Must be Nice: The Final Moments of 2008

“Having someone who loves you despite your faults Must be nice”~Lyfe Jennings

These are the moments that make me think, were my subconscious takes over and I see the world without time. These are the moments where I take pause and talk to Jah and ask him for help and guidance. These are the moments when I think about days of yesterday past and friends long gone. These are the moments where I reflect upon the vistas of my life and seek clarity.

I remember my father, who sought to help me over come my fears; I remember Travis who lost his life over nothing; I remember the heartbreaks and victories. My mind is running wild. I blame the fine French grapes and the ruby red grapefruit juice.

In between those moments I glance at the mother of my children, she is so happy. I am proud for her. She deserves to be happy, she deserves a man who loves her after the year she had losing both parents this year. She and Kevin look so good together. I am really proud of her.

I go sit in a corner and pull out my Blackberry. I want to send a text message so bad, but I know I’ve done enough and for once I just need to listen and fight the urge. But I can’t help it. This is not how I am supposed to be spending New Years. I wanted to hold her and let the New Year come into being, looking into her eyes and thinking of future possibilities. Instead I’m watching drunk chicks dance and be silly, young niggaz doing shit they aint supposed to do and my sons play Monopoly. I get up and go in the kitchen. I try to fight back the tears; I try not to wonder if she’s thinking about me or if I’m finished. I think of my love and then slowly regret takes over, and I try to hold it in as I feel the tears flow from my eyes. I rush into the bathroom and wash my face. There is no way I can cry at this New Year’s Eve event. None. But I’m sad. I lower my head and suddenly I’m back on that Orange line platform, looking at myself get angry, thinking she doesn’t want to be with me for the holidays. I see my facial expressions change I struggle to figure out why I may be sitting at home or tagging along with Rhonda for the third straight holiday. I watch myself run up the stairs angry that I can’t get the title, and be publically recognized. I want to know where are the blogs with talk about how much she loves me, the open declarations of love like there are of pain. I watch as I pull out my phone and begin typing. I try to tell myself wait, but the other me can’t hear. He wouldn’t hear my anyway. I lower my head in disgust as I watch me hit send and I watch me answer the phone. Then I’m back in the bathroom awaken by a knock at the door. Its Baby Mama and lil sis, who came to check on me. With red eyes and sadness, Rhonda simply says “You can’t do this now. No more sadness this year. I don’t want to spend my final moments of this year being sad or watching you be sad. Can you do that for me? Lil sis offers me a hug and says we’ll talk about it tomorrow. She reminds me that she still believes [Classified] is the one; I just have to learn patience and that I don’t know it all. I nod and regain my composure.

As I dry my face off I’m suddenly transported to Los Angeles, in 2005 and I’m sitting across from Nickia, who’s telling me that my need for public kudos and public declarations are really nothing more than insecurity. She told me that is what weak people do when they want to possess and reminded me that is a major flaw of the concept of in love. It hinges on possesses and selfishness as opposed to individual grown and selflessness. I open my eyes and shake my head.

Sometimes we are so busy looking for the complex, we miss the simple truth. Sometimes our imagination is worse than reality. Shit can be hid in plain sight.

And the reality is my imagination and arrogance caused me to lose focus. I had been so busy worried about her feelings for Rob, so busy wanting the public glory I failed to see that she was committed to me; I needed the title to feel secure, I needed the title to offer the illusion of power. I needed it the same way Ieshia sought it, to try to control. And the irony? She saw through it. Even if I missed it she saw it.

It made me love her and miss her more. I truly am sorry.

As I walk out the bathroom, Lyfe Jennings’ Must Be Nice is playing. I really want to cry but I don’t. I stop and listen. I understand. It was nice. I had that. I fought for that, and in my moment of arrogance and weakness, I stop listening and began to act. I allowed public persona and how it “looked” to influence me. And yes it looked fucked up. It looked crazy, but what was the rule Marvin Gay sung about “none of what you hear and half of what you see”? I shake my head. Next week I fix this. Tonight, I enjoy fine French grapes.

I rejoin the party, and I start to feel better. I continue to reflect on my friendship with Maisha, I reflect on how hurt Alisha was, I reflect on Shannon’s disappointment, I think about Ronald and Sandra, I think about LeMar. I think about the Gen Yan and wonder how we can remain friends but lose the toxic nature. I swear we’re a low budget MI6 and CIA. I say a prayer for each one, I ask Jah to keep those who are still here and remember those who are not. I say my final apologies. I burned heaven and hell a lot this year in order to be happy and take care of my heirs,and I know that its gonna come back. 2009 will be better than 2008, but I’ve accepted that my actions may not show consequences for some time. This is life.

As we approached midnight I said my usual prayer; I told Jah to forgive me for those I’ve wronged, forgive those who wronged me. Protect my loved ones, help me raise my sons and thanked him for giving me one more change. I even hum a few bars of the song. It makes me smile.

Then as we count down to the New I get sad, but I don’t show it. It’s not where I wanna be, but it’s a place to be. I thank Jah one more time and I say happy New Year.

As the clock strikes midnight I speak something into the universe and pray it is heard. I want this to be my last words of 2008.

“I love you [Classified]. And I am truly sorry”.

Happy New Year Everybody.

Bring on 2009.

Straight, No Chaser

TLT

12-31-2008

11:59pm