Productivity, Rain and Life

No particular topic, just some updates from the past couple of days....

Promises, Made Promises Kept.....

I'm proud of myself snarky mofo reading this. I've managed for about 3 or 4 days to get outside and be productive. In spite of my utmost desire to crawl into the corner and cry I've been able to be productive and get some thangs done. I've earnestly looked for teaching opportunities, started working on my relationship book, and even did a ton of laundry. I realize that the "sadness" and missing her aka "Withdrawals aren't going to go away over night and that while I may have little control over when those feelings strike, I can be a lot more productive and positive in how I respond. In my last official transmission I gave my word I wouldn't fail, my suns, her or myself by letting the darkness overtake me, in fact as I've stated before if I fail or fall, I don't prove my worthiness but instead I prove just how right my critics are(n't).

Them Damn Boys....

The one good thing about all of this is that my eyes are one again totally on the heirs. There is no job to interfere and instead of working to blend, its just us. But as much as they give me love I have to be careful not to recreate the problematic of last year and so immerse myself in them that I become one of those parents who can't function without my boys. As important as they are to me, my happiness has to come first because I am no good to anybody, let alone them, if I am unhappy. So while I am leeching off of their oh so positive life force, I need to be careful not to substitute one "addiction" for another.

I wanna go outside...

So after dropping Snarky Pre-teen and Wild Chile off at school I did something that you might consider crazy: I walked a bit in the rain. Since this shit started I've stayed away from things that remind me of her, us, and shit we used to do and the rain as crazy as it sounds was on of them. Truly the rain was rejuvenating. I've missed it.

But I wont be making that no habit. I got immediately horny then almost had a withdrawal. Friggin irony.

Oh and before I forget....

Thank you to my Brother Thabiti. His guidance, prayer and comforting words have helped me through the past few days and is helping me further along in my spiritual path. I truly wish we had been closer at Fisk but I am thankful for his friendship love and respect now. When I start back drinking the round is on me.

Wait when you start drinking again? You stopped Nigga?

Yes I'm taking a break. Part of the problem with all of what happened is that on top of my depression I had started drinking a bit irresponsibly (her words not mine) and coming from a woman that drunk Maker's Mark straight up I realize was on a path to be a true drunk, complete with bottle and scruffy look. But what brought to the time out point of drinking was a lil stunt on FB that I know had I not been drinking vodka straight up I wouldn't have done.

Along with that is that mind, body and spirit ARE in concert. I can't be walking to Jehovah, killing vodka and putting all kinds of poison in my body. So I'm doing a colon cleanse and detox. I was offered the chance to do it a while ago, but the shitty job I was working wouldn't have understood my bowels are acting up. I gave my word I would embark, and now I'm in the mood for getting my health in order. I'll go back to being a hobo at the rock the bells concern.


Well that's it for now. My tummy is bubbling and its time to uh..clean out more corn I ate last year.


Straight, No Chaser
(or air spray)
TLT
5-13-2009
10:32am

Pride and Consequences

"That's pride fuckin' with you. Fuck Pride! It only hurts, never helps."
~Marcellus Wallace

Shut up snarky mofo reading this. It seems my uh "fishing" trip got canceled. So I'm back to blogging.

OK seriously, I realized after a withdrawal induced mania last night that I've come to rely on this lil blog to help me think things through. I do believe that writing offering me a release second only to prayer. It helps me process and honestly talk it through to hypothetical mofos who may or may not be reading. Still, I imagine what a lot of my readers would say and that would gives me a sense of comfort.

So...

Pride:

Against better judgment I came back to Facebook. Honestly, staying away was best for my mental health, but peer pressure brought me back. My honor and inner strength was questioned and in order to prove folks wrong I logged back on to join my family.

Proverbs 16:18 IMMEDIATELY comes to mind: Pride is before a crash, and a haughty spirit before stumbling. I just learned that yes, that sting is VERY real. So are the bruises that come from the fall.

It made me take pause and question who my friends really are and what is their motivation. I say this because when the inevitable fall out from my "withdrawals" occur, I am often left alone or my emotions shrugged off. I can count on one hand the folks who truly bothered to understand me and where I am right now, most dismiss it as a weak moment and I should get over it. The rest seek to manipulate this time for their own ends and agendas.

No wonder I went, as my mom said, running back to Jehovah. It's also ironic because I used to consider people who did this as weak and unable to handle shit. I see now my ignorance was astounding.

I'm now weighing if I should leave Facebook all together. It's obvious I can't handle the sights and sounds on that site. It only makes me sad which isn't a problem. What is the problem is how I'm often left to pick up pieces of a man, tired and without much assistance.

Riddles:

Query: How do you ask a question you KNOW will only make matters worse without making matters worst?

