The Duel of Fates: Egos and Super Egos

"A House Divided Against itself can not stand"~President Abraham Lincoln

I was eating alone in the bar the other night when I noticed two brothers sitting behind me one eating coffee and the other drinking vodka. They seemed to be engaged in a most heated conversation I had a chance to overhear...

"You don't look well. What's wrong"

"I'm just frustrated that's all. This shit got me sad, angry and annoyed all at once."

"I understand. But what's done is done. We cant chance the past"

"No but we can be granted a chance at redemption."

"Redemption isn't a right, as the old adage goes, it's a privilege."

"That's bullshit and you know it. Everybody has a right to redeem themselves!"

"Redemption comes from within. Outside acknowledgment isn't a prerequisite."

"So why then do we seek it from Jehovah?"

"I would hardly call the the creator of worlds an outside acknowledgment. I mean God is in you is he not?"

"You and that intellectual coyness. I hate that shit."

"But I am right."

The twin drinking vodka drinks it down in one gulp. He motions to the waitress. She comes over.

"Bring me another, and this time I'd like vodka with my cranberry juice please"

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Nope. There is never enough."

"Isn't that the attitude that got us here?"

"Nope it's that over analytical mind. Had you just spoke up in the beginning"

"It wasn't time."

"Man go on with that mess"

The waitress brings over the vodka...which has a pink hue and some more coffee. The mellow brother thanks her and continues on....

"For the record, it was your emotional outburst that got us here, and for the record it was the old outburst of old that was used as a character reference."

"And it was that insane moral code of yours that told you to reactivate that nut which killed the rest of the credibility."

"A moral code you SHARE by the way. But I'll eat that. Sometimes I do shit when that is morally praise worthy but not morally obligatory"

"Heh. You mean you do extra shit to feel good about yourself at night."

The vodka drinker takes a drink and then lowers his head......

"What is to be done brother?"

"Nothing."

"Don't tell me knowing. You're the smartest guy I know"

"Which is why I said nothing. I've crunched the numbers and ran the plots. We've got to accept this fate"

The the vodka drinker looks up with tears in his eyes and on his face....

"Rule 99"

The other brother shakes his head

"Stay on her mind. If it was only that simple now....I'm mean I'm sure..."

"Why cant it be that simple sir?"

"Let me finish. I'm sure we stay on her mind. She's lying if she says otherwise and you're delusional if we believe that lie. The issue is not on us per se, but on her to look from a different lens."

"Man you talk to much. Seriously. Does she think on it or not."

"I do believe I answered it."

The brother again takes his vodka to the head and suddenly jumps up....

"Fuck this. I'm going to go call her, go over there something..."

The other brother stands up to intercept him. He puts his hand on his chest

"I can not allow you to do this. It was ill advised action like this that put the whole series of events into motion. You do this..."

"Get your hands offa me...."

"You do this and it gets worse. Please. Listen."

The angry brother pushes the calmer one's hand away and sits down...

"You're full of shit"

"No you're drunk and emotional. I need for you to listen. Look we've been fighting each other for almost 6 months. Countries can't withstand a 6 month civil war. Do you think we can? A house divided can not stand. Seriously. It's not a matter of you being right or me being right. It's a matter of what's right. Brother, what's right is for us to accept this. Together we can do what we want. That is what got us to the dance. That perfect blend. But we started fighting over methodology, intellect vs emotion, smooth vs cool. All the shit that didn't matter. We both are the best and we both should have worked together. The minute we started fighting we got depressed and both of us made mistakes. Now it's not our time. I need your skills in other areas. I know it hurts. I'm lonely too. I'm sad too. I feel the injustice too. But I fight through that shit. Right now though, I want to stop fighting with my other half okay?"

The other brother nods in agreement. The rational words seem to have soothed his anger and sadness...

"You're right. It's not fair. There is no justice. I am angry. I am lonely. But I can't force my way it...that would make me like "her." So OK I'll chill...So what's next for us?"

