A Lonely Place of Dying (Retcon)

"I feel so bad I want to die" ~Bruce Wayne right before his confrontation with Bane.

I saw many endings to this story, but me sitting at home on a Saturday an emotional wreck was not one of them.

I was supposed to be finalizing a birthday purchase as well as getting my outfit together for a banquet. I was supposed to walk in there with the flyest Zeta, shut the party down, dance with her all night and then go home and sleep. Now honestly I don't think I want to have anything to do with Blue and White now. Too painful and I'm still learning how to deal with pain and sadness and all that.

I was supposed to helping plan a cruise. And valentine's day. It was supposed to be one helluva year.

But on the third day of the New Year, on the same day ironically that shit when south four years ago, I'm sitting at my comp with my emotions fluctuating from anger to sadness, regret to joy that I was even there. What is the old saying bout rather loving and losing than never loved at all. Pffft. Fuck whoever said that. That's akin to being given a hundred thousand trillion dollars and having it all stanched away and THEN being told at least you had the money.

*pause*
So the next mofo that tells me "Hey you at least got your shot" will be kicked in the teeth. I've retired chest shots per the reboot.

*play*

I.hate.losing. Seriously. I esp hate losing love ones or losing in situations I was supposed to win. Losing these kinds of situations seriously make me wanna commit ritualized...(retcon), never mind.

No, I wont ponder those thoughts. I wont let the sadness over come me. But I cant help being felt thrown away. Or abandoned. I realize all parties need time to heal but, damn.

I guess that's a judgement call. I doubt if I would call either. In a crazy way that's a sign of true love, not wanting to hear or see the other person a wreck, and not compounding that pain by being in their presence.

I spent late last night trying to figure out what went wrong. I replayed key events and I replayed several moments that defined what killed it. There was no one moment. All the Pieces mattered.

My biggest mistake was my arrogance. I sat on the sidelines for so long and waited for so long when I got in, I wasnt willing to listen to anything. I was told to slow down, she asked me to slow down but I didnt listen. G, Les, BM, General Yan, all told me that I was too intense for this new situtation that it required a slight touch.

The funny thing about arrogance is that it is a shield for fear. You overcompensate for your lack of whatever by overdoing that trait. I was so scared of being told no a second time, so scared he'd return that I overcompensated. I forced my presence.

The irony. She left. And it seems I'll soon be forgotten and become a ghost. One of the ones loved forever but never there.

Ugh. I.hate.ghosts. Now I am one.

Real good Jah. Real good. This how we answer prayers? Seriously we gotta talk because two people don't pray for each other specifically and then you snatch it away to prove what? I mean you can alter life and time. Why cant...never mind. I aint supposed to question you.

Maybe it will happen later. But later is a crazy paradigm. Doing it at 85 with six months to live would not bring me joy. Please keep that in mind.

I'd shot myself if it wasnt so funny. Really.

I wanted this to work. I gave it my all even if my all wasn't always best. I tried to be the one serious man. I tried to show that I didnt want to be one of those men who just wanted to be in name only but in truth.

That's not true. I want this to work. Before some snarky reader says want is not enough I say "Fuck you. It starts with want."

I wanted to marry this woman. That's not true either. I want to marry this woman.

Do you know the last time I wanted to truly marry somebody and not just in name. I mean like with a ring and a date and shit?

Right.

Do you know how many folks where burned by my decision? A lot. I dont regret that either.

Ok that was harsh. A few didnt deserve that. But still......

But maybe I'm being mellow dramatic. Maybe its wrong of me to want a phone call or a text. Maybe I need to hear that lovely voice say one more time even if it is for the final time "Terry Bear, I love you."

Maybe I am hell bent on doing what I want to do.

Or just maybe I'm not afraid to do what needs to be done.

I'll leave that for the historians to debate.

In the meanwhile I'm sit in a corner and cry a lil more.

Maybe there is something to this mourning this...

At least I dont feel like dying this time...

hopefully.


Straight, No Chaser
TLT
1-3-2009
10:04AM