When Doves Cry OR Stubborn Colored People in Love Or Two tribes...I confess a title eludes me...

Maybe I'm just 2 demanding
Maybe I'm just like my father 2 bold
Maybe I'm just like my mother
She's never satisfied (she's never satisfied).
~Prince "When Doves Cry"

It's a beautiful scenario complicated by three problems.

• How do you lower your ego in a dynamic and work towards the best?
• Can one ever "turn off" their warrior mode?
• Why don't baptists read?

OK its actually two complicated problems but I always wanted to know the last one.

I've spent the past 24hrs struggling with the basic principles of patience, asking myself over and over again was it truly as it seemed or was I being set up for a fall or as my friends love to say "an unintentional heartbreak".

*Pause*
For the record I don't believe in "unintentional" heartbreaks; I truly believe each one is at the core an evil moment of hedonism. People feign ignorance, but I have found the act has been planned a million times over yet nobody wants to deal with the fall out. So what better rationale than to feign ignorance.

*Play*

As I sit and think of this from my pure mind I don't think malice is at the core. I do think patience and the desire to heal is. I do think that the last dynamic hurt so much, tired her out that she just cant wid me, even if she wanted to. Yet love compels her to try. I respect than more than I let on because when I was healing from 2005-06 I wasn't going to be in any relationship, regardless of what I saw. I kept my options open and my feelings locked away. This part of the reason why on my side of the aisle my decision to enter a relationship was met with utter hatered and bitterness (sadness mostly); I for so long said I would not enter into a relationship until certain conditions were met internally and externally in my life. When those conditions where met I made a choice outside of the box.

In this regard she is better than I. She is at least offering the chance. I didn't do that.

I am accepting part of my struggles in what should be a perfect situation is that I am distrustful. My time as the "Prime Minister" and "Commander" respectively has made me see shit that would turn you white snarky mofo reading this. I have burned villages and in turn had mine burned. So I am very weary of the slightest misstep, because I don't know if its a sign of aggression or just well nothing. I think I'm a reflection of my country, which is probably why I understand it so much. No person or institution should have to live out its days on DefCon 1. I am no different. I'm just a man. And as a man my heart cant take the strain. Its insane to find enemies where there are none, and while I no longer "seek" out such things I do admittedly read into everything.

A fatal flaw perhaps?

I know she loves me. We're truly amazing. Yet I also know she's healing and I cant push her to not be tired. Nor can I continue to expect her to retcon her past at the expense of our present. Right now I admit I'm being insecure and selfish; that kind of thought goes against the very core of who I am. Besides the whole "get up and try again no matter how beat down" is stuff that only works in a rocky movie, never in real life. People who are unreasonably exhausted or pushed to hard for no reason just quit and I need to be careful that my vision and goal doesn't outmatch my capabilities nor her patience.

Or mine for that matter.

There is a taoist/buddist concept of letting go and having no expectations. I think you baptists out there call it "letting some go, if it returns to you then it was your".

For the record baptist reading this that IS the DUMBEST logic I've heard. I lost ten dollars this weekend, is that gonna come back? Pffft.

Sorry I forgot what I was talking about. Oh. I think for now I'm just going to enjoy love. No more talks of the future or the past, which is damn near impossible for a guy like me, but not improbable. Instead I will try to enjoy the moments, and find something to do in between the moments, to keep things productive and moving forward.

My arrogance admittedly is just as much of a problem as her hard hardheadedness. I do think I have all the answers when I don't have them. Sometimes I wonder even if I had them would she listen.

That actually makes her kinda cute yall ya know?

But that's a blog for another day...

Today's blog is about how two people who love each create patience and make a new world.

It requires energy and it requires something I've never done before...

close my eyes...take her hand and leap...the evidence of things unseen. I'm doing better tho, at first I didnt even acknowledge faith ya know..

*steps to ledge holding hands*

BFL niggaz, BFL

Straight, No Chaser

TLT
3-23-2009
12:40AM