The 2010 MVP

Ambassador Sarek: Kirk, I thank you. What you have done is...
Kirk: What I have done, I had to do.
Ambassador Sarek: But at what cost ? Your ship. Your son.
Kirk: If I hadn't tried, the cost would have been my soul.
~Admiral Kirk to Ambassador Sarek on why he risked everything to save Captain Spock, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

I wrestled with writing this little ode because the person it honors abhors loud and extra behavior by Negroes, and having seen her check such Negroes I really didn't want to draw her ire. Yet, I felt willing to risk it because I wanted to pay her as much respect in public as I do in private; I'm a firm believer in giving both public and private props where applicable. But still I debated a whole week (two if you count the bout of writers block) if writing this was appropriate.

Yet, not to write this would be a travesty of sorts considering I have written about MVP's who a) in retrospect shouldn't have gotten the award and b) ain't done half of what this person has done in my life. So this year's winner is gonna have to suck it up and endure this moment of extraneous and read (while smiling) their tribute blog.

In fairness this one was over before it really began....which is shocking because I honestly thought it would be impossible to top last years winners. Yet, by May this competition was in the bag; actually it wasn't even a competition it was just me completing the process so nobody could cry foul. It was sorta like the Rahm ballot hearings but on a more personal and meaningful level.

When I think of the 2010 MVP, I often ask myself why I didn't select this person sooner. She is intelligent, wise, caring, a Woman of God, giving, a great reader of people and (with no disrespect) blunt to the point being rude. I could go on about her qualities but then that would only be redundant; just know this sister is as good as they get.

While I was brainstorming this blog, I realized though I didn't see her skills or understand our friendship because I wasn't ready. I would not have recognized the wisdom and favor that my friend has brought on my life. I needed the soul breaking of 2009 to make me ready to listen in 2010. I guess this is what the Bible means when it speaks of a (set) time for favor to come (Ps 102:13 KJV). It wasn't time and I needed to be in a position to receive and finally get it.

NOW, I am aware AND appreciative of what this friendship means to me. This year's MVP is not only my BFF but my Chief of Staff. I once told her father that if I ever got my own company or became an Alderman (or something) that she would be my COS in theory as well as reality; she would be my right hand because there isn't anyone I believe I trust as much on the planet. Our friendship proves that men and women can be friends, there is love in the Kingdom and that truly virtue and wisdom come from a woman.

So without further adieu: Congratulations to 2010 MVP: Nonie Olison.

Per the custom, here is your thank you note.

COS,

I owe you. Words can not express my gratitude for you coming back for me. I mean it. Thank you for coming back for me. At a time in my life when folks didn't know how to help me, when people seemed to think I lost it, when I thought I lost it, you never quit on me. I know you don't like it when I say this, but I swear had you not been on maternity leave the LSC and DOF would not have happened. I would not have experienced that soul breaking moment. You would have saw through her/it/our nonsense and called it. But I guess then we wouldn't have be here? I guess you are right: I needed that to get to this place. So I'll accept 2009 as a corner needed to turn and in the process I can hear my BFF's and God's voice.

I love our how friendship has evolved and grown. I love how we can have open and honest dialog. I appreciate how you keep me honest without condemnation, yet you are straight forward enough to offer insight on actions that don't represent God,the Kingdom, my heirs, or myself. This is rare among people our age. I was laughing with a friend last night and she acknowledged that truly you are the COS and all roads to the throne come through Olison town.

I couldn't agree more.

I know at times I can be difficult and appear selfish to you and your needs as my bff; I can be too Terrance-centric. Trust and believe that is not the case. I am well aware you need encouragement and uplifting as well, but at times I make the mistake of forgetting even the best needs a hug and a Word every now and then. I've been working on that and hopefully it has manifested itself.

Dear friend I know right now you are going through a difficult season. This season is going to test you and push you. I have been there twice. But as God and those three elders are my witnesses, I will stand with you and help you through as you have done with me. The hubby and the kids are blessed to have you and I hope if God sees fit he will bless me with a wife of your caliber. Just as you stood tall with me on both occasions, I will stand tall with you. Your family, esp our Pastor Mama CO has my loyalty and best performance of duty.

I am not sure if you are a Trekkie but I picked the above quote from Star Trek because like Admiral Kirk going back for his friend Captain Spock, you coming back for me was a great risk also. I was as self destructive as it got and you reaching back could have gone so many different ways. But that kind of selflessness is what defines you and your family; you saw the best in me and figured out how to get your friend to press towards the mark of the high calling. Again, thank you dear friend.

COS, I don't want to be overly long, in part because there are no words to stress what you mean to me. I just needed to say and write to you dear friend what I promised. I look forward to big things in 2011 and I am glad we are going to make this journey together. Indeed, the line is moving.

One more time, Congratulations 2010 MVP!

*pause*

And before you ask Naw Negro ain't no U.S. money is attached to this award like in sports. I mean I can pay you in link dollars but mostly your financial compensation is in Kingdom money.

*play*

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised, Amen

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser

TLT
12-29-2010
1:31:15AM

Reflections on Zhuge Liang and Wei Yan: Two guys in a lunatic asylum

"(S)He was a powerful general..."~Raekwon

"Insanity:doing the same thing over and over again and
expecting different results."~Albert Einstein

I lost recently lost a friend. Our season (I believe) has finally ended.

Actually she was more than a friend to me if I can be totally honest, although I don't think she quite discerned that. After a very polemic four year dynamic, the last year full of non stop stress, our foundation finally collapsed. I guess this is the resolution I prayed for having taken the matter to the alter a number of times and earnestly asking God to either resolve our conflict or remove her from my life. I believe he did the latter based on what I am sure were mutual prayers: he ended our season. Of course being humans we compounded this sad moment with words that were straight up evil. I guess then it is as it should be.

So why do I feel like total crap today?

I'll be the first to admit that the dynamic between myself and Wei Yan was far from perfect. We both have committed acts towards each other that would make the U.S. and Al Queda beef seem mild by comparison. I know I have used this woman to further my agenda, I've thrown her under the bus, pulled her in front of a bullet for two for me, actively sought to replace her on numerous occasions in the rudest of manner, I used her for my own needs, at times disregarded hers and didn't always defend her to my most loved ones. Conversely, she has to be one of the single biggest reasons I've lost serious creditability in some circles, namely with T.G.S. during a most critical time last year. She slept with one of my boys, tried to whack me at least twice and during the LSC and DOF joined with the chorus of others that laughed, mocked and danced on my (or so they thought) grave. My closest brother hated her, most of my friends hated her, and at times I hated her. Even as I write this down I have all the reasons right here to be glad this season is over.

So why do I feel like total crap today?

T.G.S. once referred to situations like this as "the bullsheet you know". My Chief of Staff likened my dynamic to an addiction, and my late mother who liked her a lot often worried about our gross dysfunction. It all made sense when I swore for the last time she would tell me to "die" and I would still talk to her. I swore that I would let her ultimatum deadline pass without a word, say my goodbyes and allow her to test the free agent market. I felt good doing it.

But over the weekend I got to remembering the good times, the times where we laughed. The times where we both held each other and discussed the world. I remembered how she helped make the 30th conference a success. I remember how when I gave my luncheon presentation she was the first person to greet me as I collapsed in her arms, tearful that my father couldn't see me shine. I remembered her helping me get to wal-mart to get my dying father what he needed, then begging me to make peace with him before he died (I did and I am thankful for that). I thought of our romantic moments. I thought (and still think) of her children, esp number #3 that I adore as my own. I reflected on how she often worried about my sons and my mother; I remember her checking on the Queen mother often more than I did. I remember all of those things that made us happy and I weigh what good against was bad and I get....

