The Sun Of The Mourning Pt.3: Altered Deals and Saving Grace

"Man I gotta get my soul right"~ Jay Z

It's 69 degrees and the wind is blowing perfectly from the east. Each slight breeze is a gentle massage on my skin. Anybody who knows me knows I love weather like this; the perfect 69 degrees reminds me of Nashville and when time was simpler and with a small pang of guilt life in the B.C. era.

I stood in the park enjoying the late night breeze, mediating on the weeks events; completing the meaning and struggling to find balance. Of course this moment towards balance was complicated by the swigs of Effen Black Cherry I was taking. Still the slight buzz and breeze continued to take over my body and relax my tight muscles. I was able to see the world, without time, and attempt to make sense out of my life.

As I stood there humming the lyrics to People Get Ready by Curtis Mayfield, the breeze that had so relaxed me stopped; in its place a gust of heat that seemed to turn this quiet night into a 99 degree day. Without missing a sip I turned and saw him walking towards me, each step a perfect stride, sporting a cream polo, blazer and jeans, and hair faded to the 9's. Par the course, he was the perfect mirror image to my current ragged state. I took another swig of vodka and tried to, as humanly possible, prepare myself for tonight's encounter.

"Good Evening Mr. Thomas" he said in an all to familiar voice, her voice, each step pronounced by the sounds of his feet hitting the pavement.

I don't speak. I take another swig of vodka.

He walks right up and stands next to me.

"The camp of a defeated army. Boy I never get tired of this scene. It's something poetically funny about seeing the hopes and dreams of people so determined smashed into bits don't you agree?"

I still don't respond. Instead I take another sip.

He points at the flask and laughs. "No Seagram's Apple tonight? Man a nigga get a job and now he wanna buy Effen, bougie muthafucka".

I still don't respond.

"Guess who I saw tonight? Heh she was looking good. Smelled good too. He got to be hitting that good and raw. I wonder if he stares with the same intensity..."

He is cut off by my sloppy swing. The first one grazes him, but the second is easily deflected as he blocks my arm and kicks my left leg out.

"Liquid Courage has been the downfall of many men. Don't let it be yours. Now pick yourself up. Somebody walks by and they'll see a drunk man in the grass." He extends his hand to help me up. "Let's play nice tonight Mr. Thomas." Every time he fucking says that I wanna scream but I don't let it show on my face.

Shaking off his punch and struggling for breath I finally speak to him.

"You're interrupting my meditations" I say as I finally take his hand and come to my feet.

"Meditations? Who? You? LOL. Ha Com.e.dy. Mr. Thomas you don't mediate. You brood. If you truly were meditating you would have discerned the answer by now."

"I'm so not in the mood for you."

"Why is that? You deal with strangers on your blog. What makes me different. At least you can see me."

"Can we get to the point? Does my "test" start now?

He laughs and it is a deep soul moving laugh. "No, I've changed my mind. No test for you."

"Interesting and why is that?"

"Simply you're not broken enough. I need you a lil more dilapidated than this."

I make a face and look at him "It doesn't get worse than this."

"Man, you don't know how bad it's going to get".

I walk right up to his face and tell him "Fuck you."

"Oh you mean like..." his words drift off. "You ALWAYS set yourself up for that."

"I heard you're a liar" and I turn and walk away.

He chuckles. "Stop talking to baptists. They'll steer you always steer you wrong."

He is beside me again, moving as if he teleported.

"Look Mr. Thomas, I got a deal for you. A better deal. Even you wont be able to say no to this one".

Sighing frustratedly and in a mocking tone I respond "Do an act of worship to me and all the kingdoms will be mine right?" For the first time in any of our encounters I laugh at HIM. I turn to keep walking.

His face gives away his annoyance. "Even better."

I keep walking.

"What could a man do with a 72 hr advance notice? Better yet Mr. Thomas what would you DO with a 72 hr advance notice" he asks curiously.

My stride slows and then stops. I turn around to face him. I am now feeling the full effects of the vodka and the world is blurry and unstable. The only thing I can see clearly is him.

"I could do miracles and prevent disasters with that kind of head start"

He pulls out his golden apple and takes a bite.

"I know. 72 hrs. That's a big lead"

My feet begin to move and I don't know why; he was away but now in this blurry world he's the only thing that is clear, close and not moving in circles.

