"Thank God for Granting Me this moment of Clarity" ~Jay Z
Let's take inventory of the impact of "The Love Supreme Crisis": 90 days in duration, 1 hospital stay, a weight gain of 30+ lbs, copious amounts of vodka consumed, 4 lost friends, one friendship under review, a strained network, and of course a major love lost.
"The Love Supreme Crisis" has become/was/is the most difficult time in my life to date, harder than when my father died (A Death In Family/Sins of the Father) more painful than my breakup with Nicole (The Long Night) and more confusing than the 2006-7 year (The Second Renaissance). My faith, my maturity, my dedication, my reason, my intellect, and my courage has been/is being tested. Some of these tests I passed (even if at times I bent the rules), some of them I didn't (when I should have bent the rules); indeed the very definition of who I am already and who I will become may be very well grounded in this moment in time.
I had no idea that when I went to bed on April 3rd 2009 the world I would awaken to would be forever changed, that I would be forever changed. I had no idea that the depression would engulf my like a singularity in space (Black hole for you lay people) and change history. Granted, the seeds and signs of the storm had been coming long before April 3rd. But like the Federal Government, I didn't really appreciate the magnitude of my personal hurricane Katrina, that perfect storm of personal, professional, and emotional crisises. Now like how this nation must live with the aftermath and legacy of Hurricane Katrina, I am trying to live with an sort out that Perfect Storm that was the Love Supreme Crisis and the after waves and shocks that ripped through my life.
The eye of the storm has passed and the most difficult times are over. I am able to sit back and think with some degree of clarity. This enables me to petition Jehovah for discernment in matters where I had no discernment. My time uh....incapacitated was well spent. I was able to make some very difficult decisions on my life. It is fitting that I end this series with this entry, I think it brings it full circle. I hope this post will clear up any misconceptions, answer any questions and ultimately set a policy on who I am and how I came to be. This also will serve as an apology of sorts, to my loved ones and loyal readers. I apologize for not taking care of myself, for being ashamed of my illness and not taking time out sooner. I am working to correct the aftermath of this very difficult time in my life.
So let's get on with it:
On why I went public with my Depression:
There is a concern among my peers as to me speaking openly about my mental illness. They fear I will be castigated and labeled, misunderstood and abused. I appreciate their concern. I really do, yet it was for those very reasons I decided to speak honestly about how I am feeling and who I am. I suffer from clinical depression. I could have cancer in the balls. I got off light. Consider: If I had cancer, lumps or some other physical malady, I would be screaming from the roof tops at the peak of my voice trying to get people to educate themselves, donate, join support groups etc. Yet since mental illness is taboo in the Black Community I am supposed to sit in the dark and suffer? That defies reason. My Black Studies Training mandates I educate, my social science education mandates I educate and it is my responsibility as a Christian and servant of Jehovah to educate. This last point important as faith is a major component in the Black Community; generally where the church goes so does the people. I think people should be reminded of the words found in 2 Corinthians 7:5, 6. Here the Apostle Paul speaks of trials that vexed his mental spirit: " when we arrived in Macedonia, our flesh got no relief . . . There were fights without, fears within." Also compare this to the counsel found at Proverbs 12:25: Anxious care in the heart of the man is what will cause it to bow down, but the good word is what makes it rejoice." Ain't no shame. My goal is to provide education and the good word.
On General Wei Yan's status:
This probably the most controversial decision but I think it also the most fair decision. Let's me be frank, Yan and I have a most polemic friendship, our dynamic can/could at times be very toxic. I think its safe to say that she and I put the CIA/KBG to shame. I am very disappointed at her early disrespect of (the) Queen and that dynamic. But in this admission I need to be forthright, she was not the blog vandal, her alibis, supporting documentation and witnesses affirm that she wasn't around; I also had to use discernment in this matter (or as much as I can muster): Ain't shit subtle about Yan. She's a bull in China shop. Hiding and doing things behind anonymity isn't her style, in fact subtly isn't in her vocab. More importantly, and this is important for all of you whole claim to love me and want my best interests to know this truth: It was Yan who found the words to get me to check into the hospital. It was Yan on two occasions who talked me out of suicide or rather didn't allow me to explore those thoughts. This isn't a slight to the familia or to Ishamariablanca or anybody else that was there for me; I am just saying that she found the right combination of words to make it stick. This means at the very least she is granted absolution for the sins of 2008. While a romantic dynamic isn't an option at this point (for reasons I will explain later) her rank and her exact place at the table is under review. All I can say now is that she will be given something I don't believe I've been given/ being given in my situation with (the) Queen: a fair hearing with ALL of the evidence presented.
