Castles Made of Sand...

"So Castles Made of Sand, Fall into the Sea Eventually"
~Jimi Hendrix

If there was an apt description of what the past calendar year would look like, 2013 could best be described as a heavy wave washing away every single thing I built on my little beach called life. With the exception of my children (and even that was washed away as it related to Youngest Heir), and a few scattered allies, NOTHING remains. To give a more vivid picture if the sandcastle example isn't enough, my city (life) looks like Hiroshima after the bomb was dropped. However, I think the image of the sandcastle is most appropriate if for no other reason there is a certain theological context that I will explore. 

But more on that in a minute.

So what did this tidal wave of destruction take in 2013? What exactly was washed into the sea? A number of things which were integral to my existence and happiness: My church home, my best friend, the one person I truly loved and desired, my job, my emotions, my natural home, and in some cases my faith. I'm sure in time these things can be replaced. There will be other jobs and a career from it, my faith is already slowly being restored due to my time in Seminary. Another Church home can be found, new allies made, and even as painful as it is to type, the love I lost (or gave away) can be replaced. I even will have a better place to live. So that's good. Yet that still doesn't explain the why. Why all that transpired happened. There are two simple reasons for this: one spiritual and one not so spiritual. Let's explore them both.

The first and most obvious reason was that on some level God either caused the storm or allowed it to happened. I believe the reason for this is that God needed to see what my infrastructure was made up of in a barren season. In order to achieve this, like so many men of faith before me, God had to make me Anonymous. You see according to Alicia Britt Chole, author of Anonymous: Jesus' Hidden Years and Yours, every so often God needs to see what our roots and branches look like. God needs to see how sturdy we are and thus the excess in our lives (think tree leaves: are stripped away. Once my coverings and trappings were gone, would I survive this test or would I crumble. At the core lie two simple questions that would yield two simple answers: 1) On what ground did I build my faith and 2) Where did I store my treasures?  To the first, the honest answer are that I built my home/faith on sand. I did not obey God in a lot of areas in spite of being sent messengers, signs, and instructions. The response to the second question is even more direct: my treasures stored were no where near heaven. They were in that unstable beach house I put on the sand. In effect, I had become lazy. My infrastructure weak and bloated; like a corrupt city entity I had become self serving and began to take Christ for granted. Thus in essence while I was sprouting leaves I bore no fruit. As the scripture points out, I needed to be put in a whole lot of manure in order to grow. There was no better way to cover me in the mess I needed than to remove the sand castles I was hiding in. But I knew better. On these matters Jesus is clear where to build your home and where to store your treasures. So snarky one reading this, since there are NO social promotions in the Kingdom of God, since there are no sliding or curves I get to rebuild. This time one proper ground and storing my treasures where they belong. 

The second reason is more natural but no less true. Nothing was really taken from me. By not following the instructions in the manual I willingly gave it away. I was not supposed to return to my church. I was supposed to move on. I was supposed to do my best in Arkansas, I got lazy. I was supposed to be more mindful of the needs of my allies and our joint boundaries and I wasn't. I should have never let her go. But I did. I should have told EVERYBODY to fudge off and begged her forgiveness but I didn't. I chose people and a space that is now long gone. Mine was one of hubris. Mine was thinking I knew best. It was the never ending fatal flaw that has brought me to ruin before: arrogance. Nothing was really taken. I gave it all away by not following the rules. This is the truth I take to bed every night.


But what do I do with these realizations? While it is true, I survived, but as one who survived the fire (or in this case a typhoon). But survival isn't necessarily what all this is about. This is about a mature Christian using bad materials, on bad ground, which happened to store his treasures that got washed into the sea.  So the first realization that I need to rebuild, following the instructions laid out. I don't know what's best all the time, if ever really and by not following the plan I'm going to continually get my ish washed into the sea. Yet an underlying theme to in this is something I never really allowed myself to do: grieve. Part of the reason I came out of blog retirement is to write these pure lamentations so I can later write songs of jubilee. It is time that I deal with all the pain in my life; it's especially time I dealt with all the residual scars, the crushed dreams, the guilt and the utter sadness. That's what I am putting on my cross this Good Friday. This is what I am burying in that tomb so that on Sunday I can rise a different man. But I understand the process of the crucifixion. This hurts. It means part of me will have to die so the rest of me can rise. We all have to go through it in some form or another...

For me this process involved learning one simple truth:

"Castles made of sand...slip into the sea....eventually"

Giving Honor to My Creator, who is forever praised, Amen

In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4/18/2014
8:56pm

Revolutions and Rotations: Starting Back at One

So you been on fast train, and it's gone off the rails" 

~Fast Train by Solomon Burke

This month I celebrated my 38th birthday. Like countless birthdays before it, I am celebrating the revolution and rotation in the aftermath of a crisis, specifically losing my gig at Philander Smith College and having to reverse relocate back to Chicago. While my birthday itself was fabulous, the rest of this season has left me lacking words. I just know that  I am wounded, hurt, and embarrassed.

 Yet at the same time I don't understand these feelings. Surely I have overcome so much and beaten odds worse than this. In fact in my entire life I have only failed to "answer the bell" once, and that was the heartbreak courtesy of the Gypsy Soror (that lead me running to Christ). I survived two parents death,  I have been fired before, and I have been on the bench before. So why is this current situation thisclose to making me tap out? What the hell is wrong with me that I am in a funk and depression over a relatively light situation?

Is it because I fell like a total failure? I never expected to return to Chicago with everything reset to zero. I always expected to return at the top. I cried for years to get to the big dance and when I did, after two years I wash out? What is going through the mind of my natural and adopted children? My peers? My enemies? I am afraid to know. I won't discuss this with my heirs and I haven't reached out seriously to any of my PSC babies. I worry how I look in their eyes.

I am struggling with the notion of pride. My sons and I are in need yet I won't ask for help. Serious help. I can bs ask for stuff on Facebook all day, but real stuff I just can't. Men don't ask for help right? We solider through. We press. All we got is our word, our rep, and our pride. Yet the Bible teaches pride is a bad thing. God hates the proud. I am confused by this. Can I ask for others hand and it not be tossed back in my face? My manhood and competency questioned? What lesson is this for the boys? I don't know.

I am struggling with anger. Yeah I made some mistakes, naturally and spiritually, but did you have to reset it back to zero Lord? What did I do to have to return to a place I ran from, and return broken and defeated no less? I know I thought about moving back at one point but I could have sworn you said no. So why bring me back now? Like this? Clearly I missed a lesson so what is it?  I get my calling isn't on that front of struggle anymore. I know what you want me to do with my gift and talents. But how can I do it now? 

I swear this must be how Barksdale felt in season 3 of The Wire. Or more historically this gotta be how Liu Bei felt as he laid depressed and dying at Bai Castle after the battle of Yi Ling. How can one be so close yet so far from the title? Man this stuff can wreck faith and that's the one thing I can't afford to lose as it will undoubtedly lead to the sickness unto death. But I swear if this was The Wire...the montage from season 3 would totally fit my mood (Solomon Burke's "Fast Train").  

I get as long as I am alive I have another day to do it right. I get the story isn't finished. I get something greater later and all that, but right now I am so disconnected it aint funny. I have no clue where to start and can't get enough quiet time to think. I need to figure this thing out because my familia, my friends, and my heirs are watching. My testimony is on trial here. Yeah in the natural and in the spiritual streets are watching. I just gotta figure out where to start because as of this writing I am at zero on all levels and descending rapidly. 

