Truth and Transparency: The FIRST Rant of 2010

"You want it to be one way..but it's another"~ Marlo Stanfield

You know I should have written the year end review the way I had originally planned, but true to the form of 2009, I kinda held back to make sure I didn't piss anybody off, hurt any feelings or otherwise create any more messes that I would have to clean up in 2010.

One of the more interesting phenomenon of celebrating a new year is our obsession to leave the past behind without reconciling any of the events, people or emotions that came with the previous year. It's like we believe that somehow at 12:01am on New Year's day we can just close our eyes and the events that lead us to this space and place would somehow disappear.

Oh snarky mofo reading this if only it were that easy.

The real truth is that despite all of our lofty proclamations to "leave the past behind" without reconciling any events or people we are simply setting ourselves up to have a rehash of the previous years events. I would submit that instead of closing our eyes and flying away to the land of make believe, the new year, esp the first month is a perfect time to de-classify files, achieve closure and then move forward. These things are essential in gaining closure, growth and ultimately writing history.

It was this narrow minded thinking that got me into the shit in 2009 and early in 2010 got old wounds reopening and feelings of bitterness, angst, hurt and all other synonyms bubbling to the surface. So I might as well deal with it now with truth and transparency the old wounds that somehow came running back in the early days of 2010.

If this blog were a real person I'd choke the shit out him. Seriously, it causes more pain than its worth, yet at the same time it is as one person put it "my bible" and its guar-damn-teed that the answer is found within these pages. I would agree with that. While I will take the occasional creative liberty, while I will sometimes hide folks name there is no hyperbole in this bitch here. How it plays out in the real world is how I write it here. My shit is concise and you don't have to guess. This space is rude, honest, painful, funny, sexy, and fucking well written. This is why every now and then I will write something that causes such a shit storm that I need to pause and address what was said. For example when I wrote the piece about my honor after being told I was fake, the dialog was hot and heavy. I deleted most of the comments cause they were just rude and only I can be rude in this space. Yes indeed, there are times when I drop a gem so good its gonna start a riot.

It seems the last entry in the "Reconstructing Memory" Series will be the next riot starter.

In the past 48 hrs I've been told my blog was "disrespectful", "judgmental" "harsh" "arrogant" "bitter", "part of a larger plot" , "games" and all sorts of other things.

My official response:
Are you serious? Fuck all yall. That's real talk there.

Disrespectful? My piece is disrespectful because I raised the point that I felt like a rebound? Really? Well I guess its disrespectful then because I do/did feel like a rebound, and judging from the information gathered, since party A went back to that space after we ended then that makes us *drum roll* a fucking rebound. How else can I feel when I was told shit like "not to show excitement cause it will get back to him" or introduced as "friend" and "frat brother", yet we planning a future and blending children. The entire world knew from hour one of day one who that person was, where they stood in my life, EVERYBODY knew who party A was. There was no question, no ambiguity. I was "all in" from the start. I didn't need to heal, soft peddle, hide, go around, and if then. She was (the) Queen. Everybody else was...well regular people. Now I dare any muthafucka to say that was matched.

*taps* I'll wait.

*stops taping*
Fucking exactly. It wasn't. Now, as I finish healing and begin to reflect I'm wrong for feeling like a glorified place holder? Really? I did shit right and by the book. That one can't complain. Nobody can complain. I got shit canned for defending my emotional space. I may have did it a bit rough, but all I was doing was fighting for something I thought wanted me. How is that wrong? What really fucks with me is this person also laid then entire LSC/Duel/break up in my lap. Really? Please tell me what great sin I committed that deserved me to be dumped then banished and treated like I didn't fucking exist. Oh wait I sent a rude email in that mentioned hate, and yes I showed up unannounced. Oh yeah I wouldn't take that bullshit laying down and took it to the mattress and fought. Oh wait. I was wrong for reaching out to "her", the enemy. So that got me banned? Wait. I'm sorry. Yeah we left out the part of the story bout me being so fucking out of it mentally, so hurt and despondent that my dear "friends" felt the way to help me was to bounce. So I reached out, for help clarity and answers. I went to the one person who fought and clawed for something they wanted and I believed understood. So fucking what. What did that have to do with me and Party A? Really? Even if I did reconnect....man let me stop. My reconnection had jack shit to do with nothing. Niggaz did what they wanted cause they wanted to and I gave them the excuse. Me and that friend are still struggling to define our friendship; party and her "ghost" are a family. You tell me how the shit looks. So I again raise the question what were these great sins to be banished and forgotten? Sins, yes. Cardinal sins. Hell naw. Maybe on some far away planet. Who knows. But on earth, I know niggraz have been forgiven for much worse.

