Fade to Black: The Book of TLT

"Thank you for keeping me resolute,
when all around me seemed lost" ~Eli

It's time. I dreaded this day and tired to find a hundred reasons not to go forward with this decision, but I couldn't find nary a one. But honestly even if I found those reasons it IS time I take this step back. As I said in December, I have written the world's longest love letter, poured my heart and soul into this blog and I truly need to take time off this to finish reconstructing memory, reconnecting with history, and finally doing whatever it is God wants me to do. More importantly, it is time I finish my process of healing, in private, and clean up any lingering messes I made in 2009.

I will be back, when all are one. I am not sure when that one will be; although I know it will be.

As I depart, I leave you with this track by Al Green, which I got from one of the opening sequences in "The Book of Eli". I think it will serve as a PROPER closing in this chapter of Straight, No Chaser just as it served its purpose in the opening sequences of that wonderful, spiritual epic; We both share in an underlying theme of healing. Like Eli, I need to finish my journey.



I thank you all for your love and support. I WILL see you soon.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9:01pm
1-22-2010

Happy Founders Day Zeta Phi Beta 2010: Frontlines and Tactical Support

"I'll be there" ~Jackson 5

When I became a man of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc., back in 2002, I often envisioned that my relationship with frat would be such that if I ever needed a helping hand or a brother to have my back it would be there. I believed at the time that PBS would be the new BFL and with certain brothers I would probably rule Sigma and then the world. I admit there is a bit of hyperbole in this statement but the fact remains I thought my relationship with my beleaguered/beloved frat would be well, BFL.

Bu as we have learned with me "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry".

Conversely, I didn't think I would have a good relationship with my Sorors. At the point in history when I became MAB, I really was still learning how to deal with myself, let alone finer Black women. Since I am being truthful and transparent my first couple of dealing with Sorors, esp this one from ATL was, in a word, fucked.

As we have also learned from me redemption and confronting the unexpected with success is another hallmark of TLT.

I often laugh and is teased by baby mama that I am more solid with my Sorors than my Brothers; I think its weird that I can bond easier with the finer (space) women than with the men of my wondrous band. You think I'm lying? Check this fun fact: In the past ten years, a Soror has been the winner of my annual MVP award 5 times, with one Soror winning it twice. These Sorors were: my pledge mom Ms. Perse in 2002, Soror Sage in 2005, Soror Minister of the Interior in 2007 and 2009, Soror (the)Queen/Party A/ Black Butterfly (* ain't decided on a new code name yet) in 2008, and lastly you had Soror Shulimite Woman in 2009. I guess I need to explore why this is; I reckon that is a blog for another day but for now let me get back to the primary focus of this piece.

Happy Founder's Day to the Illustrious, Wonderful Finer (space) Women of
Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Inc.

90 years in the game huh? Damn that's a milestone by any standard. 90 years of being forerunners in scholarship, service, sisterhood, and baling out bro's like myself who always seem to find themselves in a pickle. 90 years of getting it done, sometimes winning hella pretty and sometimes winning ugly. 90 years of reppin Black beauty and Black womanhood to the uptenth power. Indeed, my beloved Sorors you all are the greatest and I am happy to be connected to you.

I laugh when I think about the fact that my Sorors at times are more BFL than BFL and more frat than Sigma. I chuckle that my first response units are generally my Sorors and I also chuckle when I realize those who are truly down for me are the women of Z-Phi-B. As I said in previous blogs I thank you deeply, from the bottom of my heart for this. I can never repay it although I am definitely not opposed to trying; this annual blog for instance is a testament to my gratefulness

So without further adieu let me get on to the shout outs:

Soror Lillet: Where in the hell is my attorney and Soror? You are loved.

Soror Rev. Dr: I've learned you are Wonder Woman to my Batman; an insightful albeit antagonist ally. Yet there are few who can match me intellectually and teach me something spiritually. It was you who put those "Mornings" and walks with the "Star" into context, taught me about the "despair unto death" and challenged me to quit drinking (which I did for a time). I regret we could not see eye to eye on our growth as friends, but this does not negate the fact that when shit was hectic you were there and offered me the tools to build a torch to see my way through. You are loved.

