The Legend of TLT....Reconsidered

"Better than the best"~ T.G.S.

A couple of years back I wrote a piece entitled "The Legend of TLT" in which I discussed who I was, and how I came to be with the intent on letting my budding Myspace blog fans get an insight into me and how this little brain of my works. I confess I don't actually remember writing that essay, at the time I believe I wrote it (2006-2007) I was struggling heavily with drinking and probably penned it in one of those more "relaxed" moments (if I was a betting man I'd say I DID write it while drunk off my behind).

Utter drunkenness aside, apparently this piece along with my "Declaration of Independence" (I know penned in a drunken rage), and my "Top Ten" ground rules really helped people see who I am and in some strange way increased my fan base and endeared people to lil ole me. Sadly in a moment of impulse behavior, I deleted the original site of this and my Myspace blogs without saving those items; the only remnant is the aforementioned "Top Ten" (this was only saved because I emailed it to a friend to review and found it when I was trying to move some emails to my Blackberry.) and a rough draft of the declaration I sent to Soror Sage back in 2005. (which I might just retro post). I confess I would love to see those fine essays again in completed form, if for no other reason than to see where my head was at this time in my life and reflect; I've even scoured the internet to see if somehow some where they were saved or moved around and sadly they weren't. I wanted to use them to write sorta of an update on my TLT thesis statement, and because I am a stickler for cannon and try to keep retcon's to a minimum, I wanted to use it as a guide of sorts to see how much I've grown (tons) and if, as Soror Sage once quipped, history has repeated itself (it has).

However, even the loss of some of my classic work comes a chance to do something good. Without that guide I am forced to rethink things on their own merits and get discernment through Holy Spirit as to who I am and how I came to be. It gives me a moment to pray for understanding about various things like love, because as much as I thought I knew about love and relationships, 2009 showed me I didn't know jack. If anything I learned in 2009 that sometimes the best man doesn't win, sometimes people willfully chose the wider, easier and familiar path and most importantly there is nothing you can do about it. Wait I refuse to believe that is the only lesson that can be discerned about who I am...is that I am a grateful loser? I scoff at that notion, of me being a loser especially a grateful one.

No..there is much more to me than the LSC and the DOF. There is no way in hell that those periods, as painful as they were, can or should be the defining moments in what made me a man. In fact I'm a pretty amazing man if I do say so myself. I am not trying to be haughty or puffed up with pride, but I am one helluva brother that has overcome so much in my loving career.

Yet I don't want to be defined by "comebacks." As used to this narrative as my people have become, it really isn't flattering when you are the one who always has to "fight back." Is my career really gonna be defined by kip-ups and saving grace (as opposed to SAVING GRACE)? I mean the first couple of times you mount a comeback is inspirational; anytime thereafter you are a half arsed planner who has to find loop holes to get out of a jam.

Surely I am not defined by the evil(s) I've done. As I said the other day I've taken all that to the Sovereign of the Universe and I really don't need to make that the focal point of who I am as a man.

Perhaps I am thinking too much and who I truly am lies in the description of my blogs. At the very introduction I write:

*pause*
Soror Sage is really is gonna clown me. She once told me only an arrogant sucker punk quotes or herself in a context like this.
*play*

...This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, who has been crucified and resurrected, who has a lot of stories and no stories.

All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser

Well that was kinda vague, even if it is well written. But this is closer to the truth than anything else I have written on this subject. I have been on one helluva journey. I have done a lot. Yet if I am truly honest about all of this my actuality has not met my potential for a myriad of reasons. I have a lot of stories folks wanna hear and judging from the response this blog has gotten at times there are stories that others don't want to hear or wish would go away. The most endearing truth is even though I have tried to invoke a spiritual motif by using the words crucified and resurrected, the truth is that I'm probably up there with your typical soap opera or comic book character than some biblical one with the amount of times I've been killed out of the story lines only to come back. It makes me kinda dizzy.

But while the above quip comes close it doesn't due me justice...total justice. I mean how can I NOT discuss my renewed faith and bliss that I'm feeling being in the loving embrace of God reading and absorbing everything I can. Perhaps I should add this line: " ...A man who struggled with, rejected, and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, who is forever praised Amen."

