The 2008 Awards

"The Jokes write themselves" ~Soror Sage

Before I announce the 2008 MVP, the one friend who stood above all the rest and helped me in ways no other could, I would like to send a few shout outs to the people and moment who made this year laughable, fucked up, interesting, etc. These are the highlights and low lights of 2008. Enjoy

Gayest Myspace Moment: (TIE) Terrance and Devin.

My brother Devin getting a message from some dude calling himself "Sexyboo". It worst than delicious, it worst than some random instant message, its just gay.

The other one goes to me, for adding random people for my game applications without checking profiles and discovering some of these doods were apart of National Homo Associations, advocating gay park sex and a bunch of other stuff. Indeed, I was totally shocked.

Kindest Act: Shannon Burns

After discovering my boy was giving my then Executive Assistant the Jim Dean, I was floored. His not giving a fuck and her betrayal really put me in a fucked up mood. Of course all of this went down 48hrs before my birthday. Without any plans and seemingly no one to talk to, a friend took me to dinner at 10:30pm just so I can have a birthday event.

Best Gift: The XBOX 360

As I said in an earlier blog, I was a broke ass in the early part of this year. Being Mr. Mom and having for a time no social life made me revert back to the primal stage. So I get the brilliant idea to buy me a next gen console for my birthday. But there was one small problem; I had a very limited income. So I went to several members of my online family and requested instead of the usual bottles of vodka they would usually send each person donate 50 dollars to my pay pal account. While most of my online fam scoffed at the notion, enough did put on so I could get my my Xbox360. I truly appreciated this.

Best Evening: (TIE: My Birthday, the Friday Night Ride and the Four Hour drinking session)

As I stated earlier my birthday was totally wrecked and I had planned on sitting in the house drinking and crying. However Baby Mama, lil Sister Janae, Brina D, and my boy Jarmelle all decided that was wack and put in to take me to Dave and Busters. The ensuing comedy, my Avon Barksdale impersonations and winning the shake maker made this a night to remember.

The Friday Night Ride and the Four Hour Drinking sessions are [CLASSIFIED: S3 or Emperor's Eyes Only]. Sorry bout that. Just know it won.

Biggest Flop: Baby Mama's sister.

She was supposed to come up here when baby mama's mother got sick and help out. When grandma (as the kids called her) died she was supposed to provide a stable backup and relief system for babymama. She was supposed to be a big sister. Instead she turned out to be the most negative, simple minded slack jawed yokel on the planet. From running the air 24-7, to sitting in the dark 24-7 and watching CSI, to sitting on my space 24-7 to eating 6 months of groceries in 4 hrs to running up the phone bills to one hundred thousand trillion she was just ugh. A kinder me would call her uncivilized and depressed. A less kind me would call her a sponge and a hobo. Guess which Terrance is typing this? Right. Fucking sponge

Most Perseverance: Baby Mama.

Anybody who loses both their Father and Mother in a span of six months, deal with the planning of memorial services, deal with a hardheaded baby daddy, and deal with a fucking sponge of a sister and endures a whole host of comedic characters wins this one hands down. She truly has not even had time to mourn her loses. She met each challenge well and I'm proud she is the mother of my children and a friend. Good shit Rhonda, good shit.

Best Vacation: (TIE: State of the Black World and The BMW Meet and Greet)

It was a wonderful experience visiting New Orleans, seeing the Aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, looking at the rebuilding and hanging out with Maisha and Dan. It was also a classic moment when we went to the National Obama Hater Convention that was the Tavis Smiley State of the Black Union Convention. I guess my time at OH and its intellectual strength spoiled me, because there was nothing of substance of value to be found there. I'm glad Dick Gregory checked them ape coons. For real. I'm even happier Obama won. Made all them haters look stupid. We see you. Hi Haters.

The Meet and Greet was a gift from a friend and I can tell you it was one for the record books. I swear to Black Jesus its one thing to get to know someone on the net, but to party with them in person, LAWD. I'm still dying to get back to that B Smith Sunday Brunch. What a day.

Best Professional Moment: Presenting at the National Council on Black Studies Conference.