The other brother smiles, beginnings to speak but his words are inaudible. I can't hear him. Wiping their tears away the brothers embrace, pay for the check and leave...

"Sir are you ready to order?"

I look up and the waitress is staring at me.

"I think so."

She chuckles kinda nervously. "I thought you were one of those drunk guys that come in here and fall asleep. I ready to call the police."

I look at my phone and I had been at the table almost 25 minutes with just the coffee and bread on my table. Embarrassed I immediately apologize.

"I am so sorry. I am ready to order. I just got lost in my thoughts".

The waitress smiles. "You looked like you were lost in your thoughts. Whatever it is, I hope you work it out."

"If only it were that simple."

"It is that simple. Do you pray?"

"Sometimes and other times I try"

"Then you need to try harder. Whatever it is that's eating you is killing you. And that pisses the lord off. I ain't gonna preach, but I'll pray for you. Now what you gone eat...."

I smile and order....and remember to pray when my food arrives.

This Duel of Fates has reached its climax....and soon the end.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

9-6-2009

11:30pm

The Duel of Fates: A Better Tomorrow

Author's Note: This blog is dedicated all of those who over the past week helped me believe in a Better Tomorrow, specifically four people who have in one way or another helped shape my current mind set: My Son Centrell, Brother Andre Russell, Soror L.R.Jones, and an old friend. ~TLT

"Give it a rest sir"~Author Unknown,
but a player for the opposite team

"All the pieces matter" ~Lester Freeman

Yesterday marked the 150th day of my campaign to be heard, seen, and re-evaluated. Like my comic book idol Batman I had planned on leaving holding a solemn vigil to reflect brood on the past five months. Indeed, this situation is my Jason Todd, my Robin suit in the Batcave, forever emotionally changing me.

However, in the best laid plans of mice and men that was not to be....

I got a text message yesterday morning from my dear Brother Andre informing me that the woman that helped raise him, his grandmother, had made her transition. Brother Andre is one of my dearest friends, a council member, and we have gone the entire circle of ambivalence, enemies and ultimately allies. If I can use pop culture as a reference: He is Superman to my Batman. In a sense of life imitating art our friend has evolved as such. So naturally when I learned he lost his grandmother, it immediately put my "mourning" on hold. Dre faced this day with dignity and courage; while he is undoubtedly in pain he has kept his cool, something I haven't done often enough, and stood tall. We had drinks last night and he accepted his reality, no matter how shitty it makes him feel. In our conversation he reminded me that he and I had gone through so much more, that while we are hurting at all times we must remember that we are Black Studies, we are a part of a legacy and we are children of Armstead. That only requires we hold our head high, even in the face of utter defeat and swag. Pity and self loathing rarely are sexy qualities in a Prime Minister. I have done, I think, a little too much of pity and self loathing. I can only reflect so much before it turns into brooding and brooding is never good for the soul. Until all are one I'm going to drink with my friend, remember his grandmother who supported our work in Black Studies with a gentle smile and kind words, remember how he hugged me when my own father died and do what I do best, Stand by my friends.

At the same time in the same place:

My new friend, Soror Shulamite Woman (L.R.J) is leaving for a fresh start in MS. It's funny to type my new friend because this Soror used to loathe me; rather she hated my public persona of a rebel without a cause and pause I use to hide behind during the Nicole era. Somehow we began speaking on FB, my status messages showing her that I was no longer a rambunctious ass, but a multifaceted brother. During the next two months, we have drawn close, sharing joys and pains; secrets and insight. In looking at my Soror celebrate her departure, I realized that our friendship was another chance at redemption; another chance to do it over and right, another chance to affirm my word is bond. I succeeded in doing all of those things and earned another night of sleep. I will forever love my Soror for this moment, a chance to go from Saul to Paul and to heal wounds. More importantly her leaving reminded me of a time past, when I got real scummy at a neighborhood party with some of the local "organization members" and just was off my square. One of the elders of the group, walked up to me put his arms on my shoulders and said "Lawyerman (my old hood nickname) this aint for you. You had enough and its time to go." He walked me through the gang way that lead to our houses and I went home. Last night I used same story to convey to her that I was proud she was stepping and out leaving all the hurt behind, and the nonsense and starting over. Touching her on the shoulders I echoed the same words and wished her godspeed and let her know what this friendship meant to me. In a moment of brilliance she looked at me and repeated me back "it's not for you T." I understood. Later in the evening she sent me a text reminding of my worth and quality. It's heartwarming when people truly see you for who you are and not what they want you to be.

