Reconstructing Memory: On Accountablity, Avon, and Lies.

"If it's a lie, then we fight on that lie"~Slim Charles.

"I gotta clean up what I messed up"~Canton Spirituals

"If you repeat a lie long enough, it becomes truth."~Joseph Goebbels

Memory Build 2.0
File Upload: Accountability
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In one of the most compelling scenes in season 3 of "The Wire", Avon Barkdale sits in his office lamenting the death of his best friend and former confidant Stringer Bell. While his reflecting on the course that brought him to that moment, Slim Charles, his chief enforcer, comes into the room to ensure him they will get revenge on Marlo Stanfield, the rival dealer they suspect of taking out Stringer Bell. After listening to Charles guarantee of revenge, Avon informs Slim Charles that Marlo was not responsible, the party responsible could not be dealt with and he did not wish to wage war with Stanfield. While sympathizing with his boss, Slim Charles informs him that once a war is waged it can not be unwaged until there is a victor, even if that war was/is fought on a lie.

While watching that episode this morning I began to reflect, through out my work day, on some of the events of 2009, this time with the rabid emotions gone and my pure intellect now returning to full steam. I begin to do what I do best and review a lot of situations, trying to discern what, if any, of the messes I made needed fixing. Each time I thought, I removed more and more emotion until I had what was left. I am sure we all know the logic axiom: "If you eliminate the impossible what you have left, no matter how improbable, is the truth." The truth, no matter how improbable is this:

Last year I waged a total war based off of a lie, and like the fictional Avon, or the historical Lyndon Johnson, once involved in that war I had no recourse, no out but to continue and to fight.

Wait, was the past nine months REALLY a lie? I'm beginning to believe, in the depths of my soul, yes it was.

It was on a lie....a wonderfully repeated lie.

It was a lie that was a beautiful illusion that gave me a sense of peace I shall forever be grateful for.

Yet as beautiful as the lie was, as peaceful as the illusion, that does not negate the reality that my war had its consequences. Like the Barkdale's on "The Wire" my proverbial empire now lay in ruin, it's glory days behind them. Like President Johnson, I have lost credibility and must work diligently to restore the honor lost from waging a war nobody wanted and had no moral standing. With this realization I got angry, then calm and finally I smiled. I had attained another area of peace and more importantly, I remember a vital component of my memory: Accountability.

Accountability.

Memory Sync in progress.

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Constructing Accountability Matrix:

With this reconstructing file as well as everything else I've seen, read, heard and THOUGHT about, I must admit I made some mistakes in 2009 on a personal and professional front. While I am not offering blanket absolution NOR am I retconning anything, I will say that I erred in a lot of ways.

From this point of view, then I am rethinking a lot of things, for example a certain rebellion that was waged from the moment I put her on the throne. Did the Ret. General see or know something I didn't? She often said she did. She implored me from Day 5 not to allow myself to be a rebound or give over my emotions because I would never defeat the ghosts before me and I would lose. I dismissed her caution as mere hating, even though it was in line with other members of my council. Like Avon, I ignored a Stringer Bell like warning about beefing over a "territory" I had neither the insight to gain and if I did succeed the muscle to keep. My inability to hear wisdom, to see the pieces beyond my own needs and interpretations lead me to a moment like Avon that I could not back out of and almost brought me to ruin. What further makes me have to stand up and be accountable was I felt in my bones that those assessments might be correct. I ignored intel, intelligence and my gut and lost.

A week or so ago I raised the possibility, in a tongue in cheek/crude humor fashion that after all that has been revealed I really was nothing more than a glorified place holder. While the response was less than diplomatic the answers were more telling, there was no denial just sorta kick rocks response. I accept that as well because as funny as my statement was it was out of place. The fact is there will never been a meeting of the minds on the events of 2009, instead the option by one has been to sweep in under the rug and return to the space that they truly want to be; the other party feel down and took for ever to get back up much to the dismay of everybody. There was little or no accountability present.