That was a weekend to remember. My Emperor was honored, I went big time and we both got mad love. Its moments like that make me appreciate him and Black Studies

Biggest Regret: The Text Message.

A trial in both patience and arrogance. I am wondering if I will ever recover from that.

The Nigga I learned to Listen to: Andre C Russell.

He warned me. He told me. I didn't listen and got burned. You'd think with all the history we have, with him being my boy I'd listened Dre. But nooo. I'm the "Prime Minister" I'm "smarter" than everybody. No I was an ass. From the facebook and myspace status messages to leaving her alone he was right, and each time I didn't listen I shot myself in the foot. I'm a hard headed fucker. Now I need his help one mo' gin.

Fucking Nerd. I love him though.

I hope you've enjoyed a quick glance into my life. These were the times that make me, well me. By no means are they all of them, just a simple glance into what made this year special.

Year 33. An interesting time indeed.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-28-2008

5:25pm

The 2008 Retrospective: Lessons in Life or Justifying my Thug

“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”
~Friedrich Nietzsche

It’s been no secret that the past four years have helped me develop and grow in ways that I could never have imagined; each year representing a challenge to a segment of my manhood and character. In 2005 I had my whole world shattered and had to rebuild (trial of the spirit), in 2006 I had to deal with the loss of a parent and inherent his throne (trial of leadership), 2007 ushered in a fiscal crisis from which I am just recovering (trial of perseverance) and in 2008 I was forced to serve and give myself in totally to my sons and their well being during a time of death and loss (trial of character) and well as get my physical and mental health in order (trial of the flesh)

My Minister of the Interior told me earlier this year that I should endure as this year would be extra special because this was my 33rd year, and 33 is a number of importance. From the Masonic Order to Christian doctrine 33 is symbol of perfection. Indeed our lord and savior began his work in his 33rd year and it changed the world. I am often told that my time is coming and my mark will be made. I admit I'm a tad bit impatient for this, but I still await that moment and accept its challenge willing. I saw this constantly throughout the year as the previous tests resurfaced in a number of different ways. I had to make decisions which broke hearts, I had to watch the death of the Olive Harvey Black Studies Department, and I had to go to war with someone I should not have had gone to war with. Indeed when the various challenges arose I meet each one head on, successful in some, not so successful in others. Even in the final hours of 2008 I was had two trials before me: one of love and one of arrogance. Regrettably I only passed one. I need to work on that arrogance thing.

Lessons learned. Meanings made. Personality Profile updated and adapted.

2008 wasn't a total loss, and it is not my intent to make it seem like such. There were some victories. I FINALLY got the fatherhood thing down pat, I made peace with my sons mother and we became a great friends, I endured a betrayal by my then S5 (aka Executive Assistant see relationship hierarchy blog for definition) which pushed me as close to the darkness as I had come since Nicole, I got my health and depression under control, lower my blood pressure, lost weight, found a gig and discovered love again. Indeed 2008 was the best of times and the worst of times.

I learned in 2008 that I still hadn't conquered my inability to handle confusion, fear, and losing. I learned I am still impatient and despite my best public persona I am not the Prime Minister Zhuge Liang, I am not James Bond, I am not Malcolm X or anybody else. While those are the ingredients of the “Perfect Terrance Martini” they are not who I am, nor do they truly tell how I came to be. Perhaps in 2009 I will listen to my friend and brother Dre who once told me “Perhaps its time I just became Terrance” It’s something to consider and truly ponder these last few days of 2008.

The most important lesson I learned that however is that I am a great man, an intellectual, a wonderful father, king and worthy of love. I learned I had limitations, I hurt, I cry, mourn. In short, I learned I am human.

Human. Hmmm an interesting concept.

Its one I've learned and earned.

I am simply Terrance.

And this year I grew stronger simply with that revelation..

That is straight, no chaser

TLT
12-27-2008
4:15pm
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

(P.S. As you can see this is the first blog written and posted via the Blackberry. God I love this phone)

A Christmas Carol

“You will be visited by three ghosts” ~ A Christmas Carol.

The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and happiness; where one reflects on the family friends the meaning of life, joy, good will towards me and all that stuff.