OK..we're getting closer. What else should I add. Let try this: "...the journey of a man who loves his children and his family; who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies."
That's a little closer.

Of course my brilliant intellect and my kind heart are my strongest assets, yet the are so often in conflict. I need a plank on that as well. Here's a good line: "a man who seeks to learn as much as he can, while realizing he knows nothing at all."

We're getting there.

Let's see how all of this looks with a slight rearrangement:

This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, a man who loves his children and his family, who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies, who seeks to learn as much as he can while realizing he may know nothing at all, who struggled with, rejected and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, (who is forever praised Amen), who has been crucified and resurrected, and lastly, who has a lot of stories and no stories, All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser.

Hmmm I like that. *Note to self: Make sure you post this in the about me section~TLT*

But even as I type that I realize that I don't want to be a legend anymore. I simply want, in this 35th year of living, is love my heirs, worship my God and finally live life to the fullest; I want my actuality to meet my potential and I want to make God proud. While writing my my Legend I realize the simple truth is I'm just a man...

Not as bad as some, but better than enough.
And most importantly showing myself approved in God's sight.

In truth and transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-11-2010
6:23pm

The Duel of Fates: On Thy Honor

"All you have is your word and your reputation, with it you have an open line....without it you are finished." ~Brother Mouzone.

In her excellent advice for the next man after our breakup, the legendary Soror/Sage Nickjack wrote a piece (which she lent to me a few years later) called "The Lament." In this great piece she offers advice for the next man based on the problems/solutions/quirks we had that lead to our demise. Even though I was the root cause of some of these new rules, I respected them and vowed I would use them in my next serious relationship. As we all know that would occur two years later when I got with my(the) Queen.

Trying to finally get past, as humanly possible the L.S.C. I decide to utilize rule #15 of the Lament, not in an effort to hurt; in fact I started my questions of with the statements I didn't know and my feelings my be wrong. I stressed my questions and what I thought wasn't the gospel.

Indeed the bible says keep knocking and asking and I did. She answered the ultimate question , and it, as I suspected, is one that I may not be able to repair be able to repair with a lot of work, honor and blessings from Jehovah. What is the issue?

The issue at hand is one of integrity.

My integrity. I live and die by it. This is NOT to say I am perfect; I have played political games in my life to advance my agenda or the common good as I saw it. In my younger days I had no qualms about playing both sides against the middle to achieve my end. Yet even when playing my master's of the universe games I would caution the people around me to mind their surroundings and check all sources. Rarely, if ever, did I just do some ruthless shit without some kind of advance notice.

But those were my younger days; in my adult years I speak truth to power, I tell you where I stand and what's up (even if the other party ignores or opts to hear only the comfortable parts); I also let you know that I, in the words of Nickjack, reserve the right to change my mind should the situation warrant it. I have even asked my loved ones to call me out on my behavior should I fall back into old behavior, not out of malice, but out of habits and inculcation.

So when I read her email I truly was taken back to emotional point one, because that was the LAST thing I expected to read. As I read her words, as the tears of frustration flowed from my eyes I could only think "What have I done to give her this impression?"

It's not like I haven't been called a "fake" before; but generally that label was thrown as a guilt trip by women upset I didn't fall for their machinations or reversed myself on where I felt they should be in my life. So in fairness I have heard "Terrance you mislead me" and my typical response is to ask them to show where I made such a promise, in context, and if it was said did they get the memo retracting or correcting such a position. Generally this will end the conversation.

But to read these words from her was like wow. There was a lot more to the email, but in essence I was told I was a phony, a fake, and somebody who misrepresented myself.

I have thought about this for the past couple of days and I was shock. Had I compromised myself so much that I had lost the respect of my loved ones? Was the snarky "anonymous" poster right? This bothered me deeply, I heard and received her hurt and disappointment but still, I had to really pray on this matter. As always Jehovah sent the answer in the form of a Black Studies quote: "The village knows the truth."

I decided I would ask a couple of villagers who served with me on the front lines of the years; who both were active participants during the L.S.C. and casual observers, but with top secret access. I asked these four people willing to accept their voice as a guide post in this matter. Perhaps they saw the same thing she saw, perhaps not. While I have my own take I do believe the community has a voice and insight.