It's funny that while we were celebrating, a friend of hers, one who wishes to be her king became upset at the fact she's leaving and he never got his chance. Instead of forgoing those emotions to celebrate with the woman he loves and enjoy that moment he sat outside and in the corner, he sulked, he brooded, he pouted and outside of the moments of compassion and concern when she went and checked on him, she was not going to allow that to stop her night. She was sadden by the fact he was hurt, but she had to move on.

I thought about me and (the) Queen (my Black Butterfly) and wondered if that is how she sees me...a brooding giant who can't/couldn't stop long enough to enjoy the moment. I wondered if that was how the village saw me, an annoying whiner who just couldn't accept reality. Either way I didn't want to be like that and seeing how it looks from a difference perspective made me understand that like all those years ago I have had enough, this may not be for me and it is time to go home.

I will miss my friend's physical presence, but thanks to Facebook and Blackberry we will never be apart. I pray MS is good to her; Jehovah knows she earned it. More importantly I will NEVER forget how she gave me hope and redemption when I didn't quite have either. She proved to me that when given a chance at redemption I could and would indeed show my worth.

Bye my dear Soror. You are loved and will be missed.

Earlier that day...

My oldest heir came to me with a couple of problems. He was having the good old 7th grade relationship complications; you know the kind of relationships where they like you at 8am but by lunch time thanks to friends and grade school politics they no longer like you. He confided in me that his feelings were hurt and that he didn't know what he did wrong. In short he told me all he did was like the girl and be nice and now he was having the worst two days of his life. He asked me what should he do. I offered a number of suggestions for him and to him, but the irony was that after listening my advice he asked did any of this work on (the)Queen. Taken aback, I realized that I had not been a good role model for him in the area of love. I have spent so much time lamenting my issues I have not properly begun his training on Black love and its its complicated forms. Seeing him hurt and not having any definite answers he felt he could trust made me realize that I needed to increase his training and move him towards manhood before he gets to deep into the madness that is teenage relationships.

The second problem he encountered was one of betrayal. We learned his new "friend" and locker partner stole his phone and then later came back and stole his replacement sim card. Again he came to me with answers on why friends hurt each other, why friends can't stay/be nice and how should he get over it. Again I realized I have not imparted wisdom on him, more importantly what answers have I discerned while all of the meditations brooding I have done. I have a son about to enter his teenage years in the City of Chicago and as hurt as I am; as tired as I am I can no longer afford to not pay attention to (or pay more attention) to his training as the trials he will face. My sons deserve no less than my full attention.

Indeed all the pieces matter....