I guess I can start here:

Thank you God for another year. Thank you for my heirs and heiress. Thank you for my PSC babies. Thank you for my network.  Thank you for people who love me. Thank you for an awesome first six months. Thank you for giving me a blessed and special birthday. Just thank you. I love you. I am yours. 

Giving honor to my creator, who is forever praised amen,

In truth and transparency 

Already

TLT

8-25-2013

8:15pm 

Before Lovers and a Mad Man: Michael Corleone and The Kolinahr.

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."
~ 1 Corinthians 10:13 (ESV)

It's funny how things are affirmed and revealed to you at the most interesting moment.....

A week or so again I was chilling with my buddy Flo-Jo, maxing some veggie tacos, shooting the breeze about high school, arguing over who won the Jay Z and Nas beef, and watching The Godfather. It was one of those afternoons where everything was peaceful and one doesn't really expect to have a "Damascus" moment.

So while we are watching the movie Flo-Jo's face suddenly lights up as if she had an epiphany, turns to me and says "TLT, that's you. You're Michael Coroleone!" Being the coy dude I am I respond "You mean a smooth gangsta mofo that runs a city or two?" She shakes her head and with the most somber face says "No, your emotionally distant."

I dismiss the comment and we finish hanging out. Yet I couldn't get her quip out of my head. That wasn't the first time I had been accused of being emotionally distant. The late Queen Mother often said she feared the LSC/DOF era had left me emotionally broken; she wondered if anything outside of my children/family or my council could ever get to my heart (again). I spent the afternoon reflecting on Flo-Jo's and Queen Mother's commentary.

Later that evening I asked Babymama if she thought I was emotionally distant or capable of loving anyone outside the family. She pondered for a minute then said "Babydaddy, you been through so much b.s., esp that last situation that I do think you've built a wall. So yeah I can see their point." Since Babymama has always been a rude critic of mine, I really took what she said to heart. She does know me.

A few days later I was sitting and talking with my oldest sister and I asked her the same question I asked Babymama. Before I could get the question out good, she responded with "hell yes." Shocked I asked her why she felt that way and she said:

Well, from I've seen every since you and that gal broke up you've been quite distant to any woman that tries to get into your emotional space. You're dismissive, irritated, short tempered, moody, and look for any reason to cancel the deal. Dude, your like a tyrant. I honestly don't think you can love anybody not in the family. You may have forgive and forgotten but it should be clear to anybody with any sense you got a lot of emotional scars and you ain't bit more ready for a woman, let alone marriage.

I almost spit my coffee out. I never noticed this. I just thought things fell apart because things fell apart. I never really thought I was throwing wrenches in my own dynamics. All I knew was these chicks irked me with these rules, trying to change me, the fifty thousand questions, talking about how spoiled they were, asking about my finances, complaining all the darn time, the fourteen calls a day, the wanting to touch me, the interrupting my Xbox/blogging time, and definitely interrupting Daddy-Son time. Any minor annoyance was enough for me to hit ignore when they called. But now with this Damascus moment I had to do what I do so well and self reflect. I've thought about all the women who has either been or tried to be in my emotional space since April of 2009. So with this I've taken the matter to prayer and I realize the following truth:

I have become what I despise the most. I have become an arsehole in love.

*pause*
Somewhere I hear both Ekkletia and the C.O.S. saying "told you so." Be quiet negroes.

*play*
I confess I am saddened by this. I always believed in (at least trying) to be emotionally responsible and having been on the receiving end of some gross emotional responsibility last year or so, that is the last thing I want to be. But the truth, no matter how painful, can't be denied. I am an emotional jerk at worst and at best I have somehow managed to disconnect my emotions from my brain in the area of non-family relationship type love and or emotions.

The crazy thing is I suspected this but wasn't sure. I know I've been accused in recent times of being "unavailable", "distant","difficult", "aloof" and "selfish". I think the last charge struck me the most because the one thing no woman who was associated with me could say was I emotionally selfish. Yet, this adjective has became associated with me. I believe what is being reveled to me is this truth: While I am no longer at a place of bitterness and anger about the heartbreaks, esp last year I am not quite ready to hand my heart over again. Conversely, all of the heartbreaks I have issues has drained me also, so rather than irresponsibly break someone's heart I'd rather not accept someone's heart.

Long story short: I may not be ready for a relationship and I darn sho' ain't ready for a wife, even if being married is something I truly yarn. I need to pray on this more. Being a victim of emotional irresponsibly please believe it is the last thing I want to do is do that to anyone (again).

In the Star Trek mythology there is something called "Kolinahr", a ritual designed to rid Vulcans of emotions. I don't remember which blog I wrote this, but a year or so ago I asked God to help me get in control of my emotions and if I were not obedient, to remove all unnecessary emotion. I am now wondering if God has answered my prayer in an effort to help me focus on the things of God. Considering my never ending skill of attracting emotionally complex, conflicted, compromised and confused women, (which an upcoming blog WILL explore in depth) maybe God has put me in a place to attain my own personal "Kolinahr" until I am ready and completely healed so I can hear his word and follow his direction in finding my wife. Perhaps by utterly removing the one thing I hadn't shown the best discipline am I being prepared for the blessings. As I said though I am still praying on the matter. Until it is revealed anything else is mere speculation.

Still, it is something to really consider.....

Giving honor to my Creator, who is forever praised amen.
In Truth and Transparency,
Straight, NO Chaser
TLT
10-9-2010
5:32pm

Towards a More Perfect Union: Still Rethinking Black Love

"You are a beautiful as Tirzah my darling,
as lovely as Jerusalem,
as majestic as troops with banners.
Turn your eyes from me;
they overwhelm me"~
Song of Solomon 6:4-5(Songs) TNIV

I have no clue as to what it is about the weather turning nice that is so toxic to Black relationships. Perhaps it is the alluring effect of the summer wind blowing freely that touches our primal side making us want to run wild and act like beasts in heat. Or maybe it's the plethora of half dressed chicks and men in body shirts that leave nothing to the imagination and get the blood flowing. What is it that makes us want to drop our "Winter Mami/Papi" and go play for the summer like a fall TV show on hiatus? Perhaps mofo's are tired of being cooped up; just like the old settlers they can finally leave their log cabin of after a long winter of relationships. When the snow melts and they get that desire to go out and explore the world (simple translation: they just tired of you).

I confess I don't have answers to these queries. I guess I am raising them in my never ending (self) dialog on Black love; I am also moved by a number of my friends who seem to be going through these motions at the moment. A few of my guys are ready to dump their girls, several of homie girls are ready to sign them papers, if they haven't out right signed them. It's maddening, especially when I've become the de facto relationship advice go to guy.

*pause*
I would be remiss and intellectually dishonest if I didn't point out that my last few runs crashed and burned and thus I am at a lost as to why they would come to me for help. I reckon I'm good at saving other folks stuff but not myself; or maybe even better I didn't (at the time) have the full set of necessary skills to save/fix/work through my dynamics.
*play*

I have explored Black love a few times in this space among various concepts: political, motivational, and the bluntly crude. However, I have never explored Black Love from a spiritual stand point. I will attempt to do that now.