Soror Sage: I credit you with some of my stronger emotional growth, and to be quite honest had I not put aside some strategies you taught me during our time together, I might not have been put in the same ridiculous spaces I found myself in during 2009. Part of me regrets we don't talk as much, but the other part remembers your words that a physical presence, while nice, doesn't come close to comparing to person's mental and spiritual essence. No matter what, I have the lessons you gave me in regards to the road less traveled, missing people, being emotionally honest and other situations dealing with the mind heart and spirit. As as long as I have that, then you are there. You are loved.

Soror Joy: Somehow, some way you always know when to hit me up, with an IM or an email. I can go a whole three months without talking to you yet your insight in just as valuable. I enjoy our growth and our similar journeys. You are truly a sister and friend. You are loved

Soror Mariam: I remember during the first days of the L.S.C. you were so kind and understanding. There were times where your kind words and silly jokes "I'm block you" just lightened my mood. I am happy you found love and marriage and it inspires me. Looking at your family at the Kwanzaa celebration made me grin on the inside and tease yall on the out. Yeah, yall really do give me hope that our generation hasn't forgotten about Black Love. You are loved.

Soror AJ: You are one of the Zeta's my mother adores, she will never forget the kind act you and your chapter did for our family that cold December day in 2006. As for me you are my sister and friend. I appreciate you more than you know, you always bring a different take and generally as a first responder you keep things to a wonderful minimum. I promise that 2010 I will be around and we will hang more. You and Ben inspire me, like Soror Mariam and her husband that one day you'll be laughing at me at my wedding and begging me to put Talae out.
You are loved Soror.

Soror Sleepy: One of the few people who knew me before Blue and White, and I suspect one of the few people who will truly know me long after Blue and White. You are an amazing friend, Soror, critic and otherwise good gal. I am happy to have known you all these years. Your place in the pantheon of my friends is secure and I want to thank you constantly checking up on me this summer. You are loved.

Soror Amber: A snarky Soror whose bite I've come to love and enjoy, somehow you are one of the few Sorors who can get me to turn it down a bit with the Facebook status messages. Yet in those snappy one liners I discern a lot and I thank you. Since 04, you've been a staple in my favorite Soror space and I don't see you going no where any time soon. You are loved, in a non piss your husband off kinda way. Obi Wan is powerful.

Soror Leslie: My pledge mom, big sister and the first Zeta to show me what this bond was about. I am glad we are slowly reconnecting but I gotta admit I need to speed this process along. I am hella slacking ya dig? We got some good history and I got so much to catch you up on. I remember the wars fought to keep our friendship alive, our respective mates hell bent on stomping us out; No matter how much they tried we only grew closer. 2010 gotta be the year we take it back old school, find a new "John's Garage" and enjoy life again. You are loved and adored.

Soror "Her": I would be emotionally dishonest if I didn't include you in this year's blog. Indeed our time together was the best of times and the worst of times. I've been through a lot, seen a lot and the shit that happened in our space was unquestionably the roughest. Even with that ugly truth, I can't deny your impact on my life since the wonderful founders day sip; I can't deny the (at one time) beautiful friendship, and while "this wasn't supposed to be like this at all", I do accept what will be will be. I thank you for all that you contributed to my presence and I in the words of Destiny's Child, am "wishing are blessed, wishing you are blessed, no stress and lots of happiness." And you know what? You are loved too. Godspeed in 2010.

Soror LRJ: Every we time we talk I laugh a bit because you are the last person I thought I would confide in in life. I giggle when I think of the immense mutual dislike; now I smile because we share an emotional bond which can not be matched. I know that you have trials right now, and honesty it can be rough. But know like I made it through, you will make it through. Anybody or anything that doesn't see your worth, fuck em. I want you to know my co-MVP that I am here at this emotional space of balance and comfort because you never gave up, grew frustrated or quit. You remained my Soror and friend and I will forever be thankful for that. You Soror are loved and adored.