Speaking of my friend I'm say this once and forever. Is the Ret Gen an ass? Yup. Did she try to whack me? Well yes. Does she play CIA games with people? Yes. Rowdy? Yes Dangerous? Yes. Was she one of the few people to respond when I needed a helping hand? Yes. Was she the one who helped me not kill my fool self in June? Hell fucking yes. These aren't contradictions. These are facts. I need for my friends who hate on my healing friendship with said General to ponder this real cute question: "If I had to go to somebody so wicked (their words, not mine) what does that say about my support network and loved ones?"

Yup. You sucked.

At one point in history this was my ace, the tip of my spear, my Tiger General. If we could ever get past the bullshit and sort through what went wrong and deal in accountability she will go back to being those things. Not a moment before we healed and made amends and not a moment after. I'll say it again: The General was/is/will always be a fucking asshole. Always. But at the end of the day she was something most of you were not: (insert word here).

Speaking of Generals, yo for real get over yourself. I've absolved what we did wrong and hold myself accountable for my mistakes. But real talk you ain't Cindy Lou. It's like the CIA telling the KGB they are victims. It's like Wei Yan acting like Zhuge Liang didn't like him in a vacuum. You fucked up too. As I stated above you're used as reason #1 why I couldn't go back and yet I defended my potential friendship/friendship with you. But I'm playing games. Oh you mean games like hacking, sleeping with best friends, using police tails, emotional warfare, fiscal warfare and shame? Those kinds of games? Pffft. I told you. This is my process and while I want us to reconstruct I wasn't going to deal with the mood swings and the breakdowns. Let's both get over it. Move on. Stop it. For real. If I was on some shit you would know. You've been my greatest student, best friend and worst enemy. We said we was moving beyond that. So I'm need to you make this shit easy ya dig.

You know Just Dre told me to post what I felt cause it was gonna come back. I should have. But now I've dealt with it and ready to finish the wonderful journey of my 35th year. Nothing is gonna break the heart of this champion. Nothing.

I always love and welcome readers. I even love the occasional riot. I'm just letting it be known though the days of soft peddling and compromise, esp when it comes to this space are done. If my words are to public, blunt, rude, or "tells the business" I suggest you....pray? I don't know.

I just know I will remain

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
1-8-2010
12:00pm

Quick Check In

Greetings Snarky Mofo reading this and loyal supporters.

I just wanted to drop you all a quick line letting you know that I will be back soon. I needed to take a quick blog break to put some personal things in order, re-asset some paths and continue to grow. I am pressing for the mark of the higher calling.

When I return, which will be soon will finish the Duel of Fates and Better Tomorrow Series. After that I will return Straight, No Chaser to its roots: a blog about politics and short creative stories.


In the meanwhile I will continue to be that Dark Knight I have always been and always there if needed.

With love and thanks

Of course,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
10-6-2009
10:00am

On Black Men, Depression and Life Pt.5: Aftermath

"Thank God for Granting Me this moment of Clarity" ~Jay Z

This is going to be a long post so let's get right to the heart of the matter:

Let's take inventory of the impact of "The Love Supreme Crisis": 90 days in duration, 1 hospital stay, a weight gain of 30+ lbs, copious amounts of vodka consumed, 4 lost friends, one friendship under review, a strained network, and of course a major love lost.

"The Love Supreme Crisis" has become/was/is the most difficult time in my life to date, harder than when my father died (A Death In Family/Sins of the Father) more painful than my breakup with Nicole (The Long Night) and more confusing than the 2006-7 year (The Second Renaissance). My faith, my maturity, my dedication, my reason, my intellect, and my courage has been/is being tested. Some of these tests I passed (even if at times I bent the rules), some of them I didn't (when I should have bent the rules); indeed the very definition of who I am already and who I will become may be very well grounded in this moment in time.

I had no idea that when I went to bed on April 3rd 2009 the world I would awaken to would be forever changed, that I would be forever changed. I had no idea that the depression would engulf my like a singularity in space (Black hole for you lay people) and change history. Granted, the seeds and signs of the storm had been coming long before April 3rd. But like the Federal Government, I didn't really appreciate the magnitude of my personal hurricane Katrina, that perfect storm of personal, professional, and emotional crisises. Now like how this nation must live with the aftermath and legacy of Hurricane Katrina, I am trying to live with an sort out that Perfect Storm that was the Love Supreme Crisis and the after waves and shocks that ripped through my life.