As I grow in my spiritual walk, I am learning to put God and his righteous laws first; it does not matter what the area is, I need to make sure I use biblical application and spiritual discernment. The Apostle Paul writes in 2 Timothy 3:16-17: "All Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness, that the man of God may be fully competent, completely equipped for every good work (NWT). Thus, using the Scriptures, I decided to find a concise definition of love to frame my argument and naturally that lead me to the definition of love that is outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Here the Apostle Paul is very clear in what makes up the emotions and actions of love: patience, kindness, rejoices in the truth, always protecting, trusting, hoping, and persevering; at the same time he is very clear on what emotions and actions are NOT a part of love: pride, dishonor, self seeking, easily angered, envy, or keeping a record of the evil done. Further in verse eight of the same chapter he reminds us that "love never fails" and in verse thirteen we are told that "the greatest of these (faith, hope and love) is love.

Thus with a firm definition of love in place, the first logical question that Black Love (or those of you bless to be in a relationship based on Black Love) must ask is this: "Does the relationship we have and profess to have operate within the spiritual definition of love? As much as it depends on you (us) are we adhering to the Apostle's wise counsel? Is the dynamic full of trust, kindness, patience, hope, and truth (just to name a few) or is it full of the opposite: anger, selfishness, envy, pettiness, and dishonor? Black Love is like a flower seeking to bloom, and it will thrive off of the former, but will surely die off the latter. If your dynamic does not have the qualities of true love what can be done to infuse or inculcate them into your dynamic? Answering this essential question can be a major help in deciding if what you have is worth saving or fighting for.

Now that we have a spiritual definition of love to use, and we have spiritual examples of how love feels and acts, the next logical step in this formula is understand how our overall thinking effects how we operate with in Black Love. In doing this there are two things that immediately come to mind: what thoughts occupy our mental space and what words come out of our mouth.

In dealing with what occupy our thoughts the most important question to ask is "Are my thoughts where they need to be?" or "Am I thinking about another when I should be thinking about he or she?" It's damn near impossible to have productive Black love if your time is engaging in thoughts of another. I am reminded of the wise counsel our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, offers at Matthew 5:28. Jesus says here: "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart" While Jesus uses a married man's thought as an example his message here is clear: "You think it, you've done it." He didn't mince words or play around in hyperbole. Honestly, and I've been on both sides of this coin, how long do you think one can harbor all kinds of inappropriate thoughts before it effects their relationship. Jesus here wanted us to truly understand the wisdom found at Proverbs 23:7 "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. (KJV)" You can not continue to eat and drink the images, affections and thoughts of another and still keep your mind and spirit with the person you have offered a commitment too. It is only a matter of time before, as Jesus so wonderfully put it, that you are faced with the realization that "no man can serve two masters (Luke 16:13 TNIV)."

Please don't think I am acting holier than thou. That is not my intent. I will state it again for the record: I know this to be true not only because the Bible tells me it is true, but because I have been on both sides of this coin. Believe me when I tell you I know firsthand that as long as you harbor these thoughts, you will try to serve two masters; most importantly it will be only a matter of time before you are confronted in the reality about those naughty desires laid out in James 1:15 "after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." Like the above counsel on adultery, we can apply this to relationships: death in this context is the death our our relationship (and honestly our spiritual well being).

In speaking on the book James, he has offers sound advice for part two of our thought equation. Here James exhorts us to mind our tongue. James advises us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because our anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires" (James 1:19-20 TNIV). With this scripture in mind, is our (yours or mine) version of Black Love filled with all kinds of language and words that bring forth anger and wrath? Do the words we speak reflect love or are there nothing but hurt feelings, pain and suffering. Is the dynamic one of "you so and so" today then tomorrow "I love you? " Such behaviors can not feed love. Words hurt. Words remain. Words once spoken can never be taken back. I would argue most of the demise starts here: a painful word, leads to a wandering mind and then the definition and framework of love gets ignored or removed. Real talk we need to watch what we say; "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" is written in the bible for a reason. Honestly, if we can't watch what we say to our loved ones, which is really easy and simple, then we can't be expected to, and will not do, the really hard things.

The last thing that should be a staple of Black love, using the spiritual paradigm, is regardless if we actually "see" it or not it (Black Love) should be felt, it should be obvious from the things around us, in the same essence that the Creator's (who is forever praised Amen) love engulfs us. I am reminded of the words Paul writes in Romans 1:19-20 where he speaks about how although we have never "seen" God, his invisible qualities "have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made." In essence Paul is saying even though you can't touch it, you know its there from the things you see around you, from the presence it has on your life and how it makes you feel. Should not Black Love be the same thing? If you and your mate don't say a word all afternoon, shouldn't you be able to sit under that person and feel their warmth and love? If you and that person just wake up in the morning and share a glance, should the love not be evident? Even though you can't see a thing doesn't mean you can't see a thing ya know? Does the love you have subscribe to this scriptural message or do you have to struggle to find the energy, find the reason, find something to even apply the above principles, let alone live within the definition outlined in 1 Corinthians. If not then you really need to sit down, take this matter to God in prayer and see if your dynamic can be should saved.

I think I'm stop here. I don't want the blog to be overly preachy. I mean I could talk about the advise Solomon offers in Ecclesiastes or how couples should treat each other in Ephesians but I won't. I will offer and suggest you read those scriptures for yourself to get some understanding in how Black love can truly be saved and not be given just another quick fix transfusion. Like all other areas in our life, if we don't take Black Love to its spiritual and scriptural essence it will die.

I am sure some of you all who are reading this will probably dismiss it as another one of TLT rants or even hide behind the wonderfully flawed post modern notion of "you're single till you're married (I stole this from someone)" or as a frat brother of mine used to say "job applications don't ask if you have a girl. They asked are you married." I implore to rethink this foolishness. Such a position is dangerously post mod and logically unsound. Let me correct a fallacy right here and now: "practice doesn't make perfect." What makes perfect is "Perfect practice" The bad habits and erroneous thinking you have now you will take into your relationship and one day into your marriage and it WILL KILL IT. DEAD.

Before I end this, I want to encourage you all to read Solomon's "Song of Songs." While thinking about my aforementioned friends and their relationship woes, I feel asleep listening to the version recorded on "The Bible Experience" and I can tell you that was Black Love at its finest. I suggest finding "The Bible Experience" or reading the "Song of Songs (TNIV version is the best)" to really see what it means to have a spiritualyl productive love. It motivated me to write a blog.

What will in motivate you to do?

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5/12/2010
8:51PM

Consecration Camp

"Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."~Ephesians 6:11 (TNIV)

"This means everlasting life, their taking in knowledge of you, the only true God, and of the one whom you sent forth, Jesus Christ."
~ John 17:3 (NWT)

As I grow in my current spiritual walk (or MORE accurately the current trip around my mountain) there are two ideas that often occupy my space, one from the secular and the other from the spiritual, though both are interchangeable. First, in Philippians 3:14, the Apostle Paul exhorts us to "press towards the mark of the high calling." While Paul was speaking in a spiritual context, it can and should be applied to everyday living; in all we do we need to strive to the be the best. Just because nobody is perfect that is a horrible reason not to move towards perfection. The second is the often quoted (and abused) passage from The Art of War where the great general Sun Tzu advised us to "know ourselves and our enemies." Obviously, we can flip this to apply to our daily struggle with those things that seek to devour us on a spiritual level. I mean how can we resist and combat the devil if we don't know what he's capable or more importantly what WE are capable of doing. Sure, we can do all things through with faith and proper application, but still it's always good to know what your baseline skill set is.