I spoke with my therapist on Wed, who understands my inability "get over it", in fact she gave me the Maze song to help verbalize some of my emotions. As I lamented and talked about the (un)fairness of this situation, she asked me a simple question: "Terrance did you and have you done everything possible to make this situation work. Answer that honestly then the rest will come you." So over the next two days I scoured my old emails, cards, and letters over and over and each time I removed more and more emotion. I realized I made some mistakes. I fucked somethings up, but at the same time none of them were "crimes of intention". They were as I have always said out of ignance than malice. Still in spite of those snafus I gave it all my love with every fiber of my being. I still love it with every fiber of my being. I had nothing to work out and I was ready from day one to build the kingdom. Even as the Black hounds of depression slowly caught up and ultimately over taken me I reminded dedicated to the kingdom and nothing not even the rebellious generals, potential "responsibilities" or unsupportive friends and family altered that truth or made me waiver from that. In short I would have died for that kingdom but ultimately lived for the kingdom that was to be built. This isn't to say that other parties wasn't equally invested; I shant speak for or try to speak for them as tempting as it may be. I believe in my heart they were and evidence supports this. My issue these past 5 months, esp the last month or so was the refusal to see the paradigm with new information; in spite of all that was reveled my honor code and my character was challenged and my integrity was still called in question. Once I asked a former lover with whom I had difficulty (or it was asked of me) "If an imperfect dynamic can make one feel perfect or great what happens if both parties perfect that dynamic?" That was my central question now and IT remains my question now . If I made you feel that good (better than the best) and I wasn't even 60%, what would happen now at say 85%? It's a valid question. It deserves(d) a valid answer.

Yet it needs two people to explore and the hard truth is I have been told that the other party isn't interested in reviewing or answering that question. When compared to the revelations I've seen in the past day I am forced to agree with my snarky mofo comment. It is time to seriously give it a rest. My war to be heard has had a negative effect, it has been seen as character flaw, it has been seen as everything but what it's supposed to be and it honestly the only person who is caring on this level is me. I say this not out of arrogance or snark; it's just a simple truth I am helluva lot more intense than most people. Thus it stands to reason this would effect me in greater detail. But at the same time I can't really apologize for my war or my pain. I can't apologize for my feelings esp when all I heard constantly is the notions of "my, me, mine." Thus in real time and talk fuck whoever cant and wouldn't understand this. I know when I stand before Jehovah and he asks me about the LSC and the Duel I will be able to say to him that I succeed in some areas, faltered in others but I gave it 100 plus 10.

When placed in context of the lessons of standing tall, knowing when it's no longer for you, and the reallocation of resources to a more important objective, I think that it really is time to move forward. I'm not predicting over night, but I am saying it's time. No need to retreat to mountains or hide. No need to be bitter. No need to keep knocking at doors that slam in my face. She is loved..(present tense "ed" not past tense "ed") and if she ever wanted to come back I would do it in a heartbeat, (shame and pride and all that other Post Mod b.s. be damned) but the fact of the matter is this quest has the potential to spin out of control and even though I've mostly blogged and self lamented it still has had far reaching effects. A supporter of writing suggested that I no longer count the days of my lost, but instead count the days of aspiring for "A Better Tomorrow". I think that's the goal esp when I have sons that need me at my best.

One moment and day at a time that will be my goal.

A Breaking Point

Late last night I sat down with an old friend to have a drink or two; it was my way of giving that person a final goodbye that I believe I deserved and was denied during the LSC: a quiet one on one relaxed discussion over drinks; a goodbye date if you will. There were no delusions or false expectations that person would be allowed back into my life. We were not going to discuss us and I might have even given her some had she acted right. It was my intent to give that person one normal night the last night to end on a positive note as a counterbalance to all the negativity we had given each other.

As we sat in the car during that moment of silence that comes with these situations I did the drunk people nod, I closed my eyes for a moment. I slumped in my seat as I had done hundreds of times before hoping to catch a quick catnap to sleep some of the copious amounts of vodka off and to give her a chance to collect her thoughts. Suddenly my old friend who was sitting behind me (she had stated earlier she didn't want to sit next to me and I thought nothing of it) grabbed me in a martial arts choke hold, one I taught her and one that is quite lethal. Normally I could have escaped but my condition and my seating position gave her the higher ground, the weight advantage and basically she had me.

She had me dead to rights.

As air left my body, my thoughts went to my sons, my family, (the)Queen. I said a quick prayer to Jehovah to protect my loved ones and to have mercy on her. I accepted the finality of the situation. She slightly let her grip go, enough for me to speak, barely, but not enough for me to get free and damn sure still lethal, albeit slowly. She then whispered to me "I hate you. Why? After all did you chose her. Will you die for her now?"

