"These walls have a sobering effect" ~TLT
I knew it was going to happen. I was warned that if I continued to fight this war and push myself my engine would finally conk out. I was told to accept the changes and get over it; to accept that she wasn't coming back and to pray until I healed. I was advised to monitor my associations, not to make deals with devils and to take some time off.
I didn't listen and finally the Battle Weary Solider fell. My engine gave out. I was broken.
Almost 2 months past the time when I should have I finally took the mental health break I needed and had to and checked into a "facility", nothing high tech or overly locked down, but someplace where I could restore my mind, cry and heal...in peace.
It is now time to truly begin the long (perhaps) and much needed (indeed) process of healing. The Love Supreme Crisis and all of its contents and variations almost killed me; rather I almost allowed it to kill me.
S0 what finally pushed me to the point, that point where I was about to do something I would regret, do something that would leave a legacy I could never erase?
I simply read something and it hurt. To keep with my Star Trek motif: I took a shot to my hull that basically wrecked my ship, the thought of "him" in that place drives me crazy...rather it did. I just couldn't accept it. I couldn't believe that after all the assurances to the contrary, the ultimate mind fuck had happened, that she went back. In essence I felt devastated, I assumed the worst case scenario had happened and I just lost it. I was hurt beyond repair and I just couldn't function. You add this news to of my new "responsibility" to my life, the mounting debt and my already depressed mental state and you have a fall. But you know what: I needed that fall, I needed to finally give out and I needed to go. My emotions were rolling and I was making myself sick and tired.
So I begin to put my machinations in order, called two friends and just left. For six days I didn't have any contact with the outside world, no Blackberry, no Facebook, no blog. It was just me, Jehovah, therapy and some real good cries.
It was a well needed respite, a moment to begin to heal in earnest; to reevaluate old and develop new coping skills. The last point is important as sometimes our lives and coping skills become like our shampoo; use them long enough and they no longer get the job done like they should. I was able to re-set some buttons. While I was uh...immobilized I took a personal inventory. I was able to assets my strengths and weaknesses; to truly find out who I am and how I can to be. I learned that my emotions are one my strengths, a source of incredible power, second only to my logic. I learned that I am a natural leader. And I learned that when most people scream "to blessed to be stressed" that usually means to scared to care.
But I also learned that my greatest weakness is my arrogance, that I am too bound by rules and traditions and there are times were the needs of the many don't outweigh the needs of the one. I can and should say no; and while I have been hurt by people carrying flagging the "individualism" banner, not everybody who does so will hurt me, nor is it a reason to abandon my individuality. I have accepted that being broke sucks, yet it doesn't make me less of man, that new responsibilities aren't bad and that despite what the Black Community and Church says depression is real.
I also learned that is OK, perfectly OK to mourn (the) Queen, her loss has reverberated through my life. It is OK to take my time to heal. It is OK to cry and not go to fast. In fact I learned if I didn't do these things then my emotions probably wasn't real to begin with.
Take my time and mourn. I've never done that, hell I barely mourn. But I think I'm going to head that in earnest. I am just come out of the eye of the storm; "The Love Supreme Crisis" was the darkest time in my life to this point, worst than "The Long Night", more frustrating than the "Second Renaissance", and even sadder than "A Death in the Family". It touched my soul, broke me and redefined me all at once. As painful as it is/was, I am and will be a better man for it.
But even in those tears, there is a path to self healing. On June 20th 2009, I finally sat down...to tired to continue and today, almost 7 days later, I come out of a place of healing, my eyes returned to normal, my smile returning and for the first time in a long while consistent clarity.
Its a nice day and I've so dearly missed my children. I do think I am going to stop here prepare to visit them...in a moment.
I'll post my final thoughts on the 90 day anniversary...on July 4th
But right NOW I will have some toast and tea, sit in the Sun, talk to Jehovah, pray for my friends, pray for (the) Queen, my children..and have one last cry...before as Brian McKnight once said "I leave it all behind ".