*pause*
Please don't nobody tell me that as a Christian I ain't supposed to "study war no more." Our faith is adorned with the language of war i.e. "complete suit of armor (more on that later)", battling with principalities, and of course erry negro church in north America uses some variation of "onward Christan soldiers" or "Soldiers for Christ". Thanks!
*play*

With this as a backdrop, I recently participated in my new church home's "spring cleaning", a consecration and fast designed to clean out the mental, emotional, physical and most importantly spiritual garbage/junk that had accumulated in our space. As you can see I used both the terms garbage and junk because as we all know not everything we keep past the due date is inherently bad, yet keeping these things can cause just as much problems as actual garbage in terms of holding on to something for far too long. Like the proverbial spring cleaning everybody goes through we were tasked with getting rid of that stuff that has accumulated and stayed (good or bad) past its due date. We were challenged to adhere to a liquid diet the first three days, a meatless diet for two weeks, a fruits and vegetable diet for one week and finally a liquid diet for the final week. In addition we were supposed to clean up our physical space and our spiritual, mental, and emotional space via prayer and supplication. I confess I struggled with the actual physical cleaning aspects, so I won't go into that here, what I will discuss is what I learned on other levels during my time in Consecration Camp.

First, and I learned this about two weeks in is that fast and consecration is a private matter between you and God. In Matthew 6:16-18, Jesus tells us to not behave as the "hypocrites do" twisting our faces and in essence announcing it to the world. He tells us to put our best face forward, as our Heavenly Father will reward our humility and does not dig anybody's grandiosity.

Second, I learned that this really is a battle between the flesh and spirit. I've heard old religious folks say this for a coons age, but it wasn't until this recent exercise that I understood it. I didn't pick this up until the start of week three, but still it was an important lesson to gather. I mean the first two weeks were murder on me; I didn't even want to cook for my heirs. The smell and touch of meat drove me insane. I practically hid from, ran from, and was angry toward, any and all discussions about meat. I often just rolled into a ball moaning for the Lord to protect me. I realize now this is both impractical and unrealistic as it shows I didn't understand the power of prayer (or His word for that matter) and it shows I didn't have any faith. Contrary to what many Christians think, running scared from a problem isn't a demonstration of faith, it's cowardice and God, whether we want to hear it or not, hates a coward. During those moments where I was around flesh I should have prayed, meditated, asked for strength then went into my Word. This not only applies to cooking meat while fasting, but really any situation that runs counter to the will of the Creator (who is forever praised AMEN). This does not mean I should go out and find all sorts of situations to get myself into and then cry for him to help me; such a mentality is not biblical, but at the same time knowing he won't tempt me anymore than I can't bear (esp. since he doesn't temp us with evil at all), I can rest assured that when faced with these or any future crisis's that faith, prayer, and the Word will get me through or at the very least make his power perfect in my weakness.

The third lesson I learned was fellowship was extremely important. Surrounding yourself with people who share(d) your goals, spirituality, and faith (or at the very least didn't try to oppose you) makes consecration that much easier. With this cleanse I had the total support of not only my church, but it also my Baby Mama (who supported and participated with me). I didn't' surround myself with folks who were against my journey, made fun of my trying to get closer to God, or even actively oppose me. One of my favorite scriptures reads: "Do not be mislead. Bad association spoils useful habits." (1 Cor 15:33 NWT) I am thankful to God for the wonderful, new support (old support in Baby Mama) in my life now.

The fourth was a new, accurate, assessment of weakness. *smile* I won't get into that here, I mean I love yall, but sharing my weakness in this blog is a bit much. I will simply say if I don't get a handle on these thorns in my flesh then it will cost my spiritual life. Trust me when I say I am praying often (trying to make it daily) to help me get a handle on that which makes me weak. With the truth in knowing myself, I can win victories and press towards the mark of the high calling.

In the book of Ephesians (6:11-18) the Apostle Paul instructs us to "put on the full armor of God": the belt (loin gird) of truth, breastplate of righteousness, feet fitted with the gospel of peace, shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. With this armor I am ready (or at least should be) for/to combat the machinations of the devil, whether I bring it on myself due to lack of discernment or the daily testing he gives us. When I decided to go back to God,seriously and with zeal, I automatically gained two pieces of this armor: the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation. Granted they needed a bit of polish and strengthening but still I got these first. The rest of the suit, however, had to be gained through consecration, and will be strength-ed through prayer, supplication and being a disciple of Jesus.

I mentioned in my last blog, my feet can not walk the path of anger, they have to walk in peace. I can't shake my fist at what I perceive to be past injustices(or real injustices), hold on to the bitterness, and claim to walk in peace. By the same token, I have to even let go of those good times; as those memories only serve to hold space in my heart and prevent God from sending me that woman who will love me deeply, honestly, and properly. This also applies not just to things of my recent past, but things in my deep past. Those memories, good and bad serve to undermine my peace; either I am lament lost or daydreaming about good times long gone. I can't have that any further.

In gaining the belt, or loin gird of truth, I accept the truth about my weaknesses. It is important that I respond accordingly. Sun Tzu said it better than Paul on this subject "if you know yourself and your enemy you won't lose in a hundred battles." Now that I concisely know what my thorns are, I need to seek Holy Spirit in developing a plan of action and do, as much as it depends on me, my best to stay out of those situations. The truth will set us free, it will also protect our most vulnerable points if we allow it.

My path, my acquiring accurate knowledge, walking in faith and following Jesus are all within God's will and thus I gained the breastplate of righteousness. In essence my path is righteous, even if I am not always such. The breastplate will keep my heart pure and just and ensure I stay righteous. Like the helmet which guards my mind, the breast plate will cover the other aspects of my emotions, namely my heart.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly is I truly learned (or am learning) how to use the only offensive weapon in my arsenal: The Word of God. It is a real military truism that no matter how sound a defense is, it will falter under a constant barrage of an enemy attack. The best defense is a strong offense and real talk you don't get better than the Word of God. I learned during this past month that reading, studying and drawing on the Word is essential. On days I did well I was in the word, either reading it or listening to The Bible Experience. On days I struggled, I neither listened to, read, nor picked up my word. Without my sword, I am finished. It is essential I kept it close to me. All the other parts of the armor won't do me good with out my Sword in which to fight off my enemy.

The past thirty days have helped me draw closer to God, understand my potential and get answers and clarity, even more so than when I use my physical intellectual mind.

Now if I could only discern what my Father wants me to do with this nagging desire to go to Seminary.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-10-2010
11:04am

The Wildreness Trek and Entering My Joshua Moment

"You're not crazy, you're just dizzy from

going around that mountain so many times" ~CO

I would be lying if I said I didn't at times look back on the events of last year and not experience a sense of anger and bitterness that sometimes defy logic and is hard to put into words. Depending on the day, there are times where I feel/felt that I was screwed in a manner that would make Bret Hart feel totally sorry for me. There are moments where I would swear, if I asked, that I got the most half ass chance in history; professional wrestling would call me a "transitional champion" but in the dating world I think I would be called...

Never-mind. Such thoughts are unproductive and really aren't gonna resolve anything.

Yet, as real as those feelings can be (and at times are), I must admit they come about visiting spaces and places I have no discernible reason going or as my mama would say "ain't got no business being there." In a twisted sense of irony, I used to admonish folks for doing that, realizing the dangers in making judgments or drawing conclusions esp when you don't have all the information or knew the whole story. Still I guess that is a part of sin and imperfection to do that; I confess being in this role (at times) helps me understand the mind set of others who struggled to overcome whatever thorn in their flesh they (we) have to dealt with.