I didn't respond. She tightens the hold.

"Answer me Prime Minister !"

"Because of shit like this." I barely can get the words out.

She leans back and I feel my larynx crushing...slowly...and painfully..

I manage to speak into the universe "I love you sons. I am sorry" This angers her.

"You wanna die?" asks as she begins to lean back.

"NO" I whisper. I now realize her grip is again loosened some more. Now its just cracking my neck as opposed to chocking me out right quickly. However, I am getting dizzy and I am losing consciousness.

"You wanted to die for her, you won't die for me"

"No. Tell my boys I'm sorry". She now puts her full weight and strength into the hold.

"This isn't about them you self righteous bastard. This is about us. Look at what you've done to me"

The pain begins to be too much. I utter what I believe will be my last words. "This hurts. Do it or don't."

There is a pause and I believe she gets ready to do it when she lets me go.

Crying hysterically, she asks "Do you hate me?"

By now I've managed to crawl out the car, neck hurt and bruised thankful for the air.

"No. Now leave...." I gasp.

Tearful she stands over me and says "Train them not to be like you." She then disappears into the night.

I decide not to press charges, a decision most will not understand. I created that monster and I realized that I moved her into further insanity with my decisions. The truth is very second I brought her back I set myself up for this moment and I only survived it through Jehovah and a pang of consciousness.

Last Night the General had me. One more snap and this blog becomes way more popular than it is. My sons don't have a dad and her children don't have a mom.

I can not and will not vilify a hurt woman, when I know I've played a part either intentional or unintentional. I understand her mental state and should have taken certain precautions and let her go. I hope today she is seeking professional help, I hope she prayed hard. I hope she has, for her children's sake realized that there is nothing here any more and I truly hope for her she has a Better Tomorrow. As for me I've learned my lesson and it affirmed my decision was right and proper. More than I, she needs to heal and strive for that better tomorrow.

A Better Tomorrow. That's one helluva goal for me to strive for. After the last two days/nights I realize that any other goal is crazy and will undoubtedly bring me to ruin.

I can't have that. I'm better than that and its time I once again find a way to show it...one moment and day at a time

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-5-2009
1:05pm

150

Maze (with the help of Joe) can express what this day means much better than I can....

without further adieu, yet another simple TRUTH.....

I Can't Get Over You

I know I bought it on myself
I owe no blame to no one else
And now I realize
I can't get over you
And though I do my very best
I just can't find happiness
And it's all because
I can't get over you

Hey baby why oh why
Thinking of you makes me cry
Matter how I try
I'm gonna love you by and by
By and by baby

Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
I don't know what to do I
Can't get over you

I guess you'll always have a part
Somewhere deep in my heart
It's just to hard to hide
I can't get over you
I tried to lose myself in song
But the ties are much to strong
What I'm I going to do
I can't get over you

It makes feel so bad
Messin up the love we had
There's one thing I know
I will always love you so
Love you so baby Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh
I can't get over you
I can't get over you
I can't get over you
I can't get over you

Thanks Maze...I owe you one...
(I would have used you Jackie, but I figured Maze and Joe was a lil better)

The struggle continues, in spirit, when physical is not appropriate,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-4-2009
12:30am

The Duel of Fates: Wilderness Trek

Don't feel like writing much tonight.

I just want to go home.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-2-2009
1:29a

The Sun Of The Mourning Pt.3: Altered Deals and Saving Grace

"Man I gotta get my soul right"~ Jay Z

It's 69 degrees and the wind is blowing perfectly from the east. Each slight breeze is a gentle massage on my skin. Anybody who knows me knows I love weather like this; the perfect 69 degrees reminds me of Nashville and when time was simpler and with a small pang of guilt life in the B.C. era.