Zero. -100+100=0. I can't fudge the numbers even if I wanted to.

It balances out. It is zero. Our evil equally matches our good and I am not sure that is love. Or if it is love I don't know what that means. I told a dear friend just Friday that I believe strongly in the comparative analysis in situations like this and the question of "why we couldn't get it done in four years" is valid esp when I was thisclose to marrying somebody else in a matter of months. What where we lacking, could we ever obtain it and would the scales ever balance out. I do believe Wei Yan to be a great woman, a beautiful mother and a gentle soul. I am not sure I brought those qualities out in her any more than she brought out the best in me. Elkketia, despite being her one voice of support in my space often said "TLT, yall season is over. Both of you just are keeping it on life support. Only God can save it now." I felt this was right on....

but
today
I feel
like crap.

In church this morning my Pastor talked about the devil using our insecurities to make us second guess God's blessing and decisions. The devil plants these seeds in our head, makes us wanna back track to what we left; we do so then disqualify ourselves from our blessings. He makes us leave too soon or too late and before we know it we've committed spiritual suicide. If this is the resolution that has been set before me based on at least my prayers for an answer, I can't disqualify myself going backwards. I can't allow harsh words on the Internet likening us "to watching paint dry" or "a waste of time and life" to make me feel like I did something wrong. Yall, I tried a million different ways from Sunday to make this work, and neither of us could agree on terms that were "fair market value". It would have been the easy path, the wide road to just settle and I just couldn't; I firmly believe the wide path leads to destruction and settling leads to sinking and after four years our scales equal zero. I know Pastor was correct. I can't second guess this. Still this reminds me of a joke:

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night... one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see he's afraid of falling... So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But, the second guy just shakes his head. He says... he says "What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across."~Joker The Killing Joke 1988

Did I seriously just use a joke from a graphic novel between two mortal enemies to describe this dynamic? My mother would say the proof is in the pudding, right there an answer reveled. Indeed we are mirror images and that might have been the single biggest reason to walk on by(e). It's even scarier when I can find "us" in both historical and fictional dysfunctional dynamics. We're Batman and Joker, Zhuge and Wei Yan, MacArthur and Truman, David and Michal, I mean come on..geesh. That says a lot. A whole lot. And going back to the earlier point: the numbers don't lie. We balanced out...right back to point A.

*pause*
Before I continue, I would like to take this moment to announce the elimination of the S5 position. It has caused more problems that what it is worth; it leads to complex dynamics and it was this position's "ease" that enabled us to lie to each other about what we wanted and agree to a contract that was bullcrap. That initial lie sowed seeds were weren't ready to reap. At 35, I have no need for anything below an S3. It is time to retire and retire that God awful position.

*play*

Perhaps this is the devil trying to get me to move out of my place, get us to move out of our place and disqualify ourselves. If her words are true and she prayed for a resolution as I did then I can only have faith that this is it. I will not second guess God. These feeling of crap will subside. If not I will simply take it to my elders allow their guidance to help me deal (Jas 5:14).

Now, as painful as it is, or as confused as I may be, I can only say:

"I wish you the best in your future endeavors. I.Wil never forget you."

But today....

Giving honor to my Creator (who is forever praised, Amen)

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
8-15-2010
7:50pm

Towards a More Perfect Union: Still Rethinking Black Love

"You are a beautiful as Tirzah my darling,
as lovely as Jerusalem,
as majestic as troops with banners.
Turn your eyes from me;
they overwhelm me"~
Song of Solomon 6:4-5(Songs) TNIV

I have no clue as to what it is about the weather turning nice that is so toxic to Black relationships. Perhaps it is the alluring effect of the summer wind blowing freely that touches our primal side making us want to run wild and act like beasts in heat. Or maybe it's the plethora of half dressed chicks and men in body shirts that leave nothing to the imagination and get the blood flowing. What is it that makes us want to drop our "Winter Mami/Papi" and go play for the summer like a fall TV show on hiatus? Perhaps mofo's are tired of being cooped up; just like the old settlers they can finally leave their log cabin of after a long winter of relationships. When the snow melts and they get that desire to go out and explore the world (simple translation: they just tired of you).

I confess I don't have answers to these queries. I guess I am raising them in my never ending (self) dialog on Black love; I am also moved by a number of my friends who seem to be going through these motions at the moment. A few of my guys are ready to dump their girls, several of homie girls are ready to sign them papers, if they haven't out right signed them. It's maddening, especially when I've become the de facto relationship advice go to guy.

*pause*
I would be remiss and intellectually dishonest if I didn't point out that my last few runs crashed and burned and thus I am at a lost as to why they would come to me for help. I reckon I'm good at saving other folks stuff but not myself; or maybe even better I didn't (at the time) have the full set of necessary skills to save/fix/work through my dynamics.
*play*

I have explored Black love a few times in this space among various concepts: political, motivational, and the bluntly crude. However, I have never explored Black Love from a spiritual stand point. I will attempt to do that now.

As I grow in my spiritual walk, I am learning to put God and his righteous laws first; it does not matter what the area is, I need to make sure I use biblical application and spiritual discernment. The Apostle Paul writes in 2 Timothy 3:16-17: "All Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness, that the man of God may be fully competent, completely equipped for every good work (NWT). Thus, using the Scriptures, I decided to find a concise definition of love to frame my argument and naturally that lead me to the definition of love that is outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Here the Apostle Paul is very clear in what makes up the emotions and actions of love: patience, kindness, rejoices in the truth, always protecting, trusting, hoping, and persevering; at the same time he is very clear on what emotions and actions are NOT a part of love: pride, dishonor, self seeking, easily angered, envy, or keeping a record of the evil done. Further in verse eight of the same chapter he reminds us that "love never fails" and in verse thirteen we are told that "the greatest of these (faith, hope and love) is love.

Thus with a firm definition of love in place, the first logical question that Black Love (or those of you bless to be in a relationship based on Black Love) must ask is this: "Does the relationship we have and profess to have operate within the spiritual definition of love? As much as it depends on you (us) are we adhering to the Apostle's wise counsel? Is the dynamic full of trust, kindness, patience, hope, and truth (just to name a few) or is it full of the opposite: anger, selfishness, envy, pettiness, and dishonor? Black Love is like a flower seeking to bloom, and it will thrive off of the former, but will surely die off the latter. If your dynamic does not have the qualities of true love what can be done to infuse or inculcate them into your dynamic? Answering this essential question can be a major help in deciding if what you have is worth saving or fighting for.

Now that we have a spiritual definition of love to use, and we have spiritual examples of how love feels and acts, the next logical step in this formula is understand how our overall thinking effects how we operate with in Black Love. In doing this there are two things that immediately come to mind: what thoughts occupy our mental space and what words come out of our mouth.

In dealing with what occupy our thoughts the most important question to ask is "Are my thoughts where they need to be?" or "Am I thinking about another when I should be thinking about he or she?" It's damn near impossible to have productive Black love if your time is engaging in thoughts of another. I am reminded of the wise counsel our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, offers at Matthew 5:28. Jesus says here: "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart" While Jesus uses a married man's thought as an example his message here is clear: "You think it, you've done it." He didn't mince words or play around in hyperbole. Honestly, and I've been on both sides of this coin, how long do you think one can harbor all kinds of inappropriate thoughts before it effects their relationship. Jesus here wanted us to truly understand the wisdom found at Proverbs 23:7 "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. (KJV)" You can not continue to eat and drink the images, affections and thoughts of another and still keep your mind and spirit with the person you have offered a commitment too. It is only a matter of time before, as Jesus so wonderfully put it, that you are faced with the realization that "no man can serve two masters (Luke 16:13 TNIV)."

