"A Champ is someone who gets up when he can't" ~Jack Dempsey
For the first time since early Thursday I cried this morning and I cried hard. I cried so hard in fact that my sister came into the room to check on me. I guess I was due a good cry. I mean during this moment I am expected to cry on occasion. There is sadness still present and will always be until such time this situation is resolved.
I'm not making a big deal out of crying. I'd argue I brought on this onslaught of emotions by going someplace I shouldn't and probably reading out of context something I have no prior knowledge of. So in large part I brought this on myself. "Your eyes can deceive you, don't trust them." I know Master Obi Wan I know, but that's sometimes easier said than done. Sometimes doubt, a component of war can cloud your judgment.
One voice, my mother would tell me to use my discernment; to ask what is the probability of my fears. To use both faith and reason to calm myself.
Another voice, doubt, the sun of the mourning would tell me that just cause you ain't forgotten doesn't mean you ain't got left behind. He would say the two aren't mutually exclusive.
Doubt. An interesting emotions. Doubt usually leads to discouragement, which leads to fear, which leads to anger...then to hate...then to suffering.
Doubt is what got us here in the first place.
Doubt is an insult to Jah.
There should be no doubt. I won the Survivor Series in November, I knocked over 29 other men to win the Royal Rumble. I've stood atop of the mountain. I've been here before. I know the truth. And while I did get my shot at Wrestlemania, while I did come up short, I know I'm (or should be) the number one contender.
But doubt..has a seductive voice. Doubt has an easy path. Doubt is a wicked bitch.
And right now doubt is the emotion running supreme.
I sit at this key board my mind racing with every plot, plan, strategy and stratagem known to man. I sit here and I wonder what can I do to save this.
Out of 36 known stratagems, I only have one option..running away. Lil Sis and Ishamaria are right, all I can do it fall back.
One second....
OK. I just threw up. Its been a long time since I've been puking sick. I'm so tired. I am. I just need for this to be right.
For the boys
For her
For me
I got a lot of shit to do today and I need to find my inner reserves to dig deeper and to pull it out. I need to find one last boost to meet the challenge.
Soul Survivors do that. Champions get up when they can't. They respond to bell even if their legs wont move.
Today I will fight through the doubt, through the sadness. Doubt wont win.
I now know though that I cant wait for Monday to unplug from Facebook. I still have issues with that and I lack discernment right now to see things clearly, with my minds eye and not my eyes. So like I did so many years ago I am to have to find somebody to lock me out of FB for 90 days.
When you lack discipline you find somebody to instill it in you my dad used to say.
In the meanwhile I'm going to try to recenter. I am going to try to stop this onswell of sadness from taking over.
Today I will be tested. I need to pass each test because if I expect to make it to the King of The Ring tourney this June, I'm need to have it together.
Still...voices, oceans, nights, and rain. Gotta love the trifecta of vibes.
Straight, No Chaser
TLT
4-13-2009
8:03am
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