I stood in the park enjoying the late night breeze, mediating on the weeks events; completing the meaning and struggling to find balance. Of course this moment towards balance was complicated by the swigs of Effen Black Cherry I was taking. Still the slight buzz and breeze continued to take over my body and relax my tight muscles. I was able to see the world, without time, and attempt to make sense out of my life.

As I stood there humming the lyrics to People Get Ready by Curtis Mayfield, the breeze that had so relaxed me stopped; in its place a gust of heat that seemed to turn this quiet night into a 99 degree day. Without missing a sip I turned and saw him walking towards me, each step a perfect stride, sporting a cream polo, blazer and jeans, and hair faded to the 9's. Par the course, he was the perfect mirror image to my current ragged state. I took another swig of vodka and tried to, as humanly possible, prepare myself for tonight's encounter.

"Good Evening Mr. Thomas" he said in an all to familiar voice, her voice, each step pronounced by the sounds of his feet hitting the pavement.

I don't speak. I take another swig of vodka.

He walks right up and stands next to me.

"The camp of a defeated army. Boy I never get tired of this scene. It's something poetically funny about seeing the hopes and dreams of people so determined smashed into bits don't you agree?"

I still don't respond. Instead I take another sip.

He points at the flask and laughs. "No Seagram's Apple tonight? Man a nigga get a job and now he wanna buy Effen, bougie muthafucka".

I still don't respond.

"Guess who I saw tonight? Heh she was looking good. Smelled good too. He got to be hitting that good and raw. I wonder if he stares with the same intensity..."

He is cut off by my sloppy swing. The first one grazes him, but the second is easily deflected as he blocks my arm and kicks my left leg out.

"Liquid Courage has been the downfall of many men. Don't let it be yours. Now pick yourself up. Somebody walks by and they'll see a drunk man in the grass." He extends his hand to help me up. "Let's play nice tonight Mr. Thomas." Every time he fucking says that I wanna scream but I don't let it show on my face.

Shaking off his punch and struggling for breath I finally speak to him.

"You're interrupting my meditations" I say as I finally take his hand and come to my feet.

"Meditations? Who? You? LOL. Ha Com.e.dy. Mr. Thomas you don't mediate. You brood. If you truly were meditating you would have discerned the answer by now."

"I'm so not in the mood for you."

"Why is that? You deal with strangers on your blog. What makes me different. At least you can see me."

"Can we get to the point? Does my "test" start now?

He laughs and it is a deep soul moving laugh. "No, I've changed my mind. No test for you."

"Interesting and why is that?"

"Simply you're not broken enough. I need you a lil more dilapidated than this."

I make a face and look at him "It doesn't get worse than this."

"Man, you don't know how bad it's going to get".

I walk right up to his face and tell him "Fuck you."

"Oh you mean like..." his words drift off. "You ALWAYS set yourself up for that."

"I heard you're a liar" and I turn and walk away.

He chuckles. "Stop talking to baptists. They'll steer you always steer you wrong."

He is beside me again, moving as if he teleported.

"Look Mr. Thomas, I got a deal for you. A better deal. Even you wont be able to say no to this one".

Sighing frustratedly and in a mocking tone I respond "Do an act of worship to me and all the kingdoms will be mine right?" For the first time in any of our encounters I laugh at HIM. I turn to keep walking.

His face gives away his annoyance. "Even better."

I keep walking.

"What could a man do with a 72 hr advance notice? Better yet Mr. Thomas what would you DO with a 72 hr advance notice" he asks curiously.

My stride slows and then stops. I turn around to face him. I am now feeling the full effects of the vodka and the world is blurry and unstable. The only thing I can see clearly is him.

"I could do miracles and prevent disasters with that kind of head start"

He pulls out his golden apple and takes a bite.

"I know. 72 hrs. That's a big lead"

My feet begin to move and I don't know why; he was away but now in this blurry world he's the only thing that is clear, close and not moving in circles.

"So what are you saying?" I ask my voice no longer strong, the whine I've come to hate returning...

"I am saying to give me what I want and when you wake up it will be April 2nd."

"2009?"

