On Black Men, Depression and Life Pt.1: An Introduction

There are many factors to consider when discussing depression in the Black Community:

• First, because of the racism in psychology and non profit there is not a lot of work done on the Black mind, as it relates to mental health, society and our stations
• Second, how the concept of mental health is treated against cultural norms, IE the church and how one address problems
• Third, the stigma of admitting one has mental health issues and how it impacts the best and worst of us in the Black Community.

Before I start this discussion let me first be open and honest: I suffer from clinical depression. So not only is this an academic piece, it is a personal one, written by a man who is currently in the middle of a major depression and struggling with answers. I understand that by opening saying that to the general public in particular and the Black Community in specific I am going to be subject to extreme judgments, ridicule, fear, banishment and anything else we can think of.

So why then openly talk about it? Well I honestly have learned during the Love Supreme Crisis that the Black Community does not understand depression. This was evident how my network responded: at best I was told to pray it away, at worst clowned. It was even more evident in how (the) queen looked(s) at me; she really believes me to be some kind of monster hell bent on making her unhappy and hell bent on spreading sadness. Neither of these paradigms are true. To be concise, a majority of our people depression honestly believe that depression is caused by one of three things: A lack of FAITH, low self-esteem and/or a lack of toughness. Depression as seen in the Black community is nothing more than the blues, part of our lot in life, side effects of our racial oppression and really needs to be taken in stride and with that one "has to keep their head up."

I understand that. Again, in my own personal context, depression has been oft times dismissed as a quirk, something to set me up for jokes later, and really nothing more than "T" being weak. Even now at a time where I truly need spiritual and emotional uplifting I am surrounded, like Job, by a series of "troublesome comforters"; men and women who offer their opinion regardless of the facts laid out before them. In their eyes all of this "depression" is over a woman, I need to move on and suck it up. I'll admit this was the final straw in a series of unfortunate events, the knockout blow to a wobbly boxer. I also think it is the focus because it is the most public of my trials; matters of the heart always garners attention.

However do not be mislead; losing (the) Queen was a major painful event, but by no means it is the only event. That is one of the reasons I am undertaking this task. I want people to understand this isn't some love sick moment. This shit was coming on before April 4th. I want people to see that depression isn't something you wish away, pray away or ignore. It is serious like cancer or heart disease and must be tackled openly. It is my hope that my that talking about it from the in the moment perspective will change some ideas on depression in Black men and help you all help us and not turn away.

There is one other reason, and perhaps the most important reason I am writing this series: I want it to be my living testament, my account of the Love Supreme removed from the emotions of the earlier blogs, but no less honest and candid. I did not properly document my journey before, during and after "The Long Night". I regret that. But now, this current crisis which I am putting under the "Love Supreme" banner has surpassed that in sadness and despair. Even as I write this I feel alone, empty and very sad. There are days I want to put a gun in my mouth and do it, and there are days I want to keep fighting. There are days when I think about my life and get so sad, I weep bitterly and there are days when I try to find the good things, like my sons about my life.

My sons are the ultimate reason behind this series, because should I fall I know that I will be vilified and branded. I want something written in real time by me to show that I was neither weak nor selfish; I was just a man who lost a lot of friends, a loved one and in the process died emotionally. I want them to know that I fought until the final bell and that I would never ever have quit on them unless there was no more fight. So this is, should the worse happen, my written testament to CJ and Debo. Of course, I'm not aspiring for the worst.

Let me reiterate: I also write because I hope my words can touch someone else in need. I know about this isolation, I know about this darkness. We are apart of a rich culture, being African Americans yet in that culture is a lot of ignorance. Mental Health challenges often are scorned as I said before and even admitting to them violates two major Black Tenets: Keep praying and suffer in silence.

There isn't a lot of help for us, but yet the signs are all in our community. To the "happy" people in our community, we're just low self esteem having, non positive, evil weirdos who deserve to be locked in a corner. Depression is the antithesis of Black Manhood and Blackness, we're not supposed to be phased.

But we are phased deeply. We're not monsters or killers. We ain't gonna hurt nobody (if I had a dime for every time I've heard that in regards to my depression or any other man's depression I'd buy a sports team) in fact is scientifically proven we're more likely to harm ourselves than anybody else. We are simple men who just stay sad longer, hurt longer and work harder navigating the mine field of life.

I sound like an after school special. I just know that clinical depression is real and I think for those of you who are open minded will appreciate this journey and come away with something rich and helpful....

I am also aware that there are those who continue to see me as a villain, a crazed weak man. I cant worry about that audience.

One final thought: This blog has been in the works for some time, and each time I've tried as much as I could to remove more and more self serving emotions. This IS NOT an attempt to sway or convince anybody, it is not about her. I am not trying to cast blame or make people feel sorry for me. I am only trying to educate.

Enjoy the next few blogs. There are my stories. This is my confession, walk with me on this journey.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

6-17-2009

11:30am