The first elder of my village I asked was Mr. President, my best friend of 20 plus years was I a fake and a phony. When I posed the question he laughed hard, he barely get his response out. He was fair. He was balanced. Am I an ass? Yes. Can I be moody? Yes. Can I be an insecure and at times petty man? Absolutely. But phony would never be a word associated with me. He also went on to say that even with my character flaws there is no other dude he would have on the front lines with him. He also went on to say that part of the problem was serve lack of "over standing". Neither of us, in his opinion really stepped back and gave the other the benefit of the doubt. We expected too much in six months, rather we didn't expect a storm, let alone one of that magnitude to hit. I did somethings in confusion and hurt; she probably did too but at the end of the day the question he raised (and I believe is central) is and should be "do we still love each other and is it worth the fight."

The next village elder I questioned was the mother of my children aka "Babymama." Again I posed the question with a different variance "Did my actions during LSC and afterward leave you with the idea I was phony?" Her face was one for the record books. I would like to point out the Babymama is my harshest rudest critic, someone who really has no qualms in letting me know I suck daily. So her response probably carried more weight than anybody else. She argued along the lines of Mr. President, but also added that a desperate man does desperate things. She pointed out that once that moment passed, she knew the same ole firm stern ass would return. She also added like Mr. President that the assessment offered wasn't fair; it was made without accurate information. If I was phony she pointed out I wouldn't still be loving her (the) Queen, if I was phony I wouldn't be trying to repair the friendships and the problems. She also argued that NOBODY in their right mind reveals all so early in a dynamic and that some things gotta be learned over time. Babymama articulated that my initial presentation is so flawless, that most people take that to be the whole of the man, yet when I am hit with a depression or a challenge and they see the other side of me they might not understand or know how to respond. She pointed out that's/this when you seek information, talk to other loved ones and accept the people we love are multidimensional. She even complimented me; in a snarky way she pointed out even at my worst, I wasn't a phony.

The third elder I asked was my younger Brother Zhang Fei. When I posed the question to him his response was quite blunt "What idiot asked that question?" I told him it wasn't an "idiot" and shared with him the concerns brought to my attention. He nodded and said "you've been fickle, can be fickle. You're a young Mr. Burns. But like him you're not phony." But he ALSO was balanced and pointed out her anger in reactivating Wei Yan, for whatever reason, was justified, he let me know that whether anybody admitted it or not it made me at best look dizzy and at worst very suspect. He let me know that as long as she remained active, no matter how much she "did" or "how much she claims she loves you" that I would forever suffer a credibility problem. He also affirmed though that this assessment was made in error and wondered what factors keep her from truly seeing the truth.

The last person I asked was my good friend Ishamariablanca, who over the past 3 years I have shared some of my deepest thoughts and strongest fear with. In fact, although she was one of the ones I kinda dissed for (the) Queen her response has been dignified and respectful; she never once challenged the throne nor spoke evil of it. She has been very honest in her praise and blunt in her critique of how we both handled the L.S.C. In effect she pointed out that I have (at least that was the goal) tried to find answers, solutions, and evolve during the L.S.C. She stated that if any questions as to how I felt or my motivations can be found in right here in Straight, No Chaser, a real time journal of this period. She pointed out that acted in ways that where morally complex and praise worthy, these same actions were not morally obligatory. Since I wasn't obligated to do certain things, but did because I felt it was the honorable thing to do, my intentions where misread or just plain vilified. From her POV I was a depressed, heartbroken, confused, pussywhupped dude searching for answers, and I shouldn't be penalized for trying everything to keep the woman I love and kingdom we were building from ruin, as long as I wasnt lying, killing, stealing, and other sorts of felonies. She affired to most people, that is not the sign of a phony man, but one who truly was willing to do whatever to make that which he believes in succedd. Like the other three she let it be known that as honorable as it was to grant Wei Yan a file review, my name, reputation, and integrity would always be questioned not because she is a bad person, on the contrary, but rather we did so much evil shit to each other only a sadist would continue in such a mannerof friendship. Since sadist isn't another word associated with me she suggested (like all the rest) I terminate that friendship permanently.