"So what are you saying?" I ask my voice no longer strong, the whine I've come to hate returning...

"I am saying to give me what I want and when you wake up it will be April 2nd."

"2009?"

"Yes April 1st 2009. And the only trick will be you will know what is gonna happen...up until April 5. I'm offering you a reboot, a do over, and a cheat sheet"

I try to swallow and the lump in my throat hurts. I take a swig of vodka and there is no more. Did he just offer me a do over? A chance to prevent it all? I pull out BH2, hoping for a sign. My phone is dead.

Smirking he says "Oh I turned that off. I don't want us to be interrupted. What were you looking for Mr. Thomas? A sign? From him? You've done it his way. And what did you get? What have you gotten? Some other man fucking your wife? Ridicule? I'm offering you a fucking do over and you're standing there looking dofus like. Take the fucking deal Terrance. He tilts his head. If not for you do it for the boys." As he finishes his smirk turns into a full smile.

I feel the tears flowing from my eyes, I feel the hurt inside and I feel it all overwhelming me. My chest wants to explode, my head hurts and my right hand is extending.

I do what until that moment is unthinkable. I give him my right hand. I take the apple from him.

He takes my hand and it burns as I grasp his. The pain is a necessary side effect "No tricks?" I ask.

"None. When you open your eyes it will be April 2nd and you'll have all the knowledge you need."

I nod.

"Now you need to kneel".

I feel my legs giving out and my body going heavy. This is wrong, but right, its necessary. I've done it right and got nothing. Why not try him I reason?

Suddenly he turns and looks. His face blazing with anger. He lets my hand go and I notice he expression isn't anger but fear. Something has made afraid.

"We finish this later."

And then he is gone....

I stand in the park unsure of how to feel. He had me. He won. Why did he let me go. What MADE him let me go.

I decide its finally time to go home. I'm standing in the middle of a park on 79th drunk and that is a sure "get your ass locked up" combination.

I stumble across to the bus stop and there is an elderly sister I assume is one of the many hobo's riding the 79th street bus at 3am. I speak politely so she won't think I'm a threat and mess around and mace me or something, thereby making my crazy night worse.

"Good evening ma'am"

She smiles and speaks in a peaceful almost southern tone

"Hi baby." As if she's studying me, she asks "you OK? its to late for you to be out. Your wife is gonna be mad if something happens to you. Ain't nothing out this late but trouble"

"I don't have a wife, not any more at least" I say. Then I add "I'm already in trouble"

She nods "Yeah that's why I screamed for that man you was fighting and arguing with to leave you alone. He looked like he was gonna hurt you"

Now my face is puzzled. "What man?" I ask trying to be coy

"That evil man over there. Had I not said something he surely was gonna hurt you."

Suddenly my buzz is gone. Now I am wondering if ......

She walks up and touches my face. "Mr. Thomas, Mr. Thomas I know this is hard. I know this hurts but it is going to be better. You're not forgotten, disliked, hated and you ARE LOVED and thought about. Do not believe his lies.

She turns and begins to walk away. "Your soul depends on you remembering this. Baby the Duel of Fates is real"

I stand there stunned and in amazement. "Thank you" I say now tearful again.

She smiles. "You're welcome baby. One more thing. Have you discerned how he gets to you? Have you figured out what gives him the in path?"

"Thinking about her?"

"No. Your thoughts are love. He uses that as the red herring. When you discern how he gets to you, then you'll stop leaving him that opening."

She walks away and I lose her in the darkness....

Suddenly my phone buzzes and I get a text message. It's an old message but now it's in my new file.

"Mr. Thomas only Jehovah truly knows."

I shake my head when I realize that I was saved by an angel. I was about to yield and I was had to be saved.

That doesn't make me feel to good.

I go home and go to bed. I hold my young son as I try to make sense of tonight's events and how I was about to, had given in only to be saved. This will fuck with me for a while...this situation will fuck with me for a while. Man I gotta get my soul right...before I mess up my WHOLE life.

I need to figure out his in....

And prepare for the next encounter

The Duel of Fates Rages on.........

