“Let a Bitch* Know”~ Unknown
Last night at the BFL reunion I discussed some of the complexities of our dynamic with the counsel. It was refreshing, I truly missed their many different voices and insights; but all offered the same conclusion: I need to show you more what you mean.
Your new friend and Brother Jay offered the best insight; I mean he’s been my boy for almost 30 years. He let me know that by far you were the best thing to happen to me (of course he had to massage this by saying other than BM who gave me the boys) and let me know that part of the problem is not you, but rather old wounds coming open. Lil sis also offered that while I am a problem solver there are times when you have to not worry about the problem, but instead deal with the moment.
As I drank ogoobs amount of vodka and laughed, there was emptiness there. Your presence was truly missed. Ever member who didn’t meet you wanted to meet you and RJ, it seems your position as Queen has been certified by the electoral college.
However, as I sit at Jay’s computer and watch the laugher and even talked about Lonnie who just yacked all over Jay and Brina’s rug, I do think about our earlier conversation.
I may not show enough. So hell bent am I on fixing problems that I forget to enjoy the moment.
For that my Queen I am sorry.
You once wrote a lovely piece about how amazing we are. I think that plan, like
[Classified] I have never truly had happiness before you. I know I may not show it or talk about it, I wish you could have seen those who know me best last night talk about it. Every facet of my life has improved: money, health, children, friendship and outlook. While we have different managerial styles that may irk each other from time to time the fact remains that YOU are the one I want to be with, THIS dynamic matters most to me and I don’t care who knows it. I have placed you on the throne and all others will submit and respect it.
But this isn’t about all others.
This is about me trying to convince you that despite my concerns that is not an indication of unhappiness. Can I think too much? Yes. Do I worry? Yes. But all of that is simply indication this happiness is real and I want to protect it.
From your smile to your touch to the way you make CJ come out of his shell and calm Debo down; to the way you encourage me and offer me looks of reproof to how you were able to join the multi facets of my life and not disrupt to the way you kiss and hug me are all reasons why I love the shit out of you and will herald and defend it even again the world.
So this is my public declaration, a small attempt to show you that I do care, written in real time after all of the banter between me, Janay, J Boogie and Baby mama.
My love, my queen, my friend, we have world to build.
I have never forgotten that task.
Even when I cry.
I realized that in my drunken stupor I have waxed on, and my writing is being interrupted by clips from Kid with the Golden Arm so I will simplify this message:
I love you more than you know. Now what must I do to let you know.
Ask and I will answer
Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
3-21-2009
3:15am
*Author’s Note-By no means am I calling MY Queen a bitch. However, this hood statement was offered today as a way of driving home a point and I use it here for that reason only.*
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