I reflected on each off these comments; not that they re-created my self notions, but rather re-affirmed them. I have said it ad nausea, but the L.S.C. was a defining moment, was a soul breaking moment and I was struggling for answers. But as I stated in the first entry on my depression, this blog has been a real time documentation. I wanted to keep those emotions locked into time and I did just that. I have shared my self reflections. I spoke of my doubt. I spoke of my fear. (Imagine a man with no fear now faced with it.) I spoke on my confusion. I spoke on my rolling emotions. I spoke on why I reactivated Wei Yan, even if the end result was problematic and even if I was gonna get hella bad press. In that same piece I acknowledged I wasn't consistent (in the first sentence mind you). I explained my erratic emotional let downs and where do I go from here. As Ishamariablanca pointed out this blog has been an emotional road map and you can walk away with many thoughts regarding it, but one thing you can not say in truth, honesty, and good conscious is that it is phony, fake, or full of lies. Even if my verbal answers were/are long winded and confusing, my writing is clear. This bible of Terrance (even when I am taking creative liberties) is the truth. It may not be my emotions or feelings today but you have without a doubt answers to what I was feeling or thought in historical context.

It hurts me to no end to know she thinks I was a "faker". It really does kill me. What we had wasn't fake. It was real. It was the best. It was hit by an unexpected perfect storm of doubt, depression, fear, and b.s.

*pause*
And my explusion from Fisk was over a botched cyber protest. None of the other b.s even mattered. FYI, the sister everbody swears I beat up came to defend me at my trial and gave me the money to get home when Fisk put my shit in garbage bags, blankets and sheets, gave me 50 dollars on a 340 dollar trip and threw me in a squad car with hand cuffs. Thank you KSW
TLT
*play*

It can be saved, repair or even rebuilt anew with patience, honesty, discernment, and a bottle of vodka. But with regrets that is not on me. The decision must be made to look at me in proper context, a man who is both a hero and villain, who can handle the best of problems and if overwhelmed with fold or if I will continued to be seen as a fake. Six months was not a LOT of time to try to discern the other's true nature; anything I didn't speak on or didn't talk about was either unimportant or forgotten. Any information and updates were given as I got them. The village can affirm this, I swear to this and Jehovah knows it to be true.

I am many things. I have been many things I will be many things. But fake isn't one of them.
A fake man wouldn't still fight almost 150 days after the fact for a concept they didn't believe is true; for a love they thought wasn't worth it.

Real talk right there

and sorry for the length

The Duel of Fates Rages on....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-20-2009
12:35am

On Black Men, Depression and Life Pt.5: Aftermath

"Thank God for Granting Me this moment of Clarity" ~Jay Z

This is going to be a long post so let's get right to the heart of the matter:

Let's take inventory of the impact of "The Love Supreme Crisis": 90 days in duration, 1 hospital stay, a weight gain of 30+ lbs, copious amounts of vodka consumed, 4 lost friends, one friendship under review, a strained network, and of course a major love lost.

"The Love Supreme Crisis" has become/was/is the most difficult time in my life to date, harder than when my father died (A Death In Family/Sins of the Father) more painful than my breakup with Nicole (The Long Night) and more confusing than the 2006-7 year (The Second Renaissance). My faith, my maturity, my dedication, my reason, my intellect, and my courage has been/is being tested. Some of these tests I passed (even if at times I bent the rules), some of them I didn't (when I should have bent the rules); indeed the very definition of who I am already and who I will become may be very well grounded in this moment in time.

I had no idea that when I went to bed on April 3rd 2009 the world I would awaken to would be forever changed, that I would be forever changed. I had no idea that the depression would engulf my like a singularity in space (Black hole for you lay people) and change history. Granted, the seeds and signs of the storm had been coming long before April 3rd. But like the Federal Government, I didn't really appreciate the magnitude of my personal hurricane Katrina, that perfect storm of personal, professional, and emotional crisises. Now like how this nation must live with the aftermath and legacy of Hurricane Katrina, I am trying to live with an sort out that Perfect Storm that was the Love Supreme Crisis and the after waves and shocks that ripped through my life.

The eye of the storm has passed and the most difficult times are over. I am able to sit back and think with some degree of clarity. This enables me to petition Jehovah for discernment in matters where I had no discernment. My time uh....incapacitated was well spent. I was able to make some very difficult decisions on my life. It is fitting that I end this series with this entry, I think it brings it full circle. I hope this post will clear up any misconceptions, answer any questions and ultimately set a policy on who I am and how I came to be. This also will serve as an apology of sorts, to my loved ones and loyal readers. I apologize for not taking care of myself, for being ashamed of my illness and not taking time out sooner. I am working to correct the aftermath of this very difficult time in my life.