The eye of the storm has passed and the most difficult times are over. I am able to sit back and think with some degree of clarity. This enables me to petition Jehovah for discernment in matters where I had no discernment. My time uh....incapacitated was well spent. I was able to make some very difficult decisions on my life. It is fitting that I end this series with this entry, I think it brings it full circle. I hope this post will clear up any misconceptions, answer any questions and ultimately set a policy on who I am and how I came to be. This also will serve as an apology of sorts, to my loved ones and loyal readers. I apologize for not taking care of myself, for being ashamed of my illness and not taking time out sooner. I am working to correct the aftermath of this very difficult time in my life.

So let's get on with it:

On why I went public with my Depression:
There is a concern among my peers as to me speaking openly about my mental illness. They fear I will be castigated and labeled, misunderstood and abused. I appreciate their concern. I really do, yet it was for those very reasons I decided to speak honestly about how I am feeling and who I am. I suffer from clinical depression. I could have cancer in the balls. I got off light. Consider: If I had cancer, lumps or some other physical malady, I would be screaming from the roof tops at the peak of my voice trying to get people to educate themselves, donate, join support groups etc. Yet since mental illness is taboo in the Black Community I am supposed to sit in the dark and suffer? That defies reason. My Black Studies Training mandates I educate, my social science education mandates I educate and it is my responsibility as a Christian and servant of Jehovah to educate. This last point important as faith is a major component in the Black Community; generally where the church goes so does the people. I think people should be reminded of the words found in 2 Corinthians 7:5, 6. Here the Apostle Paul speaks of trials that vexed his mental spirit: " when we arrived in Macedonia, our flesh got no relief . . . There were fights without, fears within." Also compare this to the counsel found at Proverbs 12:25: Anxious care in the heart of the man is what will cause it to bow down, but the good word is what makes it rejoice." Ain't no shame. My goal is to provide education and the good word.

On General Wei Yan's status:
This probably the most controversial decision but I think it also the most fair decision. Let's me be frank, Yan and I have a most polemic friendship, our dynamic can/could at times be very toxic. I think its safe to say that she and I put the CIA/KBG to shame. I am very disappointed at her early disrespect of (the) Queen and that dynamic. But in this admission I need to be forthright, she was not the blog vandal, her alibis, supporting documentation and witnesses affirm that she wasn't around; I also had to use discernment in this matter (or as much as I can muster): Ain't shit subtle about Yan. She's a bull in China shop. Hiding and doing things behind anonymity isn't her style, in fact subtly isn't in her vocab. More importantly, and this is important for all of you whole claim to love me and want my best interests to know this truth: It was Yan who found the words to get me to check into the hospital. It was Yan on two occasions who talked me out of suicide or rather didn't allow me to explore those thoughts. This isn't a slight to the familia or to Ishamariablanca or anybody else that was there for me; I am just saying that she found the right combination of words to make it stick. This means at the very least she is granted absolution for the sins of 2008. While a romantic dynamic isn't an option at this point (for reasons I will explain later) her rank and her exact place at the table is under review. All I can say now is that she will be given something I don't believe I've been given/ being given in my situation with (the) Queen: a fair hearing with ALL of the evidence presented.

On My Faith and Denomination:
I am studying to become one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I believe this is the best spiritual path for me, the only spiritual path for me. My decision is solid and cannot be open to discussion or debate.

On my relationship with BFL09/Familia:
I am aware that during this crisis my relationship with BFL09 was strained during the Love Supreme Crisis. I am sure they didn't understand my conviction or my battle; I didn't understand that inability to throw themselves into the fight with me. Yet in spite of our difficulties and differences they are still my family. I am still a member of BFL09. I am still the Commander. No matter what I am their family and I am theirs. All the dumb shit aside, I would never leave my famila. Respect our conglomerate.

On Why I Reached Out for Help via Emissaries:
A major question/concern is why I used to "emissaries" "agents" and "intermediaries" to speak to (the) Queen during the height of this crisis. I used them quite simply because they were able/supposed to articulate things I could not. They were able/supposed to be my voice of clarity and reason when I had neither clarity nor reason. To quote an old Vulcan proverb: Only Nixon can go to China. In essence it was the logical thing to do when my target audience believed(s) that I had lost my mind; just like in court an advocate to speak the language. Sometimes I chose the right people for this sensitive mission, sometimes I didn't use discernment in who I asked. I merely wanted my voice to be truly heard and not drowned out by the vision of me on the porch or whatever else had made it into her head. I will not apologize for this tactic. It was not a breach of homeland security, shit we both blogged our our dynamic and anybody with a 11th grade reasoning ability and reading level can put together what happened. I do regret some of those I asked didn't tell me no; I'd rather they not undertaken the mission rather than agree to it then bash me. That is so dishonorable. But still I do believe that the use of these advocates were a tactically sound, albeit morally complex maneuver.