See you in a few days blogspot...
;-)
It is good to be home.
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
06-26-2009
2:31pm
I didn't listen and finally the Battle Weary Solider fell. My engine gave out. I was broken.
Almost 2 months past the time when I should have I finally took the mental health break I needed and had to and checked into a "facility", nothing high tech or overly locked down, but someplace where I could restore my mind, cry and heal...in peace.
It is now time to truly begin the long (perhaps) and much needed (indeed) process of healing. The Love Supreme Crisis and all of its contents and variations almost killed me; rather I almost allowed it to kill me.
S0 what finally pushed me to the point, that point where I was about to do something I would regret, do something that would leave a legacy I could never erase?
I simply read something and it hurt. To keep with my Star Trek motif: I took a shot to my hull that basically wrecked my ship, the thought of "him" in that place drives me crazy...rather it did. I just couldn't accept it. I couldn't believe that after all the assurances to the contrary, the ultimate mind fuck had happened, that she went back. In essence I felt devastated, I assumed the worst case scenario had happened and I just lost it. I was hurt beyond repair and I just couldn't function. You add this news to of my new "responsibility" to my life, the mounting debt and my already depressed mental state and you have a fall. But you know what: I needed that fall, I needed to finally give out and I needed to go. My emotions were rolling and I was making myself sick and tired.
So I begin to put my machinations in order, called two friends and just left. For six days I didn't have any contact with the outside world, no Blackberry, no Facebook, no blog. It was just me, Jehovah, therapy and some real good cries.
It was a well needed respite, a moment to begin to heal in earnest; to reevaluate old and develop new coping skills. The last point is important as sometimes our lives and coping skills become like our shampoo; use them long enough and they no longer get the job done like they should. I was able to re-set some buttons. While I was uh...immobilized I took a personal inventory. I was able to assets my strengths and weaknesses; to truly find out who I am and how I can to be. I learned that my emotions are one my strengths, a source of incredible power, second only to my logic. I learned that I am a natural leader. And I learned that when most people scream "to blessed to be stressed" that usually means to scared to care.
But I also learned that my greatest weakness is my arrogance, that I am too bound by rules and traditions and there are times were the needs of the many don't outweigh the needs of the one. I can and should say no; and while I have been hurt by people carrying flagging the "individualism" banner, not everybody who does so will hurt me, nor is it a reason to abandon my individuality. I have accepted that being broke sucks, yet it doesn't make me less of man, that new responsibilities aren't bad and that despite what the Black Community and Church says depression is real.
I also learned that is OK, perfectly OK to mourn (the) Queen, her loss has reverberated through my life. It is OK to take my time to heal. It is OK to cry and not go to fast. In fact I learned if I didn't do these things then my emotions probably wasn't real to begin with.
Take my time and mourn. I've never done that, hell I barely mourn. But I think I'm going to head that in earnest. I am just come out of the eye of the storm; "The Love Supreme Crisis" was the darkest time in my life to this point, worst than "The Long Night", more frustrating than the "Second Renaissance", and even sadder than "A Death in the Family". It touched my soul, broke me and redefined me all at once. As painful as it is/was, I am and will be a better man for it.
But even in those tears, there is a path to self healing. On June 20th 2009, I finally sat down...to tired to continue and today, almost 7 days later, I come out of a place of healing, my eyes returned to normal, my smile returning and for the first time in a long while consistent clarity.
Its a nice day and I've so dearly missed my children. I do think I am going to stop here prepare to visit them...in a moment.
I'll post my final thoughts on the 90 day anniversary...on July 4th
But right NOW I will have some toast and tea, sit in the Sun, talk to Jehovah, pray for my friends, pray for (the) Queen, my children..and have one last cry...before as Brian McKnight once said "I leave it all behind ".
See you in a few days blogspot...
;-)
It is good to be home.
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
06-26-2009
2:31pm
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