On My Faith and Denomination:
I am studying to become one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I believe this is the best spiritual path for me, the only spiritual path for me. My decision is solid and cannot be open to discussion or debate.
On my relationship with BFL09/Familia:
I am aware that during this crisis my relationship with BFL09 was strained during the Love Supreme Crisis. I am sure they didn't understand my conviction or my battle; I didn't understand that inability to throw themselves into the fight with me. Yet in spite of our difficulties and differences they are still my family. I am still a member of BFL09. I am still the Commander. No matter what I am their family and I am theirs. All the dumb shit aside, I would never leave my famila. Respect our conglomerate.
On Why I Reached Out for Help via Emissaries:
A major question/concern is why I used to "emissaries" "agents" and "intermediaries" to speak to (the) Queen during the height of this crisis. I used them quite simply because they were able/supposed to articulate things I could not. They were able/supposed to be my voice of clarity and reason when I had neither clarity nor reason. To quote an old Vulcan proverb: Only Nixon can go to China. In essence it was the logical thing to do when my target audience believed(s) that I had lost my mind; just like in court an advocate to speak the language. Sometimes I chose the right people for this sensitive mission, sometimes I didn't use discernment in who I asked. I merely wanted my voice to be truly heard and not drowned out by the vision of me on the porch or whatever else had made it into her head. I will not apologize for this tactic. It was not a breach of homeland security, shit we both blogged our our dynamic and anybody with a 11th grade reasoning ability and reading level can put together what happened. I do regret some of those I asked didn't tell me no; I'd rather they not undertaken the mission rather than agree to it then bash me. That is so dishonorable. But still I do believe that the use of these advocates were a tactically sound, albeit morally complex maneuver.
On why I went public with my Depression:
There is a concern among my peers as to me speaking openly about my mental illness. They fear I will be castigated and labeled, misunderstood and abused. I appreciate their concern. I really do, yet it was for those very reasons I decided to speak honestly about how I am feeling and who I am. I suffer from clinical depression. I could have cancer in the balls. I got off light. Consider: If I had cancer, lumps or some other physical malady, I would be screaming from the roof tops at the peak of my voice trying to get people to educate themselves, donate, join support groups etc. Yet since mental illness is taboo in the Black Community I am supposed to sit in the dark and suffer? That defies reason. My Black Studies Training mandates I educate, my social science education mandates I educate and it is my responsibility as a Christian and servant of Jehovah to educate. This last point important as faith is a major component in the Black Community; generally where the church goes so does the people. I think people should be reminded of the words found in 2 Corinthians 7:5, 6. Here the Apostle Paul speaks of trials that vexed his mental spirit: " when we arrived in Macedonia, our flesh got no relief . . . There were fights without, fears within." Also compare this to the counsel found at Proverbs 12:25: Anxious care in the heart of the man is what will cause it to bow down, but the good word is what makes it rejoice." Ain't no shame. My goal is to provide education and the good word.
On General Wei Yan's status:
This probably the most controversial decision but I think it also the most fair decision. Let's me be frank, Yan and I have a most polemic friendship, our dynamic can/could at times be very toxic. I think its safe to say that she and I put the CIA/KBG to shame. I am very disappointed at her early disrespect of (the) Queen and that dynamic. But in this admission I need to be forthright, she was not the blog vandal, her alibis, supporting documentation and witnesses affirm that she wasn't around; I also had to use discernment in this matter (or as much as I can muster): Ain't shit subtle about Yan. She's a bull in China shop. Hiding and doing things behind anonymity isn't her style, in fact subtly isn't in her vocab. More importantly, and this is important for all of you whole claim to love me and want my best interests to know this truth: It was Yan who found the words to get me to check into the hospital. It was Yan on two occasions who talked me out of suicide or rather didn't allow me to explore those thoughts. This isn't a slight to the familia or to Ishamariablanca or anybody else that was there for me; I am just saying that she found the right combination of words to make it stick. This means at the very least she is granted absolution for the sins of 2008. While a romantic dynamic isn't an option at this point (for reasons I will explain later) her rank and her exact place at the table is under review. All I can say now is that she will be given something I don't believe I've been given/ being given in my situation with (the) Queen: a fair hearing with ALL of the evidence presented.
On My Faith and Denomination:
I am studying to become one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I believe this is the best spiritual path for me, the only spiritual path for me. My decision is solid and cannot be open to discussion or debate.