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9-1-2009
5:30am

The Sun of the Mourning Pt.2:Knowledge and Wisdom

"But he got a righteous cause for sinning"~ Jay Z

My hands wouldn't stop shaking as I raced home, ashamed of my actions but even more surprised that I just did the unthinkable. It was the hardest ride I've ever taken, probably harder than that lonely ride home I took on April 4th; this ride was made worse because I had violated my honor code and word. Making it home was an act of Jah, a miracle, because not only did I have to fight the urge to throw up, I also had to fight a dizziness and darkness slowly overtaking me.

I pulled up in front of my house barely able to contain the bitter vomit filling my throat and mouth. As I opened the door everything I've ever eaten came up with a fury brought on by a sense of illness only a man like me could muster at a time like this. I catch my breath for a moment and I throw up again. And again. And again; each time shaking my body and hurting my stomach and throat.

Finally I got a reprieve, and I was able to compose myself long enough to get out, lock up the car and walk to the house. I make it to the door when the vomiting spells came again and I rush to my back yard dropping to my knees. This time my throwing up spells are compounded by tears flowing from my eyes, now adding the bitter taste of salt to the bile filling my mouth. I see the reflection of myself in a small puddle of water. I can't make out the image; I just see the dark silhouette of a man who had just broke one of his own commandments and now had to add that to the laundry list of things to haunt his soul.

As I try to gain composure of my body I felt hot, I felt dizzy and then I felt the darkness embrace me and calm me. I shook my head in disbelief because I knew this feeling; I knew who this was and what he wanted and this time I was afraid I may not be strong enough to fight him off. He was coming to collect on our agreement made at our first meeting.

He walked up to me right as I started throwing up, my vomit landing on his shoes. I try to turn away but can't. Oddly enough he doesn't get angry.

"Wow. These are my favorite Tims. How you gone throw up on them?" he asks matter of factly.

"My bad. Upset stomach" I respond wiping my mouth.

"Not a problem Mr. Thomas." he answers, motioning towards his shoes and erasing the nastiness like an erase on a pencil. Somehow he manages to sound like the only person to call me what without sounding like that person. It's as if he is running his nails on a chalkboard.

"Been a while since I've seen you. Last time we meet you were here..." and he pauses...his voice caring a sense of snarky irony "in almost the same state lamenting the same problem. Wow. How is that for progress?"

"Fuck you" I say struggling to get up.

"No don't fuck me. I ain't the one you wanna fuck" he says. His voice full of arrogance and crude humor.

I look him in my eye and there he stands. A mirror image of me, wearing a Black button up shirt, dark jeans and Timberland's with the sharpest haircut I've seen ever.

He's also eating a golden apple and holding a bottle of water.

"Looks like you've lost a ton of fluids. You wanna bite?" as he extends his apple to me.

"You know I don't want that shit" I say my anger boiling.

"You sure. You could use it." he pushes it towards me. This time I slowly accept it and take a bite. "Heh. That apple has gotten so many people in trouble. Folks always wanna know."

I realize that I have taken a bite of the apple that destroyed paradise, the fruit of knowledge, a bit of spiritual irony because the acquisition of knowledge (or non acquisition) at the wrong time can destroy paradise. I spit it out.

"Such theatrics. Don't be so gay. Don't you want to know?" He asks.

"No. I don't." I say as I struggle to sit on the stairs. He walks up to me and touches my cheek.

It's a familiar touch one that gives me shivers but is so uncomfortable coming from him.

"You are such a fucking liar. If you didn't want to know you wouldn't have________________. I mean wow. I expected such a thing from that lil general of yours, but your the Prime Minister. Wow!". Of course he puts "Prime Minister" in air quotes to add an effect. Shaking his head he continues. "It's only natural to want to know. I mean you're locked out. I've seen her. I'd wanna know who was touching that skin too. I assure you he's having fun."

"That's Wei Yan logic...." I say.

"And she's your mirror image" he chimes in and cuts me off. "You use the same logic too accept maybe you're a bit more.....grounded. Maybe."

I growl at him. " I am nothing like her. There are similarities yes. We're similar but NOT the same. She's crazy." I answer.

He cuts me off again. "No she's brilliant and she understands that these rules you've built are tired defense mechanisms of a man who truly wants to cut lose. Unlike you, for all your bravado, she is prepared to do what must be done." Then he laughs and adds "The student has out mastered the teacher."