It was in a moment of brooding reflection that my mind allowed itself to wander and I got to see the world without time and realized that I was in the same position in the Spring/Summer of 2008 that I was in 2009; it was scary when I realized that almost to the letter the same players were involved in that drama. A love lock down, a sudden departure, being passed over for the wider path, and a couple of insane suitors. I mean it was letter for letter the same situation. Suddenly I realized that Soror Sage was right, as wonderfully intelligent as I am most days, I hadn't learned a damn thing in my travels and I really needed to figure out how I got from there to there and not moved one friggin iota on more than one occasion.

With this Chinese riddle on my mind I walked into worship this morning trying to figure out how I got trapped in ground hog day mode. As I sat in there, I listened to a wonderful woman of God ask us how long are we gonna walk in circles in the forest lost, trying to find our way home with bread crumbs. She asked when we going to stop using things that didn't work (i.e. the bread crumbs) and finally listen to the directions God is trying to give us. I stood there taking this in and for the first time in almost four months I begin to let go of my emotions and praised him with tears and a thankful heart. I'm not doing it her words proper justice; you had to have been there to hear her spiritual plea for us to return to God and let him lead.

As powerful as that was, nothing could have prepared me for the sermon I heard next.

This morning "CO" preached on reaching the Joshua moment of our lives, where we finally move into the "Promised Land." However, before this can happen we all must, almost without fail,wander in our own wilderness, and depending on what we needed to learn or get rid of that time may be brief or like the Israelites in the bible forty years.

For those of you who are biblically challenged here's the back story:

• Jehovah delivers the Israelites out of Egypt starting with the 10 plagues* and ending with the drowning of the Egyptian army at the Red Sea.
• It's supposed to be like an five-eleven day journey to the Promised Land of Canaan but....
• Israel shows no faith, no gratitude, no loyalty so as a punishment for their continued sins God lets them wander in the wilderness for forty years so the cowardly, unfaithful elders could die off, and new faithful ones who could be trained and ready to do God's will could be born. This lead to...
• the death of Moses and the ascension of his right hand man Joshua to head of Israel as they moved to claim the Promise Land. It should be noted that of all the Israelites who left Egypt only Joshua and Caleb were old enough to remember life in captivity. It should be also noted (thanks Ellektia) that Moses HAD to die off to prepare for a change in leadership

Got all of that? If not you can read the the account in Exodus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, and Joshua respectively.

CO explain that the time in the wilderness can be a punishment, but it can also be a moment to learn what to do when you reach the promise land; what habits of mind to take with you, how to discern what should matter and most importantly that in the promised land you will have to work and be strong in the faith; it is when we are comfortable do we get lazy and forget about God. In what probably was the best sermon I've heard this year (beating out the Valentine's Day Sermon) she described that we are not unlike the Israelites, namely Joshua, in that we will have to go through some things in order to be ready for the Promised Land. Joshua was on the front lines of that battle, Joshua snuck into Canaan to scout the land, Joshua had to be both loyal to God and Moses, the list goes on. I mean now that I think about it she's right, Moses, like most administrators, really did have it rough, but Joshua like a true solider had to bear the brunt of grunt work.

Guess what good people? Before we can get into our Promised Land, we will have to do some grunt work as well. We're gonna have to learn from, listen to and carry the water of the Moses' in our lives so we can know how to lead and when we ascend to leadership. We are going to have to have courage, keep God's word and be ready to clean our space of those who don't who don't share our faith and visions (like the nations surrounding Israel) I mean when we read the opening verses in the book of Joshua, we can get a clear blueprint of what has to be done before we get to the promised land. Check it out. Jehovah tells the Israelites in no uncertain terms that the old way, represented by Moses is dead. He let them know that while the covenant was still in place, the way the covenant was implemented was changed. He urged Joshua to be brave (no less than three times) to keep his laws and to fulfill all that they were promised and ordered to.

Again, this blog won't do the sermon proper justice and I won't exactly try to re-create it in this space, but again it got me to thinking about my riddle.

Outside of the revelation that history had repeated itself last year, I wondered for the first time if this was a apart of the divine plan. My Minister of the Interior (and co-MVP) often told me there was no way God was going to give me one of his daughters until I dealt with all I needed to deal with. She used to say, much to my irritation, that I was not ready for the "promised land". I used to scoff at that notion, often citing how long I've been in the wilderness and that my time was now.

I learned the hard way that my time and my concept of growth was not the same as the God's.

Like the Israelites of old, God stopped me at the border and sent me around the mountain one more time. No matter how many times I went skipping to the border joyfully proclaiming "I'm ready", or thinking it was my moment, my heavenly Father knew that I wasn't ready (or to be intellectually honest the situation wasn't ready), and one more trait had to die off in the wilderness. I had to kill off the traits of: insecurity, arrogance, jealousy; and in its place had to be born the traits of: Security, humbleness, and most importantly faith.

I've gone around the mountain so many times I'm actually friggin dizzy, so dizzy folks think I'm crazy. I now see that I'm not (that) crazy. I really am just dizzy from going around the mountains so many times.

Not trying to be presumptuous, I am sure my lingering feelings of occasional anger and bitterness is earning me another trip around the mountain. There is no way he is going to allow me to enter the promised land and have my Joshua moment cursing at another man's blessing. There is no way I can have that Joshua moment being resentful; it shows I am ungrateful for what I have now and zero faith in where he will take me. I know I need to pray for discernment, to lose these improper emotions and unGodly thoughts on current wilderness trek around the mountain because honestly I don't want to hear those very familiar words: "Gone around that mountain one more time." Moreover I need to do so not out of requirement, but out of love, as the Apostle Paul implores us to do.

This can only be done by following the instructions the Creator (who is forever praised Amen) gave to Joshua:

"Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

He didn't instruct him to mourn, be bitter and keep an account of the evil done. He didn't instruct him to be angry at another man's blessings, or be afraid to move on. This isn't even up for discussion.

I will learn this during this journey around the mountain.....I ain't trying to go back around. This mountain is huge.

In Truth and Transparency
Straight, No Chaser,
TLT
4/25/2010
7:15pm

The Legend of TLT....Reconsidered

"Better than the best"~ T.G.S.

A couple of years back I wrote a piece entitled "The Legend of TLT" in which I discussed who I was, and how I came to be with the intent on letting my budding Myspace blog fans get an insight into me and how this little brain of my works. I confess I don't actually remember writing that essay, at the time I believe I wrote it (2006-2007) I was struggling heavily with drinking and probably penned it in one of those more "relaxed" moments (if I was a betting man I'd say I DID write it while drunk off my behind).

Utter drunkenness aside, apparently this piece along with my "Declaration of Independence" (I know penned in a drunken rage), and my "Top Ten" ground rules really helped people see who I am and in some strange way increased my fan base and endeared people to lil ole me. Sadly in a moment of impulse behavior, I deleted the original site of this and my Myspace blogs without saving those items; the only remnant is the aforementioned "Top Ten" (this was only saved because I emailed it to a friend to review and found it when I was trying to move some emails to my Blackberry.) and a rough draft of the declaration I sent to Soror Sage back in 2005. (which I might just retro post). I confess I would love to see those fine essays again in completed form, if for no other reason than to see where my head was at this time in my life and reflect; I've even scoured the internet to see if somehow some where they were saved or moved around and sadly they weren't. I wanted to use them to write sorta of an update on my TLT thesis statement, and because I am a stickler for cannon and try to keep retcon's to a minimum, I wanted to use it as a guide of sorts to see how much I've grown (tons) and if, as Soror Sage once quipped, history has repeated itself (it has).