I didn't listen in 2008. That mistake lead me into the shitstorm that was 2009. The errors in 2009 almost cost me my life.

I shant make this mistake again.

No more wars.

No more wars based on lies.

Hell no more lies. No matter how beautiful or peaceful. I am too emotionally honest to engage in that kind of behavior.

Like all wars, mine has ended and now I am dealing with the fall out, the emotional scars, the hurt feelings and the friendships ruined or strained. Again, I can't issue a blanket absolution; there were folks who were just fucking bogus to me regardless of if I fought on a lie or not.

But still I need to be accountable for this war and clean up what I've messed up.

My honor demands no less than accountability.

File Uploaded

Memory Sync Completed

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
1-4-2010
5:18pm

A Better Tomorrow: Recreating Memory

"The Terrance I/we knew"~The Village.

A quick back drop:

As snarky mofo readers to this blog you've probably discerned that my favorite non historical cultural icon is without question "The Batman" (if the recent references to his ethos haven't been obvious clues). Seriously, if I were to start a mentoring program for young Black boys, there would be a section in there on the philosophy of Batman. No I haven't gone completely crazy and I am not making up something called "The philosophy of Batman" so stop laughing. It does exist. Check it out for yourself. So needless to say I'm influenced heavily by the icon of the Bat just as much as I am influenced by Dr. Huey P. Newton, Malcolm X, David Ruffin or Zhuge Liang.

One of the things I love about the Tao of the Bat is that he is truly self reflective and takes his victories and defeats quite seriously. He is constantly reminding himself of who he is and how he came to be as well as deciding what he has to do to keep on that path. I think everybody should do this, and while you don't have to publicly blog like I do to sort out my issues, one does need that internal self check mechanism.

One of my favorite Batman moments of self check came after the "Knighfall" saga. During this arc, old Bats got back broke by Bane after the latter wore him down mentally then challenged him to a fight inside of Wayne Manor. It should be noted that this was significant because Bane was the first man to beat him in mental preparation and strategy and later in direct hand to hand combat. As Bruce watched his world spiral out of control, he had to take a step back to heal, refocus and remember how to be Batman; more importantly he needed to remember who he was and how he came to be. This lead into the "KnightsQuest" and "KnightsEnd" sagas, respectively, where Bruce went through extraordinary measures to become the Bat again. In effect he had to recreate and reconnect his memory. If you are interested in the stories I've posted links; I won't go into them all here but suffice to say he re-trained, re-dedicated, remembering how to be Batman and been kicking mucho ass since.

And he still takes the occasional break to reconnect and recreate.

Right about now you're probably asking what in the blue hell does this have to do with you BT39?

I'm getting to that.

Since that shitty morning on April 4th 2009 when all sense left my life, one of the main critiques I have heard from all circles was how I wasn't acting like my true self. If I had a dollar every time I heard that I'd buy blogspot.com, which should tell you the frequency in which I heard this comment. Hell during "The LSC" and "The Duel" people would say that daily and while at the time I wrote off their critiques as malarkey. But now as I ponder over the internal and external events of the past year, I really don't think they were too far off the mark.

While I am no phony and definitely not fake, I do believe I have been in survival mode for the longest time. If you are (un) familiar with the concept of survival mode, it really means you take only what you need to survive the immediate challenges/crisis and plan to/do what you can to endure a moment/while longer. In essence the constant challenges I faced from 2005 until now placed me in a position where I shed(ed) parts of who I am for parts that I felt where needed at the moment. I mean I stopped being a "warrior" to become a politician/negotiator because I believed there was no way I could combat all of my enemies that were showing up at the time. I wanted so desperately to break into my field I stopped being an organic scholar and became "an intellect". I got tired of being seen as cold, distant and evil; thus I opened up my emotions to basically the world.