The obvious answer is not to ask the question. But what happens when what you see and read begs questions.

Again an obvious answer is stop reading. But I think it's too late for that.

I want to ask someone a question but I am weighing the cost and honestly I've asked before. Yet something in my spirit and instincts are telling me that contrary to what I want the fact is I am being slowly phased out, I am being forgotten and she does have a new boo. (Irony alert)

As I drawer closer to Jehovah, the son will try his best to stop me by striking at an obvious weak point. I also realize the son of the mourning tricks are many, I realize that my judgment has been very clouded and honestly the first answer is probably the truth.

Correction the first answer is the truth. I need to be moved by faith and not by sight.

I just need to hear that I'm missed and loved. But as I once told someone what you need might not be best for me or the situation. Its honest but it doesn't take the sting off. (Irony alert)

I don't know. I realize this is an extreme moment of irony and karma. I also am beginning to believe Jehovah will lead me out of it.

Consequences:
So as a result of my pride I opened myself up to riddles and questions and fucked around and had a withdrawal attack. Truth is this is my path and my struggle and while I do have those that support, I also accept I'm own my own. Truly it is just me and Jehovah. I have resolved not to ask the question, but rather I will pray on it and try to have faith. I may not ever hear it again but I will try to find solace in the fact that I once was. I am struggling today whether to leave that site alone because every time I see the banter my mind will wander, (like my banter used to annoy her) and then with....drawals...and..then loneliness and then the cycle starts all over again..

Butch was right. Pride always hurts, it never helps.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-2-2009
12:27pm

A Soul Survivor and the emotion of Doubt.

"A Champ is someone who gets up when he can't" ~Jack Dempsey

For the first time since early Thursday I cried this morning and I cried hard. I cried so hard in fact that my sister came into the room to check on me. I guess I was due a good cry. I mean during this moment I am expected to cry on occasion. There is sadness still present and will always be until such time this situation is resolved.

I'm not making a big deal out of crying. I'd argue I brought on this onslaught of emotions by going someplace I shouldn't and probably reading out of context something I have no prior knowledge of. So in large part I brought this on myself. "Your eyes can deceive you, don't trust them." I know Master Obi Wan I know, but that's sometimes easier said than done. Sometimes doubt, a component of war can cloud your judgment.

One voice, my mother would tell me to use my discernment; to ask what is the probability of my fears. To use both faith and reason to calm myself.

Another voice, doubt, the sun of the mourning would tell me that just cause you ain't forgotten doesn't mean you ain't got left behind. He would say the two aren't mutually exclusive.

Doubt. An interesting emotions. Doubt usually leads to discouragement, which leads to fear, which leads to anger...then to hate...then to suffering.

Doubt is what got us here in the first place.

Doubt is an insult to Jah.

There should be no doubt. I won the Survivor Series in November, I knocked over 29 other men to win the Royal Rumble. I've stood atop of the mountain. I've been here before. I know the truth. And while I did get my shot at Wrestlemania, while I did come up short, I know I'm (or should be) the number one contender.

But doubt..has a seductive voice. Doubt has an easy path. Doubt is a wicked bitch.

And right now doubt is the emotion running supreme.

I sit at this key board my mind racing with every plot, plan, strategy and stratagem known to man. I sit here and I wonder what can I do to save this.

Out of 36 known stratagems, I only have one option..running away. Lil Sis and Ishamaria are right, all I can do it fall back.

One second....

OK. I just threw up. Its been a long time since I've been puking sick. I'm so tired. I am. I just need for this to be right.

For the boys
For her
For me

I got a lot of shit to do today and I need to find my inner reserves to dig deeper and to pull it out. I need to find one last boost to meet the challenge.

Soul Survivors do that. Champions get up when they can't. They respond to bell even if their legs wont move.

Today I will fight through the doubt, through the sadness. Doubt wont win.

I now know though that I cant wait for Monday to unplug from Facebook. I still have issues with that and I lack discernment right now to see things clearly, with my minds eye and not my eyes. So like I did so many years ago I am to have to find somebody to lock me out of FB for 90 days.

When you lack discipline you find somebody to instill it in you my dad used to say.

In the meanwhile I'm going to try to recenter. I am going to try to stop this onswell of sadness from taking over.

Today I will be tested. I need to pass each test because if I expect to make it to the King of The Ring tourney this June, I'm need to have it together.

Still...voices, oceans, nights, and rain. Gotta love the trifecta of vibes.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-13-2009
8:03am

The 2008 Awards

"The Jokes write themselves" ~Soror Sage

Before I announce the 2008 MVP, the one friend who stood above all the rest and helped me in ways no other could, I would like to send a few shout outs to the people and moment who made this year laughable, fucked up, interesting, etc. These are the highlights and low lights of 2008. Enjoy

Gayest Myspace Moment: (TIE) Terrance and Devin.