Soror Jones: Twice now you have been my MVP and both times I am glad to call you such. If Soror LRJ helped me get to an emotional space, I owe my current career and spiritual space to you. God only knows that I would still be working in the salt mines had you not stepped up and gave me a hand. Our friendship has gone through a lot, has evolved and has grown. I am pleased to call you my Soror, colleague, friend and confidant. I can't wait for the day you lil ones can play with little Charles and we laugh about all of the things we been through. You like your co-MVP are so loved and adored and have my loyalty for life. Thank you for all that you do. You are loved.

Ladies of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Inc. please on this 90th founders day enjoy it and go out and do what yall do best. Change with world.

With warm regards and love

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

1-16-2010

12:01am

Truth and Transparency: The FIRST Rant of 2010

"You want it to be one way..but it's another"~ Marlo Stanfield

You know I should have written the year end review the way I had originally planned, but true to the form of 2009, I kinda held back to make sure I didn't piss anybody off, hurt any feelings or otherwise create any more messes that I would have to clean up in 2010.

One of the more interesting phenomenon of celebrating a new year is our obsession to leave the past behind without reconciling any of the events, people or emotions that came with the previous year. It's like we believe that somehow at 12:01am on New Year's day we can just close our eyes and the events that lead us to this space and place would somehow disappear.

Oh snarky mofo reading this if only it were that easy.

The real truth is that despite all of our lofty proclamations to "leave the past behind" without reconciling any events or people we are simply setting ourselves up to have a rehash of the previous years events. I would submit that instead of closing our eyes and flying away to the land of make believe, the new year, esp the first month is a perfect time to de-classify files, achieve closure and then move forward. These things are essential in gaining closure, growth and ultimately writing history.

It was this narrow minded thinking that got me into the shit in 2009 and early in 2010 got old wounds reopening and feelings of bitterness, angst, hurt and all other synonyms bubbling to the surface. So I might as well deal with it now with truth and transparency the old wounds that somehow came running back in the early days of 2010.

If this blog were a real person I'd choke the shit out him. Seriously, it causes more pain than its worth, yet at the same time it is as one person put it "my bible" and its guar-damn-teed that the answer is found within these pages. I would agree with that. While I will take the occasional creative liberty, while I will sometimes hide folks name there is no hyperbole in this bitch here. How it plays out in the real world is how I write it here. My shit is concise and you don't have to guess. This space is rude, honest, painful, funny, sexy, and fucking well written. This is why every now and then I will write something that causes such a shit storm that I need to pause and address what was said. For example when I wrote the piece about my honor after being told I was fake, the dialog was hot and heavy. I deleted most of the comments cause they were just rude and only I can be rude in this space. Yes indeed, there are times when I drop a gem so good its gonna start a riot.

It seems the last entry in the "Reconstructing Memory" Series will be the next riot starter.

In the past 48 hrs I've been told my blog was "disrespectful", "judgmental" "harsh" "arrogant" "bitter", "part of a larger plot" , "games" and all sorts of other things.

My official response:
Are you serious? Fuck all yall. That's real talk there.

Disrespectful? My piece is disrespectful because I raised the point that I felt like a rebound? Really? Well I guess its disrespectful then because I do/did feel like a rebound, and judging from the information gathered, since party A went back to that space after we ended then that makes us *drum roll* a fucking rebound. How else can I feel when I was told shit like "not to show excitement cause it will get back to him" or introduced as "friend" and "frat brother", yet we planning a future and blending children. The entire world knew from hour one of day one who that person was, where they stood in my life, EVERYBODY knew who party A was. There was no question, no ambiguity. I was "all in" from the start. I didn't need to heal, soft peddle, hide, go around, and if then. She was (the) Queen. Everybody else was...well regular people. Now I dare any muthafucka to say that was matched.

*taps* I'll wait.