Let me simplify this...in order to move quickly I had to shed pieces of a man. It's like trying to climb mountains with 100 pounds of equipment or as Erika Badu once sung "you gone miss your bus, you cant hurry up, cause you got too much stuff". In essence I needed to catch several buses to survive the challenges I was facing and threw off traits of mine that would prolong or worsen the crisis. Of course these traits I put aside or picked up are not problematic in themselves, they did become problematic when they aren't done in balance or in moderation. Nobody should negotiate/navigate survival as much as I've done in the past 4 years, and while those skills underline a brilliant, beautiful mind, it also cost me parts of my heart, mind and soul. Snarky mofo reading this don't let anyone ever tell you that evolution doesn't come with a price. EVER.

Recently, after relapsing to a point of anger, I had to take a step back and finally decide it was time to truly heal...at least heal what I can with the tools I posses. However, when laying out a framework to heal I discerned that I had forgotten who I was and more importantly how I came to be. I have been in survival mode for so damn long the essence and core of who I am is lost; these pieces lost to pain, frustration, enemies, political machinations and ultimately failed relationships. Like my aforementioned icon, I need look back to go forward (which is called Sankofa for my African centered folk). Perhaps, once I've recreated and reconnected memory, I will get my smile and swagger back.

I do remember parts of my swagger, even if I don't remember how to connect with it. I was reminded of this as I sat down at the computer last night and got that familiar light headedness and buzz. I smiled because I knew what it was and I was eager to see where it would take me.

I saw the world without time. It took me to exactly one year prior, when I was helping a dear friend start over, when we were sharing our hopes and dreams. I remember the look in her eyes of excitement, love and nervousness and was happy to be part of that. I see myself sit on the couch to reach out to touch her and suddenly I'm back here...in this place...struggling to recreate memories.

What is so different then as opposed to now? In spite of a few bumps this time last year I was the mutha fucking Prime Minister, not phased by anything and ready for everything. In fact I said often that "there was no greater weapon than a prepared mind."

But One year later I am getting ready to retire. I'm told this is all apart of healing and for the first time in my life I'm being forced to deal with what I have in front of me. For the first time I am forced to walk alone, deal with my own pain and inexorably deal with the truth.

The truth is my smile and confidence are gone. Sure they've been tested before. Yes they've been pushed to their limits, they've been put on the DL list but never before have I said say they are gone. Right now there are gone.

Or maybe I've forgotten them, how to smile and why to smile. I've forgotten how to have swagger and why should I swag.

Thus I have my first major task of 2010 to reconnect and recreate memories. I need to take my own mental and spiritual sourjourn, outside of blogspot, outside of my familia, outside of allies, no girlfriend, woman, executive assistant, and truly remember the legend of TLT. There is no other choice and when I allow myself to truly accept this reality I can say with no ill feelings that this is the best route.

But enough of my self reflective ramblings. Right now I'm enjoy these left overs. Today I am going to relax and smile. Today I'm remember one year ago and hopefully I will reconnect with that man who thought he was about to rule the world.

Enjoy your left overs people.....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
10:30pm
11/27/2009

A Better Tomorrow: Silent Knight

Sup Snarky Mofos Reading this!

Sorry I have been "Silent", but I haven't felt like writing much these days. I mean I've poured so much in the blog that was my voice when I was voiceless and my free therapy that now I don't have much to say, esp at a time when there is so much to say.

I guess I've reached an emotional impasse and a creative lull; no that's not true I just really am tired of writing about my relationship woes, heartbreak(ing), and other stuff. I mean I'm still growing and healing as much as I can from the past six months but I just don't want to write about it.

In essence I'm tired of discussing how fucked up the "LSC" and past "Duel" left me.

This isn't to say I am quiting, on the contrary. I will be back in earnest at the start of the new year.

Close your mouth. You read correctly. I am done until Jan 1 2010. Maybe then I will have something to say. So with the exception of the 2009 retrospective, the MVP blog and predictions for 2010 (all which are posted on the Dec 30-Jan 1st) no new material will be coming.