"Yes April 1st 2009. And the only trick will be you will know what is gonna happen...up until April 5. I'm offering you a reboot, a do over, and a cheat sheet"

I try to swallow and the lump in my throat hurts. I take a swig of vodka and there is no more. Did he just offer me a do over? A chance to prevent it all? I pull out BH2, hoping for a sign. My phone is dead.

Smirking he says "Oh I turned that off. I don't want us to be interrupted. What were you looking for Mr. Thomas? A sign? From him? You've done it his way. And what did you get? What have you gotten? Some other man fucking your wife? Ridicule? I'm offering you a fucking do over and you're standing there looking dofus like. Take the fucking deal Terrance. He tilts his head. If not for you do it for the boys." As he finishes his smirk turns into a full smile.

I feel the tears flowing from my eyes, I feel the hurt inside and I feel it all overwhelming me. My chest wants to explode, my head hurts and my right hand is extending.

I do what until that moment is unthinkable. I give him my right hand. I take the apple from him.

He takes my hand and it burns as I grasp his. The pain is a necessary side effect "No tricks?" I ask.

"None. When you open your eyes it will be April 2nd and you'll have all the knowledge you need."

I nod.

"Now you need to kneel".

I feel my legs giving out and my body going heavy. This is wrong, but right, its necessary. I've done it right and got nothing. Why not try him I reason?

Suddenly he turns and looks. His face blazing with anger. He lets my hand go and I notice he expression isn't anger but fear. Something has made afraid.

"We finish this later."

And then he is gone....

I stand in the park unsure of how to feel. He had me. He won. Why did he let me go. What MADE him let me go.

I decide its finally time to go home. I'm standing in the middle of a park on 79th drunk and that is a sure "get your ass locked up" combination.

I stumble across to the bus stop and there is an elderly sister I assume is one of the many hobo's riding the 79th street bus at 3am. I speak politely so she won't think I'm a threat and mess around and mace me or something, thereby making my crazy night worse.

"Good evening ma'am"

She smiles and speaks in a peaceful almost southern tone

"Hi baby." As if she's studying me, she asks "you OK? its to late for you to be out. Your wife is gonna be mad if something happens to you. Ain't nothing out this late but trouble"

"I don't have a wife, not any more at least" I say. Then I add "I'm already in trouble"

She nods "Yeah that's why I screamed for that man you was fighting and arguing with to leave you alone. He looked like he was gonna hurt you"

Now my face is puzzled. "What man?" I ask trying to be coy

"That evil man over there. Had I not said something he surely was gonna hurt you."

Suddenly my buzz is gone. Now I am wondering if ......

She walks up and touches my face. "Mr. Thomas, Mr. Thomas I know this is hard. I know this hurts but it is going to be better. You're not forgotten, disliked, hated and you ARE LOVED and thought about. Do not believe his lies.

She turns and begins to walk away. "Your soul depends on you remembering this. Baby the Duel of Fates is real"

I stand there stunned and in amazement. "Thank you" I say now tearful again.

She smiles. "You're welcome baby. One more thing. Have you discerned how he gets to you? Have you figured out what gives him the in path?"

"Thinking about her?"

"No. Your thoughts are love. He uses that as the red herring. When you discern how he gets to you, then you'll stop leaving him that opening."

She walks away and I lose her in the darkness....

Suddenly my phone buzzes and I get a text message. It's an old message but now it's in my new file.

"Mr. Thomas only Jehovah truly knows."

I shake my head when I realize that I was saved by an angel. I was about to yield and I was had to be saved.

That doesn't make me feel to good.

I go home and go to bed. I hold my young son as I try to make sense of tonight's events and how I was about to, had given in only to be saved. This will fuck with me for a while...this situation will fuck with me for a while. Man I gotta get my soul right...before I mess up my WHOLE life.

I need to figure out his in....

And prepare for the next encounter

The Duel of Fates Rages on.........

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-1-2009
5:30am