Please don't think I am acting holier than thou. That is not my intent. I will state it again for the record: I know this to be true not only because the Bible tells me it is true, but because I have been on both sides of this coin. Believe me when I tell you I know firsthand that as long as you harbor these thoughts, you will try to serve two masters; most importantly it will be only a matter of time before you are confronted in the reality about those naughty desires laid out in James 1:15 "after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." Like the above counsel on adultery, we can apply this to relationships: death in this context is the death our our relationship (and honestly our spiritual well being).

In speaking on the book James, he has offers sound advice for part two of our thought equation. Here James exhorts us to mind our tongue. James advises us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because our anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires" (James 1:19-20 TNIV). With this scripture in mind, is our (yours or mine) version of Black Love filled with all kinds of language and words that bring forth anger and wrath? Do the words we speak reflect love or are there nothing but hurt feelings, pain and suffering. Is the dynamic one of "you so and so" today then tomorrow "I love you? " Such behaviors can not feed love. Words hurt. Words remain. Words once spoken can never be taken back. I would argue most of the demise starts here: a painful word, leads to a wandering mind and then the definition and framework of love gets ignored or removed. Real talk we need to watch what we say; "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" is written in the bible for a reason. Honestly, if we can't watch what we say to our loved ones, which is really easy and simple, then we can't be expected to, and will not do, the really hard things.

The last thing that should be a staple of Black love, using the spiritual paradigm, is regardless if we actually "see" it or not it (Black Love) should be felt, it should be obvious from the things around us, in the same essence that the Creator's (who is forever praised Amen) love engulfs us. I am reminded of the words Paul writes in Romans 1:19-20 where he speaks about how although we have never "seen" God, his invisible qualities "have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made." In essence Paul is saying even though you can't touch it, you know its there from the things you see around you, from the presence it has on your life and how it makes you feel. Should not Black Love be the same thing? If you and your mate don't say a word all afternoon, shouldn't you be able to sit under that person and feel their warmth and love? If you and that person just wake up in the morning and share a glance, should the love not be evident? Even though you can't see a thing doesn't mean you can't see a thing ya know? Does the love you have subscribe to this scriptural message or do you have to struggle to find the energy, find the reason, find something to even apply the above principles, let alone live within the definition outlined in 1 Corinthians. If not then you really need to sit down, take this matter to God in prayer and see if your dynamic can be should saved.

I think I'm stop here. I don't want the blog to be overly preachy. I mean I could talk about the advise Solomon offers in Ecclesiastes or how couples should treat each other in Ephesians but I won't. I will offer and suggest you read those scriptures for yourself to get some understanding in how Black love can truly be saved and not be given just another quick fix transfusion. Like all other areas in our life, if we don't take Black Love to its spiritual and scriptural essence it will die.

I am sure some of you all who are reading this will probably dismiss it as another one of TLT rants or even hide behind the wonderfully flawed post modern notion of "you're single till you're married (I stole this from someone)" or as a frat brother of mine used to say "job applications don't ask if you have a girl. They asked are you married." I implore to rethink this foolishness. Such a position is dangerously post mod and logically unsound. Let me correct a fallacy right here and now: "practice doesn't make perfect." What makes perfect is "Perfect practice" The bad habits and erroneous thinking you have now you will take into your relationship and one day into your marriage and it WILL KILL IT. DEAD.

Before I end this, I want to encourage you all to read Solomon's "Song of Songs." While thinking about my aforementioned friends and their relationship woes, I feel asleep listening to the version recorded on "The Bible Experience" and I can tell you that was Black Love at its finest. I suggest finding "The Bible Experience" or reading the "Song of Songs (TNIV version is the best)" to really see what it means to have a spiritualyl productive love. It motivated me to write a blog.

What will in motivate you to do?

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5/12/2010
8:51PM

The Wildreness Trek and Entering My Joshua Moment

"You're not crazy, you're just dizzy from

going around that mountain so many times" ~CO

I would be lying if I said I didn't at times look back on the events of last year and not experience a sense of anger and bitterness that sometimes defy logic and is hard to put into words. Depending on the day, there are times where I feel/felt that I was screwed in a manner that would make Bret Hart feel totally sorry for me. There are moments where I would swear, if I asked, that I got the most half ass chance in history; professional wrestling would call me a "transitional champion" but in the dating world I think I would be called...

Never-mind. Such thoughts are unproductive and really aren't gonna resolve anything.

Yet, as real as those feelings can be (and at times are), I must admit they come about visiting spaces and places I have no discernible reason going or as my mama would say "ain't got no business being there." In a twisted sense of irony, I used to admonish folks for doing that, realizing the dangers in making judgments or drawing conclusions esp when you don't have all the information or knew the whole story. Still I guess that is a part of sin and imperfection to do that; I confess being in this role (at times) helps me understand the mind set of others who struggled to overcome whatever thorn in their flesh they (we) have to dealt with.

It was in a moment of brooding reflection that my mind allowed itself to wander and I got to see the world without time and realized that I was in the same position in the Spring/Summer of 2008 that I was in 2009; it was scary when I realized that almost to the letter the same players were involved in that drama. A love lock down, a sudden departure, being passed over for the wider path, and a couple of insane suitors. I mean it was letter for letter the same situation. Suddenly I realized that Soror Sage was right, as wonderfully intelligent as I am most days, I hadn't learned a damn thing in my travels and I really needed to figure out how I got from there to there and not moved one friggin iota on more than one occasion.

With this Chinese riddle on my mind I walked into worship this morning trying to figure out how I got trapped in ground hog day mode. As I sat in there, I listened to a wonderful woman of God ask us how long are we gonna walk in circles in the forest lost, trying to find our way home with bread crumbs. She asked when we going to stop using things that didn't work (i.e. the bread crumbs) and finally listen to the directions God is trying to give us. I stood there taking this in and for the first time in almost four months I begin to let go of my emotions and praised him with tears and a thankful heart. I'm not doing it her words proper justice; you had to have been there to hear her spiritual plea for us to return to God and let him lead.

As powerful as that was, nothing could have prepared me for the sermon I heard next.

This morning "CO" preached on reaching the Joshua moment of our lives, where we finally move into the "Promised Land." However, before this can happen we all must, almost without fail,wander in our own wilderness, and depending on what we needed to learn or get rid of that time may be brief or like the Israelites in the bible forty years.

For those of you who are biblically challenged here's the back story:

• Jehovah delivers the Israelites out of Egypt starting with the 10 plagues* and ending with the drowning of the Egyptian army at the Red Sea.
• It's supposed to be like an five-eleven day journey to the Promised Land of Canaan but....
• Israel shows no faith, no gratitude, no loyalty so as a punishment for their continued sins God lets them wander in the wilderness for forty years so the cowardly, unfaithful elders could die off, and new faithful ones who could be trained and ready to do God's will could be born. This lead to...
• the death of Moses and the ascension of his right hand man Joshua to head of Israel as they moved to claim the Promise Land. It should be noted that of all the Israelites who left Egypt only Joshua and Caleb were old enough to remember life in captivity. It should be also noted (thanks Ellektia) that Moses HAD to die off to prepare for a change in leadership

Got all of that? If not you can read the the account in Exodus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, and Joshua respectively.