So let's get on with it:

On why I went public with my Depression:
There is a concern among my peers as to me speaking openly about my mental illness. They fear I will be castigated and labeled, misunderstood and abused. I appreciate their concern. I really do, yet it was for those very reasons I decided to speak honestly about how I am feeling and who I am. I suffer from clinical depression. I could have cancer in the balls. I got off light. Consider: If I had cancer, lumps or some other physical malady, I would be screaming from the roof tops at the peak of my voice trying to get people to educate themselves, donate, join support groups etc. Yet since mental illness is taboo in the Black Community I am supposed to sit in the dark and suffer? That defies reason. My Black Studies Training mandates I educate, my social science education mandates I educate and it is my responsibility as a Christian and servant of Jehovah to educate. This last point important as faith is a major component in the Black Community; generally where the church goes so does the people. I think people should be reminded of the words found in 2 Corinthians 7:5, 6. Here the Apostle Paul speaks of trials that vexed his mental spirit: " when we arrived in Macedonia, our flesh got no relief . . . There were fights without, fears within." Also compare this to the counsel found at Proverbs 12:25: Anxious care in the heart of the man is what will cause it to bow down, but the good word is what makes it rejoice." Ain't no shame. My goal is to provide education and the good word.

On General Wei Yan's status:
This probably the most controversial decision but I think it also the most fair decision. Let's me be frank, Yan and I have a most polemic friendship, our dynamic can/could at times be very toxic. I think its safe to say that she and I put the CIA/KBG to shame. I am very disappointed at her early disrespect of (the) Queen and that dynamic. But in this admission I need to be forthright, she was not the blog vandal, her alibis, supporting documentation and witnesses affirm that she wasn't around; I also had to use discernment in this matter (or as much as I can muster): Ain't shit subtle about Yan. She's a bull in China shop. Hiding and doing things behind anonymity isn't her style, in fact subtly isn't in her vocab. More importantly, and this is important for all of you whole claim to love me and want my best interests to know this truth: It was Yan who found the words to get me to check into the hospital. It was Yan on two occasions who talked me out of suicide or rather didn't allow me to explore those thoughts. This isn't a slight to the familia or to Ishamariablanca or anybody else that was there for me; I am just saying that she found the right combination of words to make it stick. This means at the very least she is granted absolution for the sins of 2008. While a romantic dynamic isn't an option at this point (for reasons I will explain later) her rank and her exact place at the table is under review. All I can say now is that she will be given something I don't believe I've been given/ being given in my situation with (the) Queen: a fair hearing with ALL of the evidence presented.

On My Faith and Denomination:
I am studying to become one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I believe this is the best spiritual path for me, the only spiritual path for me. My decision is solid and cannot be open to discussion or debate.

On my relationship with BFL09/Familia:
I am aware that during this crisis my relationship with BFL09 was strained during the Love Supreme Crisis. I am sure they didn't understand my conviction or my battle; I didn't understand that inability to throw themselves into the fight with me. Yet in spite of our difficulties and differences they are still my family. I am still a member of BFL09. I am still the Commander. No matter what I am their family and I am theirs. All the dumb shit aside, I would never leave my famila. Respect our conglomerate.

On Why I Reached Out for Help via Emissaries:
A major question/concern is why I used to "emissaries" "agents" and "intermediaries" to speak to (the) Queen during the height of this crisis. I used them quite simply because they were able/supposed to articulate things I could not. They were able/supposed to be my voice of clarity and reason when I had neither clarity nor reason. To quote an old Vulcan proverb: Only Nixon can go to China. In essence it was the logical thing to do when my target audience believed(s) that I had lost my mind; just like in court an advocate to speak the language. Sometimes I chose the right people for this sensitive mission, sometimes I didn't use discernment in who I asked. I merely wanted my voice to be truly heard and not drowned out by the vision of me on the porch or whatever else had made it into her head. I will not apologize for this tactic. It was not a breach of homeland security, shit we both blogged our our dynamic and anybody with a 11th grade reasoning ability and reading level can put together what happened. I do regret some of those I asked didn't tell me no; I'd rather they not undertaken the mission rather than agree to it then bash me. That is so dishonorable. But still I do believe that the use of these advocates were a tactically sound, albeit morally complex maneuver.