In effect this Knight is silent for now. I still have a lil more healing and growing to do.

I still need to shake off the lingering nightmares.

I still need to get my true smile back.

Until then...

In the interim, I am trying to decide which piece was my best piece of 2009. I mean I want to hear your thoughts. Which piece made you laugh, cuss, cry, wish, etc. Shot me an email and let me.

Again thank you all for your patience. I haven't forgotten my supporters nor fans....or even critics.

See ya on 12-30.

Straight, No Chaster
TLT
10:28am
11-9-2009

Document THIS Pt.3: Unconfirmed Reports

"See what I had heard"~Inner City Saying

Let's take a walk snarky mofo reading this.....come see the world without time with me.

Circa: 1996
Place: Fisk University Nashville TN
Location: Shane Hall.

We were going to go to a super bowl party thrown by my friend Devin's dad. My date to this lovely event was supposed to be my then girlfriend K.S.W. Well she wasn't exactly my girlfriend, we were in that kind of limbo only the immature and the young get into; where we were doing all the things of a couple, but not taking the label of a couple. Unknown to me she was exploring options while keeping me close, leading me to believe the things we were doing we going to help us work out whatever 19 year old love problems we had. Well the night of the Super Bowl party I go to pick her up and head out. But she wasn't there. She never called. She didn't leave a word. She just stood me up. With my 19 year old brain I opted to instead of keeping it moving, to sit around and wait. I almost missed the party had Devin, being the friend he was not came back to get me.

The next morning she calls me to tell me she went out and stayed with a friend, the second time she had stood me up in like a week or send me off to explore one of her options. Upset, I went over to her dorm room with the intent on giving her the best cussing out my young brain could muster. When I got there, we exchanged typical 19 year old nastiness. I lost the exchange. In a moment of stupid young lion bravado I snatched her car keys and left. I went to the library to read a couple of chapters of Romance of Three Kingdoms, went and bought a comic book from Kroger's and then I went to my dorm room to eat a sandwich. In all, I was gone about 30-45 mins. Suddenly, it was a knock at my door and crazy Mike, a fellow RA, was at my door. He got a call at the front desk from another RA over at Shane that the police we called and en route to me. So again with Leo pride I walked over to the Shane security office, told my side of the story and put my hands on my head ready to be arrested. An older officer clearly sickened by EVERYBODY's antics told me to "take my hands off my dumb ass head" He took the keys out of my pocket and handed them to K.S.W. He then turned to me and said "This is the stupidest reason to ruin your life. There will be better reasons. This ain't one of them (God knows he wasn't lying). He then pointed to K.S.W. and said "young brother this woman stood you up and made you look stupid. She isn't worth your tears. Why would you go to jail on a woman who don't respect you. Respect yourself and not do this over her." He then turned to K.S.W. and said "you need to be careful with these silly games. The next man might not just take your keys." She turned and left. I was held back a little bit until she pulled off and then let go. As I left the office the rumors as only a Black College like Fisk could create has circulated that I beat her and stole her car. In my young hubris I sucked up my notoriety and fame. I did not realize that it would create an urban legend which would come back to hunt me some 13 years later.

I have often reflected on that event, its stupidity of my youth and this one stands out for a number of reasons; my first girlfriend out of my house and my inability to handle a relationship in those close quarters. I mean I had girlfriends in high school, but I didn't see them 24/7 and I didn't have to keep seeing them once school let out esp. after we broke up. I learned I had a obscene fixation with justice. My action wasn't designed to "steal" her car. In fact it should be stated again that I walked around but never set foot in that car. I wanted her to understand inconvenience and selfishness. But most importantly this event earned me the label of "woman beater". Like I said earlier in my youth I thought the "rep" of being a real hard ass that stood up to the po-po's was cool and sexy; what I didn't know was that also attached was the concept that I was a young Ike Turner.