CO explain that the time in the wilderness can be a punishment, but it can also be a moment to learn what to do when you reach the promise land; what habits of mind to take with you, how to discern what should matter and most importantly that in the promised land you will have to work and be strong in the faith; it is when we are comfortable do we get lazy and forget about God. In what probably was the best sermon I've heard this year (beating out the Valentine's Day Sermon) she described that we are not unlike the Israelites, namely Joshua, in that we will have to go through some things in order to be ready for the Promised Land. Joshua was on the front lines of that battle, Joshua snuck into Canaan to scout the land, Joshua had to be both loyal to God and Moses, the list goes on. I mean now that I think about it she's right, Moses, like most administrators, really did have it rough, but Joshua like a true solider had to bear the brunt of grunt work.

Guess what good people? Before we can get into our Promised Land, we will have to do some grunt work as well. We're gonna have to learn from, listen to and carry the water of the Moses' in our lives so we can know how to lead and when we ascend to leadership. We are going to have to have courage, keep God's word and be ready to clean our space of those who don't who don't share our faith and visions (like the nations surrounding Israel) I mean when we read the opening verses in the book of Joshua, we can get a clear blueprint of what has to be done before we get to the promised land. Check it out. Jehovah tells the Israelites in no uncertain terms that the old way, represented by Moses is dead. He let them know that while the covenant was still in place, the way the covenant was implemented was changed. He urged Joshua to be brave (no less than three times) to keep his laws and to fulfill all that they were promised and ordered to.

Again, this blog won't do the sermon proper justice and I won't exactly try to re-create it in this space, but again it got me to thinking about my riddle.

Outside of the revelation that history had repeated itself last year, I wondered for the first time if this was a apart of the divine plan. My Minister of the Interior (and co-MVP) often told me there was no way God was going to give me one of his daughters until I dealt with all I needed to deal with. She used to say, much to my irritation, that I was not ready for the "promised land". I used to scoff at that notion, often citing how long I've been in the wilderness and that my time was now.

I learned the hard way that my time and my concept of growth was not the same as the God's.

Like the Israelites of old, God stopped me at the border and sent me around the mountain one more time. No matter how many times I went skipping to the border joyfully proclaiming "I'm ready", or thinking it was my moment, my heavenly Father knew that I wasn't ready (or to be intellectually honest the situation wasn't ready), and one more trait had to die off in the wilderness. I had to kill off the traits of: insecurity, arrogance, jealousy; and in its place had to be born the traits of: Security, humbleness, and most importantly faith.

I've gone around the mountain so many times I'm actually friggin dizzy, so dizzy folks think I'm crazy. I now see that I'm not (that) crazy. I really am just dizzy from going around the mountains so many times.

Not trying to be presumptuous, I am sure my lingering feelings of occasional anger and bitterness is earning me another trip around the mountain. There is no way he is going to allow me to enter the promised land and have my Joshua moment cursing at another man's blessing. There is no way I can have that Joshua moment being resentful; it shows I am ungrateful for what I have now and zero faith in where he will take me. I know I need to pray for discernment, to lose these improper emotions and unGodly thoughts on current wilderness trek around the mountain because honestly I don't want to hear those very familiar words: "Gone around that mountain one more time." Moreover I need to do so not out of requirement, but out of love, as the Apostle Paul implores us to do.

This can only be done by following the instructions the Creator (who is forever praised Amen) gave to Joshua:

"Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

He didn't instruct him to mourn, be bitter and keep an account of the evil done. He didn't instruct him to be angry at another man's blessings, or be afraid to move on. This isn't even up for discussion.

I will learn this during this journey around the mountain.....I ain't trying to go back around. This mountain is huge.

In Truth and Transparency
Straight, No Chaser,
TLT
4/25/2010
7:15pm

Wrestlemania 19

"The tongue has the power of life and death, those who love it will eat its fruit"

~Proverbs 18:21(TNIV)

Recently, while working on my "Faith and paradigms" piece, I went and looked at some of my writings from April from last year. Now if you know me or have been following this blog for any length of time, then you know I am probably the most introspective cat you know. Thus, I was curious to see if I evolved at all; I wanted to walk through time and look at my mental during this trying period. I always said that was the major purpose for writing so much then, to document history and have a real time record of the challenges I was going through. I didn't go through the entire spectrum mind you, but rather I concentrated my retrospective on the first month, April, when all that began.

In what could be considered pure creative genius (or sheer desperation and lunacy) I clocked an amazing 29 blogs for that month. 29 blogs out of 30 days. Think about it: 29 straight blogs about a love lost, the struggles of healing, trying to find faith, seeking understanding, and all kinds of depressing stuff. Don't get me wrong, those works were brilliant, they were honest, at times snarky and funny as they were soul wrenching, but still they just showed a side of me in pain that I don't think anybody has ever seen before.

Last year, when I was discussing my heart and fortitude I compared myself to the great (and sadly now retired) HBK Shawn Michaels. I said that moment in time was my Wrestlemania 14. To quickly recap, Wrestlemania 14 was the last match HBK had before he left (at the time we thought for good) to have back surgery. He performed his behind off in that match and he did it hurt, he did it even though he was emotionally spent, and he did it because he was a true champion.

Likewise, as hard as I fell, as hurt as I was I endured and kept going. April was my very own Wrestlemania 14, the moment when I thought I was broken for good and headed towards retirement way ahead of schedule.

With this in mind imagine our surprise in the summer of 2002 when Shawn Michaels returned to the ring at Summerslam. It was like he didn't lose a step. He came back and performed at a level that rivaled and surpassed where he was when he left. More importantly, he came back with a sense of maturity and sense of peace that could only be described as inspirational.

Even more inspirational than his Summerslam match was his classic five-star match with Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania 19. This match erased any lingering doubts that HBK had not only returned, he returned better than before. If you haven't seen this match or don't know what the heck I'm rambling about I've left the link here.

Of course *sexy smile* this moment, this resurrection and return, is my Summerslam. It is my time to return to life better, stronger and wiser when I left. It is my time to come back to what I love, those I love, doing what I love and show my growth as a man, faith as Christian, and skills as a writer.

I know what you're thinking: "Big talk mofo. Sure you say you found your faith again, sure claim you got that swag back, sure you are declaring you back on you square but this is all talk. Do something to make us believe negro!"

You know snarky mofo's you gotta point. I do need to do something big. I gotta do something to prove to you guys that I am really serious.

What I am about to undertake will be my Wrestlemania 19. It will be show and prove that I am back, better than ever with my God giving me the strength to do this and all things. I am going to match my April output in writing with a twist: I am not going to write about anything somber, depressing, relating to heartbreak, meetings with the devil, or any other form of that I did during last year. I am going to show and prove once and forever that not only can I write when I am happy and feelin' fine, I am going to show and prove that I am connected to my Lord and Savior (who is for ever praised AMEN) and I am drawing on his energy for new creative inspiration.

Don't get it twisted I am not claiming to be a holy roller or Jesus freak or anything like that. This blog won't become blogspot's 700 club. I am just hella excited about re-connecting with my faith and being back on good terms with my God. I'm occasionally drop some sad/oh wow/make you wanna cry gem. OK, maybe a little more than occasionally. You can never really get rid of the classics.

Except this month. This month I am going to show that if I can function in the darkness I can function and want to function in the light. I understand now what Donald Lawrence (taken from Proverbs 18:21) was speaking when he sung: "One Word Away..the power of life and death is in what you say!" I didn't understand this in the midst of last year.