On My Potential "Responsibility":
Second only to the impact of losing (the) Queen is the news that I have a new responsibility. I heard rumors of this situation for sometime, but paid them little to no mind because I was at a place in life where I simply thought it was a case of the devil being hella busy to derail my happiness. Well come to find out the devil was being hella busy and still managed to disrupt my happiness. All I can say is if it is true, then I will embrace this new responsibility with open arms and full dedication: with the condition that the other party understands there is a system in place that works, its a damn near perfect system and they (the new responsibilities) must adhere to the rules already in place. In short the system will not bend for them, they will have to conform and adhere to the rules of the system. If that can not be done then I will only do the legal minimum. The idea that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one definitely applies in this context.

On My Next Career Moves:
I would like to announce I am officially broke again, so I need to get back on the hustle. HOWEVER, working that dead end gig at CS helped drag me into a depression, so I've decided to throw myself into getting into the education/social service field. I realize its going to be problematic not taking any ole job to work, but honestly I'd rather be broke than crazy. So I am no longer allowing myself to be sidetracked just to say I have a job. Right now its teacher/counseling or bust.

On Dating and Black Love:

This is going to be tricky, as I don't want to put too much in this section because of the upcoming 90 day Love Supreme blog. However, I will say that I am currently not interested in entering another committed relationship. I need time to heal from a MAJOR LOVE LOSS, to recenter and work through some lingering hurt and confusion. I don't think it would be wise to even entertain the notion of "relationship". I said and did a lot of things which need to be reconciled; to wit I declared (the) Queen to be my soulmate and the one in public and in private. I was moving towards making that a reality in my personal life. She was given stop mom responsibilities among my children. All of this needs to be reconciled. So then in this context how can I, a mere three months after the storm/crisis begin(an), be ready to move on and love another? To me that is so....ugh. That is not my style. My honor code believes that if I were to just get over it and move on with ease then I really didn't mean shit I said and did to begin with. Real Love can't be dismantled in 90 days, you cant just forget about something that powerful and move on to the next conquest. That's like falling from a 9 story building then getting up and walking away. That shit ain't happening. So at least for me, because of the emotional, mental, spiritual, and every other kind of "al" investment, I need to heal, rebuild then contemplate moving on, but because of the level of emotion I poured into that dynamic, it certainly ain't gonna happen in 180 days, let alone 90 days. Again to do so would show I didn't mean it to begin with (in my eyes). This time has also forced me to rethink some of my theories on Black Love, primarily is it unconditional and will the notion of struggle ever return. I am forced to answer the question of "what happens when you learn a complication wasn't the fault of anyone?" "Do you give it another chance, a fair review or do we stick with our convictions because it is the easy path?" "Can we really stand the rain esp when its something like mental health?" "Do we consider the strength of our words to our loved ones?" I really have a lot of thinking to do this summer on this. But as of right now in spite of the complications I am still convinced the key to saving our community lies in Black Love and the dynamic between men and women.

Aight I gotta run.

I'll see you again on the 4th.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

7-01-2009

2:35pm

"Two Truths and Lie" or "Uh Let me Explain"

"Just let your word YES mean YES, your NO, NO
for what is in excess of these is from the wicked one." ~Matthew 5:37

War.Clouds.Judgment. I've said that over a hundred times this past month. It is a lesson I've learned but sometimes forget to apply; honestly after losing big this month I had better gain discernment in the matter because for every moment I allow these clouds to linger is another moment I can and will make irreversible mistakes.

With that said....

I've been blogging for some time now, first on Myspace and then on Blogspot. My writing has been a source of therapy for me and I'm sure a source of entertainment for the dozens of my snarky mofo fans out there. When I write, it's how I feel at the moment, my rawest emotions, sometimes well thought out, sometimes a rant equivalent to Tupac's Hit em up, but its still none the less me. I realize moments pass and moods switch, but I love to see what my thought process was during a trial, happy moment, victory or defeat. It is for this reason I refuse to apologize for the contents of my blog, and will clown you if you attempt to put any kind of censorship on my blog. I also believe that once I hit this publish post button, what I've put out there is accepted as truth and no amount of explanation or clarifications will change the initial reaction. This is what started the whole shty storm in the first place, me sending an email that said both some harsh things and some loving things. As per the right of the receiver, she told it how IT MADE HER FEEL, even if I cleaned it up a bit.