On my relationship with BFL09/Familia:
I am aware that during this crisis my relationship with BFL09 was strained during the Love Supreme Crisis. I am sure they didn't understand my conviction or my battle; I didn't understand that inability to throw themselves into the fight with me. Yet in spite of our difficulties and differences they are still my family. I am still a member of BFL09. I am still the Commander. No matter what I am their family and I am theirs. All the dumb shit aside, I would never leave my famila. Respect our conglomerate.
On Why I Reached Out for Help via Emissaries:
A major question/concern is why I used to "emissaries" "agents" and "intermediaries" to speak to (the) Queen during the height of this crisis. I used them quite simply because they were able/supposed to articulate things I could not. They were able/supposed to be my voice of clarity and reason when I had neither clarity nor reason. To quote an old Vulcan proverb: Only Nixon can go to China. In essence it was the logical thing to do when my target audience believed(s) that I had lost my mind; just like in court an advocate to speak the language. Sometimes I chose the right people for this sensitive mission, sometimes I didn't use discernment in who I asked. I merely wanted my voice to be truly heard and not drowned out by the vision of me on the porch or whatever else had made it into her head. I will not apologize for this tactic. It was not a breach of homeland security, shit we both blogged our our dynamic and anybody with a 11th grade reasoning ability and reading level can put together what happened. I do regret some of those I asked didn't tell me no; I'd rather they not undertaken the mission rather than agree to it then bash me. That is so dishonorable. But still I do believe that the use of these advocates were a tactically sound, albeit morally complex maneuver.
On My Potential "Responsibility":
Second only to the impact of losing (the) Queen is the news that I have a new responsibility. I heard rumors of this situation for sometime, but paid them little to no mind because I was at a place in life where I simply thought it was a case of the devil being hella busy to derail my happiness. Well come to find out the devil was being hella busy and still managed to disrupt my happiness. All I can say is if it is true, then I will embrace this new responsibility with open arms and full dedication: with the condition that the other party understands there is a system in place that works, its a damn near perfect system and they (the new responsibilities) must adhere to the rules already in place. In short the system will not bend for them, they will have to conform and adhere to the rules of the system. If that can not be done then I will only do the legal minimum. The idea that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one definitely applies in this context.
On My Next Career Moves:
I would like to announce I am officially broke again, so I need to get back on the hustle. HOWEVER, working that dead end gig at CS helped drag me into a depression, so I've decided to throw myself into getting into the education/social service field. I realize its going to be problematic not taking any ole job to work, but honestly I'd rather be broke than crazy. So I am no longer allowing myself to be sidetracked just to say I have a job. Right now its teacher/counseling or bust.
On Dating and Black Love:
This is going to be tricky, as I don't want to put too much in this section because of the upcoming 90 day Love Supreme blog. However, I will say that I am currently not interested in entering another committed relationship. I need time to heal from a MAJOR LOVE LOSS, to recenter and work through some lingering hurt and confusion. I don't think it would be wise to even entertain the notion of "relationship". I said and did a lot of things which need to be reconciled; to wit I declared (the) Queen to be my soulmate and the one in public and in private. I was moving towards making that a reality in my personal life. She was given stop mom responsibilities among my children. All of this needs to be reconciled. So then in this context how can I, a mere three months after the storm/crisis begin(an), be ready to move on and love another? To me that is so....ugh. That is not my style. My honor code believes that if I were to just get over it and move on with ease then I really didn't mean shit I said and did to begin with. Real Love can't be dismantled in 90 days, you cant just forget about something that powerful and move on to the next conquest. That's like falling from a 9 story building then getting up and walking away. That shit ain't happening. So at least for me, because of the emotional, mental, spiritual, and every other kind of "al" investment, I need to heal, rebuild then contemplate moving on, but because of the level of emotion I poured into that dynamic, it certainly ain't gonna happen in 180 days, let alone 90 days. Again to do so would show I didn't mean it to begin with (in my eyes). This time has also forced me to rethink some of my theories on Black Love, primarily is it unconditional and will the notion of struggle ever return. I am forced to answer the question of "what happens when you learn a complication wasn't the fault of anyone?" "Do you give it another chance, a fair review or do we stick with our convictions because it is the easy path?" "Can we really stand the rain esp when its something like mental health?" "Do we consider the strength of our words to our loved ones?" I really have a lot of thinking to do this summer on this. But as of right now in spite of the complications I am still convinced the key to saving our community lies in Black Love and the dynamic between men and women.
Aight I gotta run.
I'll see you again on the 4th.
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
7-01-2009
2:35pm
1 comment:
*SIGH*
This blows... wasn't supposed to be like this. At all.
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