Enraged I swing at him, but unlike our first encounter he doens't allow me to touch him. He easily deflects my sloppy punch by grabbing my hand and brings me to my knees.

"I tire of this T. You're not Jacob. You don't get to contend with this angel and live. Why can't you be honest?" he asks applying more and more pressure with each syllable.

Barely able to talk from the pain I try to formulate an answer "I have an honor code and rules. You don't break the rules". It feels like my hand is going to explode.

"Really? Interesting." he says as he loosens his grip. Suddenly he taps into my latent gift "The world without time" and he transports me to the moment when I send the Facebook message. "Where were the rules then?" He asks. I try to knock on the window and speak and tell that fool in the car to stop. But I can't. I can only cry as I watch him hit send. I close my eyes and suddenly I'm on her porch, anger in her eyes and she won't listen. I try to step up and intervene but I cant move. I watch the young man leave the porch dejected, knowing he has no idea of what is to come.

He let's my hand go. I am sitting on the ground crying now.

"Where were the rules and that prepared mind then Mr. Thomas?"

I muster enough to say "Fuck you! You don't get to call me that"

"Ah Fuck me? Like he's doing her?" he asks. Then he leans closer "I wonder what she calls him?"

With a quickness I never experienced I am able to gain balance and I get one good kick into his ribs and it stuns him nothing more. He laughs.

"Excellent T. Excellent T! Now let's use this for some real shit. You owe me a test. You think you ready for it. Same terms apply."

"I catch my breath and I sigh. "Yes. I've been ready. You didn't follow up."

"You think I'm going to tell you when I am gonna test you? Nah that would make this Duel of Fates shit soooooo pointless. Oh by the way you have a message on BH2."

I look down at my phone and there is a message. I open it and it's a blog.

With as much cruelty he can muster he asks me "Still think you gonna get YOUR file review?"

I close my eyes and end the message. I say to him "whenever you're ready."

He laughs again...this time his voice like crush glass. "Nah. You need sleep" His laughter and my slumping on the stairs are the last thing I awaken an hour later sweaty and stinking of vomit.

Drained, ashamed, sad and dejected I go in the house, take a long shower and lay in the bed. I'm tired. I am. I haven't had a bad day like this in a month or so and his visit only made it worse. I close my eyes and try to get some sleep, but I can't. In the early stages of the Duel of Fates I have lost a friend and I will sense there will be more loses to come. He also makes sense. The probability of my file review is low, and if past is prologue and a blueprint it may not bode well even if I did. This is not the reconciliation of opposites I have envisioned.

I toss and turn for a moment when my phone beeps and I get a text message. It simply reads "Don't read to much into the blog T. I know you. In your Duel of Fates things will seem like something they are not. Just keep praying to Jah for discernment and how to handle these trying times. The best preparation is to not to focus on being prepared. With love M_________"

I close my eyes and say a prayer to Jehovah. That message was right on time. It was honest. It was his gift to me; a reminder of how to act in these moments that will surely happen again. I will need him during this Duel of Fates.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

4-28-2009

12:01pm

Past as Prologue

"If you don't know your past then you don't know your future" ~Malcolm X

In the aftermath of the "Love Supreme Crisis", (well rather in the aftermath of the more brutal parts of the storm) one of the more complicated problems presently is what to do with all of this emotional baggage and scars I have acquired, some of them red badges of courage and some of them scars of shame, but all of them very real to my existence and affirmation that I have grown immensely and that Jehovah has helped me through.

As I continue to make sense of that/this trying period and categorize memories and lessons, one of the constant piece of advise I keep getting is "leave it in the past" or "its all in the past. It doesn't matter." All good pieces of advise on the surface except for one small nagging reality:

The past is directly related to the present. To be more accurate the time line of past, present and future are interconnected. It can't be ignored, buried, hidden, lied about, altered, put behind you or any of that other nonsense we like to spew in this lovely post modern age.

It is amazing that the primary proponents of this nonsense philosophy, The Black Community gains its very strength by embracing our victories of the past as evidence of future triumphs. I mean isn't that in our national anthem: "Full of the faith that the dark past has taught us"?