I understand that now. Last April I spent so much time with my head low in April shows. This year I am going to out stretch my arms and dance with faith feet in the rain.

I will have my Wrestlemania 19.

I hope you enjoy this ride.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-07-2010
3:11pm

On Faith and Shifting Paradigms

"I wonder what would happen when you stop being scared and truly ask God for direction"

~Minister of the Interior

So....

Last night I wrote about my "Resurrection Sunday"experience and I, as expected, was meet with some pretty positive remarks. I absolutely love it when my uplifting stuff gets this kinda praise because it just shows me that I don't suffer from what I call the "Mary J/Marvin Gaye" syndrome. What is that you ask? Well its a snarky way of asking if outside of the sad/complex/sexual paradigm present in my writing does all the other TLT work suck? Apparently not. I guess I've gotten over the "I can't write unless I'm sad" hump. I have to give God the glory for this, as my time away allowed me to truly shift my world view without sacrificing the concept and strength of Straight, No Chaser.

However, I don't think it was my writing skills but rather the subject matter that garnered the shocks of awe therein. I am sure a blog entitled "Resurrection Sunday" from a guy who has professed on a number of occasions to be a supporter of and walking towards the path of being a Jehovah's Witness (JW) raised more than a few eyebrows. Equally, I reckon a such a spiritual blog from a cat who spent seventy-five percent of 2009 in darkness, despair and depression caused some mouths to drop; in fairness it's kinda hard, as my dear Minister of the Interior once commented, NOT to read some of my work and assume I was at best a heathen and at worst some new age religion or atheist.

Let me dispel this myth once and for all time: I was born and raised in the Jehovah's Witness denomination. Despite some misleading and incorrect information out there and spread about them, JW's are in fact a part of the Christian family. Agreed, they often do things apart and antithetical to mainstream Christianity, however this doesn't negate the fact that they are a denomination of Christianity. With this fact in mind let me state for the record that I EMPATHICALLY AND WITHOUT QUESTION BELIEVE IN GOD. I AM NOT AN ATHEIST NOR APART OF SOME NEW AGE MOVEMENT. I am and shall always be a Christian and will always follow and adhere to the tenants of Christianity as outlined in the Holy Bible.

But if this is true, it doesn't quite explain how and why someone who all but affirmed unwavering loyalty to this denomination (even to a point of kicking off family civil wars) ended up writing a piece full of images and language that runs counter to the JW lexicon.

The answer is quite simple. I am no longer seeking to be a member of that denomination and decided to step out and finish my spiritual journey in the context of exploring broader Christianity.

Let me do this another way: Like Malcolm X, I am leaving a branch of my faith that indeed gave me the initial training I needed, but at the same time was restrictive to my growth in the essential three: faith, hope and love.

I'll pause a moment and let this sink in.....

*pause*
I wonder when they are going to bring out a new Romance of the Three Kingdoms game?

*play*
As I was saying, much like Malcolm X, I am embarking on my own hajji, my own Damascus journey to draw closer to God and understand his words and requirements. I needed to step out of my spiritual box and see what the rest of the spectrum was like.

Yet, this doesn't explain the "why". Why did I shift? Why did I walk away?

I can't say when it began. Maybe it was that afternoon I sat in Borders in the fall of 2006 and read Crisis of Conscience by Raymond Frantz. Maybe reading his words and listening to the account of one of the JW's governing body talk about the pitfalls and problematics really shock my core.

Or maybe it was the fact that after I started my study, no JW I met could explain to me what happened in 1975, at least honestly. Nobody was willing to explain this outside of "it wasn't us but some apostate." Failure to acknowledge mistakes or errors really turn me off.

Could it been the fact that I've seen the same behaviors in the organization that I saw in the "world". With rare exceptions I saw the same petty egos, nepotism, hustlers and women that I was told to run from in the world.

Was it the fact that in order to be one, as rational as it may seem, also seemed to go against bible training? Why did I have to study first to profess belief my faith in God and the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ?

Maybe it was that time I went to church with Wei Yan. I remember going to church with her and being so afraid, having been taught all my life that tongues, holy ghosting, and call and response where evil. I remember Wei Yan trying to explain this wasn't evil but gifts from God to me but I didn't want to listen. Yet there was something so beautiful about that service I never forgot.

Perhaps all of these things laid dormant in the back of my mind. I'm often told that faith and intellect are a bad combo; I don't agree with that but I am guessing I questioned myself right out of my faith.

BUT.....

The real truth is my faith died during LSC and DOF. As one snarky mofo commenter posted a while ago my faith wasn't working and I needed to rethink my position.

During this time I found no comfort in the path I was on, no hope, no alleviation from the pain and it made me think truly about what it was I believed in and why was I on the path of being a JW. I was going through the motions, bible study, going to the Hall, reading the material but on the inside, spiritually I was dead.

I'm not sure who that reflects poorly on: Me or them, what I do know is I needed a major paradigm shift. I began to talk with people I trusted about the matter, people like my CO-MVP's, my brother, Rev. Dr. Wonder Woman, my Chief of Staff and Ekklektia. Each one affirmed what I felt and could not tap: I AM a man of God, I sought to do his will but I needed to restart my faith. They advised me to seek the truth of God on my own and leave behind the regimentation of being a JW. One of my co-MVP's phrased it best: I began to worship out of loyalty to my mother and fear of crossing the line than out of faith. What would happened if I asked God to take that fear from me and guide my steps?

I pondered this long and hard. I asked God for direction.

He answered it in the form of an old friend that had come back into my space. This sister encouraged me and begged me to go to church with her, not unlike my other friends who advised and asked this of me. Maybe it was the fact we were in a dating dynamic, maybe it was she really didn't know the extent of my lack of faith and didn't pressure me, but whatever the reasons, she found the words to get me to at least try one more time going to church. I remember taking these feelings of fear with me when I went into the church with N.R who got me to relax and open up (and for this I am forever grateful).

In spite of these fears, it was a marvelous experience. I was touched. Even moreso those praying and offering prophesy knew what I had going on inside of me. They understood. The brother that put the oil on my head knew. His words calmed my spirit. It made me open up. For the first time in years I felt a connection, I felt the divine presence. I felt God. So I went to church a few more times with N.R. each time soaking it up. I begin to ask everybody I knew questions and absorb as much material as I could. Finally it made sense...again. I got my connection back. I healed and was ready to leave my box and explore the larger landscape of Christianity.

In essence, I defied my fears jumped the fence and found a beautiful world. I found a world that helped me heal and get arise alive in faith, hope and love. Trust me when I tell you that it was scary as heck jumping that fence and looking into something I was raised was wrong and not productive. Trust me when I say that took faith.

I don't want this post to appear to be anti- JW because it's not. ALL denominations from Roman Catholic to Southern Baptist have their errors and potential problematics. JW's are no exception. I am merely stating that denomination is no longer for me. I look at them the same way Malcolm X looked the NOI: I am VERY grateful for the ground work laid, the intital training and introduction to God, but I needed to do something else for a number of reasons. Unlike Malcolm X though I'm not going to bash them as he did the NOI. I have no reason to. They are not my enemy. Besides, My mother and several good friends remain connected to that organization. Can I truly bash my mother or them? No! Honestly, mainstream Christianity could learn (and has already taken quiet as it's kept) a few things from them: dedication to learning the bible and not relying on the interpretation of others, a serious outreach ministry, separation of the pulpit and politics, an examination of a lot of these so called Christian holidays and lastly at least understanding where the name Jehovah (YHWH) comes from. At the same time JW's can learn a whole lot from mainstream Christianity like how to keep your faith and intellect, how to explore the deeper meanings of the bible, how understand poetic devices as opposed to literal readings in the bible and how to reach out across the isle. The boxes aren't aren't always necessary within the faith.