*stops taping*
Fucking exactly. It wasn't. Now, as I finish healing and begin to reflect I'm wrong for feeling like a glorified place holder? Really? I did shit right and by the book. That one can't complain. Nobody can complain. I got shit canned for defending my emotional space. I may have did it a bit rough, but all I was doing was fighting for something I thought wanted me. How is that wrong? What really fucks with me is this person also laid then entire LSC/Duel/break up in my lap. Really? Please tell me what great sin I committed that deserved me to be dumped then banished and treated like I didn't fucking exist. Oh wait I sent a rude email in that mentioned hate, and yes I showed up unannounced. Oh yeah I wouldn't take that bullshit laying down and took it to the mattress and fought. Oh wait. I was wrong for reaching out to "her", the enemy. So that got me banned? Wait. I'm sorry. Yeah we left out the part of the story bout me being so fucking out of it mentally, so hurt and despondent that my dear "friends" felt the way to help me was to bounce. So I reached out, for help clarity and answers. I went to the one person who fought and clawed for something they wanted and I believed understood. So fucking what. What did that have to do with me and Party A? Really? Even if I did reconnect....man let me stop. My reconnection had jack shit to do with nothing. Niggaz did what they wanted cause they wanted to and I gave them the excuse. Me and that friend are still struggling to define our friendship; party and her "ghost" are a family. You tell me how the shit looks. So I again raise the question what were these great sins to be banished and forgotten? Sins, yes. Cardinal sins. Hell naw. Maybe on some far away planet. Who knows. But on earth, I know niggraz have been forgiven for much worse.

Speaking of my friend I'm say this once and forever. Is the Ret Gen an ass? Yup. Did she try to whack me? Well yes. Does she play CIA games with people? Yes. Rowdy? Yes Dangerous? Yes. Was she one of the few people to respond when I needed a helping hand? Yes. Was she the one who helped me not kill my fool self in June? Hell fucking yes. These aren't contradictions. These are facts. I need for my friends who hate on my healing friendship with said General to ponder this real cute question: "If I had to go to somebody so wicked (their words, not mine) what does that say about my support network and loved ones?"

Yup. You sucked.

At one point in history this was my ace, the tip of my spear, my Tiger General. If we could ever get past the bullshit and sort through what went wrong and deal in accountability she will go back to being those things. Not a moment before we healed and made amends and not a moment after. I'll say it again: The General was/is/will always be a fucking asshole. Always. But at the end of the day she was something most of you were not: (insert word here).

Speaking of Generals, yo for real get over yourself. I've absolved what we did wrong and hold myself accountable for my mistakes. But real talk you ain't Cindy Lou. It's like the CIA telling the KGB they are victims. It's like Wei Yan acting like Zhuge Liang didn't like him in a vacuum. You fucked up too. As I stated above you're used as reason #1 why I couldn't go back and yet I defended my potential friendship/friendship with you. But I'm playing games. Oh you mean games like hacking, sleeping with best friends, using police tails, emotional warfare, fiscal warfare and shame? Those kinds of games? Pffft. I told you. This is my process and while I want us to reconstruct I wasn't going to deal with the mood swings and the breakdowns. Let's both get over it. Move on. Stop it. For real. If I was on some shit you would know. You've been my greatest student, best friend and worst enemy. We said we was moving beyond that. So I'm need to you make this shit easy ya dig.

You know Just Dre told me to post what I felt cause it was gonna come back. I should have. But now I've dealt with it and ready to finish the wonderful journey of my 35th year. Nothing is gonna break the heart of this champion. Nothing.

I always love and welcome readers. I even love the occasional riot. I'm just letting it be known though the days of soft peddling and compromise, esp when it comes to this space are done. If my words are to public, blunt, rude, or "tells the business" I suggest you....pray? I don't know.

I just know I will remain

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
1-8-2010
12:00pm

Reconstructing Memory: On Accountablity, Avon, and Lies.

"If it's a lie, then we fight on that lie"~Slim Charles.

"I gotta clean up what I messed up"~Canton Spirituals

"If you repeat a lie long enough, it becomes truth."~Joseph Goebbels

Memory Build 2.0
File Upload: Accountability
Begin Memory Sync:

In one of the most compelling scenes in season 3 of "The Wire", Avon Barkdale sits in his office lamenting the death of his best friend and former confidant Stringer Bell. While his reflecting on the course that brought him to that moment, Slim Charles, his chief enforcer, comes into the room to ensure him they will get revenge on Marlo Stanfield, the rival dealer they suspect of taking out Stringer Bell. After listening to Charles guarantee of revenge, Avon informs Slim Charles that Marlo was not responsible, the party responsible could not be dealt with and he did not wish to wage war with Stanfield. While sympathizing with his boss, Slim Charles informs him that once a war is waged it can not be unwaged until there is a victor, even if that war was/is fought on a lie.