So why am I opening this file now? I mean it's been 13 years and generally anybody with a life couldn't/wouldn't and shouldn't give a shit about a pissant couple from 1996. Well the reason I recanting this story is because this trivial shit came back to bite me in my ass.

If you recall from the first two essays in this series, I discussed how (the) Queen had come up with the ludicrous notion that I was going to hurt her. Well in the aftermath of all the nonsense, pain, growth, hustle, and sadness that was/is, The Love Supreme Crisis, (the) Queen having already dethroned me suddenly hit me with a banning that would have made the old apartheid South Africa government jealous. Suddenly I wasn't the HIT with beautiful eyes but the a poor Rick James mixed with OJ Simpson. After the BFL09 cinco de mayo, although I received an occasional text or blog comment (the) Queen just wouldn't talk, see or unban me.

I've often wondered why she would think I was a demon, a man capable of whupping on her when I wouldn't even kiss her without her permission, use her bathroom without her permission, or even...well never mind all that. Fact is the LAST thing, my depression supreme aside, that I would ever do it hit her or any woman. Well there was one woman I hit but she hit me first and with a bottle. I digress. Fact is I was seen as an animal.

I've often wondered why even with the evidence that I was just a depressed pussy whupped heart broken man that I couldn't get another file review with the new evidence presented. Well I got my wish.

Recently a memo came across my desk that informed me that someone I thought was a friend and supporter of the kingdom had gone to the queen to offer assistance, prayer and help. Mind you all I did was ask for a strengthening prayer. This person whom I wasn't even friends with at Fisk (and come to think of it wasn't cool with K.S.W. either) tells (the)Queen that I beat up my girlfriend, pissed in her plants and otherwise did all sorts of cray rude shit to her. In fact I was asked point blank by my source had I committed such an evil act. I was floored and hurt. So not only was I convinced on incomplete evidence I gotta contend with fabricated, unconfirmed reports? Are you fucking serious? I realize during the height of my depression I made some serious errors in judgment, I might have even looked a bit crazy but damn was it that deep.

The memo went on to clown me for not revealing my past and being dishonest. I was called into question and the validity of my manhood and realness was challenged. In short I was read the riot act.

All because of a stupid urban legend designed to make me look like want gone ape shit. For real? Wow. There was a time, pre Duel of Fates I would have gone on a cussing out spree. But as I try to do things differently, as I try to grow and reconcile contradictions I simply write it off. I will correct the mistakes, because that is a doozy to have on your record and keep it moving. Such it the paradox of being a big emotional negro.

I must admit, moments like this make it so much easier to walk the path of the Star. I mean damn. I realize the past is very important but I also realize, like a man fresh out the joint, that sometimes we just want to be looked at by our present actions. I mean I said it before, the fairest formula is Past Sins vs Present Heroics.

This makes my quest and fight for a fair review all the more intense. I was removed because of a a misunderstanding and banished off of an unconfirmed report. In fairness to (the) Queen, there was a whole lot going on and honestly I was like so close to being a bablling fool. But still with the connection to my mom, BFL09, and Dr. Devin (who by the way was there in that room with me) the truth could have been discerned.

In one of her more candid moments of brilliance, when she wasn't plotting to take over the world, Ret. Gen Yan once quipped "Sometimes people just wanna convict you out of punishment. I mean you piss them off and you gotta pay for that." I think that is the case, and at the root of all this nonsense, this 120 days of suckation with (the) Queen that I pissed her off on a sacred day and now I gotta get my ass whupped. I mean I've done it to others, tis would be arrogant to think it wouldn't happen to me.

*sigh* Indeed, all of this fits right into the Duel of Fates. For what must be reconciled is the love I know that's there, versus the piss offness and disappointment. Indeed, like me the choice of Jehovah (love) or the Star (My pride and her stubbornness) are in mortal combat.

And we gotta lovely unconfirmed report to thank for all the bullshit...this lovely Duel now before us...

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-3-2009
12:01am