For me however the holidays have always been a sober time, one of ambivalence on one hand and sadness on the other. I have always been distant towards the holidays because of my religious rearing. It’s not secret I was born and raised a Jehovah’s Witness, so needless to say not only are the holidays a foreign experience it is one of stiffness. When you compound this with the fact that my father passed around this time two years ago then its safe to say the time frame from thanksgiving to New Year’s generally sucks to high hell to me.

The 2008 holiday season is no different. In fact the 2008 holiday season is even worse because it was suppose to usher in a new era of change but instead it has forced me to do something I loathe and hate. I am forced to deal with ghosts, and as I said in an earlier piece I.HATE.GHOSTS.

And this year I get the honor, like a Black Scourge to go up against three ghosts, and I need to either confront or at least survive these ghosts in order to find peace and happiness within a new dynamic.

I’ll admit if I had to go and deal with the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future I’d be relived. Those are tired ghosts who really don’t pose much of a threat as they are simply the occasion annoyance. Nah these ghosts are a bit more complex and as I said before how I handle them will have ramifications I may or may not see for quite some time.

So who or what are these ghosts? Well simply they are the Ghost of Legacy, the Ghost of Institutions, and the ironically the Ghost of Future Imperfect. While all different these ghosts are part of a whole and each one is connected to the other as I will show later.

The first Ghost, Legacy is complex as it is simple. This ghost merely represents standards and legacies; a grading scale by which all others will be judged. A first glance it doesn’t sound bad when you look at it. However under deeper examination one can discern that a legacy can work both ways. It can strengthen and it can cripple. When used as a model, not a copy, legacies can help motivate, liberate and even be used as a rallying point. However when one attempts to copy or recreate a legacy, it becomes problematic in that one begins to use it as a crutch. It becomes a reason for inaction; it becomes an unrealistic standard and an excuse not to move forward. My relationship to the Legacy of Black Studies is an example. For years I refused to move out of my comfort zone or challenge myself in the name of “legacy”. Yet at the same time, that same legacy kept me honest.

The second Ghost I have to face is one of Institution. This ghost can be reflective of anything that we have built relationships, careers, friendships etc. What’s more important is that how well these institutions do will judge how we interact with future institutions. Take for example relationships. If we come from an institution that failed or hurt us, we often make the next architects pay their tab and work harder than they should. Of course if those institutions are successful, we tend to try to re-create the wheel without any foresight or adjustment of situations. Again using to offer an example, how many times do we, using the “legacy” of a failed institution to help navigate a new institution. How many times have we mourned the downfall of a failed institution and its legacy at the expense of something new and more solid? All of us have done it, and all of us have been stupid for it.

The last ghost is one of Future Imperfect. This merely means that we are afraid of imperfection. We seek that perfect love, job, friendship, organization etc. We seek this perfection when we have fallen victim to the ghosts of legacy and institution. We seek this when we are afraid of reality, but rather would like to try to build fairy tales and perfect futures.

*sigh* Now if I could only get [CLASSIFIED: S1 OR EMPEROR’S EYES ONLY] to see this, to understand that I’m not insecure or being difficult but rather trying to show that standing at the gravesite of failed institutions, or seeking to fill a legacy that can never be matched is only a recipe for disaster pain and suffering. It will leave a legacy of heartbreak and build institutions of failure. True men wont seek tolerate the mourning of failure; nor will they try to follow in another’s legacy. True men will accept the future for what is, imperfect and build their own legacy and institution.

So on this Christmas, when the kids go to sleep and the music stops and the vodka chills, I will sit down and continue my work in beating these three ghosts.

Anything less is detrimental to me.

Merry Christmas people

Straight, No Chaser
12-25-2008
9:02pm

Classified

“Love me or leave me alone” ~ Brand Nubian

From the Office of the Prime Minister

To: [CLASSIFIED: S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY]

Dear [CLASSIFIED: S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY]

I’ve wanted to say this for some time, however the politics and timing wasn’t right. I’ve sat on this for fear of running you off or making you angry but yet every day I sit on it I only make myself sadder and tired. I normally would eat these emotions but they require so much to maintain I feel I am losing myself by holding them in. Thus I simply must write this letter and speak truth to power. I don’t know any other way of functions. Time will reveal if I was ultimately right or wrong in doing so.