I mean if the past doesn't matter why do we take pride in our college degrees, credit scores, personal victories, or career accomplishments. If the past doesn't matter then why do we want to know about the lives and past habits of our leaders, both secular and religious, as a measuring stick of their ability to lead us or govern us. If the past doesn't matter why do we even bother with resumes? Or why do employers, financial institutions and the judicial system all keep tabs on what was done as a gauge as to what we will do with sometimes eerie accuracy? If the past didn't matter why then do we always teach the story of God's deliverance of Israel and Christ's sacrifice since it happened so long ago? Why do we want reparations? Or have an on going civil and human rights movement? Or why did we cry so hard when Obama won the Presidency?

Let's kick this up a notch shall we? Why do we keep a sex offender registry? Why do parents check their area zip codes to find out where these people live? I mean would any of us live in a building with a convicted rapist, repeat offender or not? Would you let such a person babysit for you? Or send your child to their day care? I mean didn't these people pay their debt to society? It is in their past right? Why worry about it?

Right....as I thought. So the whole "the past doesn't matter" "let us never speak of it again" "get over it" concept when placed against a scale of logic and reason is well...bullshit. In fact Bill Cosby can sum my response best when faced with such faulty logic:

"The dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life"

Thank you Cosby Show for that lesson to grow on...moving on.

The past has helped us become who we are, and it is sometimes a great indicator of what we will become. I concede that there are times where people and institutions can change for the better or for the worse; indeed Saul become the Apostle Paul, Detroit Red became Malcolm X, and Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader. But in those changes each on of those men didn't deny who they were, in fact they never could really escape it. They did however us that as steam to live a better life or leave a legacy that would erase the mistakes of the past. Not deny the past, not ignore the past, but try to correct the past.

I think this a big part of why our community is so stagnant. We've forgotten our past, we're embarrassed by our past, we've downplayed our past, and we no longer appreciate our past because of a few present triumphs...and some old "embarrassments". But look at the Muslim Community, The Jewish Community and the Latino Community. They embrace their past, both as individuals and as a group: that is why they are strong and we are no longer, well one of the reasons. But that's a convo for another day.

It's the refusal to discuss the past, to deal with the past that is a major stumbling block in several of my interpersonal relationships. Wei Yan can't accept that part of the file review is bringing up old sins as they compare to current heroics to see (as humanly possible) what the future will bring. It's a stumbling block in my attempts to save my friendship with (the) Queen I believe, an "it's all the in past and I'll leave you there" concept which caries a certain sense of irony. In this Duel of the Fates, both of these examples show me that we really don't understand the importance of reconciling our past, to hold strong to our present which will ensure victory in the future. Sun Tzu said in the Art of War that one must know himself and his enemy to be victorious; this just doesn't include present actions but rather past behaviors...factored in with present behaviors and the probability for change.

I laugh now when people tell me that I should put the "Love Supreme Crisis" behind me. It makes me giggle when I am told to get over it. I hear Dr. Huxtable's line to Theo in my head: "The dumbest thing I've heard in my life". I mean really people telling me that the past 90 plus days, which was the Love Supreme Crisis (a moment in time that redefined me and changed how I think as well as altered my way of life) is in the past and I should get over it is akin to telling residents of New York that 9-11 was in the past or telling the Black residents of New Orleans to get over the legacy of Hurricane Katrina. If you said that to a resident of New York or New Orleans you probably would get cussed out or punched in the mouth. Maybe both.

In the Da Vinci code Robert Langston points out that "nobody hates history, they just hate their own history". I think this is valid. That's why so many people want to bury it or hide it or ignore it. But it just can not be done. I can never take back that moment on the porch, an example of me in extreme weakness. I can only embrace that moment, not hide from it, and use keep the scar as a reminder of what not to do next time. Am I ashamed? Yes. But it did happen. It has helped redefine me. The events in the Summer of 2008 did happen. No amount of revisionist history will change that. It has to be dealt with, addressed, reconciled and moved on. "Let us never speak on this again" only works on The Simpsons, not in real life.

As I begin this inevitable Duel of Fates, I understand the Past will be Prologue. I accept this willingly.

Because those who don't know their past, acknowledge their past and ultimately learn from their past are doomed, with out question to repeat it. You will never know yourself, nor your enemy and that will lead to failure...

And failure is not an option..

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
7-15-2009
3:35pm