Regardless my path is set. I will find me a nice church home and worship my God. I am going to continue to press towards the mark, continue to learn his word and cultivate my faith. While I am more than willing to do this in the confines of the Christian faith, I am unwilling to do so in the box of a denomination and human dogma, esp when there are unanswered questions.

In Romans 1:16-17 the Apostle Paul writes:

"I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God who brings salvation to everyone who believes...For in the Gospel the righteousness of God is revealed-a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: The righteous will live by faith."

It is with this faith that I reconnected and will now continue to walk in God's light, do his will and be a better man. With faith in God I have done and can continue to do these and all things...

And only the mistakes have been mine.

Be blessed!

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-5-2010
4:30pm

Resurrection Sunday

"Happy Anniversary" ~T.G.S.

HAPPY RESURRECTION SUNDAY AND WELCOME BACK!

Let's get into it.

On this day, one year ago, I died. No it wasn't a physical death although I came close on numerous occasions. Instead I died in the worst way possible. I lost the essential three; it was a spiritual, mental, and emotional death.

With the lost of the essential three I entered THE darkest moment of my life, one that would go on until mid January. I was lost. I had no faith. I had little hope and the love I was receiving wasn't enough to sustain me. Truly it was a soul breaking moment.

I won't recount all of it here. This blog chronicled those events from the day of until the final moments. If you feel so inclined you can go back to read it.

I also will not explore what went wrong. That also was done ad nausea. Indeed I brought some of it on myself, in other spaces I wasn't treated fairly or given a fair chance, and other times it just was piss poor communication. Regardless of what happened all parties will have to stand before the Creator of worlds and give an account. Either way the time for reflection over the "cause" has past. Instead I would rather take the positive lessons, the moments when I was "better than the best" and transform them into a blueprint for how to be a true God filled, God fearing, husband, father, brother and leader.

I won't even discuss the friends lost, enemies made, and reputations tarnished. In this regard I will simply say I do not expect my friends to remain my friends, nor my enemies to remain my enemies, but I do expect me to, hence forth, prepared either way. As far as my "honor" and "reputation" I can only say that I have made peace with my God, I have been given his grace and forgiveness. I will show that his mercy is justified by changing my works and doing better. I have nothing to prove to anybody. The one person I needed to apologize to, outside of my sons, has been apologized too and if given a chance atonement and restitution will be made. Other than that everybody else will be alright.

What I will discuss is how this indeed is a "Happy Anniversary". I confess when the idea was tossed at me earlier today in a text message I was taken aback. I mean at that moment I thought it was pretty rude and morbid to think of a day so full of sadness and pain, a day that lead to so much darkness be considered happy. Really did folks think so little of me and what WE went through that they thought it was a cause for celebration? I was really appalled.

Then I prayed on the matter, asking for discernment and guidance. I checked my emotions. I held my tongue and I was slow to speak. As promised, Holy Spirit comforted and reveled the answer to me, although in the most unusual way.

This day, so personal to me, is no different than Resurrection Sunday. In fact there are several similarities, several lessons that can and SHOULD discerned from the ransom sacrifice and rising from the dead. I just needed to step back and listen.

Consider: Today marks the resurrection of OUR Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and is about so much more than pain, suffering, and death. It is about Victory. It is about how Jesus defeated Satan, conquered death, and gave us a way to be in God's grace. While we acknowledge and see his death as an important component in the equation for our salvation we don't harp on his death, it is not the most important moment, the resurrection is. Jesus understood this. This is why, while on the cross, he asked God to forgive them " for they know not what they do." He didn't lament his death but instead awaited his resurrection, the fulfillment of prophesy and his time on the throne.

Likewise, while I am no Christ, today marks a spiritual, emotional, and mental (and in some ways a physical one) resurrection for me; I have arisen from my tomb of despair, discomfort, lack of faith and sorrow. I had to let, now and forever, that pain go. While there are lessons learned and meanings made in what happened, the greater story is what comes next. The story will be in what springs from the seeds of hope that were planted for by me and watered by God through my faith in him.

The LSC and DOF made me a better man. Nobody said my process to be a better man would be easy or smooth. To be concise life is struggle, evolution is struggle, and growth is struggle. While God does not bring evil or tempt with evil, he will use such moments as a teaching experience, to get us to draw close to him. I now believe I needed such a moment. This moment showed me my strengthens and weaknesses. It showed me what I could do and what I could handle. It showed me who my friends and enemies are.

Most importantly it re-affirmed my faith. I am back in God's mercy and grace and I am walking the proper path. Indeed, I am smiling and happy. I have risen from the darkest moment in my life, I have shaken the lingering effects of that time off and ready to use those lessons to be a better man.

When viewed through this lens this is a "Happy Anniversary", not for the love lost, for true love cant be lost, but rather for the dying and resurrection cycle all Christians must go through in order to be complete and healed. It is a "Happy Anniversary" because I understand, I get it and won't ever forget.

With these lessons, with the renewed sense of faith, hope and love, with the renewed connection to my Creator who is forever praised Amen, I can now truly press towards the mark of the high calling.

May you all be blessed on this Resurrection Sunday!

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight No Chaser
TLT
4-4-2010
7:13pm

Fade to Black: The Book of TLT

"Thank you for keeping me resolute,
when all around me seemed lost" ~Eli

It's time. I dreaded this day and tired to find a hundred reasons not to go forward with this decision, but I couldn't find nary a one. But honestly even if I found those reasons it IS time I take this step back. As I said in December, I have written the world's longest love letter, poured my heart and soul into this blog and I truly need to take time off this to finish reconstructing memory, reconnecting with history, and finally doing whatever it is God wants me to do. More importantly, it is time I finish my process of healing, in private, and clean up any lingering messes I made in 2009.

I will be back, when all are one. I am not sure when that one will be; although I know it will be.

As I depart, I leave you with this track by Al Green, which I got from one of the opening sequences in "The Book of Eli". I think it will serve as a PROPER closing in this chapter of Straight, No Chaser just as it served its purpose in the opening sequences of that wonderful, spiritual epic; We both share in an underlying theme of healing. Like Eli, I need to finish my journey.



I thank you all for your love and support. I WILL see you soon.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
9:01pm
1-22-2010

Truth and Transparency: The FIRST Rant of 2010

"You want it to be one way..but it's another"~ Marlo Stanfield

You know I should have written the year end review the way I had originally planned, but true to the form of 2009, I kinda held back to make sure I didn't piss anybody off, hurt any feelings or otherwise create any more messes that I would have to clean up in 2010.

One of the more interesting phenomenon of celebrating a new year is our obsession to leave the past behind without reconciling any of the events, people or emotions that came with the previous year. It's like we believe that somehow at 12:01am on New Year's day we can just close our eyes and the events that lead us to this space and place would somehow disappear.

Oh snarky mofo reading this if only it were that easy.

The real truth is that despite all of our lofty proclamations to "leave the past behind" without reconciling any events or people we are simply setting ourselves up to have a rehash of the previous years events. I would submit that instead of closing our eyes and flying away to the land of make believe, the new year, esp the first month is a perfect time to de-classify files, achieve closure and then move forward. These things are essential in gaining closure, growth and ultimately writing history.

