and being a true warrior.

I often reflect on how many women, friends, and chances I missed out on during this time and I get sad. I am at times ashamed. Then I get salty when I think of the karma I received. It’s all part of the growing process.


Heh…I’ve just waxed and waned when the answer was simple: I grew up. I got tired. Its honestly harder this way because it requires patience, love and understanding.

It’s the road less traveled,

Straight, No Chaser

TLT
3/7/2009
12:01am

Swagger and Smiles

“Swagger on hundred, thousand trillion” ~Kanye West

I got my smile back.

It feels good. It really does. I’ve been without it for so long I’ve forgotten it’s glow, it’s warmth, it’s charisma that it became the exception rather rule.

I’ve forgotten what it was like to be known for that smile, or to see my sons’ face light up when I walked through the door flashing.

I grew tired of being known for my frown and scowl; being identified as unhappy when I truly was (at least on the inside) glowing.

I’ve gotten my smile back.

There are a number of reasons why my smile has returned: a purging of toxins in my life, an total embrace of my sons and their well being, getting my health in order and lastly finding love.

More importantly than that, I got it back because I started using it again. I can affirm that the saying “use it or lose it” is true.

“Why would one stop using their smile?” is your obvious question snarky mofo reading this, and I can only say that I stopped using it because in many circles of my life I was made to feel ashamed of it. I was made to feel as if I was weak or incompetent for being emotional, or caring, or giving a fuck when it wasn’t my turn. All of those pressures simply forced my smile back and allowed the scowl that has created my forehead lines life.

But no more. I am glad its back and I’m going to flash it every chance I get. I’m going to smile in good times and bad, sickness and health. I am going to smile in the presence of enemies and friends.

I am going to smile because Jah has blessed me with one helluva smile and I refuse to be mad ashamed of a trait that makes me the man I am.

The smile accents my swagger.

And when I lost my smile, I ultimately lost the swag.

When the swag left my mental health began to weaken. And when that happened I entered a period of unhappiness and made a number of mistakes which could have been avoided had I simply held my ground, smiled and swagged.

I’ve always loved the poem “Phenomenal Woman”. I think it is a testament to Black Womanhood, but more importantly it is one helluva “fuck you” statement. It says in essence this is me right here and I am not responsible if you can handle it or not.

While I won’t be like those bootleg t-shirts and remake the poem to fit manhood, I am operating in the same vein. I am vocal and emotional, logical and quiet, arrogantly humble and I am doing it with a smile.

And for the sake of my blood pressure and mental health I gotta say unequivocally “Fuck you if you can’t deal with it. This is me right here.

Hate it or love it the underdog’s on top.

Excuse me while I swagger

And nobody swaggers likes me…

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

3-01-2009

12:01AM