On My Potential "Responsibility":
Second only to the impact of losing (the) Queen is the news that I have a new responsibility. I heard rumors of this situation for sometime, but paid them little to no mind because I was at a place in life where I simply thought it was a case of the devil being hella busy to derail my happiness. Well come to find out the devil was being hella busy and still managed to disrupt my happiness. All I can say is if it is true, then I will embrace this new responsibility with open arms and full dedication: with the condition that the other party understands there is a system in place that works, its a damn near perfect system and they (the new responsibilities) must adhere to the rules already in place. In short the system will not bend for them, they will have to conform and adhere to the rules of the system. If that can not be done then I will only do the legal minimum. The idea that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one definitely applies in this context.

On My Next Career Moves:
I would like to announce I am officially broke again, so I need to get back on the hustle. HOWEVER, working that dead end gig at CS helped drag me into a depression, so I've decided to throw myself into getting into the education/social service field. I realize its going to be problematic not taking any ole job to work, but honestly I'd rather be broke than crazy. So I am no longer allowing myself to be sidetracked just to say I have a job. Right now its teacher/counseling or bust.

On Dating and Black Love:

This is going to be tricky, as I don't want to put too much in this section because of the upcoming 90 day Love Supreme blog. However, I will say that I am currently not interested in entering another committed relationship. I need time to heal from a MAJOR LOVE LOSS, to recenter and work through some lingering hurt and confusion. I don't think it would be wise to even entertain the notion of "relationship". I said and did a lot of things which need to be reconciled; to wit I declared (the) Queen to be my soulmate and the one in public and in private. I was moving towards making that a reality in my personal life. She was given stop mom responsibilities among my children. All of this needs to be reconciled. So then in this context how can I, a mere three months after the storm/crisis begin(an), be ready to move on and love another? To me that is so....ugh. That is not my style. My honor code believes that if I were to just get over it and move on with ease then I really didn't mean shit I said and did to begin with. Real Love can't be dismantled in 90 days, you cant just forget about something that powerful and move on to the next conquest. That's like falling from a 9 story building then getting up and walking away. That shit ain't happening. So at least for me, because of the emotional, mental, spiritual, and every other kind of "al" investment, I need to heal, rebuild then contemplate moving on, but because of the level of emotion I poured into that dynamic, it certainly ain't gonna happen in 180 days, let alone 90 days. Again to do so would show I didn't mean it to begin with (in my eyes). This time has also forced me to rethink some of my theories on Black Love, primarily is it unconditional and will the notion of struggle ever return. I am forced to answer the question of "what happens when you learn a complication wasn't the fault of anyone?" "Do you give it another chance, a fair review or do we stick with our convictions because it is the easy path?" "Can we really stand the rain esp when its something like mental health?" "Do we consider the strength of our words to our loved ones?" I really have a lot of thinking to do this summer on this. But as of right now in spite of the complications I am still convinced the key to saving our community lies in Black Love and the dynamic between men and women.

Aight I gotta run.

I'll see you again on the 4th.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

7-01-2009

2:35pm

Mirror, Mirror

"Jim, I just watched my planet get destroyed.
I am emotionally compromised."
~ Old Spock to Kirk regarding his alternate self.

"If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything" ~Malcolm X

"We will never surrender." ~Winston Churchill

Part of the difficulties I am having during the "Love Supreme" crisis is my inability to make accurate command decisions or tactical maneuvers. In large part, I have become emotionally compromised and thus often created more problems than I am able to resolve because this emotional compromise often made me have conflicting, fluctuating policies. In an emotional moment I would agree to "A", then a day or so later removed my intellect and honor code would kick in and I would have to reverse that policy or agreement to "B". Or I would say "no" only to realize the logical answer would have been to say "yes".

Needless to say this gives the appearance of total instability and makes it hard to honor what you say or take serious your word. Once this happen you've effectively lost the ability to command....the situation, respect, or anything else. I'll explain this further a bit later in another blog.