This is why I've NEVER written a retraction or even a sincere apology because well these are my words and feelings and honestly people are going to take it how they want.

Yet for all the talk about MY words, MY blog, my, my my, I forgot a simple truth found in both Proverbs 15:1 and in Matthew 12:34. Look them up. Both of these scriptures tell us how to speak, how to defuse tense situations and most important that what comes out of your mouth reflects whats in your heart even for a moment. Since I am walking closer to Jehovah and the light of truth, I have to remember that in my future writings and even on occasion review some older posts which may have stung.

In doing this I realized my recent entry DISAVOWED, was really nothing more than a self indulgent artist expression sorta like Erykah Badu's last album, but without all the bs philosophies and knee deep in pity party emotions.

In that piece I lamented how: my crew turned their backs on me, how Queen left me for dead, and how folks where unjustifiably taunting me. Those were my feelings for that moment.

Yet in that moment of pity, or rather pity seeking, I wasn't totally honest and took a lot of creative liberates. I feel back on the notion of "a certain point of view" and in doing so I upset a shit load of people.

The truth is BFL didnt rally to my side not because they didnt care, but they understood as painful as this situation was, as hurt (not heartbroken) as I was, I had come through more. As I was told at the Cinco De Mayo celebration on Tuesday, I was a survivor, a fighter, and a scholar. They simple thought that once I got it through my thick arse head to fall back and chill, I'd save my kingdom. So what I took as "abandonment", was nothing more than "I know you can beat this champ" kinda encouragement. Had I taken the time to stop, pause, think, ask, and then write I wouldn't have hurt my crew who has loved me for ten plus years.

My queen hasn't ignored me, she just hasnt responded how I wanted and said what I needed to hear. Honestly when I saw her at the celebration, I saw the sadness in her eyes and understood why she stays away and why she doesn't respond in the manner I want her too. That is key because she does/do/will respond if I truly need her, but she is doing something I never learned to do and that is protect the emotional and mental investment of her heart and mind. Her eyes was not of hate and scorn but disappointment and confusion. Where was the King she longed to see, the king that she hopped of the truck that night to see and gave the most passionate I love you and kiss too.

He's been missing since Feb 28th. He's been focusing on all the wrong things and he's just been plain whack. I'm not saying she didn't make mistakes or hasn't been a bit stubborn, but what I am saying is the Teacher she feel in love with was supplanted by the King and he was a total asshole. Honestly, I wouldn't respond at all. But yet she keeps subtly reaching out. As painful as it is to type and admit this, if she has moved on she has deserved it. If she has forgotten about me then I have deserved it. Nickjack once told me that I push and push and push and sometimes I push the wrong button and then damn, I'm here a month out typing this instead of enjoying the weather with her and my suns. Lessons learned, meaning made, personality profile updated.

Lastly, I can't be mad at W.Y, S.B. or anybody else who is laughing at my utter fall out. I willfully shitted on a lot of folks for Queen, and its pretty arrogant to think I wasn't going to have some kind of repercussions. I'm lucky, to be honest, one of them didn't plant a blade in my neck. So while I whined about how their mocking me, I need to remember that I threw their championship belt in the trash on Monday Nitro. (Hmmm, that analogy just gave me an idea for my next blog series. Good job at self motivation) I acted careless and this is simply the consequence of my actions. I'm not saying I made a mistake in leaving, that was still the best decision I've ever made, what I am saying is I could have been a little more respectful and careful and for that I apologize.

With this blog, the entry disavowed is retcon'ed. Its from an alternate history. Its like Bobby Ewing in the shower. It didn't happen.

To BFL I'm sorry, to the scorned ones I'm sorry and to Queen well I would say I'm sorry but I've apologized so much its almost meaningless. Oh what the hell. I'm deeply sorry.

Now I need to go lay down, this flu is killing me

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-7-2009
8:45pm