Let me preference by saying that I love you dearly. Its been a while since I’ve had the excitement and hope brought on by this dynamic we have entered. I truly feel that this has legs to go somewhere. Yet I am disheartened at the process; I am annoyed that we seem to be going no where; like a car stuck in the mud as opposed to throwing that bitch in 4wd and moving on. So this is my official record of how I feel. I’ve edited it for security and content.

[CLASSIFIED: S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY]. I’ve tried to be patience as you go through this process of [CLASSIFIED: S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY]. Yet at the same time I feel you would rather wallow in that than build with me. I understand this is a transition, but at the same time I’m kinda tired of feeling like I don’t have a place or feeling like I gotta go thru the extended process because weaker lesser men failed their process. I don’t think that shit is fair, it’s fucked up and as of tonight its tiresome. I don’t like feeling like I’m intruding or I am an outsider begging for scraps. I remember asking you not to make me feel that way; I remember asking to help be made a part of something and you promised.

Today I don’t feel that promise. Today I am fresh out of tact, understanding, mercy, compassion and all those other words.

Today I feel you have [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY] enough over [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY] and seriously its time to get a grip and move forward.

Its time to put a man on the throne that’s showing you what he can do; its time for you to submit a little and do what you claim you want to do. Seriously nobody [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY] about [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY] when you got something right before you.

I don’t know if you’re aware but the clock is ticking against us. I once gave you a song that said [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY], and then asked you not to [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY]. Yet that seems to be the case. I’m not asking you to be [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY] tomorrow, but I am asking you to make it official, provide this situation with some definition and let’s do the damn thing. I still have faith you are [CLASSIFIED:S1 STATUS OR EMPEROR'S EYES ONLY], but at the same time the question is being raised of what kind of dynamic even has to ask certain things.

So I’m serving notice. I am tired of being the Prime Minister and I want the throne.

I don’t know any other way of putting it.

No matter your choice Beautiful One, I truly love and adore you.

Take good care

TLT

Straight No Chaser
12-23-2008
1:45am

I wonder

“The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry”~ Robert Burns


I wonder if the Prime Minister felt a rush of jubilation and victory as he watched the Wei army burn at Bo Wang Po. I wonder if his mind thought of the end game and how he could make a brand new world.

I wonder if the Prime Minister felt a tingle of invincibility as he called forth the wind and watched the Wei ships burn at Chi Bi. To know you can do a thing and then do it is an amazing feat and I often wonder if he felt that the world was his.

I wonder how he felt watching all he worked for be set back by others mistakes and arrogance: watching Guan Yu lose the Jiang Province, watching his lord and emperor destroy everything including himself on a foolish assault and then being tasked with fixing it all.

I wonder what went thought the Prime Minister’s mind when Ma Su disobeyed at Jieting. I wonder if he at that moment realized that he was surrounded by lesser men and had to do it all by himself.

I wonder what went through his mind as he played his zither while facing Sima Yi’s army down. Did he feel a moment of possibilities? Did he feel overwhelmed or was he simply trying to re-assess the situation?

I wonder if this is how the Prime Minster felt at the Shang Fang valley as the rain began. I wonder what went through his mind as the heavens opened up and dashed his best laid plans

Did he feel rejected? Did he accept his fate? Or did he resolve to try harder.

I wonder what went through the Prime Minster’s mind when Wei Yan rushed through the tent and put out his candle. I’ve often wondered why he didn’t let Jiang Wei kill Wei Yan.

I wonder what went through the Prime Minister’s mind as he lay dying at the Wu Zhang Plains. I wonder if he thought back to all those good times when he seemed invincible and the world was his. Was there regret? Was there suffering? Or was he simply accepting of his fate.

I wonder, because I’ve experience all three in a matter of months. The early victories of Bo Wan Po and Chibi; the frustrations of Jietiang and Shang Fang Valley; watching my candle of hope dashed by outside forces; and ultimately waiting on fate to issue its final verdict. Indeed I understand the Prime Minister.