It was this narrow minded thinking that got me into the shit in 2009 and early in 2010 got old wounds reopening and feelings of bitterness, angst, hurt and all other synonyms bubbling to the surface. So I might as well deal with it now with truth and transparency the old wounds that somehow came running back in the early days of 2010.

If this blog were a real person I'd choke the shit out him. Seriously, it causes more pain than its worth, yet at the same time it is as one person put it "my bible" and its guar-damn-teed that the answer is found within these pages. I would agree with that. While I will take the occasional creative liberty, while I will sometimes hide folks name there is no hyperbole in this bitch here. How it plays out in the real world is how I write it here. My shit is concise and you don't have to guess. This space is rude, honest, painful, funny, sexy, and fucking well written. This is why every now and then I will write something that causes such a shit storm that I need to pause and address what was said. For example when I wrote the piece about my honor after being told I was fake, the dialog was hot and heavy. I deleted most of the comments cause they were just rude and only I can be rude in this space. Yes indeed, there are times when I drop a gem so good its gonna start a riot.

It seems the last entry in the "Reconstructing Memory" Series will be the next riot starter.

In the past 48 hrs I've been told my blog was "disrespectful", "judgmental" "harsh" "arrogant" "bitter", "part of a larger plot" , "games" and all sorts of other things.

My official response:
Are you serious? Fuck all yall. That's real talk there.

Disrespectful? My piece is disrespectful because I raised the point that I felt like a rebound? Really? Well I guess its disrespectful then because I do/did feel like a rebound, and judging from the information gathered, since party A went back to that space after we ended then that makes us *drum roll* a fucking rebound. How else can I feel when I was told shit like "not to show excitement cause it will get back to him" or introduced as "friend" and "frat brother", yet we planning a future and blending children. The entire world knew from hour one of day one who that person was, where they stood in my life, EVERYBODY knew who party A was. There was no question, no ambiguity. I was "all in" from the start. I didn't need to heal, soft peddle, hide, go around, and if then. She was (the) Queen. Everybody else was...well regular people. Now I dare any muthafucka to say that was matched.

*taps* I'll wait.

*stops taping*
Fucking exactly. It wasn't. Now, as I finish healing and begin to reflect I'm wrong for feeling like a glorified place holder? Really? I did shit right and by the book. That one can't complain. Nobody can complain. I got shit canned for defending my emotional space. I may have did it a bit rough, but all I was doing was fighting for something I thought wanted me. How is that wrong? What really fucks with me is this person also laid then entire LSC/Duel/break up in my lap. Really? Please tell me what great sin I committed that deserved me to be dumped then banished and treated like I didn't fucking exist. Oh wait I sent a rude email in that mentioned hate, and yes I showed up unannounced. Oh yeah I wouldn't take that bullshit laying down and took it to the mattress and fought. Oh wait. I was wrong for reaching out to "her", the enemy. So that got me banned? Wait. I'm sorry. Yeah we left out the part of the story bout me being so fucking out of it mentally, so hurt and despondent that my dear "friends" felt the way to help me was to bounce. So I reached out, for help clarity and answers. I went to the one person who fought and clawed for something they wanted and I believed understood. So fucking what. What did that have to do with me and Party A? Really? Even if I did reconnect....man let me stop. My reconnection had jack shit to do with nothing. Niggaz did what they wanted cause they wanted to and I gave them the excuse. Me and that friend are still struggling to define our friendship; party and her "ghost" are a family. You tell me how the shit looks. So I again raise the question what were these great sins to be banished and forgotten? Sins, yes. Cardinal sins. Hell naw. Maybe on some far away planet. Who knows. But on earth, I know niggraz have been forgiven for much worse.

Speaking of my friend I'm say this once and forever. Is the Ret Gen an ass? Yup. Did she try to whack me? Well yes. Does she play CIA games with people? Yes. Rowdy? Yes Dangerous? Yes. Was she one of the few people to respond when I needed a helping hand? Yes. Was she the one who helped me not kill my fool self in June? Hell fucking yes. These aren't contradictions. These are facts. I need for my friends who hate on my healing friendship with said General to ponder this real cute question: "If I had to go to somebody so wicked (their words, not mine) what does that say about my support network and loved ones?"

Yup. You sucked.

At one point in history this was my ace, the tip of my spear, my Tiger General. If we could ever get past the bullshit and sort through what went wrong and deal in accountability she will go back to being those things. Not a moment before we healed and made amends and not a moment after. I'll say it again: The General was/is/will always be a fucking asshole. Always. But at the end of the day she was something most of you were not: (insert word here).

Speaking of Generals, yo for real get over yourself. I've absolved what we did wrong and hold myself accountable for my mistakes. But real talk you ain't Cindy Lou. It's like the CIA telling the KGB they are victims. It's like Wei Yan acting like Zhuge Liang didn't like him in a vacuum. You fucked up too. As I stated above you're used as reason #1 why I couldn't go back and yet I defended my potential friendship/friendship with you. But I'm playing games. Oh you mean games like hacking, sleeping with best friends, using police tails, emotional warfare, fiscal warfare and shame? Those kinds of games? Pffft. I told you. This is my process and while I want us to reconstruct I wasn't going to deal with the mood swings and the breakdowns. Let's both get over it. Move on. Stop it. For real. If I was on some shit you would know. You've been my greatest student, best friend and worst enemy. We said we was moving beyond that. So I'm need to you make this shit easy ya dig.

You know Just Dre told me to post what I felt cause it was gonna come back. I should have. But now I've dealt with it and ready to finish the wonderful journey of my 35th year. Nothing is gonna break the heart of this champion. Nothing.

I always love and welcome readers. I even love the occasional riot. I'm just letting it be known though the days of soft peddling and compromise, esp when it comes to this space are done. If my words are to public, blunt, rude, or "tells the business" I suggest you....pray? I don't know.

I just know I will remain

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
1-8-2010
12:00pm

Reconstructing Memory: The Heart of a Champion

"Nobody can out perform him in big name matches"~Jim Ross

Memory Build 1.0
File Upload: Resiliency/Tenacity
Begin Memory Sync:

The other night I had the wonderful experience of watching classic WWE(F) matches with my heirs and bonding over the golden time in pro wrestling known as the Monday Wars. Without getting into the whole back story this was an exciting time for the business as three companies: WWE(F), WCW, and ECW battled for supremacy in/on their respective Monday night programs. During this throw back moment I got a chance to see my favorite wrestler in action: "The Heartbreak Kid" (HBK) Shawn Michaels. Now most people make the mistake and think my favorite wrestler is either Ric Flair, The Rock or even Kevin Nash. Those are all performers I enjoy (in that order), but none of them compares to HBK.

If you haven't discerned by now I am a HUGE fan of professional wrestling. The emotions and actual matches are a beautiful melody that only well a guy like me can enjoy. There something about the story lines and the performances by the wrestlers that I find enjoyable and at times (in a case of life and art imitating each other) I find some real life lessons.

With this said, there is nobody, in this author's humble opinion, better than good ole HBK. From the ladder match at Wrestlemania 10, to the Iron Man Match at Wrestlemania 12 to the most recent match at Wrestlemania 25, HBK has never failed to perform. I don't think he has ever had a bad match. In fact so strong is his dedication to not be out performed lead Jim Ross to remark that "Nobody can outperform him (HBK) in big name matches." Yeah, even thinking about HBK makes me smile.