However, even the loss of some of my classic work comes a chance to do something good. Without that guide I am forced to rethink things on their own merits and get discernment through Holy Spirit as to who I am and how I came to be. It gives me a moment to pray for understanding about various things like love, because as much as I thought I knew about love and relationships, 2009 showed me I didn't know jack. If anything I learned in 2009 that sometimes the best man doesn't win, sometimes people willfully chose the wider, easier and familiar path and most importantly there is nothing you can do about it. Wait I refuse to believe that is the only lesson that can be discerned about who I am...is that I am a grateful loser? I scoff at that notion, of me being a loser especially a grateful one.

No..there is much more to me than the LSC and the DOF. There is no way in hell that those periods, as painful as they were, can or should be the defining moments in what made me a man. In fact I'm a pretty amazing man if I do say so myself. I am not trying to be haughty or puffed up with pride, but I am one helluva brother that has overcome so much in my loving career.

Yet I don't want to be defined by "comebacks." As used to this narrative as my people have become, it really isn't flattering when you are the one who always has to "fight back." Is my career really gonna be defined by kip-ups and saving grace (as opposed to SAVING GRACE)? I mean the first couple of times you mount a comeback is inspirational; anytime thereafter you are a half arsed planner who has to find loop holes to get out of a jam.

Surely I am not defined by the evil(s) I've done. As I said the other day I've taken all that to the Sovereign of the Universe and I really don't need to make that the focal point of who I am as a man.

Perhaps I am thinking too much and who I truly am lies in the description of my blogs. At the very introduction I write:

*pause*
Soror Sage is really is gonna clown me. She once told me only an arrogant sucker punk quotes or herself in a context like this.
*play*

...This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, who has been crucified and resurrected, who has a lot of stories and no stories.

All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser

Well that was kinda vague, even if it is well written. But this is closer to the truth than anything else I have written on this subject. I have been on one helluva journey. I have done a lot. Yet if I am truly honest about all of this my actuality has not met my potential for a myriad of reasons. I have a lot of stories folks wanna hear and judging from the response this blog has gotten at times there are stories that others don't want to hear or wish would go away. The most endearing truth is even though I have tried to invoke a spiritual motif by using the words crucified and resurrected, the truth is that I'm probably up there with your typical soap opera or comic book character than some biblical one with the amount of times I've been killed out of the story lines only to come back. It makes me kinda dizzy.

But while the above quip comes close it doesn't due me justice...total justice. I mean how can I NOT discuss my renewed faith and bliss that I'm feeling being in the loving embrace of God reading and absorbing everything I can. Perhaps I should add this line: " ...A man who struggled with, rejected, and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, who is forever praised Amen."

OK..we're getting closer. What else should I add. Let try this: "...the journey of a man who loves his children and his family; who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies."
That's a little closer.

Of course my brilliant intellect and my kind heart are my strongest assets, yet the are so often in conflict. I need a plank on that as well. Here's a good line: "a man who seeks to learn as much as he can, while realizing he knows nothing at all."

We're getting there.

Let's see how all of this looks with a slight rearrangement:

This is a journey of a man who has done so much, yet so little, a man who loves his children and his family, who is proud to be a Black Man and disciple of Black Studies, who seeks to learn as much as he can while realizing he may know nothing at all, who struggled with, rejected and ultimately found his faith in the worshiping and praising not of created things, but the Creator, (who is forever praised Amen), who has been crucified and resurrected, and lastly, who has a lot of stories and no stories, All while keeping it obviously, Straight, No Chaser.

Hmmm I like that. *Note to self: Make sure you post this in the about me section~TLT*

But even as I type that I realize that I don't want to be a legend anymore. I simply want, in this 35th year of living, is love my heirs, worship my God and finally live life to the fullest; I want my actuality to meet my potential and I want to make God proud. While writing my my Legend I realize the simple truth is I'm just a man...

Not as bad as some, but better than enough.
And most importantly showing myself approved in God's sight.

In truth and transparency,
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-11-2010
6:23pm

Scared, No Skills or Both: Exploring Communication in Relationships.

"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No';
anything beyond this comes from the evil one."~Matt 5:37 (NIV)

So this afternoon I became engaged in the conversation about "communication" in relationships with two of my beloved sisters on the Council of Ten. Each seemed to be annoyed with the man in their lives who, for whatever reason, seemed unable to effectively communicate; in some cases these men either flat out lied or avoid the conversation on some very serious issues. Since we support each other readily in ALL matters they sought out me for advise on "why do men behave this way."

I confess that as a man who is an excellent, straightforward communicator, that their questions left me dumbfounded. I'm old school and I was trained men should be upfront and say what's on their mind (with respect and tact). I was taught that men shouldn't be afraid to communicate; seriously what is the other party gonna do? Kick your butt? So to me (and I mean their guys no real disrespect) these dudes weren't men or rather weren't acting like men in those moments and I had no logical or illogical answer for them.

I don't want to, in my time spiritual rebirth, to imply all of my communication has been flawless. It has not. On this very blog I have sometimes conveyed the wrong message or allowed the wrong emotion to guide my thinking. I assure you that I've also dropped the ball in my personal life. Shit just last year in a moment of emotional immaturity and using the wrong communication technique I....

Well you know THAT story...

However my point isn't necessary about the flaws of communication. Those things happen. My commentary is on the men who don't communicate and don't try to communicate. Yeah sometimes, due to imperfection and ignance we get the communication wrong but still I think it's downright horrible not to try to communicate.

*pause*
But if I really want to be intellectually honest (I do), then I need to right now include the sisters in this lil rant because yall, can be equally horrible communicators.
*play*

So what is at the heart of this problem. What makes people double talk, hide, refuse to speak up and all other sorts of nonsense. What makes a person hide from or ignore conversations the other person in that shared space deem important.

I thought about this briefly, looking at my own life as a model; I compared my actions on both sides of the fence in an attempt to discern what really is at work during these times.

The answer in my view is quite simple: People who engage in this behavior are emotionally immature as well as emotional cowards. I concede I don't know which is worst: being emotionally immature or an emotional coward. I mean I've been emotionally immature, yet I have never been an emotional coward.

Yet, in this regard they do go hand and hand. 98% of the folks who are emotionally immature I would bet are also emotional cowards and generally this leads to emotional abuse. These people lack the maturity (and by extension the skills) to effectively outline their needs and wants. They don't know how to communicate and problem solve so they hide from any emotional entanglement outside of the basic primal emotions that come out during sex or when they are tearing down the other party emotionally.

*pause*
In another moment of intellectual honesty, I must confess there have been two women in my past, Soror Sage and The Nurse, who would on the surface have fit the notion of an emotional coward (on paper) but that really wasn't the deal. In both of these cases, the sisters dodged conversations with me because they felt my skills at persuasion where that damn good I would have gotten them to reverse their position and come back to something they felt wasn't healthy. Rather than do that, these wonder women simply avoided me. It was crude but effective. I reckon my persuasion skills ARE that good ;-).
*play*

Like physical cowards, they know they can't hang so they dodge, hide, avoid, play sick, speak Spanish and do all sorts of other nonsense to stay out of the emotional dialogue. Of course when hiding doesn't work, like in the physical they resort to violently outward antics in the emotional (and I reckon mental) realm. In a sense it makes them seem double-minded, on the one hand they often profess undying love, swear to God, promise to die for you, etc but on the other hand they avoid (again unless they trying to have sex or bully you into leaving the conversation) the most essential component to a relationship: effective, honest, communication. It is my sincere belief that until we/they/us tackle this notion of emotional immaturity and emotional cowardice then we won't be able to touch the notions of lack of emotion, unsatisfied emotions, or even emotional abuse. We will continue to be on that hamster wheel, trying to convince the other of the worthiness of our emotional needs and space.