But this morning's topic isn't about so much policy reversals as it is about knowing when as, Kenny Rogers so eloquently sung "knowing when to fold them"; it is about in the wisdom found in "The 36 Stratagems of Ancient China" to retreat when necessary for survival. What was about me that when faced with what is clearly going to be a Kobayashi Muru situation, I refuse to fall back. It's not just my love life that I've done this, it has also occurred in my academic career (as evident by lower grades from insulted professors) my professional career (as indicated by the zillion write ups and occasional shit canning), and was present in my earlier aborted walk to Jehovah (as evidenced by my rebellious nature hindering my advancement). In simpler terms, what is it about me that once I believe I have the moral high ground, I lose the ability to "shut the fuck up" and will continue with my "struggle"? What is it about me where I'd win the argument but lose the war. Why do I need to be heard, even when being heard may not be the best policy course. I struggled with understanding; as water seeks its own level, I knew there would be at least two people in my life who shared this same virtue or flaw.

One was my mother. She doesn't know WHEN to shut up. She is going to prove her point and be right even if it means she's the only one in the room once she's done. I asked her why, and she admitted freely this could be seen as a character flaw. But she also, as I expected, stated that her dedication to Jehovah was as such that she had to speak truth to power, like Jesus did; as one of his follower's she couldn't hide from the her responsibility to be as truthful as humanly possible and not pull punches, esp among friends and family. She reasoned if you can't speak honestly to your loved ones then who can you be honest with? Fair enough. But mom's reason isn't exactly mine, I'm nowhere the spiritual creature she is. So I searched again and then I found the one person who's skill set mirrored mine, whose temperament mirrored mine, and who in the face of obvious defeat fought tooth and nail to be heard, even if it meant losing it all.

I needed to talk to Ret. Gen. Wei Yan.

I invited her to the park to sit and talk with me. We've had a fragile peace since I found out she wasn't the blog vandal and her alibis regarding some other actions checked out. I still consider her a great friend and at one time she was the best solider on the team. However, our relationship is strained, there is an aura of distrust and anger; condescension and arrogance. But even through all of this, she does have an excellent handle on my thought process and if I thought she wouldn't kill me at the first chance I'd actually have her as my number one. She is my mirror image.


As she walked to the bench we exchanged smiles and sat down. I had been reading my Watchtower and she wanted to make sure I wasn't trying to convert her. Once I assured her it wasn't I asked her a simple and direct question:

"General, why do we fight?"

She sat there and laughed. "We fight because we're right. We fight for what we believe in. We fight because not to fight is cowardice and we aren't cowards. We may lose, but we can sleep well knowing that we gave as good as we got, we didn't walk away or run. We stood our ground. "

I sat there taking it all in. It made sense. So I asked "Does that apply to love?" General made a face that can only be described as "what the fuck" and said "It definitely applies to that. I realize that I wont be your woman, but I fought the good fight and I'm at peace. We're friends, good friends even if you wont admit it. I fought for what I believed in and I'm OK with that."

"But now you're in my shoes. You have to decide for yourself if this fight has been worth it. My fight was. I can't advise you on this. Conflict of interest. Just remember Prime Minister that sometimes its a matter of Principle. It's the principle we stand on. You used to stand out because you had that honor code, you stood on principle, you didn't betray your beliefs for a greater good. But sadly you've allowed this situation and your beloved BFL to make you forget that. I know it got tiresome being the only one standing, the only one fighting but that made you sexy. That made you different from all these niggaz out here. You used to be THE man and A man."

I sat back. "That's ego talking General, because you lost." She smirked and retorted "According to my Intel so have you. Now who's operating on ego?" I smiled. She's a snarky mofo indeed. "Of course you're going to second guess me. You never approved of me and Queen. You never knelled before the throne." She leaned forward and said "No, you've spent the past two months second guessing yourself. Outside of my intel I read your well written, snarky blogs. And I no, I wont kneel EVER. It's the principle of the matter. I assure you, if or when she gets her a new boo you wont kneel either PM. " She laughed. "It's good we're having this convo. It means you're thinking again. I'm glad you're almost back to your old self. I wish I could say good luck. I'll just say be careful. "

She got up to walk away. I walked her to her apt and we shared a few laughs and ate some Mexican corn. I told my mirror image that she IS a good friend and I appreciated her talking to me. (Forgiveness is truly a Christan concept and liberating. I'll remember that.) As we hugged she whispered something I used to live by, but somehow forgotten:

"Terrance, there IS NO greater weapon than a prepared mind. Then she stepped back and added or spirit. See ya in the funny papers."

As I walked home, thinking clearer, less emotion and more intellect I begin to critically analyze the past two months, each time removing more and more emotion. Thabiti, my friend was correct the other day....it does get clearer with each passing day.

Who would have thought all I had to do was look in the mirror.

I didn't.

I gotta start my morning walk.

Enjoy the day blogspot and snarky mofo's reading this....

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-25-2009
5:28am