Pride and Consequences

"That's pride fuckin' with you. Fuck Pride! It only hurts, never helps."
~Marcellus Wallace

Shut up snarky mofo reading this. It seems my uh "fishing" trip got canceled. So I'm back to blogging.

OK seriously, I realized after a withdrawal induced mania last night that I've come to rely on this lil blog to help me think things through. I do believe that writing offering me a release second only to prayer. It helps me process and honestly talk it through to hypothetical mofos who may or may not be reading. Still, I imagine what a lot of my readers would say and that would gives me a sense of comfort.

So...

Pride:

Against better judgment I came back to Facebook. Honestly, staying away was best for my mental health, but peer pressure brought me back. My honor and inner strength was questioned and in order to prove folks wrong I logged back on to join my family.

Proverbs 16:18 IMMEDIATELY comes to mind: Pride is before a crash, and a haughty spirit before stumbling. I just learned that yes, that sting is VERY real. So are the bruises that come from the fall.

It made me take pause and question who my friends really are and what is their motivation. I say this because when the inevitable fall out from my "withdrawals" occur, I am often left alone or my emotions shrugged off. I can count on one hand the folks who truly bothered to understand me and where I am right now, most dismiss it as a weak moment and I should get over it. The rest seek to manipulate this time for their own ends and agendas.

No wonder I went, as my mom said, running back to Jehovah. It's also ironic because I used to consider people who did this as weak and unable to handle shit. I see now my ignorance was astounding.

I'm now weighing if I should leave Facebook all together. It's obvious I can't handle the sights and sounds on that site. It only makes me sad which isn't a problem. What is the problem is how I'm often left to pick up pieces of a man, tired and without much assistance.

Riddles:

Query: How do you ask a question you KNOW will only make matters worse without making matters worst?

The obvious answer is not to ask the question. But what happens when what you see and read begs questions.

Again an obvious answer is stop reading. But I think it's too late for that.

I want to ask someone a question but I am weighing the cost and honestly I've asked before. Yet something in my spirit and instincts are telling me that contrary to what I want the fact is I am being slowly phased out, I am being forgotten and she does have a new boo. (Irony alert)

As I drawer closer to Jehovah, the son will try his best to stop me by striking at an obvious weak point. I also realize the son of the mourning tricks are many, I realize that my judgment has been very clouded and honestly the first answer is probably the truth.

Correction the first answer is the truth. I need to be moved by faith and not by sight.

I just need to hear that I'm missed and loved. But as I once told someone what you need might not be best for me or the situation. Its honest but it doesn't take the sting off. (Irony alert)

I don't know. I realize this is an extreme moment of irony and karma. I also am beginning to believe Jehovah will lead me out of it.

Consequences:
So as a result of my pride I opened myself up to riddles and questions and fucked around and had a withdrawal attack. Truth is this is my path and my struggle and while I do have those that support, I also accept I'm own my own. Truly it is just me and Jehovah. I have resolved not to ask the question, but rather I will pray on it and try to have faith. I may not ever hear it again but I will try to find solace in the fact that I once was. I am struggling today whether to leave that site alone because every time I see the banter my mind will wander, (like my banter used to annoy her) and then with....drawals...and..then loneliness and then the cycle starts all over again..

Butch was right. Pride always hurts, it never helps.

Straight, No Chaser
TLT
5-2-2009
12:27pm