Of course this begs the question of why we as humans keep investing in these junk bonds offered by people who take one of our most prized components and utterly crap on them. Do we feel we can't do better? Do we lack the skills to move on? Do we lack the courage? Are we that sexually whupped? I do not know and there isn't enough space here to even divulge into this here. I will simply submit that at some point we all have to look at this aspect and answer the very hard question on whether our returns are meeting our investments.

Like most things I argue that too is tied into fear, and that fear comes from an immature handling of a perceived lack of skills. More importantly when one lacks faith they fall into this habit of taking mess.

But again, I don't to explore that here. Maybe in another blog. For now I will simply tell my sisters to force the conversation, make these men be men and guard your hearts.

More importantly, I would tell them to act, as always, in truth and transparency about their needs.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-8-2010
8:00pm

Wrestlemania 19

"The tongue has the power of life and death, those who love it will eat its fruit"

~Proverbs 18:21(TNIV)

Recently, while working on my "Faith and paradigms" piece, I went and looked at some of my writings from April from last year. Now if you know me or have been following this blog for any length of time, then you know I am probably the most introspective cat you know. Thus, I was curious to see if I evolved at all; I wanted to walk through time and look at my mental during this trying period. I always said that was the major purpose for writing so much then, to document history and have a real time record of the challenges I was going through. I didn't go through the entire spectrum mind you, but rather I concentrated my retrospective on the first month, April, when all that began.

In what could be considered pure creative genius (or sheer desperation and lunacy) I clocked an amazing 29 blogs for that month. 29 blogs out of 30 days. Think about it: 29 straight blogs about a love lost, the struggles of healing, trying to find faith, seeking understanding, and all kinds of depressing stuff. Don't get me wrong, those works were brilliant, they were honest, at times snarky and funny as they were soul wrenching, but still they just showed a side of me in pain that I don't think anybody has ever seen before.

Last year, when I was discussing my heart and fortitude I compared myself to the great (and sadly now retired) HBK Shawn Michaels. I said that moment in time was my Wrestlemania 14. To quickly recap, Wrestlemania 14 was the last match HBK had before he left (at the time we thought for good) to have back surgery. He performed his behind off in that match and he did it hurt, he did it even though he was emotionally spent, and he did it because he was a true champion.

Likewise, as hard as I fell, as hurt as I was I endured and kept going. April was my very own Wrestlemania 14, the moment when I thought I was broken for good and headed towards retirement way ahead of schedule.

With this in mind imagine our surprise in the summer of 2002 when Shawn Michaels returned to the ring at Summerslam. It was like he didn't lose a step. He came back and performed at a level that rivaled and surpassed where he was when he left. More importantly, he came back with a sense of maturity and sense of peace that could only be described as inspirational.

Even more inspirational than his Summerslam match was his classic five-star match with Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania 19. This match erased any lingering doubts that HBK had not only returned, he returned better than before. If you haven't seen this match or don't know what the heck I'm rambling about I've left the link here.

Of course *sexy smile* this moment, this resurrection and return, is my Summerslam. It is my time to return to life better, stronger and wiser when I left. It is my time to come back to what I love, those I love, doing what I love and show my growth as a man, faith as Christian, and skills as a writer.

I know what you're thinking: "Big talk mofo. Sure you say you found your faith again, sure claim you got that swag back, sure you are declaring you back on you square but this is all talk. Do something to make us believe negro!"

You know snarky mofo's you gotta point. I do need to do something big. I gotta do something to prove to you guys that I am really serious.

What I am about to undertake will be my Wrestlemania 19. It will be show and prove that I am back, better than ever with my God giving me the strength to do this and all things. I am going to match my April output in writing with a twist: I am not going to write about anything somber, depressing, relating to heartbreak, meetings with the devil, or any other form of that I did during last year. I am going to show and prove once and forever that not only can I write when I am happy and feelin' fine, I am going to show and prove that I am connected to my Lord and Savior (who is for ever praised AMEN) and I am drawing on his energy for new creative inspiration.

Don't get it twisted I am not claiming to be a holy roller or Jesus freak or anything like that. This blog won't become blogspot's 700 club. I am just hella excited about re-connecting with my faith and being back on good terms with my God. I'm occasionally drop some sad/oh wow/make you wanna cry gem. OK, maybe a little more than occasionally. You can never really get rid of the classics.

Except this month. This month I am going to show that if I can function in the darkness I can function and want to function in the light. I understand now what Donald Lawrence (taken from Proverbs 18:21) was speaking when he sung: "One Word Away..the power of life and death is in what you say!" I didn't understand this in the midst of last year.

I understand that now. Last April I spent so much time with my head low in April shows. This year I am going to out stretch my arms and dance with faith feet in the rain.

I will have my Wrestlemania 19.

I hope you enjoy this ride.

In Truth and Transparency,

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-07-2010
3:11pm

The Sun of the Mourning Pt 4: The Debts of Winters Past

"Reverse the day and there you are"~Jay Z

"This man had yet to see his final evening /
but, through his folly, little time was left"~Dante's Aligheri

I do not like this time of the year. I've never been apart or understood the Christmas tradition and honestly it makes me kinda depressed.

It is in this spirit that the thoughts about the battles of the past year that occupy my mental; I walk around downtown, solemnly, trying to map out how I will finally/definitely bounce back from this terrible year of failure, heartbreak, abandonment and betrayal.

The cold chills me to the bone as I stand looking at the sights and sounds of Christmas on State street, each gust of the winter hawk is like a needle pricking my soul reminding me of the ultimate irony of this season. Then in my peripheral I see the most beautiful sight, a bright contrast to this cold day; I smile a little smile as I stand in the window and for a moment remember the good times.

Then without warning the winter winds are replaced by a warm breeze and a tingling feeling in my right hand. I don't bother to look up from the window as I already knew what was happening. I almost expected this moment. I am momentarily unnerved by my comfortable familiarity with this and him, but I quickly move past the movement and take the initiative to speak.

"Been a while. How you doing?"

"Ah well you know me." he replies, voice smoothing as it is raspy. " Lots of stuff to do these days. I know that ego of yours can't believe otherwise but there are others in the world that has my attention.."

I admit I smile. If for no other reason he is a quirky bastard.

"I didn't expect to find you out on today." I state quizzically.

"Why?" he asks even more bewildered.

"The time of the year. I mean all the singing and celebration about the birth of Je...."

He raises his hand. "Ah we don't drop the J-word around me. Besides, look around. This holiday has loooong ceased being about 'him' and more about greed and rampant commercialism. Shit, this is the one time of the year I do my best work. You know better than most that suicides and depression are prevalent during the holiday seasons."

"Touche." I remark looking up our eyes finally meeting. I notice, again with a sense of discomfort that there is no stark contrast in our physical appearance this time. We are both dressed sharply, the only difference is he wearing a lovely royal blue shirt and sweater, a black trench coat and dress hat; I am in rocawear from head to toe but equally clean. This time we both are faded up and adored with a glow.

"Damn" he says with a smirk, "you look fucking great!" extending his right hand.

I take it and although it burns, I shake it firmly.

"Appreciate that. I try."