While watching that episode this morning I began to reflect, through out my work day, on some of the events of 2009, this time with the rabid emotions gone and my pure intellect now returning to full steam. I begin to do what I do best and review a lot of situations, trying to discern what, if any, of the messes I made needed fixing. Each time I thought, I removed more and more emotion until I had what was left. I am sure we all know the logic axiom: "If you eliminate the impossible what you have left, no matter how improbable, is the truth." The truth, no matter how improbable is this:

Last year I waged a total war based off of a lie, and like the fictional Avon, or the historical Lyndon Johnson, once involved in that war I had no recourse, no out but to continue and to fight.

Wait, was the past nine months REALLY a lie? I'm beginning to believe, in the depths of my soul, yes it was.

It was on a lie....a wonderfully repeated lie.

It was a lie that was a beautiful illusion that gave me a sense of peace I shall forever be grateful for.

Yet as beautiful as the lie was, as peaceful as the illusion, that does not negate the reality that my war had its consequences. Like the Barkdale's on "The Wire" my proverbial empire now lay in ruin, it's glory days behind them. Like President Johnson, I have lost credibility and must work diligently to restore the honor lost from waging a war nobody wanted and had no moral standing. With this realization I got angry, then calm and finally I smiled. I had attained another area of peace and more importantly, I remember a vital component of my memory: Accountability.

Accountability.

Memory Sync in progress.

50% complete. Please wait.

Constructing Accountability Matrix:

With this reconstructing file as well as everything else I've seen, read, heard and THOUGHT about, I must admit I made some mistakes in 2009 on a personal and professional front. While I am not offering blanket absolution NOR am I retconning anything, I will say that I erred in a lot of ways.

From this point of view, then I am rethinking a lot of things, for example a certain rebellion that was waged from the moment I put her on the throne. Did the Ret. General see or know something I didn't? She often said she did. She implored me from Day 5 not to allow myself to be a rebound or give over my emotions because I would never defeat the ghosts before me and I would lose. I dismissed her caution as mere hating, even though it was in line with other members of my council. Like Avon, I ignored a Stringer Bell like warning about beefing over a "territory" I had neither the insight to gain and if I did succeed the muscle to keep. My inability to hear wisdom, to see the pieces beyond my own needs and interpretations lead me to a moment like Avon that I could not back out of and almost brought me to ruin. What further makes me have to stand up and be accountable was I felt in my bones that those assessments might be correct. I ignored intel, intelligence and my gut and lost.

A week or so ago I raised the possibility, in a tongue in cheek/crude humor fashion that after all that has been revealed I really was nothing more than a glorified place holder. While the response was less than diplomatic the answers were more telling, there was no denial just sorta kick rocks response. I accept that as well because as funny as my statement was it was out of place. The fact is there will never been a meeting of the minds on the events of 2009, instead the option by one has been to sweep in under the rug and return to the space that they truly want to be; the other party feel down and took for ever to get back up much to the dismay of everybody. There was little or no accountability present.

I didn't listen in 2008. That mistake lead me into the shitstorm that was 2009. The errors in 2009 almost cost me my life.

I shant make this mistake again.

No more wars.

No more wars based on lies.

Hell no more lies. No matter how beautiful or peaceful. I am too emotionally honest to engage in that kind of behavior.

Like all wars, mine has ended and now I am dealing with the fall out, the emotional scars, the hurt feelings and the friendships ruined or strained. Again, I can't issue a blanket absolution; there were folks who were just fucking bogus to me regardless of if I fought on a lie or not.

But still I need to be accountable for this war and clean up what I've messed up.

My honor demands no less than accountability.

File Uploaded

Memory Sync Completed

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
1-4-2010
5:18pm