A Brief Note on Evolution

"The Times They are a changing"~ Bob Dylan

Recently, I had the honor of introducing my Queen to a facet of my life that’s rarely seen by folks who don’t hold a special place; folks who I believe can handle the information shared and visions seen. I took my Queen to a BFL drinking party.

Now I’m sure snarky mofo reading this you have two questions: a) what in the hell is BFL? And b) why is this important?

Well let me answer you. BFL is a group of brothers who originally got together in the mid/late 1990’s and developed a bond that in spite of all challenges would stand the test of time. I mean think of the dudes who wrote The Pack, but more ghetto, grimy and sans the happy ending; in spite of these minor flaws though we were unequivocally the shit. You name it and we did it. In fact I’m convinced the state of Illinois came up with at least 33 different laws during our heyday in an attempt to scuttle our activities.

Yes indeed we were scholars, gentlemen, drunkards, fornicators, heathens, and your basic stuck up assholes. We were some wheelin and dealin, jet flying, limousine riding kiss the girls and make them crying (wooooooo) type dudes, except we didn’t have jets and limousines.

Ok we were hood, but we were the shit and I’d put us up against any hood crew short of the Barksdales and Stanfields.

Ok, sorry I digress. BFL makes me excited even all these years later ya know? Anyway I felt it was time for my Queen to see this side of me since the only side she had seen up until that point was my more emotional combative side. I believed it was good for her to hear and see, unrehearsed and unbiased, from people who seen me at my best and worst. I wanted her to know there was more to me than the philosophical thinker who waxes on about love.

And you know what? I was sooo right. She enjoyed ever moment of it and affirmed that hearing and learning that only made her want me more. Heh, the power of BFL is still reigning supreme. We are hot. BFL reunion in 09. Watch for it.

Wait I’m digressing. My apologies again.

So a couple of weeks later we are getting ready to go to Chinatown and enjoy some fine Chinese cuisine when she basically asked me, as only she could, when did I become so “emotional”; but her face and tone was more like “Wow you’ve certainly bitched up over the years”. I didn’t answer, but chuckled. I decided to make this blog my response to her honest, even if subtly rude question.

And I still love the hell out of her before any snarky mofo reading this asks.

But the funny thing is she isn’t the only one who’s made that query of me. Babymama and my brother also made that inquiry of me. It’s funny when they bring up my solutions to problems, esp my younger brother who I trained on my “kick ass first, ask questions later” type mentality. It now flusters him that I often wait and gather information than just start smiting mofo’s.

So let me answer this question once and for all. Why did Terrance (Commander Black) change?

Well there are three primary reasons which prompted my change. Well its not so much as I’ve changed as I’ve evolved. I needed to evolve, as all creatures do to survive. In essence I couldn’t continue to operate with the cold, callous view towards life and the people in it. Those actions and attitudes have consequences and as I grow older and seek (rather having now obtained) peace, I can’t have that fucked with by some cruel action of yesteryear that wants to come back and seek vengeance. I have finally grown to discern the wisdom in the truth “you reap what you sow” and honestly I want a different type harvest. The second cause was I couldn’t reasonably expect my loved ones to trust and love me when I am treating the rest of the world as my own personal toilet. NLJ once said it best (as was echoed by Baby mama and others) “If you treat other people like garbage, it’s only a matter of time before you turn on me despite what you say”. That really struck me because I remember Nicole and I promising never to hurt no matter and vowing to only “clown” people in the street, but it was only a matter of time before we brought our full arsenal to bear on each other. I think more than anything else, being on the losing end of that encounter really made me step back and think; it showed me what the aftermath of a scorched earth policy has on the people in village.

Lastly, I realized that my gross individualism and selfish attitude was a by product of not a superior nature but really insecurity. I often dismissed and hurt people for fear of being hurt, for fear of commitment, for fear of living up to my true potential. Like every other mean spirited petty tyrant/person on the planet my insecurities came out in the form of gross selfishness and arseholeness. In short I was spoiled, weak and immature. This isn’t to say I was a “punk” underneath, far from it; my being a punk was that I truly never learned about life, love and being a true warrior.

I often reflect on how many women, friends, and chances I missed out on during this time and I get sad. I am at times ashamed. Then I get salty when I think of the karma I received. It’s all part of the growing process.


Heh…I’ve just waxed and waned when the answer was simple: I grew up. I got tired. Its honestly harder this way because it requires patience, love and understanding.

It’s the road less traveled,

Straight, No Chaser

TLT
3/7/2009
12:01am