"Of course." He turns back towards that beautiful sigh, the flowers motioning. "Still fighting your war? I can almost respect that. I mean if I had a woman with an ass like that I'd fight too. Wait I have had women with asses like that...."

"I am fighting no war."

"You fight it in your heart. No matter what you construct or de construct you fight this battle in your heart. I told you before you can change the top layer but you are who you are player." He leers forward grinning "I also would like to point out had you taken my help you'd be cuddled up sexy lil thing and not some other man." Letting his voice trail off he finishes "cuddled up with him."

"If she is cuddled up with him it isn't my concern"

"Bullshit and you know it. It haunts the lil sleep you get"

"It's not my concern any longer. I know were I stood during that time. I know my rank. Anything there after is bullshit"

"Ah there it is. TLT insecurity disguised as arrogance. Run that shit elsewhere. I can read hearts remember?"

I look at him nodding slightly, conceding the point without conceding the point.

"Right" he quips rather bluntly.

We stand there for seconds that seem like an eternity and finally he speaks again.

"You're afraid to send them?"

"Yes."

"Why? Doesn't she like lilies?"

"She loves em."

"When was the last time you saw or talked to her?"

"Been a minute."

"Wanna see?"

I turn and look at him but I don't utter a word. I simply make the 'be real' face.

"Seriously, you should see. Man she looks fucking great. You know he's pounding that raw dog. That gotta fuck with you right here" He moves to touch my temple to empathize his point but I knock his hand down while moving back and feel like I just slapped my hand on solid steel.

"Don't start. I said no." I reply, trying to keep my courage up.

Laughing he points out "I would like to remind you that people don't take kindly to folks air boxing in downtown Chicago. I would strongly urge you to chill out..." his words trailing off as a foot patrolman turns the corner eye balling me. I pay it no mind and continue to look down.

He urges again. "Send the flowers. I mean how can he get mad. He got the woman, the pussy, the kingdom. Surely a few dozen lilies from a 'rebuilding' ex won't start a war will it?" he asks with a smirk.

Nodding in agreement and overcome with a sense of 'fuck it' I walk into the store; I notice he tries to stop me; his is speaking in a voice almost that almost is hissing and sounding like crushed glass.

"NO. WAIT! Not that one." He reaches for me but I am just outside his grasp as I walk inside.

I walk into the flower shop but he doesn't follow; His eyes are showing signs of anger and pain; it pains him to look in here. That's when I notice the store is adored with quotes and passages from the bible on the flowers about spiritual warfare.

A middle aged sister comes to the register as I pick up three dozen lilies and bring to the counter.

I smile at her, but she doesn't smile back. She looks at me with the saddest eyes.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Excuse me"

"This." Pointing at the flowers "Why are you sending these? Is this an act of love or are you trying to satisfy your own ego"

"Huh?"

"Don't play dumb Mr. Thomas. It doesn't suit you. I ask again. Why are you sending these?"

I stand there and realize this is similar to the night in the park. Somebody is stepping in on my behalf. Unlike the night in the park I listen but am also shamed. Lowering my head I reply "because I miss her and want her to know she isn't forgotten, even if I am."

"Raise your head my child"

I look up fighting back tears and speak.

"None of what happened was fair. I got screwed."

"Everything that has happened was by his will and your actions. It is as it was meant to be."

"So it was his will I die emotionally?" I ask now in full rage

"Such hyperbole. I think you're stronger now. Maybe then wasn't your time. I merely want you to have faith and discernment. Don't allow that fool outside my window making faces to pervert your love and manipulate your pride. Its time to stop entertaining him. Now I ask again: Why? Ponder for a moment before you answer. Let me be blunt though, I will not allow you to compound this tragedy by letting your ego guide your decisions. Now again I ask why?"

Closing my eyes and removing my ego I think for a moment, a moment in which there is peace. Finally I answer her question.

" I want her to know she's missed and loved. Nothing more or less."

She stares before she answers. "I believe you. I'll send them. May Jah bless this effort."

"Thank you." I turn to walk away.

"Mr. Thomas, remember that night in the park. Remember the warning. He will hurt you. By fighting at all you lost, and will lose more."

I walk out.

As I exit he is looking at me full of disgust and asks "Was the productive?"

"Yes it was in fact."

He stands there for another moment that seems like an eternity, then he finally speaks.

"Walk with me"

"I'd rather not"

"I don't give a fuck. I'm not asking."

It hits me that for the first time since he appeared to me almost a year ago, his smugness is gone. He seems..desperate. But for what I am unable to discern. I just know I'm the confident one and he's the nervous one. I try to block my thoughts before he can read them but to no avail.

"Don't get cocky boy. I remember when this summer you were a whining bitch crying for her while she was off fucking someone else. Don't you dare get arrogant with me". He raises his hand and motions for a cab. As one pulls up to the curb, I notice the tint on the windows but cant make out who's driving. It's as if the world has gone blurry, even him, the one thing I used to see clearly. As I scan the block the only thing clean now is the flower shop.

"Get in" he says as he motions to the car.

I step into the cab, unsure of what will come next, but cautious because I keep hearing that voice in my head that will tell me "he will hurt you." I drown it own though, because I am curious. He intrigues me. He always does.

He gets into the car and slams the door. That's when I notice his smooth, swagger filled look is gone and now he looks like I did when we first met. Or was it that night in the back yard. I can't remember. I just know something has changed. He looks raggedy and tired as hell.

Speaking forcefully he asks "Look, I can't believe you're going to sit here and take this shit, like some chump. You were robbed, you were cheated, the lesser man is fucking your wife and you're going to take it?"

Leaning, back with all the confidence in the world I answer: "I would love to fight back but what will be will be. I can't go back to that. I'm reconstru..."

"Bullshit!" he yells his words cutting me off. "All I need is an act of worship, one little act, and you'll be there, April 2nd and you can prevent this. " Extending his hand to me he says "don't regret this moment. For once be a man."

My right hand burns, and I am reminded of how close I came. Shaking my head no, I look at him and smile. I remember a line she once told me, something that has gave me a sense of peace in the flower shop and has helped me reconstruct and move forward. I speak these words to him "when things where good you made me feel better than the best feeling."

He rolls his eyes in frustration and sighs.

"Fair enough."

"Can I go now?"

"Sure. At least be a man and shake my hand"

In my heart I know this a bad idea, but I cant help myself. My honor demands I shake his hand and I do. Like that night in the park it burns. He smiles, his eyes dancing with fire, and as his swagger returns he leans close to me, not releasing my hand and he speaks in her voice.

"Mr. Thomas?"

Unnerved and trying not to show it I answer "Yes?"

"You OWE me a test...."

As I try to pull away I fall unconscious, his laughter and the words "sleep" the last thing I hear.

I awaken pulled over on the side of the road. I can't see outside the windows, and my phone is flashing with a message. I open and begin reading with his voice in my head.

TLT,
I offered you a chance to reclaim that which you couldn't keep and all you had to do was bow down and give me an act of worship. I offered you something you can never have on your own and you rejected it and for what? Him? His promises? Where was he when you were on your knees. Did he try to help?

It doesn't matter now. You may not have agreed to my offer but you did agree that night to the test. I think now I shall collect. Survive the night and you are free to go. Fail, and you'll learn Inferno isn't just a book you like.

See ya soon
~Star

To my horror I realize he was right. I had agreed to his test during our first encounter, and now he had me.

My test had begun.

To Be Continued.......

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-24-2009
9:30pm