My affinity for HBK goes deeper than his in ring performance however. Shawn Michaels is impressive to me because he has overcome some much in his personal life. He has been a lighting rod of controversy such to a point he once remarked "I knew there were a lot of stories out there about me but I didn't know that so many weren't true." HBK has been through it all and he has remained resilient through these challenges. From his battles with pain killer addiction, back stage politics, womanizing, as well as a near career ending back injury to his subsequent conversion to Christianity and character redemption has shaped him into a leader among his peers. Consider his performance at Wrestlemania 14 that illustrates his heart and soul. This event is widely acceptable as the one where he showed his true character, wrestling with a severe back injury yet, doing his part to ensure the company moved forward. I know for me it was the event were I truly began to appreciate his greatness. During the match you can literally see his face grimace in pain, yet he still performed at his best. Indeed, if there is any performer that shows he is a Soul Survivor it is Shawn Michaels.

Soul.Survivor.

Memory Sync in progress.

50% complete. Please wait.

Constructing Soul Survivor Matrix:

Soul Survivor. She called me that once. Ekklettia called me that. She said I had more lives than a cat. In fact just about everybody I know talks about my resilience. The very qualities I love in HBK are qualities I embody. There is no quit in me, there is no surrender. I will not stay down long. I will not lose, even if I lose.

Somehow, somewhere, during my "war' this year I forgot this basic truth. I have something called heart. Or guts. Or intestinal fortitude. While I will not absolve those who left me behind, I will say I can understand their confusion. They didn't know how to respond to the man with more heart than anybody they knew, who will not be out performed well being out perfomed. While their response is/was flawed, I do understand their confusion.

Hell I am confused by it myself.

But the fact of the matter is sitting here with my sons allowed me to remember, the first file in reconstructing and reconnecting with my historical memory. I am a fucking Survivor. I am a Soul Survivor and I don't lie down for anyone or anything.

The LSC and DOF was my Wrestlemania 14. It was the moment where I had to do what I had to do, even though I was hurt, tired, confused, and left behind. It was my moment to put on a big name match. It was my moment to become immortal.

History will ultimately decide if I meet these moments. As I upload this file, I am reminded about this quality as a Soul Survivor.

As 2009 draws to a close and I stagger to my feet, flexing and smiling I am remembering that TLT doesn't give up.

I am a Soul Survivor.

2010 will (re-)affirm this. It will be mine. I will shine once again.

And like my favorite wrestler I will be back, better than ever.

File Uploaded

Memory Sync Completed

Straight, No Chaser,

TLT

12-13-2009

11:00pm

The Duel of Fates: Egos and Super Egos

"A House Divided Against itself can not stand"~President Abraham Lincoln

I was eating alone in the bar the other night when I noticed two brothers sitting behind me one eating coffee and the other drinking vodka. They seemed to be engaged in a most heated conversation I had a chance to overhear...

"You don't look well. What's wrong"

"I'm just frustrated that's all. This shit got me sad, angry and annoyed all at once."

"I understand. But what's done is done. We cant chance the past"

"No but we can be granted a chance at redemption."

"Redemption isn't a right, as the old adage goes, it's a privilege."

"That's bullshit and you know it. Everybody has a right to redeem themselves!"

"Redemption comes from within. Outside acknowledgment isn't a prerequisite."

"So why then do we seek it from Jehovah?"

"I would hardly call the the creator of worlds an outside acknowledgment. I mean God is in you is he not?"

"You and that intellectual coyness. I hate that shit."

"But I am right."

The twin drinking vodka drinks it down in one gulp. He motions to the waitress. She comes over.

"Bring me another, and this time I'd like vodka with my cranberry juice please"

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Nope. There is never enough."

"Isn't that the attitude that got us here?"

"Nope it's that over analytical mind. Had you just spoke up in the beginning"

"It wasn't time."

"Man go on with that mess"

The waitress brings over the vodka...which has a pink hue and some more coffee. The mellow brother thanks her and continues on....

"For the record, it was your emotional outburst that got us here, and for the record it was the old outburst of old that was used as a character reference."

"And it was that insane moral code of yours that told you to reactivate that nut which killed the rest of the credibility."

"A moral code you SHARE by the way. But I'll eat that. Sometimes I do shit when that is morally praise worthy but not morally obligatory"

"Heh. You mean you do extra shit to feel good about yourself at night."

The vodka drinker takes a drink and then lowers his head......

"What is to be done brother?"

"Nothing."

"Don't tell me knowing. You're the smartest guy I know"

"Which is why I said nothing. I've crunched the numbers and ran the plots. We've got to accept this fate"

The the vodka drinker looks up with tears in his eyes and on his face....

"Rule 99"

The other brother shakes his head

"Stay on her mind. If it was only that simple now....I'm mean I'm sure..."

"Why cant it be that simple sir?"

"Let me finish. I'm sure we stay on her mind. She's lying if she says otherwise and you're delusional if we believe that lie. The issue is not on us per se, but on her to look from a different lens."

"Man you talk to much. Seriously. Does she think on it or not."

"I do believe I answered it."

The brother again takes his vodka to the head and suddenly jumps up....

"Fuck this. I'm going to go call her, go over there something..."

The other brother stands up to intercept him. He puts his hand on his chest

"I can not allow you to do this. It was ill advised action like this that put the whole series of events into motion. You do this..."

"Get your hands offa me...."

"You do this and it gets worse. Please. Listen."

The angry brother pushes the calmer one's hand away and sits down...

"You're full of shit"

"No you're drunk and emotional. I need for you to listen. Look we've been fighting each other for almost 6 months. Countries can't withstand a 6 month civil war. Do you think we can? A house divided can not stand. Seriously. It's not a matter of you being right or me being right. It's a matter of what's right. Brother, what's right is for us to accept this. Together we can do what we want. That is what got us to the dance. That perfect blend. But we started fighting over methodology, intellect vs emotion, smooth vs cool. All the shit that didn't matter. We both are the best and we both should have worked together. The minute we started fighting we got depressed and both of us made mistakes. Now it's not our time. I need your skills in other areas. I know it hurts. I'm lonely too. I'm sad too. I feel the injustice too. But I fight through that shit. Right now though, I want to stop fighting with my other half okay?"

The other brother nods in agreement. The rational words seem to have soothed his anger and sadness...

"You're right. It's not fair. There is no justice. I am angry. I am lonely. But I can't force my way it...that would make me like "her." So OK I'll chill...So what's next for us?"

The other brother smiles, beginnings to speak but his words are inaudible. I can't hear him. Wiping their tears away the brothers embrace, pay for the check and leave...

"Sir are you ready to order?"

I look up and the waitress is staring at me.

"I think so."

She chuckles kinda nervously. "I thought you were one of those drunk guys that come in here and fall asleep. I ready to call the police."

I look at my phone and I had been at the table almost 25 minutes with just the coffee and bread on my table. Embarrassed I immediately apologize.

"I am so sorry. I am ready to order. I just got lost in my thoughts".

The waitress smiles. "You looked like you were lost in your thoughts. Whatever it is, I hope you work it out."

"If only it were that simple."

"It is that simple. Do you pray?"

"Sometimes and other times I try"

"Then you need to try harder. Whatever it is that's eating you is killing you. And that pisses the lord off. I ain't gonna preach, but I'll pray for you. Now what you gone eat...."

I smile and order....and remember to pray when my food arrives.

This Duel of Fates has reached its climax....and soon the end.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

9-6-2009

11:30pm