Yet, I have no idea how to stop it. I just know things will simply play as they must.

In the meanwhile, I will enjoy and pray in the rain.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
12-21-08

Notes on Black Politics Vol 3: Love and Relationships

"War. War never changes" ~ From the Fallout Video Game Series

A couple of definitions are in order:

First let’s define politics: Politics is the act of deciding who gets what, when, where, how and ultimately WHY. War is a function of that, as what better (sic) better way to achieve this that a test of might or diplomacy? Indeed Chairman Fred Hampton Sr. once articulated that “War is nothing more than politics with bloodshed”.

So we have a working definition of “Politics”. Stay with me, this IS going somewhere.

Next up is Love. If we combine popular love terms, from the insipid and selfish notion of in love, to the Christian agape love then we can define love thusly: The lost of self in another. The great 80’s Pop singer Pat Benatar argued quite convincingly that “Love is a Battlefield”. So for the sake of this conversation we will say Love has a War component. We fight for it. People have killed over it, and truly you’re never the same if it’s done right or wrong. Sounds like love to me. Furthermore a question is begged: How does one lose themselves in another and not come up totally void, hurt, sad, etc. I would argue a measure of politics.

So now we have two working definitions. Now let’s work on the formula.

Politics=War and Love=Wars. Therefore it is safe to say Politics=Love.

More to the point, the concepts of relationships and the institutions they build are political systems. They function not off of some higher notion, but rather they function off of the simple truth of who gets what, when, where, how and ultimately why.

Think I’m being cynical? Look at your own situation. Is your relationship doing well? If so then you’re political process is on point. There is a give and take, there is diplomacy, there is dialogue, clear lines of demarcation, roles, expectations and if necessary all parties know the other will launch an all out assault.

What if your relationship isn’t doing well? Chances are you have no political capitol, or all of the capital and it has created an imbalance. Somebody is always giving or taking, never the flip. There is constant struggle, protracted battles, lots of distrust and bitter feelings.

When you remove the emotion, when you remove the “righteous” indignation and when you put down your holy books long enough to ponder this you will see I am right.

Relationships aren’t anything more than Political institutions. It rarely has anything to do with love. Sorry. It’s true. Oh it’s true.

So you’re probably saying to yourself “Terrance, excellent formula. You are a genius and truly the Prime Minister (Thank you), but how is this related to Black politics?"

Good question dear reader, good question.

I hereby submit that our personal love life is a microcosm of Black life specifically Black politics: totally grounded in what we want,not what we NEED and definitely not what is real and devoid of any logical thought process and accountability tools.

In layman’s terms our shit is not grounded in reality. Its ground somewhere but earth isn’t it.

Well not all of us. All would be impossible. But enough of us, let’s say 85% of Black Love.

Yeah I just said that. So stop shaking your heads. Your shit sucks. Hell mine did too.

I mean seriously let’s look at it this way: How many times have we elected or supported some fool just cause he can speak like us, get into a pulpit and whop and holla and quote John 3:16 and invoke Dr. King (or Harold Washington here in the chi)’s good name. Didn't our current gov? Do that?

Doesn’t that sound like our dating process? First mofo that says the right thing, talking like their smart, can put two words together and invoke whatever is suddenly “it”.

Need more proof?

Fellaz: How many times have we chased that sister we know is gonna cause us to have a stroke, just because she fine? Or got a nice ass, or ate the cherry sensual or whatever. Yet we know she’s dumb as a back of socks, knows she has the morals of an alley cat yet we still try.

Ladies: How many times have you held on to the notion he’ll get it right, pined over your baby daddy in hopes of some non realistic future, ignored the good one in your face and then declared men are garbage? Doesn’t that sound like our political process?


I just know as of today, I’d argue our collective love life, reflects our collective politics: Fucked.

And before some smart Obama negro (like myself) points out the whole Obama thing just remember he ain't served a full term yet.

And for you overly spiritual mofos that’s finna rant and rave bout negative energy, I’m laughing at you too. Because while you talking that shit, your man/woman aint called you back in two days. Get real.

Ok…political/relationship rant done.

Enjoy your day

Straight, No Chaser
12/18/08
8:23AM