My brother Devin getting a message from some dude calling himself "Sexyboo". It worst than delicious, it worst than some random instant message, its just gay.

The other one goes to me, for adding random people for my game applications without checking profiles and discovering some of these doods were apart of National Homo Associations, advocating gay park sex and a bunch of other stuff. Indeed, I was totally shocked.

Kindest Act: Shannon Burns

After discovering my boy was giving my then Executive Assistant the Jim Dean, I was floored. His not giving a fuck and her betrayal really put me in a fucked up mood. Of course all of this went down 48hrs before my birthday. Without any plans and seemingly no one to talk to, a friend took me to dinner at 10:30pm just so I can have a birthday event.

Best Gift: The XBOX 360

As I said in an earlier blog, I was a broke ass in the early part of this year. Being Mr. Mom and having for a time no social life made me revert back to the primal stage. So I get the brilliant idea to buy me a next gen console for my birthday. But there was one small problem; I had a very limited income. So I went to several members of my online family and requested instead of the usual bottles of vodka they would usually send each person donate 50 dollars to my pay pal account. While most of my online fam scoffed at the notion, enough did put on so I could get my my Xbox360. I truly appreciated this.

Best Evening: (TIE: My Birthday, the Friday Night Ride and the Four Hour drinking session)

As I stated earlier my birthday was totally wrecked and I had planned on sitting in the house drinking and crying. However Baby Mama, lil Sister Janae, Brina D, and my boy Jarmelle all decided that was wack and put in to take me to Dave and Busters. The ensuing comedy, my Avon Barksdale impersonations and winning the shake maker made this a night to remember.

The Friday Night Ride and the Four Hour Drinking sessions are [CLASSIFIED: S3 or Emperor's Eyes Only]. Sorry bout that. Just know it won.

Biggest Flop: Baby Mama's sister.

She was supposed to come up here when baby mama's mother got sick and help out. When grandma (as the kids called her) died she was supposed to provide a stable backup and relief system for babymama. She was supposed to be a big sister. Instead she turned out to be the most negative, simple minded slack jawed yokel on the planet. From running the air 24-7, to sitting in the dark 24-7 and watching CSI, to sitting on my space 24-7 to eating 6 months of groceries in 4 hrs to running up the phone bills to one hundred thousand trillion she was just ugh. A kinder me would call her uncivilized and depressed. A less kind me would call her a sponge and a hobo. Guess which Terrance is typing this? Right. Fucking sponge

Most Perseverance: Baby Mama.

Anybody who loses both their Father and Mother in a span of six months, deal with the planning of memorial services, deal with a hardheaded baby daddy, and deal with a fucking sponge of a sister and endures a whole host of comedic characters wins this one hands down. She truly has not even had time to mourn her loses. She met each challenge well and I'm proud she is the mother of my children and a friend. Good shit Rhonda, good shit.

Best Vacation: (TIE: State of the Black World and The BMW Meet and Greet)

It was a wonderful experience visiting New Orleans, seeing the Aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, looking at the rebuilding and hanging out with Maisha and Dan. It was also a classic moment when we went to the National Obama Hater Convention that was the Tavis Smiley State of the Black Union Convention. I guess my time at OH and its intellectual strength spoiled me, because there was nothing of substance of value to be found there. I'm glad Dick Gregory checked them ape coons. For real. I'm even happier Obama won. Made all them haters look stupid. We see you. Hi Haters.

The Meet and Greet was a gift from a friend and I can tell you it was one for the record books. I swear to Black Jesus its one thing to get to know someone on the net, but to party with them in person, LAWD. I'm still dying to get back to that B Smith Sunday Brunch. What a day.

Best Professional Moment: Presenting at the National Council on Black Studies Conference.

That was a weekend to remember. My Emperor was honored, I went big time and we both got mad love. Its moments like that make me appreciate him and Black Studies

Biggest Regret: The Text Message.

A trial in both patience and arrogance. I am wondering if I will ever recover from that.

The Nigga I learned to Listen to: Andre C Russell.

He warned me. He told me. I didn't listen and got burned. You'd think with all the history we have, with him being my boy I'd listened Dre. But nooo. I'm the "Prime Minister" I'm "smarter" than everybody. No I was an ass. From the facebook and myspace status messages to leaving her alone he was right, and each time I didn't listen I shot myself in the foot. I'm a hard headed fucker. Now I need his help one mo' gin.

Fucking Nerd. I love him though.

I hope you've enjoyed a quick glance into my life. These were the times that make me, well me. By no means are they all of them, just a simple glance into what made this year special.

Year 33. An interesting time indeed.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-28-2008

5:25pm