On Black Men, Depression and Life Pt 3: Reflections at Midnight.

I am losing this battle. I realize it. The things I need to do, the healing that is required cant be obtained because I cant take the time needed to heal. I am a father. I am needed on the front lines of my family and I just have to accept that much is required of me. I believe in this moment of intense reality a quote from sci-fi best articulates my dilemma "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one."

Simply going off and resting is not a luxury I have.

I've learned enough tricks to keep myself float long enough to hold it back the eventual darkness (and possibly worse) that will engulf me. Again, using Stark Trek analogy my ship has no warp, no shields, the hull has been compromised, and my engines only work on auxiliary. I'm dead in the water. So right now I'm just trying to keep afloat until...another Bird of Prey de-cloaks or I can get to a space dock.

I think that's why I've undertaken this task to write this blog. I wanted my sons to know the truth, I've wanted my queen to know the truth, I've wanted BFL09 to know the truth. I'm not weak. I'm not a coward. I am simply a man whose engine gave out. I've lost my love, my emotions and slowly my will to live.

Snarky mofo I just don't know. This has been the darkest I've ever seen it. It is Blacker than the long night and honestly I just don't have it to go on.

I pray so much yet I don't think Jah hears my pleas. I cry for my Queen yet I don't think it matters. In short I'm tired. I really am. In a lot of ways death would be a welcome release for me.

Yet part of me wishes I could just forget wishes I could be happy and not feel tired.

I am Battle Weary.

I just don't know.

I look at my brother getting married and I am happy for him yet I am sad. I was supposed to be planning a wedding and now it is gone. It has left me forever.

I cant find work. Its just bad.

All I have is my boys. I love them so much. They keep me going. I don't do what I need to do because I don't want to leave them a bum legacy. But truth but told I cant go on.

LOL. I just don't know snarky mofo that is reading this. Perhaps after a night of crying I will be OK, but today I just don't know.

I've written three emotionally taxing pieces.

I am now going to go cry and pray that he delievers me...

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
06-19-2008